WEEK IN NEPHÉW

Week in Nephéw*

Hey all you week-pilled reviewheads, we’ve been wanting to open up our section to a guest writer for a while now, so this week we let our shared-custody nephew, Henri, write the Week in Review. Henri likes aliens, slime, drinking a cup of water without coming up for air, and queering the phenomenological canon. Here are Henri’s top eight news stories of the week!

1. My Dad Got a Vasectomy on Wednesday Which Begs the Question, What’s a Vasectomy?

Let me know if you find out! Also my Uncle Bwian babysat me while my dad was at the doctor and I found a robin’s nest on the ground and I said it was cool. But now Uncle Bwian thinks I really like birds for some reason and he keeps emailing me pictures of birds and I don’t know how to tell him I’m not interested that much actually because I really like creative writing mostly.

2. Did Anyone Else Think Jason’s Mom Was Being Kind of Weird This Week?

Jason is my best fwiend in the whole world because we basically both love claymation because it’s basically epic and we even went on vacation together to Portugal last year with both our families (except not Jason’s brother because he got in trouble for getting wadicalized). Anyway on Monday I went over to Jason’s house after school to play Minecraft and his mom was there but she was actually being so weird. Basically she kept talking about her root canal and how we shouldn’t eat any candy so we don’t have to get a root canal like her and how her root canal changed the shape of her face and she feels like she’ll never be beautiful again and how we should enjoy youth while we have it and I was like… whaaaa?? Then she made us help her take the compost out. It was super random.

3. Above Gwound Pool

Brett Garber got an above-ground pool and he says his mom’s gonna let him invite over everyone in our class after his brother’s Bar Mitzvah and we can all swim in it.

4. Economics: Kaylee Being Home Sick Driving Up the Price of Duct Tape Wallets

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Kaylee M. was home sick with the flu on Monday AND Tuesday. Kaylee makes the best duct tape wallets in the whole school, because her mom lets her buy five types of duct tape at Michaels (batman, checkers, donut, lightning, and the most valuable, mustache), and she only charges one Gogurt for them. Her only competition is Kaylee P., who makes boring purple wallets and also gave everyone lice two years ago. Plus her mom ruined the Third Grade Halloween Bash by bweaking up with her dad in front of everyone during “Monster Mash.” So no one ever buys her wallets. But when Kaylee M. didn’t show up to school on Monday, Kaylee P. had the market cornered and literally charged thwee Gogurts for a wallet and everyone had to cough it up. Just goes to show that a feared tyrant always triumphs over a benevolent ruler *eye roll.*

5. My Pediatrician Died Last Month, and the New One’s Name is Dr. Grito Which Sounds Like Cheeto So I Call Him Dr. Cheeto

This one kind of speaks for itself. Write in if you come up with a better nickname!

6. My Mom Bought a Vacuum and the Dust Has a Party Inside

We get to wear shoes inside at my house, because if I have to take my Keens off for even five seconds the smell is so bad that it makes my fish dead (one time I wore my purple sandals in the pond at nature camp and when I got home my goldfish Mr. Sixtydollars bit my sister’s fish Swimmy to death)! And also I like to hide presents in the rug because they always make my dad surprised (Lego swords and real-life needles). My family goes through vacuums almost as fast as Jake eats a lunch tray full of ketchup— really really fast and then slow and then fast again and then he gets to skip the part of gym class when we jump a lot. I wonder if my mud and dirt and dust and the dried Play-Doh speck that looks like a bunny with eyelashes still get to have birthday parties in there after they get sucked up?

7. There Was a Big Bird Outside Today

I got banned from the part of recess where Chloe and Elise do Ice Cream Store with wood chips because I refuse to be a team player and I don’t have a twin. So I have to sit with Brandon and throw rocks in the big drain to help him “feed the dead.” Once I tried to tell Brandon he couldn’t come to my trampoline party if he keeps talking about creepy stuff, but he looked at me in a way that gave me a big headache and I had to lie down in the nurse’s office with the lights off and I missed independent reading time. Today, a big bird landed on the ground near the woodchip pile and Brandon talked to it and he said it was his uncle. Ok fine!

8. My Cousin Has a Type of XBox That No One Else Has, and Stores Don’t Sell It

My cousin Gord wears hats with the flat part and he has an XBox that looks like the regular ones except it has a secret type of Fortnite. And also he says it has a camera on it that shows him all the times I called my teacher “Mom” by accident so he’s good at making fun of me.

*to be pronounced like “review”