Humor Issue (Issue 8)

Record The Horror Mann

OCTOBER 31ST, 2019 || VOLUME 117, ISSUE 8

RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG

HORACE MANN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903

Canada goose.

That’s the joke.

Adam Frommer Staff Writer As winter nears, the time is not so jolly for the geese. The Swan Goose is doing fine, but the Canada Goose is in trouble. It’s feather plucking season, and the geese will have a long, cold winter ahead of them while their feathers grow back. But their sacrifice is not in vain: Horace Mann students will be toasty this November while they walk through the halls of Tillinghast, strutting their style and voguing their way to the Caf. Next Thursday, students will express their condolences by partaking in A Day of Quacking. Like a day of Silence, students may pick up stickers in the Library to indicate their indignation towards this capitalist crime. Students vow to only making quacking goose noises for the entirety of the day to raise awareness. Teachers have been told to excuse any possible lack of class discussion. However, some teachers believe the quacking make actually elevate discussions above the normal drivel. Next Monday will be Plucking Day, where students will have permission to “pluck” any people wearing The Goose.

Feather pluckers will be available in the library to borrow, and students will be able to simulate the company’s feather plucking process on Goosewearer. The physical limits of “Plucking” will be fully in the power of pluckers, Mr. & Mrs. Italia Overpriced said in an email statement.

The school will also have a donation basket for students to donate their new or slightly worn Canada Goose jackets. 100% of donations will be worn by geese to get them through the winter, Head of the Animal Hair Protection Society (AHPS) Jaquet Monclair said.

“We are also going to have a bake sale in which proceeds will fund a student walkout,” Associate secretary to the Vice President to the Director of Fur Logistics Makaj Koat (9) said.

“But of course, any and every Goosewearer will be “pie’d” in the face.”

Plan Etdestroyer (12), wearer of the 2020 Rossclair Fusion Fit Genuine Coyote Fur Trim Down Parka, doesn’t approve of the new aggression towards fur wearers. “What most people don’t know is that I got mine on sale. I would never pay full price for it.”

Come on, Plan. We call your bluff. We all have tried to find The Goose on sale and it just doesn’t go for less than full price.

“The thing is, what normal-jacket wearers don’t admit is that they’ve tried to buy The Goose too,” Shaide Throuwer said. “They hate us cause they ain’t us.”

Those who are prone to wearing the The Goose tend to also flaunt the Canada Goose’s Second cousin: the Golden Goose shoe. While taxonomists are presently unsure how to scientifically classify a Golden Goose, as it tends to reveal itself to be neither golden nor goose, the two species seem genetically linked by the likelihood of their pairing in an outfit. In some especially fruitful pairings, the real Goose feathers are known to actually transform into solid gold.

Nonetheless, the Canada Goose attackers will be out with a vengeance this winter, goose lover Vee Gan (4) said.

Student-organized groups are rumored to be stationed outside of the testing center with Beyond Meat’s plant based Foie Gras to smear onto the unusually-large pockets of the jackets in a final thrust against Goosewearers.

This week is going to be dangerous for all wearers, but especially those who parade around with a real fur hood on their jacket, goose activist Burr Berry said.

Gross theater will be an official safe space next week, where frequent Goosewearers will be able to hide under the protection of the society for Humans’ Right to Wear.

There are those who envy Goosewearers, and not without reason. According to the Canada Goose Website, “Goose People is a concept, an ideology. Goose People dream big dreams and take big swings,” the website wrote.

“Their journeys, achievements and take-charge attitudes help us find meaning in the farthest corners of the Earth.” That is an actual quote from the company.

It is not made up, and perhaps, at the end of the day, that is the saddest thing of all.

Left on read Yesh Nikam Staff Writer

Students are outraged over a shocking discovery: teachers across the school are leaving their students on read on First Class.

This scandal was first discovered by a ninth grader who failed his steel drums exam and wanted to meet with his teacher to negotiate a better grade.

“I emailed my teacher two weeks ago and I never got a response back. He even read the email, which kinda hurt my feelings,” the frosh said.

At first, the freshman thought it was an anomaly, until he heard his friend Ale Gebrea (11) complain that his math teacher had not responded in a month to his email requesting a recommendation for a summer program to research the effect of pre-tweens using TikTok. As the year went on, both students began to overhear more and more students talk about about a similar phenomenon. “Whether it was during the safety assembly, the long line for the Tuesday panini, or during college night, I felt that everyone was complaining about being ghosted by their teachers,” Gebrea said.

Eventually, teachers were forced to come clean. In an assembly early last week the Head of School revealed that all teachers partook in a three-month long conspiracy to ignore all emails from students.

The ‘ghosting’ was started by an English teacher who could not reply to emails in early September due to glitches in First Class. “The terrible program prevented me from replying to my students; the app just kept on quitting out,” he said. “I eventually stopped even trying to respond.”

Ignoring the emails put the teacher in a relaxed state of mind: “It felt so good not having to address the needs of a bunch of stressed out teenagers.”

Immediately, other teachers began to follow suit. “I started bragging about how good it felt ignoring students and other teachers began to feel jealous. By the end mid-Sep-

tember, the whole English department was ghosting students,” he said.

Eventually, the rest of the school’s faculty heard about the mental benefits to ‘ghosting’, and by the end of September, not a single teacher was sending emails.

“I’ve always wanted to ghost my students,” a math teacher said. “Responding to all these kids is too much work. I’d rather just watch Netflix,” she said.

However, the lack of emails from the administration wreaked havoc on the school’s community.

Since there was no longer a weekly joke sent out to students from the dean of student’s weekly email, students were visiting guidance and counseling to cope with the change.

“It just made me really sad,” Procra Stinator (10) said.

The administration noted that the average grade at the school dropped from a A- to a C+, since students were unable to set up meetings with their teachers. “That’s when we realized that this may be causing some problems,” a history teacher said.

This weeks’ ‘weekly update’ email was the first email sent by a faculty member in over two months, and restored order to the school.

“Seeing the joke again put my mind at rest and brought a smile to my face,” Stinator said.

“Honestly do you really need to know if it’s MLA or Chicago formating at 11 at night? Shouldn’t you be watching James Charles instead?,” said a faculty adviser for a publication much like this one.

That story about the girls in the bus video that you’ve wanted to know since circa never Vivien Sweet Staff Writer

“Sorry, can’t talk. I have a bus to catch.”

These nine words reverberated throughout the hallways of Tillinghast, echoing even in the nooks and crannies of the archives, following the school’s yearly showing of the cinematic masterpiece, “Bus Dismissal Video.”

Following the assembly, students could be overheard excusing themselves from H period tests with just that sentence, causing

many teachers to rush to FirstClass to frantically voice their dissent to Dr. Kelly, complaining that the main office had

dubbed “Sorry, I have a bus to catch,” as an excused absence.

To clear up the terse air surrounding the phrase and its implications, the Community Council (CC) hosted a joint panel with Managed Chaos, the masterminds behind the infamous “Bus Dismissal Video,” during D period in Gross Theatre. The History of Film class was required to stay for the forum, but most of the class had opted to wait in the panini line instead.

During the post-assembly discussion, the motives of the two girls involved in the interaction, Runeen Owtatime, who uttered the notorious seven words, and Sadd Frend, who was on the receiving end of the abrupt conversation-ender, were thoroughly investigated.

What class did Owtatime come from?

Why did Frend need to speak to h e r

so urgently? Was Owtatime’s bus really leaving that soon?

After a series of testimonials from acquaintances of the duo—including Jimmy, the biology lab manager, Owtatime’s former bus driver, and Frend’s best friend’s younger sister’s second cousin— the truth was unveiled. Owtatime was in a rush to meet her personal college counselor, who had ubered all the way from Boston to proofread Owtatime’s common app essay in person. Since Owtatime needed to be in the proper “headspace” to finalize her 13th draft, she absolutely needed a seat at the front of the bus.

Meanwhile, Frend was fretting over her senior Facebook name. According to her advisor, she had been deciding between “SaddBoiHours” and “Got that Summertime Saddness” for the past few weeks, and seeing that November 1st was right around the corner, Frend needed to make a decision quickly. The former seemed a little edgy for her taste, but was the latter too clearly a reference to archaic 2012 pop? Only Frend’s closest confidant since lower school, Owtatime, would have the answer.

Although both Owtatime and Sadd declined to comment on the incident (and have not been speaking in the hallways since), it has been rumored that they will still room together in PI, much to the relief of their friends.

