The Preaching & Ministry Journal: August 2023 Dealing With Difficult People

emotions than is proportionate. Harold Taylor called them the “vocal negative minority.” Our number is somewhere around 3% but we’re certain that number goes up and down some from place to place. Regardless, if we are not careful with how we deal with them they can consume us.

In this quarter’s issue of The Journal we have reached out to some preachers who have supplied us with excellent pieces to aid, equip, encourage, and instruct us as we navigate the white water of drama that difficult people bring into the lives of ministers. We hope this will be a blessing to you and a blessing to your ministry.

Thank you for reading and for sharing this with others. Thank you for the continued outstanding response to The Journal On Preaching and Ministry. If we can be of service to you, please let us know.

UNDERSTANDING THAT I CANNOT LIVE AT PEACE WITH EVERYONE: LIVING WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE

Jovan Payes, jovan.payes@gmail.com

God created human beings to be social, to live within community. When “God created man in his image, in the image of God he created him,” notice that the text then equates this action with, “male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). [All Scripture references are from the English Standard Version unless otherwise stated.] The word “man” (’adam) here is not exclusive to the male but is generic for mankind as a created order. Mankind is the only creation made in God’s image and likeness, which is to say, that elements of the human species allow us to approximate what God is like. Humans are not God, but they share the “family resemblance.” A few of these resemblances include being free social, moral, spiritual, and relational creatures.

Christian ministry among God’s people and in the world speak to these fundamental human issues and experiences. God has always communicated His will to humanity to shape our social, moral, spiritual, and relational towards godliness through Divine action, word, or prophetic revelation (Hebrews 1:1–2; 4:12–13). Unfortunately , our ungodliness gets in the way. Not only is the human response to the exposing power of God’s Word often filled with resistance, but often the people who pursue godly living are resisted, rejected, and in extreme cases are persecuted (1 Peter 4:1–19). Christian ministry, then, is grounded in the understanding of God’s word, its proclamation of the gospel by which sin is condemned and the power of God’s gracious sanctification is heralded.

The work of Christian ministry is seated right in the heart of the human experience. It challenges free will choices, it condemns certain actions and commends others, and does so with love and righteousness serving as tandem virtues. Jesus in his farewell words to his disciples, reminded them that the Word of God makes enemies. For this reason, He quoted Psalm 35:19, “They hated me without a cause” (John 15:26). This

raises the issue of this short essay: while ministry is often filled with wonderful experiences and we witness meaningful spiritual triumphs, it is inevitable that the ministry of the Word will create conflict among those we share it. We cannot always live in peace with everyone. How do we as ministers navigate this hard bitter truth? I suggest the following spiritual and emotional tools.

SPIRITUAL TOOLS Sitting with the Rejected Jesus

When we find ourselves at the barrel end of the anger and rejection of those we minister to, we need to sit with Jesus. God’s work comes with rejection. Jesus said, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you” (John 15:18). The prophet Isaiah foresaw the coming of Jesus and depicted Him as the rejected servant who will suffer for the healing of Israel (52:13–53:12; Acts 8:35). On the surface, He was “stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted” (Isaiah 53:4), but in fact He was punished by God for Israel’s rebellion against God (Isaiah 53:5).

Robert Chisholm notes that Isaiah affirms that “this apparent alienation was not final” for God’s servant will

be vindicated (53:10–11; Handbook on the Prophets , 120–21). The Gospels recount in detail how in His ministry Jesus was rejected for the hard truths against hypocrisy, traditionalism, and lack of love and grace for the downtrodden. I have learned to sit with Jesus when I feel rejected by those to whom I minister the word of God.

The Light Must Shine in the Darkness

The light of God’s word often creates tensions with those whose sins, consciences, or beliefs are cloaked in the darkness of worldliness. There is a great temptation to preach what is agreeable to the majority. When we push beyond what is traditionally expected or on controversial topics, biblical conclusions about sin may be met with hostility. These hostilities may be warranted if the presentation lacked love or adequate biblical foundation. Other times, hostilities arise because a social norm that has become acceptable is called sin. The preaching of repentance is to trade in resistance.

Additionally, preaching God’s word trades in light and darkness, righteousness and sin, morality and immorality, and personal sins and relational sins. If we refrain to proclaim the “whole counsel of God” then we will have abdicated our role as servants of God (Acts 20:26–27; Galatians 1:10). It is hard to speak God’s Word to people you love when you know that you are shining God’s light into their darkness (John 1:5, 11–12), but this is the task we have accepted. Trust the light to do its work.

Compassionate without Compromise

My prayer for those in ministry is to develop the emotional and spiritual disciplines above so they can endure the temptations which emerge from ministerial conflict.

Every preacher brings a culture to their pulpit. Our desire to be faithful to God’s Word can sometimes lack compassion. We should take time to evaluate if some of our uneasy relationship with others is because we preach as if there is only one type of preaching: harsh. The oracles of Moses, the prophets, and the sermons and discourses of Jesus and the apostles provide us with diverse examples of proclamation. Jesus certainly condemns sin. Remarkably, He lovingly invites the sinner to the

innermost part of His heart (Matthew 11:28–30).

On one occasion, Matthew cites Isaiah 42:1–3 to describe Jesus’ healing love for the sick. His compassion is framed as “a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not quench” (Matthew 12:18–21). William Barclay reflects on this well, “A man’s witness may be shaky and weak; the light of His life may be but a flicker and not a fl ame; but Jesus did not come to discourage but encourage” ( The Gospel of Matthew, rev. ed., 2:34). We should always do some soulsearching when reflect on the friction created by our attempts to proclaim God’s Word.

them. It is hard not to personally take the rejection of what we teach and preach. Jesus reminds us that when our teaching aligns with His, any rejection of the doctrine goes back to our God.

Ministry is people work.

EMOTIONAL TOOLS

Disappointment is a Normal Reaction

Isaiah declared, “who has believed what he has heard from us?” (53:1). Paul himself cited this in Romans 10:16 as he discusses the problem that not everyone will believe, yet the gospel must go out. Ministry is people work. We work with people. People disappoint us, especially those that know us and our love for

The disappointment in “ministry outcomes” can tap into our identity issues and send us down a shame and depression spiral. Not everyone will like our preaching style. Not everyone will like our personality. Not everyone will accept us either. Sadly, we will be misunderstood as well. We will be judged by word gaffes in the pulpit. Our hard stand on sin will sometimes be confused for bigotry and outdated morality. People we love may be inadvertently hurt by ministering the Word of God. We always want clear skies, but we must endure cloudy days. Disappointment is a normal reaction when our goodfaith intentions in ministry create personal problems with others. Love them through your disappointments.

