On Preaching and Ministry presented by The Jenkins Institute
“In every pew sits a broken heart.” I’m not sure said that first but it was long before Ruth Graham’s book by that title. It may have been Jesus who said: “In the world, you will have tribulation” or Paul who said: “All who live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer…” Regardless, experience teaches us it’s true. And this time of year as everything seems to speed up around us, as pressures seem more manifest, as schedules seem more hectic, some seem to experienced heightened heartache. As you strive to emulate Christ and minister to those around us who might be hurting we offer this edition of ON. In this issue of ON Preaching & Ministry, we encircle the subject of helping the hurting from a wide variety vantage points. A key feature this issue is the interview with Ron and Don Williams authors of a number of books on grief and grieving with others. We hope some of these tools will enhance your ministry and that you will add some skills or garner some ideas that help you be more effective in helping those who hurt. Our prayer is always that ON Preaching & Ministry will be helpful to the men who have committed their life to working for the Lord. May God continue to bless each of you in everything you do for Him. If this is your first encounter with TJI or ON and you’d like a free subscription send your email address to TJI@TheJenkinsInstitute.com - from The Editors, Jeff and Dale TheJenkinsInstitute@gmail.com
The Holidays & the Hurting by Jeff Jenkins, jeffajenkins@gmail.com
Our mother loved the Christmas holidays. She loved the decorations, she LOVED the shopping, she loved seeing her children and grandchildren open their gifts. She loved the cooking, she loved the baking, and she loved having the whole family together for the meals. Mom loved everything about the holidays. She was like a child in the ways she embraced this time of year. Her love for the holidays was infectious. She made everyone around her love the holidays as well. Perhaps it was appropriate that we buried her on Christmas Eve. My suspicion is that losing her during this time of year forever changed the way that at least some of us would look at this season. It has never been quite the same or quite as enjoyable without her. The holidays can be a challenging season for anyone who feels alone and may be missing their own parents, siblings, children, or friends who are either no longer living or do not live nearby anymore. Dr. Paul Myer of the Minirth Myer Clinic explains one of the causes of these challenges. “The holidays are a time when you think more about your family. If you come from a dysfunctional family, the holidays remind you of past abuses you haven't forgiven. You remember things that caused the anger in your life. It is important for us to be able to look for signs in those we love who might be suffering with holiday depression. What are some of those signs that suggest someone is hurting deeply during this season of the year and what steps can we take to help? First, we should understand the difference between Holiday blues and a more serious form of prolonged depression. Anyone can occasionally get the blues from the added stress that occurs in our families during the holidays. However, for others the holidays can be a season of agonizing weeks of insecurity and unhappiness. This type of prolonged suffering has been designated Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). For this type of clinical depression, there is often nowhere to turn for relief, not even to family and friends. The feeling is, “No one understands.”
When Seasonal Affective Disorder sets in, it causes one to persistently feel sad or "empty," suffering from loss of energy, sleep disturbances, feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or excessive negativity; people may become overly irritable or isolated during the holidays. What can those of us who serve as ministers do to help those we love to survive the holidays? REDUCE STRESS. We should do all that can possibly be done to reduce stress during this season will help. Many people feel the pressure of buying expensive gifts that they can’t possibly afford. Someone said that one definition of Christmas is “spending money you don’t have, to buy gifts that they won’t really love, for people you don’t really care about that much.” That might be stretching just a little, but it is at least partially true. Another way to reduce stress would be to not demand that we have elaborate parties and gatherings throughout the season. Stress can be relieved by keeping things simple. The season of Thanksgiving and Christmas should be a time when we are allowed to rest our bodies and minds as much as possible. Demanding more work can tax those who suffer from depression during the holidays. Consider arranging time to relax and just chill out with people that we love. Our brother Paul touched on this and gave us the result that occurs when we handle our attitudes correctly. “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:5-7). RECOGNIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE REACTS TO LOSS IN THE SAME WAY. The loss could be someone who has passed away, the loss of a job or reduced income, the loss of friends or family due to geographical or even spiritual separation. A close friend of mine lost his mother the same year that we lost ours, during the holiday season. We have talked about it often through the years and prayerfully in a way that has encourage both of us. One of our discussions was concerning how our Dad’s handled the loss of their wife. When my mother passed away, our Dad wanted the bedroom changed out
and all of her belongings out of the room before he went to bed that night. The reminders would be too overwhelming for him. My friend’s Dad reacted in a completely opposite manner. He didn’t want anything in the house touched. He left the Christmas tree standing and all of his wife’s belongings exactly as they were the day she passed for a long time. This is not to say that one of these reactions is correct and the other was wrong. In fact, they were both correct, because that is what the one who had lived with his wife the longest, needed and wanted during this time. The point is, that everyone reacts to loss differently and we should allow each individual the freedom to react is whatever way helps them the most. REACH OUT TO THOSE WHO ARE HURTING. It may be a simple phone call or note. It might need to be a personal visit. We should make a list of those we know who might be alone during the holidays and enlist the help of others as we reach out to them. See if they have any special needs or jobs we can help them with during this time. We don’t always know what each person needs, but we do know that no one should be alone and that everyone needs to know that there are people who love them. REMEMBER TO SPEND TIME IN PRAYER. During the holidays, because so many people are hurting and the hurts feels more intense, we should amp up our prayer life. Keep a list of those who need prayer and let them know that we are praying fervently for them. Prayer is a great gift from God for all of us and we also know that prayer when offered by Godly people will work. Let us never forget the words of our brother James, “The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (James 5:16). This article certainly doesn’t contain all the answers, but our prayer is that these thoughts will be a source of encouragement to those of us understand that at least part of our work is to encourage those among us who are hurting. May God bless you as you bless the people you love.