“Runeen isn’t normally this rude—especially not to Sadd,” a former teacher of both Owtatime and Frend, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “I suppose the impending doom of early decision college applications must’ve gotten to her.”

Gabby Beefberg/ Fart Director

ONIONS

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THE RECORD OPINIONS OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

lEgGiNgS aReN’t pAnTs

Photo by Gabby Beefberg/ Farts Director Art by Elsabelle Chan/ Farts Director

Vivien Sweet

At other high schools, students cut class too often, pass notes behind teachers’ backs, or even wear airpods hidden under a hood during class. But here, the biggest problem that plagues the student body is a simple misconception about trousers: that leggings—yes, a thick piece of elastic made into tights—are acceptable pants.

It’s a delusion that’s boggled me ever since I entered the school as a seventh grader. Boasting my new boot-cut Gap jeans, I strode into Spanish fully expecting to be confronted by a sea of similar trousers. The sight of that navy blue wash jeans remains strangely comforting to me, often weaving its distinct blue quirk into my APUSH daydreams—even though you couldn’t catch me dead in a low-waisted boot-cut jeans now.

But what I was greeted by were 9 pairs of eyes and 9 pairs of leggings unabashedly staring at my blue on blue combo (the aforementioned jeans were paired with a sequined periwinkle T-shirt) that, admittedly, I had fretted about for over an hour the night before. I was a lone navy shark amidst an ocean of black and grey-bottomed fish, but unlike my fearless aquatic counterpart, I lacked the rows of teeth necessary to fight what I have dubbed the “glorified tights” craze that dominates the school to this day.

Initially, I thought that the obsession surrounding leggings was primarily due to the fact that they were a cheaper alternative to jeans, which, at the time, were the only conceivable pants option in my mind. Perhaps not all students could shell out the $24.99

Photo by Nelmoon Gaillard/ Handures Editor

Sporto’s Darius McCullough Fark Rannah Sareen Anerased Cassino

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Staff Writers Izzy Abbott, Adrian Arnaboldi, Abby Beckler, Bradley Bennett, Sam Chiang, Sogona Cisse, Jack Crovitz, Adam Frommer, Andie Goldmacher, Julia Goldberg, Andie Goldmacher, Alison Isko, Avi Kapadia, Marina Kazarian, John Mauro, Yesh Nikam, Henry Owens, Oliver Steinman, Emily Shi, Samuel Singer, Natalie Sweet, Sasha Snyder, Vivien Sweet, Joshua Underberg, Talia Winiarsky, Chloe Choi, Emma Colacino, Yin Fei, Lucas Glickman, Claire Goldberg, Liliana Greyf, Lauren Ho, Walker McCarthy, Maya Nornberg, Morgan Smith, Patrick Steinbaug, Katya Tolunsky, Nathan Zelizer Staff Photographers Harrison Haft, Julia Isko, Daniel Lee, Ava Merker, Kelly Troop, Halley Robbins, Sophie Gordon, Amanda Wein, Maxwell Shopkorn, Emma Colacino, AJ Walker, Lucas Glickman, Lauren Ho Staff Artists Wilder Harwood, Rachel Zhu

pretending to know why they woke up that morning and deliberately picked a pair of lint-covered black tights out of their closets, the leggings craze remains a mystery to me.

Here is where—if we neglect the outrageous price of a pair of Lululemon leggings for a moment—I must address my biggest problem with this fad. Merriam-Webster defines leggings to be “A covering (as of leather or cloth) for the leg.” Notice that a key word is missing from this definition: pants.

Although leggings do technically fulfill the requirements that group together other bottom garments such as jeans, khakis, and corduroys, they have yet to earn the official title of “pants” from a reputable dictionary. Until that occurs, my mind simply cannot fathom leggings as operating as the sole leg-covering material to wear to school.

Must we allow the trend of wearing nearly translucent pseudo-pants daily to continue?

If we allow leggings to “pass” as pants, when will we stop? Are Dorr’s “Long Johns” pants too, by this logic? What about Nike spandex?

Is that acceptable to wear off the volleyball court?

If you think I’m being dramatic, or perhaps even pretentious (as one who solely wears jeans even today), ask yourself this question: Have you ever seen a grown adult—with the exception of SoulCycle trainers, professional cyclists and gymnasts, and graduate student TAs—wear a pair of leggings to work? I’m done spelling it out for you; you know what you have to do. It’s time to take off those flimsy black tights and put on some denim.

A snack that smiles back and makes you forget the fact that you’re applying to college yelling at juniors to stop complaining about CoCo stashing Twizzlers in their backpack dy-eating habits have fostered other disrup-

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Arty Farty Billie Einish Etruthza Poster Eddie Tonic

that I paid for my trusty Gap jeans on Labor Day weekend. I would have graciously accepted this resolution had it not been for my naturally curious mind that led me to ask a classmate of mine during lunch where she got her pseudo-pants—sorry, leggings. It took all of my newfound teenage willpower not to scoff at her answer: “Lululemon.”

What was that, a vegan italian ices shop? A Brooklyn hipster couple-owned doggy daycare center?

So when I visited “Lululemon’s” website to scope out the leggings that had taken over the middle school girls’ collectire style—certainly not considering purchasing a pair of my own in the slightest—I was beyond appalled to discover that a singular pair of leggings cost not $24.99, but $99. For one pair of black leggings.

To put this jaw-dropping price into context, here’s a list of items one could buy with $99: 11 Chipotle sofritas burritos; two 2019 homecoming quarter-zips, a matching homecoming t-shirt, and a maroon-andwhite-bandana; a TI-83 Plus graphing calculator; or three 18 ounce Hydro Flasks and one pad of “Save the Turtles!” stickers (admittedly less impressive than the previous options).

Why would so many students, from sixth graders to seniors, spend such an inordinate amount of money on a pair of black leggings that were really just meant to be worn under a knee-length dress at your second cousin’s friend’s classmate’s sister’s Bat Mitzvah service? Although I face my peers every day

their workload because “JUST THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL THIS WEEK.” Juniors, you’ve probably been quaking in your seats as your senior peers just absolutely and unforgivingly obliterate you. Underclassmen, you all just ought to chill.

It’s no secret that during the week of November 1st, stuff hits the fan. I’m definitely not the only member of the class of 2020 who has spent every free moment in the CoCo, but I am surely the only senior who has also spent every minute in the

and inhaling peanut butter M&Ms like a mini handheld vacuum. And although I’ve only met with my college counselor twice since August, I am known as a CoCo “regular.” Last week, I snuck into Ms. Billies’ office while the CoCo was in session in the room next door. She waved me out, but like the dirty dog I am, I decided to make a break for the Twizzlers. She had to lock the door after I escaped because apparently I “wasn’t supposed to be in there.”

My can-

tive behaviors. My teachers have begun to comment on my excessive consumption of Reese’s and M&M’s and Twizzlers, because I am eighteen and literally cannot sit through a 45-minute class period without disruptively unwrapping whatever goodies I have writhing in the depths of my bag. I usually have chocolate somewhere on my face or in my hair, every single one of my books smells like high fructose corn syrup, and the eczema on my hands has erupted in the likeness of my father’s after he’s eaten gluten.

So, when the CoCo runs out of Twizzlers, I’ll be DONE.

A LOSS IN OUR COMMUNITY: NELSON GAILLARD’S (12) HAIRLINE

Ava Merker

If you’re a senior, you’ve probably spent this last week disintegrating from the inside-out and

Nelson Gaillard Julia and Halley’s Twin

Sometime in the last year or so, Nelson Gaillard’s (12) hairline, an active and vibrant member of the school community, was lost due to anxiety, puberty, and most-likely-improper shampooing techniques.

Gaillard himself arrived at the school in the fall of 2016 as an innocent freshman, his hairline a strong, independent soul. Since, Gaillard has taken three chemistry classes, watched his GPA remain where he d o e s n’ t want it to be, and consumed way too much iced coffee.

Sadly, Gaillard’s hairline passed away sometime in the past two years, “around the same time Kylie and Travis had Stormi,” he said.

Members of the commu-

nity came together last week for a memorial around an undisclosed cubicle on the first floor of the library and shared their condolences, hovering over a pile of Gaillard’s hair gone AWOL from his scalp.

“Bless Nelson’s poor, wretched hairline,” a memorial attendee said in tears.

“I can completely understand where Nelson is coming from,” a freshman said. “Even though I still have my hair, I thought it was falling out the other week because of my CompSci test.”

Also in utter remorse for Gaillard’s hairline is JJ Ryu (12). “I really hope the best for Nelson’s hairline,” she wrote in a handwritten note passed around during math

class. “At UDO this year, I was trying to braid Nelson’s hair and there simply was nothing to work with. Poor guy.”

