M A G A Z I N E
EXCLUSIVES THE SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL BOND SOULMATES DO THEY EXIST? PUT TO THE TEST
CONVERSATIONS THAT WILL MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE
Issue No. 2 @thekindofconvo
RELATIONSHIPS & HOW TO NUTURE THEM LET’S GET PERSONAL
TABLE ofooff CONTENTS TABLE TABLE
CONTENTS CONTENTS
2
03 editor’s note EDITORS NOTE
2 Find out why our team is writing
about relationships and WHY they find out why our team is matter Find out why ourabout team is writing writing relationships about relationships and WHY they and why they matter matter EDITORS NOTE
05 alyssa maureen 24
ALYSSA MAUREEN
Co-paenting reltionship 24
co-parenting relationships
ALYSSA MAUREEN
Co-paenting reltionship
10
09 lashelle & myshawne LASHELLE AND MYSHAWNE
10 Setting yourself up for success In a setting yourself up for relationship from the stallings success in a relationship perspective Setting yourself up for success In a LASHELLE AND MYSHAWNE
relationship from the stallings perspective
15
natalie galindo how to love yourself before
19
ashley & lexi the importance of finding
24
someone else on howloving to love yourself before loving 24 someone ese NATALIE GALINDO
NATALIE GALINDO
on how to love yourself before loving someone ese 24
your soulmate & how The Importance of finding your 24 keep the romance soulmate and how to keep the romance The Importance of finding your ASHLEY & LEXI
to
ASHLEY & LEXI
23 david barajas 27 amanda castro
soulmate and how to keep the romance vulnerability in a relationship 24
DAVID BARAJAS
Vulnerability in a relationship 24
keeping a realtionship Vulnerability in a relationship
with your children & give them a fufilled childhood during the hustle
DAVID BARAJAS
18
31 35
edgar euan
NANCY RAMOS
18 to keep a relationship with your How children and give them a funfilled dating yourself childhood during the hustle with your How to keep a relationship NANCY RAMOS
children and give them a funfilled childhood during the hustle 24
kylie cardenas ending abusive relationships from
a woman 24 with Dates yourself EDGAR EUAN
who has been there
EDITOR IN CHIEF EDITOR IN CHIEF
Amanda Castro Amanda Castro
Design Director Kylie Cardenas Project Manager Natalie Galindo Design Director Kylie Cardenas Lead Photographer Corey Roncoroni Project Manager Natalie Galindo Contributing Writer David Barajas Lead Photographer Corey Roncoroni Contributing Writer Edgar Euan Contributing Writer David Barajas Contributing Writer Alyssa Maureen Contributing Writer Edgar Euan Contributing Writer Natalie Galindo Contributing Writer Alyssa Maureen Contributing Writer Kylie Cardenas Contributing Writer Natalie Galindo Contributing Writer Amanda Castro Contributing Writer Kylie Cardenas Advertising Director Olivia Mason Contributing Writer Amanda Castro Feature The Stallings Advertising Director Olivia Mason Feature Nancy Ramos Feature The Stallings Feature The Hoods Feature Nancy Ramos E D I T Feature ORIAL FFICE TheOHoods Oxnard, CA 93036
E 805 DIT ORIAL OFFICE | TheKindOfConvo@gmail.com
Oxnard, CA 93036 The 805 Kind| OfTheKindOfConvo@gmail.com Convo is published by Issuu Inc. 131 Lytton AvePalo Alto, CA 94301 The Kind Of Convo is published by Issuu Inc. 131 Lytton AvePalo Alto, CA 94301 @TheKindOfConvo @TheKindOfConvo
EDGAR EUAN
24 Dates with yourself
ISSUE No.2 } TKC Mag
KYLIE CARDENAS
insert perspective here* 24
KYLIE CARDENAS
ISSUE No.2 } TKC Mag
CoreyRoncoroni
Editor’s Note Relationships, ahhh yes. We learn lessons from some, get blessed by others, and grow with the rest but whether it be a relationship with your family, friend, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, business partners or colleague... we all know that we individually play a huge role in keeping the relationship healthy, fun, and thriving. You see - connection is something you cannot see but when you feel it, it should be embraced. Take time to understand the heart of your relationship and what it takes to keep the blood flowing. I don’t know about you but I say if it’s surface “I don’t want it!” *insert shouting Meryl Streep gif here* In this issue, we are here to CELEBRATE relationships (yes, #WeHaveArrived) and all of the laughs, tears, and important conversations that go into them. What you’ll find here is perspectives from different singles and couples who are HEALING from past experiences, ACCEPTING the love that they deserve, and NURTURING the relationships around them with meaningful conversations. From co-parenting relationships, dating, marriage, and everything in between - RELATIONSHIPS matter and I hope that within these beautiful stories you find resources and friends that will help your relationships bloom all year round. Make yourself comfy, keep a few important people in mind while reading, and let’s get PERSONAL.
