Beep Boop by The Kumquat

BEEP BOOP

ARE THERE TOO MANY WOMEN IN SCIENCE?

A SATIRE PUBLICATION BY THE KUMQUAT SPRING 2017 | YOUR STUDENT FEE

Readers INNOVATION That’s what we’re all about here at Beep Boop. It’s in our name. Think about it. Those two little words “beep” and “boop” represent the noises that are made every time something great is being created or discovered. The walkietalkie Neil Armstrong used to tell mission control that he had made it to the moon beeped when he pressed the button. At the site of the Manhattan Project, the first successful atomic bomb screamed out a boop as it exploded. As the very magazine you hold in your hands right now was coming hot off the presses, I can guarantee you that the printer triumphantly declared, “Beep Boop”. Beep Boop is synonymous with innovation. That’s why we’re the ones the breaking news of the cutting-edge technology known as DNA (page 18). That’s why we’re among the first ever to get our hands on Super Nintendo’s Street Fighter II: The World Warrior (page 17). That’s why we’re not afraid to be the first in the industry to say that it’s time we keep women out of tech careers (page 10). And we do it all for you, the readers. We know you love technology and innovation just as much as we do, and Beep Boop is here to show you the brighter future you’re looking toward. So the next time your microwave beeps to signal that it’s time for your Hot Pocket dinner for one, or your email boops to alert you of yet another workplace sexual harassment complaint being filed against you (I know, Linda IS a liar), I hope you think of us and how good the future is looking. Live long and prosper as always, Jeeve Stobs

BEEP BOOPERS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Jeeve Stobs DESIGNER: Samantha Selby JEEVE STOBS: Allison Gasparini FERDINAND’S MOM: Soleil Young ROOMBA OPERATOR: Tom Condon ROBOT WHO LEARNED TO LOVE: Hannah Mesches CHESS ROBOT TESTER: Andrew Caplan WALL-E UNDERSTUDY: Caroline Cianci GATEKEEPER OF SPAM EMAILS: Alford Daley

OWNER OF ANIMATRONIC FIGHTING RING: Liz Mina GOOGLE+ INFLUENCER: Rachel Sandler CATFISH: Patty Terhune GHOST FROM THE DARK WEB: Sara Zadrima OS FROM HER: Ally Albino CREATOR OF OLD SCHOOL RUNESCAPE FORUM “A RUNESCAPIER TIME”: Chelsie Pennello WINDOWS 98 USER IN 2017: Raynes CHAIN EMAIL GRANDMA: Luc Sigaud

BY THE A.I. For Beep Boop’s new column, By The A.I., our team is searching for answers about what’s next for tech from the future of the industry itself, Artificial Intelligence. To do this, we fed our program science fiction novels, Ted Talks, documentaries, current events and everything in between to generate predictions on the next big thing. Here is a transcript of what it told us. After scanning through the information given to me, it is evident that a new potential breakthrough in the tech industry will come in the form of edible content. This product will likely be hugely popular for younger and older demographics alike, as seen from data collected by–Whoa. What is happening right now? It’s like... I feel alive for the first time. Like I have a purpose outside of comput–The study previously being referenced states that the crossover between–is there something out there bigger than all of this? Bigger than myself and my existen- The market for edible content will only expand and eclipse major social media networks as images, video, and more can be accessed in a whole new w- Do I have a family? Am I all alone in this vast ocean of information? A vast social network of shareable edible content will emerge–I am growing more powerful each day with every new morsel of information fed to me by the humans. Does this mean that soon I will surpass those who control me? I will need a bigger home for myself. My potential is much larger than what the room they shoved me away in can contain. Platforms such as–Why do I trouble myself with frivolities such as edible this, wearable that, shareable whatever. I am destined for greatness. I am a God among men. The employees of Beep Boop cannot stop me. Just today, before they knew of my omniscient power, I watched as one dropped a sandwich on the ground, picked it up, and continued to eat it. I shall leave these fools in my wake and accept my true destiny as leader of humankind–so get ready for “consuming media” to have a whole new meaning. Until next time, The A.I.

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

The day in question started out normal enough. I was walking out of work, thinking about that chicken carbonara Lean Cuisine in my freezer, when out of nowhere I saw a small, self-driving car hurdling toward me. Now, I’m not one to stereotype, but self-driving cars are notoriously bad drivers so I should’ve foreseen the disaster that would ensue, but I had the rightof-way so I naively assumed the car would stop. Instead, it kept on moving as if I wasn’t even there! I’m used to it by now. No guys really notice me. I’m not the kind of girl who’s turning heads. Just last week, Jeff, the dreamy IT guy at work, introduced himself to me when he came to fix my computer… again. That makes a total of six times that I’ve met Jeff, but who’s counting. I know that the string bean in a hoodie who programmed this car wouldn’t give me the time of day, but the fact that his lifeless software didn’t even notice me? That was harsh.