Throughout its lifetime, Gaillard’s hairline nestled a cozy spot atop his five-head.

There, it lived in peace until routine high school stresses and senior fall got the best of it.

“Almost every time I sit down at my desk and do homework,” Gaillard said, “I a m bound to lose at least three hairs.

Always. It’s basically ritual at this point.”

Gaill a r d has tried many remedies and

mindful practices to save his hairline, one of which being typing “how to save my hairline” into the google search bar, then clicking on the Wikihow tutorial.

Despite WikiHow’s thorough outline of meticulous hair loss prevention, the reliable source unfortunately did not do Gaillard justice. “Just looking at pictures of balding men won’t help me much in the revival of my practically comatose hairline,” he said.

Gaillard and his hairline have gone everywhere together, but unfortunately, Gaillard must continue onto university without his hairline.

“I wish it didn’t go away,” Gaillard said. “But on the plus side, at least now I have an obstacle to write my common app essay about.”

Photo by Eulose Kim/ Desing Editor

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HORACE MANN NEWS OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

Students replace tape in decorating Lutnick hall

Gabby Beefberg/ Farts Director

Adam Frommer Staff Writer The learning crisis occurring in Lutnick Hall has shaken the school harder than the stampede of Tuesdaypanini-yearning, E-period middle schoolers diving toward the sandwich line.

Students across all upper division grades are now given stipends to lend a helping hand during their free periods by holding up signage against Lutnick’s bare, fingerprint-magnetic, white walls.

“Ever since Lutnick Hall opened over a year ago, teachers haven’t been allowed to hang anything up.

Nothing whatsoever; not even pictures of their cats,” physics teachers Alan Frevdin said. “It’s about keeping the natural beauty of the space while simultaneously allowing workers to come into classrooms and easily do repairs on the scratch-prone floors.”

The organization “Students for White Walls” is upset about the grade inflation that the new practice is causing. “Horace Mann has never been a place to inflate anybody’s grades, Dean of Freshman-hallway-blocking Relations Fibber Elot said. “This is not acceptable that students of completely different abilities are ending up with the same semester grades.”

Ninth graders are also super “salty” at the absence of muscular system diagrams in the classrooms. “They were just, like, so dreamy, so strong, and so commanding,” Vis Coegurl (9) noted. “I low-key had a crush on him, but then he fell for the people who took him down.”

Henry Owens Staff Writer

Many teachers have been caught breaking the rules by hanging up signs and have dealt with serious consequences. A physics teacher remains on probation to this day, and upon his return, students will gain the authority to tell the teacher to put his phone away.

The solution: teachers are hiring students as stand-in nails and tape to hold up signage all over the classroom.

Depending on the teacher, students have been given an additional one to three points extra on tests per period of labor. The extra credit has been given on a curved scale, with the best sign-holders gaining up to 50% more extra points on tests than the shakey holders.

Some ambitiouy s students hope to get gym credit for holding up signs.

“Come on, keeping my arms straight for an hour is definitely more of a sport than whatever the ski team does,” Vairy Korekt (12) said.

“My chemistry class one day had seven holders come in,” said Ameila George (10). “They awkwardly stood on the lips of whiteboards and on chairs so everyone could see their signs clearly. Those volunteers surely were so sweet to us.”

Coegurl faced a dilemma one day in biology. Her crush volunteered one day to hold up a poster of the muscular system. “I didn’t know where to stare,” she said. “It felt so conflicted, and so I just gave up and, like, left class and went to the café.”

The intrusive practice of holding signs has been compared to middle schoolers on the bus in the mornings

when some sign holders invade students’ personal space. “They won’t get out of my face and I can’t sleep!” a Coegirl said. “Just let a girl sleep in bio.

Is it really that hard?”

“It feels like midtown Manhattan where everyone around you is holding up a poster telling you to go to a Panera,” said James Kurt (9). “I didn’t even know Panera existed in the city.”

The other issue that has been raised is how this practice prohibits students from doing homework in the first floor of the library during free periods. “I know how productive students can be there, teacher Una Whare said. “It saddens me to think that I might be the reason students are staying up so late at night, but I need the digestive system diagram or else I can’t teach my students where poop comes from.”

Policy creates opportunities for dramatic entries Emily Shi Staff Writer “If I have to witness one more wanna-be athlete sprinting through giant blown up images of their faces plastered onto a velcro canvas, I might finally exercise my legal right to drop out of school,” a newly 16-year-old sophomore said, after tripping over a photo of a fellow classmate dabbing.

The two faculty members who still have a shard of school spirit to snap about the pep rally pioneered the change after they realized the major difference in attitude of the athletes with and without signs.

In a PE class during the swim unit, attendance soared immediately after implementation. In fact, the magical healing power of the signs seemed to suddenly cure cases of “stomachaches”, “colds”, and “strong desire for the nurse’s ginger ale.” Despite

the pool normally never having more than four students at any given time, 47 managed to show up on Wednesday, albeit a little disappointed when they had to borrow other student’s signs.

Every single faculty member was simply forced to implement breakaway signs after students kept reporting to PE classes rather than their full credits.

Since the race to maintain attendance began, signmaking, following in the footsteps of circadian rhythms, Big Fish, and Tiktok, has officially brainwashed the school.

“Take a ‘vid’ of me running through my ‘studyingon-the-second-floor sign,’ my ‘being-yelled-at-fortalking-after-3pm sign,’ and don’t forget my ‘lastminute-library-printing sign!!!’ Viss Ko (9) was overheard yelling.

However, just like with any new school rule, many people are furious with the new trend, deemed by

Largest donut purchase:

top records to beat

by Ericka familia and Talia Winiarsy

Gordon Ramsey shoots commercial in Caf following RJ Barrett

the administration as the next “apocalypse” after Sick Day 2017 and Bus Day 2018.

In Señor Slump’s A period Spanish class, multiple students “accidentally” skipped after assuming class was cancelled due to the signs that awaited the students, he said.

Feeld Hockee (10) received a double tardy, or TT, after being unable to break the sign for half of the period.

According to the weather forecast, sign-making, more pervasive than any past trend, is either projected to hit the Bookstore or Cohen Dining Commons. What do YOU think will be next? Signs instead of apparel? Or longer sandwich lines than when the middle schoolers – decked out in Golden Goose sneakers and Moncler jackets – cut the line during D period?

7,368 Donuts

After a particularly stressful week, the Happiness Club decided to cover Alumni Field in donuts, as they realized that the typical five tables in Olshan Lobby were not enough to tame the stress circulating within the school. The president at the time said, “we proposed filling the pool with hot chocolate, but only legacy clubs get that kind of funding.” Unbelievable!

Most coffee from the Lutnick cafe in one day:

23 Cups

The Lutnick cafe had to ban a middle schooler after she purchased 23 cups of iced coffee during A-F periods. The student said she was experiencing “extremely high stress levels” and “scores of sleepless nights,” when she couldn’t decide who to invite to her Bat Mitzvah, and had already made 736 rough drafts of the invite list.

Longest time spent on sandwich line:

4 hours, 5 minutes, 37 seconds The record was set by a freshman who kept getting cut in line by Middle Division students. That’s a lot of double tardies!

In a dramatic and unanticipated encounter, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay was removed from campus Tuesday night due to an altercation with students.

Ramsay had been using the Cohen Dining Commons (CDC) to shoot a promo for his brand new TV show, “High School Hell,” in which he educates teenagers on the importance of healthy cooking and frequent swearing. Ramsey was given special permission to film at the school by a FLICK employee.

“People may not know this, but before Gordon was famous, we worked together at Calvin’s Corndogs on the Jersey shore,” the FLICK employee said. “I was absolutely thrilled when he got in touch and I was happy to provide him with a space to film his commercial.”

There is a rising trend of celebrities using the school as a filming location.

In September, NBA player RJ Barrett used the gym to film an interview for a documentary. Students who met Barrett got to chat and take photos with him.

Ramsey’s shoot began after 6 pm when most students had left campus.

However, despite the intention of keeping this commercial a secret, an anonymous source leaked a photo of Ramsey in the CDC and word quickly spread.

A number of students decided to return to school to meet the iconic television chef. Among them was QWERTY (12). “It was incredible to find out that one of my idols was at my school, so I immediately called some of my friends and we ubered to school at 9 pm,” QWERTY said.

A group of about 12 students waited outside the CDC for Ramsey to finish filming. When he did finally emerge, the students approached him and asked for autographs and selfies. Much to the students’ surprise, Ramsey did not want to interact with them and started angrily swearing at them to go away.