Frustration is No Excuse for Bad Behavior

As a young man, I thought I would become an auto mechanic for Mercedes-Benz. One day in auto school, two Russian students were

heard banging on a car. The teacher yelled out into the shop, “what are you doing?” In response one of them said in a thick Russian accent, “Don’t worry, sledgehammer and screwdriver fi x everything.” My teacher was not impressed. When our message offends, and it will, then remember we are stewards of God’s Word. When we are frustrated by how people to respond to us, and we will be, then remember it is not an excuse for short-sighted responses that satisfy our emotional fixations of retribution.

“Sledgehammer and screwdriver” will not fix everything. When reading the Gospel accounts, Jesus certainly had His fair share of direct controversies, but He always tempered them based on the kind of person that stood before Him. Frustration often seeks a release because we have been let down. It is hard to remember that the person in front of you needs the grace of Jesus, not a petty unkind word that took a second to say but may take a lifetime to overcome. Yet, we are called to be peacemakers between God and man, and with each other (Matthew 5:9; James 3:17–18). The work of peace-making applies the transforming “heart of Jesus” to times

of conflict (Ken Sande, The Peace Maker, 134–35).

Pray and Meditate through the Psalms

If there ever was a biblical figure that understood conflict in his life with those who oppose God’s will, few rival David. To say David was not perfect is an understatement. He is a multi-dimensional fi gure. Warrior and worshiper, sinner and a man after God’s own heart, condemned and vindicated, a political rival and a Divinely appointed king. The books of Samuel also reveal him to be musically inclined. He eventually received the moniker, “the sweet psalmist of Israel” (2 Samuel 23:1).

73 psalms in the Psalter explicitly are “of David.” They are prayer-songs David wrote to praise God, declare faith and trust in God, plea for retribution, and to recount God’s deliverance. Philip Yancey says that these “150 psalms are as difficult, disordered, and messy as life itself, a fact that can bring unexpected comfort” (The Bible Jesus Read, 119). These psalms are a powerful tool for emotionally wrestling with ministry conflicts.

A significant form of psalm is the lament. The lament is essentially a broad category of urgent prayer for God’s redeeming and saving

intervention. Despite the sense of being God’s anointed and chosen, it seems rejection follows God’s servant. Sometimes the rejection is fatal and communal (Psalm 22), or betrayal (Psalm 41). These laments reveal that conflict in the life of God’s servant can cause confusion despite a deep faith. They can help structure our prayer life when wrestling with conflict. Psalm 13, for example, illustrates this process: call to God with our complaint (1–2), petition God to intervene (3a), give God reasons for His intervention (3b–4), and an expression of faith or sense of vindication that God has helped us through our conflicts with others (5–6). It is an interactive type of prayer (Walter Brueggemann, An Introduction to the Old Testament, 281–84). As ministers we need a prayer life to help us cope through conflicts in ministry when we are unable to live peaceably with others.

CONCLUSION

The spiritual and emotional tools I have surveyed are essential tools for the minister in times of conflict. I have not listed intellectual tools because our instincts to respond to con fl ict and rejection are often emotional responses. As Jack Cottrell reflects, “What should a Christian do when harmed by another person…? The almost-universal tendency is to personally strike back, to retaliate, to try to get even, to make the evildoer pay for the harm he has done, i.e., to seek personal revenge” ( Romans 2:343). Paul calls all Christians to resist this tendency for vengeance, “repay no one evil for evil… if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:17–18). My prayer for those in ministry is to develop the emotional and spiritual disciplines above so they can endure the temptations which emerge from ministerial conflict.

WORKS CITED

Barclay, William. The Gospel of Matthew. 2 vols. Revised edition. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox, 1975.

Brueggemann, Walter. An Introduction to the Old Testament: The Canon and Christian Imagination. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox, 2003.

Chisholm, Robert B., Jr. Handbook on the Prophets: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Minor Prophets. 2002. Reprint, Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2009.

Cottrell, Jack. Romans. 2 vols. College Press NIV Commentary. Edited by Anthony Ash. Joplin, MO: College Press, 1998.

Sande, Ken. The Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. 3rd edition. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004.

Yancey, Philip. The Bible Jesus Read. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1999.

Jovan Payes, Bakersfield, CA

Anyone with a sibling likely learns the art of retaliation from an early age. If your brother hits you hit them back even harder. If your sister takes something from you take something from her as well. As evil and malicious as it sounds, this is sadly the game we sometimes play. Perhaps as adults it takes the form of someone else getting what we wanted or having their way, but ultimately, it’s the same ugly game of pride which leads us away from the ethics of Jesus. Surely not in the church? Not among God’s people? Jesus knew that even among those who wanted to follow Him, pride, rivalry, and sometimes Doug

In what are called the “Antitheses” Jesus offered a sharp contrast between the way that the Law of Moses had often been interpreted to a view that more closely aligned with God’s will. Jesus started each of these sections with a recall the Law: “you shall not commit murder” (5:21), “you shall not commit adultery” (5:27), “give your spouse a certificate of divorce” (5:31), “you shall not make false vows” (5:33), there shall be “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” (5:38), and “you shall love your neighbor” (5:43). In the fifth of his “antitheses,” Jesus recalls the lex talionis written in Exodus 21:24, Leviticus 24:20, and Deuteronomy 19:21, saying, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:38-42).

At face value the old law of retaliation seems fair. Someone takes your eye you can take their eye.

is it possible to “be the bigger person” because of what sin has led every person to become?

Someone hits you on the cheek you can hit them back. This made sense in junior high and it’s still the way most people operate. It’s fair right? Regardless of the severity of the crime there was a perceived balance in the punishment and the crime according to this system. Sometimes behaving in a way that seeks to bless others rather than seeking revenge has been referred to as “being the bigger person,” but is it possible to “be the bigger person” because of what sin has led every person to become? Most of us in our worst moments are still self-centered and spiteful. We want to be liked and commended, which leads to our sometimes responding with grace because we want to be praised more. Saying we are being the “bigger person” might suggest that we are implicitly better or superior to someone because of how we choose to respond, when truth be told we are indebted sinners who deserve God’s wrath but by His grace have been offered hope. Instead of trying to be “the bigger person,” perhaps

we can just say we are trying to be “like Jesus.”

So how does Jesus say we can be more like him and act “like Jesus”? What should the ethics and priorities of a follower of Jesus look like?

