mediocrist the
You’re Independent Stupid Newspaper
SPOOF ISSUE
Including:
Killer!
Spring/Summer Celebrating
Lethbridge History
Fashion Spread
All About the
Showgirls Union
Girl gets
Kim Jong-un needs attention
TLF! For the week of Thursday, April 4th, 2013 • Volume 46, Issue 27
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 02
Campus Beat News Features Entertainment Top Story Opinion Sports Lifestyle TLFs Procrastination Students’ Union Classifieds The Meliorist: Mel-io-rism (meel’e riz’m) the doctrine that the world tends to become better or may be made better by human effort
5 6-7 8 - 11 12 - 15 16 - 17 18 20 21 - 23 24 25 26 - 27 30 An autonomous body, separate from the U of L Students’ Union SU-166, 4401 University Drive West, Lethbridge, AB, T1K 3M4 Phone: 403-329-2334 www.themeliorist.ca
Business Manager
Kelti Boissonneault Editor-in-Chief Opinions Editor einc@themeliorist.ca
b.manager@themeliorist.ca Creative Director/ Ad Manager/ Production Manager
Brandon Wallis
ad.manager@themeliorist.ca Photo/ Podcast Editor
Jon Martin
p.editor@themeliorist.ca
Ryan Macfarlane
Features Editor f.editor@themeliorist.ca
Art Department Assistant/ Social Media Coordinator
Sam Loewen Copy Editor
James Forbes Staff Writer/ Distribution Manager
Matt Baird
Travis Robinson
Sports & Lifestyle Editor s.editor@themeliorist.ca
Design Assistants
Myles Havinga Nico Koppe
Account Representative
Kristy Jahn-Smith
account.rep@themeliorist.ca Webmaster
Chris Morris
Leyland Bradley The Meliorist is the student newspaper of the University of Lethbridge, published most Thursdays throughout the academic year by The Meliorist Publishing Society, an autonomous incorporated body. Please address all correspondence to The Meliorist, 4401 University Drive, Lethbridge Alberta, T1K 3M4, or drop it off at room SU-166. Deadline for submissions is Friday at 4 p.m. The Meliorist appreciates and encourages the writing of thoughtful, concise, timely letters. However, the Meliorist will only consider for publication those letters that are signed by the author. Special arrangements may be made for those wishing anonymity, but absolutely no pseudonyms. Letters should contain the author’s legible name, address, telephone number, and student identification number. The address, ID and phone number will not be published. The Meliorist reserves the right to edit submissions and will not print libelous material. Letters may be edited for brevity, clarity, and legality.
Nelson Chin
Campus Beat & News Editor n.editor@themeliorist.ca
Printing
Southern Alberta Newspaper Group Cartoonist
Leyland Bradley Podcast Assistant
Andrew Martin
Maggie Kogut
Entertainment Editor e.editor@themeliorist.ca
Contributors
Andrew McCutcheon Rob Dowell Cover
Jon Martin Brandon Wallis
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 05
Student gets
TLF written about
her
feels validated Pronounced Lay-lend Bradley Campus Beat Editor
Second year student Heather Frasier said she was overjoyed two weeks ago when she noticed a TLF could only have been written about her. “It said ‘to the blonde in Neuro 2600- single? theirs always room in my schedule for you.’ I knew it was me. For one thing, I’m really hot. And I’m in Neuro 2600. It’s evident it’s me.” Frasier says she’s hopeful it was directed from a particular young man that appears to be always sitting right next to her every class. Frasier is convinced that the young man is just a little nervous, but he’s only waiting for the perfect moment to tell her how he feels. “Sometimes he laughs when I say
something funny. One time he asked to borrow a pen and never even used it. He uses a Mac!” “I mean, I’m kind of a blonde, naturally. I’ve coloured my hair black since grade 11. He probably saw my roots and was like, ‘aw yeah.’” Even though the object of affection in question is not explicitly directed towards a female from a male, Frasier says it's her “time to shine” and “right now, the forecast says sunny all-day long.” When asked what Frasier will do to reciprocate the affections of the boy she sits next to, Frasier says a TLF response is likely the only way to go. “Amiright? As if I’m going to talk to
him. I don’t want to have that kind of pressure. At least, not yet. I will strike when the oven is hot.” This reporter is sure she means “iron.” In the meantime, Frasier will bide her time by choosing to ignore the boy. “He’s actually not even cute. I don’t think I like him, but – I mean, whatever, right? I’m only in my second year and I got a TLF! Take that, mom and dad! A liberal arts education does pay off!” “I realize there’s like, two weeks of class left or something. I should probably get on to writing that TLF.” The suspected author of the TLF, third year student Michael Shaw, says he doesn’t know what the fuck a TLF
is. “No, I didn’t write it. The girl I sit next to is nice enough. I did hear someone mention something last class about a ‘teal eff’ and something to do with a blonde. I mean, I’m blonde – maybe this ‘teal eff’ is about me. Is that a good thing? Who are these people who write them? Should I be worried?” Shaw has since moved one row away from Frasier. Frasier mistakes this move to mean Shaw is “playing hard to get.” “I’ve got pens for borrow. And hilarious stories about what I do on my weekends. He’ll be back.”
Price is Right
showgirl demands
union for reality TV/game
show assistants Leyland Bradley News Editor
There are more than 30,000 reality television shows and game shows worldwide, with more than 600 game show hosts and game show assistants to share between them. About 30 new game shows, including reality television shows are aired every television season. For one showgirl from the Price is Right, the work available for showgirls and game show assistants is never stable. Miranda Carson has been working as a Price is Right showgirl for nearly 27 years, but her career as a showgirl hasn’t always been smooth. “The rate at which new shows pop up on every television network is incredible. There are lots of showgirls and show assistants to go around for every show, but not enough to keep the pace with every new reality television show or gameshow.” Carson is among many in the business to try to organize a union specifically for showgirls and game show assistants. Their hope is that a union will protect their jobs from the constant turnover of shitty shows they seek employment in. Carson says she has managed to keep afloat by doing some
on-the-side modeling jobs, as well as trying her hand at releasing an album. Carson says the career of a showgirl gets harder every year as demands for brand new shows increases. “I used to have a spot on the show Upholster this Couch! as one of the girls carrying the cards in the ring at every round. The show didn’t do so well. I don’t know why. Maybe because it aired at like 4 p.m. or something. Taste Test Island did better in the ratings. So did season four of Hot Hottie McHotterson would Like a Life Partner Now, Please, but I think that success was due in part to the great line-up of shows when it aired. Any show sandwiched between Kawps and TLC’s Newest Attempt at Portraying Some Marginalized Group in a Pseudo-Sensitive Light is a guaranteed hit. People love feeling better about themselves at the expense of others.” Carson says the reason for a constant introduction of new game shows and reality televisions shows is due to the general public demanding more shitty entertainment to fill up their sad, empty lives. Television networks around the world are forced to pump out more bullshit every chance they get in order to keep
people sedated. With competition from the internet, it’s no wonder professional television game show assistants feel thrown into an unstable market. “If I get hired to clap and present prizes on a show, I have to understand that unless there’s enough annoying, random activity happening on a regular basis, that show will get cancelled. I have to understand that no matter how petty the attempts at keeping the audience’s attention might be – whether that means filming in exotic locations, or forcing young and sexy people to do trivial things – the efforts start to run thin. There’s only so much terrible material and silly storylines to keep relaying over and over.” When asked if her line of work is really any less awful than most garbage on the internet, Carson says her job is only a job, and if throwing on a pair of heels and standing next to refrigerators means making a living, Carson says she’s more than happy to keep working. “A girl’s gotta eat,” she shrugs. “And I love my job. It’s great pay, it’s a lot of fun, and I think it was the best decision since I got my graduate degree in political science. It’s a nice
break from school. I’ve thought about going back though. We’ll see.” Carson has been working alongside other veteran showgirl and gameshow assistant to get the union off the ground. Currently there are more than a hundred others willing to volunteer their time to see a showgirl/game show assistant union become a reality. “We’re hopeful we can get this started. There are men and women working in this sector that are worried about how much lower the quality of entertainment will get before they say no more. We work very hard at our jobs.” What about the gameshow hosts? Carson says the total number of hosts range in the five to six headcount. “They get recycled for every show. When it comes to television gameshow hosts, the networks like to stick with what works. Being a gameshow host is a much more secure job.” Carson admits her group has a long way to go before they see their dream of forming a union become a reality, but Carson is certain their hard work will pay off. “We’re tired of always feeling in limbo between jobs. But I think we can make this work.”
