The Mold by The Kumquat

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FIT US OR QUIT US

A SATIRE PUBLICATION / SPRING 2015 / YOUR STUDENT FEE

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Ally Thibault MANAGING EDITOR Mónica Bermúdez

Hello, peasants.

ASSISTANT EDITOR Patty Terhune

I know you’ve been waiting for this. For years, decades even, you’ve been wondering: when will I ever find salvation from my tragic appearance, a hero to raise me up to the pedestal of hotness? Well, look no further. The Mold is here to fix you.

LAYOUT DESIGNER Kristen McNally COPY EDITOR Kerry Wolfe PHOTOGRAPHER Joey Marion ILLUSTRATOR Anna Knighton PHOTOSHOP WIZARD Chelsie Pennello THE “BEFORE” MODEL Hannah Mesches YOUR REFLECTION Sara Zadrima SELF-CONFIDENT UGLY GIRL Allison Gasparini ENABLER Rachel Sandler THE PATRIARCHY Nick Sessler HANDSOME JERK Ryan O’Connor ASS MAN Nick Padula ULTERIOR MOTIVE Caleb Rudge

Do I look familiar? I probably cyber-bullied you in middle school. I breezed down the hallways with impeccably glossy lips, breaking hearts and spirits with no more than the bat of a perfectly manicured eyelash. You fear me and you love me, and you’re lucky I’m willing to help you. The Mold has been my brainchild ever since I straightened Audrey Fischer’s disgusting, matted mane for the junior prom and turned her into an ethereal satin goddess, leading to a reputation-saving blowjob with the captain of the lacrosse team. And now, years later, I still see all you women out there, so lost and in need of a Keratin treatment...and I pity you. I created this magazine to help you identify each and every one of your flaws and understand your duty to eliminate them—or at least hide them from society. Take a good, long look at yourself. Are you really fulfilling your role as a modern-day geisha? The chances are, probably not. So read on, and let The Mold teach you all of the things your mom clearly didn’t. After all, you need to fit us, or quit us. Kale Von Anglosaxon Editor-in-Chief

YOUR T.A. Joey Dawson FORGOTTEN ROMNEY Erik Benjamin FLEEK POLICE Matt Bosworth TECH SUPPORT Ronak Nair SPECIAL THANKS TO Melanie Stopyra

thekumquatteam@gmail.com www.sukumquat.com @SUKumquat

Hold this page up to a mirror to reveal a secret message!

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SPRING 2015 6 BEAUTIFICATION 8 THINSPO!

10 HOT GUY PANEL 12 OOTD

9 WHINE

14 GOALS

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THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

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THE NEW

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version of yourself

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THIS PALETTE WILL AMP UP YOUR VOLUME-SHINEMATERIAL-GOODNESS FACTOR TO ASTRONOMICAL LEVELS OF CLUMP-FREE-BLAST-OFF-ULTRA-ROCKETNUCLEAR-SYNERGY-VOLUPTUOUS-DELICIOUS-SEXMACHINE FEROCIOUSNESS!!!!! SOMEONE GET ME A GLASS OF WATER, I’M HAVING HEART PALPITATIONS!

BEAUTification

Fully embrace the quest for an hourglass figure by sitting cross-legged on the desk of a 16th-century philosopher. Remind all who lay eyes on you of the inevitability of death—all while looking cute, flirty, and fun! | You’re only as desirable as your boyfriend—so make sure to get a hot one! | Shrink-wrap yourself in saran wrap for that freshly waxed, smooth complexion you’ve always wanted! | Make a clay mold of your face on your 20th birthday, when most women peak in physical attractiveness. Then, every night, sleep with the clay mold over your face. Like braces, it will keep your skin and facial features in place and prevent crookedness! | Pinterest inspo! Create a do-it-yourself wormhole in space that will continuously take you back to the point in time to when your pelvic floor muscles were at their peak strength! | Take a page out of ancient China’s book and instead of binding just your feet, bind your entire body like a mummy every time you go to sleep to guarantee a sexy figure! | Surgically replace all of your hair follicles with aluminum foil to make sure you have the shiniest hair at your book club’s cocktail party! | Buy a cardboard cutout of Kate Upton, create a metal frame based off her proportions, squeeze yourself into it, apply a touch of powdered sugar, bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes or until golden brown! | Learn to lie. This way you can be a different person all of the time, constantly meet and exceed the expectations of any boyfriend, grandparent, professor, or employer! | Recycle your tears! Invest in a tear dialysis machine which will relocate your shed tears to other areas of your body that are lacking in moisture... because honey, you’ve been dry recently and lube is not as cheap as it used to be. | Vagina getting loose?

