WEEK IN BROTHERHOOD

Hey, Indy. Masha here.

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that a certain co-editor of the Week in Review has started her own fraternity. So cool, right? I’m so happy for Nora and her extremely exclusive “Friend House,” a theme house where the theme is ‘friends with Nora.’ Congrats, Nora! Everyone here at the Indy is really proud of you.

Just. Kidding.

When I tried to join the so-called Friend House, I was given the cold shoulder and the ‘muddy pillow,’ as they say in Iowa. Even though I gave a great audition (singing selections from my one-woman musical revue, Return to the Emporium: The Mrs. Magorium Story) and I let the frat haze me every day for a month (converting to an all-mustard diet, changing my name to Femcellina, etc.), I still wasn’t allowed in. Last time I checked, being “off putting” and “flirting with everyone” and being “evil but not in a hot girl way, in a dogs-don’t-like-me kind of way” doesn’t make me unqualified to join a fraternity.

And I know everyone keeps saying I should be glad I didn’t get in because Friend House has all these weird inside jokes, like, they all have to call Nora “The Oracle” and they have their own holidays, like Donate a Pint of Your Blood to Nora Day and Steal a Baby for Nora Day; I get it. They’re the cool, edgy friend group, and I’m

Hello Noranators!

just…not. The only edgy thing I do is wear Jeffrey Dahmer glasses and do microaggressions against my peers every day, which is cool, but not Friend House-cool.

That’s why I’m starting my own theme house: the Fraternity Against Popularity. FAP’s mission is simple: to foster an inclusive space where diverse individuals can gather and exchange ideas, so long as they have identical views, hotness levels, and a dedication to not asking too many questions. FAP is different from other frats, in that we’re a sorority, and also a pretty transparent MLM. While our religious order is spreading the good word about our deity, Coke Rat, our totally unrelated business is busy selling a variety of Italian sauces—just the way your Noni and Freepo made them! What makes our sauces different, you ask? They can cure treatment-resistant depression. So say goodbye to big pharma and hello to Big Parma, the only sauce-based cure for TRD endorsed by Squeaky Fromme and sponsored by Ford Truck Month: When You’re Here, You’re Buying a Truck.

Anyway, I’m totally over this whole ‘Nora vs. Masha’ thing; it doesn’t matter who started it, or who sprinkled salt on the other one’s

I’m here to clear Friend House’s name in light of some criticism that has been levied at us. (One amazing way to start off on the right foot is to start a letter by saying criticism was “levied.” My vocabulary has gotten super good ever since the Creator started using me as a vessel!) Please note that anyone who does not respond to this notice with a list of 10 things they love about me, including drawings and an original song, will be placed on probation (which you KNOW means you will not be eligible to participate in the Design A Haircut That Is Flattering For Nora’s Face Challenge!).

I know what you might be thinking, but not all of the House’s activities are intentionally centered around me! And if they were, remember who it was who first came up with the idea for Beer Yogurt—beer but there’s yogurt in it! I care about all of your gut health like sooo much. This leads me to my next point: Friend House is a meritocracy! Why else would everyone have told me my 2022 trend predictions were spot on (1. hotdog no bun, 2. scene bangs, 3. straight marriage)? I know I’m right because I gave all of you side-swept bangs and they look amazing. See, I deserve to be Oracle and make a crew of gorgeous elegant nerds do my homework for me!

Seriously, please remember how much I sacrifice for all of you. It’s so nice of me to use the house’s funds to buy the winner of the bi-monthly singing contest an ATV! It’s NOT my fault the only songs we can sing are from Harry Connick Jr.’s discography and it’s NOT my fault they were made for my range (baritone with an innate sense of empathy). Now I have 15 ATVs and an alternative haircut, which puts me exactly in the middle of the American political spectrum. It’s so important that your leader is popular on both sides of the aisle!

You guys also forget that there wouldn’t be a social life on campus without me. Without Friend House Fight Night, where would you all meet eligible singles willing to risk it all to fight in my honor after taking a sip of the house’s crops, or who publicly doxxed the other one on Twitter. This is not a pissing contest (although if it was, I’m preeetttty confident my medically heavy piss flow and huge fucking dong would win the day).

Sincerely, Masha Breeze

communal jungle juice? Friend House’s secret jungle juice recipe is 100 “Nora Mathews pills” dissolved in chocolate milk. What other frat leader manufactures their own medication?

I started this fraternity (fraternity is from the language called Latin☺) for one reason, and one reason only: to make my parents proud. My parents have always encouraged me to split rent with 30 people who are too scared to try to borrow my car! This is also the only frat on campus for multi-hyphenate creators, and anyone who tries to threaten our community of actor-producer-director-wallflower-patriot-NYC transplant-dog moms is probably really messed up on the inside and maybe also the victim of a recent hit-and-run. (This does not count as a confession, Masha! Both of our lawyers know I didn’t hit you with my car. Your argument will never hold up in a court of law!).

Oh, also, I’m hearing the Creator tell me that next Tuesday is Spend $40 On Something That Would Look Nice in Nora’s Room Day! Can’t wait to see you all there.

Love, Nora

TEXT MASHA BREEZE & NORA MATHEWS DESIGN FLORIA TSUI ILLUSTRATION MICHELLE DING