First, those who follow Jesus do not seek revenge, or return evil for evil (v. 39; Luke 6:29). While this text is not about the government’s right to uphold justice, it is a call for disciples of Jesus to avoid private retaliation in their personal practice. Jesus was not teaching that we should desire to be mistreated, but rather that when we are mistreated, we should keep things in the proper perspective. As a disciple of Jesus, I am not defined by how much I win or how much people recognize my power. I am recognized for being like Jesus, who exempli fi ed this principle perfectly. Even when someone seemingly deserves to be hurt, I do not return fire. What do we do when someone refuses to let us love them in peace? Romans 12:18 puts it most clearly, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Yet even in light of this we seek to be like Jesus who “when he was being reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered

he did not threaten; but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

Second, those who follow Jesus do not put too much value on material things (v. 40; Luke 6:30). Contextually the example Jesus uses seems to imply some legal action, while in Luke 6 the scenario seems to be more like a robbery. What do we do when someone takes something from us that is rightfully ours? Jesus doesn’t spend any time discussing the value of the tunic, but instead simply says if someone takes your tunic instead of resisting offer him your outer garment also.

Third, those who follow Jesus go beyond what is required (v. 41). If a Jesus follower is compelled to go the extra mile for a person in authority, they should offer to go even further. Refusing to serve would be contrary to the nature of a Jesus person. As counterintuitive as it is to say that we want to do even more for the ones that we are subservient to, Jesus calls us to be beyond what is contractually required. This is a heart and work ethic that can only be driven by life in the kingdom. It

Instead of trying to be “the bigger person,” perhaps we can just say we are trying to be “like Jeus.”

defies worldly expectations and goes against the selfishness that often defines human nature.

Finally, those who follow Jesus give without condition (v. 42). Whether the person making the request is unworthy or worthy, we should be generous and gracious. Jesus says nothing about the merit of the one asking for aid or the value of the thing being requested, but instead calls us to be givers. Jesus’ words here echo the sentiment of the Law given in Deuteronomy 15:7-11 where Israel was warned about closing their hearts or hands to their brethren in need. God has always desired for His people to do good to all people, especially their brothers

Developing Future Leaders

So, in what might be listed among the hardest teaching of Jesus to follow we have seen what it means to “be the bigger person,” or perhaps more properly to be “a Jesus person.” God’s people are not driven by a desire to get back at those who wrong us. We put more value on people than we do on material things, even when our possessions are taken from us. We go beyond the minimum requirements in serving God and others. We give to others without any conditions attached. This is what followers of Jesus do. Imagine how the world, perhaps beginning with life in our congregations, could be transformed if we all strove to be more about

1. Don’t work unknowingly with a church that has toxic leaders. How do you know that? You can’t have perfect knowledge. How does a church know if the preacher being considered fits? They interview and check references. Preachers should be as thorough as the church asking questions and checking references.

a. I made it a practice to interview preachers from the past twentyfi ve years when I was considering full-time work.

Preacher Interview : ( https://www.jerriebarber.com/wpcontent/uploads/2016/01/PreacherInterview.pdf)

www.jerriebarber.com/preachersquestions-for-elders/)

Difficult leaders produce difficult followers. If the following group doesn’t change, when a difficult leader resigns, dies, or leaves, the group has already trained one or more difficult leaders to take the place of the one who left.

b. I interviewed everyone on staff: youth minister, secretary, custodian. I interviewed people in the congregation, people who left the congregation happy, and people who left the congregation upset. Staff Interview : ( https:// www.jerriebarber.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/01/Staff-Interview.pdf)

c. Ask what you need to know when you talk to the search committee and elders. Questions for Elders : ( https://

2. When you have a difficult leader, you won’t be able to change that person quickly. He or she has been selected and supported by the group. You won’t change the attitude with a Sunday morning sermon and see the change by the next elders’ meeting. The difficult person may not be the cause of the problem but where the symptoms of the group surface. When a situation is chronic, everybody likes it how it is better than what it would take to change it. The Identi fi ed Patient : ( https:// www.jerriebarber.com/principle-1of-family-systems-the-identi fi edpatient/) Difficult leaders produce difficult followers. If the following group doesn’t change, when a dif fi cult leader resigns, dies, or leaves, the group has already trained one or more difficult leaders to take the place of the one who left.

Change is evolutionary, not revolutionary. As a pastor, I

developed a mantra: "Everything takes fi ve years. Substantial developments in congregational life, the kind that will last, take even longer (Margaret J. Marcuson. Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Kindle Locations 341-342). Kindle Edition.)

https://amzn.to/3JKEyvK

3. When encountering a difficult person, we should follow Jesus’ instructions on dealing with a brother who has “missed the mark” (sinned) Matthew 18:15-17.

4. Be willing to invest ten to twenty years to teach the group to follow Jesus, be more like Him, select qualified leaders, rebuke divisive people, and forgive and encourage those who repent. Spiritual growth is a long-term investment. Jesus selected, taught, and trained the men who would start carrying out the Great Commission and sow the seeds of the kingdom to promote the growth of the early church. After three years of close association and instruction by Jesus, the night before He was crucified, one of the twelve betrayed Him, the rest ran away, and one denied Him three times.

However, after the resurrection, they did what He taught and trained them to do. Colossians 1:23

5. If a difficult leader has damaged you, get help from a trained counselor. Meeting, getting to know, taking classes, and receiving counseling from James Jones beginning in 1982, helped me deal with difficult leaders and become a less difficult leader myself. After James Jones died in 1995, I became acquainted with Phil Pistole, a counselor in Brentwood, Tennessee. I talked with him monthly during my last years at Berry’s Chapel, my last full-time work that ended in 2007. I still talk with him when I have special issues where he has expertise.

6. Would some people view me as a difficult leader? What can I do to remove myself from that list?

See an article with the same title, written for Hope and Expectation a few years ago:*Dealing with Difficult Leaders and Difficult People: (https:// www.newshepherdsorientation.com/ difficult-leaders/)

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE…

WHEN ‘THEY’ ARE A FELLOW STAFF MEMBER

Steve Bailey, s.bailey@cocbrownstreet.org

“Coming into the office used to be a joy, and a day’s work was fun; but not anymore. I liked it when it was the ‘old’ way. I am just not sure I want to work here anymore; things have changed since that person came on board!” Have you ever had these words come into your head? Have you ever uttered these words to a confidant church member or a close friend who is a minister? I suspect we all must have someone we just have to talk with about issues like these from time to time.