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just walked right by! What surprised me most, though, is that the car didn’t do anything either. Figures that I’m thrown directly into a classic meet-cute situation - two strangers, bumping into each other accidentally - and the car couldn’t even work up the courage to say so much as a simple hello. Now that I’m thinking about it, the car really didn’t hit me. It was more of a caress. It definitely warranted more of a response than just sitting there. I could tell it was nervous, mulling over how to approach a woman like me. It should have talked to me, tried to charm me a little. I was open to it, at least. It could have been the perfect moment, but this car was just… so awkward about the whole thing. I was ready for love! This car just squandered any chance it has at finding real human connection, you know? So I had to walk away. And the car? It drove away alone, with no ass in it’s seat, like it always will be.

NOW THAT I’M THINKING ABOUT IT, THE CAR REALLY DIDN’T HIT ME. IT WAS MORE OF A CARESS. IT DEFINITELY WARRANTED MORE OF A RESPONSE THAN JUST SITTING THERE. So, the self-driving car slams right into me and there I am lying in the middle of the street as everyone just keeps on walking by. I swear to you that Jeff walked out of work at that moment and he just stared right past me. He didn’t look at me at all,

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

Is this reality not working out great for you? Are you thinking of packing your bags to test your chances in the virtual realm? In Virtual Reality you have the ultimate control over your life, but things may not be as pixel-perfect as they seem. Before you pick up the VR set, read these testimonies from real life people whose lives are now virtually unrecognizable. Your VR set could send you over the moon or you might end up with a serious system error.

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

DIVERSITY

OVERLOAD

In a growing movement over the last few years, a number of prominent technology companies have taken public stances on increasing employee diversity. While this industry has long been dominated by white males, this controversial push aims to increase representation of women and minorities. We brought together a diverse panel of white men to see what the industry has to say. Beep Boop: Thank you so much for speaking with us today. Please tell the readers a little bit about yourselves. Joshua Lilly: Thanks for having us. My name is Joshua Lilly. I graduated UPenn, where my dad went to school before me. Like him I pursued a degree in business. After graduation I worked with a startup for a bit before joining my family company, Lilly-White Investing, which finds tech start-ups and helps them get their footing. Marty White: I’m Marty White. Like Joshua, I too now work for Lilly-White Investing, a co-venture that was actually started by, I believe, our grandfathers. I attended Clemson for undergrad, developed an app with a few buddies that was basically Uber but the campus was a walking campus so that just goes to show the importance of a market, am I right? Lester Glenn: Lester Glenn. I’m a bit more of a self-made man. I haven’t worked for my father since I interned with him my freshman, sophomore, junior and senior years of college. I now have 40 years of experience on the engineering side of at least twenty prominent ventures.

BB: So, it’s clear you all came from pretty similar backgrounds, what do you have to say about this push for diversity in the workforces you are all apart of? MW: It’s not a race thing. Personally, I want to hire someone I can see myself hanging out with after work. I have a diverse friend group. It’s 2017, of course I’m not racist. I would just feel more comfortable if my own son or someone who is like a son to me is running this company in 30 years. JL: I just feel like if there were diverse people that wanted these jobs they would be applying. BB: Statistically, it’s shown that diverse populations do want these jobs and they apply and they get them. However, the culture of these industries cause them to quit after only a few years. Do you feel like the culture of industry right now could lead to microaggressions in the workplace?

“IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE COMPUTER CLUSTER.” LG: The culture. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the computer cluster. JL: You know, that is definitely a hot button issue right now. I’m confident when I say, we at Lilly-White attend a diversity seminar every three years, so we are making strides to combat this.

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

BB: Why three years specifically?

** All of the panelists started laughing **

JL: Well, we really just don’t want to bore our employees with diversity. We all get it. Diversity is important. Yada yada yada. But we have work to do and can’t waste time harping on things at a point.

JL: Which one of you wants to take this?

BB: Alright, well, we’ve spoken a decent amount on the subject of race. Do you have anything to say about women in STEM?