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WAYS TO B

6 THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

BEAUTification

Replace it with a black hole—nothing is tighter and more sexually stimulating than a point of singularity! He’ll be sucked right in by the gravity of your prowess! | Learn how to make good guacamole so your boyfriend’s friends will have something to talk to you about at their Superbowl party! | The only areas of your body that don’t grow hair are the palms of your hands, the soles of your feet, and your lips. Graft skin from the soles of your feet onto your armpits so you never have to worry about shaving this spring break! | We all want abs of steel—but aim higher. Diamond is notorious for being the hardest known material on earth. Inject your abdominal muscles with liquid diamonds, and not only will you have the sickest abs at Jazzercise, you’ll sparkle like a Cullen! | Find a perfume that smells like bacon. Men love bacon. | Smile all the time. Nobody likes a girl with real emotions and problems! Fake it ‘till you make it! | Get surgical heels implanted in your feet. Elevation makes your legs infinitely sexier, so you will always look your hottest, and you won’t have to worry about picking out shoes every day! | Always show just the right amount of cleavage. Not too much, but not too little. You want to please men, but you also don’t want to look like a fucking whore. There is a fine line. Don’t cross it! | Pitch a tent in your kitchen! It will show your man that you know your place! | Take whatever advice Daddy gave you...and do the opposite. Sure, Dad’s given you a lot, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a totally incompetent nitwit. Also, be rude to him on the phone in public! | Find out whether your man is an ass man or a boob man. In order to fully please him you will have to surgically replace your ass with boobs or your boobs with another ass. Hit the beach and watch as you turn heads!

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BE BETTER

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

THINSPO

THE HELIUM DIET Float like a butterfly, sting like a sexy bee-otch! Written by Xenon Prometheum Illustration by Anna Knighton

After cutting all foods with weight out of your diet, do you still feel heavy? Do you ever wonder why? The reason might surprise you! Very few women even think about a certain hefty element we put into our bodies every day, an element that weighs you down much more than you think...OXYGEN.

Introducing: The Helium Diet!

Oxygen is practically obese. With an atomic mass of almost 16 amu, it’s pretty much the Big Mac of gases. Luckily for you, avoiding this excess mass intake is oh-so easy! No more wishful shrinking — just scoot down the periodic table!

Helium is the lightest of the noble gases, and as a lady, you should accept nothing less than noble. Because it is so weightless, you’ll finally lose those last few pesky atomic mass units and perfect your currently LOL-worthy thigh gap. You’ll feel lighter than air and hotter than fire! You’ll even develop

Engineered by Paris Hilton’s brightest nutritionists, the Helium Diet consists of an all-helium respiratory intake for 60 days. Forget oxygen—just hook yourself up to a tank of sweet He and feel that atomic mass float away!

“OXYGEN IS PRACTICALLY OBESE” a cute little voice that will give you that ultra-feminine flair your mother never thought you had in you. So, why wait? Try the Helium Diet today! It guarantees results and takes little more than a weekly trip to your local balloon store. What’s stopping you? Not gravity, we hope! TM

8 THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

OOPS!!!

whine

I Overshot My Self-Worth! When loving yourself goes a little too far. Written by Felicia | Photography by Joey Marion

ast week I had the ultimate FML moment. I was flirting with this cute guy from my poetry class, and I accidentally mentioned I like myself. Like...like like myself. I tried to laugh it off, but it got me thinking. Turns out, accepting your flaws has been extremely destructive to the beauty industry. Businesses are failing and people are losing their jobs—all because women are comfortable in their own skin. And I was part of the problem! Can you say cray?!