As you begin reading this article you may have been blessed with a congregation or two where every person you have shared ministry with and you cannot relate to any of the previous words on this page. My response first is, “Well, God bless you and go with God!” You are indeed a blessed individual. Do not read any further.

However, if it so happens that something I have written has captured your eye, please read on further. There may be hope yet.

We all know the everyday work of ministry is difficult enough, but to have staff issues only adds to the level of stress. I do not know of a single minister that wants or needs more stress in their life. Quite frankly, it takes most of the joy out of working, serving, and trying to be a team player. What is a guy supposed to do? After all, can’t two Christian men get along? Does this happen in the secular world or just to ministers? Am I wrong? Surely, it is he that is at fault? Funny how we often look for the person or place to blame, isn’t it? So, let me give some examples and possible solutions to help you serve God and the staff and be pleasing to both.

Every minister has been in a class setting or sermon where “the dream team” of Paul and Barnabas was about sunk due to past experiences working with a worker, or perhaps personality issues made it seem impossible to work together.

In Acts chapter 15, the Bible records a situation between four men of God (Paul, Barnabas, John Mark, and Silas). Each had worked with a particular minister. The two seasoned ministers, Paul and

Barnabas had as we often say, “A COME TO JESUS MEETING” and it was of all things over Mark. The tension was very high—even to the explosive stage. Paul and Barnabas were just about to ask each other to “step out of the tent” and have an old-fashioned fist fight! That would have been terrible for these men, and it would have been bad for The Church to see and later hear about the events as it was reported in all the church bulletins! We laugh, but this topic is still a subject in retreats, sermons, workshops and even in articles like this.

First, it seems to this writer these two men of God had strong personalities. That same thing happens in congregations today. The search committee thinks that Minister Bill should be hired, he passes the litmus tests, he is offered a place on the staff, and then it happens…“oil and water” meet. Sparks begin to fly, and the oil always burns…water or no water. Unrest sets in. Label it what you will, it probably is a personality conflict.

Second, someone must go to “their respective corner,” the other “goes to his respective corner,” and there

must be a cooling off period. This is hard. Examination takes place by both individuals. Blame is placed, and all the while neither party has prayed a prayer of acceptance or forgiveness. Feelings are hurt and someone is wounded.

Third, these men of God must find common ground. Each has their talents, and each their differences. The area of responsibility must be agreed upon. There is some truth to

along. Both parties must apply grace. When I was a child, I had two older brothers and a younger sister. Sometimes the boys would have disagreements and we would “feud and fight” as boys will often do. I can hear my mother say, “Now you boys just get out in the yard and work this out, and please learn to get along!” I can hear her voice in my head even sixty years later. Just get along with one another. I guess it worked out well, because now we

The Lord’s Church is a family, made up of many personalities, strong-willed and some not so strong-willed individuals. Somehow God planned us to be a family...and that goes for ministers, also.

the popular phrase, “Just stay in your lane, man…!” I wonder if Paul ever uttered those words to Mark? “Now Mark, you just stay on your side of the road, and I will stay on mine, and let’s not get in each other’s way.” Sounds good, but oh how hard it is to accomplish.

Fourth, resolution must be found. If one party runs, the other one stays. Families are disrupted, children are possibly wounded, and even the congregation learns of the disagreement. Somehow, we have just got to do a better job of getting

use our cell phones to make regular calls to each other. And yes, we get along well.

Fifth, sometimes ministers make the decision like Acts 15:39-40 “And there arose such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and departed, being committed by the brethren to the grace of the Lord.”

Call it “irreconcilable differences” or we just cannot get along, it happens.

Unfortunately, it causes a lot of pain in families. Children are uprooted, houses must be sold, houses have to be bought, there are moving expenses, and the such. Add to all that mental and spiritual suffering, a considerable amount of unknown financial expense for the one who leaves and moves away. It is hard.

Six, it is vital to not burn bridges with your co-workers. One never knows if your paths will cross again in another city, at a workshop, attendees at a lectureship, or across town serving in another congregation. It is possible that opportunities will arise, and you will work together again. You will recall in Acts 13:13 Mark left Paul in Perga in Pamphylia and returned to Jerusalem. Whatever the details may be, we do know that Paul felt Mark’s leaving them at Perga revealed a defect in his character. Barnabas recognized Mark’s full potential and wanted to give him a chance to develop and mature in his walk. In short, Paul and Silas went their way and Barnabas and Mark went their way. It could happen today if

disagreements arise. If the scenario plays out that one minister leaves, and the other stays, make every effort on your part to be “at peace with all men.” It appears that is exactly what happened between Paul and John Mark. In 2 Timothy 4:11 Paul asks that Mark come and be with him because he is very useful for service. Mark was not a failure, Paul was able to see that, and John Mark was ready to serve. I am thankful we have these words of reconciliation. This gives us hope. These men of God had issues between them, but Praise God they were able to reconcile their differences.

The Lord’s Church is a family, made up of many personalities, strongwilled and some not so strong-willed individuals. Somehow God planned us to be a family...and that goes for ministers, also. Maybe we just need to have it whispered in our ear: “Just get along with each other!” “Work it out!” Respect each other’s talents, utilize those talents, and simply learn to get along. God bless you on your journey. There may be “bumps in the road,” but it can be done.

Dealing With Difficult

Preaching Brothers

Jeff A. Jenkins, jeffajenkins@gmail.com

It wasn’t a disagreement and at least the temporary dissolving of a close friendship between two preachers because of a doctrinal issue. It rarely ever is about doctrine. There are disagreements over doctrine that can and should cause brothers to be separated. This crisis in ministry wasn’t about a fundamental of the faith that caused these two giants in the brotherhood to part ways. It wasn’t that one had committed a moral wrong. Ultimately it was a a sharp disagreement over a matter of judgement.

Luke details what happened

between Paul and Barnabas. “After

some

days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s return and visit the brothers and sisters in every city in which we proclaimed the word of the Lord and see how they are.” Barnabas wanted to take John, called Mark, along with them also. But Paul was of the opinion that they should not take along with them this man who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. Now it turned into such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and left after being entrusted by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. And he was traveling through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches” (Acts 15:36-41).

There may be times in our ministry when we are called on to work with another difficult preacher

Notice that at first, they were united in their plan. They both saw the need to go back to strengthen and encourage the congregations that were struggling. It seems that one, or perhaps both of these men of God became difficult to work with at this particular time.