“It was disheartening to be cursed out by my hero, but I’ll admit, it was pretty on brand for Gordon Ramsey,” QWERTY said.

In response to this verbal abuse, an onlooker immediately called Public Safety who promptly escorted Ramsey off campus.

“I don’t care how famous you are,” said Mike McCaw, director of Public Safety. “If an adult uses inflammatory and aggressive language towards one of our students, that adult has no place at Horace Mann.”

When asked to be interviewed, Ramsey responded with unprintable apithets.

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THE RECORD NEWS OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

Tillinghast painting Finally comes to life an article about the real MVP’s Andie goldmacher Staff Writer

We all know that humongous painting of Charles Tillinghast near the building’s first floor entrance, but you probably do not think about it much other than the periodic question, “Was he really important enough that he commissioned a giant portrait of himself?” It turns out that that painting has way more significance than you realized.

Recently, the school’s staff members and students staying past the six ‘o clock bus have reported that at night, the painting comes to life in various creepy ways.

“When I am locking down the school at night, I try to get someone else to do the first floor of Tillinghast, because the last time I did it I felt I was being watched by that painting,” a Security guard said.

Seniors staying late for press night also recounted some strange and unnatural behavior on the first floor as they left Press Night. “One time I swear I saw the guy from the Tillinghast painting walking down the hall drinking an iced coffee from the Lut-

nick café” a tired senior (12) said.

“I could just be hallucinating due to lack of sleep, but I swear one time last week’s issue flew off the shelf and into my hand, and it’s haunted me ever since,” the senior said.

The group of students that stayed until 11:00 pm to meet RJ Barrett a couple of weeks ago also reported strange and supernatural activity in Tillinghast.

“I was just waiting for RJ and passing the time by walking laps around the school, but when I got to the first floor of Tillinghast, my feet couldn’t move anymore, and my computer floated out of my backpack and into my hands. My feet couldn’t move until I finished my APUSH homework right there and I missed RJ! I guess that’s what I get for not doing my homework,” a frustrated junior said.

Upon doing some digging in the Archives, Horace Mann legend revealed that Charles Tillinghast’s spirit actually resides inside the painting. Research on the paranormal activity in Tillinghast was executed in 2004 by one of the school’s science research classes.

The student researchers rewired

metal detectors to detect the magnetic aura of spirits, and stayed at school every Thursday until The Record staff finished press night and left the school to track the aura.

“The craziest thing that happened while we were staying late was that one night a bookshelf in the Baruth Room completely collapsed on its own, and when we went into the classroom, our spirit detectors were beeping like crazy. The next day we all received a 98 on our physics tests, the year of Tillinghast’s death,” one researcher reported in his final presentation, partially as a subtle flex.

Some students claim that Tillinghast could be responsible for even larger school-wide disasters, such as last year’s snowstorm. “Being on a bus for several hours really makes you think that some other higher power, maybe even Charles Tillinghast, could be responsible,” a sophomore that was stuck on a Bronx bus last year said.

If this article teaches you anything, it is to be aware of the risks of the first floor of Tillinghast past six ‘o clock. In ways big or small, Tillinghast could be haunting you next.

Let’s (Marching) Band Together Adam Frommer Staff Writer

All art by Kiara Royer/Features Editor

The Homecoming 2018 band was not hired to play again this year due to their inadequate performance of the School’s alma mater at this year’s auditions. Although the band practiced for hours on end, they were unable to play a satisfactory rendition at this year’s try-outs.

“It isn’t our fault. The alma mater was just impossible,” Jason Anthony, member of the band, said. “When the school insisted we try anyway, that was the last straw for us.”

“If Horace Mann students can’t even sing it, how are we expected to play it?” band singer John Davis asked.

Since last year’s Homecoming, the band was “discovered” and has begun to play at more than just homecoming games and pep rallies. The band doubled their hiring rate and started to play at high-profile events, including Poly Prep and Fieldson homecomings. Meanwhile, they did save enough funds to play in the actual colors of the schools they performed at.

A possible replacement band felt distraught that the school didn’t have its own marching band. “There is nothing more important than a marching band to bring the school community

together,” said Adriana Humble. As a marcher, she felt uneasy working for a school that didn’t support her life’s passion.

During last year’s visit to the pool the brass players were worried about the chlorine corroding their lacquer finishes. After watching our teams play, the band also held concerns about stray balls denting their instruments.

Particularly, tuba player Alexander Elliot feared that a ball might get stuck inside his tuba and would no longer be able to produce sound.

Other marchers felt a similar sentiment and questioned the ethics of the school’s priorities. One night before this year’s auditions, the entire brass section refused to play.

Surprisingly, at last year’s Homecoming, nobody was confused to see a band of adults dressed in blue being paid to play and walk in step. “I was actually perplexed as to why the school hasn’t always hired a band after seeing their performance,” Mannie Flats (11) said.

Sophia Stost (11) agreed. “There was something unique and yet familiar about it,” she said. “It was an easy conversation starter that we can no longer use.”

Last Homecoming, Klein’s claim of the Homecoming band being a

conversation starter was empirically true. According to a poll, 50 percent of underclassman found themselves more willing and comfortable to strike up conversation with an upperclassman by simply saying “Hey, did you hear that the school hired a marching band?”

At this year’s pep rally, students were devastated by the band’s disappearance. “I guess the school is strapped for cash this year,” Jillian Mikien (12) said. “After the new flatscreen T.V. on the food truck, something had to give.”

But is there anything better than the live music of a marching band at a high school football game? Yes. “As much as we wish to think we are, Horace Mann is not quintessential high school,” said Jody Freeman (11).

“I’m glad the administration figured that out this year.”

Students were really happy that the marching band money was put to a good cause for the school this year.

Instead of a marching band, each team got to run through a 10ft tall banner, Lily Martin (12) said. Despite the seemingly repetitive gesture, each team’s entrance was as fresh as the first.

“Still, nothing will be like the good old days,” administrator Karol Barth said. “I will sincerely miss those marchers.”

Julia Goldberg Staff Writer Deafening cheers and colorful posters filled the main gym during Tuesday’s volleyball match; however, the support was not directed towards the team, but rather towards its manager, Unaath Letic (11).

“Managing is a hard task,” Letic said.

“And when you think about it, we managers deserve encouragement. I mean, we support the team, but does anyone ever think about who’s supporting us?”

A spectator of the match this past Tuesday, however, admitted that the support for Letic wasn’t totally out of the goodness of her classmates’ hearts.

“Unaath said if we made her posters, she would give us the brownies that she made for the volleyball team,” the spectator said. “But then the brownies weren’t even that good. They tasted like the bitterness of defeat.”

Moreover, according to an anonymous survey, only 71% of the team actually knows who Letic is. “That’s a C-,” a helpful PCBCH teacher supplied. “But don’t worry. It’s common for everyone to bomb at least one test.

That’s why we allow one assessment to be dropped a semester.”

“I have never heard of the name Unaath,” one respondant from the survey said. “And anyway, what is a sports team manager?”

Usually during games, Letic pulls o u t a pencil and writes down a series of random numbers.

“It typically goes something like 1, 4, 59, 87, ⅔, 99.

I hope those numbers look like stats, because I don’t really know what stats look like,” she said. Letic is currently taking AP statistics H period, but unfortunately has had to miss several classes a week to attend the volleyball games.

“I don’t think Letic likes math. Or sports. Or me,” Letic’s stat teacher said.

Letic has been working hard as

manager of the team since she got cut, she said. “One time in our volleyball unit, I served the ball over the net three times in a row, which was a gym record, apparently, so I thought I’d try out for the team,” Letic said.

Furthermore, since her parents were both serious athletes in high school and college, Letic felt determined to show them she could add to her collection of sports

awards, which currently is comprised of 14 participation trophies.

“Then I got cut. At first I was kinda depressed, but then I thought, ‘You know what? I can do even more than join the volleyball team. I can run it.’

That takes more initiative, anyway,” Letic said.

One coach said that she had never seen anyone play like Letic before. “She kept screaming ‘duck!’ whenever the ball came near her. It was very unexpected. I recommended she try out for a club dodgeball team.”

“When I heard Letic tried out for the team, I was so shocked, I dropped my protein shake,” Veriiath Letic, Unaath’s sister, said. “I have never seen her and a pair of sneakers in the same room.”

The best part of being a manager has been escaping gym, Letic said.