Amanda Castro
@castamanda
Relationships are the FOUNDATION for a happy and fulfilling life. Not just intimate ones, but the relationships we have with our family members, friends, and colleagues. -Ed Mylett @thekindofconvo
TURNING LEMONS INTO by Alyssa Maureen
W @alyssmm__
hen a decision was made to go separate ways, I remember worshiping and praying to God, asking him for strength, understanding, and a forgiving heart. There was pain, hurt, betrayal and now we needed to make decisions related to our children while sorting out our own feelings and trying to get past the pain- SEPERATELY. Coparenting is a world that is all new to me. I have done research, fellowship with other moms, gone to therapy, prayed, and read about co-parenting. What I have learned is that co-parenting comes in many different forms, and it varies from family to family but the most important thing to focus on is the children and what works best for them.
“But how do we get there?” No matter how hard we want to mask the reality of a separation, it is not pretty. Relationships do not end because everything is going great and there can be a lot of judgment when families split up, directly or indirectly. It can be difficult for everyone involved, grasping the changes that take place. The one thing that has remained
Issue No. 2 | P. 5
consistent in the different avenues of professional and personal advice I have received, is to always have the child’s best interest, in the decisions that are made. This statement is so simple to follow but why is it so hard sometimes when you do not agree on decisions or you are still healing? I myself have fallen short when it comes to this. I am HUMAN, I am a mother who has two little lives that I am responsible for. But here is the catch, something that I had to accept VERY quickly is that I am not the only parent. There is a fine line between setting boundaries and being difficult and I have had to check my own self on this line and vice versa. Especially in the beginning when things were still “fresh” as one would say. The beautiful thing about life and people is that people can change, and they do. We are constantly evolving and growing. Parenting is tough, but if the efforts are there on both sides I strongly encourage co-parenting families to focus on the positive and solutions. In a survey that I conducted, I asked a series of questions. There were two questions that I want to focus on. These were the top answers that I received....
If you are a parent who is still struggling with co-parenting, or is parallel parenting, you are not alone. You are doing your very best…you are strong…you are a hero to your offspring. Use these answers as a foundation and Segway for your own situation and a tool for better communication, problem solving, forgiveness and understanding. The most important piece of all of this is our children. Open communication, talking about feelings, having conversations with your children about how they are doing and how are they feeling? As hard as it is for us as parents, it is also a lot for them to go through. We are their foundation. Let’s show our children love, understanding, forgiveness, by being an example. Next time you feel like sending that text about the shirt that is missing, or shoes you never got back, or about being late to pick up or drop off, take a moment and ask yourself “ is this text worth it?” life is so short, and the little things don’t matter at the end of it all. It’s the efforts and success, the team-
Issue No. 2 | P. 6
Co-parenting is not a competition, it’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart. -Dr. Anne Brown @thekindofconvo
Soulmates?
85% Exist
15%
THIS OR THAT ???
Fairytale
47%
Similar for connection
Opposite for balance
53%
Personality?
92%
Emotional
Attraction?
35% Realist
Hopeful
65%
8%
Physical
In a partner?
A
coast to coast love story. In 2018, Lashelle and MyShawne’ got married and have since been on an upward growth toward many new business ventures, spiritual callings, and motivational endeavors. Being that the root of this stems from the love and support they have for one another, I asked them to share their perspectives on how to maintain a strong relationship before and after marriage. We began by talking about who they were before meeting one another and when and how they met. What I found most interesting about this conversation was just as beautifully as they spoke about one another, they also spoke beautifully about their own strengths and faults. Myshawne’ began by telling me about a pull that he felt to move to California. In his mind, he felt he was gravitating toward the West Coast to live it up in Sunny California but little did he know, he was about to meet the love of his life soon after his arrival. Lashelle spoke about how casual their first
Issue No. 2 | P. 9
date was. She arrived with no makeup, flip flops and a sun-dress thinking what is meant to be will be. M: “Neither of us were looking for anything serious but I told my friends that I really liked her because even before we were official, we built a strong relationship through natural conversation. It flowed like water and we had all of our hard conversations up front.” Let me tell you, they weren’t kidding - Lashelle’s 3rd question to Myshawne’ before they even met up was “Do you believe in GOD?”. Myshawne’ responded: “I have my own relationship with God” to which Lashelle then challenged his answer and it was in that moment that he knew she was someone special. (Writer chimes in: Yasss girl, let ‘em know.) Needless to say, God is first in their marriage and the core of everything that they do, including loving one another. Fast forward to today, they are coaching men and women on how to build successful marriages so I asked them to share as much wisdom and experience as they were willing and here is what they had to say.