There may be times in our ministry when we are called on to work with another difficult preacher. Maybe there are some take aways from this Biblical account that will help us. But first, what are some of the factors that create preachers who are difficult.

PRIDE. There are preachers in the world who have convinced themselves that they are always right. They have come to believe that they cannot do or say anything that would be wrong. These preachers put themselves up on a pedestal. They set themselves above everyone else as if they are the standard. These brothers make everything about them. They have an answer for EVERY question and they believe that their comments about any subject mean more than what

others might say. They seem to dominate every conversation. The Bible is clear about pride and arrogance. Many years ago, the wise man said, “ Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling.” (Proverbs 16:18) “But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6) Pride and arrogance can certainly make a preacher difficult to work with.

SUSPICION. Some preachers can be difficult to work with because they seem to be looking for a false teacher under every rock. They question the motives and even the faith of those who disagree with them. These brothers are hypercritical and again, seem to believe they are right about everything. They are overly judgemental, much like the first-century Pharisees.

JEALOUSY . The jealous preacher isn’t happy when something good happens in the life of a fellow preacher. They are envious and jealous of those they believe have been more fortunate

than they have been. This jealousy can turn to bitterness and cause us to sin.

It is difficult to work with a lazy preacher. It seems that they don’t enjoy work. They are always looking for a way to do less work, than more. This preaching brother has been heard to say, “I don’t know what to do,” or “I can’t seem to find anything to do.” Part of the problem can be that this kind of preacher seems to have forgotten that God expects His servants to be hard workers.

May God help us to develop the heart of Paul. “For you recall, brothers and sisters, our labor and hardship: it was by working night and day so as not to be a burden to any of you, that we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.” (1 Thessalonians 2:9) “But as for you, use selfrestraint in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:5) “Therefore, be on the alert, remembering that night and day for a period of three years I did not cease to admonish each one with tears.” (Acts 20:31)

What lessons can we learn from the situation between Paul and Barnabas that can help us when we find ourselves dealing with a difficult preacher?

1. Remember that as long as there are humans involved, there will be difficulties. These brothers loved each other, they were giants in the faith, and they were both faithful to the Lord. Inspite of what some may think about themselves, there are no perfect preachers. Because of our imperfections and flaws there will be times that we, as well as others will be difficult to work with in the Kingdom.

2. Don’t ever forget that God can use difficult people for His glory. It appears that both of these men continued to do the work of the Lord. Their work for the Lord was expanded to new horizons because they took others with them in their mission efforts.

3. Working with difficult people and any difficulties that may arise does not have to destroy the love and fellowship we have with one another. There

will be times that fellowship must be broken because of sin and/or false teaching. But when something comes about that is a matter of judgement, it doesn’t have to destroy our fellowship with one another. Sometime after the division occurred, Paul continued to consider Barnabas as an apostle and a fellow worker (1 Corinthians 9:5-6).

A Few Quick Suggestions that Might be of Help:

1. Pray for all our preaching brothers. Even when we disagree and when a fellow preacher is difficult to work with, we can pray for one another.

2. Try to be an example of a preacher who has developed a spirit of humility. In a world filled with arrogant, prideful people, may God help His men to pray and work toward developing a heart of humility. When others are difficult, we are tempted to be difficult. When others think highly of themselves, we are tempted to do the same. May we resist satan’s temptation to

make the work we do all about us!

3. Take the initiative in offerning grace and forgiveness. When there has been a disagreement, when a sin has been committed, someone must take the initiative. Why shouldn’t it be me? When we have had a parting of the ways, why do not we reach out even to those who have wronged us, to see if fellowship can be restored. When we do, God will be glorified, and His Name will continue to be spread around the world.

How to Help the Difficult Person

Philip Goad, emailphilipgoad@gmail.com

Difficult people. At least a few can be found in most businesses, church families and blood families. Your ministry wouldn’t be the same without them. There again, if there were no difficult people, you might not have a ministry at all. What’s a minister to do? How can these people be helped? Are there Bible verses that you can share with them? Absolutely! But you probably already know many of them. This brief article will steer your thinking in a different direction and has one big idea as its foundation: The best way to help the person you perceive to be difficult is to become serious about elevating your people skills!

“About 15 percent of one’s success in working with a congregation is due to one’s biblical training and educational pedigree, and about 85% is due to one’s ability to relate to and get along with people in both the

Dale Carnegie referred to the arena of people skills as human engineering. In ministry we help people. And to most effectively help them, we must get along with them and do all that we can to better understand them and relate to them. If your skills happen to be lacking in this area, it is not entirely your fault, but it is your responsibility to get better! Why would I say that it may not be your fault? My experience, both in being a student and in serving as a university administrator, has been that formal education offers little and certainly doesn’t require much related to human engineering. And that’s unfortunate.

It might surprise you to learn that research conducted by the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching concluded that “even in such technical lines as engineering,

about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.”[1] And yes, I know what you are thinking. Your first thought was probably, “I’m in ministry! It’s not just about the money!” And that’s true! But please don’t fall into the trap of dismissing Carnegie because he mentions money. To do so is to completely miss an important point.

Here's my paraphrase of Carnegie’s statement with application to local ministry: “About 15 percent of one’s success in working with a congregation is due to one’s biblical training and educational pedigree, and about 85% is due to one’s ability to relate to and get along with people in both the congregation and community.”

The best way to help the person you perceive to be difficult is to become serious about elevating your people skills!

And it begs the question, why do we not get this much-needed training in school? Yet rather than lamenting the shortcomings of the formal educational process, the key is to take responsibility for your own improvement. You need a personal growth plan! And the good news is that great options are available! Leaders must be readers, and I hope you read broadly. Following are a few resources that will bless you in your study of human engineering:

How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This book has been around for close to 100 years, and it still has the ability to bless your life and your ministry. It will provide a solid foundation by convincing you that people skills do indeed matter.

Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards. From making the right kind of first impression, to being likeable, to being a better encourager and leader, you’ll find yourself reading through this book multiple times. Van Edwards also has a YouTube channel where she shares brief videos that cover principles from her book.

The Enneagram for Spiritual Formation: How Knowing Ourselves

Can Make Us More Like Jesus by AJ Sherrill and Chuck DeGroat. There are a variety of books that have been written on the enneagram, and here’s the reason you need to read one of them. Sometimes the person you perceive to be difficult isn’t really difficult at all. You are experiencing tension with that person because he doesn’t process life the same way you do. Both his thinking and personality are simply different than yours. Different doesn’t always equal wrong. Often it just means different. Acquiring a better understanding of the way people are wired can eliminate a world of perceived difficulty!