“Last year we played soccer for a whole trimester. I tried to stall by changing in the bathrooms for 23 minutes every day. I hope no one noticed,” Letic said.

Two trimesters is certainly the most gym Letic can handle, she said. “If I ever have to get back into that pool, I swear I’ll transfer to Fieldston,” Letic said.

Letic said that she will try to manage two other teams this year, so that she will never have to return to gym, she said.

5

HORACE MANN ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT OCTOBER 31ST, 2019 Gabby Beefberg/ Farts Director

This article was cut due to geese infiltration.

GIRL CRYING Euwan formatted this slug because Nelson’s skills lie elsewhere.

After uproar from everyone but the actual students, eighth grade implements CoCo night Julia Goldberg Staff Writer This past Wednesday, nervous whispers and light chatter filled Gross Theater as the eighth grade filed in for their very first college night hosted by the school’s College Counseling Office (CoCo).

“The experience was quite stressful,” Ovver Echevir (8) said. “Apparently, this year, we’re only supposed to be focused on school work.

I thought I was supposed to be developing my extracurriculars, though, so I stopped doing my Spanish homework in September and took up competitive knitting.”

Echevir, who now has a 7% average on Supersite, is a little bit nervous, he said. “I wish I had known all of this sooner, or I wouldn’t have invested $50,000 into my yarn collection. I feel kinda betrayed, you know?”

However, for Idun Kare (8), the night was uneventful. “I already know I’m going to Prodigy University,” Kare said. “I mean, my second cousin went there, and my dad says that all that matters nowadays are connections.”

Last week, Kare posted a picture of their mascot on Instagram with the caption ‘#PU #classof2028’ and it got 98 likes, she said.

In fact, Kare boasted that she has not worn an item of clothing without the word ‘Prodigy’ on it since the first day of school. “I’m practically a brand ambassador. I’ll probably get my first paycheck from them next week,” she said.

When asked what she’d do with the money, Kare predicted she’d invest it into her Riverdale—the show, not the school (ew) ––themed lip balm collection.

Another student, Noit Al (8), agreed that the night was a waste of time. The college counselors kept saying that they would answer the eighth grader’s questions, but afterwards they just talked for five minutes about something completely unrelated, Al said.

“I told them my stats and asked them for my percent chance of getting into a top 15 school, rounded to three decimal points, and they were

Photo by Nellmoon Gaillard/ Handures Editor

like, ‘it’s not about ranking, it’s about where you’ll be happiest and make the most friends.’ Like, did I ask you about that?”

Shockingly, the night had been planned long in advance. “That’s actually why we moved our office to the Middle Division,” Corrine Conner (CoCo) from the CoCo said. “Confidentially, we told another writer that we moved for functionality, but that was a total lie. We just got sick of the Class of 2020,” she said.

The current juniors and seniors suck, another college counselor complained. “They’re so boring. I talk to them and all I hear is ‘GPA, blah, blah, blah, common app, blah, blah.’ At least the eighth graders don’t look like they’re about to start sobbing 24/7,” he said.

However, Icrya Lot (8) did go home after college night and have a mental breakdown, she said. “Then I postmated a large mango bubble tea and ate a bowl of the tonight dough, and put on a facemask. I felt a little bit better after that,” Lot admitted.

Though Echevir, Kare, Al, and Lot all had different opinions about the night, many students did not––as they simply were not in attendance.

According to CoCo, there was some confusion about whether the night was actually happening.

“Apparently, they sent out a mass email about it through First Class. Who checks that anyway?”

One eighth grader asked, looking befuddled.

“My mom limits me to three socials, so I only use Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok.” One student, Reb Ellious (8), admitted that although he knew about college night, he told his parents it had been cancelled so that he didn’t have to go. Ellious said that he has no regrets, and is not planning on attending a single college night all five years.

“Look, I have a Living Color project due tomorrow,” Ellious said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure everyone here ends up going to that same college in Chicago anyway.”

The CoCo is planning to have a second college night for the eighth grade next month, and will revise their plan so that the grade actually shows up this time, they said.

NELSON doesn’t know how to make a slug, so Euwan had to make it.

Oh good. We had always wanted to be graded in assembly. We’re definitely glad that this is happening.

Bradley Bennett Staff Writer

The school plans to implement a new grading system for assemblies in the 2020-2021 school year. This change comes in response to the lack of concentration and active participation in recent assemblies, an administrator said.

The grading system will be primarily based on the students’ level of participation in each assembly, Head of Upper Division said. Each homeroom teacher will intently watch the students in their homeroom during the assemblies, and give each student a grade on the ten-point scale for each assembly, and these grades will be averaged and counted as a full-credit course at the end of the year, Head of Upper Division said.

The grading rubric distributed to teachers will

be based on three major factors: the student’s posture, their amount of phone checks, and the quality of their alma mater singing, -- said.

Homeroom teachers will note the precise angle of their students backs throughout the assembly, a history teacher said. The closer the student’s back is to 90 degrees, the higher grade they receive in the posture category.

Students will receive a lower grade in this category for falling asleep, wearing Air Pods underneath a hoodie, or sneaking food and drink into Gross Theatre. Posture will represent 25% of the student’s overall grade.

“I have noticed my students slouching, slumping over, or even sleeping during assemblies, and I feel the compulsive need to grade them for doing something wrong,” an English teacher said.

A science teacher said that the posture grade

will also make each student grow more because “good posture stretches your back and makes you taller.”

Next, homeroom teachers will grade their students on the amount of times they check their phone during the assembly, Head of Upper Division said. Simply checking the time will lower students by one point on the ten-point scale, while unlocking the phone and using an app can generate more serious consequences, he said.

Students who send snapchat streaks, play crossy road, or listen to music will receive a 0 for the day in the phone check category.

“Although I love sending snap streaks during assemblies, I can’t allow my students to do that,” a math teacher said.

Finally, teachers will grade their students’ performance of the Alma Mater. The boys will be

graded on the deepness of their voice in the line “great is the truth and it prevails.” Meanwhile, girls will be graded on how high their voice can go during the line “lives come and go, stars cease to glow, but great is the truth and it prevails!”

“I’ve always wanted to be able to grade students based on ability instead of effort,” a music teacher said. “It makes teaching much more exciting and realistic.”

Students who receive an A-range grade in Assembly next year can move into the AP Assembly course, which allows them to sit in the first row of Gross Theatre. Those who receive a failing grade will be relegated to the Recital Hall for the next year until they pass the course, Head of Upper Division said.

6

THE RECORD NEWS OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

Brave senior puts college prep down as Common App activity Spencer Kahn Stand-up Comic For many college-applying seniors using the Common App, the activity list is known to be one of the most difficult sections to complete, but not for Mickey Michaelson (12), who has used it as an opportunity to bring something new to the table.

“It all started when I watched a YouTube video about how to apply for college,” Michaelson said. “In the video, they mentioned that you need to fill up your entire activity list to even be considered for a top 100 school. The problem was that I only had seven things on my list, when you need ten.”

Michaelson said that his initial idea was to volunteer at a local dog shelter for an hour after school each day, but decided against it since it would require “actually putting effort into something.”

Instead, he came up with something completely original; he was going to write an entry about college prep as an extracurricular.

“I don’t know why no one has thought of this before,” he said.

“It’s like when UChicago asks ‘Where’s Waldo’ and you just say ‘in his books, duh,’ the answer is so obvious.” Michaelson said that he spends more time worrying about his college essay’s possible grammar mistakes more than he does on his homework, so it’s “essentially an extracurricular anyway.”

Shonda Antonio, Michaelson’s college counselor, said her “mind was blown” at his suggestion. “Not once have I ever heard a student come up with something as brave as what Michaelson has done today,” she said. “I told my college counseling colleagues about it, and we all just stared at each other in complete silence because we finally found a student who was willing to speak truth to power, which in this case is of course the College Board.”

Michaelson said that he hopes to inspire more seniors to take after his lead. “The goal for this whole thing is to inspire others to put ‘College Prep’ on their own activity lists,” he said. “Because if I get enough people to do it, I can add ‘started a movement’

A Year in the Life of a sad and formally utilized divine FaceBook page: Stressful Stressposting this title had to be really long because we had too much leftover space anonymous sophomore said.

Vivien Sweet In light of this civil disobedience, Head Staff Writer “Stressful Stressposting,” the former centerpiece of the student body’s comedic talent, has been hit hard by the departure of the class of 2019—perhaps even more than the community council was by the loss of William Golub ‘19.

This school year, only two memes have been posted, which pales in comparison to the hundreds posted in the last two years.