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 07
New phenomenon shows
youth ‘coming out’ in a whole new way
Leyland Bradley News Editor
A recent rise in young people wearing articles of clothing sporting the word “SWAG” has some experts and community members commenting on the bravery these young people have shown in “coming out.” SWAG, or “secretly we are gay,” has its origins in the 1960s as San Francisco residents conjured up a way to communicate their sexual orientation in a subtle way. Hence, SWAG became the message for many in the gay community to communicate their sexual orientation among the larger, heteronormative community. Professor of socio-linguistics Dr. Roger Marshall of the University of Alberta says the wearing of the word SWAG is new for this generation, as other generations before it would verbalize their sexual orientation. “It’s
interesting to see this in action. Young people these days may have a harder time finding just the right words to express who they are. Thankfully, their clothes can do the talking for them.” The millennial generation is known for its use of alternative communication. Acronyms such as “YOLO,” “LOL,” and “STFU” have, in some cases, replaced speech entirely. “It’s when we can notice young people choosing to make a statement such as ‘SWAG’ that society should start paying attention – there is a message in this. Young men and women are opening up. We should applaud them.” Indeed, these young people are showing up everywhere to spread their message of love and tolerance. Derek Knight, owner of the local night-
club The Mop & Bucket says he’s noticed the new trend too, and he hopes it stays. “These kids roll into the club – they’re quite jazzy, you know? They’ve definitely got something about them – a sort of confidence that’s different from the other kids. And the SWAG kids all hang together, sort of like a family. I guess you could call them brothers – or bros, for short. Yeah… bros. That’s perfect.” As SWAG is showing up on more clothing, it’s also making its mark on social media. #SWAG was one of the highest rated trending tweets for three straight weeks back in July 2012. SWAG messages have made their way into common lexicon as well. To mention that one possesses “swag” or “swagger” is to assert one’s categori-
cal, sexual orientation. Phrases like “I’ve got swag” and “I forgot to turn my swag off and I woke up covered in bitches.” Indeed, SWAG is becoming more common every day. “Secretly we are gay” is not so secret anymore. When asked their thoughts on why they choose to wear their identity on their chest, one U of L student replied, “What? I’m not – this isn’t, like, my shirt doesn’t mean that. What?” Surely this young SWAG-er, or “bro” can expect a brighter future, one filled with tolerance and love. Maybe someday bros everywhere will find it within them to overcome their fears and verbally declare their true selves to others.
The
Opus hates you, because you don’t read it Currently, I am conducting an interview for what will likely be the most bizarre piece I will write for the Meliorist. The subject of the interview is the Opus, “the competing shadow paper to the Meliorist.” Its Editor-in-Chief is Olivier O’Brien, who has invited me to his office on the ninth level of U Hall. I’m surprised by the invitation; I’ve certainly never heard of this paper before. The competing shadow paper? That sounds like something straight out of bad fiction. Regardless, I feel compelled by my duty to provide the students with stories about their campus. As I step onto the ninth level, I dread that this may be one story that would have been better left untold.
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 09
Ryan Macfarlane Features Editor
The office of the Opus is highly disorganized. In fact, I’m fairly certain it’s a storage closet. Olivier is sitting behind his desk, which is overflowing with loose paper. “It’s the truth, which never stops.” I’m not sure what Olivier means by that, but I choose to ignore it, for now. At the moment, I’m more curious as to why I’ve never heard of this paper before. I ask Olivier if this is an actual paper, and not just an odd joke at my expense. He seems to take a little offense to my question, and he responds that his paper “is certainly not a joke.” I’m surprised that I’ve never heard of this paper. If it’s possible, Olivier is far more surprised that I haven’t. "I don't know how you haven't read a copy yet; they're all over campus."
“” It’s the truth, which never stops
Alright, maybe it is my own ignorance that has kept me in the dark about this publication. I’m still confused about why I was invited for this interview in the first place, but Olivier seems unwilling to answer that yet. I decide to try another angle, and I ask him who is involved with the paper. Olivier thinks for a few moments, and then he says that he must remain silent on that. Apparently they’ve had trouble lately for some of their publications, and it’s been hard to retain staff unless they remain anonymous. "We already lost an editor when we printed our Stephen Harper: Red Menace edition." Olivier justifies his hiding information from me, because he accuses me of not publishing the truth. “You work for the Meliorist, which doesn’t publish the truth like we do.” He follows this comment quickly with a “red commissar,” which I suppose is directed at me. He doesn’t stop there, though, and hurls more insults in my direction. I try to remain professional, and ask Olivier what the Opus has been doing on campus lately. During the last student election, apparently, the
Opus ran a referendum question, which asked the students to approve a transfer of half of the Meliorist budget over to the Opus, because "for too long, though the Meliorist has had the pretense of being a student voice, they're just another tool of the gay-liberal media." The what? “The gay-liberal media. The Meliorist is part of the gay-liberal agenda, in league with Fox News and the Associated Press.” I have serious thoughts about cutting off this interview now. I can’t actually believe Olivier is stating this without any hint of irony. He doesn’t seem to notice my hesitation, though, and continues his thought. He is confused why the question received a zero per cent student return rate, but he can justify this, too. "It merely shows how enthralled the students of this university already are – slaves only to the senses." The interview isn’t without its incomprehensible moments. At one point, Olivier seems to forget that I’m sitting in the room with him, and he begins to rant. “We resent the latte sipping, Macbook-wielding, liberal-elite, who have hijacked this place of learning of inheritance for the great legacy of the West. Their three-day neckbeards and flannel shirts are pathetic attempts to evoke the masculinity of the blue collar workman.” Ignoring this, I continue with my questions. Since I’ve never seen any issues of the Opus before, I ask Olivier if I could see the most recent one, to which he readily complies. I watch as he steps out from behind his desk, opens one of the tall filing cabinets, and methodically goes through the papers contained within. It seems like he’s almost luxuriating in the memory of past publications. Finally, he pulls out the most recent issue of the Opus and hands it to me. The paper is of pathetic quality, and I’m horrified by the headlines on the cover. Underneath the name “The Opus” is the phrase “The Authoritative Voice on Authoritarianism.” I ask Olivier about the thought process behind this subtitle. He smiles, and says it was a close winner. Other considerations were, “Rescuing the Drooling Drones
From the People's Republic of Canada,” which he later used as the title to one issue’s feature spreads, and “The Next Logical Step From the Sun.” He proudly concludes, “That one was my personal favourite.” I flip through the issue to get a sense of what concerns the Opus. I’m barely able to read anything printed here, and I can’t imagine they have any readership, but the Opus imagines itself to be vital to campus life. To this end, they’ve planned many events throughout the remainder of this semester, with at least one each week. "We have an event scheduled next week. We plan on forming human chains around the defibrillators on campus because they represent socialized medicine. We hope one day soon to make them coin operated." I’m not willing to argue with Olivier at this point, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember events like that on campus. Who would participate in something like that anyway? Olivier sees my incredulous look, which prompts me to ask him if he thinks these events reflect student concerns on campus. He counters this by saying that he's ahead of student concerns. “We know what the students need before they do.” Apparently these events aren’t
“” We would introduce a student survivalist course with a fully equipped shooting range
enough for the Opus, though. “Currently, we’re running a campaign to expand the removal of library materials from only unused duplicates to all printed material. With the extra space, we would introduce a student survivalist course with a fully equipped shooting range." Olivier sees the proximity of the university to the coulees as a
real benefit, because they would offer the perfect place to practice the skills learned in such a course. I try to thank Olivier for his time, but honestly, I’m not sure what I’m thankful for, exactly. At any rate, the feelings seem to be mutual. "Being part of the Ministry of Truth, I know you're going to make a franken-interview of my words. I'm sure you won't even run my opinions on the secret hormonal program on campus." At least that’s one thing we agree on. Going through the recording after this interview, I will realize, to my utter dismay, how little of it is actually printable. I will cut the majority of the conversation from the final version of my article, but that will not prevent me from questioning my part in this interview. I will finally ask, after long tormented nights, “why would I write such a thing?”
