HUMOR: How to process the college process

Ariela Shuchman Staff Humorist

It is my honor, duty, and privilege to share some wisdom and general musings on the college process. The process is difficult and emotionally taxing but you will get through it (believe it or not). Regardless, I have experienced and observed enough to give some wholesale advice to both a freshman with a Fiske Guide and a senior on a waitlist.

The very first thing juniors complete for the College Counseling office is a basic informational survey: address, parents, grades, etc and some questions about college preferences (small or big, campus or city, for example). The survey also includes, however, a few questions about the student’s political affiliation. Definitely answer this question honestly: there will be no repercussions. If you select “slightly left,” “center,” or “republican,” College Kickstart® will likely suggest some re-education colleges who rank high for the process of “unlearning,” like Yale University, American University, or Oberlin College.

Building A College List

Now that Kickstart is aware of where you lean politically (left, hard left, or Marxist), it’s time to make a college list. The “likely,” “target,” “reach,” and “unlikely” framework will actually be useful beyond the college process. This will help you organize your 14 schools but will also help you compartmentalize the job application process and potential romantic partners. Most things in life, including prom dates, are useful to put into either the “likely,” “target,” “reach,” or “unlikely” category.

It can sometimes get awkward when a school is a “target” for one person and an “unlikely” for another. I suggest that when discussing lists/categorizations, remember that these are just numbers: YOU are more than a number. (Except for your Social Security number, your credit score, and your GPA. Those absolutely define you).

Personal Statement And Supplements

This is probably the most time consuming part of the process. My first piece of advice for juniors is to make two clearly labeled and distinct documents for each essay, one shared with your Horace Mann CoCo and the private CoCo that many of you have. Yes, I’m talking to you. This will avoid a deeply awkward interaction between the HM and private CoCo when they see the other’s little colored circle in the top right corner of the Google Doc. Rule number one of having a mistress is never have her and the wife at the same hotel. Same thing goes here.

The hardest essay to write will definitely be the “Why us?” essays, especially as you get further and further down your list. Of course, we have all been instructed to attend information sessions. Theoretically, these zooms would help us write the essay, if only we actually paid attention. Counselors always say that if writing the “Why us?” essay is difficult, you shouldn’t be applying. But do any of us really know why we want to attend the schools on our list? I for one did not. In fact, the only words I could manage to explain my top choice were “good” and “vibe.” There are a select few members of each class that research professors, courses, etc. to truly identify “fit.” But for most of us, the “Why us?” essay is a series of sweet nothings and pick up lines for that college.

Clubs

Many of you have probably recently received notice that your club will not be re-registered for the 2023-2024 school year. This, I’m sure, has thrown you and your private CoCo’s into chaos. These are unprecedented times: I encourage those whose clubs were discontinued to form a new club together, the Horace Mann Fighters for Clubs Club (HMFCC).

You are not powerless though. There are still countless ideas for clubs just waiting to be pitched (“this club will be different,” you’ll convince Sr. Dalo).

Here are some of my favorite HM clubs that I regretfully never attended and probably did not survive this year’s cleanse. We mourn with you:

1. Healthier at HM “Health” is a late-stage capitalist notion imposed on us from a young age by advertising companies.

2. Real Estate and Social Policy Club

Not In My Back Yard.

3. Market Prediction through Code

This could be the nichest entity to come out of Horace Mann ever. We get it, you are fluent in Excel and want to work at Goldman.

4. Social Impact Investment Club

So is this like “nice pro-bono” finance bro?

5. Eco2 Is there an Eco1??

We all know that at the end of the day it is absolutely imperative in the college process that you are president of a club. Actual impact, uniqueness, or existence of said club is irrelevant. Take the Global

Relief Fund, an organization that sounds wonderful in theory, but is actually a front for the Taliban. Being President of the Global Relief Fund would still look great on an application, and I encourage underclassmen to reach out to Dalo about starting a Global Relief Fund chapter at HM.

Of course, there can only be one founder and president for each club. So, it’s a good idea to do some research on our most bureaucratic institutions, like the IRS for example, and peruse the “Positions” page on their Website. This will give you ideas for some other position titles to use for your club.

Some examples:

• Treasurer

• Vice Treasurer

• PR officer

• Deputy Director of Vibes

• (CEO) Chief Energy Office

• Supreme Leader

• Vice Supreme Leader

Once you have secured one of these positions, your club’s only goal for the year will be to have a bake sale. Club bake sales have truly never made sense to me. For starters, there is a strange embezzlement process that occurs. Students usually bake a homemade item using artisanal ingredients (Grassroots Grocery Club may have some thoughts) purchased by their parents or buy something premade. These items are then resold, price depending on the buyer’s age and social status.

However, there is no profit margin, as 100% of the money earned is retained by the club. As I have explained though, parents are feeling the economic burden of this business model. I wonder if it would be more efficient and less caloric (let’s get Healthier at HM on this one) to just have the parents take the money their kids would spend on ingredients, premade treats, or pizza and buy the merch directly, a vertical integration model if you will.

Of course, all of this is a stressful part of the college process because unlike grades or test scores, extracurriculars are subjective: there is no quantifiable metric to validate you. But I think that HMers have it figured out. If there are so many clubs, pubs, charities, organizations, talking groups, and forums that mean absolutely nothing, then nothing means anything. Admissions officers will be so bewildered by decoding what “Jump for Joy” does or how “Market Prediction through Code” is relevant for a “classics” major, that exhaustion will take over, hopefully yielding an acceptance by default.

That is the essence of the Life of the Mind.

News-in-Brief

(aka article ideas that, like your original college list, didn’t have enough potential)

Wellness Wednesday therapy dogs need therapy after meeting HM students

Rehab introduced in Guidance & Counseling for pink lemonade addicted students

The Record stops writing about the fish tank

UChicago and Horace Mann’s administrations effectively merged, with Dr Kelly serving as Head of School(s)

Cookies officially devoured the kids; Pre-Calc teachers in mourning

Spikeball officially replaces Crew as Varsity Sport

Senior spring break trip goes horribly wrong when students realize their long awaited PI trip is to the Parent’s Institute conference

Physics teacher asks sobbing students to calculate the acceleration of their tears during test

School play makes it to Broadway…. and 241st, performed in front of the community fridge.

An in-depth investigation into the “energy focus shot” getting you through your calc test

School offers students money if they donate to class fund