ADVICE

IF A JOB NEEDS DOING

MARRIAGES HAVE ENDED OVER PILES OF LAUNDRY, DISHES LEFT TO DRAIN AND WHO PUTS THE RUBBISH OUT.

It may take many years for the combined effects of one partner not doing their share,and the realisation that it’s too late to change things now, to prompt someone walking out. And housework might not be the only factor in a marriage breakup. But years of imbalance in that area can eventually tip the scales too far.

Couples in the 21st century havefar less of a gender-based approach to the traditional ‘who-does-what’than our grandparents had Small point here; if at any time you’ve detected a hint of such old-fashioned bias in your relationshipconsider how it might become a real problem once love is no longer blind.

The issuenow is not who should do what, but who is best able to do a task. This will be based on talents, work and family demands, health concerns and all out unselfishness. But never imagine that just because one of you has always taken care of a certain job or project that is how it will always be. Circumstances can change, sometimes quite suddenly, sometimes more gradually.

For this reason, taking turns at the nice and nasty jobs, and sharing everything, where practical,not only lightens the load but will be essential if there are changes in your partner’s health or circumstances.

Your priority from day one is to decide the best ways to keeping your home as you like it, bearing in mind that men and women do not necessarily see mess, or the methods for dealing with it, the same way. Sorry, but this is a fact. It’s no use expecting some people to automatically clear up as they go along when they either don’t notice what needs to be done, or are still feeling the self-satisfying glow of completing a previous chore and consider that’s it for today.

It is generally accepted that men expect to be asked if something needs doing, and here you have to establish your own boundaries for when asking becomes nagging.

Women, on the other hand, can never understand how a man cannot see what needs to be done and just do it, without being asked.

Women’s reputation for multi-taskingputs them at a disadvantage since they are naturally expected to complete far more in a day than men. Men, however have a tendency to spin out a job far longer than necessary, either because they are super efficient, or because they are spectacularly inefficient. They are also more likely to spend a lot of time afterwards drawing attention to the completed job, and less time than necessary clearing up, thoroughly.

Everyone has different priorities when it comes to what needs doing in your home and outside it. The real problems appear when one person feels they have to do an unfair share of it all. When this crops up there should be a discussion based not on what seems to be unfair but on how much the other person realises you have on your plate, work and time wise, compared with their own situation. Simply understanding who is putting the most of their non-working time into the house could help couples divide what needs doing,and the time they spend on it, more equally.

Like everything in a relationship managing your home needs support. Do as many of the everyday jobs as possible together. Plan bigger things well, look forward to them, do them because you will achieve something you seriously need,or have always wanted. Don’t put things off until you are both fed up and furious and they never get done. That is a sure way to build resentment. Promise yourselves a treat for when it’s finished and crack on.

Finally, no one likes what they do being taken for granted, or being told that something they have put a lot of time and effort into has been done wrong. Show appreciation for what each other does, now and again.

And remember, whatever you put into the care and maintenance of your home is also a sign of your love for each other and that’s always worth working for.