03. Introduce them to the important people that can offer you wise counsel and possibly see what you may not (whether it be about about yourself or the other person) 04. Take the love language test, it’ll help you lay the foundation on how to communicate with one another. 05. Recognize each other’s strengths and use them to make a new whole. For the Stallings, Lashelle brings the planning and Myshawne’ brings the fun and the action. 06 After a disagreement, give each other space but do not let things linger or your energies will begin to separate and you will leave room for issues to squeeze in. 07. Designate a day where you can tell each other the honest and raw truth. 08. Discuss and agree on who you are comfortable seeking counsel from should an issue ever cause a division between the two of you. 09. If you have insecurities about past traumas or experiences, talk about them and do the work to address them so that you don’t cast them onto you current relationship. 10. When seeking counsel, do not tattle. Address the way you handled it first. 01. Have the hard conversations first, it’ll set the two of you up for an honest relationship. 02. Do not allow people with jaded perspectives to weigh in on your new relationship because of their own experiences or past traumas.
11. Make God a priority, then your spouse and everything that comes with him/her. 12. CELEBRATE EACH OTHER.
Issue No. 2 | P. 10
W
AIT EVERYONE, Pause….this part!
We began to talk about things that have to go when you are in a relationship beyond the single tendencies and Lashelle touched on something that I feel a lot of people struggle with in this day in age, both men and women alike. She began to explain that one of the biggest struggles she had at the beginning of their marriage was letting go of her INDEPENDENT mentality. Sure, she is her own person and Myshawne’ is his own as well but in a relationship and especially a marriage - it becomes WE not ME. Picking their brain was an absolute pleasure and watching them laugh and reminisce on their love journey was amazing to witness. I was in total awe at how aware they were of each others needs as well as their own as well as how their personalities complimented one another. As I expressed this to them, they explained that that was the exact reason they have been able to grow in their marriage. “We were two whole people be-
Issue No. 2 | P. 11
fore we even met, coming together to make a new whole. If you are lacking in knowing yourself, you can’t tell someone how to love you and then you become dependent on each other in an unhealthy way. So do we depend on each other? YES. But we don’t seek validation from each other and THAT is what makes us strong enough to be able to pull each other up when the other one is down.” I was like pppssshhhhhhh #MindBlown. As we wrapped up, we talked about the fact that their primary wise counsel came from their lovely mothers who have guided them through the most important decisions in their lives. I emphasized that not everyone has that same blessing which is why it is so exciting to see their expansion throughout various platforms. They will be that light, the wisdom, and the open book that so many people need before, during, and after a relationship. Nothing is off limits and I hope you’ll join us following their marriage story.
The goal in marriage is not to think alike but to think together -R. C. Dodds @thekindofconvo
Family Oriented
87% 13% must doesn’t
relationship non-negotiables
matter
37% 63% must
doesn’t matter
Same Spiritual Belief
38% 62% must
doesn’t matter
Traditional Values
Same or More Annual Income
59% 41% must
doesn’t matter
Same Politcal Views
50% 50% must doesn’t matter
78% 22% right way away
later
Exclusivity
Love yourself by Natalie Galindo
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled my eyes at that aphorism before I really understood what it meant. It’s easy to think on the surface when you hear things like that. “I do love myself” I’d claim and flip my hair, without putting much thought into it. But did I really? It’s hard to take yourself out of your bubble and look at things from the outside in. I challenge you to ask yourself, “If I was in a relationship with me, exactly the way I am now, would I be completely happy?” The day I asked myself this question and answered it honestly, was the day I realized I have a lot of work to do. Operation “Love Myself “shifted into full throttle.
W
hen I found out the topic of this issue (and my first column entry in this magazine) was going to be about relationships, I almost spit out my coffee. “Me? Write about relationships?” After a lot nervous laughing and “FML’s”, it finally hit me. DUH! I’ll write about the best relationship I’ve built. So here I am, and the Kind of Convo that I want to start today is about a type of relationship that everyone should have. Whether you are single, married with children, co-parenting, or, like me, completely given up on hinge, bumble and the entire male species as a whole; I believe that the most important relationship you will ever have is a relationship with yourself. I am not talking about the recently popular “self-care” kind of relationship. We all love massages, facials and relaxing days, (YAS, TREAT YO’ SELF, we’ll get to this later) but the type of relationship I’m talking about is deeper than that. Have you ever heard someone say, “you need to love yourself before you can love someone else?”
Issue No. 2 | P. 15
When answering this question for yourself, take all things into consideration. Think about your drive, your reactions to difficult situations, the way you communicate with others, how you make others feel, etc.
organize your finances to get you that new car, the first step always an action. Once I acknowledged my faults, and put together a plan to fix them, I focused on the good. It’s also important to acknowledge what makes you great. I decided to embrace and enhance my good attributes and remind myself that I am worthy of all kinds of love [Insert Self-Care Day Here]. Remember that happiness is a choice. Telling myself “I think I’ll just be happy today” became my morning ritual. Even when I knew my day was going to be challenging, or when I was already having a bad morning.