“Turns out, accepting your flaws has been extremely destructive to the beauty industry.”

damage lay—the market. I was def in need of a mental makeover. Inspired, I ditched my self-worth like last year’s OPI shades.

TBH, it’s been such a positive experience for me. I felt hundo p happier knowing balance had been restored, and my hair was finally glossy and voluminous again! In any case, we need these products—how else can you expect to look your best when your best without makeup is a mere 6? So, do your part, ladies... and if we can blow life into the dying beauty industry half as well as we can blow our pool boys, we can guarantee that these totes fab products will be here to stay! Snaps to that! TM

Salty, I decided to check myself before I wrecked myself. My inspo board on Pinterest was filled with reminders to accept every part of myself. Every part? Um, probs not. I realized my self-love was literally destroying the livelihoods of countless people, people who work hard and sacrifice to make sure that women live up to their full potential. By caring less and less about my heat-damaged hair, I had forgotten about where the true

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

FUN AND FLIRTY

HOT GUY WE ASKED — THEY TOLD!

We all know guys are literally impossible to figure out. That’s why The Mold held our very own Hot Guy Panel to demystify all that goes on inside those hunky, well-groomed heads of theirs. We caught up with these cuties and asked the question you’ve been dying to know the answer to: What qualities do you demand in a woman?

“I like my girl tall enough so that she doesn’t need help getting stuff out of the cupboard, but not so tall that she can dunk a basketball, or beat me in a fist fight.” [RYAN, 20]

“I like my girls how I like my clothing... branded. If you’re not willing to make the commitment to get branded for me, then I don’t think you can handle what lies underneath these salmon pants.” [JOEY, 19]

“If you want to impress me, make an effort to educate yourself about things that I like. Get into mixed martial arts, chopping wood, and catcalling. Of course, these are all great starts, but I won’t start taking you seriously until after we do the dirty.” [CALEB, 20]

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FUN AND FLIRTY

PANEL “I like a woman who appreciates the fact that I had to compete with other men in order to possess her. Ideally, she’ll sit quietly on a velvet cushion in my living room, next to (but not blocking) the TV, and I’ll have the maid come in to dust her every couple weeks or so.” [PADDY, 20]

“My ideal woman always knows how to cheer me up when I’m down, cooks my favorite meals, and looks at me tenderly with eyes just like my own. If Dad hadn’t snatched her up at grad school, I sure would have! If only I was 25 years older!” [MATT, 19]

“The sexiest thing a female can do for a dude like me is to shut up when the game is on and use her mouth for the only thing it’s good for...oral!” [NICK, 21]

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

SPRING OOTD

INTO

Spring is fast approaching! This season’s staple pieces are fun, flirty, and absolutely begging for accessories. Here at The Mold, we know that all of our readers have beautifully unique body types, so here’s a guide to which pieces will best accentuate your natural beauty! Edited by Kors Pincushion

If your body type is: PERFECT Feel free to go absolutely wild with this season’s trends! Cute skater skirts look adorable with sweet crop tops. Rock those funky patterned leggings with a solid peplum top. Test out new trends, and spruce up old ones. The world is your oyster—grab that pearl tight, but don’t chip your mani!

Since your body is absolutely flawless, it will look good in anything— GUARANTEED!

12 THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

1: Peplum top by TEENMA | $69 2: Super-stretch leg sheaths by Lady Gaga’s assistant, Wendy | $3 3: Crop top by Bsic Btch Inc | $12.50 4: Skater Skirt by your fave store | $665

SPRING!

ootd

How To Play Up Your Figure In This Season’s Hottest Trends Try to stick to neutral colors that will blend into walls or concrete buildings so you disturb the rest of society as little as possible.