The
demon butcher of Lethbridge Ryan Macfarlane Features Editor
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 11
a university student’s connection with the past In the old, pioneering days of Lethbridge, people came from all over Canada and the Old World to settle here. Back in those days, Lethbridge was known for its beer, its whisky, and its red-light district. Lethbridge was a bustling town in its youth, and anyone enterprising enough could make a living doing just about anything. One such enterprising young man was Billy Boucher (pronounced Boo-Shay) who came from a poor upbringing in the heart of a forest somewhere on the border between Ontario and Quebec. His dream was to establish his very own butcher shop, which he did upon arriving in Lethbridge. Within no time at all, his shop became the most frequented in Lethbridge, and it soon became a mark of distinction in old-time Lethbridge to be eating meat purchased from Billy. Tragically, one day Billy fled town when it was discovered that his meat came from human sources. I had the chance recently to sit down with Pauline Boulanger, a descendant of Billy Boucher, to talk about her great-great-great grandfather’s legacy. I was lucky enough to be introduced to Pauline through a mutual friend who told me about Pauline’s desire to revive her ancestor’s story. For our interview, we chose the old building that used to, in the early days of Lethbridge, house Billy’s butcher shop. Now the building is abandoned and decrepit. I first ask Pauline how she came to learn of her connection to Billy Boucher. “It was all thanks to the history courses I took at the U of L. If it wasn’t for my education, I’d never have developed an interest in my own history.” A few years ago, as part of work-study course credit, Pauline took an internship at the Galt Museum, where during her lunch break she would go through old Lethbridge records. “I came upon this guy named Billy Boucher, and I thought, ‘that name sounds really familiar.’ I didn’t realize it at first, but I remembered that my Grandma’s maiden name was Boucher.” In this first record, Pauline found a clipping from an early Lethbridge Herald that told of
witnesses who saw a man flee from a building with a leg missing. “Apparently, investigators afterward found out that it was Billy Boucher who had chopped off this guy’s leg.” It came to light shortly afterward that Billy Boucher was using human parts in the meat he sold from his butcher shop. Investigators concluded that if it wasn’t for this single escapee, the revelation surrounding Billy Boucher might never have come to light. I wonder if it disturbs Pauline to know that she’s connected so intimately with such a gruesome figure. “Actually, it’s kind of exciting, you know? I mean, people always say Lethbridge is a boring place, but clearly it’s just as exciting as London or Paris.” I see Pauline’s eyes light up. “In fact, since finding out all these things about Billy, I’ve been trying to revive his legacy – make a little Lethbridge pride.” What Pauline would like to see is a holiday dedicated to her ancestor. “He’s like our very own Demon Barber of Fleet Street. How cool is that?” Pauline suggests the first of April. “There aren’t any holidays then, usually, right? Why not make it a day to celebrate Lethbridge?” This seems to me like a story straight out of fiction, but I’m willing to indulge Pauline to let her tell me about Billy Boucher. “So back in the old days in Lethbridge – you know, when it was still mostly rum-running and coal-mining – lots of people started to move here to set up a home. I think they probably liked the lack of laws and the cheap land prices.” During this time, businesses sprung up all over the place. Lethbridge grew, seemingly overnight, from a blip on the not-yet-invented radar to a bustling town, with a population nearing 1,000 residents. As the town grew, myths and urban legends began to spring up. Of course, most residents just ignored them as the penny-dreadfuls they thought they were. One of these legends was about people disappearing secretly in the night, only to become slices of meat being sold the next morning out of all the butcher shops in Lethbridge. There wasn’t much the police could do to investigate, because they often had their
hands full in the red-light district. Interestingly, there was even a poem that circulated around the town about one jealous unnamed butcher killing a man over a woman. Pauline locates the poem for me amongst the various notes she was collected. “This poem is really interesting. It’s actually about a cowboy who comes to town to clear out the rum-runners. It’s a really long poem, like eight pages or something. The poem ends with a butcher chopping up the cowboy in a fight over a girl. That’s the only part people in Lethbridge remembered. It was actually, like, a song that people used to sing.” I ask Pauline if she can sing me those lines. “All a-tremblin’ at the sight, The noble cowboy turned to fight, But that Frenchy caught him with his knife, And carved himself a tender bite. He didn’t stop with just one hack, But gave his lips a sinful smack, And with great glee, complete revery, He took some bacon off the back.” Pauline sits with a slight glow recounting those lines. “It really gives Lethbridge a lot of romance, don’t you think? I mean, only the most famous cities in the world have stories like this.” I think I’m curious enough to ask Pauline now about what actually happened to Billy Boucher that day in history. “Well, it’s like I said. Billy Boucher ran a butcher shop in Lethbridge, right? Well, apparently, according to these records I found, he used to find random people from the town to chop up for the meat that he sold. Like, this one record says that Billy had this drinking friend he made in the saloon. They were seen almost every night there together. Billy invites him back to the shop after a night of drinking, this one night, to see the knives, I guess, or something, and then the guy isn’t heard from again.” Disappearances like these were common throughout Lethbridge, and investigations never went anywhere, because there was never any evidence
of a body. “People must have thought, back then, that these people who disappeared left town to find new work. Really, it was only coal mining, so I probably would have left.” Eventually, Billy either slipped up, or one of his victims got lucky, because, as the first document that Pauline showed me says, residents of Lethbridge saw a legless man fleeing from Billy’s shop. “That detail always seemed odd to me. Why wouldn’t he kill the people before carving their meat. The conclusion I’ve come to is, I think it was to keep the meat tender. Everyone from the time said that Billy’s butcher shop had the best meat in town, so he must have known what he was doing.” Even though I still can’t quite believe the story Pauline has been telling me, I’m fascinated by her enthusiasm for Billy’s legacy. I ask Pauline what events she has been planning to celebrate this figure from Lethbridge’s history. “I have this really great idea for next year. I mean, it’s too late this year, because it’s April first today, already, but next year I want to host an outdoor festival. It would be, like, a renaissance fair, but only, with old-time Lethbridge. You know, people would come dressed up in big skirts, and tall hats, and things like that.” Pauline really hopes that the event will celebrate Billy Boucher. “Any historical Lethbridge figures, really, but I want to celebrate Billy particularly, because I know his story really well. I was thinking, I could bake meat pies – that was one of his specialties, actually – and people could eat them and really get a feel for what Lethbridge used to be like.” The sun is starting to set, and the last rays poke through the crumbling walls of the building we have been sitting in for the last two hours. Pauline thanks me for the interview. “I really just want everyone to know about this story, because I really believe it’s important to know your heritage, or else, how can you know yourself?”
United Press International
Your shit sucks
Andrew McCutcheon
The Beatles
Trying to deconstruct The Beatles in a way that is anything but relentlessly positive is like trying to make jokes about cancer. Before you even start your attempt, everyone is already in the opposite camp based on principle alone. However, I think that alongside religion and politics, popular culture is obligated to have its sacred cows questioned and criticized constantly. I guess that makes me Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses when I say the following: if you say that The Beatles are your favourite band, you really need to re-think how you approach your consumption of music as a whole. Let me begin this by saying that by no means are The Beatles shit. In fact, far from it. I also will not argue that The Beatles are overrated. They are deserving of all the accolades they have received. They undoubtedly revolutionized the way in which we consume, produce and view music in the 20th century and by all accounts, more or less invented what we now know to be modern rock and roll. To
those who would argue that rock was invented around a decade earlier by Rocket 88, I would agree that, sonically, yes you would be correct, but The Beatles transcended sound alone and would come to define what rock meant aesthetically, culturally and most importantly, how rock music felt. They defined a generation with their music. We can all agree on that, yes? Yes? Good. Moving on. Despite all of their revolutionary and inventive tendencies, however, I still can’t understand why people to this day often cite them as their favourite band. It seems to be such a middle-of-the-road choice for music that really has not aged well. I honestly cannot get through the listening of a Beatles album without the distinct feeling of boredom. I mean, does anyone put The Beatles on when they want to rock out? When they really want to enjoy the act of listening to music? Who sits down and drums on their steering wheel, air guitars around their apartment, or dances alone in
Entertainment Contributor
their room to goddamn “I Want to Hold Your Hand”?! I know I’m cherry picking songs, but when I look at their discography, I see maybe a handful of tracks that would inspire such elation, and compared to some of their contemporaries, this will just not do. Take The Who for example. They have comparable songs when it comes to the lyricism many often cite as the best aspect of The Fab Four. “Behind Blue Eyes” would feel right at home between “While my Guitar Gently Weeps” and “Happiness is a Warm Gun” on the White Album, if not aesthetically, certainly lyrically. People might wonder how Ringo became talented in the interim period, but I digress. So yes, talent-wise, The Beatles had comparable contemporaries in the avenues of lyrics, aesthetics, and musicianship, yet they are remembered most for the innovation and the cult-of-personality they fostered. The latter is a non-issue, as their images were just as carefully constructed as
any modern celebutant you might find on MTV nowadays. The former is the one I take most issue with. The effect that a band may have had on inspiring future musicians should be unrelated to your actual enjoyment of their music. I look at The Beatles and I see chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Yes, they were one of the first, and yes, their best aspects are used in combination with a multitude of other flavours that would come later. Yet, what do you think of a person who walks into an ice cream shop with 100 flavors and orders vanilla? It’s the same thing I think of someone when they tell me The Beatles is their favourite band. If you are listening to something simply because you understand its importance in the broader scheme of cultural creation, you might as well go listen to some Gregorian Chants. But of course you won’t. Because that shit is boring, that shit is old, and that shit sucks.
