Presents: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INDIE YOU

ebruary 14 is right around the corner and love is on the brain! There’s just one problem. Because this is the Indy, my editors told me that I had to frame this column as an anti-capitalist critique of Valentine’s Day. They also said that if I wanted to make pop culture references, they would only permit allusions to French New Wave cinema. They warned me that if I didn’t start adhering to the Indy’s mission statement in my column, they would replace Dear Indy altogether with a new section called Accessible Critical Theorist of the Week. Readers, I was faced with a tough choice. But I’m willing to put my career on the line to help my readers in the best way I know how. I’m willing to fight for love— and this week’s readers are in dire need of some advice about it.

Thankfully, I’m a highly qualified expert: I’ve seen every rom-com* there is to see, and if the leading guy was really hot, I’ve seen it twice. The editors can spit on me and push me down the stairs of Faunce while invoking the name of Éric Rohmer, but deep down, they know what I know: anyone who knows anything about love learned it from a movie starring Drew Barrymore.

Dear Indie,

Recently, I’ve

Dear Not Quite Unrequited,

Love, Not Quite Unrequited

This would be a fun situation for a will-they-won’t-they arc in a long-running sitcom, but it is not a great situation for you in real life. Liking someone who’s unavailable is hard enough, but having to deal with the roller coaster whiplash of weird mixed signals is even worse, and it isn’t fair to you. If this person really cared about you, they probably wouldn’t be playing wiffle ball with your feelings (I’m not super good at sports analogies, but I mean to say that, metaphorically, they’re bonking your feelings around with a bat in a way that is not particularly impressive because your feelings are sitting right there on a tee anyway). Plus, if this is how they behave while they’re in a relationship, how can you be sure they would behave any better if they were in a relationship with you?

I would steer clear for a while. You deserve to be with someone who is entirely available and entirely not a jerk. If this really is a will-theywon’t-they plot, and if it’s really meant to be, you need to give this person a couple of seasons for character development first. The cool thing is that sitcom characters always get hotter with each season, too.

Have a question for Dear Indy? Submit it here!

Boo Hoo My Life Is So Hard

Love,

Dear Boo Hoo My Life Is So Hard, Shut up! Shut up! Let me go take some deep breaths for a minute and then I’ll answer your question.

Okay, I’m back. Sorry for giving you that pseudonym. As much as your dilemma sounds like a veiled way to brag about being obviously very attractive and having a great personality, I get how this could be frustrating. It would suck to worry about a friendship being jeopardized, or whether or not you’re unintentionally leading someone on. Being a good friend already takes energy and care, so it’s reasonable to assume that being a good friend to someone who might be in love with you (or who is definitely in love with you) takes even more.

Before I go on—I’m not accusing you of being intentionally flirtatious, or blaming any of this on you, but if you’re being intentionally flirtatious it’s your fault and you should stop.

I’m sure, however, that this is not the scenario, and you’re just being yourself. In that case, there’s no real way to prevent people from constantly falling in love with you. Maybe you’re just that beautiful and that charming, which is fine. You can’t control that. What you can control is how you respond to these friends who immediately develop feelings for you. You shouldn’t have to forfeit an entire friendship just because someone is into you, but it’s important to make clear that you don’t feel the same way. If you explicitly communicate your lack of interest and they still want to be friends with you, that’s okay. If not, they were either never really your friend in the first place (which sucks but good riddance), or they know that they need some space from you in order to deal with their feelings (which also sucks, but in a more emotionally mature way). It’s really, really difficult to be stunning, smart, sexy, and hilarious, but I think you’ll be okay. I will be, too, after I go take some more deep breaths.