Ministering to Ministers by Steve Norris, bstevenorris@gmail.com
Sometimes the only voice he hears… Try doing therapy on a therapist. They smell you coming. I know; I have both a daughter and a son-in-law who are therapists. Maybe the toughest call is recognizing when they’re doing a little therapy on you—I often wonder. Try ministering to a minister, the odds of going undetected are about the same. I have wondered at times if maybe the Lord put deacons in the church purely for the personal amusement of us preachers. When folks question my gray hair, I quickly blame the two D’s: Daughters and Deacons. They’re such easy targets so often. The payback is that Paul often uses the same word to describe and define both groups. Maybe we should get together and form a support group. Like the deacons, we too are in the business of serving. Those who serve are susceptible to burn-out and blow-out. All who serve are subject to neglect and abuse. We live by the proclamation of Jesus, “For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve” (Mark 10:45). But, the reality remains—those who serve also need, at times, to be served. Jesus himself received ministry from angels at the conclusion of the temptation in the wilderness (Matthew 4:11). Those who minister need ministering! But where does a minister go to receive ministry? Maybe our churches need a deacon in charge of ministering to the ministers. We tell preachers to read to stay current and fresh and to keep the well from running dry. But more than that, books can minister. In most any collegiate program, the most noticeable difference between undergraduate and graduate studies is the preponderance of reading assignments. Somewhere someone observed that books are great teachers. In an average week for many a preacher, a book is the only teaching word he receives that was not his own voice. Books minister! I love to hear good preaching. Going on forty years as a preacher, a good sermon ministers to me as much as anyone who warms a pew on a Sunday morning. I hear
a sermon and walk away with two—neither being the one just delivered. Sermons minister to me. It is a habit now more than ever to listen to online sermons of preachers I love and respect. I’m not scavenging for sermon material, but rather for edification and refreshment. It feels like I got a Sunday off to visit. Preachers are often hyper-critical of other preachers. I suppose it is an occupational hazard. We do too much comparing ourselves with one another. Paul said this is not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12). Other ministers should be the minister’s closest ally, yet they often are seen simply as the competition. No one understands the preacher as well as another preacher. We teach kids playing sports the importance to positive self-talk. Three years ago my grandson broke his arm playing with some other boys at church. All the way to the hospital he alternated between telling me how bad it hurt and telling himself, “Don’t think about it, and it won’t hurt.” Self-talk is helpful and hardly an option; we all do it. But when spiritual self-talk is all the spiritual guidance a minister takes in, that can be dangerous. Self-talk can easily become self-deception and selfloathing if it goes unchecked. Paul warns, “Let no one deceive himself” (1 Corinthians 3:18). Preachers need a voice other than their own—we need advisors and mentors. Ministers need ministers—and they’re hard to find for us. Let’s go back to the therapist for a few lines. My son-in-law occasionally reminds me that I’m fortunate that I’m not bound by the same code as a licensed therapist. Though our counseling should be done with professional decorum and integrity, we have freedom to deal with the truths we see in ways the therapist cannot. But, the advantage most of them have over most of us is that they are comfortable going to another therapist for their own personal needs. As a profession, we preachers are not so good at seeing, much less removing, the speck that is in our own eye (Matthew 7:4, 5). I don’t think the problem is that we don’t see our own needs and problems. I think the problem is we don’t give ourselves permission to take our focus off others and pay attention to ourselves for the time needed. When we seek the counsel of those who understand us best, we have the greatest opportunity for reflection, self-examination and significant change. I suppose we hear ourselves talk so much that we get used to the sound of our own voice. But that voice does not need to be the only voice we hear. Find another voice you can trust. Seek out an advisor, a mentor, a friend. Find a voice that is wise and helpful and uplifting.


A Community of Bereavers by Chris McCurley, cmccurley@oldhamlanechurch.com
The novelist, Somerset Maugham, wrote, “Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.” We all wish that we could follow that advice, don’t we? Death is something that most of us would rather avoid at all costs. Death, however, is no respecter of persons. Death does not leave any of us alone. Worldwide, there are approximately 56,600,000 deaths each year. That works out to about 4.7 million per month, 155,000 per day, 6,500 per hour, 107 per minute, 1.8 per second. Death is an ever-present reality in our world. As George Bernard Shaw stated, “The statistics on death are quite impressive. One out of one people die.” Death and its by-product, grief, are difficult to deal with. As a result, we fumble around in the darkness of despair searching for answers. We do our best to keep our chin up and our eyes dry. We know that Christ conquered death but, on this side of eternity, it sure seems like death is winning. It’s our difficulty in dealing with death that causes us to say and do some things that are meant to help the hurting, but end up only doing harm. For instance, in an attempt to provide comfort, some try to “intellectualize” the feelings of the one who is grieving. Some informal studies show that most of the advice grieving people receive implies that they should not feel the way they are feeling. This is reflected in statements like: “You’ve got to be strong.” “You’ve got to dry those tears, pick yourself up, and get on with your life.” These well-intended efforts often complicate the grieving process. Until you have experienced grief on a profound level, you have no idea what the other person is going through. Grief cannot be totally learned until it is experienced. It’s also a fact that everyone handles grief differently. There is not a one-size-fits-all formula. Different people grieve in different ways. Some move
forward rather easily. Others have their good days and their bad days. Some have trouble just getting through the day. Regardless of their method for dealing with grief, we have no right to tell a grieving person how they should feel. So, reminding them that time will heal all wounds, telling them to focus on their blessings, or attempting to minimize their loss is not the proper strategy. And please, by all means, do not attempt to console the grieving individual by suggesting that their loss is God’s will. How many times have you heard statements such as these: • “God needed him/her more.” • “It was just their time to go.” • “God must have needed another angel.” We do not worship a God who intentionally takes the lives of loved ones. We should never attribute the death of a loved one to a direct act of God. Why would God need a little child more than the parents? Why would God need a thirty-yearold mother more than her children? The best words of comfort are: • • • • • •
“I’m sorry for your loss.” “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you.” “I love you.” “I’m praying for you.” “I’m here for you.” “Call me if you need me.”
