Conquistador by The Kumquat

Conquistador A Satire Magazine

Spring 2016

your student fee

letter to the editor: We at Conquistador love to hear from our fans -- whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, or even something as archaic as letters! It sounds outrageous, but this week when one of our graphic designers was in Boca Raton she happened to stumble upon this message from a devoted fan! “Some of those who wander are actually lost. Like me. Please send help. I’m hungry. I’m scared. As to my location, I know only so much. I am kept beyond the fish market, north of the creek. There is a dense forest to my east, and beyond that, I assume the remainder of the eurasian landmass. I have been lost before; once unsure for minutes whether or not I was heading north or south on the 1 train. Though, I have never quite been lost like this. I now renounce a mantra I once claimed as my guiding force: not all those who wander are lost. Joanna, darling, if you are reading this please log in to my Instagram account and change my bio. My semester abroad ended in late April.

By early May, I was in Prague, with ambitions to go further. The Eurail Pass took me as far as Minsk. There I took to bicicelta, determined to traverse the Stans. This was a decision that, given the perspective of hindsight, I know now to be foolish. I was taken 20 miles from Istanbul city limits, my captors spoke only Pashto and, therefore, could neither rationalize nor understand that I am a Bernie Sanders supporter, tolerant of Islam and committed to easing U.S.-Middle East socio-political tensions. Still, they took me. There are no tapas in captivity. No friends to take a picture of you mid-air in front of some castle. There are no hostels, no beer gardens. I am so cold. Help. P.S. Please notify Interpol that my captors wish to make a deal.” What’re the odds?! She’s lucky we found this! Maybe next time just try tweeting us, M! Sounds like you’re having the time of your life!

The Conquistador Team EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Patty Terhune

GLAMPER EXTRAORDINAIRE: Hannah Mesches

DESIGNER: Kristen McNally

FREELANCE INSTAGRAMMER: Sara Zadrima

MANSPLAINING CONSULTANT: Matthew Gorgonzola Bosworth the 3rd

NOVELTY NAPKIN COLLECTOR: Caroline Cianci

FUN GUY TO BE AROUND AND DO STUFF WITH/GUY WITH A BAD ATTITUDE AND A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER: Mike Piffy

SERENDIPITOUS QUAINT LOCAL STUMBLEUPON: Ally Thibault

FASHION SLÜT: Soleil Young HAIR & MAKEUP FOR AFRICAN CHILDREN: Sarah Komjathy FOREIGN MCDONALD’S EXPERT: Alford Daley PERSONAL SHERPA: Allison Gasparini

SACRIFICIAL INTERN: Tom Condon SNAPCHAT FILTER FAN FICTION AUTHOR: Erik Benjamin SIMPLE I.T. GUY: Joey Dawson SPECIAL THANKS TO: Melanie Stopyra

What’s Inside

Spring 2016

WHAT TO PACK

PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN

KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN

WANDER MUST

ALL OUR FAVORITES

WHERE TO WEAR: SHOES

CLIMATE CHANGE

STUDY ABROAD

SPOTLIGHT: LOCATION

QUIZ: WHICH WRIST TATTOO ARE YOU?

TIPS FROM THE EDITOR

check us out online: @sukumquat The Kumquat

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What to Pack We at Conquistador understand how terrible it is to be abroad without the comforts of home. Follow this ultimate packing guide so you will never be without the essentials. edited by: Blair Walrus

1 Nada colorblock bikini with 14k gold mesh lining, $1,500 2 Hasselbland Star Camera, $7,000 3 Givfrenchy, 80s-inspired neoprene suit, $395 4 Von Cleft & Orpels Heritage, braided bracelet, $60,000

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5 Clinook, anti-vagabond cream, $80 6 Nada, jewel encrusted peasant blockers, $3,000 7 African handwoven wallet, you bought because it was cute, not to help the charity that was selling it, $50 8 Extra pair of Choonel, peasant blockers, $6,000

