ASK THE RABBI

SHOULD MY RELIGIOUS PAST DEFINE ME?

Dear Rabbi

I was raised in a strictly Orthodox home. I would be yelled at whenever I wasn’t doing something right. If I didn’t wake up for shul in the morning I would get into trouble with my father. If I wasn’t ready in time for Shabbat, it was my mother’s turn to yell at me. I am now twenty-five, out there in the world and I am really struggling with my Jewish observance. I will always identify as a proud Jew but I feel that my observance has been tainted by the way I was forced into everything. This has been on my mind and I don’t know what it is I am hoping to hear from you but I thought I would share my experience and maybe you can shed some insight. I am sure I am not the only one with this experience.

Sender

Dear Sender

Reading your name I am reminded of someone who shares a somewhat similar name.

Sundar Pichai, is 51 years old. He’s also the CEO of Google, today otherwise known as Alphabet. He once gave a business presentation, where he related the following incident which he witnessed:

“At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic-stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away, but… it landed on another lady in the group. Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behaviour? If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos. How?

And then I realized: It was not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed them so deeply.

I realized that it is not the shouting of my father, or my boss, or my spouse that disturbs me, but it’s my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me. More than the problem, it’s my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

I understood,” he said, “that I should not react in life. I should always respond. The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.”

I think that’s your answer. You are reacting to an experience endured over so many years and especially your formative years. But you’re a grown man now, soon to start your own family. So, rather than react –respond. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are well thought out, in order to save a situation from getting out of hand, and to avoid taking decisions in stress or anger.

MUST I RESPECT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW?

Dear Rabbi

I find myself in constant disagreement with my mother-inlaw. I think she’s interfering and I am only concerned that one day things will get out of hand and that could have consequences for my own marriage and family. I know we are supposed to respect parents regardless. But to what extent does that apply to in-laws?

Raquel

Dear Raquel

Mothers-in-law: You can’t live with them; you can’t live with them. (That was a deliberate mistake). In Jewish tradition, dealing with challenging relationships, requires patience and understanding. Here are some principles from Jewish law that can guide your approach: Respect for Parents: The Torah emphasizes the importance of honouring and respecting parents. This extends to in-laws as well. Even if you don’t like your mother-in-law, you should still strive to treat her with respect and dignity.

Shalom Bayit (Peace in the Home): Maintaining peace and harmony in the home is a central value in Judaism. Strive to create a peaceful atmosphere by avoiding unnecessary conflicts or arguments.

Communication: Open and respectful communication is vital in any relationship. If there are issues or disagreements, try to address them calmly and rationally. Avoid speaking negatively about your motherin-law to others, as it can further exacerbate the situation.

Set Boundaries: If there are specific behaviours that you find difficult to handle, consider setting healthy boundaries while still maintaining respect. Discuss these boundaries with your spouse so that you are on the same page.

Seeking Guidance: If you find it challenging to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law, consider seeking guidance from a qualified counsellor. They can provide valuable advice and support.

Self-Reflection: Take time for introspection and self-reflection. Consider if there are any personal biases or preconceived notions that might be contributing to your feelings towards your mother-in-law. Working on yourself can improve your perspective on the situation.

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