ALBERT SNODGRASS

My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.

It must be almost Christmas....

.... because I just saw Easter eggs for sale.

I’m not very good at skiing.

I get to the top of the mountain then it’s all down hill from there.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said “suture self”.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It’s called Pasta Way.

Did you hear about the depressed Swede? He wished he’d never been Bjorn!

My friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today. I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion? Claude.

Last Week’s Solution across: 6) Gem, 7) Backtrack, 9) Arbitration, 11) Emery, 12) Albumen, 14) Oneself, 15) Elope, 17) World Record, 19) Periscope, 20) Sty.

DoWN: 1) Detriment, 2) Padre, 3) Skittle, 4) Ormolu clock, 5) Act, 8) Microscopic, 10) Temperate, 13) Old lace, 16) Drape, 18) New

21/6/1982 John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted assassination of U.S. President Ronald Reagan

The London Underground’s Charing Cross, Euston and Hampstead Railway opens.

World War II: the first selections for the gas chamber at Auschwitz take place on a train full of Jews from Paris.

1) The first underground rail service in the southern hemisphere was opened in 1913 in which Latin American city?

2) In 1941 who was the Japanese Emperor who gave approval for the start of their war against the USA?

3) Which undersea tunnel was completed in Dec 1990 before being opened to traffic in 1994?

4) Which car company was the first to introduce the moving assembly line in December 1913

5) Marie Tussaud the French-English sculptor who founded Madame Tussauds Wax Museum was born in December but in which century?

6) In December 1939 LaGuardia airport opened to service which city?

7) In 1942 a team led by Enrico Fermi initiated the first artificial self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction. What was the project called?

8) Formed in 1971 Ajman, Fujairah, Sharjah, Dubai, and Umm al-Quwain, Ras Al Khaimah and which other Emirate formed the United Arab Emirates?

9) In 1976 who became President of Cuba, by replacing Osvaldo Dorticós Torrado?

10) NASA launched the Space Shuttle Endeavour on a mission to repair which telescope in 1993?

GaRdEN fIRE daNGERs

Experts have warned that Brits should prepare themselves for potential fire hazards in their gardens and on their patios as the UK faces the possibility of another scorching summer.

The warning comes after the UK faced a staggering 28% increase in fires in 2022, with 185,437 incidents reported according to GOV UK. The unprecedented dry weather of last summer caused by record-breaking heat helped fuel the alarming surge.

Alongside commonly acknowledged fire dangers such as barbeques and fire pits, the experts have highlighted how garden furniture is an often overlooked aspect of outdoor fire safety.

Incidents last year demonstrated that some furniture may not be capable of withstanding extreme heat, as Kirsty Gawne from Stocksbridge discovered during the hottest day ever on UK record, when her £400 outdoor rattan sofa from Homebase set alight, causing significant damage to her home. Also last year, Aldi announced that certain garden furniture it had sold posed a fire risk due to an issue with the cushion covers, and would therefore need to send replacements for the items.

As Brits prepare for another summer of high temperatures, the experts have provided their top tips to mitigate the risk of fires in outdoor spaces:

• Check for fire safety labels on furniture: Look for fire safety labels that indicate legal compliance with UK standards. If uncertain, consult your furniture supplier for clarification.

• Remove glass tops from furniture in extreme heat: If possible, some manufacturers advise removing glass tops from tables, as they can intensify heat in direct sunlight, leading to melting or burning.

• Exercise caution with garden mirrors: When mirrors reflect sun rays, they concentrate energy. This could be enough to cause combustion when directed at flammable materials.

• Maintain a safe distance around BBQs and fire pits: Keep flammable materials at a safe distance from BBQs and fire pits and have an appropriate fire extinguishing source at hand.

• Extinguish cigarettes responsibly: Smokers should ensure cigarettes are properly extinguished and disposed of in designated containers. Refrain from discarding them on the ground or in vegetation.

• Maintain vegetation: Trim and water trees, shrubs and grass in your outdoor areas regularly to minimise the risk of fire. Clear away dry debris which could fuel potential grass fires.