If your body type is: GROSS Honestly, there’s not much for you here. You’re kind of just a big gelatinous mess, and the fashion world isn’t really compatible with that. You probably shouldn’t even get out of bed at all, but if you have to leave the house to take out the trash or get the mail or something, I guess you could wear a giant, nondescript tunic, or a burlap sack, or a parachute , or anything that will cover up that ghastly vessel that your “great personality” inhabits. 5: Trash bag by Department of Sanitation | $7.99 6: Ugly Reducer by Local Farm | 3 bales of hay 7: Body Disguiser by Walmart | $45 8: Ski Mask by Patagonia | $250

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

Goals!

FROM DRAB to Monica Molde wearing SXXY BTCH jacket and dress, $3,572

14 THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

FAB

ONE GIRL’S INSPIRING REALIZATION THAT BEAUTY REALLY IS POWER!

Goals!

Monica Molde, 22, was just your average fugly girl. She studied medicine, volunteered at her local soup kitchen, and did all the totally boring things that beautiful people don’t have time for. All that changed one day when she picked up a copy of The Mold magazine—now she’s a hottie with a body, ready to show the world that getting glam is all that really matters! Hold onto your tits, ladies: you’re about to get inspo’d. TM: Tell us, how totally fab was your transformation?

MM: Growing up, I was a very well-rounded person. I was an honors student, captain of the swim team, and had a great relationship with God. Despite my accomplishments, no one seemed to give a shit about me. I couldn’t figure out why, and I was ready to give up on everything until I came to college and met Cyndi H., my nympho roommate. She was the epitome of cool and hung out with the hottest truck drivers. One day I asked her, “How did you get so perfect?” She handed me this magazine, and now look at me. I’m no longer a virgin, I do drugs at raves, and I hook up with men older than my dad. People listen to me now that I’m sexy AF. The Mold helped me become perfect.

gross

TM: Slay, girl! So, what’s your favorite physical feature now that you’re hot?

MM: Definitely my DSL: Dick Sucking Lips. Do you know how many times I’m approached after I eat a banana in public? Every time.

TM: Alright, spill: what’s your daily beauty routine?

MM: I start with a kale smoothie at 7AM followed by a cocktail of laxatives at 7:15AM. After some yoga, I chillax in the sauna, thinking about which guys I’m going to lead on that day. I call my mom and lie to her about why I missed Sunday brunch, then squeeze in an afternoon nap before my yuppie boyfriend, who I met on Instagram, hits me up for early-evening butt sex. After posting my daily selfie, I fall asleep in my tanning bed at 9PM.

TM: What would be your advice to other ugly girls who want a place in society?

MM: You can have whatever you want in life if you respect yourself enough to get hot. People will care about what you have to say if they can stand to look at you long enough to actually listen. So ladies, do yourself a favor and stop looking like a fucking goat. Don’t waste your time trying to convince people to take interest in your “uniqueness” when there’s only one standard for beauty: an airbrushed face and a tight ass. TM Check out the hideously happy human Monica Molde used to be! EW FACTOR X 100,000,000

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

UGLY BEST FRIEND Make yourself the center of male attention and the object of female envy by investing in your very own Ugly Best Friend! The UBF, which comes complete with stress pimples and hair that just won’t do anything, will automatically make you seem more attractive by comparison. Men will gravitate towards you because you are the lesser of two evils, and women will strike up friendly conversation with you because they can’t look your UBF in the eye. It’s the ego boost that you’ve been desperate for!

CARS for Her

Because regular cars just weren’t made for us.

CARS: they’re loud, greasy, and literally so complicated. Parking them is a pain and merging onto the highway is scarier than that wiry black hair you found in between your eyebrows the other day. But with Cars for Her™, you can look as hot as ever behind the wheel of your dream convertible without the hassle of actually driving! Feel the wind in your hair as you enjoy only the cutest parts of the road in this sleek model!

quiz

IS THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE YOUR SUGAR DADDY OR YOUR ACTUAL DADDY? We all know being a girl is stressful. There are so many things to keep track of—whether it’s the last place you left your pumice stone or remembering to take out a tampon before bed, you’re bound to mix things up every once in a while. Luckily, we’re here to set a few things straight. Take this quiz to figure out if that tall, dark, salt-and-pepper haired someone in your life is the daddy who’s packing you full of both money and man-junk, or your actual biological father. He buys you your first car and expects a hug.

