The Montclarion

The Montclarion The Student Voice of Montclair State University Since 1928

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The Montclarion

Volume XCV, Issue 22

@themontclarion

Thursday, April 1, 2015

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The following is an April Fool’s Day edition of The Montclarion.

All of the articles in the paper, though relating to real people or events, are not factual.

Spring Semester Extended Wildlife Takes Over Campus Deer and geese look begin their plans. Claire Fishman | The Montclarion Megan Spinelli Contributing Writer Montclair State to remain open until weather warms up.

Jayna Gugliucci News Editor Though the clocks have jumped ahead and the calendars have been marked, the question still remains as to whether or not there will truly be a spring this year.

With the season’s currently unpredictable and uncontrollable weather pattern, it remains to be seen if the ‘Spring’ semester will ever come to an end.

In a recent press release, President Cole announced Montclair State’s

Photo courtesy of Mike Peters. plans to remain open until steady, warm sunlight can finally brighten the campus.

“As long as the weather remains in its unforeseeable state, the university will remain open and operatWildlife continued on Page 3

In the past year, MSU has seen an enormous growth in its population, but not in its student body; it is in the wildlife, and they seem to be taking over the university.

More deer, geese and wild turkeys have been seen all

over campus within the past few months and their population has been growing by about a dozen per week. So far, they have started to claim the Village parking lot, especially the pit, but a study conducted by the Wildlife Association of New Jersey (WANJ) shows that by 2016 these animals will Spring continued on Page 3

Campus-Wide Stapler Missing in Action

Red Hawk Statue Gets Noticed Newly constructed statue attracts prospective students to campus.

Natalie Smyth Staff Writer Ann Perkins, a senior at Montclair High School, officially decided yesterday to attend Montclair State University in Fall 2016.

Like many high school seniors, Perkins was torn between multiple colleges and universities. Before making her decision, Perkins was choosing between two schools: Rutgers University and Montclair State University.

She has been debating between these schools for almost two months.

She ruled out three other

Photo Courtesy of Mike Peters.

schools she got accepted into by the end of January because of cost and program issues, but hasn’t been able to decide which school is the best fit for her.

“I love performing arts; I just performed in a musical and loved every minute of it, so I might want to be a musical theater major and Montclair State has the best Musical Theater program. But I also love science and may want to be a nurse, and Rutgers has the best nursing program. But since I don’t know what I want to it’s really hard for Statue continued on Page 2

The last remaining stapler on campus has mysteriously gone missing.

Claire Fishman | The Montclarion

It’s all here at Montclair State University, except for one very small, yet extremely essential commodity. This item has been disappearing from each location on campus one by one. Each and every printing lab at the university has suffered this tragic loss until only a single relic remained.

That’s right; the stapler has moved from endangerment into the borders of extinction on campus faster than

you could spend all of your Red Hawk Dollars. The university community certainly has a mystery on its hands.

The information desk in the student center used to be the prime location on campus for stapling freshly printed essays, notes and homework of every kind, until disaster struck yet again. In a tragic turn of events, a sign in the Student Center basement printing lab has been put in place to inform students that the university will no longer be

providing a stapler at the information desk; instead, paper clips will be provided upon request.

“I never knew that such a thing could cause me such emotional distress. I need this stapler now more than ever to rejoin the torn fragments of my heart back together,” student Taylor Swiffer, a junior Musical Theater major said. “It’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. Since the incident, I’ve got a blank space

Deanna Rosa Assistant News Editor

Stapler continued on Page 3

News, p. 3

Feature, p. 7

Opinion, p. 11

Entertainment, p. 14

Sports, p. 19

Mysterious Red Barns Appear

The Amazing Inch Worm Is Catching On

Bringing Down the Red Hawk Nest

Oscars Apologize for Award Mix-up

Making the Geese Useful

Students speculate about the significance of several red barns on the campus.

Montclair State University has shown a lot of school spirit in the past year—maybe too much.

All of our problems have been solved.

themontclarion.org

PAGE 1 •April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

THE MONTCLARION Student Center Annex, Room 113 Montclair, N.J. 07043

Editor-in-Chief: (973)-655-5230

Managing Editor: (973)-655-5282

Operations Manager:

(973)-655-5237 / (267)-981-9909

The Montclarion is a publication of Montelican Publishing, Inc. published weekly, except during examinations, summer and winter sessions. The Montclarion is funded by student fees distributed by Montclair State University and incoming advertising revenue. The views expressed in the Opinion section, with the exception of the Main Editorial, do not necessarily reflect the views of The Montclarion.

The first issue of The Montclarion, then named The Pelican, was published on Nov. 28, 1928.

The Montclarion willingly corrects its factual errors. If you think there is mistake in a story, please call Editor-in-Chief Catherine at ext. 5230.

OUR STAFF

Executive Board

Editorial Board

Editor-in-Chief Catherine Baxter montclarionchief @gmail.com

News Jayna Gugliucci montclarionnews @gmail.com

Managing Editor Monika Bujas montclarionmanaging @gmail.com

Production Editor Tiffany Saez montclarionproduction @gmail.com Assistants

News Deanna Rosa

Entertainment Samantha King Opinion Emily Rovner

Feature Bridget Gonzalez Sports Jenna Bussiere Copy Zachary Case Faculty

Faculty Advisor Steve Johnson johnsonjam @montclair.edu

Operations Manager

Don Spielvogel montclarionadsales @gmail.com

Feature Padraigh Gonzalez montclarionfeature @gmail.com

Opinion Kristen Bryfogle montclarionopinion @gmail.com Entertainment Awije Bahrami Theadora Lecour

montclarionentertainment

@gmail.com

Sports Thomas Formoso montclarionsports @gmail.com Chief Copy Nicholas Taylor montclarioncopy @gmail.com Web Leah Collie

Editorial Cartoonists Christian Ray Blaza Christian Ruiz Photography Claire Fishman

Social Media Manager Samantha Amminati

Writers and Contributors

Kimberly Asman, James Carpentier, Nicholas Da Silva, Dan Falkenheim, Christine Gianakis, Natalie Smyth, Megan Spinelli

Statue: Prospective Students Rush In Continued from page 1

me to make this decision.”

In order to decide which school was best for her, Perkins decided to visit each school one more time and think about where she feels more comfortable. Her best friend April Ludgate, also a senior at Montclair High School, already enrolled at Rutgers University for Fall 2015, which made it a more appealing school for Perkins.

According to Ludgate, however, “Ann is not my best friend. She’s not my friend. I’m only going to Rutgers because it’s huge and no one will be able to find me if they come visit me on campus. If Ann goes to Rutgers, I could probably avoid her for four years.”

After visiting Rutgers, it seemed like Perkins’ decision was made. She knew she was more likely to be successful as a nurse, she has always been passionate about helping people and she got more scholarship money from Rutgers than Montclair State. So what changed her mind?

It all changed last Saturday, when she made the trip up to Montclair State one last time before making her final decision. According to Perkins, “I walked on campus from Montclair Heights train station, and I passed a crowd in front of the athletic center, I forget the name of it. When walking by I realized that a student was giving a tour to prospective students, so I wanted to hear what she was saying.”

This is the moment where things changed for Perkins.

She says that the student leading the tour was telling

“I’m so excited to walk on campus as a freshman and see the beautiful statue every day. It’ll remind me to be enthusiastic for the school’s athletic program.

I wouldn’t have had any idea that [athletics] mattered if the statue wasn’t there.”

- Katie Haverford,

Incoming Freshman

the group about the statue that is going to live right where they were by the beginning of the fall semester.

Perkins says the tour guide, Senior Tom Haverford, was excited about the statue and that made the participants of the tour excited.

According to Haverford, “This statue is gonna be crazy! Not only is it going to be a 12-feet tall bird on our campus, but the wings are going to be made of pure gold, the eyes are going to be from a real hawk and there will be a three foot wide and six foot deep moat around the statue to make sure no one will vandalize it. These additions add to the cost, but it’s gonna be totally worth it in the end!”

Perkins told me she was in awe. As soon as she saw a photo of what the statue would look like, she could not see herself going to any other school. She says she saw the strong, tight knit community of students who care about their campus enough to put so much money into developing and implementing such a beautiful statue.

“I’m so excited to walk on campus as a freshman and see the beautiful statue every day. It’ll remind me to be enthusiastic for the school’s athletic program; I wouldn’t have had any idea that [athletics] mattered if the statue wasn’t there.

And if I need any more reasons to love this statue, when I pass it on the way to class, I will always be reminded to stay determined to fulfill my goals and be inspired to get ‘A’s in all my classes!”

‘Dancing to the Jailhouse Rock’ Sunday, March 26 Live footage from Keeping up with the Kardashians shows that Kourtney Kardashian initially did not want to be featured on Kim Kardashian’s game, “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.”

She went as far as to send her sister a cease-and-desist letter before eventually agreeing to Kim’s demands.

Kourtney is being sued for treason with the intent of exercising free will.

Tuesday, March 31 Queen Elsa of Arendelle has been accused of causing an unexpected snowfall in Northern New Jersey despite the promise of 70 degree weather later in the week. In the past, the royal daughter has been charged with neglect of palace staff, injuring the Duke of Weasletown, and freezing the heart of her younger sister, Anna.

Wednesday, April 1 After the release of their live-action Cinderella earlier this month, Walt Disney Studios has been accused of self-plagiarism. In the future, instead of handcrafting new works of art, the company plans to simply remake all of their older films; this novel era will continue with the release of Beauty and the Beast in 2017.

Monday, March 30 Following a “break” from the band’s world tour due to “stress,” Zayn Malik officially announced his departure from One Direction.