Of course, nothing takes the place of your presence. Visiting with the grieving is so important, especially in the days, weeks, and months following their loss. Grieving individuals need to know that they are not forgotten after the funeral. All too often we assume that once the funeral is over; once the body is laid in the ground and covered up that life returns to normal. Nothing could be further from the truth. For the grieving individual, the funeral may represent closure, but their grief is not buried with the body. There are birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special occasions, that bring the loss to the forefront. It’s encouraging for brothers and sisters to remember these special events. It’s occasions such as these that a word of
encouragement, a phone call, a card, or a visit can bring great comfort. Let’s not assume that normalcy is restored after the funeral. I don’t believe that most people are trying to say or do the wrong thing when it comes to helping the hurting. In fact, I think it’s quite the opposite. I think most people want to say something or do something, they just don’t know what to say or do. I’ve had the opportunity to experience grief repeatedly with numerous families. I’ve seen family members and family friends who try to be the “Grief Coach.” They take it upon themselves to try and rally the troops by telling those who are grieving to just “Be strong. You can’t let this destroy you. You’ve got to suck it up and move on!” I’ve witnessed individuals, even ministers, provide unbiblical blathering and philosophical pontifications. And I’ve wanted to say, “Please stop talking. I know you’re trying to help, but you’re not.” It’s much like Job’s three friends who heard about his horrific ordeal. Chapter 2, verses 11 and following of the book of Job read: 11 Now
when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. 13 Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great (Job 2:11-13). In the beginning, Job’s friends did precisely what genuine friends should do. They came and they sat with Job. They sympathized with him and they comforted him for seven days and seven nights. They left their homes, their jobs, their families, perhaps, and came to be with their friend when Job needed them the most. Unfortunately, they couldn’t keep their mouth closed. They turned Job’s suffering into a theological debate. Imagine being in Job’s position. You just lost all ten of your children, all your earthly wealth, and your health. Your wife is no support as she bashes your faith. If that weren’t bad enough, your friends come to visit and attempt to comfort you by saying that you wouldn’t be in this predicament if you
hadn’t sinned. Their contention was that Job must have done something wrong to deserve all of this because God doesn’t do this kind of thing to innocent people. In other words, these three “friends” are accusing Job of indirectly killing his kids and causing his own sickness. Not the most comforting message for someone in Job’s situation to hear. The friends were at their best when they were simply sitting in silence. They were at their worst when they tried to make sense of Job’s suffering. The result is much the same when we say things like: • • • • •
“Don’t worry, you can have another child.” “At least you have other children.” “God never gives you more than you can handle.” “Trust in God and you won’t feel this way.” “It was his time to go.”
I know we feel like we need to say something. I know we want to say just the right thing or do just the right thing to bring peace. But the best option is to just BE THERE and LISTEN. Visit any cemetery and you can’t tell much difference between the Christians and the non-Christians. You get some idea by reading the headstones but there’s really no definitive way to tell. The dead are buried side by side, six feet underground. They are all there; all grouped together. Young and old. Male and female. Rich and poor. Famous and infamous. Churchgoers and nonbelievers. But there are some in any cemetery that died with an asset that is more valuable than any other item they could have ever possessed here on earth. It is a priceless possession that they pass on to those who are left to grieve their loss. It’s called HOPE. Hope is the difference-maker. Hope comes to those who die in Christ. Hope is something we can cling to as we grieve the loss of those who have gone on to their reward. And hope is something that allows us to smile through the tears. It allows us to rejoice in the midst of sorrow. Listen to the words of Paul: 13 But we
do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen
asleep in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words (1 Thess. 4:13-18). God cares about our grief. In His infinite wisdom, He knew that people need other people; in times of triumph and in times of tragedy. God is there for us in our most desperate hour. We need to be there for one another as well, comforting one another with these words. Reminding one another that we grieve differently. We grieve in community. We grieve with HOPE.
Ministering to Hurting People in Your Community by David Salisbury, david.salisbury@live.com
She worked the self check registers at Wal-Mart, but I went there often enough I recognized her. I also noticed she was usually a bubbly, happy person, but not today. Something was “off.� I made a point as I checked out to tell her that I hoped she had a good day. It led to a conversation about how she was waiting to find out her final grades in her college classes. She had dropped out of school and deeply disappointed her father. It had always been a sore spot in her life and now she was going back to school and was facing her first round of final exams in a few years. I told her who I was and offered to pray for her. Now every time I see her at Walmart, I get an update on her school progress and her relationship with her dad. He had just moved to town from out of state and was the CEO of a local organization. Two months after moving here, he suffered a heart attack. With no family nearby and hardly enough time to make friends, his hospital room was often empty. I visited with him regularly as part of my normal hospital visits. He didn't go to church with us, but he was hurting and alone. I couldn't help him recover from the heart attack, but I could ease the loneliness he was facing.
