THE BABER SCOPE

YOUR FISHING FUTURE ACCORDING TO YOUR STAR SIGN AS READ BY BABERMAN, THE LEGENDARY GRUMPY CATFISH.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Last week I was seated on the throne, flushing a brown trout, when Neptune’s kiss (Google it) invoked in me a vision of the future. I saw fools ruled by water, ever thirsting to feel the wetness of a wading leg. Pisceans are ruled by Jupiter, not to be confused with Venus the dominatrix. The eye of the giant planet has prophesised that on your next cast you should present a hopper-dropper combo – all the more likely to be blessed in catching two trout with one cast! (Don’t even get me started on the quad-fly combo…)

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Old goats, angry goats, squint goats and fainting goats. This is your month to be the goated GOAT. The Three Sisters from Orion’s Belt took a break from holding up his junk to tell me that you need to nibble the hooves of the next ram you see and fashion a hook from his toenails. Next off, pluck the third whisker lining the right hemisphere of the scrote (caress the ram with care at this point). Combine this with a tuft of darkened fur, pulled from between two dingleberries and a tungsten hotspot bead, and you’ll have the ingredients for a magic fly. Think Jason and the Argonauts, but more Nigel and the Rancidnauts. It will catch anything. Or nothing. What do I know? I’m a catfish on acid.