However, the 846 meme-loving members seem to have an ironic sense of self-awareness this decline, as shown by the numerous photos captioned “Press F,” “This is so sad,” and “RIP.” “Every so often, a stray meme about the safety assembly or the alma mater will pop onto my timeline,” Varsity eSports Co-Captain Sal Jones said. “But now, I only get notifications from my physics honors Facebook group.”

Guidance and Counseling reported an increased number of complaints regarding the lack of an easily accessible “laughter outlet,” citing Stressful Stressposting as “the only way to go through senior fall,” Director of Minor Student Inconveniences Dr. Bo Red said.

“We’re almost out of snickers and pretzel sticks, and we just refilled last week,” Red said. “Someone has to step up and share some memes again.”

According to Student Festivities Director Holi Daybreak P’20, a student uprising has been brewing to replace Book Day with Stressful Stressposting 2.0 Day. On that day, students would attend mandatory joke-inspiring workshops, such as an independent study presentation: “A comprehensive history of the meme” or an interpretive dance class meant to symbolize the rise and fall of the comradery, an

Librarian Brooke Smart fears for the student body’s future, as fewer non-textbooks are checked out every year while more requests for rentable AirPods are coming in, she said. “All they seem to care about is memes, but can’t even get the main joke source up and running again.”

Amid the chaos, Lorenzo Hess ‘19 and Teddy Rashkover ‘18 were invited back to the school by Chief Administer of Laughs Dr. Tom Kelly in order to revive Stressful Stressposting. The duo dominated the group during their era, with Rashkover’s most notable line being, “I’m a pianist and a scientist” and Hess’s practice of making memes solely on the “Notes” app becoming his distinguishable trait.

Hess continues to pursue the art of meme-making, majoring in comedic studies at Memephis University and taking a side job as a drummer at the local standup comedy club. Meanwhile, Rashkover dropped out of college altogether, opting to privately further his piano skills and lab work in the basement of Tillinghast.

Upon return to the school, both felt a loss of laughter in the community, noting the lack of smiley-face tattoos and lions-themed cookies in the library during break. Rashkover was especially stung by the freshman who rolled over Rashkover’s toes with his wheeled backpack without apologizing. Immediately, Rashkover took to Stressful Stressposting to meme the incident.

“We may have graduated, but our memes sure haven’t,” Hess said. “Keep your Facebook notifications on. Stressful Stressposting’s got an SBP assembly to cover.”

as my tenth activity and basically guarantee my admission to any college.”

Michaelson’s friends weren’t too keen on his idea. “We had no idea you could write something like that,” one anonymous friend said. “I did the Record, Robotics, Model UN, Debate, Model Congress, and HMTC for all four years, and I’m still not sure if I’m getting into college.” Another friend said that while she laughed at the idea at first, she knew it wasn’t a good decision because “someone on College Confidential told her Harvard would see it as blasphemous.”

Michaelson said he was ecstatic his idea was getting an “Off the Record” article. “I can probably add this as my tenth activity,” he said. “Now I’m definitely going to Harvard!”

Like all major changes to world order, it takes a daring soul to challenge the status quo. Michaelson is definitely not that person.

But he sure wishes he were.

Zippadeedoda zippadeeday my oh my what a more convenient way Adam Frommer Staff Writer Due to the unprecedented success of HM in Motion, the capital campaign that funded recent renovations, the administration has decided to move into the second stage of fundraising for the campaign’s primary purpose.

To be finished in the fall of 2023, once all of the current high school classes have graduated, the school plans to build a series of “people movers,” otherwise known as zip lines, stretching from Tillinghast Hall to Lutnick Hall in order to get the school “in motion.”

“We thought announcing our real plans back in 2016 was too dangerous,” the project’s Lead Strategist Prudence Peaches-Jones said. “We knew we wanted to take post-worthy pictures of Lutnick Hall when it was finished, and the zip lines might have disrupted the aesthetic.”

After the great success with the school’s new eccentricities such as the saltwater fish tank and Italian coffee-serving Illy café, Peaches-Jones thought that now would be the perfect time to unveil his latest thought creation.

“To say that HM in Motion has truly come to fruition, we must get our excellent students literally moving,” Head of ziplining relations, Dr. Guadafamilia Grunk philosophized. “After all, we must provide the world’s best and brightest young minds with physical as well as mental movement in order to shape the full individual.”

It is predicted to get quite hot on the zip lines: from getting rope burns while getting tongues burned on espresso and burning out in the sunlight, zip lines will surely bring some heat to those cold winter days.

“We realized that we had been lying to the students the whole time,” Head of Upper Atmosphere Development Dr. Dore Nobb said. “They have been expecting these zip lines for the past few years ever since we announced the new buildings. The administration values full transparency with the student body.”

The school will not be the first private teaching institution to test out zip lines, but it will in fact be the first to build them. Zip lines have been tested in over 17 schools resulting in a total of over 50 injuries and have since been discontinued at each school.

“But it makes sense that we’re doing it because we are always told that HM is all about intellectual risk taking,” Trudy Whole(12) said. “The administration wants to push us past our comfort zone.”

The wires will lead from the roof of Tillinghast Hall to the Alumni Field entrance of Lutnick Hall. Because of a quite unexpected failure to receive sufficient donations, students must use the same lines on their way back up to Tillinghast. Unfortunately, students will not easily zip up the gradient of the rope on their way to back Tillinghast Hall, and students may have to pull

their way up the rope. Therefore, it is predicted that students will likely walk anyway due to physical power needed to return to Tillinghast on the lines.

The decision to have zip lines was really one of practicality, Associate Project Strategist Angelique Papaya-Johnson said. Escalators and moving sidewalks would be too dangerous and costly.

Furthermore, slipping on ice in the winter will no longer happen since students won’t have to walk anywhere.

“Horace Mann hopes to emulate the ‘normal,’ suburban high school experience, which is why I favored this plan in and vetoed Mr. Loew Kiy’s proposal of buying a helicopter to transfer students from the two buildings,” Grunk said. “The ziplines just feel a little less flashy.”

But for those who feel too intimidated or uncomfortable using the zip lines, the school will make sure to put signs in the bathrooms that will surely make students feel better.

“I know the real reason for the zip lines,” Trooth Tella (9) said. “I have gotten 35 tardies so far this semester because the walk between Tillinghast Hall to Lutnick Hall is way more than the allotted five minutes.”

From an admissions standpoint, the zip lines will attract more sports-inclined students who tend to be thrill seekers, Head of Admissions Olivia Jadesaid.

In the winter, when Tella has to walk all the way around the field along the sidewalks, “forget it,” she said. “There is no chance.”

Tella’s main concern with the zip lines is that the Lutnick Hall mice might scurry up the wires and migrate to Tillinghast. “Purposefully linking such ecosystems might be detrimental to our building ecology,” Tella said.

But according to chickadees found at Dorr, the new ziplines are supposed to promote togetherness, unity, and a sense of team building that the school values. A frog also noted the promotion of the core value “A Secure and Healthful Environment,” as students will surely be so tightly secured into their harnesses.

Each rope, in addition to helmets and harnesses, will be named. Size medium harnesses numbers have already been dedicated in memory of the trimester system. Some aspiring seniors seniors have tried to donate money in blessed memory of plastic water bottles in the caf.

The school is sparing no cost for safety. Each helmet will have a sensor to alert the athletic trainer after the student has already hit their head, so students will at least be aware when they attain a concussion.

“I fear that the zip lines may not be over the top enough for the school’s taste.” Lyar said. “The students and faculty wish that HM would just spend a little more money on the things that mattered.”

We’ll certainly find out over the coming weeks if the ziplines give the people what they want.

All art by Reena Yeet/ Desing Editor

HORACE MANN LIONS’ DEN OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

Oh my Gourd! Let’s get spicy Flood alert: overflow of sweatshirts in dean’s suite

7

Talia Winiarsky Staff Writer

Andie Goldmacher course all bought their class apparel, because Staff Writer

“The whole Dean’s Suite thought grade-designed t-shirts would be such a great way to facilitate grade wide bonding, but it turned out to be a big flop,” one grade dean said with a sigh.

Each year, the Class Presidents of each grade send out an email about class apparel, which can be anything from sweatpants, to Yeezys, to bucket hats, to Hydroflasks, and then ask for help from the rest of the grade to design it. Historically however, no one offers to help and the Class Presidents design the apparel themselves.

“This has been a school tradition for the past ten years, and each year the Dean’s Suite accumulates hundreds of unsold t-shirts,” a member of the administration said.