Joseph Parker, an English minister, said “Preach to the suffering, and you will never lack a congregation. There is a broken heart in every pew,” but the truth is there is a broken heart on every street corner as well. In the game of life, we all play hurt. Often those who are hurting are more receptive to the hope of the gospel. It gives a purpose to our pain and gives hope a foundation upon which to build, though that building may take time. A great method of reaching out to our community is to offer hope to the hurting. It requires three things from us: watchfulness, compassion, and patience. We must learn to be watchful for the hurting around us. I am a minister at a specific congregation, and much of my work is with those who are already members. But as a citizen of my community and as a minister, I minister to everyone in my “neighborhood.” This requires me to keep my eyes open. While I did notice the young lady at Walmart, I wonder how many other obviously hurting people I have walked past while I stared at my phone. Sometimes it isn't just watching for a random encounter. Sometimes we get word that a relative or friend of our church family is in the hospital or grieving. On a bad day, sometimes I wonder if I have time to go and see someone with no obvious interest in the church. But if I'm being watchful, I see an opportunity to reach out to someone in my community who is hurting and perhaps begin the process of planting some seeds that may bear fruit much later. When I am watchful, I will see people who are hurting. But seeing and acting are two different things. Once I've opened my eyes, I need to open my heart. When Jesus saw crowds of people coming to Him because they wanted Him to heal them or feed them, He had compassion on them (Matthew 9:36). He opened His heart to them. When I see someone who hurting, I can close my heart to them and assume their pain is their own fault due to their bad or sinful choices. I can wall off any heartfelt response by pointing out that I don't know these people very well. But if I'm compassionate, I will open my heart to them and hurt along with them. I will, to the best of my ability, come alongside them and walk with them in their pain. Someone has pictured compassion as stopping what I'm doing and climbing down
into the pit of pain and sadness with the other person and then getting out together. When I love my community, I'll care about the hurting. Finally, ministering to the hurting takes patience. This is a long term ministry. While a person in the hospital often appreciates a visit, they are rarely ready for a Bible study. Our watchfulness and compassion can open a door for us to reach out and study with someone later. Be willing to wait and deepen the relationship without feeling like you have to jump straight into the baptistry. As you walk alongside someone in pain, they begin to see the gospel lived out in your life. It will naturally lead them to see your faith and reflect on their own. Be willing to let that process happen and develop naturally. Then, with prayer and perseverance, watch what the Lord will do with that opportunity. While ministering to the hurting outside of our church family is not a normal part of most job descriptions, it is a vital part of truly becoming a member of our community. It demonstrates that the minister and the church care about their neighbors. It is a great way to involve more church members in ministry, too. They may gladly go with the preacher or an elder see one of their own family members or neighbors. To reach out to the hurting fulfills Paul's directive that we should “do good to all men” (Galatians 6:10). While 1 Timothy 3:7 is directed toward elders, having a good reputation with those outside is certainly a great quality of any congregation. May we, like God, be near to the broken hearted and show His love to the hurting!
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Natural Disasters: Ministering to the Hurting by Issac Bourne, isaac_bourne@yahoo.com
Hook: Natural disasters have both immediate and long-term consequences. The Great Hunger, often times referred to as the Potato Famine, lasted from 1845–1852 in Ireland. A few less potatoes would not be a big issue today: in fact, your physician might suggest that a lack of the starchy carbohydrate would be beneficial for your health. However, in 19th century Ireland the potato was the staple, and in many cases, the only nutrient part of an individual’s diet (especially the poor). The immediate results of the famine were devastating: it is estimated that between 1–1.5 million people starved to death and over 1 million Irish residents fled the country.1 The long-term effects of natural disasters and other catastrophic events are just as, if not more, impressive and influential than the immediate damage. After the famine, the tense relationship between the Irish and British intensified eventually leading to a violent rebellion and eventual independence for the Republic of Ireland. To this day in Northern Ireland (still a part of the United Kingdom), acts of terrorism are carried out by those seeking independence from British rule. Another lasting effect of the famine is the tremendous influence of the Irish in the United States. The Irish made major contributions to the language and culture and is recognized as the second largest ethnic heritage of the United States (behind German). Today the number of Irish descendants in the United States is seven times larger (35 million) than the population of Ireland (5 million). 2 Although a potato famine that took place over 150 years ago doesn’t seem to relate to the concept of ministering to those in need during a natural disaster—the point can be cleared: it emphasizes the need to address the immediate and long-term 1
Kinealy, Christine (1994), This Great Calamity, Gill & Macmillan (p. 357)
2
Sarah Kliff, “The Irish-American population is seven times larger than Ireland,” in Washington Post, March 17, 2013.
consequences of disasters. As ministers, we are called to serve people during the happiest moments in life as well as the times of great sorrow and pain. Many of us have experienced those distressing moments too often and yet realize that we will be called on again to minister to those in emotional need. However, many of us have never had to minister to the hurting in the midst of a natural disaster. Natural disasters are not as uncommon as one might assume, in fact, some have almost become a natural part of life: hurricanes, tornadoes, wildfires, and flooding across the nation are leaving numerous people in a vulnerable state of despair every year. This is only taking the continental United States into account. Natural disasters, although not uncommon, are devastating physically and emotionally: lives are lost, homes destroyed, finances jeopardized, plans foiled, and faiths tested. To minister effectively to the hurting in the midst of a natural disaster, the minister will have to address the immediate needs while also addressing spiritual needs. Clarity Exercise clarity. Being in the midst of a natural disaster is one of the most stressful situations an individual can experience, but for the minister, there is a heightened stress level: concern for his personal family, his property, the congregation and their struggles, the building, the upcoming services, how to meet the needs of the community, what organization contacts to reach out to for assistance, etc. Talk about the stresses of ministry! Ministers will need to gather their bearings and find inner peace and clarity before they can start putting clarity back into the lives of those in need. They will need to anchor themselves in the understanding of God’s word (Psalm 119:130). They will also need to fortify themselves with the peace that comes through prayer, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6–7). Without clarity, we will have no direction and will put too much strain on ourselves. If we try to do it all alone we will fail. If we pool resources, collaborate with others, and ultimately trust in God–– the load will lighten. There are tremendous resources throughout the brotherhood that specialize in disaster relief that can be used to aid and offer direction. You’ve heard the saying, “The best time to plan is before disaster strikes!” –and it’s true, it’s important to have a plan in place. Congregations need to be more proactive instead of reactive. Encourage your
elders and committees to formulate procedures and action plans (especially if you are located in an area where the likelihood of disaster is higher). Having a plan in place beforehand will be a tremendous source of clarity in the event of a disaster. Compassion Show compassion. These individuals and families are hurting. They might be frustrated, they might lash out, they might be irritable and on edge. Remember they are probably going through the largest crisis of their life: loved ones unaccounted for, homes destroyed, pets lost, assets destroyed, irreplaceable heirlooms lost. People who are hurting say and do things that are oftentimes contrary or brash to their normal speech. We need to minister to them with grace and patience. When Mary and Martha were hurting over the loss of their brother, they both reminded Jesus, on separate occasions, that if he had come when he was called by them their brother would still be alive (John 11:21,32). It seems they may have been implying “Jesus it’s your fault; if you would have come when we sent for you he would still be alive.” Jesus wasn't upset with Mary and Martha but had compassion for them and those who were with them (John 11:33–36). When people were frustrated and hurting, Jesus showed them compassion: an example for ministers-- therefore, we must do the same. Commission Fulfill the Great Commission. In the chaos of a natural disaster, we cannot lose sight of the need to minister to the spiritual demands of those that are hurting. One, meaning the natural disaster itself, has consequences for years, possibly even decades, while the other, the possible spiritual disaster, carries eternal consequences. Yes, we will need to help people find lodging, clothing, shelter, and assistance from organizations, but we have to remember that to help rebuild someone’s life without teaching them about the one who can give them an abundant life (John 10:10) is a grave disservice. We need to be serving both the immediate (physical) and long-term needs (spiritual) of those who are hurting in the wake of a natural disaster. Conclusion: Ministering to those hurting in the midst of a natural disaster is a daunting task. It demands long hours, stressful decisions, and for most is a voyage into uncharted waters. But it is also a great opportunity to minister to those in the pits of sorrow and show the love of Christ and his church to people who are in desperate need of care. In order to minister effectively to those who are afflicted by a natural disaster,
we must have clarity and compassion while we serve and expose them to the Gospel--fulfilling the commission of Christ.