He treats you to dinner because you’re his child and he loves you.

He buys you your first car and expects reverse cowgirl.

He treats you to a five-star meal on a jet because you make him feel young again.

He disciplines you when you sneak out of the house past curfew.

You strive to make him happy because he helped raise you.

He “disciplines” you.

You strive to make him happy because you need that new Fendi bag.

As old as you get, he still likes to call you his little girl. As old as he gets, he still wants you to call him daddy. He’s more understanding than your mom if he catches you smoking pot. He’s more understanding than your mom if he catches you getting butt implants.

If he dies, you’ll be sad and you and your siblings will have to sort out his affairs. If he dies, you’ll be irritated and you’ll have to negotiate with his siblings for your share of the will. You can’t replace him. You can replace him with a quick browse on Craigslist.

If you got MOSTLY PINK: This man is probably your sugar daddy. You better hope that $70 face cream he bought you is effective, because his wallet is only as deep as your complexion is flawless. If you got MOSTLY BLUE: This man is probably your biological father. You should call soon. He worries.

18 THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

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TO 5

Why Being On Top Of Your Man Is Far More Important Than Being On Top Of Your Work Written by Trixie Serial

Illustration by Anna Knighton

ince the creation of the cosmos, the female pastime has been pleasing men. These days, the prestige of this endeavor has been lost in a whirlwind of petty distractions like careers and ambitions...leaving your man without the satisfaction he deserves as your sultry arm-candy! SMH. :( So let’s bring it back to the basics, amirite? Here are a few reasons why you should get off your high horse and hop on his lap instead!

REASON 2: What else would you do with your time? While your man has politics and sports, your only hobby is waiting on him—as it should be! Unfortch, since he’s a fulltime hobby, you’ve got almost no time to groom. But find time, ladies. Cuz he’s been eyeing that slooty secretary of his...she works though, so she doesn’t have time to go to CrossFit and make herself the perfect vision of womanhood like you do!

REASON 1: How else would you buy those new shoes? Your man gets paid more than you do, GF. How are you possibly going to support your shopping addiction? It’s within your best interests to keep his dick wet so when the drool-worthy new Jimmy Choo Spring Collection rolls around, you can be sure he’ll shell out extra to guarantee you’ll still be DTF!

REASON 3: Who do you think you are? If your garage door is closed, he’ll just go park his Porsche somewhere else. TBH, every woman your man encounters will try to sleep with him. He is platinum and you’re, like, gross rust! You’ve somehow attained him though, so you better do all that you can do to keep him. Your Aunt Joan will finally stop asking you why you’re still single! TM THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

TRAUMA ! ! 1 1 ALERT 9

fml

There’s nothing quite like a satisfying dose of piping hot gossip! Our readers revealed their most embarrassing, mortifying, lock-yourself-in-atower-and-never-come-back-down moments.

“I was talking to this adorable football player after gym class one day and I accidentally started a sentence with ‘In my opinion.’ I had to transfer schools!!!” [JENNA F, 16]

“I CAN’T even! Last week I was walking with a boy when we passed a baby and I forgot to say ‘awwww.’ Now he thinks I’m some freak that doesn’t want to have his child!” [NICOLE C, 18]

“I was reading a book and a cute boy walked past and saw that I was literate. How can I EVER show my face in public now?” [KIMMY S, 20]

“I was dumping my neighbor’s dead body in a dumpster and the cop who caught me was SO CUTE! I COULD DIE!!!” [LESLIE K, 18]

“I made direct eye contact with my mailman without asking permission first. Can I EVER leave the house now?!” [SIERRA S, 21]

“I accidentally dropped my physics homework on the ground in French class and now the hottie who sits next to me must think I’m a total geek!! UGH.” [FELICIA G, 20]