First, I had to own and accept the things I had to work on. This sucked. No one wants to admit to themselves that their ambition is non-existent or that they need an attitude adjustment (especially me). Holding yourself accountable is so much harder than blaming someone else for ruining your happiness or making excuses as to why you are not following your dreams and achieving success. Recognizing that you are not perfect, you have made mistakes and that there is always room to become a better person, is the key to many doors that will lead to positive growth. Ask yourself “what am I doing on a daily basis that will help me achieve my goals”. If the answer is “nothing” (that was mine) change that to SOMETHING. Even if its ONE thing. This part is unique to your own goals. whether it’s getting in the gym to get to your goal weight or sitting down
The last obstacle I had to overcome was guilt. I know some people will feel guilty and selfish for taking the time to think so much about themselves during this process. I did. I was knee deep into a 2 1/2-year relationship when I realized that I didn’t completely love myself. My relationship was failing and here I was thinking about myself? It was hard not to feel guilty. I am here to tell you that you are not selfish. After starting this journey, so many things became clear to me. It’s dawned on me that I was demanding the kind of love that I would not be willing to give to someone who was exactly like me. It’s also inspired me to become the kind of person I want to love with all my heart (I’m a work in progress). Not only is this process okay, it’s necessary.
“You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.” Issue No. 2 | P. 16
but love doesn’t make sense! You can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost, and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. – How I Met Your Mother @thekindofconvo
Mack Meals mack.meals
CHOOSE LOVE
S
oulmate, a person perfectly suited for another. Do they exist? Is it a fairytale? We asked you, our readers in a recent poll and 85% of you said YES. Well I’m here to share my experience with The Hood family and confirm that SOULMATES do in fact exist. Here is how I know. From their first encounter to their first kiss, both Lexi and Ashley knew that there was something special about the other person but what they didn’t know was who was going to make the first move. At first, Lexi was trying to pursue Ashley BUT Ashley didn’t realize it until way later. WHY, you ask? Well at the time, Ashley didn’t know that Lexi was bisexual so any flirtatious comments that were made at A went right over her head. If you ask Ashley, she’ll tell you she was “just playing it cool”. Now the beauty in hearing the two of them reflect on this season of their relationship was seriously the cutest thing. They were tuned in and gazing at one another while the other spoke. They finished each other sentences and added feelings from the other side to each part of the story.
Issue No. 2 | P. 19
ADVICE from THE HOODS
to anyone who is struggling with friends our family that do not understand their sexuality, “Hear them out, empathize with them, open up their blinders by educating them and if need be agree to disagree.” …but love who you love. Fast forward to marriage time when they began on a newlywed journey with a new set of personal growth. There were so many moments during this conversation where I felt like I was having light poured into my soul…seriously. The honest truths they shared about their journey was so beautifully explained but the depths of their thoughts is what provided such a powerful affirmation in what we know to be the definition of a soulmate. LEXI: I read a book once that explained it perfectly. It said that your bodies are tied to this invisible line… it’s not a line that you notice or that you can see or feel but it’s been there for your entire life. It’s what steers you to do the things that you do so that you eventually meet. Once you connect, you fall in love and the bond becomes unbreakable. Being that there were so many occasions were we should have met before we actually did I know that is true to our story. We came together and I knew I was on the invisible line, right where I was supposed to be. Ashley: I think everyone has a soulmate but not everyone finds them in their lifetime but when you do, at first you will get a feeling that you’ve known them your whole life. As your relationship develops, you forget that they weren’t ever NOT in your life. You’ll connect so deeply with the other person that your memories become their memories. You’ll meet when you’re supposed to meet, when your hearts are both open.
Q
What would you say to someone who has never had an example of the kind of family they aspire to have for themsleves? ASHLEY: Know what you want and know what you don’t want. If you don’t know the answer to that, you aren’t ready. If you aren’t ready, don’t stress it. Take some time, work on yourself. Good things always come when you work on yourself. LEXI: Don’t let trauma define your future self or family. Recognize how you’ve come to where you are and let your experiences fuel your steps to being the best version of yourself for you and your spouse. Remember that it’s not about what has happened to you, it’s about what you do WITH what happened to you, whether it’s good or bad.
Issue No. 2 | P. 20
Q
What’s the secret to keeping romance alive?
L&A: Always work on your own fulfillment. If you aren’t happy you will not have happiness to give but no matter what kind of mood we are in, we have things that we must do for one another everyday. We to kiss each other goodbye every morning, kiss each other goodnight, and affirm each other everyday with our appreciation for one another (to which Lexi confessed that her introverted side is working on).
I have the privilege to say that some of my greatest friends have found their person (*insert nose boop here*). I hope that this glimpse into their romance will inspire you to keep an open heart because SOULMATES DO EXIST and when you allow yourself to become the best version of yourself, that invisible line will lead you to exactly where you need to be. The Hood family is off to start a new chapter in their lives as they take on Texas to grow in there careers, reunite with family, and start their very own. Congratulations you two!