In a recent Record poll, only 30 percent of the freshman class, 15 percent of the sophomore class, and 5 percent junior class bought class apparel. The seniors of

Study Hall. “Come to study because you broke #getinthe20ne. your leg, leave with a Many students vowed 2010 sophomore class to only buy class apparel t-shirt,” a senior who if it were from certain “rolled her ankle” and brands. “If the t-shirts can no longer participate were from Off White or in gym for the rest of the Supreme, maybe I would first quarter noticed. consider it,” Mon E. “Vintage” class apparel Clere (10) said. is also being sold to midStudents also dle schoolers in order to said they would pass as high schoolers so prefer other they can use the Lutnick items of clothHall café and study in ing or accessothe library during their ries as opposed frees. to a t-shirt.

Though this is cer“I’d consider tainly an interesting sales buying class tactic, it does not appear apparel if it to be very lucrative. “I were a don’t need a high school t-shirt to get my daily mannocino,” Coughie Addeckt Gabby Beefberg/ Farts Director (6) said.

AdditionHydroflask ally, class t-shirts are or a pack of scrunchies,” now being distributed Viscoh Gürl (9) said. in the library with the Due to the excessive snack during break, amounts of unsold though they don’t seem t-shirts in the Dean’s to be as popular as the Suite, the school is now mini Chips Ahoy packs, selling old class apparel a librarian said. in various inventive The moral of the story ways. “The shirts we’re is: don’t buy your class selling are not old, apparel when you know they’re vintage,” one you can get it for free administrator said. next year.

Free t-shirts are now being given away in

Like Moses parting the Red Sea, middle division students made a mass exodus from Pforzheimer Hall, rapidly scrambling toward the Cohen Dining Commons to get on the lunch line, which wrapped around Fisher Hall 37 times. While this may sound like any other D or E lunch period, there was one crucial difference: the school’s dining service, Menus Ethically Made Everywhere (MEME), served pumpkin spice flavored everything.

You know the taste - the sweet, creamy fall flavor that reminds you of a brisk walk in the park, with leaves crunching under your feet and bare trees reaching out their branches toward winter.

The flavor also has a reputation of being painfully basic, as made popular by Starbucks. Nonetheless; students weren’t ashamed as they gleefully ate their pumpkin-spiced fried Mac and cheese balls.

The school and MEME decided to hold Pumpkin Spice Week this year because in a few years, pumpkins might not be able to grow because of the climate crisis. Even worse, the Earth will have exploded and this article will be in flames.

“Who cares if the Earth explodes? Pumpkin spice is legendary, so if the Earth explodes, it will survive. As Jake and Alice Paul say, ‘Legends Never Die,’” a freshman, who quite evidently hasn’t taken US history yet, said.

Treta Goonberg, climate crisis activist, visited the school to see the pumpkins and their spice.

“If you don’t want to strike for climate, do it for the pumpkins,” she said. MEME and Goonberg led a strike last Friday on Alumni Field, drawing protesters from all over the world who had flown to be there. They marched in a circle around the field while holding pumpkins above their heads, chanting their usual array of pleas to the tune of the alma mater.

The pumpkins used in the food were specially

imported Hank’s Pumpkintown in Water Mill (aka the Hamptons). The AP Environmental Science class visited the site to make sure that the pumpkins were of the highest quality. “We measured the roundness of each pumpkin to make sure that they were aesthetically pleasing for when I posted them on my VSCO. Save the turtles!!!” Disposable Fork (12), a member of the AP Environmental Science class, said. Unfortunately, the Uber trip back home ruined Fork’s 5.0 rating. “I guess the driver didn’t like all the pumpkins.”

However, the decrease in Uber rating was worth the sacrifice, Fork said. The luxurious pumpkins could have been the reason that everyone loved the food. “I was gonna Postmate something from Chipotle, but then I tasted the pumpkin spice waffle fries and they tasted like my favorite stale Pop-Tarts” a late night snacker (10) said.

The pumpkin spice flavor was more than tasty: It was addicting. In fact, the Counseling and Guidance Office had to offer counseling all week, and even created a new group, Pumpkin Spice Anonymous, to help students overcome their addiction.

The group followed 12 steps to gradually wean off pumpkin spice and held support groups during I periods. “It was a busy week in the Guidance office. We had to buy pretzel rods and kinetic sand in bulk. We also have these magazines in our office that answer questions about sex for teenagers that are usually dusty and unused on our bookshelf.

But for some reason, last week they were extremely popular,” one counselor said.

MEME and the school hope to host another Pumpkin Spice Week next year as long as the Earth still exists, which given the current state we are in, is less likely than one would hope.

Fart Director/ Annabelle Chan

Ill-advised study found that alma mater allegedly summons ghosts. Bill Nye somehow involved???

Talia Winiarsky Staff Writer

“Dr. Kelly, we have a problem,” ghost experimenter Dr. Ghoul Buster muttered into her walkie-talkie as the most recent assembly ended.

While students harmoniously belted the tunes of the Alma Mater with gusto, Buster was scanning Gross Theater for the presence of ghosts.

Buster has unparalleled experience in the field of supernatural beings. She was responsible for the viral Facebook event “Raid Area 51” because she suspected UFO activity in the region. She is the most qualified professional in her field, according to her mom’s profuse Instagram stories posted precisely every seventeen minutes and thrity-nine seconds.

“Even though we had to cut into the bouncy castle budget to hire her, she was truly worth it,” Director of Ghost Affairs Dr. Hallow Een said.

The school first questioned the Alma Mater’s ability to summon ghosts after no Upper Division student could remember a single word from the Alma Mater in a recent survey. At first, the school thought nothing of it, Een said. Perhaps students yearnd to prolong sixty seconds of peace or their Horace Mann education was simply failing them. .

“I can barely remember my locker combination. I’m pretty sure there’s a moldy jug of tea in there,” a sophomore said a month after taking the bubble tea from the clubs’ fair.

Last year, a poll demonstrated that 103.7632% of students developed severe exhaustion during assemblies, especially toward the end, and could not resist the urge to pull out their phones or to fall asleep.

“We questioned the divide between natural and supernatural. We thought, ‘Perhaps students are possessed while they sing the sacred words of the Alma Mater?’” Een said.

To begin to answer this question, the school hired Buster to conduct a series of experiments to test for ghosts’ presence.

To start, Buster came to observe what really happens when students and faculty sing the Alma Mater during the end of the assemblies by bringing in special equipment disguised as everyday and well known objects. She arrived in an UberXL that discreetly hid her state-ofthe-art equipment with its tinted windows and wore ghost detectors that modeled AirPods. She came prepared for the worst with a huge bucket of iced coffee, which acted as a ghost repellent in case a student were to be possessed. Don’t worry, though - it was Starbucks coffee, not Dunkin.

And in case there were a ghost in the floor, she wore Air Force 1 Nike sneakers. “When Dr. Een told me that this is how I should disguise my equipment, I didn’t realize how many students actually dress like that,” Buster said.

During the Alma Mater, Buster put on her special glasses, cat-eye shaped, of course, that can see ghosts. On the opening note, she saw ghosts streaming into Gross Theatre and the Recital Hall from the floors and the stairs, and watched as they completely infiltrated the spaces. The ghosts floated all over the room until the last chord, when they retreated back where they came from.

“It turns out that the audacious request of asking the heavens to hail to Horace Mann makes some ghosts very angry,” Buster said.

“Also, the really high notes, such as when you

sing ‘who have past their youth neath the guiding hand,’ wake up the ghosts from their slumber, which aggravates them, and you end up with googols of cantankerous ghosts in the room.”

To confirm her findings, Buster researched if the ghosts had any online presence, and it turns out that they are very active on social media.

The ghosts were discovered under the TikTok username “Horace Mann Ghosts.” They had one video to the tune of Mariah Carey’s “Obsessed” and asked the student body, “Why you so obsessed with me, boy I want to knowwww?” In the video, students could be seen asleep during the assembly while the lyrics of the alma mater playing on the screen in the background. “You wish you were TikTok famous like us, ” a super scary ghost said in the video.

As the students in the TikTok were videoed without consent, the ghosts will be going on trial with the Honor Council. The ghosts also violated the school’s Core Value of Life of the Mind because they are dead. They follow their own Core Value, “Death of the Mind,” instead. “I think it’s really cool that ghosts don’t conform to our social standards. I’ve started thinking about the ways that I conform to social standards, such as getting dressed every morning and wearing shoes I’m going to live by my own rules from now on,” a barefoot sophomore existentialist said.