Ministering to Non-Christians Who Are Hurting by Russell Wyatt, russjwyatt@gmail.com
As I was having a conversation with a local business owner that I was trying to befriend, I noticed something that bothered me. He used some language I had not heard in a while, and it was not French. More than likely he did not even notice it; however, he used some foul language that, to be honest, I had not heard in person in quite some time. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I have been shielded from this stuff for a while! It had not been since high school that I had heard this language on a regular basis so casually. I left my home in Modesto, California, went to two Christian universities for undergraduate and graduate work, worked in youth ministry for several years in Florence, Alabama, and now have been preaching for a few years in Chapel Hill, Tennessee. I’ve spent so long surrounding myself with Christians as an adult that it was more shocking to me to hear that language than it would have been when I was in my teens. It is not that I have avoided non-Christians; in fact, I have been getting even more involved in my community than ever. I just recognized that I spent so much more time around Christians that I forgot for a second what people who do not share my faith can be like. Most people who serve a local congregation full-time probably spend more time than the average person around other Christians instead of non-Christians. Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” (Mt 5:46-48, ESV) Is it not easy to greet and love only our brothers? Because of this, we more than anybody need to make a concerted effort to reach out to the non-Christians around us. How will we seek and save the lost if we isolate ourselves from the world? As we reach out into the world we will encounter many different types of people, and the reality is that many of them are hurting deep inside. The man I was conversing with had been cheated on by his wife with his best friend. He has been going through a difficult divorce losing both the woman he loved and childhood
friendship. Others are suffering just as our brothers and sisters suffer with stress, sickness, and death. We know that Jesus says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike (Mt 5:45), but so do troubles. Even so, the non-believers suffer in life like this with no real hope, unlike Christians who have a living hope (1 Pt 1:3). Ministering to those have no hope shows the value of the Gospel, and helping those who are hurting is a great evangelistic opportunity. However, there are other benefits that might be less obvious. Helping the hurting gives a good perception of the church in our local community. When the community sees us helping others who are not Christians, they have an uplifted perception of what the church is about. This reputation not only represents God well, but it opens doors that might never have been opened to preach the gospel. Doors will also be opened within your own congregation. Often the non-Christians we come into contact with are family and friends of the congregation. The impact we make on a young family when we visit their unbelieving grandparent in the hospital may never be seen. Even if we have no impact on that person, we may have had a large impact on the family. The average church-goer is deeply connected to the world around them, and it is of great value to our ministries to reach out to these connections beyond our church walls. Finally, consider the blessing it is to show and share the beauty of God’s word with others. As we already established, these people have no hope. Without Christ in their lives, what do they have? All they have is to live and to die. Everything in between is filled with mixed emotions that lack context in the natural world free from the thought of God. If we are able to bring the perspective of God into the mix, they can see the peace of God that comforts us all. They can grasp onto the hope of eternal life because of what Christ has done. They can escape the finality of death that makes the pain of this life seem so meaningless. They can experience the beauty and joy that true hope in Christ brings. Now that we understand the need to reach out in our ministries to the nonChristians, especially those who are hurting, I would like to remind you of a few things to consider when helping these people. Most of these may seem like common sense, but remember that we spend most of our time with Christians. It can be easy to forget that our spiritual encouragements might have no rapport with non-Christians.
First, consider a non-invasive approach. Not every opportunity requires us to stand on our pulpits and preach to people. They are hurting, and we need to be invited to speak to their lives first. Jesus often met the needs of those he encountered whether feeding people or healing them; we may need to meet the needs of people before we are invited to speak into their lives. Second, as always, practice your listening skills. When helping the hurting, it is always best to be an active listener. Show that you have heard and understood their problems. Sometimes a good listener is the best medicine. Imagine how we would consider Job’s friends if they had not resorted to giving advice. With that in mind, you do not have to be an authority on every subject. Being quiet and letting people express themselves can be very therapeutic. Third, remember these folks are not believers. Attempt to understand where they are in their faith before you begin talking about things in the context of God. They may have little to no understanding of God or the Scriptures. This can limit our use of language as well. For example, non-believers may have no understanding of words or phrases we use with our Christian brothers and sisters such as: grace, redemption, or salvation. Things that seem simple or obvious to us may not be to the unchurched. Finally, do not try to fix their problems; instead, create relationships. As we said earlier, strangers have to earn the right to speak into others’ lives. More than likely, we have no rapport with these people. Offering a prayer while showing empathy and respect can go a long way to building bridges that will lead to natural evangelistic opportunities as we develop relationships with them. This may also assist the members of the congregation you serve who may already be attempting to evangelize these hurting people.
 
I pray that as we all seek to let our lights shine before others that we can reflect the love of our Lord. As you encounter the lost of this world, may you have the gentleness of our Savior and help to show how He can give hope to those who have none in this world.
