To Her, I Never Knew
LIT
by r.
TEXT RAELEE FOURKILLER
DESIGN ISAAC MCKENNA
ILLUSTRATION RAELEE FOURKILLER
sickly clear liquid pumped into Her arms i remember the scar the yellow brown ooze trickling down into a plastic throwaway pouch sleepy-eyed sipping chocolate milk after waking in the backseat of the car i held Her hand i rubbed curly coils of teddy bears fur, the one the doctor gave Her and she gifted me.
17
she came from that kinda dust bowl family clothes on the line pop you on the head with a wooden spoon bare foot running kind pink bandanas tied covering chemo cinnamon sprinkled after school sweet tea scooped full of cane sugar from the blue tub falling dust to the wind sweeping away like tears who have passed making their way from one body to another. i’ve never known the whispers pricks of memories she carried that struck in the night shuddering light a door opened floorboards creaked in childhood chest connecting shag carpet she swam in the slow beat of Conway Twitty paired so well with longing. never did i see the shadows that crept from Her back lower lower pulling into deepest hollows cranked down with years of hurt absence in space where truth should have lay sideways nature shifting memory attempting to find [ ] when fiery hurt scalding came again.
//
Her body spoke in ticks that repeated once they ended gloss glazed over floating look when she lit up another just as she finished the last the faraway remembrance pulling Her back as the days light faded into another i still could not have known. sutures lined chest forget me nots five o’clock blooms running circles round a knowing that lurks from cracks in the wall she remained separated inside herself tied to places of Her memory creeping at a hum starting in toes.
when children should have been inside the stars called out in their place i heard Her recounting the past tangled mess of vulnerability and scarring that tethers a mother to a daughter twisted line wraps itself round their hearts lying in belly unraveled with each soul she creates to repeat down the line laying holding spirit safe unfurling happens strangled desolation attempts to sever us strand nearly slips caught by membranes knowing place.
tearing an act practiced by guilt this pooling space it inhabits loudness that silence carries my place this twisted hanging thread blowing Silently from both directions i feel not much less than free. // She left this openness a nothingness sphere that waited waited to be forgotten a memory transformed into shadows imbuing shame : anger : surrender morphed body into being its vessel being nighttime’s lullaby grief’s song. whispering, i weave sinew emotions hoping to find a semblance of Her before distance claimed mind leaving an outline for us i enact memory a body of water waits floating carrying me back to where I began a coiled thread RAELEE FOURKILLLER B’22 is always nostalgic and longing for the sun.