The trial will be held next Tuesday during G period, and the President of Mock Trial will be the ghosts’ lawyer. “If we lose, we are appealing to the actual court system,” the Mock Trial President said.

The school celebrated Busters’s findings with

decorate-your-own ghost cookies in the library during break on Wednesday. “I absolutely hate ghosts - I’ve been ghosted so many times. I’m so much more at peace now,” an emotionally damaged senior said in the library while eating spoonfuls of neon green frosting.

Buster did such great work that the school is already planning future projects with her, Een said, such as monitoring Horace Mann Orientation (HMO) classes for ghosts.

A freshman said that going to HMO makes him want to fall into a deep sleep. “I always thought that I felt that way because the class was so boring, but now that I heard about the assembly experiments, I think that I could be possessed by a ghost during HMO,” the student said.

Bill Nye, world-renowned scientist and Nobel Peace Prize winner, commended Buster for her outstanding work. “Horace Mann should really be grateful for all she’s done,” Nye said. “I will honor her by granting her an episode on my show, and I suggest that you name a locker room after her, or even create a panini in her name.”

Art Director/ Gabby Fishberg

Lions’ Den Record Sports

8

OCTOBER 31ST, 2019

Swim test? More like, I hate this. Students go on anti-spirit rage John Mauro Staff Writer

Imnota Fisch (11) checked Firstclass for the first time in three days and opened an email from the athletic office.

“Greetings - in a few days, you will have to take the annual mandatory swim test. Please come to the pool during your regularly scheduled gym period, and BYOB (bring your own bathing suit),” an email from the Athletic Office pleaded .

The swim test, which has been part of the school’s curriculum for two years, is yet another chance that students have to refine their ability to come up with excuses.

“I was initially thinking of ways to get out of the swim test,” Fisch said.

“Because the test date was so spontaneous, I didn’t have time to convince my doctor that my “chlorine allergy” was returning again.”

After spamming the upper division with emails, the athletics office coaxed five freshman into taking the swim test last year, a gym teacher said.

Fisch has avoided swimming ever since 9th grade water polo tryouts, when a lifeguard had to jump into the pool and rescue her after she jumped into the shallow end and started

drowning, she said. “Strictly speaking, there was no notice that you had to be able to swim to be on the team.”

“Some of the current members on the team still don’t really know how to swim,” a water polo team captain confirmed.

However, Fisch needed the high pass in gym to add to her college app, she said. “Last year, I spent most of gym hiding at either end of the kickball line,” Fisch said. “I somehow got a ‘Requirements not met’. That should’ve been impossible because I only got 11 cutslips for the semester.”

Fisch walked through the frigid locker room’s swamped floor no doubt leftovers from middle school PE - and joined the rest of the class at the side of the pool deck.

The two-part test began with a series of intensive aerobic exercises across the width of the pool, Fisch said. “Coach said I only swam a 50 yard freestyle, but I felt as disoriented as one of the main characters of Keg Party,” Fisch said. “It didn’t help that there was some freshman who got recruited to the swim team for breezing past me.”

The second part of the test was a 30 second this treading exercise. “Every second felt like a whole period of reading William Blake,” Fisch said. “I swallowed so much pool water that I didn’t even need to eat lunch that day.”

“All things considered, I thought I did pretty well. I was shocked to find out that I was recommended to take supplemental swim lessons,” Fisch said. “I guess I’ll have to pretend that I’m on my period for the next month.”

Lilina Greyf Staff Writer

Sparked by a change in Physical Education sweatshirt material, students stampeded through Tillinghast Hall while wearing the apparel of rival schools in the area.

Last week, all students received an email informing them of the change in sweatshirts that are worn for physical education classes. Now, rather than the once100% cotton material, the apparel is 50% polyester. Although this may seem like a standard change for most, some students found this to be an extreme inconvenience.

“Some people are allergic to polyester, so that’s like, a blatant act of discrimination,” Ri Verdayl said.

Many students were heavily impacted by the decision.“It’s not my fault that I break out in hives if cheap material touches my skin. I just want to fit in,” member of the class of 2022 Pauli Prehp said. “I had my mom write me a doctor’s note so I wouldn’t have to put it on,” Hak Lee said before gagging dramatically. “I wouldn’t let that polyester near me.”

Students took to Facebook and, for the first time ever, Firstclass conference forums to discuss the problem. One group was titled “Protest Against Polyester: an open space to cry, rant, and make memes.”

The group was started as an online gathering of like-minded individuals examining an obstacle, but the atmosphere quickly intensified, and the students decided to take action.

They organized a school-wide rally -- everyone involved would come to school wearing other non-Horace Mann apparel, making sure that every sweatshirt was 100% cashmere.

On the day of the protest, pandemonium overtook campus. Classrooms were flooded with the hideous colors of opposing schools, and demonstrators strung up orange and blue streamers saying “polyester bites, so we bite back” and “#nomoresynthetics.”

Many teachers expressed disappointment at the energy put into the protest.

“They came charging through the halls like middle-schoolers who drank too much coffee at the café,” English Teacher Odi See said. “I wish they would put that much work into their JRPs.” Some went all out for the event. A group of freshmen dyed their hair blue and gold just for the occasion. “I just feel like I’m really part of something bigger than myself.

It’s like I’m finally, like, making a change in the world,” Trin Etie said.

Although most participated because they truly believed in the cause, some students had other motives for involvement.

“I’m just annoyed that the class of 2022 is the one that gets donuts for their spirit,” Sake RedHart said. “What’s up with that?”

The protest signified a change in the mentality of the students. “Although we are unsure of any further steps that may be taken, we have hope for the future,” Bree Aharley said. “Hope that one day, all students may be able to wear the P.E. uniforms of their choice. That one day, no one will need to suffer the shame of synthetics.”

Channel your excess gas! Get a high pass!!!

Sam Chiang Staff Writer

To earn a high pass in gym class, couch potatoes have transformed into elite A1 athletes.

These lads sprint across the field making money moves in kickball and even changing into their traditional gym garb prior to class.

Reserved for only the baddest and the brightest, the high pass is driving students to touch the ball (at least twice a semester). Shockingly, due to this new lifestyle seniors even started showing face for once.

In an effort to increase the pizzazz of the school and rise up in niche rankings, gym classes are now extremely competitive and cutthroat.

Students are diving to make plays and when gym classes go on walks, students take each step with newfound enthusiasm. “If I don’t get a high pass in gym class, I’ll never get into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, or Stanford,” a freshman said.

“My mom even got me a “personal trainer” to work out with so I can perform better in class. I have academic tutors so why not have a personal trainer?

Stay skinny my friends.”

The high pass really makes all the difference in a college application, especially with my 0.6 GPA, a senior said. When the admissions counselor sees a high pass in gym, they just know that this student will be engaged in community activities and be a good asset to the school, she said. “Everyone’s hyping up STEM, but gym class grades are increasingly important,” Mr. Joe, college counselor, said.

“Grades do not define you,” a Science teacher said to her senior advisee in an effort to stop him from crying after only earning a pass in gym for the provisional report, “I really grew as a person in college, but probably because I ingested gallons of cabbage soup; that’s the most important,” she said.

All of the inflammation surrounding the high pass has also given gym teachers unprecedented amounts of dictatorship. “They totally play favorites,” a freshman said, “my team never gets to serve first in volleyball, and the other team gets to wear tiaras. Just because I never tried in PE before and didn’t show up at all last year doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be given a chance to earn a high pass this year,” a senior purported.

The school has also given out vestments for students to wear during leg

day. “I had to buy size 13 Nikes and below the knee tennis skirts prior to this class, so I could look have a complete athleisure look,” said a freshman.

Other students have also found it funny that everyone wears the same shirt. “The shirts are nice, but they remind me of when I was on a field trip in kindergarten and my whole class was given shirts to wear so that the teachers and chaperones could keep track of us,” a junior said.

“But then again, I don’t care what it looks like as long as it gets me a high pass,” they said.

“I’ve been trying in PE since the sixth grade, so I think it’s a good thing that people are now embracing the competitive environment, a junior girl said. “Some of us have always been trying, and I enjoy the increased rigor. To be honest, we should be invited to the sports banquet each season because I really want to speak on behalf of my gym class.”

The culture surrounding a high pass in gym class has toxically spurred the imaginative minds of many students and has them chanting: “With a taste of a poison paradise, I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic” Brit Knee (9) said.

“Sure, varsity sports matter, but dist inguishe d institutions are set apart from the rest athletically

because of the competitive nature of our intramural sports,” a college scout said. “It’s the next big thing; we are promoting a healthy and competitive lifestyle for our students.”