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 13
Meliorist fires volunteer contributor Maggie Kogut
Entertainment Editor Recently Single (Fellas…) This past week, the Meliorist was forced to let go of a volunteer contributor for personal attacks and heresy. The contributor wrote a piece childishly titled “Your Shit Sucks – The Beatles.” In the article the contributor claims that “The Beatles [are] shit. In fact […] I also will […] argue that The Beatles are overrated.” This fecal-inspired criticism sparked controversy with the University of Lethbridge Beatles Association, an organization committed to the protection of all things Beatles. “We cannot condone this sort of rampant anti-Beatle mania. This has been a very trying week for all of us. No one deserves this sort of discrimination. Maybe Ringo… but
certainly not the other three!” Along with the erroneous attacks against all-time musical legends, the contributor also claims the power of Descartes: “Trying to deconstruct The Beatles in a way that is anything but relentlessly positive is like trying to make jokes about cancer.” The contributor then continues on to “deconstruct” The Beatles. To what? To prove their existence? Descartes claimed a creative license for deconstruction in the 17th century – to claim that right either with The Beatles or with cancer is punishable by law, something the Meliorist cannot risk in a volunteer. “The Meliorist cannot risk its priestine reputation for the sake of
one article,” says a Meliorist representative. The contributor was not available for comment, but an exclusively anonymous source says “His poisonous anger towards the Beatles can be attributed to his sexual frustration and inability in pleasing the opposite sex.” The article not only wrongfully insults The Beatles, but also Martin Luther, Rocket 88, The Who, MTV, as well as vanilla and chocolate ice cream, and Gregorian Chants. Following a plethora of complaints, the contributor will be moving to Liverpool “for safety reasons,” says the anonymous source… “I never want to see him again! The Beatles are
one of my favourite bands! And I love vanilla ice cream! I will use all my powers as editor to make sure he never forgets this!” Rightly offended by the article, as many are, the anonymous source continued on, “Also! He told me he’d go see Les Misérables with me three different times, and cancelled every single time. Who does that? OH, oh wait! Who actually enjoys the Beatles? I DO!” Beatlemania forever.
Téléfrançais introduit les ananas dans les cauchemars de plusieurs enfants TVfrench introduces the pineapples in the nightmares of many kids Maggie Kogut
Entertainment Editor « Je suis un ananas! » Ceci est une phrase célèbre dans le monde de Téléfrançais, émission de télé pour les enfants créée dans les 1980s. Visionner une émission de Téléfrançais chaque vendredi était un grand cadeau durant mes années à l’école élémentaire. Les seules parties des émissions que je comprenais durant ce temps de naïveté et innocence étaient la chanson thème (« Téléfrançais! Téléfrançais! Bonjour! Allo! Salut! ») ainsi que le fait que dans les junkyards, les ananas sont vivants. Aujourd’hui, en regardant des émissions de Téléfrançais - seulement comme recherche pour cet article je le jure- je trouve que je comprends beaucoup plus comparé aux années d’école élémentaire. Dans la première émission, Jacques (qui avec son amie Sophie va sur des aventures extraordinaires dans le monde de Téléfrançais), entre en dispute avec un ananas, ne croyant pas que les ananas peuvent parler. « Ce n’est pas possible! » il dit. « Oui. C’est possible » rétorque l’ananas avec un ton méprisant. Ce discours continue pour quelques minutes et voilà que Téléfrançais est établi. Personnellement, également à plusieurs émissions de télé et aux films de ma jeunesse, je blâme Téléfrançais pour mes problèmes psychologiques, notamment pour ma peur irrationnelle des ananas. Je ne vais même m’approcher au sujet du groupe musical de squelettes qui se trouve dans Téléfrançais. Merci TVOntario- oui, Téléfrançais, comme toutes choses merveilleuses, est canadienne- pour m’avoir appris comment dire « ananas » en français et pour m’avoir appris qu’un junkyard est un endroit sain et sauf pour jouer comme enfant.
English Translation “I am one pineapple!” This is one phrase famous in the world of TVfrench, episode of TV for the kids made in the 1980s. To watch one episode of TVfrench each Friday was one big present during my years at the school elementary. The only parts of episodes that I understood during that time of naiveté and innocence were the song theme (“TVfrench! TVfrench! Goodday! Hello! Seeya!”) also that the fact that in the junkyards, the pineapples are alive. Today, in watching of episodes of TVfrench – only like research for this article I the swear – I find that I understand a lot more compared to years of school elementary. In the first episode, Jack (that with his friend Sophie goes on of adventures extraordinary in the world of TVfrench), in between in dispute with one pineapple, not believing not that the pineapples can talk. “It not is not possible!” he says. “Yes. It’s possible,” replies the pineapple with one tone contemptuous. This discourse continues for few minutes and here that TVfrench is established. Personally, equally at many episodes of TV and at movies of my youth, I blame TVfrench for my problems psychological, notably for my fear irrational of pineapples. I not will even myself to approach to subject of group musical of skeletons that themselves find in TVfrench. Thanks TVOntario – yes, TVfrench, like all things marvellous, is Canadian – for myself to have taught how say “pineapple” in French and for myself to have taught that one junkyard is one place healthy and safe for to play like kid.
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 15
Long lost
Shakespeare
play discovered on campus Maggieth Kogut
Editor of the Entertainment The University of Lethbridge is making headlines after a student uncovered what appears to be a manuscript for an unknown Shakespearian play. “I was just doing research for a paper, and sifting through different books when I noticed something sticking out of one of them. It was this really old looking bundle of papers; I could barely read them.” The student found these papers in a book on Francis Bacon, and soon after making the discovery, approached the library front desk, thinking perhaps the papers were ripped out of a separate book. “We were really confused at first,” says a library staff member. “We assumed the bundle was probably garbage, but decided to forward the papers to a researcher for further investigation.” Soon after, it was concluded that the papers are indeed written in Shakespeare’s hand, and appear to be a sequel to Hamlet. This discovery is sparking mass controversy in the literary field, and in academia all over the world. “The discovery of this sequel illegitimates Hamlet,” says a
university official. “In what we have all these years believed to be the original play, everyone dies; yet in this discovered sequel, Hamlet and Ophelia have kids that actually live long enough to go to university. In light of this, it is impossible that the original Hamlet is authentic. The death-filled ending is a hoax, and possibly the entire play.” Researchers are presently investigating the original Hamlet to prove that it was not written by Shakespeare. Meanwhile, the university is prospering from international attention. “There were plans to eventually turn the library into a café and get rid of all of the books,” says a university official, “but now we are cherishing our books for the treasures that they are. Who knows what else might be in them! With all of this Shakespeare research underway, mentions of a John Donne figure have popped up; maybe we have some of his works hiding in one of our books too!” At an exclusive media event, the Meliorist had the chance to inspect the now infamous sequel and hear from experts what this new discovery
might mean for the literary world. “The implications are massive. Just look at this monologue; Shakespeare is writing about grades and beer. His complete modernity is astounding.” Following is a sample from the manuscript, deciphered and typed out by the experts at the media event: Enter Narrator Narrator: “School, school, school, oh Hamlet, thy problems with words compare naught to the ills of the enslaved student.” Enter Hamlet’s Son, a weary student with a marked assignment in hand Hamlet’s Son: “Oh woe is me, woe is me. Will these grades of mine never rise forth? There one sits yonder on this paper before me, always too firm and never increasing. Always a C, never to be B, never to be A. Oh letters, letters, letters! What meaning doth they hold? What is in a letter? A rank by which one decides our worth? Nay, it is so. A letter called by any other name would still be a letter, would still set in unyielding stone the path of our future. What hope is there
for man, if he must toil so for the sake of a letter?! But hope! Hope does indeed present its happy light, like the sun doth peek out from behind a cloud. Yes, methinks this hope doth lie within a hearty beer. A beer to relieve me from these perilous studies! A beer to relieve myself of the heartache of letters! Yes, a hearty beer to celebrate our youth with amiable friends and good cheer. Out, damned spot of worry! I will worry no more this night, for this night I will speedily make haste to Pop’s and henceforth, my night will be a delight. Goodnight!” Exit Hamlet’s Son Narrator: “Now thou hath been witness to the toils of a student. Happily, this student’s toils ended in good cheer and relief. Dear students, take heed. The dreadful time of final grading approaches. If ye thus find thyself in mortal peril, remember the beer, that savoury, saving essence of the gods.” Exit Narrator
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 18
Our Lies and sarcasm: In defence of rape culture Kelti Boissonneault Editor-in-Chief