The singer currently faces charges for failing to defend his “brothers” against the singers of his new band as well as breaking the hearts of millions of teenaged girls across the globe.

Tuesday, March 31 Taylor Swift’s kitten, Meredith, faces charges for causing deep gashes to the pop-singer’s legs, which are currently insured for $40, 000. According to her Twitter feed, Swift’s best friend as well as various other closely-related individuals have also had to pay the fee for committing the same crime.

Friday, March 20 Hugh Jackman is currently being pursued by officials for wreaking havoc among comic book nerds all over the world for his departure from Professor X’s mansion. The actor will not be reprising his role as Wolverine following the film X-Men: Apocalypse and is thus, charged with putting the “X” in X-Men.

Monday, March 30 David Beckham recently accompanied his eldest son, Brooklyn, on his first date.

Taking the term embarrassing parent to a whole new level, the soccer player now faces charges for unnecessarily trailing and spying on his son as well as the girl he was with.

Wednesday, April 1 Though only an April Fools’ Day joke, Justin Bieber’s “leaked” album was perceived as legitimate by the majority of adolescents who rushed to iTunes to listen.

Among his charges, the singer is accused of causing the hearts of fans to stop for over three minutes and emptying the wallets of all those who fell for the ruse.

Friday, March 20 Joe Jonas faces charges for impersonating his own grandmother on national television. While brother Nick hosted the Kids Choice Awards this past weekend, the former Jonas Brother took to the stage in a wig and nightgown to defend “Joe’s good looks” against his brother. As punishment, Joe Jonas will be subjected to a year without hair spray and beauty products.

Anyone who has information regarding these incidents is urged to find Paul Bart on his segway at the West Orange Pavilion Mall. All conversations are strictly confidential.

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 3

Spring: Chilly Weather Prolongs Semester

Continued from page 1

Mysterious Red Barns Appear Students speculate about the significance of several red barns on the campus.

Erin Mathis Staff Writer

If you’ve been a student at Montclair State for the past semester or so, then you’ve definitely noticed the mysterious red barn-like sheds that have popped up in various areas around campus. One sits at the top of the hill near University Hall, another is in front of Stone Hall, one behind the library and there are even reports of one behind the Hawk Crossings office. Where else might these barns be lurking? Why are they here?

After a quick surveying, it became evident that many students hold some pretty captivating theories about the real purpose of the barns. Joshua Dawson, a senior, speculated that

Erin Mathis | The Montclarion

the barns are connected by a system of tunnels, all of which lead to Susan Cole’s home. Other students have speculated the barns are used for pieces to the SGA’s top secret scavenger hunt.

Even staff members are curious, as Andrew from the Student Center’s deli considered the possibility of the barns being used to store stolen fine art.

Of all these theories, there is one that prevails. Many claim that the barns are simply storage spaces for snow removal, containing merely shovels and salt. After questioning a janitor, this theory was “confirmed.” However, I don’t buy it. Snow removal? Sounds like the perfect cover up to me. I promise to keep the public updated as this investigation continues.

ing on a normal schedule,” said Cole. “Though the new schedule remains in question, students will be notified of their final day of classes as soon as possible.”

In such regard, both the final exam schedule as well as the date of commencement have been placed on standby until further notice; at the same time, students will be required to continue attending classes for as long as the chilly temperatures prevail at Montclair State.

Despite the expecta-

have complete control.

Based on research done by animal enthusiast Jamie Spinelli, a biology major who followed geese around for a week straight, the animals are gradually making their way to the Hawk Crossings parking lot, and will eventually flock to the lot of Floyd Hall Arena.

Eventually, these creatures will even inhabit parking decks like CarParc Diem and Red Hawk Deck.

“We have seen an influx

show the humans that they are in control.

“A turkey chased me when I was holding a cookie once and I didn’t know what to do,” Kari Dwyer, a former resident of Hawk Crossings said. “I saw my life flash before my eyes.”

Dwyer narrowly escaped the wild turkey by running into the nearest apartment and locking the door. Soon escape may not be possible, as these animals are getting more intelligent, according

- Marielle Morgan, Communication major tion of an uproar on behalf of the student body, most have responded in a more positive manner; in fact, they seem rather intrigued by the idea and even ready to take on the rest of the semester with a smile on their faces.

Among these individuals, Zachary Crow, a freshman Information and Technology major, shared his thoughts on the matter. “Though it’s only my second semester at the university, I think the administration might be on to something; I mean, why go home and sit around in the cold when you could continue pulling all nighters to make it through the end of the semester?” he said.

fear people, these deer are not afraid of anything and have even been seen charging at students.

“A deer once chased me around the village while I was riding my bike,” said Village resident Adrianne Cooper. “I only survived the attack because I had my rock collection in my backpack and swatted the evil thing away.”

Geese leave droppings all over campus and watch as humans step on them.

“A deer once chased me around the Village while I was riding my bike. I only survived the attack because I had my rock collection in my back pack.”

-Adrianne Cooper, Village resident of wild geese, turkeys and deer move into New Jersey,” Governor Chris Christie said at a press conference. “They all seem to be moving to Montclair State because of its proximity to New York City.”

According to Christie, the animals enjoy taking day trips to NYC to dine on stale bread and leftover pizza and then come home to MSU, where they can sleep at the edge of the forest as they wait for students to emerge.

Once students are awake – usually by 6 a.m. because of the geese’s incessant honking – geese leave droppings for people to step on, turkeys block cars so students cannot leave and deer jump across the lots to scare those walking.

Animals use these tactics to

to WANJ. Not only are they stealing food, they are making students late for work by blocking in their cars.

“A turkey was standing behind my car once at 7 a.m. and started pecking at my tires,” said Jackie Burke, a Village resident.

“And then another one ran over and started doing the same thing. I really thought that was the end for me.”

Burke was able to back up until the turkeys moved, but the turkeys chased her car until it got too fast for them. As they gain intelligence, though, they also gain agility and soon may be able to keep up with a car, making it impossible for students to escape.

Deer not only cause traffic problems, but also get closer and closer to humans each day. Though known to

four years, I am completely and utterly outraged by the decision on behalf of our administration; some students already have internships and summer employment lined-up,” she said.

“Most importantly, there are students who have been waiting almost have a decade to walk down the aisle at commencement and should not have that moment taken from them.”

While Johnson remains the only student to feel this way about the new changes,

“I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to stay here into summer break writing papers, studying for exams and struggling to stay awake in general education courses. It’s all part of the fun!”

Wildlife: Deer and Geese Take Over MSU Continued from page 1

“Sure, I’d rather be on a beach hitting the waves, but if the weather isn’t going to cooperate, then we might as well be hitting the books.”

Surprisingly, Crow’s stance tends to be the more popular of the campus’s thousands of students, who have already settled in to the idea of staying a little bit longer; even professors have begun to show their approval by excitedly tacking weeks and pages on to the end of their syllabi.

Sometimes they can even be heard cackling out of satisfaction when someone falls prey to their feces.

All of these strategies are ways for the animals to scare humans into admitting inferiority, opening up the opportunity for wildlife to become dominant. First, it’s parking lots, but in the future, it’s dining halls, residence halls and academic classrooms, leaving the humans to find food, shelter and education elsewhere.

For now, staying indoors is recommended but soon there will be nowhere to hide.

All the students and staff of MSU can do now is enjoy superiority while it lasts, but prepare for the future reality: wildlife taking over Red Hawk nation.

Marielle Morgan, a sophomore Communication major, shared her opinion of the campus’ decision in an enthusiastic light. “Though instructors have already started giving more homework for the semester, I really can’t help but smile; I mean, I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to stay here into summer break writing papers, studying for exams and struggling to stay awake in general education courses,” she said.

“It’s all part of the fun!”

Only one student, Emma Johnson, a senior Family Studies and Child Advocacy major, expressed her concern for the recent change in university policy. “After

it has proven evident that her stance on the matter will surely go unnoticed by members of administration already overwhelmed by the amount of positive feedback they are receiving on behalf of the campus community.

In the end, it appears as though the majority of the student body is in favor of the new policy change regarding the end date of the semester; with snow only continuing to coat the campus grounds, both students and administration eagerly look forward to spending the next few months in class before Montclair State officially closes sometime this summer.

Stapler: One Campus, One Binding Device Continued from page 1

in the top left corner of all my papers.”

This latest development in the Montclair State Stapler Crisis has left students wondering about the reasons behind the university’s decisiveness on the matter. Why must students be deprived of staples?

Have budget cuts become so large that the university can no longer afford to hold together its students’ papers? If so, what will be taken next? One can only speculate, for the answers to these pressing questions are unclear at this point in time.

Freshman Business Administration major, Ed Sheewalked, stated, “The loss of the stapler has been something I’ve been working on every day. My therapist said the pain won’t ever go away. I’ve been spotting painful reminders everywhere lately. I found a staple on my bedroom floor, the only evidence that it’d been here before.”

Varying theories regarding the disappearance have been arising in the past week. Some students believe that staples have been removed in order to fund the Red Hawk Statue being built on campus, while others are spewing claims of conspiracy among the university faculty. President Susan Cole refused to release a statement on the issue, which only provoked further doubts among students.

Harry Stylin, a sophomore Philosophy major, claimed, “I heard Susan

Cole has the stapler. Apparently too many students were stapling flyers all over campus that said ‘Give me snow days or give me death!’ Fortunately, there are a couple billion in the whole wide world. I’ll find another one and it will belong to me.”