Issue No. 2 | P. 21
There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers, and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
– Modern Family
@thekindofconvo
A RELATIONSHIP WITH Vulnerability : AN INTRODUCTION by David Barájas
L
et me start off by saying congratulations to you, to us , to everyone reading this on getting through that tough start to 2020.If January was a trial run to the rest of the year, that’s going to be no from me and I’m downgrading this premium membership to the basic on mamas, take the ads and limited skips at this point. January belonged to the STREEEETS.
Moving Forward I Say! If you know me you know I am deep in them books. I use my audible app more than IG @davidb60, you don’t believe me, look at how many posts I have, lol ( chill, I know I need to better, GaryVee told me already). The main theme for this issue was relationships, after brainstorming ideas I wasn’t satisfied and wanted to write about something common all relationships share, which was a level of VULNERABILITY. Fam, this book that I read is essential to anyone breathing I’m not going to go into complete detail because read the title, plus I can never explain vulnerability as well as Dr. Brown. Follow me down this rabbit hole real quick.
In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It’s that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control. Myths about vulnerability, the most popular being that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. When we think of times that we have felt vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage. These may be huge life events, such as going to the gym, public speaking, trying a new hobby , networking, new relationships. It’s just as present in those small moments of fear that pop up when we share our feelings with another person or ask for forgiveness. Misconceptions about vulnerability is somehow associated with weakness or being
Issue No. 2 | P. 23
fragile when it is in fact the farthest from the truth. It takes courage and strength to be vulnerable to friends, family, circumstances, most importantly yourself. Being in that arena is where persistence is groomed and growth is encouraged, “What most of us fail to understand...is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave,” says Dr. Brown.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy, & creativity.” So while doing new things that are outside your box may feel uncomfortable, you’re also opening yourself up to the opportunity to make new friends, learn new things, build healthy habits, and be present around new opportunities. It’s important to begin to recognize those fragile moments of vulnerability and work with them. Having the ability to be vulnerable allows you to stay inside the arena, get your butt kicked and come back the next day prepared to do it again. It’s a necessary trait for growth and development. A good place to start to begin with getting comfortable with being vulnerable, according to Dr. Brown is mindfulness. In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown describes this awareness as “pay[ing] attention to the space between where we’re actually standing and where we want to be.”
@davidb60 Issue No. 2 | P. 24
Recognize that facing vulnerability takes enormous courage. Take small steps (like asking someone what they are thinking ) and be proud of your bravery when you do. Let go of the constant worry about what other people think of you. Most people are focused on their own internal struggles, not you. Feeling overwhelmed? Focus your attention gently on your breath and the sensations in your body for a few moments before returning your attention back to the task at hand.
Don’t worry about being perfect-in fact, don’t even consider it. No one is perfect, and the more you hold yourself to an impossible ideal, the more easily you will give up. Having an openness and awareness of your environment as well as your own thoughts, feelings, and triggers will help you recognize when you’re disengaging because you’re afraid, but if you run away the second those shaky feelings arise, you’re just reinforcing the voice in your head that says I’m not good enough. What scares us is sometimes actually good for us, and if we can stomach sitting with it, vulnerability has the potential to transform itself into joy. Vulnerability takes courage and comes with power. Take the step down from the stands and enter the arena ,
Issue No. 2 | P. 25
it’s the only way to get better. Vulnerability is the new wave.. I took upon myself to be vulnerable with myself and I ended up realizing that my habits never matched the identity I wanted to build for myself. I built more results driven habits rather then identity based habits. Id start of hot , but gradually my old identity would sabotage my new plans for change. Being vulnerable with myself allowed me to get deep and ask questions to myself in understanding the person I want to become in my life and business and recognize what needs to evolve. “ wherever your identity is right now , you only believe it because you have proof of it.” James Clear. We will dig deeper on the next issue though. Lastly, I challenge you to pick a relationship that is significant in your life, could be with your significant other, a habit, your business, religion, even yourself, where it’s at a standstill and I encourage you to try to be more vulnerable for a certain amount of time and see how things improve , see if there’s any difference in the way you communicate and approach others and yourself.
s a j a r a B d i v a D
Until next time .