Sticking Points: How to Get 5 Generations Working Together in the 12 Places They Come Apart by Haydn Shaw and Stephen M. R. Covey. How many of the difficult people that you’ve had to deal with in your life were of a different generation than yours? When you begin to understand what people of various generations value, you are far less likely to see them as difficult.

As you work on your personal growth plan, you may prefer podcast listening or instructional YouTube videos, and if so, that’s great! The key is to avail yourself of resources that

will help you understand people, interact well with them, and relate better to them, all while being a more likeable person yourself. It will also help you to be well-read in the area of leadership as an aspect of your personal growth plan.

And here’s one more important thing. As you become a serious student of human engineering, an unexpected and surprising truth may surface. It may become clear that in many cases YOU are the “difficult” person in the relationship dynamic!

Think about it. We all know the story of the minister who can’t seem to last at a congregation. Every two to three years he is on the move, and he laments that there don’t seem to be many good elderships or church families out there. As painful as it may be, a trip to the mirror of selfexamination is probably what this always-on-the-move preacher needs most. He desperately needs a personal growth plan. And if this happens to be you, get to work on your personal growth plan today! In addition, contact a minister who’s been serving in the same congregation for twenty years or so,

ask to buy his lunch, get a pen and paper ready and begin asking questions. It is my belief that successful long-term ministry is usually more about the people skills of the minister than it is that he has found a perfect congregation full of perfect people.

Related to this, be sure to have some people in your life who have your permission to keep your mirror clean. We all have blind spots, and we all need people who will help us see them with no agenda other than wanting what’s best for us. If you haven’t anyone in your circle permission to mess around in your business, you really should do so sooner rather than later.

Are there always going to be some dif fi cult people to deal with?

Absolutely! The good news is that as you develop and strengthen your people skills, all your relationships with people will improve. May God bless you in your ministry!

[1] Dale Carnegie, How To Win Friends and Influence People (New York: Pocket Books, 1981), xvi.

Pre-order NOW in bulk: $8 each. Send an email with how many your need and where to ship them to: TJI@TheJenkinsInstitute.com

by Barry Throneberry barry.throneberry@gmail.com

Ministering to Problem People in Your Church: What to Do with Well-Intentioned Dragons

By Marshall Shelley

In the forward to Marshall Shelley’s valuable book, Ministering to Problem People in Your Church: What to Do with Well-Intentioned Dragons, Rick McKinley wrote, “The truth is that any community of faith, whether in urban Portland or the Bible Belt, is made up of people –people for whom Christ died – some of whom you would rather punch than pastor on a given day” (p. 9). I’m not sure I would say the same thing out loud, but I somewhat understand the sentiment: there are people who give you problems in your congregation who frustrate and sabotage our ministries. Well-intentioned or not, they make ministry difficult and have been the cause of many leaving ministry altogether.

I am thankful for this book. It is one that I wish would be required reading for all ministers in our universities and training schools. Shelley gives you an easy to read, fairly comprehensive overview of what the various dragons look like and how they commonly operate (including an up-todate chapter about the use of social media). There are ten chapters to the book, and each chapter will help any minister navigate the various aspects of those difficult members that can cause problems. The various chapters address topics like how to identify the dragon, how to deal with personal attacks, what to do when someone may have emotional or psychological struggles, navigating power plays within a congregation, and even when the “dragon” may be right and it is the minister’s pride or shortsightedness that may be the issue. All while also including how to best play defense in various situations, helping with the timing of when to confront the situation, and, finally, what to do when there is no resolution. Touching on all of these aspects, in an easy to read manner that is filled with real-life stories, makes for a fast and beneficial read.

There are two chapters I find to be highly beneficial, and there is one weakness I see in the book. I will start with the weakness. The greatest weakness is that it is written from the perspective of the minister being the single pastor over a congregation. While there are many similarities between our fellowship and other congregational church governance models, most of us reading this publication do not find ourselves with as much power as these ministers have in the book. While I believe we have an incredible amount of influence and power within a church, most power struggles that I have heard of through the years end fairly quickly when the elders of the congregation decide to make a change with the minister. This book approaches these power struggles differently. While these ministers can be dismissed by their congregational leadership boards, most of the time it is not as easy a process as it is in our fellowship. This is a fairly small gripe about the book but it was noticeable. The stories still resonated, yet I think the process of dealing with them would be different within most of our congregations.

There are many positive take-aways in the book. To begin with, the opening chapter highlights how complex church conflicts can be. Shelley spends the opening chapter telling a detailed story of a preacher who faced the most common dragon in ministry: the very established, highly respected church member who is placed in a position of power and has a different vision from the minister. It sets a great tone for the book, and there are many points in the story that would resonate with those who have spent much time working with others in leadership roles. The final two lines give the goal for what is to follow in the book, “The goal in handling dragons is not to destroy them, not merely to disassociate from them, but to make them disciples. Even when that seems an unlikely process” (p.39). This truth is valuable to remember: the dragons ministers face are loved by God, Christ died for them, and the minister should treat them with the love, respect, and dignity that Christ Himself would show them. Ministers need to be reminded of this often.

Another strong chapter is, “When the Dragon May Be Right.” Too often in the heat of conflict ministers can forget that maybe the ones criticizing have a point and the criticism needs to be heeded. Some of the valuable tips given in processing the criticism are consider the source (if they are well-intentioned, come from a discerning eye, or come from multiple sources), consider the spirit in which the criticism is given, consider concrete criticism more seriously (when one gives a specific criticism like sermons being too long, too theological, or using words that others don’t understand), and consider criticisms corporately (bringing other trusted individuals in on the criticism to see its validity). There are others mentioned, but criticisms that fall into these categories should be treated seriously. The minister’s “dragon” may not be a dragon at all. Many reading this would agree that some ministers are too hardheaded in not listening to sound advice and that has been as much a downfall to various ministries as any one criticism or person.

While there is more that I would love to review and share about this book, let me end by saying that it would be a valuable read for any minister who works within a local congregation. Some of the scenarios presented in the book I personally lived and learned the hard way, and some I hope and pray to never experience. At the very least, the book offers some sound wisdom to consider on how to handle “well-intentioned dragons” when they arise.

WHEN I AM THE DIFFICULT ONE

Brad McNutt, brad@thelightnetwork.tv

“That person is just difficult! He has a serious problem with sin that needs to be corrected. If I am ever difficult, it’s because the demands and stresses of ministry are so great, and I’ve had enough. I’m only one man.”