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ASK AMY

Advice

Advice even your hairdresser couldn’t give you. Edited by Sexually Confused in Syracuse Illustration by Kristen McNally Photography by Joey Marion

I have a huge crush on the girl who lives next door to me. She’s the goalie on our local field hockey team and I always hear her playing my favorite Beyoncé songs from her apartment. She’s sweet, funny, and wears these adorable vintage dresses I’m totally jealous of. One time, I ran into her at the coffee shop she works at and she guessed my order down to the tee. We have so much in common and I really like her, but I’m afraid to make the first move. What should I do? Sincerely,

Dear Hoping He Notices Me, I come across so many girls with this exact same problem. With my help, you’ll be with the man of your dreams in no time! You say that he plays on a hockey team, so try asking how his latest game went to break the ice. He likes the Dave Matthews Band? Ask him what his favorite song is. Reaffirm his masculinity by telling him he looks great in those vintage button-ups he always wears, especially when he’s working in the lumberyard like you mentioned. However, the most important thing to remember is that he’s the man and everything you do should make him feel macho. Now get on out there and charm his pants off! Stay on fleek, Amy THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

She-Plug Tampons Even the biggest problem can be solved with the right tampon. (And in any case, you’re probably just blowing it out of proportion because you’re PMSing. Seriously, Karen, relax. It’s not even that bad. Do us all a favor and take a Motrin. Christ.)

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

Girl! Your stars sure have aligned this month! Venus and Mars say your love life is looking up. You’re going to bring sexy back, and bring it hard...as soon as you stop crying in the bathroom because Mark brought your best friend to that party last Friday! The planets are orbiting the sun this month. That means Joanne is finally going to get what she deserves...the gazebo in her backyard that she’s waited for all year! Joanne is sure in for a great month! Maybe if you weren’t so lazy, the stars would align for you once in awhile, too! This month you really need to focus on yourself and take a break! Honestly. Those stress zits really aren’t doing you any favors!

Do you smell that, Scorpio? That’s the smell of a fresh start! The new moon indicates there’s a chance you’ll finally peel back those donut-crumb covered sheets, get out of bed and seize the day! Hopefully you’ll go to the gym because how do you expect to be accepted back into polite society looking like that? All work and no play makes Sagittarius dull girl, so treat yo’self! You deserve a relaxing spa day. Joanne is going to a resort in Punta Cana next weekend, but booking a bikini wax that local low-end salon is definitely the next best thing! The planets have been talking a lot of shit behind your back, but what else is new?

WHORE-OSCOPES YOUR SHORTCOMINGS, AS TOLD BY THE COSMOS

The stars say this month will be perfect. You’ll finally get that promotion you’ve been eyeing at work! With that extra money, do yourself a favor and glam up with some new makeup from one of our sponsors so you’re no longer the eyesore of the office!

You’ve been upset lately and the stars know why: your neighbor Joanne’s bean dip was a huge hit at the barbeque last week and no one ate your disgusting coleslaw. How did you mess up coleslaw? Venus says everything you touch turns to gross!

Neptune is in the 4th house this month, so it’s time to ditch those toxic friendships! I don’t want to name names, but Maddie’s acted like a real bitch lately so I think maybe we should make a new group chat without her.

The Andromeda Galaxy will crash into the Milky Way in four billion years. You know what that means—YOLO, chica! This month you’re finally going to have the courage to ask your crush out and take that rejection like a champ!

Organization and sensibility will reward you in terms of finance this month. Except Joanne’s husband is putting in a pool next week and they’ll probably have more people at their fab Fourth of July block party than you will! Again!

Just don’t get out of bed. We’re begging you!

Interpreted by Venus Uranus & Fuscia Nebula Artwork by Anna Knighton

THE MOLD | SPRING 2015

SWAP We know you hate your body.

Introducing SWAP: Extract your soul from your original body and insert it into our fabulous new prototype glam-bod! Leave your old life behind and go forth behind a mask of fabricated beauty and slay, girlfriend! Slay!!