Hotel Réassurance

Got a 24-year-old daughter backpacking through Europe with her friends during her second gap year? Is your son studying abroad with his baseball team this semester? If their adventures extend to Paris, we at the Hotel Réassurance extend our warmest welcome to your tired travelers. Our accommodations include freshly laundered sheets, a free continental breakfast, and safety from the grime, loose morals, and murderous kidnappers that breed like rabbits in those nasty, low-fare hostels. Our dedication to service excellence and customer satisfaction provides far greater peace of mind than local hostels that house students in disgusting, overcrowded rooms with god-knows-who doing god-knows-what, probably picking up foreign diseases and smearing their filth everywhere. And have you ever seen the movie Hostel? Or Taken? Nope, your precious little Lauren will absolutely not be staying in one of those hellholes. So book a room at the Réassurance, and ensure that your globetrotter won’t become a sex slave or a mangled mess of body parts at the bottom of the River Seine.

pics or it didn’t happen 1

Always take photos using a DSLR. If, and only if, you absolutely cannot reach your DSLR, you can use your iPhone 6S Plus.

Position yourself amongst extreme poverty in your Instagram photos while visiting a third world country. You want everyone to think you’re a good person and throwing a Valencia filter over a pic of you with a few malnourished Haitian children on your hip will prove it. This will always result in a triple-digit gram.

Take pictures with random foreign people you meet. Dedicate an insightful caption to how meeting them has impacted your world view, but mostly ensure that you look good in the pic and that you appear to be way more in touch with the serendipity of life than any of your followers.

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To elevate you to Insta-fame we invited your favorite prepster, blogger, screenwriter, photographer, freelance journalist, quirky girl, artist, trailblazer and Instagrammer Auden “Aux” Cord to dish on some of her best #instahacks to max out your international double taps.

In the event of a tragedy in a country you have visited, you should always post a #tbt to when you were there to remind people how much this tragedy affected you!

Always be sure to subtly place a glass of wine or stein of beer in your pictures, especially if you would not be of age back home! Drinking is cool. Show off your glass of finely aged red wine in Chianti while your friends stateside get blackout on pisswater while watching The Voice results show.

You deserve to pose with every monument in the world. It’s your Godgiven right. Take as long as you need trying every pose you can think of to maximize your likes. It’ll all be worth it for that peak pic.

Conquistador

& KICKSTARTER

Need a hot new Instagram to follow to satisfy your every wayfarer prayer? Check out our Freelance Writer Nicole’s kickstarter to support her lifechanging social media endeavor!

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Wander Must This woman quit her job to travel all over the world. This is an open letter to the husband and job she left behind. edited by: Chicago Smith

hen I left you, this wasn’t what I had imagined for my future. I had pictured a simple life on a beautiful beach in Indonesia, collecting seashells with the locals and spending my days tending to a pomegranate grove to make an honest living. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience, it’s that things rarely go as planned. Quitting my job as CFO of Woohoo Lemon and leaving my family to travel the world couldn’t have been more worth it. Separating from my guide on that daytrip to Érd and paying a beet farmer my remaining funds for what I believed was a quaint Uber back to my hotel was the beginning of what would turn out to be the most unbelievable chapter of my life. I have learned many things about myself, including that shoe shining is the only skill I bring to this village. I also now know that I can survive a whole winter on goat’s milk and radishes. After this long and harsh season, I can’t wait to flaunt my new look at the Balaton Swamp when summer comes. Right now, there isn’t much work for me, but Tiborc says that soon the men will return from the hunt, then there will be 6

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plenty of shoes to shine. Until then, I am paid in loose cigarettes. I can’t even believe how materialistic I used to be. Now my greatest possessions are the molars I was able to rip from the mouth of the old beggar man who froze to death last week.

“I can’t believe how materialistic I used to be” To my husband, don’t come looking for me. Tiborc made me tan a goat’s hide with him and I’m pretty certain I am his wife now and he will kill you if you try to reclaim me. To my children, if mommy works hard enough I should be able to collect enough old shoes from the bog to exchange for a plane ticket to see your high school graduation. Nine years really isn’t that long! To my old coworkers, I am living the dream in the sense that I truly cannot believe I am awake and this is the life I lead now. To any other like-minded souls, go out and seize the moment, and remember to always water your mule before leaving the village.

