Extract from R’n’J: The Untold Story of Shakespeare’s Roz and Jules - Carmina Bernhardt

Act 2, Scene 1

chorus: Now two who once were naught but family, Have left a trail of carnage in their wake, Their small and peaceful lives turned tragedy, No time to divide their common heart’s ache. Now Romeo is most dead, and Dead again, Within the women’s hearts where he will lie, The Grief remains, e’en when the thoughts condemn, And Time and Air, the fallen tears do dry. Being thrust together out in the cold, With looks full matched in fear and jealousy, To search for Truth in messages they’ve been sold, And, shit, deal with a teenage pregnancy. Our Roz and Jules shall venture far from Home, In hope they can possess their Inner Throne.

roz and jules have been hiding out in the woods for the past two weeks.

roz: God! You are so annoying! Just for a little while, Jules. We’ll wear masks and come up with fake names. Woods Glamping is super great, but I would like to see some other people now, in the city. It’s Mantua. We don’t know anyone here and no one knows us! And you have been such a grump lately. Are you PMS-ing or something?

roz: Don’t you want to celebrate your day? And drink till we puke and puke to drink more? You’re only fourteen, don’t be such a bore!

jules: O, don’t say puke, it’s all I can not to Nope, it’s coming –

jules pukes in to a bin bag.

roz: That was our last bin bag. Did you start the scotch whisky without me?

jules: O, don’t say whisky –

jules pukes.

roz: Gross! What’s wrong with you?

jules: I feel sick. And weird. And fat. And dischargy.

roz: Maybe you’re pregnant! Ha! Happy Birthday!

jules is silent.

Omigod, did Rom’yo slip you the D? I’d WebMed your symps, but, dead battery. Fell in a vortex of survival how-tos.

jules: I have a vial I took off Romeo. Here. It says: Apothecary Po – purveyor of fine tortoise shells, alligators stuffed, and all sizes of the world-renowned green earthen pots of Northern Italy, perfect for storing hemp and/or cannabis light for those discerning

collectors that will neither swallow nor smoke it, 'cause that’s totally illegal in Italy. An address! 1111B Greenwood Lane, North Mantua, Italy. Closed on holy days; yell loudly when closed and I’ll open anyway, 'cause that’s the kind of helpful Apoth I aim to be. @Apoth.po #apoth #greenearthenpots #gotyourdramfam

roz: Impressive amount of text on one vial.

jules: The writing is small, but it is so writ. Perhaps he does as he says: got my dram.

Act 2, Scene 2

roz and jules approach the apothecary’s shop. An abortion pro-lifer stands nearby with a sign that reads: a bun in the oven

is already a bun.

pro-lifer: Choose wombs, not tombs! Choose wombs, not tombs!

roz: What ho, apothecary

apothecary enters

apothecary: Who calls so loud?

pro-lifer: Apothecary Po does abortions. Pray for him.

apothecary: O, get a job.

apothecary opens an umbrella to shield roz from the pro-lifer. They move aside.

pro-lifer: Can I give you a gift? ‘Tis Lammastide, celebrate the bounty that lives inside! pro-lifer hands jules a small corn dolly.

You don’t have to do this. I can help you. I can help you with food, rent, childcare. Your baby has a heartbeat. And the little folds that will soon be her tongue. Let me help you.

apothecary shoos the pro-lifer away with the umbrella.

I don’t want to save your baby; I want to help you raise a child.

jules: I’m not pregnant, I’m hormonal and nauseous.

pro-lifer exits saying blessings to the audience and handing out rosemary.

pro-lifer: Celebrate the bounty! Blessings of Lammas! Thrive your first fruits! May your fruits be fruitful! Break bread, not babies! Choose wombs, not tombs!

apothecary: Will you be needing the full package, then?

roz: We might indeed, Sir. For my good coz Cap. She is suffering greatly with nausea, And I from her gas and terrible mood.

jules: She jests, I’m fine and deffo not preggo.

apothecary hugs her.

apothecary: Yup, fully preggo. Funny, you’re the spitting image of another young Cap. Wait, you’re not cops, are you? Mantua’s new laws forbid I provide any such medical care for any young peanut in your predic.

roz: We’re not cops. caps from Ve-nice! Capuchin. Venetians of the great Capuchin fam.

apothecary: Capuchin, you say? Strange. You are made of the mould of a Capulet I did know; sad story it was, married (barely scraping out of childhood) to an aggressive old beast, fell in love with his nephew (and others, if you take any note of prattling gossip, which I certainly do not), and forced to end the proof on more than one occasion, I can say. My, that Verona, quite the dramas coming out of there! Why, there was even a young man, not but a fortnight and odd days ago, did head off in that direction with a vial of my hardest stuff, leaving me enriched with a cool forty ducats! Quite rude though, uncouth, pushy, full to the brim with assumptions of my...

roz: Thank you, yes, the full package, my good Sir.

apothecary: Yes, of course. Here’s the one! Drink this for the full package. The nausea will increase, but soon pass, as it were.

jules: What if I take this dram, but then change my mind?

apothecary: You can’t, for there’s the reason for the dram, fam.

jules: How if, when I take the dram, but change my mind, I vomit it straight, will then it be stopped?

jules: Shall I not then take a moment to think? How long can I wait, before it won’t work?

apothecary: Earlier is better, my sweet young squirt, But, it is your life to give o’er or not, Your womb is your own, not a garden to plot.

jules: Or what if I-

roz: Alack! Alack! Dear Coz, We have ta’en up most of his holy day.

jules: Indeed, let’s away.

apothecary: Before you do, dear Caps, take this on the casa, In case the future you choose to saluti, Recommends folic acids, mother’s duty.