How To Minister to Grieving Parents by Randy Daw, randydaw@gmail.com
I chose this topic because I thought that I knew something about it. I was wrong. Parents who have lost a child shared their experiences to help me write this. It has been intense. They have given me nine consensus insights (#9 is mine alone). Here they are: 1. You will never be the same. Part of you dies with your child. The time of “moving forward” comes at different times for different people. Five years was the most common answer among the parents I asked. Some never feel better. But your life will never be the same, no matter how old your child was or the circumstances of his death. Several mentioned that grandparents are sometimes the last to heal. They are hurting both for their children and their grandchild. 2. Being there matters.
Tom wrote, “I found that people that weep with me when I weep and laugh when I laugh were the most helpful during my time of grief. There were no words that could take away the grief.” Those who have lost a child long remember those who came, and especially those who stayed.
3. Listening is best.
The greatest – and rarest – gift is to be heard. Each parent’s pain is unique. Walk beside them on the path that grief chooses for them, listening every step of the way. The time will come for every task of grief, and listening will tell you when that time has come. Annalisa wrote me only 5 days after her little Casey died. “Each person that has lost a child has a unique story …don’t generalize our loss with others: ‘At least you got to _____________ (hold him, sing to him, see him…)’ Let us share what we are thankful for rather than deciding for us.” 4. Sympathy helps; opinions don’t.
The sympathy that means the most comes from those who have walked the same dark path. But offering explanations, or even a true assurance like “at least she is in a better place,” runs ahead of the grieving parent and asks them to take a step they are not ready to take. For a newly grieving parent, the only better place is in their arms or asleep in their room. I have resolved to abandon “fixing,” and to cultivate instead the art of quiet presence. 5. Grieving parents don’t need judgment. Fifty-one years ago, Ann learned that her little boy had leukemia. A woman saw her crying at his bed and said “Don’t let him see you cry, it upsets him.” For the sake of her other children, Ann did not even cry at his funeral. She holds her grief closely even now. Nancy lost Randy eighteen years ago. She writes, “Two Thanksgivings later I just wasn’t ready to be at a family gathering. A cousin asked ‘Isn’t she over that yet?’”
Melissa wrote: “My husband and I experienced the same loss but grieved in different ways. Cut us some slack. We had to cut way back on the work we did with the church. Some days it was all we could do to make our feet cross that threshold.” Several told me that they learned to say “I’m okay, thanks,” even though their heart screamed, “How can you ask that? I’ve lost my baby, and I will never be okay again!” “Okay” is not okay with grieving parents. Those who have never endured grief’s interminable chaos should not feel free to advise or criticize – yet they often do. 6. Thoughtlessness is easy, and painful.
Sandy lost Tasha in August. As the holidays approached, more than one person thoughtlessly shared their joyful plans for family meals and events. To one she responded, “I just want to hold Tasha one more time.” The (genuinely) cheery reply was, “You’ll get to hug her in heaven!” After Pat’s only son died, a neighbor continually spoke about her grandchildren. Pat writes, “After Travis died I knew I would never have grandchildren.” It is not too much to ask for the people of God to dim their rejoicing just a bit for the sake of those who cannot stop weeping. 7. Grief can challenge your relationship with God.
Melodye recalls how important it was for friends to let her be angry with God. Without painful prayer, she would never have found reconciliation. Sandy, Ann and Nancy all told me that after many years they still wonder if their child died because of something they had done. This comes from those most thoughtless of words: “Everything happens for a reason.” Grieving parents inevitably wonder “Was I the reason?”
David wrote in Psalm 22:1 (ESV): “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?” If David could write this, and if the Lord could repeat it on the cross, then a grieving mother can ask God why He let her baby die. 8. Grief is just as intense after a miscarriage
or a stillbirth.
Melodye says: “I think miscarriage is often overlooked…. For me, it was the single most painful time in my life …. I’ll never know his face… or hear the sound of his laugh. Even after our son was born, I would rock him and sob for that baby we lost.” Matt mentions that after their daughter Macy was stillborn, the world seemed more prepared to help his wife than him. He writes: “[I needed] permission to cry – but it seldom came… because the ’two-weeks-and-move-along’ code of silence under which women suffer is even more stringent when it comes to men. Man up and get over it, ideally before the funeral starts.” Stacy endured a barrage of blind platitudes after her miscarriage: “It was meant to be.” “There must have been something wrong with it.” Or worst: “Some people aren’t meant to be parents.” Bonnie recalls women saying: “But you can have another one.” She answers, “I didn’t spill grape juice on my favorite rug, I lost my child.” Theresa explains why these words hurt so much. “They all make you feel like your child, whom you loved and held in your arms, shouldn’t have existed.” Wholesome words came from Melodye’s obstetrician:
“’Life begins at conception and so when you find out you’re pregnant, you’re already a mommy and a daddy.’ That gave permission for us to feel the depth of our pain and loss.” 9. Build the funeral around the words of those who grieve.
A funeral for a child must take into account the shock and disorientation of her parents. The family interview is indispensable. Listening to each parent will prepare you to faithfully voice their pain, their longing, and even their questions to the Lord. Remember Jeremiah 31:15 (ESV): Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted…because they are no more. The funeral usually comes too soon for even God’s words to help. This wound will not heal on command. 10.Memories from others are an enduring blessing.