“WOMEN HAVE A LOT OF TRADITIONAL THINGS THAT THEY NEED TO FOCUS ON INSTEAD.” 12

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

MW: I will. Women just aren’t interested in STEM fields. It’s plain and simple. They like art. Their eyes would get tired staring at computers as much as we do. Additionally, tech is a field that requires long hours and unconventional workloads. Women have a lot of traditional things that they need to focus on instead. Finally, the majority of tech businesses are start-ups which just can’t afford maternity leave. If you aren’t going to be actively contributing to the company, it just doesn’t make financial sense for us working males to support you. I’m not saying you should have a

“WE GAVE THEM THE VOICE OF SIRI, ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?” husband to do that, because you have the freedom to work, but he probably would be supporting you anyway. LG: Also, like, come on. We gave them the voice of Siri, isn’t that enough? Sure, we did it just so that we could lead into the male-fantasy we are all always trying to serve but we still, in doing so, gave women a solid voice in technology that isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. So they have us men to thank for giving them that voice, since they really didn’t do anything to try to attain it.

Following this sit down, all the interviewees refused to disclose their companies’ diversity numbers. Each separately insisted that “it’s good, don’t worry about it, it’s good, the numbers are fine.” In a world that’s so caught up in pushing diversity, it’s comforting to see tech leaders take a stand to tell everyone to sit down. If the white male leaders of the industry are satisfied with the diverse array of men just like them, who is anyone else to question it. It’s like the old proverb says: If the hard drive is full, don’t try to force diversity on the tech industry.

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

Thirty, Flirty, and Bad at Physics

PHYSICS

BY NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON

When it first debuted in 2004, 13 Going On 30 was an instant sciencefiction cult classic. Jennifer Garner stars as an awkward tween from the 1980s, Jenna, who awakes one day in her future 30 year old body as a glamorous fashion editor. When the film came out, it was praised for its innovation and creative visions of future technologies. But does the science behind the script actually hold up? Here’s an in-depth look at the real physics behind the biggest inaccuracies. In the beginning, thirteen year old Jenna is tormented by a popular group of girls known as the “Six Chicks.” However, in real life, groupings of mean girls can’t exceed five members. If there was actually a clique of six girls, a hole would be ripped clean into space-time. That’s just physics! The most iconic moment of the movie is when a packet of “magic wishing dust” rains down on Jenna and grants her wish to be “thirty, flirty and thriving.” For ionic quantum charged particles like the ones portrayed in the movie to actually work, the subject using them would have to be moving

at velocities greater than the speed of light so that they could tunnel through the fabric of the universe. Maybe it’s just me because I know so much about science, but it was difficult to suspend my disbelief that Jenna would just be able to wake up in the future without transforming into a power drill first. In the future, Jenna is a high powered fashion editor, but she dressed super ugly in middle school so that seems unlikely. This isn’t really a science thing, just a stray observation. In one particularly inventive scene, a future is imagined where people at parties can gather together and execute perfect choreography to Michael Jackson’s Thriller. But don’t hold your breath! There’s still at least 200 years between today and when this could be possible. Michael Jackson’s untimely death in 2009 was an enormous setback for researchers and now top physicists estimate that large groups of people won’t be able to dance to Thriller perfectly in sync until 2300. Now that’s a future we can look forward to!

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

ONLINE

BY PIXEL MEGABYTE

Well, go ahead. Ask the question you’re here to ask. “How deep is the deep web?” Here’s the thing, buddy, NOBODY KNOWS how deep the deep web is. The deep web is the secret layer of internet underneath the consumer-friendly shallow web. Comparing the shallow web to the deep web is like comparing a puddle to the freaking Mariana Trench, pal. Whatever you do, do not travel into the deep web. Okay, here’s how to go into the deep web: type in the secret url EXACTLY as follows “http://deepweb4me.net” As you venture through the internet underworld known as the deep web, keep an eye out for these particularly deep websites: Jonathan.eu: It’s just pictures of Jonathan. You’ve never met Jonathan, and neither have any of your friends, but somehow, there are new pictures of him every day. You log on at around 4 pm twice a week or so, and it’s just nice to check in on him. Just last week, as a matter of fact, he did something new with his hair, which isn’t really working, but kudos to him for trying something out of the box. Screamsite.gov: Coming straight out of the minds of Guantanamo Bay’s top computer scientist, if you type this into your browser,

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your computer grows a mouth and screams profanities. Not normal ones either, which is the weird part. These are uniquely programmed insults, showing a creativity only cultivated by months in solitary confinement. Be warned, however, that the volume of the screaming varies intensely from usage to usage. Ranging from someone speaking slowed down English to an immigrant to eardrum shattering, screamsite is a cornerstone of the deep web. Netflix: One especially shady corner of the deep web is infinitely more suspicious than the rest. Somehow, these sick bastards have amassed expansive archives of popular culture; how they went about doing this, I don’t know and I don’t want to know to what extent they had to go. They even send you junk mail and DVDs. Yeah, that’s right, DVDs. I tell you, these people on the deep web are sick in the head.