With half the free world attentive to the Steubenville, OH trial of two teenaged athletes (with promising futures) for the rape of a 16-year-old drunk girl at a house party, the words “rape culture” have been thrown around quite a bit. Some people are offended by the inference that modern Canadian and American societies would indulge in rape culture — while others deny its existence outright. What I say is that we must embrace the rape culture. Men, women, children — all of us have a right and an ability to rape. Clearly, it is part of our responsibility to take unwanted sexual advantage of people who are unable to defend themselves. When a hot guy passes out on a sofa my immediate thought obviously is “I wonder if the Viagra I spiked his drink with has kicked in yet.” If it has — yay me! I get to have myself a right good time, take pictures, post video of the act to Youtube, and when my trial comes up the media coverage will resound with how I am a university graduate who had such a promising future ahead of me, only to have it stolen by the unfair justice system. I get, what, a few years in jail, for proving my sexual prowess to the world? Worth it. And why not? We all have needs and the easiest way to gratify those needs is to take what we want. Consent isn’t all that important, not when women dress in slutty outfits and men have their pants dropped down below their ass — all a friendly invitation for a jump. Why, courts in many developed nations have found time and time again that rapists simply can’t help themselves when it comes to the allure of a scantily clad woman out at the bar with a gaggle of other hens. Clearly, by dressing in such a manner, she is inviting a good time for everyone. If she didn’t want to be raped she would, after all, be home tending the children she’s already had by a husband she married at 16 when her father arranged the marriage. No, the fact that she is out carousing with friends in an off-the-shoulder top with a short skirt and no nylons clearly means she wants sex — even if only subconsciously. It would therefore be
a crime, would it not, to deny this beautiful creature what it wants? And of the rapists themselves? Clearly, they are performing a public service by gratifying these people who are so badly asking for it. After all, post-coitus they would be much more likely to be conservative, withdrawn, and dress more appropriately. The endorsement of rape in society alone is pretty much permission, after all. Advertisements featuring slender bathing-suit-clad girls boasting a variety of products — the sexualization of their bodies has society’s consent toward this attitude written all over it. Additionally, the media coverage of rape cases acts as another justification for rape — the perp gets famous! Look at all the fame and glorification two high-school athletes got from raping a girl! They were heralded as football stars with promising futures and there’s no way a big-time coach wouldn’t want to pick them up with all this national media coverage. Shit, their football careers even got mentioned on CNN — a multi-national news corporation took the time to mention their athleticism. With so many rewards for rapists, and the encouragement society provides for this act to go on, it isn’t any wonder that the free world has settled into a rape culture phenomenon sure to please. Disclaimer: this editorial is entirely sarcastic and satire. It in no way illustrates or represents the actual thoughts of either myself or the staff of the Meliorist.
Travis Robinson Sports Editor
Extreme croquet is a new sport attracting a bevy of enthusiasts both young and old. Unlike traditional croquet, extreme croquet employs tougher terrain and longer distances to breathe a renewed life into the classical game. The mountains and coulees of Southern Alberta have replaced backyards as the playing surface for the sport, and younger fans oblivious to the traditional game are breaking out their mallets and wickets and heading to the hills for socializing and fun. Manufacturers have responded to this growing sport by creating longer wickets set at an angle for steep terrains and heavier, more durable balls for the unforgiving rocks and bumps that accompany the sport. Skill players are now those with superior vision, good accuracy, and a powerful
groundstroke. Touch is also important in the game, as the up and down trajectory of the ball makes finesse play an asset for any player. Teams are being assembled both locally and across the Rocky Mountains, and a league in Colorado has even been announced for those wishing to take their game to a higher level. Croquet is a family sport though, and manufacturers hope to capitalize on family excursions in order to further spread their sport. Summer camping trips will be revolutionized by extreme croquet, as boring day hikes will transform into all night ragers once the sticks and balls are busted out. Manufacturers are quick to remind that any sport in a dangerous setting comes with its inherent risks, and extreme croquet is no exception. Given the proper technique and skill
level, however, the game can be played by nearly everybody. Those in favour of the new sport are not wishing to deter anyone from playing the classical game. Rather, they are looking for a better way to bring a younger demographic to the already precision sport. One enthusiast and founding manufacturer that I talked to says he “wanted to take croquet to the next level. We played it as youths with our grandparents, loved it, but wanted to make it better. We saw a niche for it when we saw people playing the regular game at campsites in the mountains, and understanding that everything is made better by hills, just took it and elevated it. Next day, we were building the specialized wickets and such, and taking the game to the public.”
Those on both sides of the border took a liking to the game, and now every major city in the Rockies has at least one seller of the equipment. The Colorado fanatics of the game starting the aforementioned league can be credited with inventing the sport, but it has grown to encompass most of Western North America, and will hopefully continue to grow in other areas with the proper terrain to play the game. Those enthusiasts of the game are delighted to see such positive reception of the game. “We appreciate that croquet is not for everybody, but those wishing to try something new, something different, should definitely check out our game,” says the source. “Croquet is a recreational sport first and foremost, but like skiing, can be made all the better with a little elevation.”
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 21
We're all
going to die and it's going to be
your fault
Rob Dowell
Lifestyle Contributor Nobody is taking the Democratic People's Most Honourable Republic of Happy Fun Hello Korea seriously. Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Un has a bunch of nukes trained square at the rest of the world, and once he can figure out how to key in the launch command on the keyboard of the 1990s-era Macintosh they use to run the missile control centre, we'll all be fucked. See, everyone's underestimating him because he doesn't so much come across as a nuclear warlord as he does a pant suit-loving Carmen Sandiego henchman, but that's probably his greatest strength. Nobody's expecting him to be successful. While we're all laughing at North Korea like it's a special kid on a leash at the mall, Fearless Leader's biding his time, his sullen, droopy jowls forever scowling at the arrogance of Western civilization. When we least expect it — probably while Game of Thrones is on or something — they'll attack. The fruits of his country's elaborate and not-at-all-Nerf-based nuclear program will be launched, and all kinds of hell will break loose. First to fall will be South Korea, and hopefully reunification of the Korean peninsula will be enough to sate Fearless
Leader. But if not, it will be up to the Japanese to hold him off with the Godzilla they've been harbouring in secret until an international response can be made. While our leaders spend time bickering with each other over the cost of oil, the last thing worrying our national consciousness is military defence. With North Korea nipping at our ankles like an angry poodle, it should be the first. Our military will require time and money to train down to the preschool level at which the North Korean army is known to fight. Our main strategy should be to deprive them of both nap and snack time, as per the Geneva Convention's section entitled "Douchebags with Small Penises and Nuclear Arms" (revised). This, ladies and gentlemen, is the new Cold War, and we're fast approaching its final days. The threat posed by North Korea is a real one, yet nobody seems to care. Even right now, literally dozens of troops are marching in PF Chang's, the capital of North Korea, waiting for their moment to not get caught defecting to China. Kim Jong-Un is close to completing what the late Kim Jong-Il never could do. If only she were alive to see this.
Sweatpants making a comeback Travis Robinson Lifestyle Editor
The classic sweatpants are making a return as fashion designers and vintage aficionados alike are looking for inspiration in the working man’s pant. Once reserved for lawn mowing and televised wrestling watching, sweatpants are now a highly sought-after commodity in men’s and women’s wear alike. The elasticated waistband and cuff design of the most classical sweats are the most popular models today. Designers are crafting them in a variety of colours and patterns to accommodate the tastes of a wide selection of consumers. Even vintage clothing stores are stocking up on beaten pairs of sweats to sell to their customers. “The more stained, the better” is the motto vintage consignment shops are using. Sweats featuring the colours and logos of iconic sports teams are of particularly high value, both on eBay and the brick-and-mortar market. According to some, the Creamsicle-hued sweats of the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers are of the highest desire. Vintage sweats worn by athletes during practice are seeing sky high prices on online clothing sites. The sweats that your father uses to shovel the driveway are now of utmost value, so seizing the opportunity to bring them back before your mother decides to cut them up for kitchen rags is a very smart idea. The newfound popularity of the sweatpants can be attributed to a rebellious shunning of the skinny jeans of the past decade among youth, along with the value modern society places on comfort. Sweats are a most comfortable pant indeed, and can be
worn as both lounge wear and in the office comfortably. The suit is a cumbersome and uncomfortable costume of plutocracy; the sweatpants are symbolic of our more liberal political climate both at home and in the boardroom. Sweats are unisex, so couples and families alike can share a pair without having to spend a fortune on new clothes. The flexible waistband of sweats can accommodate most waist sizes, so having to buy new pants after your gym routine wanes is no longer important. The most fashionable of wearers rock their sweats with designer boots and heels, in order to accentuate both their sartorial knowledge and their value of comfort. The early morning staff meeting is no longer a problem with sweatpants, as one can roll comfortably from bar to bed to sales floor in a pair of sweats without having to stave off the hangover before the meeting. And cleanup is not necessary with sweats, as wear and tear enhances the character. Having a single pair is acceptable for all occasions, so buying clothes becomes virtually obsolete with a good pair of sweats. Laundry will also become obsolete with the sweatpants wearer, as the more you can soil your sweats, the more they will enhance your look. Be it a vintage pair or a freshly bought Alexander McQueen print, sweatpants are a luxurious, versatile, and cost saving garment that will both simplify and accentuate your wardrobe, and bring you days and days of comfort.