Cindy wrote, “When people tell stories about Sarah, it means she still matters.” Sharon lost Grant when he was three. “Don’t be scared to mention his name. If I need to talk, share a memory, or just be still during a melancholy moment…sit with me.” “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.” – Irish Proverb ------For a full copy of these interviews, write me at randydaw@gmail.com
Ministering to Elders When They Are Hurting by Steve Bailey, s.bailey@cocbrownstreet.org
Many people may not know this, but, elders in the church hurt too. They really do. In the past, I have served as a preacher and an elder for a period of eight years. Some would say, “Son you are just a rookie…I have dress shirts and ties older than that!” That may well be true, but, I do know elders do hurt the same way members hurt. The pain of losing a loved one is just as hard for an elder. The loss of a parent is tough for any person. There is a sense of finality when both parents are deceased. I recently had an elder share with me this gem of wisdom. “When you lose one parent, then the other parent dies, the reality sets in that the only ones who know your whole story—are now dead.” Think about that…it is so true. No one knows your whole life story better than your parents. These folks called mom and dad; are the ones who cried for joy the day you were born and know more about you than anyone on the entire planet; their voice is permanently silenced. Elders have pain and heartache just like any member of The Body. The question may be asked, “So, how do I minister to an elder who is grieving?” First of all, I would shower them with love. I would say succinctly; the same way you would any member of your congregation who has suffered the loss of a family member. Shower them with love. Grief is a tough pill to swallow in our culture. As Americans, we drag our feet in the death process many times, but rush to the cemetery to get it over with so we can move on and get back to work. Other cultures in the world do it better… Americans are always in a hurry. We often times
rush to get it all done in three days and back to the “rat race” of life. Allow your elder to be “loved on” for a change, make sure they know you genuinely love and care about them. Second, try and spend some quality time with your shepherds. The one thing people criticize elders for NOT doing is spending time with the flock. Try reversing that scenario and spend quality time with the elder who is hurting. You will be surprised how much love they will feel and know how much you really care. Ask them over for a light meal and have a prayer for him and the entire family. If you have been on the receiving end of that kind of expression of sympathy and love, you know it is special indeed. Third, try not to forget that elder and his pain. Make note of the date of the death of his loved one. File that date in a phone calendar and set a reminder to call him a year later. You might say something like this: “I was thinking about you today…I know this day will conjure up all kinds of memories for you and the family. I just wanted you to know I have not forgotten, you are still loved and I care.” Fourth, be sure to speak to them at worship services. Do you know many elders are lonely? It is true. In my 43 years as a minister, I can’t tell you how many men have said something like this to me: “The day I became an elder of The Lord’s Church, my relationship changed with many of my friends in the very congregation I was installed as their shepherd. They no longer chatted me up before or after worship services, they quit going to lunch with my family and me. Soon we did not go out after Sunday night services together after I was installed as a Shepherd.” To me that is so very sad. Let’s love the ones that do a lot of the ministering to others in our congregations. Fifth, offer to go with them to other funerals. When someone dies in the congregation where you attend; offer to drive them or ride with them to the service and give them comfort and support. It is a tough thing to always be the one who gives words of encouragement and uplifting words. Six, treat an elder like you would like to be treated. The so-called “golden rule” is always in style and always the right thing to do. Jesus said in Matthew 7:12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
I am reminded from time to time that the church ought to be the leader in demonstrating and exemplifying to the world how to be empathetic and sympathetic. Let it begin in the local congregation.
Ministering to Hurting People in Times of Personal Disaster by Matthew Hiatt, happyhiatt@gmail.com
Serving the suffering is intimidating. We simply don’t have words for the family whose home is now a pile of rubble. Words never come easy beside a grieving mother in front of a casket. We struggle to find ways to be useful—or at least, to do no harm. Beyond that, personal disasters bring with them unique challenges. When a community is wiped out by a hurricane or wildfire, the community suffers together. The pain is visible, obvious, and shared. Everyone has a sense of what’s wrong and how to pick up the pieces. When a madman goes unleashes death on a church or a movie theater of innocents, we are outraged together and mourn together. Our pain is public and identifiable. Personal tragedy is a different kind of animal. Personal disasters rarely make the news. Instead of rallying the community, they isolate us. They come in all shapes and sizes. A family’s sole breadwinner loses his job and the finances are stretched past the breaking point. Secret sin holds a teenager firmly in its grasp and her parents don’t know what to do. The stress of infertility pushes a couple into doubt and despair. The husband begins an affair. A bad business decision leads to bankruptcy. Personal disasters are personal, often private until the consequences push it into the spotlight. How can we help when disaster strikes? What would you do if you were relaxing on the beach when you noticed someone drowning in the waves? You would either help or get help. We understand this at the ocean, but sometimes when we face personal disasters, we are so intimidated by the circumstances, that we do nothing. We are called to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 5:2) by “snatching them out of the fire” or “showing them mercy” (Jude 22-23). Never forget that we serve a Lord who would leave the ninetynine in search of the one. I would rather err by trying than by sitting.
Let’s go back to the beach. What specifically would you do? If you couldn’t swim, you’d call for a lifeguard. Rushing in only serves to make a bad situation worse. Some personal disasters are simply beyond our abilities. Too many ministers have overestimated their own abilities. If you’re dealing with an addict, find a great therapist who knows addiction. Better yet—find one who has experienced it and is triumphing in Christ! Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t. Find resources— therapists, doctors, law enforcement, financial advisors, lawyers, social workers, support groups, non-profit organizations—who know how to help. The person who dials 9-1-1 saves a life just as much as the person who administers CPR. You see this pattern in scripture. Paul planted, and Apollos watered (1 Corinthians 3:6). Jesus himself sent the disciples in pairs of two (Luke 10:1, Mark 6:7). A bad situation will get worse if we don’t get good help. Good partners make for better outcomes. Don’t be hesitant to get help. Don’t lecture; help! Imagine a lifeguard who identifies a drowning person and begins to shout out, “You should really have learned how to swim! I told you this water was dangerous!” While the lifeguard’s words are truth, they certainly aren’t life. We need to think about how we intervene. Personal disaster is almost never a time for a lecture. If anyone had the right to say, “I told you so,” it would have been Jesus. He resisted the temptation, so we should, too. A good lifeguard doesn’t yell swimming instructions, either. He jumps into the water, and he brings the victim to safety. Isn’t that what Jesus did? He became flesh and dwelt among us. He who knew no sin, became sin for our sake. He is the good shepherd who jumped into the mess and rescued the sheep. It’s hard to save a drowning person while you’re lying on the beach. Sometimes ministry calls us to wade into murky waters and carry a person for a while. We carry them with our prayers, our presence, and our patience. Do listen and love. We often try to reason our way out of emotional problems—but this can’t work. (Can you wish your way out of a financial problem? Can you eat your way out of a math problem? You can’t logic your way out of a feeling problem, either!) Job and his friends tried to analyze a supernatural disaster. It just isn’t possible! The more they said, the less helpful they became. Sometimes people just need to know that you hurt with them and for them. It’s worth nothing that laments are the largest category of the Psalms (approximately 40%). These songs express a mixture of hope, frustration, anger, and confusion. “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” is biblical advice! We deal with great theological
questions and better life choices after the immediate crisis, once we’ve arrived in a place of relative calm. Do prioritize. During a crisis, we must prioritize the problems. Emergency room nurses understand triage. Some problems must be dealt with immediately—or the patient won’t be around long enough to deal with the others. Space Shuttle Commander Chris Hadfield said that astronauts were taught to ask, “What’s the next thing that’s going to kill me?” The lifeguard won’t take time to apply sunscreen to the drowning victim until he’s been checked out. Our interventions must focus on immediate needs and then long-term needs. We recognize that a problem that took a long time to get into will take a long time to get out of. We don’t expect immediate change. We are patient. Ministry during a personal disaster is intimidating, but it is incredibly rewarding. Don’t be afraid to do your best, get some help, and love people all that you can. When we walk with the suffering, we walk on sacred ground. We are walking where Jesus walked.