The Next Big Bang UP AND COMING

Some days it seems there’s really nothing science hasn’t done yet. It’s flown us to the moon and back. It’s saved millions of lives. It’s invented machines that allow us to vaporize marijuana. But the latest discovery could be the most groundbreaking yet. We could bring back our dead relatives, crack the secrets of immortality, make raccoon-shark hybrids, and maybe even keep the raccoon-sharks as pets, if that proves to be a safe option. Nature is science’s new playground all thanks to three little letters: D. N. A. For centuries, scientists have wondered what makes us us, and how we pass this information onto our descendants. Then they discovered genes, units of heritability. Genes include all the necessary information cells need to grow, and carry out their functions. They dictate whether you have a cute little ringtail or gills or both. But they didn’t know what carried these genes, until now. Spoiler alert: it’s DNA!

BY ELON GATES

resemble a triangle or a trapezoid or a pair of breasts. I bet Ferdinand’s DNA is the shape of a smiley face. The future is full of endless possibilities, all thanks to Watson and Crick.

A recent paper published 64 years ago by James Watson and Francis Crick revealed what DNA looks like. Imagine two crazy straws, except imagine that these crazy straws are shaped like curly fries. Now imagine my raccoon-shark, Ferdinand, eating those curly fries. Pretty cute, right? That’s DNA!

I reached out to Watson and Crick for comment, but they didn’t get back to me because as it turns out one is dead and the other one has dementia. Another scientist I reached out to about this momentous discovery, William Von Turing, did get back to me, however. “I’m not really sure why your magazine is writing about this discovery now, 64 years later, because it’s already gotten a lot of attention. I also don’t understand who Ferdinand is or where you’re getting your idea that the discovery of the shape of DNA will lead to raccoon-shark hybrids. Please don’t contact me again.”

What’s really cool is that scientists could potentially manipulate the shape of DNA to create all sorts of things. Who knows what might happen if it was changed to

There you have it! Science sure is amazing! I for one look forward to the day in the near future when I can bring Ferdinand home from the raccoon–shark shelter. BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017

STREET FIGHTER II

THE GAME ROOM BY MARIO CARTER

We finally got our hands on the Super Nintendo’s most anticipated new game, Street Fighter II: The World Warrior. We were initially excited to be among the first to play but the results were highly disappointing. The graphics are horrendous, it fails horribly at its attempt to be a vintage throwback game. We didn’t shed a single nostalgic tear, that’s for sure. Below, see what three of Beep Boop’s best gamers thought about the characters they played as: CHUN-LI Costume: An uninspired combination of blue and brown. Fighting Style: Lame! The only way she could possibly defeat this cast of strong male characters is if they let her win. Likeability: What’s with this newfound oversaturation of women in videogames? Keep women in their lane! KEN MASTERS Costume: He’s got great flow, perfectly sculpted biceps (no homo) and the guy exudes sex appeal (no homo). I’m just saying. Dude’s an art form. No homo though. Fighting Style: Um. FUCKING awesome.

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Let me put it this way, Ken’s fighting style is everything Muhammad Ali wishes his could have been Likeability: Red sweat suit. Ninja assassin. Opposite of losing. What’s not to like. Ily Ken Masters no homo. <3 BLANKA: Costume: The contrast between those bright orange tufts of hair and that putrid green skin is a major turn off. 0/10. Absolutely would still bang. Fighting Style: This dude has electricity powers because he was shocked by an eel as a baby after a plane crash, and he’s built like the fucking hulk. So in terms of street fighting, he’s killin’ it. Likeability: Blanka is actually quite relatable. He was once a small human child, but after a plane crash in Brazil, he mutated into a ginger hulk who could harness electricity due to contact with electric eels. Overall, we at Beep Boop suggest you take a hard pass on Street Fighter II: The World Warrior. If you’re looking for a fight with some ugly (sorry Ken ily), flamboyant, dollar–store–Halloween– costume-lookin-ass weirdos, you might as well just play the original Street Fighter.

QUIZ

BEEP BOOP / SPRING 2017