As you read the above quotation, I hope you began to cringe rather than shake your head in agreement. The truth is, many of us would never say this out loud for others to hear. However, if we are honest, we all have had the same thoughts in our hearts.

Isn’t it amazing that we have the ability to hold others to the highest standards with absolutely zero grace while at the same time excusing and whitewashing our own imperfections? This danger is so tricky to spot because we can cover it in “holy” language. If we are difficult with people, it is because we have high standards, and after all, doesn’t the Lord deserve better? It’s just my personality type. If you ever took the enneagram test, you would understand me and not be offended. Everyone wants to talk about difficult people, but they rarely realize their inclinations to be complicated. That’s the task before us.

You Are Difficult

First, consider this hard truth; you are sometimes a difficult person. If you can’t admit this, you are already treading dangerous waters. Surely we can see our own sinfulness and have the humility to admit our faults as ministers of God’s people (Romans 3:23; James 1:26)? Even the assigned title of this article assumes our abilities to be less than pleasant all of the time. So, begin here, fire the inner lawyer who always defends you, and remember that you, too, can be difficult. This truth is essential to dealing with difficult people as well as ourselves.

Identifying Our Difficult Behavior

Next, we must be able to identify when we are being difficult. There are many ways that this can be accomplished. We all need someone who has permission to speak the truth in our lives. If our friendships are so fragile that we can’t tell each other the truth, then are they really friendships? The easiest way to learn if we are being difficult is to have someone tell us (Proverbs 27:6).

Also, we can pay attention to social cues. Look at the reactions of the people with whom you are interacting. You can usually tell by body language and tone of expression when they think you are being too much. Further, you might consider whether what you are making a big deal over is really a battle that needs to be fought. Another indicator that I am being dif fi cult is when I have trouble finding volunteers or other people to work alongside me in the work of God.

Implications of My Difficulty

Further, when I am tempted to be dif fi cult, I need to consider the implications of my actions. When I am challenging to get along with, I misrepresent Jesus to a watching world and the people of God. Like it

or not, ministry is a leadership position, and people will see our behavior as a model. When we are challenging to get along with, we tell those we influence that it is okay to follow Jesus and be complicated. We also give the idea to the world that Jesus is difficult. Nothing could be further from the truth (Matthew 11:28-30).

Also, when I choose to be difficult, I am the very de fi nition of selfcentered. I will hold up the progress of the group by failing to cooperate. My attitude says that what matters most is what I want and need rather than the work being done. For a minister doing the work of God, that borders on the lines of blasphemy.

Preventing & Changing My Difficulty

Having seen the severe nature of being difficult, the question is, “How do I prevent and change this characteristic?” We must first live our lives constantly in prayer in the presence of God. How can one indeed be difficult thinking that the world revolves around them if they are constantly in contact with the center of all existence, the throne room of God (Revelation 4-5)? Further, it would also prove helpful to offer a quick prayer before

interacting and responding to people (Nehemiah 2:4).

Another critical practice to prevent becoming a difficult person is to constantly take self-inventory (James 1:22-25). Review your interactions with people throughout that day, beginning with your family. Then, consider your behavior toward people on the road, in restaurants, and at church. Would they say that you were being difficult? Answering these questions seriously and contemplating the changes that need to be made is essential.

If, after examination, you have found yourself to be a difficult person and you are seeking to change, remember that God has never stopped loving you and will command all of the resources of Heaven to help you conform to the image of Jesus (Romans 8:29). In this process of change, there can be no excuses. Excusing bad behavior is what led to the current problem.

Next, you must learn to value people (Mark 12:31). You will never meet or interact with someone for whom Christ did not die or love. Treat them with the same love that God treats them. Finally, to change from being a difficult person, we must preach the

gospel to ourselves every day of our lives (1 Timothy 1:15). The gospel reminds us that we are worse in our sinfulness than we would care to consider but loved beyond our wildest imaginations. This security gives us the boldness to change without being driven to despair. Further, it will cause us to see our

sinfulness and the forgiveness that may be found.

Ultimately, we are all difficult in our own ways. But the gospel can transform us and, in turn, make us more patient with difficult people, even perhaps the most dif fi cult person of all, myself.

September 18-19

IS RATHER DEPRESSIVE

Ben Hayes, benlhayes@yahoo.com

I come from the old school of preaching where I like to meet and greet folks in the back of the auditorium or in the foyer after services are over. For the most part I enjoy speaking to the men and women and children who have chosen to worship and fellowship with our congregation or whatever pulpit I happen to be visiting that particular service. Granted, there can be some personal encouragement that comes from the compliments one receives during that time, but it is more just to make sure everyone knows that I was happy to see them.

If you have preached long enough, however, you will know the pitfall of these meet or greet sessions. These are also the moments that you are most vulnerable to the not-so-sweet comments that might come your way. I have, on more than a few occasions, endured a pretty severe tongue-lashing from someone about something they were unhappy about. I’ve also been hit with the more subtle passive aggressive comments. Don’t get me wrong, these don’t just happen after the services, but after services are just the easy target times when it seems to happen the most.

Those comments may begin with a simple phrase like “Don’t take this the wrong way but…” or “no offense but…” or even “I just wish you would….” Some statements made can cut even more so. “Keep it up and you will make a great preacher one day.” But it is not just the direct comments. Passive aggressiveness can manifest itself in jokes, sarcasm, gossip, scorekeeping, and other ways.

One thing that I think we can all agree on in ministry is that we often get to see people at their best and at their worst. In doing so, we also encounter their best and worst communication skills. As leaders, we can often become discouraged and depressed easily by these situations and begin to experience burnout as a result. While I cannot tell you a foolproof way of dealing with every one of those moments, I would like to offer some suggestions that I have found helpful in my ministry through the years.

Assume the Best

While I know not everyone has my interest at heart, I try to go into every situation with the mindset that they do. “We be brethren” is a statement that dates back to the con fl ict

between Abraham and Lot and their herdsmen (Genesis 13:8). I like to assume that my brothers and sisters have my best interest in view as I attempt to do with them. We are told to take our concerns to one another (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15) yet some people struggle with communication skills more than others. So in an attempt to go to someone with a concern they come across in the wrong way unintentionally. I try to give grace because I recognize that I may need it in return some day.