• Install and maintain smoke alarms: Make sure to have working smoke alarms not only throughout your home but also in outdoor spaces like sheds or garages. Test them monthly and replace batteries as necessary.

• Avoid leaving your phone in direct sunlight: Prolonged exposure to heat can cause a chain reaction in your phone’s battery causing it to set alight. To prevent this, keep your phone away from direct sunlight for long periods of time as well as away from potentially flammable surfaces like cushions and throws. Power banks can cause a similar reaction in high temperatures, so charge your phone in a cooler environment.

advICE ON waTER UsE IN HEaT wavE

With a heat health warning issued for last weekend, Severn Trent is encouraging people to consider how they use water at home.

Severn Trent is reminding people to be mindful of their water use whilst enjoying the warmer weather. Sophie EvansYoung, Customer Demand Lead at Severn Trent said: “We tend to think about Britain as a country that gets more than its share of rain, but water is a precious resource and with temperatures expected to climb in the coming days, we want to remind customers to use water wisely. It’s natural when the weather gets warmer to get paddling pools out and using sprinklers, hosepipes and pressure washers to keep gardens and cars looking lovely. However, it’s water-intensive activities such as these that can cause a sudden spike in demand.”

While the Midlands saw some wet weather through April and May, February was the driest since 1993, we only saw 55% of rainfall we would expect in May and 2022 was the hottest year on record. It looks likely that hotter and drier conditions will become a staple of our climate. Severn Trent is working on long-term solutions to address these growing pressures and ensure a continued supply of water both now and into the future.

Sophie added: “Pressures from climate change and population growth mean we all need to think about how we use water all yearround, not just during the summer. We managed to avoid a hosepipe ban last year thanks to our yearround water management plan and the fantastic support of our customers, who helped ensure there was plenty of water for everyone to take care of life’s essentials.”

Some of Sophie’s top tips for saving water are:

• Get yourself a water butt

– it’s a great way to save water when it rains, and you can use the water for your garden when it’s dry

• When watering plants, use a watering can rather than a hosepipe

• A sprinkler can use as much as 1,000 litres of drinking water in just one hour – which is more than a family of four would normally use in a whole day! – and thirsty lawns will quickly bounce back once it starts raining again

• Think about planting water efficient plants such as Blanket flower (Gaillardia), Sea holly (Eryngium amethystinum) or Euphorbia

• Clean your car with a bucket or with leftover water from the paddling pool, rather than a hosepipe or pressure washer, it’ll save loads of water and help keep your bills down

• Ask your children to water the plants with leftover water from their paddling pool – a fun activity to keep them entertained whilst also saving money and water

If the dog needs a bath, think about using the water from the paddling pool

• Water the plants earlier or later in the day when it’s cooler and the water is less likely to evaporate Customers could also save money on their utility bills by making a few small changes to the ways that they use water around the house.

As well as saving water, people could also save money on their utility bills just by making a few small changes to the ways that they use water at home. An average family of four could see savings of up to £1,300 a year by:

• Cutting daily shower times from 10 to 5 minutes - £700 a year

• Switching off taps when brushing their teeth - £100 a year

• Fixing a leaky toilet -

£300 a year

• Changing to a low-flow shower head - £100 a year

• Cutting out two dishwasher runs per week by only running with full loads - £75 a year

• Cutting out two washing machine runs per week by only running with full loads - £50 a year

• Dripping tap (2 drips/ sec) - £15 a year

• Constantly dripping taps - £90 a year

They may see an additional saving by switching to a water meter free of charge, as they only pay for what they use, which could generate savings vs a flat-rate bill. Customers can also send a video of any suspected leaking taps, toilets or showers to Severn Trent. An engineer will review the video and we’ll make a free repair if we can or direct the customer to a WaterSafe-accredited plumber in the local area. More information on water saving can be found by visiting and searching for saving water made simple.

To book a home water efficiency check, visit stwater.co.uk and search for home water check. If you spot a leak while you’re out and about, it can be reported using our on-line form here or by calling our Leakline number on 0800 783 4444. And now you can even FaceTime an engineer to show us exactly where the leak is and how bad it is.