Regardless of the validity of various speculations, students should be warned to hold onto their valuable office supplies, as several other disappearances had been reported prior to the removal of the stapler. Missing pencils, pens and notebooks had become an epidemic leading up to the culminating stapler incident.

According to several student witnesses, the sole surviving stapler in the student center had been malfunctioning in the weeks leading up to its removal. Staples were coming out deformed and were not attaching to the papers correctly.

Rather than attempting to fix the problem or simply purchasing a new stapler for the desk, the university responded by removing the stapler altogether, thus establishing its ultimate extinction from campus.

Even though the campus community is collectively waving goodbye to the era of the stapler, students do not need to accept defeat on this pressing issue. Step out and join the campaign on social media with the hashtag #SaveTheStaples to help bring this essential item back to campus.

PAGE 4• April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

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How will a master’s in professional communication give you a stronger voice?

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Will. Power.

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Attend Our Spring Graduate Open House Sunday, April 19, 2015 • 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Visit wpunj.edu/gradevents or call 973.720.3641.

Feature

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 5

‘Tokyo News News’ Kristen Bryfogle Opinion Editor Look out, The Montclarion staff! Another student-led publication, that could give the long-running school newspaper a run for its money, is in the works to release its premiere issue in the Fall 2015 semester.

Students have been diligently preparing to make their brainchild Tokyo News News a reality ever since the idea for a newspaper dedicated solely to reporting otaku culture rose up in casual conversation. Editors and contributors have been buffing up on their anime knowledge and catching up with all their favorite manga series in order to bring their enthusiasm for Japanese popular media to the greater Montclair community via a weekly serial.

One of the first projects

that the staff has undertaken is compiling a masterlist of actors and celebrities for a live action Dragon Ball Z series. After the disappointment that was Dragon Ball: Evolution, the editoral board took it upon themselves to make a better live-action version of the popular anime.

This improvement was largely based on better casting.

The cast list so far includes Editor-in-Chief Paddy-sempai and Managing Editor Monimocha-san as stars Goku and Vegeta and other staff members as characters throughout the series. The editorial board is also reaching out to actors to make their dream of a liveaction DBZ come true, eyeing Idris Elba as Piccolo and all of Smash Mouth as the Ginyu Squad. Elba could not be reached for comment, but the

men of Smash Mouth couldn’t wait for their chance to be “all stars.”

Editors are working with the film department to collaborate on this project. Most filming is expected to be done in the Student Center quad. Film majors were hesitant at first to take on such an ambitious and unique project, but the prospect of Goku’s poorly-aimed “Kamehamehas” gave student filmmakers the hope that their involvement may spur the much-needed renovation of Calcia Hall.

It is still unclear how much of a threat this new publication will pose to The Montclarion. Tokyo News News plans to reach out to a more specific audience, which may make it less inclusive than its competitor that boasts its position as the “Stu-

dent Voice of Montclair State University since 1928.” Editors are hopeful, though, that their publication will be a success with the anime-watching and manga-reading population at Montclair State.

Faculty advisor Steve-Johnson-sensei is also optimistic. He thinks that this type of publication gives the Montclair State University media the type of cutting-edge it needs to compete with other schools, notably Rutgers’ new paper, The Daily Otaku and William Paterson’s The Pokémon Times.

“We hope to provide a creative outlet for people to share their love of Japanese animation and illustration and hopefully convert many students who have never gotten into the subculture into full-fledged otaku,” said Copy Editor Zakkari-kun.

“What are our goals for the future?” asked Paddy-sempai in an exclusive interview. “The first is to get the first few issues up and running smoothly and release our DBZ project. Eventually, we want to have a place where people can submit their own fanfiction and doujinshi so that we can expand from just a news source to a sort of literary magazine. Our ultimate goal is to convince Susan Cole to change the mascot from the Red Hawk to Pikachu.”

Only time will tell if The Montclarion will be able to compete with this up-and-coming newspaper or if Tokyo News News has written the staple’s name in the Death Note of college media in its inception.

Apples and Oranges Zachary Case Assistant Copy Editor People use the term “like comparing apples to oranges” to refer to the comparison of two objects that seemingly have nothing in common. Are apples and oranges really so different, though? We took a closer look at these familiar fruits to decide if this old cliche has any merit. ----Food pyramid categorization: Both apples and oranges are placed squarely in the “fruits” section of the food pyramid. You need three to five servings of fruits each day. Be sure to consume these servings in the form of solid fruit instead of fruit juice to get the full benefit out of their consumption and avoid weight gain.

Size: Apples and oranges tend not to have a huge difference in size between them. Oranges do tend to be a little larger, but the difference is only relevant if you are carrying a large quantity of them.

Smell: Oranges tend to be fairly fragrant, even moreso when peeled.

Apples don't particularly have much of a smell to them.

Color: Apples come in the red, green and what is known as the “Golden Delicious” variety (a sort of yellowish-green.) Oranges are only orange, although blood oranges have an orange exterior while having blood-red flesh.

Nutritional content: Oranges are generally higher in essential vitamins while being lower in calories than apples. A single orange contains 85 percent of your daily vitamin C, while an apple only has 15 percent of your DRV of said vitamin. Oranges also edge out apples in vitamin A and calcium, while apples have the advantage when it comes to potassium.

Culinary usage: Apples can be made into pies while “orange pie” is relatively unheard of and honestly sounds a little frightening. Sauce made from apples is squishy and either is eaten on its own or on pork chops, while oranges can be a key ingredient in sauces made for slathering onto fish. Both apples and oranges can be made into juices and smoothies, but oranges can't be made into cider. Both honestly aren't that great of choices for a fruit salad.

Application outside of cooking: Oranges, as a result of being highly acidic, can be made into an effective chemical-free cleaner. Apple seeds contain cyanide, which can come in handy if you are taken hostage by terrorists and they are trying to torture the fabled recipe of eleven herbs and spices out of you. Apples are also more appropriate in the bribing of teachers than oranges.

Ease of consumption: Oranges need to be peeled and have seeds throughout them; the peeling of them isn't particularly easy either, especially when compared to the ambrosia that is the clementine.

Apples have their seeds in one spot, so you easily know which part of the apple is unfit for consumption.

Ease of crushing in the palm of your hand: Roughly about the same; apples have a smaller mass, but oranges are much squishier.

Biblical relevance: Apples are considered often to be the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge that led to Eve performing the original sin in her consumption of them. However, the actual identity of said fruit is never given, as the fruit is simply referred to as the “fruit of the tree” in most versions of the Old Testament. It's highly unlikely the fruit was either an apple or an orange; if anything, the fruit was most likely a pomegranate due to Eden being placed by scholars in the Middle East.

Shininess: Apples win, hands down.

Photo courtesy of dreamstime

It seems in the end that there is some merit to “like comparing apples to oranges” being used the way it is, but there also seems to be enough similarity between the fruits to judge said phrase as lacking accuracy in its current application. Apples and oranges have their differences, but the differences are more subtle than they are profound. We must come up with a new phrase to refer to comparing two things that don't have much in common, such as “like comparing horses to envelopes.”

PAGE 6 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

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How to Get Healthy in 10 Steps have an account on Netflix, stop reading this article and get one right now. In a best case scenario, just try to get your roommate’s password. This tip goes along with step two of the process.

Binge-watching shows (watching entire seasons of shows at a time) is a perfect way to stay as inactive as possible. Plus, you may learn something valuable, like how to cook crystal meth on Breaking Bad or how much breakfast food you should really be eating on Parks and Recreation (Do not take the

5. Stop worrying about the future. A lot of the advice on healthy eating is to protect you from various diseases such as cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and diabetes in the future. These just add time-consuming worrying to your already packed schedule and who has time for that? You’re fit, healthy and pretty now; I am sure you will stay that way forever no matter what you do.

6. Be a follower. Did you hear that your friend is gluten-free because they have the very serious

Photo Courtesy of Renee Comet

crystal meth part seriously. We highly recommend that you do not cook crystal meth). Other recommendations include some of the classics: Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl or 30 Rock. Just remember to lay in bed while watching, preferably with some snacks.

4. Eat a lot of candy. You may have heard some bad things about candy; things like how much fat, sugar and processed ingredients they contain. Ignore all of this.

These are just accusations from the agricultural industry lobbying to make more money. Go for that king-sized bar next time and make sure to eat it all in one sitting.

Photo Courtesy of perfectska04

You probably think you know something about being healthy, whether you read an article or two each week or maybe you study the subject more thoroughly. No matter your credentials, it’s time to forget everything you know. It may seem daunting and involved, but getting healthy through food and exercise is actually really simple. The following are ten steps to getting in your absolute best shape in as little as a week. Just remember the most important part of this process: If you feel like you are putting in effort, you are trying way too hard.

1. Stop watching portion sizes. Sure, a bag of chips may tell you there are ten servings in a bag, but what do they know?

Don’t let food labels tell you how to live your life. If you feel like you deserve that gallon of ice cream every day, you are probably right. Remember, any pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself.

2. Lay down as much as you can. Exercise supposedly strengthens pretty much everything about your body, but recent research from a trusted source shows this to be false. The key is to move as little as possible to get in shape. Try to skip the stairs, take the shuttle as much as possible across campus and whatever you do, don’t make time for the gym. Sweating is pretty gross, anyway and should probably be avoided.

3. Binge-watch shows on Netflix. All the time. If you don’t

Photo Courtesy of CoolKid1993

Kimberly Asman Staff Writer

condition of Celiac disease? Are you questioning whether you should now be following a gluten-free diet? The answer is always yes. Just ignore the fact that you probably do not have the condition and avoiding gluten will just make things hard for you and lead to you missing out on foods with valuable nutrients. Commit to this new trend. If you have questions about what gluten is, look up Jimmy Kimmel Live! on YouTube and search, “Pedestrian Question: What is Gluten?” It will teach you everything you need to know!