Our Favorite Things compiled by: Maria von Trapp

DESTINATION

FOOD

Discover Tokyo! Stop by Japan’s capital for a cozy weekend close to home! Drop off your bags at the Peninsula Hotel, a steal at $8,500/night for a whole suite, and head out into town for fresh pufferfish that will remind you of grandma’s cooking. Tokyo locals are known for their laid-back, easy-going lifestyle that will be the perfect remedy to a busy week in the office.

Our In-House Food Specialist has spent the last 34 years on sabbatical travelling all over the world and studying cuisine. He has returned as a culturally aware individual who is ready to share his re-creations of some of his favorite traditional, authentic meals. Check out the recipe of the month!

quick tip:

check out our packing guide on p. 2 so you remember all the essentials

WINE There is quite literally nothing more satisfying than a nice Cabernet Sauvignon which may seem harsh on the tongue at first but then soothes over time, like a long-distance beau. Or depending on the moon, perhaps the better choice is an acidic and fruity Auvignon Blanc that’s sweet but keeps you guessing, like a foreign beau. We can all agree having the wrong seasonal wine at your benefit cocktail hour could be more detrimental to your diabetes awareness dinner than diabetes itself. So you don’t besmudge yourself or your organizations, we asked our In-House Sommelier to recommend the best. “This season’s best is Chablis, an unoaked Chardonnay originating from Northern Burgundy. If you haven’t been, it is an absolutely life-changing experience and I recommend it highly. In fact, you probably would not truly appreciate the buttery round edges of this heavenly experience unless you’ve taken the time to really travel and explore the culture. I urge you fix that.”

* * * “I found this dish on a dock in Naples while I was cruising along the Amalfi Coast. I’m proud of this dish, because it really screams “Italian flavors” in your face with every bite you take. It’s one of my personal favorites because it even has dessert built right into the meal.” Recipe calls for: - 2 Sicilian pizza pies - 4 Italian margherita pizzas - 3 bowls of spaghetti - a lasagna consisting of 6 layers - pasta, meat, cheese, cheese, cheese, pasta - grated parmigiano cheese - 2 italian breadsticks - gelato Start by covering the bottom of your crock pot in scoops of your favorite gelato flavor. On top of this, put your Sicilian pizza pies. Next, sprinkle a thin layer of parmigiano cheese before adding in a bowl of spaghetti. Add the next few layers in this order: Margherita pizza, thin layer of grated cheese, breadstick, spaghetti, Nargherita pizza. Place the lasagna on top of this series, and sprinkle it with a good layer of parmigiano. Finally, top it all off with your breadstick and add cheese until you’ve reached the brim of your crockpot. Cook this delicious dish for 3 hours, and don’t stop eating till you hit the dessert-y sweetness you can’t obtain from any other food but gelato.” Spring 2016 / Conquistador

where to IT’S A FAMILIAR SITUATION WE’VE ALL BEEN IN: Your boyfriend Chad’s family invites you on their annual trip to Bora Bora. But once the excitement wears off, you realize you have no idea what shoes to wear! Never fear. It’s easy to stay comfortable and fashionable without breaking the bank. Whether you’re horsebacking down one of Bora Bora’s beautiful coasts or out to a romantic dinner with your boyfriend Chad, you’ll be prepared for anything.

FOR RELAXING ON THE BEACH:

Beach shoes are, by nature, more casual. This open backed Nada Espadrille Mule keeps you looking laid back, yet still make a statement with the eye-catching crystal-embellished toecap. You’ll be sure to turn many boys’ heads. Pair with a crystal embellished Flanel Cruise 2015 Bikini ($1600) to complete the look. Price: $890

FOR ZIP-LINING THROUGH A RAINFOREST:

The biggest challenge with zip-lining is that your shoe can’t slip off mid-zip, so it doesn’t fall and kill your boyfriend Chad’s family waiting below on the beach. But, these beautiful Nada S/S 13 Geta Inspired Platforms Strap On, leaving you worry free! The color will contrast beautifully with the crisp green of the Bora Boran rainforest. Price: $860