You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not. Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper @thekindofconvo
To the Moms Who Hustle
Issue No. 2 | P. 27
I
n an issue full of relationships, I couldn’t help but think of one that inspires me every single day. This relationship serves as my guide in motherhood. The relationship I have with this person is someone who gave me a childhood full of fun-filled memories and I want to share her with you today. Her name is, “Mom”.
some of the best ideas and bonding moments on those rides and when we fell asleep, my mom would use that time to open her school books and study. Remember those bus rides I was telling you about? Guess which campus we used to go to? Cal State University of Northridge. My brother and I would sit in the back of my moms classroom with coloring books and note pads pretending like we were also in college and if we were lucky, we would make it Growing up I had a childhood full of adventure. I on to the WWF website without anyone noticing… remember slips and slides and water parks when it haha. #REBELS. Oh and the early morning wake was hot, train rides to visit family when school was up calls, my mom would sometimes have to drop out, bus rides to visit a big campus, movie nights us off at our aunts house while she went to work and backyard campouts when it was cold, and early but instead of giving us a chance to realize that morning wake up calls just in the knick of time to we were waking up early she would turn it into hear the neighborhood rooster crow. Yes - you heard something fun like a rooster crow countdown. She correctly, rooster. sang us to sleep and rubbed our back every night and when we fell asleep she would whip out her What I didn’t know then was that those fun-filled books and start studying. I can recall countless adventures where perfectly orchestrated for me occasions where I would wake up and I could hear and my siblings, and sometimes even the rest of the her pencil underlining words in her textbooks while neighborhood kids to simultaneously run along my singing “you are so beautiful, to me… can’t you see” mothers busy schedule. until we fell back asleep. She was a full-time mother, wife, student, and employee. This superwoman that my daughter now gets to call “Grandmamma” was juggling so many things and yet, I never once felt cheated from my childhood. I write this in appreciation of her, yes… but also because I want to share how this relationship has proved to me that IT IS possible to be a parent and handle and achieve your goals. I’ll be the first to admit that once in a while our FUN Friday turns into an evening at the office but I try to make it fun by letting her color by my side to gift me with some new wall art or I’ll put my name badge on her and introduce her as my assistant which makes her feel like a million bucks. These are small things but I hope I can create the same sort of feelings that my other gave to me for my daughter. You see, what I didn’t realize was that the slip and slides and water parks were possible because my mom saved money all year round so that she could take summers off when we were not in school. Those train rides to visit family were the best, we had
So when I think of the relationship my mom not only had with us as children, I also appreciate the relationship she had with herself. It was a relationship that was strong enough to champion through the it all and build a career as a teacher and give her kids the best memories that would equip them with a prime example of how to bond with their own children. I realize that this is not a reality for everyone. Heck, it’s not a complete reality for me but it is my inspiration and to any parent who is find themselves trying to balance a relationship with your family, school, career, etc. KNOW that it is possible and if you do dedicate time to your children and do whatever it takes to get it done (late nights, early mornings, budgeting, etc) your children WILL remember the memories and it’ll all be worth it. Sincerely,
THE DAUGHTER WHO WATCHED THE GRIND Issue No. 2 | P. 28
Children don’t need presents, they need presence. @thekindofconvo
@edgareuan_ Issue No. 2 | P.31
THE LOST ART OF
dating yourself by Edgar Euan
S
ooo, you guyyyys!!! I just got home from a date aaaand I brought him back home with me. I know, I know I probably seem easy, but I couldn’t resist. You see, I’ve been perpetually single for the last eight years. I’ve had my share of lonely nights and weekends indulging in self-care, but giving yourself a foot rub doesn’t feel as satisfying am I right? If you’re a singleton like me, you probably on the constant look out for a new partner, we can get caught up in the idea of,
“thank you, NEXT!”
Being single was like being a tourist in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language. I had to learn being alone and navigate the world as a newly single person. I started dating again but every love interest was a short-lived flame. One of my favorite professors in college once lectured on the psychology of color and how color theory affects our psyche. After, the loss of her husband, her world turned grey. It wasn’t until she started to date herself, that her world went back to a kaleidoscope of colors. It sounded like the scene from of “The Wizard of Oz,” where Dorothy leaves her black and white world only to go over the rainbow into a life of color. But that’s it isn’t, after a break up are world is dull until we find love again and start seeing color.
I fell into that trap, of not going out and staying home because I didn’t have plans or a date. Several years later, I finally understood that lecture, and I started the process of dating myself. Dating yourself isn’t feeling down on yourself because you can’t find love, it’s a proactive version of singledom. Ever heard the phrase, “ I’m just going take time to do me. I’m working on myself.” YEAH! I’ve said those things too! Truth is, that dating yourself if a version of that. Dating yourself is you embracing the fact that you aren’t with anyone, and don’t spend your time actively trying to find a new partner. Instead, you’re your own partner.
These are some of the life lessons I learned by dating myself. Baby, don’t feel no shame in dating you. You are a powerful sexy being and you deserve to treat yo self!
01 MX. INDEPENDENT
I remember the first time I took myself out for drinks, dinner and a movie. It was awkward to say the least. I kept looking around hoping no one would recognize, turns out it wasn’t NBD. I made a promised myself that night to take myself out more. I did just that, so much so that I took a trip to the Mayan Riviera alone. In that trip, I learned to do all the things I wanted to do when I wanted to do them. There was no compromising.
