Dates From Hell

My date from hell started as a blind date – my best friend’s boyfriend insisted his friend was exactly my type. I regretted it immediately. Sure, Kris sounded nice enough on the phone, but he was very different in person.

He showed up to my door with green dreadlocks, stained, holey jeans and a t-shirt bearing the name The Magic Brownies. I later found out that was the name of his punk band that only covered songs by the Beatles. But I listened to advice to never judge a book by its cover and off we went.

At dinner, I asked him what he did, where he worked and where he went to school. “I don’t go to school. Dude I have no job, my band is going to make it big soon,” he replied. So what if he had no direction and was just in a band instead of a regular job. No big deal. But when he told me he didn’t have any cash because his father refused to give him money, and he didn’t want to work because it was too hard, it was the last straw. I was stuck with a $50 check. We went bowling next, which had the potential to be fun. Little did I know he bowled competitively and wasn’t going to let me beat him. After

I paid for my shoes and games, he kept yelling, “you’re going down.” Out came his bright green bowling ball, which oddly matched his hair, and his greenand-white bowling shoes. Sure, I like competition, but this was ridiculous. After being repeatedly booed while I was rolling my ball, I lost the game 94216. Sure, it bothered me that my date was yelling “miss it” the entire time I was bowling, but once again, I turned the other cheek. We played a few arcade games; he even won a stuffed animal. I thought he was going to give it to me as a semi-sweet gesture: “I’m going to give it to Cristina, this hot girl groupie that hangs out with my band.” I told him I had a headache and was ready to go home.

He brought me back to my apartment after making me listen to his horrible band trying to play the punk version of “Hey Jude”. I gave him a hug goodbye and instead of hearing the usual “I’ll call you later” I got “I would kiss you, but you’re not pretty enough.” After slapping him, I slammed the door to my apartment. I went inside and immediately called my friend and told her I would not be dating Kris again.

I had a blind date with a girl named “Kendra.” Over the phone, we agreed to meet at her house. At six o’clock, I rang her doorbell with a bouquet of various flowers. “Hi, I’m here to pick up ‘Kendra’.” I said to a girl in a bright pink bathrobe and bright yellow curlers I could have fit my fist into. Suddenly, she shrieked in my face. I stumbled back and dropped the flowers.

“Kendra’s” house, held thirty or so cats. Plastic covered all her furniture.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” she said in a thick Texan drawl. After weakly smiling, she disappeared down a hallway, and I stood for the next 27 minutes. We agreed to go to dinner. In the car, she asked if I minded her smoking. I gave my okay and rolled down the window. Walking from the car to the restaurant, she smoked another. I don’t smoke but agreed to sit in smoking. She smoked another three during dinner. I guess she was nervous. Throughout dinner, she left to go to the restroom about three times. I think she was drinking. “Kendra” had a loud, piercing laugh, was a noisy eater and had one, large snaggle-tooth in what would otherwise be perfect teeth nicknamed “Mr. Chomper.” She chewed on her fingernails and actually spit one at the dessert tray.

We left the restaurant and went for a walk at a nearby park. “Kendra” threw her empty cigarette pack into the bushes and pulled a snuff can from her purse.

“You dip?” I declined politely. “Mind if I put my hair up?” No, I did not. She put it up in a ponytail on the top of her head. I thought water fountain hair died in the eighties. It is alive, today, with “Kendra.”

Eventually, I tried to make myself undesirable. Things like “I’ve never been in a relationship that I didn’t cheat,” were said but nothing moved her. She would launch into her own sordid stories. I took “Kendra” home and walked her to the door. “Wanna come inside? I’m not wearing panties.” I left.