7. Have soda with every meal, snack and activity. Tying back in with step one of the process, drink as much soda

as you possibly can. Ignore the serving sizes completely. The articles telling you to limit your consumption of this sugar-packed beverage are again from those pesky fruit and vegetable people just trying to make more money. Screw water. Drink soda all the time.

8. Fry everything. Have you heard of fried Oreos? I challenge you to be creative here. Frying, after all, has tons of oil and fat. If you think these things can be bad for you and should be consumed in moderation, you are wrong.

Think outside the box. Has anyone ever fried pizza? That sounds like it has a lot of potential.

9. Get rid of all of the negativity in your life. Do you have those friends, the ones who are too busy to make plans with you because they have to go to their favorite class at the gym? The ones who will not get fast food with you because they can not stand the thought of what goes into that “food?”

Just get rid of them. You really do not need that kind of negativity in your life and it will only bring you down in this brilliant process of getting healthy.

10. Cut back on the fruits and vegetables. Remember that saying you heard as a child, that if you swallowed a watermelon seed, a watermelon would grow in your stomach? This is 100 percent true. Fruits and vegetables just plant themselves in your stomach and grow, causing you to physically enlarge as they do. We want to be fit here, not huge, so just avoid all fruits and vegetables to be safe. But what if something doesn’t have seeds?

Just avoid it anyway. Sometimes pesticides are used on the outside of fruits, which are much worse than processed ingredients in just about every other food and should be kept completely out of your diet.

Follow these steps and you are guaranteed a healthier, happier life. Good luck on your journey!

SC&I Graduate Programs Open House April 15 • 6:30 p.m.

Alexander Library College Avenue Campus

Graduation Is Around the Corner, and So Are We. Rutgers’ School of Communication & Information in New Brunswick is a mere car ride from Montclair State University, and offers graduate programs designed to help you land your dream job.

Master of Communication & Information Studies (MCIS): •

Specializations include Digital Media, Strategic Organization, Health Communication or a general path of study.

Master of Information (MI): •

Ranked #6 nationwide by U.S. News & World Report and part of the iSchool consortium, the MI prepares you for careers in library science, data science and information management.

Attend our SC&I Open House to meet faculty, staff and current students. Attend in person or join us online via live stream.

RSVP to attend or learn more:

comminfo.rutgers.edu/montclair

Save the Date comminfo.rutgers.edu/montclair Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey

00569 SCI AD Montclair HLF_PG.indd 1

3/23/2015 9:43:08 PM

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 7

FEATURE

WANT TO BE A FEATURE WRITER? The Montclarion Feature section includes a variety of topics from fashion trends of the season to health and fitness to money-saving tips.

Contact MontclarionFeature@gmail.com for more information.

PAGE 8 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

Help Wanted Place YOUR Classified Ad right here on The Montclarion website. LOW RATES & EXTENDED EXPOSURE. CLASSIFIEDS PLACED NOW RUN THROUGH THE END OF THE SEMESTER!!! For more info Email MontclarionAdSales@gmail.com or call Don Spielvogel 973-655-5237 or 215-860-5533.

Learn cursive handwriting in the Montclair/Clifton area. Fun, interesting and reasonable. Don’t depend on the computer.

Call Dee at (201) 315-0476.

Seeking warm, energetic, and reliable afterschool driving babysitter for kids ages 4 & 7 in Upper Montclair. 16 hours per week.

Excellent references and clean driving record required. Email dogoodwork2@ yahoo.com with resume/experience.

Experienced, energetic and reliable babysitters wanted for our 7 year old son in Nutley. Occasional afternoons / weekends. $15.00 & up/hour. Contact Linda at lindaturiya@yahoo.com or call (973) 508-8868 (Leave a Message).

P/T after-school sitter in Fair Lawn to drive kids 7/13/16 to activities, supervise playdates and homework for the youngest. Flexible Hours! Must like dogs & cats. Email jdavisswing@yahoo.com.

Babysitter wanted 24-32 hours a week to manage 3 kids. 12:30-8 P.M. Mon, Wed, Thurs. Looking for a “take charge” person with previous experience. Nonsmoker and fluent in English. Driving not necessary. Call Melissa (973) 7077088 or email Mlisdona@yahoo.com.

Seeking reliable, driving babysitter in Livingston for two young girls starting Jan 2015. Mon/Tues/Wed. Hours 2-5:30P.M. Must hold valid drivers’ license & pick up children in your vehicle. Email Livingstonfamily2013@ gmail.com with resume/experience. $15 per hour occasional sitter needed for 8 year old girl and 6 year old boy in Montclair. As needed/as available position.

Most hours will be weekday afternoons.

Must have a car, be responsive and resposible. Email ecroarkin@hotmail.com Established local Pet Care Service is seeking a responsible & honest animal lover. Varied weekday hours, may also include some weekends, holidays & evenings. Must have reliable car. Good source of supplemental income. Email: grmelmtc@gmail.com or call Mel 973432-2023 9:00 AM-1:00 PM. Mon.-Fri. All About Cleaning New Jersey is looking for a student to clean every Thursday 9 AM – 4 PM or until job is completed up until 5:00 PM. $10.00 / hr. Must be able to drive to West Caldwell, need to pass a background check, have a positive attitude, be in good health & be able to move furniture on occasion. Call Janice 908-244-3884.

P/T Nanny needed in Glen Ridge to care for 3 children – (ages 3/6/9) from 12:30 5 PM. Mon.-Fri. Must have valid driver’s license with clean record & must be comfortable with a sweet Great Dane. Local driving only. May be willing to allow for share position if everyday conflicts with your class schedule. Email: Amanda_lonergan04@yahoo.com.

Classifieds Help Wanted

The Montclarion is THE PERFECT place to advertise for Summer Help! For more info Email MontclarionAdSales@gmail.com or call Don Spielvogel 973-655-5237 or 215-860-5533.

Nutley family seeks P/T nanny for two kids ages 2 & 7. Mon.-Fri., 4:00-7:30 P.M. Pick-up from school, homework help & dinner prep.

Email bethcarey@hotmail.com.

P/T Afternoon nanny in Montclair for one sweet little boy age 10 months. Call Brooke at 631-327-5513.

Paid intern needed for Montclair homebased Real estate marketing business. Excellent admin, HTML, social media (FB, You Tube, Twitter) skills a must. $15/hr to start. Raise on performance. Motivated and confident. Must have a car. Email Ken@ FriendindeedLLC.com or call (917) 543-2812.

P/T & F/T - Little Angels School House of Chatham, NJ is looking for energetic individuals. Duties include implementing lesson plans & assisting with meals/naps/diapering/ potty training. Contact Jade (973) 701-8303 or email rnuman@littleangelsschoolhouse.com.

Do you mix languages when texting or Facebook chatting (e.g., Ciao Ana, come stai?

Wanna go to the mall? or Pick me up cherez polchasa; Spasibo:-)? I will purchase your messages. Email Dr. Susana Sotillo: Sotillos@ mail.montclair.edu for details.

Bnai Keshet, Montclair, seeks a leader for our developing Jewish Teen Program, to begin immediately. Contact RabbiAriann@ bnaikeshet.org for more information.

Rooms for Rent Save $$$. Female students, grads. Summer or fall room rentals. June thru August or 2015 school year. Furnished, across from campus. Internet inc. Singles or share. Available June (possibly May). Call 973-778-1504.

Female graduate student/staff. Lovely room, private bath and parking. Light kitchen use and deck. Available March 1st. 2.4 mi from MSU in Clifton. Non-smoker. $1200.

Call Diane at (201) 315-0476.

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Upcoming Events FMES: Bake Sale Thursday, April 2 10:00 a.m., PA Lobby

MSA: Bake Sale Tuesday, April 7 10:00 a.m., DI Lobby

Japan Club: Children’s Day Thursday, April 2 3:00 p.m., SC Lobby

Management Club: MeetMyProfessor Wednesday, April 8 2:30 p.m., SC 419

UAASO: Bubble Tea & Open Mic Night Thursday, April 2 7:00 p.m., SC Rathskeller MUG: Super Smash Bros.

Wii U Tournament Thursday, April 2 8:00 PM, UN 2004 Bonner AmeriCorps Bake Sale Monday, April 6 11:00 a.m., PA Lobby

UAASO: Henna Tattoos Wednesday, April 8 5:00 PM, SC Rathskeller hYp3notic: Rip The Runway: Celebrity Day Fashion Show Wednesday, April 8 7:00 p.m., SC Ballrooms

4th Annual Concert to Benefit Autism New Jersey Featuring Tony award nominee Stephanie Block UAASO: Date Auction Monday, May 4 Monday, April 6 7:30 p.m., Memorial Auditorium 7:00 p.m., SC Dining Rm Hosted by PRSSA from Montclair State and Fairleigh Dickinson Global Medical Brigades Blood Drive Tickets are $10 for students Tuesday, April 7 $15 for non-students 9:00 a.m., SC Ballroom A

Have an event coming up?

Let us know!

Email Montclarionproduction@gmail.com

Interested in advertising with The Montclarion?

Private room with bath for female. Near campus off Valley Road in Clifton. Available immediately. $550.00 per month.

Call Joan (973) 279-7294.