the
meliorist
April 4, 2013 • 23
Nice guys deserve to finish last Women don’t owe “nice guys” anything and the friend-zone is a meaningless term Ryan Bromsgrove The Gateway (CUP)
You know the type. They’re always that shoulder to cry on. They’re always there to listen. Their heart is five-sizes bigger than other guys’, but gosh darnit they always end up in the dreaded “friend-zone” because girls are dumb and only date assholes. These guys then complain about how much of a bitch that girl is for not reciprocating her feelings. We all know at least a few people who seem to be stuck in the zone. No. Just no. The “friend-zone” is nothing but an invention of the nice guy to explain why he doesn’t get the sex he feels he’s entitled to just by knowing a girl. Unfortunately, what these nice guys don’t understand is that you’re not actually entitled to coitus. In order to embark upon the adventure of having a sexual relationship with a partner, it’s not enough to just be nice. You also need to be sexually attractive to that person and your personalities have to click on a deeper level than simply “I keep bringing you roses — why aren’t we fucking?” Basically, what you need to understand is that girls are more than simply objects you’re entitled to fuck after meeting a certain degree of niceness. You don’t get to just fill in a checklist. Bought her dinner? Check. Listened to her complain about her ex? Check. Held her hair while she drunk-vomited all over your car? Check. Achievement Unlocked: Right to Fuck. What you need to understand is that women are human beings capable of deciding for themselves who they’re
going to have sex with. You’re not trapped in the “friend-zone” — like having a friend is such a terrible thing anyway — you’re just not compatible enough with the girl for a relationship. And that’s just for now, too. There are plenty of times when good friends turn into something more. And you know what, if you really, truly are a nice guy, and you’ve been there for some girl for all her life, and she does, genuinely exclusively date bona-fide assholes, then her judgement sucks and she actually does not deserve you. But that’s giving most of these “nice guys” way too much credit. Thanks to the Nice Guys of OKCupid Tumblr, we can actually get a glimpse into the minds of these poor, misunderstood gentlemen. These absolute gems complain about girls never sleeping with them despite how nice they are, while also espousing such opinions as yes, women must always shave, and yes, there are situations where a woman is obligated to have sex with you. If you’re a nice guy permanently stuck in the friend-zone, take a good hard look at yourself and your attitude towards women. The problem is not that women won’t date you; the problem is that you are a misogynistic human being hiding behind an invented excuse as to why you aren’t getting sex you feel entitled to. And if a woman wants to be your friend despite your dehumanizing opinion of her, count yourself lucky.
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April 4, 2013 • 24
TLF QUESTION FOR NEXT WEEK: This week: If you could have any super power what would it be? Next week: What was your favourite article in The Meliorist this year? * Submit your TLFs at www.themeliorist.ca. All TLFs must be submitted via a valid uleth e-mail account. Keep in mind that libelous or offensive TLFs may be edited or omitted. The TLFs do not reflect the view or opinions of The Meliorist Publishing Society. ** Priority for TLFs will be given to those who answer the weekly question!
To Sarah, You’re really pretty. Love your roommates Hey Uleth! maybe instead of putting all that money into “fixing” the E & F parking lots, u could actually fix the potholes and cracks in E. I almost lost my small car to one today. Saturday, I was sitting by the climbing wall, you were walking back and forth past me. I couldn’t help but smile when we made eye contact. You are a dark haired angel. Coffee? STUDENTS OF ENGLISH 2300! Since its our profs last yr, wana do sumthing 4her? Idk how 2 email class, so dk how 2B more discrete. Email alyssa.robinson@uleth.ca a “yes” if intrstd
Kelti Boissonneault’s article reminded me that the problems complained about by Americans exist here in Canada too. We need to stop corporations from controlling the government! Hey Uleth Students, maybe we should show a little respect to those who have to clean up after us in the public washrooms, and remove the disgusting mess we leave behind. Are we 2? MTS is having their 6th annual Way Off Broadway show on Sunday, April 7th at 8pm in the David Spinks Theatre! Tickets $5 at the door. Come out and enjoy some musical awesomeness! She’s fast enough for you, old man.
Egotistical prof, The way you spoke to me, not even being one of your students I hope I never have to be within your presence of my academic career! - Thanks for making my easter
I’m craving a flaffel pita but after seeing how rude & disrespectful the owner/manager was to the staff I’ve chosen to take my business elsewhere! Such an unprofessional woman! :O
Dear Treebunny, you make me happy. I demand you stay in my life forever. -Batman
Guy on elevator: “idk why they don’t play the University radio station on the elevators, then someone would actually listen to it.” Fantastic idea!
A special thanks to anyone who helped me when I was stuck in the elevator in the Library. You are amazing people and I wish I had gotten your names.
Melanie, your new hairdo rocks! Thank you to the beautiful girl who put an extra quarter in the parking
meter when I came up short Wednesday morning. You made my day!
Oz: The Great and Powerful owes me minimum wage for the exact time I spent watching it.
To the blonde who whispers a lot in phys 2000 who sits right beside me. Your pretty good looking. Just thought you should know.
Kevin Ware, OUCH! YAY! Yoga pants season!!! Birkenstocks are not lesbian sandals.
RIP Richard Griffiths. Ain’t nobody gon be a betta Unci Vernon. Say hi to Dumbledore.
Could I *be* wearing anymore clothes?
“It was my pleasure”
Can I eat this?
Who’s scruffy looking?
If I were awarded one superpower, I would want it to be the ability to punch Bieber in the face at all times.
To the gentleman with the gently quaffed hair and beautiful black spacers in AHMS3215, WOW! #?
Superpower: hmmm. Invisibility. Duh,
Keeping coffee/hearty vegetable soup in a black thermos is the new cool. THAT IS SO FETCH.
Shape changing ability would rock--I'd become a dragon and scare the shit out of people.
‘Merica... FUCK YA!
Telepathy-- that'd mess with people.
Muchi Kapa Kawa... Aaah, Bos mikay. Say say say. Aaaah, echoota.
x ray vision so I can see through people's clothes...and check out their brand names.
M+N=<3 Stix n dix
Walk through walls so I could get to class in E-block faster.
Love me, love my chlamydia. Mmm mm mmm!
Teleportation would beat walking through walls
G.I. Joe isn’t actually that bad.
Batman's utility belt and Bruce Wayne's bank account.