Adjust Your Thinking

This one is very similar but I’ve also noticed on more than one occasion that when people come at me about certain things, it is less about me or what I’m doing, and more about the situations that they currently find themselves in. For instance, they may be going through a tough time at work or in the home, and they find that I’m the safest outlet for the frustration. While their comments are not the best case scenario for me and my preacher feelings, it helps me be less frustrated when I consider that they may be in a time of crisis and that I’m considered a safe enough place for them to bring those frustrations.

Wounded or sick pets will often bite at their owners. Not out of hatred but because they are suffering and the owner is the only outlet. In the same way, hurt people will hurt people. And as mentioned before, we often get the brunt. So adjust your thinking to not take it personal, even if it came from a place of hurt. I’ve had several situations where they came back at a later time and apologized or said something very positive to me.

And even when they didn’t have my best interest at heart and really did blame me for something, it also helps to step back and ask myself if it was something I could do anything about? Did I create or complicate this situation or can I change anything about it? If not, then I may just have to let that one go and realize that they likely don’t represent every mindset at the place I’m working.

Acknowledge their Needs

So, even when the conversation starts with one of those signature passive aggressive phrases, I try to hang in there and listen attentively. It may take all of my being not to let my jaw hit the floor or to not walk away, but I do my best to hear the concern or the thought. Listening is

one thing, but acknowledging what they are really saying is another. Here is where the key comes in. Often times they might not even understand how it came across so giving a little reflection of their statement—not in a harsh or critical way—might help clarify the concern or the need.

For instance, someone comes to you speaking about the visiting preacher: “I love hearing him preach because I go away encouraged every time. I wish we got that kind of preaching all the time.” You may be tempted to think “well what is my preaching like, chopped liver?” You may also want to walk away and stew about it for the next few days without saying anything. First, I am going to assume they weren’t making a slight against me and think about what all I know they may be going through at the moment and simply say, “I sure love to hear that kind of preaching to. Are there some ways that I might do better in this area or some topics I might preach on that would encourage you?” We all need to grow and learn and constructive criticism may be needed. But you also may be helping teach them how to directly say what they mean.

Address Their Concerns

The way we handle others and the concerns that they have may be just as powerful or even more effective in our ministry as the sermons we preach. We lead in ministry not just in word but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18). The way we handle negativity toward us, the church, and our fellow leaders can make a lasting impact on those we serve. So if I say I’m going to address something they bring to me, I do my best to address it.

Of course, sometimes I don’t see it as a concern, nor see a way that we might do it better. In those situations I think it is fair to ask them to help come up with a plan to change the atmosphere or help solve the problem. Sometimes they do. Other times the problem seems to have been miraculously been resolved after they express their concerns once or twice. And yes, that last sentence was my passive aggressive sarcasm saying that the problem was big enough to burden me with it but suddenly seemed to be of little concern when they were asked to handle it.

SCENARIO ONE: He had been a member of the congregation for over 40 years, his brother-in-law was an elder. Each week he would “hold court” in the foyer before services criticizing the preacher, song leader, elders, decisions, and directions. His name and the ripple effects of harm he continually caused with this “off the cuff sniper shots,” were often discussed in elders meetings as they attempted damage control and correction. One evening his brotherin-law had had all he could stand. He left the elders meeting went to

How’s They Get This Way? Understanding THEM

the foyer and confronted his loosetongued brother-in-law. “Do you know how much damage you have caused? Do you know that you are the biggest problem this church has? Do you know it has gotten so bad that when a troublesome matter comes before the elders they now just assume you are the source of the gossip, mis-information, or criticism? This has to stop?” Bruce was visibly moved. Tears welled up in his 70 plus year old eyes. “I never knew…I never realized…I love the church, this is my family.” That very night he

Dale Jenkins, dale@edge.net

responded to the invitation and he was a changed man.”

SCENARIO TWO: Ten years later. Another congregation. This brother would sit in the lobby with arms folded and served as a “sorry” welcomer to any quests. He would grill them on why they were they. He would fuss at them if they were late. He would run down “the Sanhedrin,” the name he used to refer to the elders of the congregation. A gentle and kind elder went to him after one exceptionally hurtful episode and confronted him. The elder begged him to change, told him of the harm he was causing, let him know he was intimidating guests. He too responded - but not by being moved to repent or walking down the aisle and making things right. His response: The next Sunday he showed up with a personalized nametape with the words “The Intimidator” on it.

I tell both true stories because you need to know that when a person is difficult it is rarely because of something you have done. And because, you may do everything right, both elders did, and with great compassion, but the results may

depend on the other persons heart as much as your approach.

Rare is the preacher (I can name 2 over 40+ years) who does not acknowledge that there are some people with whom it can be difficult to deal. And, if we were to bring Peter, Paul, James, Jude, Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John to the mic they could each tell us of those who were “difficult” to deal with. And while the easy out is to focus on them and let their difficult ways dominate our thoughts, depress our spirits, and make difficult our ministry. While we may allow them to cause our blood pressure to go up and our joy meter to be depleted, it might be worth our time to learn a little more about them. Because, monster they may seem, something made them this way.

While the phrase is often attributed to a well known California preacher, the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people,” can be traced to a speaker at a Junior High School Parent Teacher Meeting in 1959. Regardless of it’s origin, it does ring with truth. So, after and beyond the pain they have inflicted on you it would be worth your time to find out what has led them to being the difficult person they have become. Because, two

things are probably evident. One, they did not purposely become a person who rains on everyones parade, and two, you are not the first minister they have hurt. Why not see this as an opportunity to do two things. One, help them, and two bless future ministers and the church by helping them.

Here are a few things that may aid you as you try to aid them:

1. Listen to them: Take the time to actually hear what they are saying and examine it. It may be they have a point.

2. Let them tell you their story: In hearing it you may learn of something that is the original source of their hurt. You may learn of a misunderstanding. You may learn of a past minister who mistreated them. In listening to one middle-aged women, I learned that her father had been abusive and she had developed a distrust of all men. Understanding another’s story helps me be more understanding of their actions.

given up on them. It may take time, but if you can help them, that is time well-invested for the Kingdom.

4. If possible invite them to serve in a meaningful way: Sometimes difficult people got that way because they felt left out, overlooked, or not a part of the work.

5. Confront them: As with Bruce, mentioned above (by they way, that’s obviously not his real name), they may not be aware of the conflict they are causing.

6. Seek advice from others who know them well.

Each of these are fraught with dangers and potential pitfalls and should be considered carefully before trying them. Ultimately remember that they are a child of the Lord, even if a wayward one, and are valuable. May God bless you for the effort.

3. Be patient with them: Often hurt people have had people who have walked out on them or