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HOW DARE YOU?

Dear Rabbi Schochet;

I am utterly appalled at the ‘advice’ you gave ‘Andrew’ re: Wanted: Orthodox Rabbi for Non- Orthodox wedding. You replied ‘the best advice I can give is - dump her ‘.

If that is your best advice then sorry to sound rude but I would perhaps think you are not a wise person and should not be dishing out advice to anyone! Now imagine being on the receiving end of your advice. While I am not suggesting words should be sugar coated I would suggest you remember words can be weapons.

Your ‘advice’ to ‘Andrew’ will either push him away from Judaism or towards her more or push him into mental anguish. Do you know this person? Do you know if he is in fragile mental health?

For the record, I married out. It was not exactly what I wanted. However I never met The Jewish One. I met Jewish Men who dumped me as I would not sleep with them before marriage. I met Jewish Men who dumped me because I am not religious enough. In the meantime the clock was going tic-tok. To cut a long story short I wanted to be a mother but not a single mother. As it turned out I had spent years not realising I had cancer before I even met my now husband and I will never be a mother. It was only found after I had it for 5 years.

Now there are all sorts of arguments and debates we could have on The Topic of Marrying Out but what I wish to stress to you is think before you advise. You didn’t take a moment to explain why it wouldn’t be possible for an Orthodox Rabbi to marry them. (You managed to write a lot about Jewish view on assisted suicide though!!)

‘Dump her’ is frankly lazy advice. So your advice either pushed him further to her or to a mental breakdown. I would not like that on my conscience.

Mel

Dear Mel

I didn’t have to wait to get up to the part where you mention being married out, before realising that you were married out. I wouldn’t expect anything different from you. I appreciate you were triggered by what I wrote as it spoke to you personally. I am sorry about your cancer and hope that you are completely healed now. I also fail to see the relevance in your mentioning it in the context of this discussion if only to perhaps to play on emotions. To be sure, facts don’t care about emotions. The fact is that a Jew marrying out is wrong and there is no debate to be had on the matter, much as you obviously think otherwise. To be sure, I did think before I responded. Three times over. And that was the most sensible and impacting approach I came up with. Would it have made you happier if I would have been nicer and rather than “dump her” I would have said, “kindly extricate yourself from her life.” I doubt it.

I didn’t bother explaining to him the “why” because it must be obvious to him why he can’t have an Orthodox Rabbi, just as it was obvious to you and anyone else with an iota of sense. I definitely do not know the person, but he does know me if only because he obviously reads my column. And knowing me he would know that writing to me, an Orthodox Rabbi, asking for advice on how to get an Orthodox Rabbi to rubberstamp a sham marriage, well he should have, would have anticipated nothing less. Wishing you only the best of health in your future.

WHY BOTHER?

Dear Rabbi

Job said, “Man was born to toil.” Why must we toil in this world rather than G-d looking after it and taking care of it? It requires much less effort on His part.

Ronda

Dear Ronda

A story is told about a small synagogue in town, which had a garden that had become completely overgrown. Years of neglect had turned it into a jungle of bushes, and weeds. Among the members of the congregation was a man who was quite a talented gardener. The sight of the overgrowth bothered him so he finally decided to do something about it. He put on his gardening gloves and began pulling weeds, removing bushes, tilled the earth, planted grass, transplanted flowers, and over several days, the garden started to look really lovely. He worked up to the last minute before Friday services, and was on his hands and knees in the garden, finishing up, as the Rabbi walked by. Looking around appreciably, the Rabbi said “My word isn’t it amazing what man can accomplish with the help from G-d!” The gardener stood up, brushed of his hands, and responded. “With all due respect, Rabbi, you should have seen this place when G-d had it all to Himself!”

Obviously, the gardener was trying to point out that it was his actions that brought about the beauty before them. And, just as obviously, the Rabbi was trying to point out that without G-d to cause seeds to germinate, grass to grow, flowers to sprout, and beautiful colours to come forth, all of the work the gardener had done would have been for naught.

This is the concept of what we call in Jewish philosophy, hishtadlut - loosely translated as “requisite effort.” Throughout the course of history, G-d effectively demanded of mankind hishtadlut. Already at the beginning of time we are told that G-d created the world but then sent man out into it to work it and safeguard it. G-d’s instruction to Abraham was to leave his birthplace and step out into the world, to transform it. When the Jews experienced their Exodus, G-d commanded that they travel into the Sea before He split it. G-d will do “His job” as long as we do “our job.”

This responsibility of hishtadlut extends itself to every sphere of living. You want G-d to keep you healthy, that’s fine. But you have to keep yourself fit as well. You want G-d to provide for you, that’s OK. But you have to go out and earn a living. You want G-d to give you nachas from your children, that’s perfectly acceptable. But you have to be willing and prepared to invest time and values into their lives. You want your relationships to work, you have to make it happen. How much hishtadlut one is required to do can already be a matter of debate. But what is not up for debate is that whatever hishtadlut entails, one is obligated to do and invest oneself.

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Pirkei Avot

Refuah sheleima for Libbie bat Chaya Lea Rachel Perek 4: Mishna 17

םיִבוֹט םיִשֲׂעַמוּ הָבוּשְׁתִבּ תַחַא הָעָשׁ הָפָי ,רֵמוֹא הָיָה אוּה לֶשׁ תַחַא הָעָשׁ הָפָיְו .אָבַּה םָלוֹעָה יֵיַּח לָכִּמ ,הֶזַּה םָלוֹעָבּ … םָלוֹעָה יֵיַּח לָכִּמ ,אָבַּה םָלוֹעָבּ ַחוּר תַרוֹק

He used to say: more precious is one hour in repentance and good deeds in this world, than all the life of the world to come; And more precious is one hour of the tranquility of the world to come, than all the life of this …

A few of the commentators wonder why repentance is linked to time, what the connection is? One answer given by the Bartenura is that once a person has died, repentance and good deeds are too late, as the purpose of the next world is primarily to enjoy the fruits of our labour; it’s olam hazeh where we must perform good deeds and repent. We saw two weeks ago how this world is but a corridor to the next world. This world is where we prepare for olam haba, where we ‘earn our corn’ so to speak. Easy repentance is only available down here in this world, once you get upstairs it becomes a lot harder. I have read a book about ‘Dybuks,’ which talk about experiences of people who died and were unfortunately not good enough to go straight to Gehinom never mind to Gan Eden. Their experiences were fascinating to read about and the book is well worth a buy, featuring Dybuks who were helped by famous personalities including Reb Chaim Vittal and the Chofetz Chaim amongst others. They testified the types of punishment their souls underwent, including wandering the world for hundreds of years chased by evil angels, and having to constantly relive and regret their sins. Eventually many of them were purged, but it’s definitely easier down here to do Teshuva. Let us hope we can take this week’s Mishnah to heart and repent before it’s too late.