the
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April 4, 2013 â&#x20AC;˘ 25
Crossword
Across
1. Avoids involvement 6. What you kiss with 10. Annoyance 14. What a caged bird sits on 15. An individual thing 16. Tardy 17. Delete 18. Skin disease 19. Matured 20. Things having an uninterrupted structure 22. Attached 24. Beers 25. Severely 26. Lightweight woods 29. Dry 30. Jai ____, sport 31. Substance that has properties of both solids and fluids 37. Loved Juliet 39. Reservation (abbrev.) 40. Like a
Sudoku
Cutsie Utsie
supercharger 41. Placed in a new job position 44. Doctrines 45. Sounds of pleasure 46. Enclose 48. Attendant 52. Plant of the onion family 53. "A ______" = based on reason alone 54. Variety of pear 58. Compound derived from an aromatic hydrocarbon 59. Chief god (Greek mythology) 61. Linden or basswood tree 62. Outer jacket 63. Formerly 64. Piece of glowing coal 65. L L L 66. Collections 67. Sweeties
Down
1. Specification (abbrev.) 2. Protagonist 3. Modern-day Persia 4. Raptures 5. Attractive woman (Australian slang) 6. Hawaiian feasts 7. Native of Peru 8. Needle 9. Thin waxed sheet used for printing 10. Braid 11. American symbol 12. Metal of iron and carbon 13. ____ bear = stuffed toy 21. Loch ____ monster 23. Financial examination 25. Get up 26. ____el = cask 27. Found in skin lotion 28. Buddhist monk 29. Ends prayers 32. Fungal disease of ryes
33. Calcium oxide 34. Bear-like constellation 35. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile System 36. Amount of medication 38. Academy Award 42. Converts into charged atoms 43. Bambi was one 47. Caught 48. The Final Frontier 49. Actor _____ Flynn 50. Monetary unit of Qatar 51. Units of electromotive force 52. Persists 54. Sculpture of a head and shoulders 55. Island of Napoleon's exile 56. Level or stratum 57. Thick bituminous liquids 60. Before (poetic)
Medium Hard
STUDENT COUNCIL: YEAR IN REVIEW ARMIN ESCHER: BEST LOOKING PREZ IN ULSU HISTORY I can say that I have spent quite a bit of quality time with Armin Escher, that I write this review quite accurateof his reign. After winning his election unopposed, Armin’s ego grew exponentially as the idea that he “scared off the competition” got to his head. rename Zoo Brew to “Armin Brew.” This ego problem eventually grew so large that it led to the constitutional referendum in January, which was disguised as a way to add a new VP External position, but what most people didn’t notice were the new clauses to the constitution that were snuck in. As a result of the ref-
erendum which successfully passed, the president of the ULSU now has a veto on all General Assembly and Executive Council motions, the logo of the Students’ Union was changed to the president’s face, and a permanent budget line was created for presidential fun times. This just goes to show the dangers of having someone become president who has been on council too long, knows the ins and outs of the Students’ Union, and can play the system. tion representing over 7,000 students, looks are very important. It is necessary to make an impression because words are only effective if they are spoken by someone with the looks to complement them. Two honour-
able mentions are needed here. First, the number of sweaters owned by Armin is approximately average for someone in his role, which means age. Sweaters portray power and a sense that one is not afraid to get their hands dirty. Second, facial hair. While not particularly “manly” in this department, Armin works well with what has, or has not been given to him and unapologetically met with several MPs with his “handle-bar movember mustache.” This shows dediIn addition, when it comes to advocating on behalf of students, Armin has had a very high attendance rate at all committee and board meetings, but in reality it was just for the
perks and not for the good of the students. What Armin learned early on is that there is usually food at meetings, and in typical student fashion that was the most important part of these meetings for him. The president is also invited to many events, often open bar, and it is no secret that Armin’s motto was to “drink [his] tuition money back.” In overall ratings, Armin has a 95 per cent approval rating and an 11.5/10 in the “good looking” category, but I am convinced that these high ratings are due to his ability to play the system, and thus the numbers need to be taken with the full story in mind.
A FIGHT TO THE DEATH: VP INTERNAL SHUNA TALBOT The best investment Shuna made this year would have to be using all the ULSU monies available to bring the Spice Girls to Last Class Bash. It is bound to be a success and one of the most memorable events taking place on the University of Lethbridge campus since Nickelback. The Spice Girls taught us the foundation of social equality: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,” speaks directly to equal rights. The social issues the Spice Girls sing about will give this event some “spice up your life.” Shuna did have several challenges Hunger Games. All 86 clubs needed to present one male club member to the death for all $15,000 of the club funding monies. Shuna did not realize that this was a human rights issue; she was quoted as saying “Hey, I didn’t hold a gun to their head to participate, I just handed them the nun chucks- plus they signed a waiver!” Conveniently the City of Lethbridge
saw this as a valid argument and let this issue slide. This allowed Shuna to run in the election for ULSU president the following year. She crushed all opponents, mostly due to her super competitive nature, and conquered her competition in a jousting competition on the high level bridge. The students were so impressed they the ULSU executive council next year. I believe all students would agree when I say that Shuna has been the most ignorant, misinformed, irresponsible VP Internal we have had to date. Thank goodness we will never need to deal with another VP Internal again. Unfortunately, Shuna will be forever known as the Last VP Internal and will probably go down in ULSU history.
SCANDAL BETWEEN VP ACADEMIC JULIA ADOLF AND AB GOVERNMENT The current Vice President Academic of the ULSU, Julia Adolf, better known as Julia “The Enforcer” Adolf, has misled her constituents throughout the 2012-2013 academic year. She has recently been found to be in secret coordination with the Alberta Government and Enterprise and Advanced Education to destroy the quality of education students are receiving throughout the 26 institutions in Alberta. The ULSU became aware of this as Julia was writing up her year-end reviews in late March. She accidently submitted documents containing plans to destroy the future of postsecondary education in Alberta. The documents go into great detail outlining how the government will
drastically cut more from the operating budgets at the universities in the in the March 2013 provincial budget. The documents included summaries of exactly what each professor in each institution will be researching, for example: how to bring back “King Ralph Klein” in zombie form, to They also declare which institutions will provide certain programs, such as basket weaving and homeopathic medical degrees. “Julia was always off at ‘committee meetings’ throughout the week,” said Shuna Talbot, Vice President Internal, “but she never put the location of the meetings in her calendar. We became growingly concerned
when she would disappear for hours at a time, returning with no real background on what the ‘committee meeting’ dealt with. We should have suspected something sooner.” “This has created detrimental effects for our students, faculty, and staff,” says President Armin Escher. “The quality of education will suffer as there will be fewer professors, larger class sizes, tuition skyrocketing through the roof, and fees being implemented whenever a shortfall occurs. Plus, what are we supposed to do with a basket weaving degree?!” Escher saw his geography department turn into basket weaving just
monton to talk to them about affordability and accessibility for students in Alberta on behalf of the Council of Alberta University Students (CAUS). She seems to have done just that, but exactly the opposite of what CAUS aims for – making higher education only accessible to those with large pockets. And for those students who are paying ULSU fees, they should have seen an Academic Speaker this year, but Julia’s “offers” kept getting rejected. It was found that Julia spent the entire ULSU speaker budget on a dinosaur egg! Julia failed to comment on her purchase.
Julia attended various meetings throughout the year with MLA’s in Ed-
SO THERE’S THIS GUY...NAMED BRADY So there is this guy, I think they call him Brady- apparently he was the VP Operations and Finance for the Students’ Union this year, whatever that means? Anyway my friend’s sister’s roommate’s boyfriend Garry told me that he thinks it was basically the best job anyone could ever have on campus. Apparently, when you work for the Students’ Union you get your own ofwindows, mini bar, and leather everything! Apparently, when you work for the Students’ Union you get to eat ev-
executive class to Disneyland every third Friday of the month, and skittles rain down from the sprinklers during Apparently, when you work for the Students’ Union every reading week you get together with the University of Calgary and University of Alberta Student Union executives and buy kegs and Texas mickeys, and take limos to the legislature building in Edmonton to party like rock stars with Allison Redford and her entire Cabinet, plus they let some Green Party members tag along for obvious reasons… that’s what I heard anyway. The other thing I heard about Brady is that he always comes to work at 6
a.m., he never calls in sick, and he has his reports submitted on time everytime! “Sounds like BS to me!” says some random. I know right?! I didn’t believe it either. But what I do know for sure, without a shred of doubt (so sure that I’d bet my left ovary on it), is that Brady has zero regret about time in student government. He has made life-long friendships all across Canada, met with more political leaders than he can remember, visited eight provinces and probably 20 or more colleges and universities in the country, and seen at least a dozen key note speakers who gave him inspiration and goose bumps of equal
he has funded, he has failed. But in the end, his time here at the University of Lethbridge and his time at the Students’ Union, has made up some of the greatest moments of his life.
