Judaism

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DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND

Dear Rabbi

My friend recently lost a child and has spiralled into depression. She has cut off contact with her closest friends and really just keeps to herself. I have been her closest friend since early childhood but I don’t know what to do in the circumstances. Do I leave her be? Do I reach out to her or mind my own business? Does Halacha have a criteria on this?

Mindy

Dear Mindy

The Torah states, “When you see your enemy’s animal struggling under his load, would you hide from helping them? Help you shall surely help them.” Inasmuch as the Torah is talking about a practical scenario of how one might have needed help, it is also deliberately using the analogy of an “enemy.” Even when, for whatever reason, you don’t like the person, if they were struggling and could really use your help, would you hide from helping them? What kind of person would that make you?

All the more so, when we’re talking about your best friend. Yes, she is reacting in a normal manner considering the dire circumstances. It is utterly devastating and she could use all the professional help she can get. But it’s when someone cuts themselves off from all friends that they could really use a friend. 62 years ago, Arthur Garfunkel, a Jewish kid from Queens, enrolled in Columbia University. During freshman orientation, Arthur met a student from Buffalo named Sandy Greenberg, and they immediately bonded over their shared passion for literature and music. Arthur and Sandy became roommates and best friends. With the idealism of youth, they promised to be there for each other no matter what.

Soon after starting college, Sandy was struck by calamity. His vision became blurry and as the problem grew worse, ultimately, Sandy received the devastating news that glaucoma was destroying his optic nerves. The young man with such a bright future would soon be completely blind.

Sandy was devastated and fell into a deep depression. He gave up his dream of becoming a lawyer and moved back to Buffalo, where he worried about being a burden to his financially-struggling family. Consumed with shame and fear, Sandy cut off contact with his old friends, refusing to answer letters or return phone calls.

Then suddenly, his buddy Arthur showed up at the front door. He was not going to allow his best friend to give up on life, so he bought a ticket and flew up to Buffalo unannounced. Arthur convinced Sandy to give college another go, and promised that he would be right by his side to make sure he didn’t fall - literally or figuratively.

Arthur kept his promise, faithfully escorting Sandy around campus and effectively serving as his eyes. It was important to Arthur that even though Sandy had been plunged into a world of darkness, he should never feel alone. Arthur actually started calling himself “Darkness” to demonstrate his empathy with his friend. He’d say things like, “Darkness is going to read to you now.” “Darkness is going to take you for a walk.”

One day, Arthur was guiding Sandy through crowded Grand Central Station when he suddenly said he had to go - and left his friend alone and petrified. Sandy stumbled, bumped into people, and fell, cutting a gash in his shin. After a couple of hellish hours, Sandy finally got on the right subway train. After exiting the station at 116th street, Sandy bumped into someone who quickly apologised - and Sandy immediately recognised Arthur’s voice! Turned out his trusty friend had followed him the whole way home, making sure he was safe and giving him the priceless gift of independence. Sandy later said, “That moment was the spark that caused me to live a completely different life, without fear, without doubt. For that I am tremendously grateful to, ‘Darkness my old friend.’”

Sandy graduated from Columbia, earned graduate degrees at Harvard and Oxford, married his high school sweetheart and became an extremely successful entrepreneur and philanthropist.

One day, while at Oxford, Sandy got a call from Arthur. This time Arthur was the one who needed help. He’d formed a folk rock duo with his high school pal Paul Simon, and they desperately needed $400 to record their first album. Sandy and his wife Sue had literally $404 in their bank account, but without hesitation Sandy gave his old friend what he needed.

Arthur Garfunkle and Paul Simon’s first album was not a success, but the lyrics of one of the songs, The Sounds of Silence, was based on that experience, that one day at Grand Central Station, the opening line echoing the way Sandy always greeted Art, “Hello darkness my old friend.” Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel went on to become one of the most beloved musical acts in history.

Art Garfunkel said that when he became friends with Sandy, “my real life emerged. I became a better guy in my own eyes, and began to see who I was - somebody who gives to a friend.”

Wishing your friend strength and comfort and wishing you strength as well to be able to provide that comfort.

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Pirkei Avot

Dedicated for a refua sheleima for Avraham Menashe ben Chana Bracha Perek 4: Mishna 14

Rabbi Nehorai said: “Go into voluntary exile to a place of Torah and do not say it will come after you, (for) it is your fellow students who will establish it in your hand and do not rely on your own understanding”.

The Bartenura explains that there are two ways to explain the first two phrases: 1. If one has no Torah scholars in their place of residence, they should relocate to a place where one may be found and they should not say “Torah scholars will move to where I am” - one should pursue a Torah teacher instead. FURTHERMORE one should not stay home and rely on friends who have taken the trouble to go to learn Torah that they will come home and teach you the Torah, for it is incomparable hearing Torah “second hand” to hearing it directly from a Rabbi. 2. Alternatively, the Mishna means - go into exile to a Torah teacher and do not say the Torah will come to you. One benefit of going to learn from a Rabbi is that by doing so your friends will affirm the Torah you learn. Learning Torah from a Rabbi in the company of fellow students is the best way to ensure one reaches the correct understanding of the material. Hence the conclusion of the Mishna - do not rely on your own understanding of Torah; instead sit with friends at the feet of your Rabbi and then you will truly understand Torah.

The Yachin U’Voaz comments that this Mishna may also be seen as guidance for the aspiring young Yeshivah Bochur. If they want to truly grow in Torah they need to consider (with the consent of their parents/teachers) travelling away from home and all the distractions it offers.