Email Montclarionadsales@gmail.com For more information and details

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 9

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PAGE 10 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

Toons

Lunch in the Student Center by joe stansbury

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Opinion

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 11

Bringing Down the Red Hawk Nest

Christian Ruiz| The Montclarion

M

ontclair State University has shown a lot of school spirit in the past year—maybe too much. Taking the time to support your school and its sports teams is a great way to bolster the camaraderie in the campus community and make connections that can last a lifetime, but students have recently been taking their Red Hawk pride too far.

Take, for example, the overwhelming support for the women’s basketball team during their journey to the NCAA Division III Final Four. We understand that this was a recordbreaking accomplishment for the team, which has just been doing a stellar job for the past few years, but there may be such a thing as too much support.

Students have become belligerent when turned away from

Panzer Athletic Center, which was filled to maximum occupancy night after night. The overwhelming shouts of support actually shattered some of the windows in the building, leaving glass all over the floor.

Students have not stopped with these rallies, either. Eager for a space big enough to accommodate the big love that students have for their student athletes, some have taken to change.org, petitioning the administration to construct a new stadium that can fit all students, staff and individuals outside of the university who want to see sports games.

Ideally, this facility would have a turf field that is able to be flipped over to become a basketball court in less than five minutes and 25,000 seats to ensure that everyone has the chance to cheer on the Red Hawks without being turned away.

With only a limited amount of money to spend on creating outward displays of school spirit, it is important to remember that Montclair State must choose its battles when it comes to showing off its red and white.

Right now, university officials are busy working on the highly anticipated Red Hawk statue, which we all cannot wait to see completed. At this point in time, we should focus our attention and positive energy on making sure this statue is the symbol of Red Hawk pride that we all have dreamed about since our first day at the university.

After this project is completed (less than 200 days away, if all goes according to plan!), then we will have time to bring these plans to the Board of Trustees and administration and make it clear that we need a facility at this school to accommodate our

outbursts of pride.

Another way to keep our pride more appropriate is to correct our etiquette at sports events. Rather than storming the field or court after a game and overwhelming the coaches and players, who have complained of minor injuries and lost articles of clothing from being bombarded after games, we should respect our players more and give them the personal space they need.

Additionally, cheering so loudly that we are affecting the architecture of the building by shattering windows and shaking the foundation by jumping up and down put our current venues for sporting events, however incompetent they are, in jeopardy. We all want our sports teams to have a place to play in and to feel comfortable while they are playing so that they can succeed in their games

and excel as players. Therefore, it’s better for us to tone down the enthusiasm just a smidge in order to make it clear that we are concerned for the personal safety of spectators and fans.

We all know that our school spirit can barely be contained and that sports games are by far the most well-advertised and attended events on campus.

But we want to make Montclair State safe for everyone and not literally rock the house with our pride.

We know that our level of spirit will never change, but we want people to exhibit a little self-control and consideration about our pride priorities before our enthusiasm puts our fellow Red Hawks at risk.

Question of the Week:

Thumbs Up CARS cleanse

How do you feel about the Rugrats taking over the Board of Trustees?

“Rugrats for BOT!”

Actual cannibal Shia LeBouf

“I totally think that they are going to do an awful job.

Like, who is letting them join the Board?”

-Danny Phantom, Justice Studies, Freshman

Bananas and Lemons

-Angelica Pickles, Journalism, Senior

“No”/ “Yes”

Crocs No weekend trains Jupiter Ascending Contact The Montclarion’s opinion section at montclarionopinion@gmail. com to find out more

about publishing your opinions.

“I do not think they represent me or our campus. Their idea of a adventure is going to the park. Adventure is out in the wild to be discovered.”

-Eliza Thornberry, Biology, Sophomore

-CatDog, Philosophy/Dance, Seniors

“Yeah, that is going to be rad, bro. I met them once at the Shore Shack and they were chill.”

-Otto Rocket, Physical Education, Junior

PAGE 12 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

themontclarion.org

The Cold Never Bothered Us Anyway

MSU administration’s mea culpa in the wake of Snowpocalypse 2015

D

e a r Red Hawks, It has been brought to our attention that our actions this winter MONTCLAIR STATE UNIVER- season may SITY ADMINIS- have upset some of the TRATION students OPEN LETTER and faculty members. It appears we did not have stable enough Wi-Fi connection anywhere on campus and were thus unable to read

any of your tweets, Facebook comments, emails, news articles or any form of bad publicity up until now when the snow had already melted.

For those of you who were distressed by our decision to keep the university open even during a state of emergency, We would like to offer you our sincerest apologies.

It appears we have watched Frozen a few too many times this semester and we should have gotten the message that you all did not want to build a snowman on your way to class

in the icy tundra. Point taken.

To address the concerns we received from commuter students who make up over 60 percent of our student body, we apologize for not having the parking lots cleared and roads plowed for your safety in driving to and from campus.

Honestly, we had hoped more of you would simply sled to class because, between us, those roads were pretty dangerous.

In retrospect, there were some signs that we should have seen when deciding to keep the school open during a snowpocalypse. We will admit that

when every single university in the state of New Jersey closed for the day, We were hesitant but held our ground. And when the Governor declared a state of emergency and told everyone to stay off the roads, we thought that might be applicable to our students but then we thought, hmm, better not.

We wish we could say that we have no regrets about this winter, but we know that we have upset many of the students and have put professors in an unpleasant position by turning them into the bad guy for holding classes. This is simply

because we insisted on students bracing the U.S. Postal service creed of “neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night” to prevent MSU from operating.

We give you all our word that we will be better next year.

You have our word that if there is over four feet of snow, we will be sure to cancel!

Enjoy your spring, Montclair State Administration

Christine Gianakis, a Political Science and Communications major, contributed to this article.

Will Ted Cruz Make Presidential News?

Cruz’s reveals love for Dr. Suess and ambition for presidential power

T

ed Cruz, a junior United States Senator from Texas, became the first DANIEL candidate FALKENHEIM to announce COLUMNIST that he will be running for President in the 2016 election.

If you have heard of him, it’s probably because he infamously read Green Eggs and Ham while giving a 21 hour speech on the Senate floor. It’s okay if you haven’t because we’re about to see that his poetry skills are as futile as his presidential aspirations.

The Montclarion has obtained copies of poems written by Ted Cruz that were submitted to a poetry competition. He submitted them under the name “Ted Cruise”, however. When he read Green Eggs and Ham during his speech, we should have seen

it for what it really was: Ted Cruz’s deep appreciation for Dr. Seuss and poetry in general.

According to the contest guideline, one poem about one’s views and one about the future had to be submitted. The first poem, as originally obtained: I am Ted, Ted I am.

Do you like Obamacare?

I do not like Obamacare.

I would not like it here or there.

I would not like it anywhere.

I do not want it in my state, It’s unconstitutional, and that’s not up for debate.

I do not like that health care plan!

I’ll even ban it if I can!

Not in a boat.

Not up for vote.

I would not, could not on any day.

Stop! And get your government hands away.

Because I know everyone couldn’t get enough of the first

poem, here’s the second poem: Oh! The places I’ll go!

I have a Bible in hand. I have God in my heart.

I can give America a brand new start.

I’m on my own. And I know what I know.

And I am the guy who’ll decide where we’ll go.

I look up and down the streets.

Look ‘em over with despair.

About some I say, “Poor people don’t deserve to be there!”

With my Bible in hand and God in my heart, I’m too smart to let America fall apart!

Scandals can happen, and frequently do.

To people that hate me, as they do.

Oh the places I’ll go! There is fun to be done!

There are votes to be counted, elections to be won.

Power! I’ll be as powerful as power can be,

With the whole wide world watching me rule on TV! Ted Cruz’s obsession with Green Eggs and Ham is quite ironic because it provides the lesson that one might actually like something if they try it.

Imagine if Ted Cruz genuinely tried the Affordable Care Act and gave it a chance! Recent reports have suggested that he signed up for Obamacare, but he’ll probably use it as an opportunity to criticize it even more.

Ted Cruz will not get the Republican nomination for president. However, he’ll be a candidate that will be in it until the end and take a couple of other presidential hopefuls. He definitely has the charisma needed for a president, but his ideas lack polish and are unpopular outside of his base supporters.

Will Republicans really be confident in a candidate that so adamantly adores Dr. Seuss? After all, Dr. Seuss was a

liberal that supported Franklin D. Roosevelt and even thought Americans’ fear of communism was overblown. In addition, some of his stories subliminally attack consumerism and racial inequality. How could a Republican ever win a primary when he associates with someone like that?

With all the unusual characters featured in Dr. Seuss’s books, Ted Cruz seems to fit right in. We should have expected his love of poetry and literature, because there are already kid’s coloring books that are about the life of Ted Cruz.

His poetry is corny at best.

I would tell him to keep his day job, but his political career might not end up being that much better.

Daniel Falkenheim, a Journalism major, is in his first year as a columnist for The Montclarion.

Time To Get Our Parking Priorities Straight Who needs parking, when we could have new shiny stuff?

A

s my junior year at Montclair State University is coming to a KRISTEN close, I have BRYFOGLE come to the OPINION EDITOR realization that I have remained silent on an issue near to my heart for far too long. As a residential student who is clearly qualified to speak about the issue, I feel that I must bring up one of the biggest issues at this institution which has flown under the radar for far too long: parking.

Unlike many other universities, at which students complain about there not being enough parking to go around, at Montclair, the issue is that there is way too much parking. I mean, two entire parking decks, plus another one owned by NJ Transit on campus for over 13,000 commuters, plus faculty, staff, visitors to campus and any of the 5,000 residents who park their car on campus?