Apr 8 Apr 11 Apr 12 Apr 13
Holy Homophobia with Dr. Tonya callaghan PE 261 @ 6:00 pm to 8 PM
Harm Reduction & Drug Education The ZOO @ 5:00 PM
Community Dinner & Idea Share Lethbridge Fish & Game HUT (9th ave & 10th st south) @ 6:00 PM
A taste of lethbridge 2013 tradesman manufacturing (4437 8th ave north) @ 7:00 PM to 10:00 pm
swag NOW IN THE BOOKSTORE! For all the up-to-date local events and information go to:
labeat.ca
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April 4, 2013 • 30
Jobs, jobs, jobs! Let us introduce you to CES (Career & Employment Services). CES is a student service office dedicated to assisting you with your career and job search needs. We’re within the Career & Co-op Services office in AH154, along with Applied Studies and the Management and Arts & Science Cooperative Education programs. CCS office hours are 9 a.m. – 12 p.m. and 1 p.m. – 4 p.m., Monday to Friday. Go to our website for more detailed information on our services: www.uleth.ca/ross/ces. Information Session: Canada Revenue Agency – Hiring full time and summer accounting positions Thursday, April 4, 4:30 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. AH100 ~ Andy’s Place Workshops to April 30 (to see full schedule and sign up, go online to www.uleth.ca/ross/ces/workshop s) CES resume/cover letter workshops: * Tuesday, April 9, 10:50 a.m. – 1:30 p.m. * Wednesday, April 17, 12 p.m. – 2:30 p.m. * Monday, April 22, 2:30 p.m. – 5 p.m. Career exploration 101 workshops: * Thursday, April 4, 1:40 p.m. – 3:40 p.m. * Monday, April 8, 11 a.m. – 1 p.m. * Thursday, April 18, 9:30 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. * Wednesday, April 24, 1 p.m. – 3 p.m. CES career portfolios for interviews workshops: * Monday, April 15, 3 p.m. – 4:30 p.m. CES job search & networking workshops: * Wednesday, April 10, 10 a.m. – 12 p.m. * Tuesday April 23, 11 a.m. – 1 p.m. CES interview techniques workshops: * Thursday, April 11, 3 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. New Grad ~ Job Search Seminar ~ check out the details on our website www.uleth.ca/ross/ces/workshops Two-day seminar to help prepare you for your job search: * Friday, April 5, 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. & Saturday, April 5, 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. Lunch provided on Saturday. * Thursday April 25, 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. & Friday, April 26, 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. Lunch provided on Friday.
For full descriptions of the job postings below visit CES Online Job Board! http://www.uleth.ca/ross/ces/job-boar d Full time • Management Trainee ~ Guillevin International (April 30) • Synthetic Organic Chemist, North York ~ Toronto Research Chemicals (April 30) • Agribusiness Assistant, AB/SK/MB ~ Richardson International (April 15) • Marketing/Event Coordinator, Ponoka/Red Deer ~ Jones Boys Saddlery & Western Wear (April 15) • Research Analyst, Cgy ~ Barclay Street Real Estate (April 4) • Field Sales Representative, Edm ~ Premier Tech Home & Garden (April 4) • Assistant Store Manager, Leth ~ DAVIDsTEA (April 6) • Junior Software Developer, Red Deer ~ Visual-Eyes (April 6) • Software Developer, Salmon Arm ~ USNR (April 5) • Associate Sales Representative, Various Locations ~ Cargill (April 15) • Associate Grain Marketing Advisor, Various Locations ~ Cargill (April 15) • Associate Production Supervisor, Various Locations ~ Cargill (April 15) • Development Officer, Leth ~ Lethbridge College (April 14) • Sales Development Training Program ~ WESCO Distribution (April 11) • Administrative Support II, Cgy ~ U of L (April 5) • Program Manager, Cgy ~ Churchill Park Family Care Society (April 21) • Coordinator, Leth ~ BURNCO Rock Products Ltd (April 24) • Casa Arts Centre, Leth ~ Allied Arts Council of Lethbridge (April 8) • AU-01, Income Tax Auditor; AU-02 Tax Auditor, Cgy ~ Canada Revenue Agency (April 12) • Management Trainee ~ EMCO Corp (April 30) • Registered Nurse, SK ~ Sun Country Health Region (April 26) • Marketing & Communications Officer, SK ~ North West Regional College (April 15) Temporary • Reservations Manager, Blue River ~ Mike Wiegele Helicopter Skiing (April 26) • Aquaponics Researcher, Leth ~ Lethbridge College (April 5) • Project Officer - Intern Position, Ottawa ~ Council of the Federation Secretariat (May 9) • Marketing & Social Media Manager, Leth ~ Lethbridge Toyota (April 8) • Office Assistant, Leth ~ DuPont Pioneer (April 5) • Urban Construction Assistant, Leth ~ City of Lethbridge (April 5) • Community Kitchen Coordinator, Leth ~ Family Centre (April 24)
Summer postings • Summer Swim Coach, Fort MacLeod ~ Sharks Swim Club (April 30) • Agronomy Student; Agribusiness Student, AB/SK ~ Richardson International (April 15) • Giftshop Sales Associate, Drumheller ~ Royal Tyrrell Museum (April 30) • Marketing/PR Internship, Cgy ~ Live Out There Inc. (April 30) • Collections Manager Assistant; Education Program Assistant; Tourist Information/Front Desk Clerk; Horticulture/landscaping, Pincher Creek & District Historical Society – (April 26) • Marketing & Graphics Internship; Sales Planning and Administration Internship (unpaid) , Blue River, BC – Mike Wiegele Helicopter Skiing (April 5) • Law/Business Analyst Student, Cgy ~ Cenovus (April 10) • Museum Interpreters, Dickson ~ Danish Canadian National Museum Society (April 20) • Store Manager, Sylvan Lake ~ More Moo Ice Cream Parlor & Toy Store (April 10) • Production Intern, Various Locations ~ Cargill (April 15) • Industrial Herbicide Applicator, Red Deer ~ Renu-l-tech Environmental (April 12) • Lawn Care Specialist; Flower Bed Specialist, Cgy ~ Empire Yards Services Inc. (April 13) • Marketing Associates, Leth ~ CertaPro Painters (April 14) • Programs & Visitor Services Assistant; Collections & Visitor Services Assistant, Claresholm ~ Town of Claresholm (April 5) • Student Tax, Cgy ~ Enerplus (April 17) • Summer Student, Cgy ~ Alberta Distance Learning Centre (April 17) • Production Technicians, Leth ~ DuPont Pioneer (April 5) • Summer Marketing Internship ~ Vivint (April 19) • Crop Scout Intern, Rolling Hills ~ CHS Inc (April 19) • Interpreter, Cardston ~ Remington Carriage Museum (April 15) • Web Developer, Leth ~ Internet Solutions Group (April 30) • Supply Management Student, Cgy ~ Encana (April 7) • Advertising Coordinator, Leth ~ Graduate Media & Marketing (April 21) • Teacher, Counsellor, Instructor, Cgy/Vancouver ~ Wynchemna (April 12) • Summer Student – Human Resources, Cgy ~ Gibson Energy (April 25) • Seasonal Employment, Leth ~ Costco (June 30) • Summer Library Clerk, Coaldale ~ Coaldale Public Library (April 12) • Clucking Awesome Summer Intern,
• • • •
Leth/Cgy ~ The Wing n Beer Corp. (April 14) Summer Openings, Leth ~ Vector Marketing (July 24) Program Director, Crowsnest Pass ~ Crowsnest Museum & Archives (April 16) Head of Wardrobe; Costume Technician, Leth ~ New West Theatre (April 8) Landscape Labourer, Leth ~ Green Leaf Lawnscapes (May 3)
Part time • Guest Services, Cgy ~ Butterfield Acres Farm (May 1) • Brand Ambassador, various AB locations – Prime Marketing (April 30) • Aquafit Instructor, Cgy ~ Glencoe Club (April 4) • Child Care Provider, Cgy ~ Glencoe Club (April 4) • Groundskeeper, Leth ~ Weidner Investment Services (May 5) • Early Education Program Manager, Leth ~ Lethbridge School District #51 (April 12) • Learning Clicks Ambassador, Southern AB ~ Government of Alberta (April 10) International • English Teacher ~ Ameson Education & Cultural Exchange Foundation (April 10) • Teach English in South Korea ~ Eagle Consulting (April 15) • English Teacher Needed, UK ~ Synarbor Education (April 6) • Teaching Positions, Guadalajara ~ Canadian School Guadalajara (April 6) • China Paid Internship, Ningbo China ~ Ningbo Wencheng International Student Internship (April 30) • Science Teacher, UK ~ Synarbor Education (April 12) • China Internship Program, Beijing ~ CRCC Asia (April 23) • Travel. Teach. Save! South Korea ~ Adventure Teaching (April 17) • EFL Teacher, Nanning ~ Canadian Foundation Centre for International Education (April 30) • Teach, Travel & Earn Money, South Korea, China, Thailand ~ Aclipse (April 24) • Teaching Options in South Korea ~ KORJOB Canada Recruiting (April 24) • English Tutor, Hong Kong ~ Chatteris (April 27) • Primary Teacher, UK ~ Synarbor Education (April 26) • China Internship Program 2013 ~ CISC Global (May 1) For details of the postings and information on the application processes, go to www.uleth.ca/ross/ces/job-board.
Jokes Hard
Medium
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
A: Because he wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a chicken.
Try to find this pronghorn in this weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s issue of the Meliorist. E-mail the page number and a brief description of where you found it to einc@themeliorist.ca. You will be entered to win our monthly pronghorn draw. You can enter as many times in the month as we publish.