Issue No. 2 | P. 32
NO COMPROMISE 02
I know, compromise is an important life skill and crucial in a relationship, but you never have to compromise who you are. When you date yourself, your happiness, your opinion, and wellbeing come first. Always. Spend time doing whatever it is that’s best for you. Practice saying, “ No” to things that will compromise accountability to yourself.
03 GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
When was the last time you asked yourself, “ what do I like? What would I like to do today?” During my trip, I learned that I loved to explore and that I was more rugged than I realized. I learned how intimacy with myself can be the sexiest thing in the world.
THERE’S NO FEAR OF JUDGEMENT 04
.
I remember being in a relationship and my partner would criticize everything I’d wear. “It’s too short.” “It’s too tight.” “Are you really going to wear that?” YES! Yes, I will where that crop top with short shorts because my body looks incredible and it’s a hot summer day in Los Angeles. At the end of the day, what you do, or wear is your decision. You’ll get used to at not making excuses to please someone else’s opinion of you.
05 FOCUS ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
What’s sexier than a person who’s totally in tune with their body, inside and out? Maluma, maybe, but not a whole lot. We grew up and date until we find, “our better half,” our “soulmate,” but there’s things that we can do to make us a whole person. We can meditate, and I don’t mean sitting cross legged and saying, “Om.” No, meditation can be taking a walk and being fully present. Meditation brings clarity. It will center you. You have a soul, be your own soulmate.
You have a soul, be your own soulmate. I had an amazing date tonight and I can’t wait for the next one. Get yourself some flowers, you deserve something as beautiful as you. Have amazing dates! Cant wait to hear all about them.
3 BD / 3 BA ••• Camarillo represented seller
$555,000
4 BD / 4 BA ••• Port Hueneme $530,500 represented buyer
3 BD / 2 BA ••• Oxnard $536,000 represented seller
4 BD / 3 BA ••• Oxnard $529,900 represented buyer
ISABEL GARCI A R E A LT O R ® 805-844-3566
22333 Pacific Coast Hwy Unit 100 Malibu, CA 90265 DRE #02014962
by Kylie Cardenas “We accept the love we think we deserve” Recognize that? Stephen Chobsky circa 1999 in Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve discovered this to be entirely true in not just my life but in dozens of women who I’ve encountered.
it was what I was wearing or how I did my hair or make up it was never good enough. My husband tells me I’m beautiful daily (even 7 months pregnant and 30 lbs heavier) and how proud he is to be my husband. My ex used to tell me I was “doing to much” when I would share a business idea with him. My husband supports my ideas and helps me achieve all my goals no matter how insane they may be. Most importantly, my ex put me in the hospital and without any regret or hesitation, told me it was my fault and that I provoked him, and I shouldn’t do things to deserve that. My husband would jump in front of a train before letting any harm come to me.
There’s this notion that being in an abusive relationship looks like a depressed, run down woman like the human version of an A.S.P.C.A. commercial. If you haven’t already figured this out, it’s not and there is not always signs of it either. I bet you that at least 1 out of 5 of the women you know are being abused either mentally, physically or both. Yet, they will appear to have it all together on the outside. I I stayed, many years in that vicious cycle. I know this because I was one of them. told myself just because this wasn’t as bad as I am not the victim here, but I want to bring the last abusive relationship I was in (because awareness to this type of cycle and lifestyle just abusive was better than abusive on drugs because I hear it all too often and it’s from people right?) that it was better. Delusions. I read an you least expect. Even to The STRONGEST article one day about a woman who was killed most powerful, self-made women. Yes. They by her boyfriend, but no one knew anything most likely won’t tell you. They don’t want your was wrong and they seemed like “such a happy pity. They don’t want your judgement. They couple.” Yeah, that one hit home. Not that I don’t know what to do but they won’t ask for thought my ex would kill me per se --but it was help. They want your support and they fear if thought provoking. It wasn’t until I picked up they tell you the lunacy they are living in, you my stuff, saved enough to get out and ran to where he could not affect me anymore that will view them as weak. I could heal. I learned to love myself. Really, If you’re reading this, you aren’t weak. You do really love myself. I worked daily on becoming deserve better. You are enough. And yes, you the woman I would want in my life. I was head over heels in love with who I have become when can. the man of my dreams came into my life and I My ex used to tell me I was “stupid” almost believe that God, the universe and the powers daily and that all I was good at was my job that be had their timing just right. (was that supposed to be an insult?) Today, my husband tells me I’m smart, that he’s amazed There’s more to my story, but to any of the by me and proud of me. My ex used to say I readers that either resonate with this or know think too much when I was having an anxiety someone this would resonate with. You’re not attack, he would mock me and tell me it was alone. You’re not weak. You do deserve better. I all in my head. My husband hugs me when hope you can find the strength like I did to say I’m panicking and even goes straight for the enough is enough. It doesn’t matter if it’s been acupressure points that alleviate anxiety. My 1 year or 10. You only get one life. No matter ex never complimented me, in fact he would how scared you are—there is a way. There are make fun of the way I look constantly, whether resources, and people really do love you.