It is absolutely ludicrous to provide so much space on campus to accommodate commuters when there is really no need to. When was the last time you saw CarParc Diem full in the middle of the day? When was the last time the Transit shuttle actually picked someone up or dropped someone off at the Lot 60 stop? There is way too much space than necessary and something must be done to make our situation with parking better.

I think that the best option is to knock down CarParc and put something really useful to Montclair State University students and staff in that spot, like a fourth on-campus swimming pool that is open to all the students who flock to the University in the summer.

Think of how much more useful a pool would be than a parking deck in either of these locations. Professors could hold their office hours there, talking about hydrogen bonds and Chaucer while lounging poolside. Or, if we tear down Red Hawk Deck, we could make an even larger bronze statue, one

that could be seen from New York City, so that those who look in our direction from the Manhattan skyline will know that we have Red Hawk pride.

That is what Montclair State University really needs, not another place for students and faculty to park.

If we start here, we could give the parking system an entire overhaul. We could start charging students more money to park on campus, since the price of a parking pass right now is a measly $250 for a commuter pass and $300 for an NJ Transit pass. If we upped these prices, we could definitely fund even more useful and necessary projects, like paying a team of organizers to come up with a new school slogan and make a bunch of merchandise and signage that says it: “It’s All Here, Except for Parking.”

Additionally, I have seen way too few police officers at Montclair State giving out tickets. I have heard of students leaving their cars unattended in a parking lot that they were not permitted to park in for hours

and getting away scott-free.

That cannot happen anymore.

Parking in the incorrect parking space is a threat to student safety and the natural order of the university (and the universe.) If we start penalizing those who violate parking with tickets and booting them once they reach a certain amount of violations, then we could have a safer campus community and also use the funds we gather from those tickets to improve something on campus, perhaps a project more useful and necessary to all students and faculty than those which just pertain to commuters.

Forget about fixing the potholes on Clove Road. What we really need is a trampolineroom at the Student Rec Center!

Those are the type of projects that really benefit everyone at this university.

The campus community really needs to stop working so hard to make life easier for commuters. What’s really at stake if they can’t find a place to park on campus? It’s not like they’re jeopardizing their education

to hunt for a parking space for an hour, making them late for class.

That has never been a problem here, so I ask, why all the consideration for commuter students, who make up only a fraction of the student population?

Red Hawks, it’s time to focus on what really matters at Montclair State University: building shiny new things and making ourselves look nice to incoming freshmen and potential investors so that we can continue to grow our empire. Some students may have to be late for a few classes if tearing down a parking deck makes finding a parking space more difficult or may have to skip a few meals if their parking ticket fees pile up, but what’s more important: our education and wellbeing or boosting the school’s reputation on The Princeton Review?

Kristen Bryfogle, a Classic and English major, is in her first year as the Opinion Edtior for The Montclarion.

The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 13

themontclarion.org

‘Breaking Bad’ Causes Pizza Disrespect Don’t throw your precious pizza on the roof in imitation of Walter White

E

veryone loves pizza on the house, but that has taken on a whole new EMILY ROVNER meaning for ASST. OPINION one woman in AlbuquerEDITOR que, N.M. Recently, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan stressed that fans follow the golden rule to respect others. That came as an important reminder when fans learned that people had been attempting to recreate the fa-

mous Breaking Bad scene where Walter White throws a pizza on the roof of his home at the actual Albuquerque home.

Nearly five years after that episode aired, Gilligan used a Better Call Saul podcast to address his frustrations. “There is nothing original or funny or cool about throwing pizza on the roof of this Albuquerque residence,” said Gilligan.

Obviously, the current situation is a tad bit funny, but what is not funny is trespassing and disrespecting a person’s private property. No one deserves to have their rights violated sim-

ply because they live in a home that was featured on a television show. The people who reside in the Breaking Bad house are just everyday people trying to live out their lives.

These people do not mind fans visiting and taking pictures. They just ask that their property and privacy is respected when doing so. Gilligan asks any fan who witnesses people disrespecting the Breaking Bad house or surrounding neighborhood to speak up.

As for the vandals, actor Jonathan Banks, who plays Mike Ehmantraut, vows to person-

ally hunt down anyone who he catches harming the Albuquerque home.

Not only are Banks and Gilligan clearly upset by people’s disregard for privacy and property, but they are also upset by people’s blatant disregard for one of the best foods on Earth: pizza. Banks was at loss for words, unable to understand why one would waste a perfectly good pizza like that. Gilligan added, “Pizza is too good to waste.”

With pizza being such an amazing food, it needs to be treated with respect, not thrown

on rooftops. Rooftops are unable to enjoy pizza the way it is meant to be enjoyed. Pizza requires one’s full respect.

Since 2008, Breaking Bad has taught valuable life skills such as laundering drug money and how to deal with people who are disliked. Even two years after the show has ended, Breaking Bad is teaching the need to respect privacy, property and pizza.

Emily Rovner, a Political Science and Jurisprudence major, is in her first year as the Assistant Opinion Editor for The Montclarion.

Religious Freedom Act Creates Freedom Maintaining the status quo of discrimination: a sacred American value

A

nd they say that April Fool’s Day doesn’t provide us with some great NICHOLAS DA laughs! Well SILVA last ThursCOLUMNIST day, the April Fool’s Day festivities started early in Indiana when its Governor Mike Pence decided to sign a new law called the Religious Freedom Act. Set to take effect on July, the law would allow businesses in the state to turn away LGBT customers if their sexuality goes against the beliefs of the business owner. The intention of the Religious Freedom Act is to protect people’s religious beliefs through discriminating against members of the LGBT community because of their own beliefs. I for one think that this bill will have a significant effect on the future of Indiana and it already has given the overwhelmingly positive reaction to it’s signing.

Ever since the bill was passed on Thursday, many have taken to social media to express their jubilance over the Religious Freedom Act. In fact, the bill’s passing was almost immediately met with a nationwide trend on Twitter with people posting #BoycottIndiana in their Tweets of joy over the new law.

Star Trek alum George Takei took to Facebook to sing the praises of Governor Mike Pence for his terrific decision. In his monologue of praise, Takei stated the following, “[Mike Pence] has made it clear that LGBT couples…are now unwelcome in his state.”

Indeed he has, Uncle George, indeed he has. Takei is a member of the LGBT community himself, and is currently married to his husband of over six years. So for a TV legend like Takei who is himself gay to give his stamp of approval on the bill has to mean that this was a great decision right?

In addition to Takei, mega pop-star Miley Cyrus took to Instagram to state her delight over the law “You’re an a*****e @govpenceIN… the only place that has more idiots [than] Instagram is in politics.” It makes sense that Cyrus would respond to Governor Pence’s decision given that he is taking a wrecking ball to the rights and equality of LGBT citizens in the state of Indiana.

But beyond people’s reactions to this wonderful new law, we should think about how this will impact Indiana, and many other states. Through the passing of the Religious Freedom Act, certain businesses will want nothing to do with Indiana because of fear that the owners of local stores will turn away LGBT customers.

Officially, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff announced on his Twitter account that the cloud computing company would no longer officiate programs that would require customers or employees to go to Indiana due to the fear that they may face discrimination. The state of Indiana is already losing business through this new law and losing business is always the key to making sure that a state remains financially prosperous.

Many businesses run in Indiana like St. Elmo Steakhouse, Corner Wine Bar and Wellington Pub, Taylor’s Bakery and Classic Cakes have all stated that in spite of the new law, all customers of any sexuality are welcome to come to their places of business.

What this proves is that the Religious Freedom Act is so incredible that businesses in Indiana are unwilling to impose it for fear that their businesses will be impacted by the law’s bodacious awesomeness. So what’s the purpose of passing a law that many businesses will be ignoring anyway?

To send an important message to the citizens of our nation of course — one that will resonate for years to come through the passing of this law.

Our nation’s children need to know that discrimination in this country is still legal and that it is okay to mistreat others because of their sexuality or race or even

gender. I mean, we are less than a month off of members of the Oklahoma Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity being caught on tape singing racist chants on their fraternity’s bus. It is not like any of the students got in any trouble for their actions, am I right? With college kids singing racist songs and governors using their power to allow store owners to discriminate against the LGBT community, things couldn’t possibly get better for the United States of America if people were riding on horses while wearing their bed sheets over their heads.

To be fair, the Religious Freedom Act isn’t quite as progres-

In response to “The Defamation of Grover Furr” by Jack Smith IV, published on Dec. 13, 2012

top grade laurels?’ That’s from Kingsley Amis.”

Andy Golub

“It’s genuinely very complicated in this active life to listen news on TV, so I simply use the web for that purpose, and obtain the most recent news.”

In response to “James Franco Stars in ‘Howl’” by Mark Gould, published on Sept. 29, 2010

lett Johansson, Daniel Radcliffe, Alison Brie, Eva Green, Emmy Rossum, Jennifer Connelly, Eric Dane, Jeremy Jordan, Joel Kinnaman.

“Actors with Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers, who themselves were either raised as Jews and/or identify as Jews: Andrew Garfield, Ezra Miller, Gwyneth Paltrow, Alexa Davalos, Nat Wolff, James Maslow, Josh Bowman, Ben Foster, Nikki Reed, Zac Efron, Jonathan Keltz.

“Actors with one Jewishborn parent and one parent who converted to Judaism: Dianna Agron, Sara Paxton (whose father converted, not her mother), Alicia Silverstone, Jamie-Lynn Sigler.”

“Nice post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I am impressed! Very useful info specifically the last part :) I maintain such information much. I used to be looking for this certain info for a long time.

Thank you and good luck.”

