THE INFINITE LOOP OF LOST FISH

Fish long enough and there will be fish that return to you in your dreams. These are not fish you caught, no sir. That would be too easy for your brain to handle. Those fish are hanging on the metaphorical trophy wall of your ego, next to anything else your subconscious frames as part of the overall patchwork of your life’s 15 minutes of fame.

No, the fish that return to you in your dreams are the ones that you did not catch. The ones that you could have, maybe should have, but didn’t.

For me, it was a tarpon off the beach in Gabon in 2017. It was around 5am and with the faintest hint of light starting to play on the chop at the estuary mouth, we were still using our headlights to adjust tackle when necessary. I had just caught a nice threadfin and literally two casts later, I connected with the poon.

Conrad and I could see tarpon rolling right in the vortex where the outgoing river water met the oceanic rip coming off a sandbank. To reach it, I had to cast to the very limit of both my ability and what was doable with the 12-weight at 5am in the dark and the swirling water at our knees. Wading in deeper, with the dropoff, the current and resident bull sharks, was not an option. Pumped up on adrenaline and belief, the cast somewhat miraculously landed in the right spot. I knew I would have maybe one or two strips before the fly would be swept out of the zone. It only took one. The line went tight, a massive tarpon erupted through the gloom and took off across the bay. I whooped, Conrad dropped everything to talk me through what happened next and I cranked up the drag. And then… nothing. Popped at the knot.

The funny thing is the night before I had peppered our host, legendary saltwater guide Arno Matthee, with questions. One was about his tried and tested knots for big fish and, “Had they ever failed?” He said that had only happened twice in his career. As if I had asked for it, this was the third.*

The loss of that fish never actually stung, perhaps because in my inexperience I was still stoked about the threadfin. But, like a monk who got half a handjob before joining the monastery, I am permanently hooked on the wonder and curiosity of that moment of connection. That’s why not a week goes by without me thinking about that fish. Working on deadlines, driving my car, walking the dogs, taking a shit, or deep in conversation with someone, that poon breaches and takes off time and time again. More than anything I think it’s the power I felt as it surged away from me that runs through my head on an infinite loop. I’m sure a dominatrix would have something to say about the allure of feeling powerless and small, about having no control.

Because The Mission likes to celebrate the failure inherent to fly fishing, in this issue we asked a bunch of accomplished anglers to share their stories about the fish that haunt them. These are people who have caught plenty of impressive fish. If they bothered to keep ledgers, they would be in the black. Despite their prowess, they all had delicious tales of woe and we thank them for taking us to those dark places in their psyches and sharing. Check out their stories in “The Chronicles of Loss” (pg 62).

*To be extremely clear, I don’t blame Arno at all for that fish not sticking. A) You should tie your own knots. And B) If you are inexperienced like I was, you not only have to trust in the guide’s knots but also check them in the dark when you get up at 4:30am, which I did not. And C) Accept whatever happens because you did not do A). Plus there’s D) Very often fish, especially massive ones, win.

EDITOR

Tudor Caradoc-Davies

ART DIRECTOR Brendan Body

EDITOR AT LARGE

Conrad Botes

CONTENT COORDINATOR

Matt Kennedy

COPY EDITOR

Gillian Caradoc-Davies

MANAGING DIRECTOR

Ingrid Sinclair

ADVERTISING SALES tudor@themissionflymag.com

CONTRIBUTORS #38

Nick Ferreira, Gian Booysen, Jazz Kuschke, Ewan Naude, Josh Power, Brenton Freeman, Richard Wale, Nic Isabelle, Conrad Botes, Peter Coetzee, Leonard Flemming, Stephen Dugmore

PHOTOGRAPHERS #38

Ruhan Kruger, Johann du Preez, Gian Booysen, Ewan Naude, Josh Power, Brenton Freeman, Nic Isabelle, Jazz Kuschke, Cameron McDermott, Richard Wale, Jonathan Boulton, Travys Owen, Peter Coetzee, Leonard Flemming, Garth Wellman, Matt Kennedy, Helen Dugmore