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wear The legendary fashion blogger and instagrammer, The Blonde Cakemix, spills her secrets about the perfect vacation shoe collection. FOR THE NIGHTLIFE: On a romantic dinner date with your boyfriend Chad (and his family), show off your sexy legs in these Platform Christian Louboutnone’s with white leather floral cutouts. They balance class and elegance without pushing you into “red-carpet” shoe territory. He won’t be able to take his eyes off you. Take that, Brittney! Price: $1575

WHILE HIKING ON MT. PAHIA:

AT THE FUNERAL OF CHAD’S COUSIN BRITTNEY, WHO DIED UNDER “MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES”: This pair of Black Noé Boots are reminiscent of Victorian Mourning clothing and are very in right now. The height on the heel will also allow you to reach Chad’s cheeks to help wipe away his tears. Price: $1175

Mt.Pahia (658m) is an arduous hike. Impress Chad and his family with your athletic skills in these Satin Piu Piu Sneakers. This stunning bedazzled silver mesh pair is also aerated—because suffocating your feet is almost as bad for you as feeding GMOs to your pet Pomeranian Flanel! And if you’re worried that Chad’s cousin Brittney will try to push you off a cliff so she can date Chad instead of you, the durable rubber soles will help you grip the cliffside, keeping you stylish and safe! Price: $1490

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traveler profile:

onquistador sat down with acclaimed explorer and author Matthew Gorgonzola Bosworth the 3rd to discuss his retirement from the field of exploration and reflect on his most profound travel experiences. CONQUISTADOR: Thanks for joining us, Mr. Bosworth. Being a seasoned explorer, we believe you’re the most qualified person to answer this for us. What spring break destination would you suggest our readers try out this year? BOSWORTH: Before the age of man, nature was allowed to flourish and bloom, limited only by a plant or animal species’ own fight for Darwinian success. An Amazonian flower, given by chance the ability to produce a poisonous enzyme, could fend off predators with such efficacy that it could breed unopposed, covering the ground

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for miles in every direction. A jungle cat, honed by thousands of generations of slight adjustments of balance and speed, could leap from a branch silently and kill an entire family of prehistoric boar in just seconds flat. The beauty and marvelous complexity of such a system, each element toiling single-mindedly towards the one and only goal of self-preservation, may never again be witnessed by man. In my humble view, the whole thing was kind of pointless. A total waste, really. How many National Geographic issues did they print about the mammoths in 30,000 B.C.? How many 60 Minutes specials got made about a tree frog that lived and died 80,000 years before Jesus himself ? None is how many. So why even set the whole thing in motion in the first place? A real mystery in my book. I mean, there must be thousands of species that rolled around in the muck long before anyone important was around to snap a photo. What’s the sense in that? Do I write novels just to toss the finished manuscript

in the fireplace of my 100% old-growth redwood cabin-mansion? Hardly! I send them to my editor David and he sends them to Random House and they sell 80,000 copies in the first month. Can a lizard that went extinct along with the dinosaurs say the same? I highly doubt it. David is an extremely busy man and I’m sure he’s got enough on his plate without any new lizardbased manuscripts. The good news is that there is still hope for you, the readers of this cute little children’s leaflet. There is still much to discover on this planet that hasn’t been discovered and subsequently destroyed by another young explorer like yourself. Imagine the thrill of damming a stream filled with endangered flora and fauna, watching them struggle to adapt, and creating brand new streams and waterfalls in the process! Not to mention the fascinating experience of endangering a whole different of flora and fauna, seeing them to a habitat now completely submerged! Either way, I’d like

to tell you about some of my wonderful and exotic travels so that you can one day find some new frontier to call your own and subsequently exploit. On one of my first expeditions we travelled to Antarctica to see the Polar Bears. On arrival we were told that we had come to the wrong side of the planet, which was quite frustrating and proved to be quite a hassle. After sedating and shipping the necessary bears to our outpost, we soon set out to hunt them to extinction, albeit a more limited extinction than we had previously hoped. Unfortunately for us, the bears seemed disoriented and distressed by the completely foreign terrain and climate, and most died of panic attacks or suicide. Those we were able to track and kill did make a great show of escaping the snowmobiles, but were no match for our mounted guns and soon my time in Antarctica drew to a close. CONQUISTADOR: It sounds like Turks & Caicos will be unbeatable this year! Spring 2016 / Conquistador