Jennifer In response to “Robert Ragosta and Travis McGee of Patent Pending Talk to Young Fans” by 050f69sv0n, published on Dec. 2, 2011 “Here’s a quote about John D. Macdonald that I often see bouncing around the web (I hesitate to quote from Wikipeida, which we all know is generally stuff we can wipe our asses with, but this seems legit).

‘Macdonald is by any standards a better writer than Saul Bellow, only Macdonald writes thrillers and Bellow is a human heart chap, so guess who wears the

“For future reference: “Actors of fully Jewish background: Logan Lerman, Natalie Portman, Joseph GordonLevitt, Mila Kunis, Bar Refaeli, James Wolk, Julian Morris, Esti Ginzburg, Kat Dennings, Erin Heatherton, Odeya Rush, Anton Yelchin, Paul Rudd, Scott Mechlowicz, Lizzy Caplan, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Gal Gadot, Robert Kazinsky, Melanie Laurent, Marla Sokoloff, Shiri Appleby, Justin Bartha, Adam Brody, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Gabriel Macht, Halston Sage, Seth Gabel and Alden Ehrenreich.

“Actors with Jewish mothers and non-Jewish fathers: Jake Gyllenhaal, Dave Franco, Scar-

Dee

sive and totally necessary as something like the Jim Crow laws, but it is the kind of thing we need to show our nation’s youth that ignorance and intolerance of others is the key to making our nation grow and prosper in the future. Governor Mike Pence’s decision to legalize this bill is one that will benefit everyone, except of course those living in Indiana who want to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex that they are.

Nicholas Da Silva, a Journalism major, is in her first year as the Managing Editor for The Montclarion.

For more information, contact montclarionopinion@gmail.com

Computer Laptop Shopping In response to “Title Fight Saves Bellator 106” written by Andrew Guadagnino, published on Nov. 6, 2013 “Hello! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iPhone!

Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the great work!”

In response to “It’s Oscar Time Again Educated Predictions” by Ken Macri, published on Jan. 24, 2013

Concerning Editorials and Columns

Scaffolding Northeast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We at The Montclarion created “The Voices in Our Webs” in an effort to provide an open forum for the unheard voices of our community. All comments are edited for grammar and spelling. It is at The Montclarion’s discretion to abstain from printing any comments deemed offensive to staff, students or persons in particular. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ XOXO The Montclarion staff <3

Main editorials appear on the first page of the Opinion section. They are unsigned articles that represent the opinion of the editorial board on a particular issue.

Columns are written by individuals and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Montclarion staff.

Entertainment

PAGE 14 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

Deities in Diapers Vol.1

Blue Ivy Carter and North West Drop Summer Mixtape Theadora Lecour Entertainment Editor

themontclarion.org

Oscars Apologize for Award Mix-up Awije Bahrami Entertainment Editor

Photos courtesy of wikipedia.org

Photos courtesy of wikipedia.org Blue Ivy Carter, left and North West, right, responding to press.

Babies Blue Ivy and North West have officially announced the release date of their first collaborative mixtape, Deities in Diapers Vol 1. On July 4, no one will remember when Kim Kardashian broke the internet. The project is especially impressive considering the mix tape is due to be released only months after the artists’ actual birth dates. According to producer Timbaland, three-year-old Blue Ivy could be considered the commander of the project while twenty-one-month-old North West could be considered the “creative visionary.” Babies at home are sure to be listening because this is exactly what the future sounds like.

The mixtape features several hot up-and-coming infants. Ciara’s ninemonth-old, Future Zahir Wilburn and Kelly Rowland’s four-month-old, Titan Jewell Witherspoon, debut the bars they have been working on every day from morning nap to evening nap in club banger, Teething is a B****.

According to the pre-released track-list, Carrie Underwood’s son Isaiah Michael Fisher is also featured on the country single, Country Babes. If there is one thing we know about this collaboration, it’s that it is going to be hard.

Beyonce, Jay-Z, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have stated that they are not helping the babies with their project in any way shape or form.

West told an inside source that North and Blue joined forces on their playdates. North slipped to her LA Jamboree class last week that “This will be the most historical event in music history for this generation of all living people on Earth everywhere.”

For hip-hop fans Deities in Diapers Vol.1 is obviously a must-listen. Updates on the development of the project will be forced down everyone’s throat regardless of interest.

Michael Keaton, left and Richard Linklater, right, responding to press.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has issued a press release stating that the Academy has denied Birdman: or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) the Oscar for Best Picture.

The press release further said that there was a problem with the Academy’s computer system and that it miscalculated the votes.

As a result the wrong name was printed on the envelope. It has been confirmed that the vast majority of the jury has voted for Boyhood for the Best Picture award.

A spokesperson for the Academy said that this has never happened in the history of the award show. The producers of Birdman have declined to comment. A producer of Boyhood told The Montclarion that he had a queasy feeling when Birdman was announced for Best Picture. “I

knew something was wrong,” said Franzis Kafka. “We worked on this movie for 13 years. I fully expected us to get recognition for bringing something as new, innovative and fresh as Boyhood.”

Johannes Gothe, a board member of the Academy, said that the Academy didn’t realize that something was wrong when Birdman was announced on the night of Feb. 22. “As juries started talking to each other in the following weeks and months, they realized that the majority of them voted for Boyhood. So we decided to do another vote on who should officially get the Best Picture Award,” said Gothe. He expressed his sincerest apologies to everyone who was involved in the production of Birdman. “We will make sure that such unlucky events will not happen again.”

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 15

Air Bud

Parental discretion advised Zachary Case Assistant Copy Editor

Photo Courtesies of Wikipedia.org

Hannah Montana Reunion Tour Samantha King Assistant Entertainment Editor

In 2010 Miley Cyrus released her third album Can’t Be Tamed.

Since then, she has confirmed that statement to be very true. Miley’s bad-girl hippie persona started with her pixie cut and has been sustained with her public sexual behavior and consumption in marijuana culture.

Miley officially took off her blonde wig in 2011 and waved goodbye to the other side of her, Hannah Montana—until now.

On April 1, a statement was released by Miley’s publicist officially announcing a Hannah Montana reunion tour. Miley had originally stated that if she ever did a Hannah Montana reunion tour, she would do so in her current edgy persona; however, after signing the tour under a contract with Disney, it is official that her 2008 wardrobe will be making a full return.

In addition to the official statement, Miley posted a picture of the legendary long-lost blonde wig to her Twitter account with the caption, “I GOT NERVE.” The tour is currently set for this summer, with ticket sales beginning on April 15.

Opening the tour will be Disney artists Zendaya, R5 and Zayn Malik. This will be Zayn’s first tour since his departure from One Direction in March 2015. Miley looks forward to working with past colleagues under the Disney name.

Accompanying Miley on the entire tour will be her mother Tish, younger sister Noah and older brother Trace. Miley’s close relationship with her family will serve as her support on tour as she leaves behind a lifestyle of sex, drugs and racy Instagram photos.

Air Bud (release date unknown, assumed to be 2015) is one of the most baffling movies of the 21st century. I found a VHS tape of it at a yard sale hosted by a mysterious hooded man. The title of the movie was written in red sharpie on the tape, although the lettering had an odd copper-like smell to it, almost like... the smell of blood.

In the opening of the film, a family purchases a golden retriever christened “Buddy” from a puppy mill built on an Indian burial ground. The odd human-like groaning sounds the dog makes alarms the family, but they are still charmed by his silky-smooth coat and his winning personality. The next day, Buddy demonstrates a miraculous proclivity toward the sport of basketball, so the family decides to exploit his skills for the sake of earning Nike endorsement money.

The special effects in this movie were inconsistent. The scenes of Buddy playing basketball did not effectively produce the illusion of a dog performing slam dunks, as it was quite clear he was levitated into the air via strings. The blood, on the other hand, was so eerily convincing that I can only describe it as “hyper-realistic.”

Speaking of blood, I was utterly flabbergasted by the dark turn this family movie took. After being forced to practice for six hours straight by the cruel and avaricious father, Buddy whispers, “That’s the last straw” toward the screen. When his family is asleep, the dog runs up the stairs with a knife in his mouth and starts butchering the family members one by one - the teenage son, the

mother, even the poor daughter. The father wakes up in the middle of his wife’s dismemberment in utter shock and alarm, spurring Buddy to say, “I’m saving the best for last” and then breath fire onto the patriarch. The final shot of the film is of Buddy facing the camera with blood streaming from his eyes as the father’s agonizing screams continue into the fadeout.

I’m conflicted about Air Bud. On one hand, it is completely unsuitable to be watched by the whole family despite its relatively charming and clean first half; on the other hand, it is one of the most compelling and realistic horror films in recent memory.

I get the feeling that I may have not even seen Air Bud, as I peeled the label off the tape and discovered “Air Blood” written underneath it. Overall, I give this film one thumb up and one thumb to the side.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.org

Students enjoying Ramapo College’s beautiful 300-acre campus.

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Registration is currently open to visiting students.

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themontclarion.org

PAGE 16 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

Department of Theatre and Dance

Danceworks Inspiration!