Issue No. 2 | P.35
Turn the page for a resource...
@kyliemar13 Issue No. 2 | P.36
How Prevalent is Domestic Violence? How Prevalent is Domestic Violence? How Prevalent is Domestic Violence? People experience
20 20 20 19% 19% 19% 18-24 18-24 18-24
People experience physical abuse every People experience physical abuse every minute physical abuse every minute minute Of abuse involves a weapon
20,000 20,000 20,000 Calls a day
Calls a day
Of abuse involves a weapon
Calls a day
Of abuse involves a weapon Age of women who are
Age of women who are at the greatest risk of Age of women who are at the greatest risk of DV at the greatest risk of DV
10 Million 10 Million 10 Million Abuse victims annually
Abuse victims annually Abuse victims annually
DV
Effects of Domestic Violence on Society Effects of Domestic Violence on Society Effects of Domestic Violence on Society Every
3rd 3rd 3rd
9 seconds 9 seconds 9 seconds
DV is the .
leading
Every a woman in the US is Every a woman in the US is the victim of DV a woman in the US is the victim of DV
DV is the . leading cause of homelessness DV is the . leading cause of homelessness among families cause of homelessness among families
the victim of DV
among families
Effects of Domestic Violence on the Econony Effects of Domestic Violence on the Econony Effects of Domestic Violence on the Econony
In the Past Year, Domestic Violence Solutions...
$5.8 Billion $5.8 $5.8 Billion Billion
$4.1 Billion $4.1 $4.1 Billion Billion
The cost of intimate partner violence
Of the $5.8B is direct medical and
The cost of intimate partner violence each year The cost of intimate partner violence each year
Of the $5.8B mental Of the $5.8B mental
is direct medical and health services is direct medical and health services
each year mental health services Answered 5,091 calls to Provided 7,908 safe nights Sheltered as many our 24-hour crisis and Of paid work for victims of shelter to victims of children as adult victims Of paid work for victims 8 Million information lines of partner violence - or of domestic violence domestic violence Of paid work for victims
8 Million 8 Million Days Lost Days Lost Days Lost
of partner violence - or the equivalent of 32,000 of partner violence - or the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs full-time jobs
Domestic Violence Solutions for Santa Barbara County | Tax ID # 95-3495141
Responded to 450 calls Domestic Violence Solutions for Santa Barbara County | Tax ID # 95-3495141 805.963.4458 x1109 | jennieliser@dvsolutions.org | dvsolutions.org Participated in 423 educational Provided hundreds ofCounty | Tax from law enforcement and Domestic Violence Solutions for Santa Barbara ID # 95-3495141 805.963.4458 x1109 | jennieliser@dvsolutions.org | dvsolutions.org and outreach events counseling sessions to victims | dvsolutions.org emergency rooms at the 805.963.4458 x1109 | jennieliser@dvsolutions.org throughout the community of domestic violence victims’ location
NEED SUPPORT? 24-Hour Info/Crisis Line: 805.963.4458 Website: dvsolutions.org
Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. - Maya Angelou @thekindofconvo
With Wedgewood Weddings you don’t need to spend a year planning (and stressing about) your wedding. You’re ready to start your life together now…
Why Wait? Book your best day ever NOW
Receive $500 off! Walk down the aisle within 4 months Limited Time Offer. Eligible for weddings with a minimum of $5,000 or greater Wedding must be booked four months or less prior to wedding date
Ready To Plan Your
Best Day Ever? Call Us! Why Wedgewood? - Affordable Packages & Stress-Free Wedding Planning - Over 30 Gorgeous Venues Nationwide - All-Inclusive & Personalized Options - Celebrating Over 30 Years Of Valservenience®
CALL US TODAY! 1-866-966-3009 events@wedgewoodbanquet.com www.wedgewoodbanquet.com
#WEDGEWOODWEDDINGS
How deep is your love? years ago, a group of psychologists conducted a social experiment designed to make any two strangers fall in love. These single men and women were instructed to sit face to face while answering a series of increasingly personal questions. The challenge was to answer these questions in a honest fashion, complete all 3 sets, then stare into each others’ eyes for a total of 4 minutes. This study proved to be successful as many of these people went on to be in relationships together and some even married. Will you take on the challenge? Share your experience and tag @TheKindOfConvo for your chance to win a free date night!
Part One
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? 4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
e
Part two
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? 16. What do you value most in a friendship? 17. What is your most treasured memory? 18. What is your most terrible memory? 19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? 20. What does friendship mean to you? 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Part three
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling..” 26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “ 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? 31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Issue No. 2 | P.42
lash.house
life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships. - Gary Chapman @thekindofconvo