Authentic Lionel Messi Jersey Football is the world’s sport, bringing people together from all different places and generations. It is the glue that holds Europe together, a kind of cultural catalyst that infiltrates all aspects of daily life. And Lionel Messi is really, really good at it. He’s the one who is always on TV at the bar in Barcelona that you and your Delt brothers go on Wednesdays. He plays for Spain, I think, and is kind of short but super fast. You’ve definitely heard of him, he’s pretty much the Tom Brady of soccer. By wearing his jersey, you’ll showcase your honest appreciation for all that soccer means to Europeans, and a true understanding of the game. Your Delt friends back at home will be impressed with how knowledgeable you are about the sport, and won’t question your insistence on watching every FIFA match for the three weeks following your return to campus. As a plus, the locals will undoubtedly respect you and accept you as one of their own. Rock that Messi jersey today - just stop by any seedy souvenir shop on your way to the Sagrada Família.

Study the World Here at Conquistador we understand the importance of travel to our individual growth and to our growth as humanity. To celebrate this, we asked our readers to submit their favorite experiences studying abroad. edited by: Clementine Starfruit

Chris Jansen, 22. Studied abroad in London, Copenhagen, and Dubai. This isn’t my favorite moment or anything, but I just want to call out my dude Chris C. for being an uncultured scrub and only studying abroad twice. I went to Dubai! That’s outside of Europe my dude. They love me so much in Dubai I’m practically a prince (on a side note, I stayed next to an actual prince in my hotel and he’s a pretty cool dude). Anyways, I just wanted to say that Chris C., you’re not fooling anyone with your cool hair and TOMS. Life is about experiences, man, and you just don’t have them.

Clayton Hunt, 21. Studied abroad in London. I’ll never forget the semester I studied abroad in London. My dad chipped in for a Ferrari so I didn’t have to take the tub or whatever public transportation in London is called these days. It sucked I couldn’t drive anyone else though. See, Xhibit (yes, THAT Xzibit, the famed rapper and former host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride) transformed my entire passenger seat into a giant speaker with a sneaker compartment and a LED light apparatus. You gotta keep your Timbs somewhere, you know.

Dave Sutter, 19. Studied abroad in Madrid. They say that studying abroad opens your eyes to new experiences, and boy did going abroad to Madrid do that. Before Madrid, I had never really seen homeless people before. Yeah sure, I heard about them, but I’d never seen one in the dirty, poor, disease-ridden flesh. I’m from Manhattan and go to school in Syracuse, so you can understand why I never saw one right? It wasn’t until a one-legged Spanish homeless man give me directions that I realized homelessness is a problem. Oh, also, La Sagrada Familia was dope. Spring 2016 / Conquistador

Location, Location, Location... discovered by: Gulliver Darwin

SPOTLIGHT ON: West Arbor, Oregon

This up-and-coming neighborhood in Oregon is one to definitely check out if you don’t want to go to Europe for the fifth time. It’s off the beaten path and it’s one that you won’t hear about otherwise, unless it’s from us!

This local microbrewery really packs a punch. Their white ale is impeccable, but if you’ve got an itch for a porter, they won’t disappoint. All of the beers are brewed on-site, and you can taste the homegrown freshness in their signature full-bodied brews. Taste the seasonal IPA for a wintery sensation frostier than a hometown production of the Nutcracker. 14

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This mom-and-pop sells locally-owned, locally-grown, all-organic, gluten-free, nitrate-free, dye-free food and goods. It’s the perfect guilt-free pit stop to indulge in the local flavor while visiting. Never in your life will you eat better, and your vegan non-GMO friends will be dying to know where you got that gallon of açaí-kale detox topsoil-water to quench your thirst post-tandem biking. The social construct of the home is quickly being torn apart by these Oregonian intellects. This high rise apartment complex is one of the most popular in the area. Residents have reinvented traditional ideas of community by laying on top each other to make a human Jenga castle. They are unafraid to tear down any constructions and live life how it is meant to be lived. The nightlife here is unparalleled. Never in our lives have we ever felt more at one with the pulse of the nocturne than when we went to this local hotspot, Ga Sco. Local EDM mastermind, Wavelength, came out of an early retirement to play a set featuring mind-boggling synchronisms and sensually sinister bass drops, with BPMs that confirmed this wasn’t your mother’s rave!