A T.J.I.
Helping The Hurting 7 Questions with Ron and Don Williams This month we were able to catch up with two of our favorite twins. Don and Ron Williams and our families’ friendship pre-date our birth. We love these two guys and their compassion and kindness. They have done so much to help ministers learn how to minister to others. We are sure you’ll profit from this conversation. You can find their books at http://www.rondonbooks.com/. If you don’t have a supply of them on hand, we recommend you get some and then share them with others. TJI: What are some statements that should definitely not be said to people who are hurting? DON: Should statements are not helpful-"you should be over that by now..you should not feel that way... you should be strong for_____." RON: I know how you must feel this time of year. Just stay busy; that will take care of your grief. And what Don said, Remember, people are watching you, so be strong for ____________. TJI: Are there things we do, inadvertently, that we could avoid that might contribute to it?
RON: Churches need to avoid having "couples only" holiday parties. It validates singles and widow(er)s aloneness too much. I think that a lesson or lessons could be preached this time of the year to suggest feelings that grieving folks have that we could help with. DON: We often use platitudes that tend to minimize their feelings:�God will not give you what you cannot handle" or "I am sure things will get better soon.� How do we know that? Why would we be sure of something like that? TJI: So, why do you think people experience more depression over the holidays? DON: Holidays are synonymous with friends, family, food and fellowship, yet some friends may not understand or may even avoid you during this time. You have lost family members and the "empty chair" speaks long and loud. You may get sick at the thought of eating and the festive holidays are foreign to your thinking-with everyone else seemingly "merry and bright" it makes your sadness even more so. RON: Yep , everyone and everything is light, fun, and jolly while grieving folks are tunnel visioned on their loss that is being reminded to them in so many ways during the holiday season. Depression..I don't feel good. The world does not look like it is any good. I am afraid that it will be this way forever---recipe for depression TJI: What are some things you have seen done by congregations that have been helpful to those grieving this time of year? RON: At Lincoln, we are having an "in house only" one day grief seminar after our PM service for two groups: Those who are grieving a loss and those who want to help others who are grieving a loss. We have been announcing it over and over which says to our folks, the elders care about me and this congregation cares about me at this time of the year. Another idea would be for congregations to buy gift cards for widows(er)s from Walmart so they use as they see fit. Gift baskets or gift cards or such just to lighten their moods this time of year. DON: Have elderships write the grieving members and let them know you are thinking and praying for them this season. Give monetary gifts in memory of their loved ones to an organization they or their loved one believed in. Invite them to activities and parties and give them the privilege of coming late and leaving early if they need to. TJI: Is there anything you have seen ministers to do reach out to hurting hearts this time of year?
DON: Ministers can try to feel as they feel and give them their number and ask them to call if they want to talk this holiday season. A letter from him saying he is praying means much. RON: Nothing takes the place of your visits with them at this time of year. Suggest teams of caring folks go to them and check on them during the holidays. And, I agree with Don, send a letter acknowledging the loss they have suffered this year and your prayers for them (or whatever else you want to offer them). TJI: Are there any suggestions on how to keep up with or identify those who might be hurting over the holidays? What should we watch for? RON: Have church staff meeting in September wherein all those who have lost loved ones within the congregation or in their family unit are identified. Assign caring teams to focus on them from Thanksgiving to beginning of the new year with cards, calls, visits, inclusion in holiday meals, social events within the congregation. Let those grieving folks know that it is ok for them to say no or maybe at this time or a raincheck is fine but you want them to be a part of some functions. DON: Do not talk of Christmas cheer and your family getting together around them: these are painful reminders of what they do not have. Invite a widow to your home for Thanksgiving or Christmas if they do not have anyone to be with TJI: What are some resources you'd recommend that we can share with those dealing with holiday depression? DON: We wrote our books in hopes that they might help folks who are grieving. Of course, the Proverbs and Psalms are especially helpful to people in grief. RON: Stephen Ministries has a neat 4 times within the first year of grief that can be sent to them. Offer a seminar on Holidays and Grief whereby you do at least three things: Validate their feelings at this time of year, Expressing to them that the elders really care for them and three, That their loved ones will not be forgotten by the church as you offer this workshop or seminar or special program for them at this of the year. DON: I’d like to add this. Let them know they can feel what they feel. Change your “shoulds” to “wants.” If you want to go on a trip during Xmas do so-do not be afraid to change traditions-you can go back to them when they are less painful. Invite family and friends and ask them to bring a dish and a favorite story of your
deceased loved one-"grieving people are not going to forget their loved ones but they are afraid others are!” Help reassure them you won’t…then don’t.
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