FAST FACTS:

Population aged 20-34 Yoga per 10K residents Drip coffee joints per 10K residents Thrift shops per 10k residents

150,675

Number of bike racks

7,503

12.4%

Number of glasses to people who need glasses

18.6%

West Arbor Music Festival

6.5%

3:1 June 6th

Number of food trucks per resident Spring 2016 / Conquistador

1:1 15

Which Tiny Wrist Tattoo Suits You? created by: Sabrina Vanderbilt

If you could go anywhere for a quick getaway where would you go? Prague Cinque Terra Croatia Punta Cana

If you got mostly beetroot fuschia you are a geometric pattern! You feel connected to the world and its inhabitants through a myriad of angles and perspectives. Don’t ever stop yourself from exploring these bonds.

Which trinket reminds you of the childhood cross-country roadtrip you took with your family? Dinosaur shaped coffee mug A watch that is actually a compass A vintage sticker from a pancake restaurant with only one location about 30 miles south of Portland

If you got mostly asparagus fern green you are a compass! You feel a strong pull in one direction of travel. Follow your gut. You were meant to make difference in this world.

A dog chain that says “Likea” that you found lying outside of that thrift shop Wanderlust is exhausting. What do you do to relax? Vlog Read my dog-eared copy of On The Road by Jack Kerouac Recreate the local cuisine of places I’ve gone to Go to a nightclub

If you got mostly Pacific sunset orange you are a dot! You understand that we are all just mere specks in the existence of the universe. You understand the role we all play and you have no problem telling others about it. Rock on!

Favorite movie to watch on the plane ride to Interloken? Anything by Wes Anderson Spirited Away A Clockwork Orange Fight Club Summer’s coming up. What’s your favorite summertime activity? Wearing no shoes. Makes me feel at one with the Earth Hand-making ice cream People watching on the beach Listening to a local jazz band

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If you got mostly off-the-beaten asphalt gray you are an arrow! You always follow your heart. This will lead you to great adventures that will be even better stories. You’re always the first to know about soon to be trendy places to bring your friends to. They won’t forget this!

Savvy Travel Our editor gives you the inside secrets to get the most out of your travel!

59 million people are expected to travel somewhere new this year that they haven’t before been. Will you be one of the intelligent few who choose to take this leap of faith into culture? Let Conquistador be your travel agent, your tour guide, and your multicultural lover!

PROFILE Anais Dai Has logged 500,000+ miles traveled in the last 12 months

TRAVEL TIPS This jet-setter has actually not stopped traveling for the last year. Every time she disembarks from a plane, she boards a new one. She now has her passport tattooed on her arm for quick and easy customs navigation! My packing secret is...

I keep all of my belongings in one suitcase at all times. Life is about travel, not stuff. I keep an essential two pairs of underwear, three pairs of socks, and four ensembles in my Louie duffel perpetually. My suitcase is...

a custom made Louie that I got in an airport in Milan five years ago during my last travel bender. I usually fly American Airlines for local business. I am a diamond, double whammy, virgin sacrificed, pearl

encrusted platinum card holder. But Singamore and AirItalia are exquisite as well. My advice for planning a cruise is...

don’t. There’s a reason planes were invented. Best advice for travellers prone to travel sickness? Buy my signature, velvet-covered vomit bag! Only $449.99 through SkyStore! The one place I always return to is...

the Milan airport. I met a man there years ago and we discussed the harmony and dissonance of life and never before have I had such rich, astute connection. Fabio, I’ll be back. I’ll always come back. Spring 2016 / Conquistador