A Choreographic Offering

Running Spirits

Rite

Continuo

Megalopolis

A Note for the Dancer

(excerpt) by José Limón (1964)

by Antony Tudor (1971)

Symbolic Logic

by Séan Curran (1999)

All Seats

15

$

No charge for undergraduates with valid MSU ID at Kasser Box Office

by Fredrick Earl Mosley (2005)

by Nancy Lushington (2015)

by Larry Keigwin (2009)

by Kathleen Kelley (2015)

Exist in the Repeat of Practice (excerpt) by Christian Von Howard (2014)

April 9 @7:30 | April 10 @7:30 April 11@2:00 and 8:00 | April 12 @2:00 Alexander Kasser Theater

973-655-5112 | peakperfs.org Convenient parking in the Red Hawk Deck Photo provided by Montclair State University/Mike Peters

Sports

themontclarion.org

The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 17

‘The Montclarion’ Round Up Opinion

Entertainment

Everyone has an opinion! Voice your opinion! Led by the dynamic Kristen Bryfogle, you can write editorials about anything you want! Politics, sports, entertainment, pop culture; it can all be yours just for the low word count of 500 words. That’s right: 500 words!

News

The most boring section, right? Wrong!

The news section contains some of the hardest hitting stories in Montclair State history and is led by Jayna Gugliucci. You want articles about the Red Hawk statue, the mysterious red barns around campus or a well-written snowstorm article? News has you covered.

BECOME A

SP

OR

TS WRITER

Room 113 Student Center Annex in Upper Montclair, NJ 07043

Phone 973.655.5230 Fax 973.655.7804 E-mail Montclarionsports@gmail.com

The year’s Entertainment section has featured a two-headed monster at the top. Whether it’s a Rapid Fire Review, the weekly playlist or a beautifully-written Despite Arrow their 2-1 loss to

review (there are two in on Nov. 8, the D.C. United New York existence, I suggest youRed Bulls have adto the Eastern Conferfind those), youvanced can find ence Finals. all things entertainment.

Midfielder Péguy Luy-

indula netted the only Red Bulls’ goal. Luyindula, who scored once in the Red Bulls’ 2-0 win against D.C. United in the first leg of the conference semifinals, sent his side to the conference finals on a 3-2 goal aggregate.

Inside the six-yard box,

Paddy Gonzalez Luyindula slotted a cross from holds down the fort in captain Thierry Henry into the the feature section.

Everybottom right corner of United’s thing to satisfy goal your in fashthe 57th minute. fitness D.C. United’s first goal ion, nutrition and came desires can be found late herein the first half when midfielder Nick Deleon every single week. headed a cross from Taylor

Feature

Womens Lacrosse

PAGE 18 • April 1, 2015 • The Montclarion

themontclarion.org

Who’s Hot This Week

Current Stats

Thomas Formoso The Greatest FIFA Player You Know

Photo courtesy of Twitter

Does he need any introduction? He is perfect in every sense. It could be playing sports in person or playing sports video games and he could beat you.

- FIFA 15 Record: 115-0-0 - Skill Moves: Not Countable - Was a ball of rage during italy vs. uruguay last summer

Italy National Team Football, Calcio, Soccer, Futbol, etc.

Current Stats

0

They will always be the greatest, no matter what Entertainment Co-Editor Awije Bahrami (Germany fan) will say to you.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

- 4 World Cup Titles - Victims of a Bite - Victims of Bad Reffing - Still Have Gigi Buffon - Will beat Spain Eventually

Upcoming Events AC Milan vs. Palermo One will continue to underachieve while the other will help the underachieving team underachieve.

Chelsea vs. Stoke City See: UEFA Champions League Round of 16 Chelsea vs. PSG Leg 2

Mets vs. Cardinals Lol, Spring Training

Devils vs. Montreal Canadiens The Devils will continue to play old, useless veterans instead of promising prospects.

The

Montclarion Study Abroad & SPORTS Financial Aid

Did you know that you can use your financial aid to pay for some study abroad programs?

To find out more about how you can apply your financial aid to study abroad, visit: http://www.montclair.edu/global-education/study-abroad/

or come to an information session: Every Wednesday at 2:30 pm in Stone Hall, Room 215.

WANT TO BE A SPORTS WRITER? Cover all the touchdowns, goals, and everything in between.

Contact MontclarionSports@gmail.com for more information.

The Montclarion • April 1, 2015 • PAGE 19

themontclarion.org

Making the Geese Useful

Students come up with new solution to the campus-wide geese problem

All of our problems have been solved.

Kristen Bryfogle Opinion Editor

Montclair State University has a problem with geese and after many temporary fixes brought by the work of the “Geese Police,” students have joined together to come up with a solution that keeps campus free of the avian pests and promotes health at the same time: croquet.

Everyone has heard of playing croquet with flamingoes after the notion became famous in Alice in Wonderland.

Naturally, students brainstormed a similar enterprise as a method to control the geese population across campus.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

With a similar body structure to flamingoes, geese make a comparable alternative to flamingoes, which are much too expensive and rare to import to campus. Instead, students are planning to take advantage of their natural bird population on campus. As we speak, the Croquet club sports team is drawing up a proposal that will outline the conditions needed to play croquet with geese and how exactly the team plans to capture and provide for them so that they can make the best mallets possible.

Rumor has it that the red sheds that have risen up around campus are actually goose barns, where geese will

be stored and cared for by Student Recreation Center employees. The croquet team is still trying to plan the most effective way to attract the geese, but using Lombardi Sauce as bait is definitely a forerunner.

Once the geese are caught and contained, students plan to set up a croquet course in the Student Center quad, the current favorite hang-out of geese on campus. Soon, their “presents” will be replaced with merits of a different kind, as the geese will provide students an outlet to get fit and compete in croquet tournaments.

Croquet has been proven as one of the most effective workouts, competing

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with Zumba, TRX and minibands as the newest trends in fitness. Montclair State plans to add goose croquet as a Physical Education requirement, and the Rec Center plans to make the activity its first Group X activity that happens outside of the walls of its facility.

Not much research has been conducted on the effects of goose croquet on the actual geese themselves, but we can only assume that they love being put to good use for once, instead of stalking around campus, hissing at students, honking and leaving their droppings everywhere that meets the eye.

The leader in the initiative to make goose croquet a reality

believes that using the geese as a means of physical activity will clearly improve the quality of life for students, but for the geese as well.

As the goose croquet team becomes a reality, The Montclarion will begin to cover all related activities extensively, with daily updates on the newspaper’s website and hourly updates on the publication’s Twitter. Representatives from the team assure hesitant students that the change in goose-use on campus will be a honking good time.

The Montclarion Sports montclarionsports@gmail.com

Thursday, April 1, 2015

themontclarion.org

The following is an April Fool’s Day edition of The Montclarion.

All of the articles in the paper, though relating to real people or events, are not factual.

Awards Bite of the Year

Dive of the Year

The 2014 World Cup saw the return of Luis Suarez, the cannibal. Suarez channeled his inner Jurassic Park against Italy in their group stage contest. Giorgio Chiellini nearly had a chunk of his shoulder removed, as the referee didn’t even see the infraction. a minute later, uruguay scored and later won the game.

When The Netherlands and Mexico met in the knockout rounds, Arjen Robben did what he does best and blantantly dove to force a penalty kick. the late goal ended mexico’s World Cup campaign after Robben looked like he got thrown to the ground when his toe was stepped on.

Headbutt of the Year

Flying Knee of the Year

Germany and Portugal met in the group stage of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Pepe, a historically dirty player for Portugal, had another mental lapse and decided to touch heads with Germany’s Thomas Mueller and they immediately got into a shouting match. the ref immediately came over and handed Pepe the straight red card.

Mario Balotelli, a striker for Italy, had a momentary lapse of reason. Going in for a header to win the ball, Balotelli went in high and hit the defender in the head with his knee.

Remarkably, Balotelli only received a yellow card for the infringement.

Expanding into the Virtual Reality Monika Bujas Managing Editor

The NCAA made an announcement earlier today that their chair committee has been discussing an expansion into a different sort of competitive field. After pulling up YouTube videos of Mew2King, Momochi, SonicFox, Con Le and OpTic BigTymeR, the NCAA board has come to appreciate the skill, strength, practice and stamina that goes into becoming a professional gamer. The NCAA is still debating about how to go about creating a gaming league, exploring their options in dividing up the leagues.

They stated, “That to ‘git gud’ at video games and card games requires a lot of sportsmanship and training. These athletes deserve attention for their devotion to their trade and should be receiving funding from universities and us alike. We just need to build brackets and decide what games we’d like to host in our competition.”

“Will we restrict the video games portion of our tournaments to Super Smash Bros., Call of Duty, Battlefield, Street Fighter and Pokémon online? Do we only limit our card games to the Pokémon Card Game, Yu-GiOh and Magic the Gathering?

We’ve even discussed an arcade style tournament where everyone tries to outscore the top

scorers in games like Tetris and the original Donkey Kong. At this point we just don’t know.”

What we do know is that the NCAA has extended offers to Division III sports schools to test out some of their tournament ideas and see if this could launch on a national level. Susan Cole has received the bid and is very excited to setup

and host mock competitions for Montclair State gamers.

“I know we have a lot of gamers on thi s campus. I believe M.U.G. is still one of the biggest organizations on campus and I’m sure the gaming community on this campus goes beyond their members. We might not have Division I sports teams, but maybe we can become a Di-

Inside Sports p. 17

p. 18

p. 19

‘The Montclarion’ Round Up

Who’s Hot

Solving the Geese Problem

vision I gamer team,” said Cole.

If that’s the case, MSU may have to extend their athletics program and build an entire new building to house our gaming league and extend the same benefits to its athletes. There have been small discussions about adding an extension to Panzer, building new trophy cases and giving gamers the privilege to use the Academic Center for Excellence in Panzer.

If all goes well, the NCAA will consider negotiating with Twitch.tv to have exclusive rights to broadcast the tournaments on their site as well the official NCAA website.

The NCAA is also considering revising their name to the National Collegiate Athletics And Gaming Association, or the NCAAGA for short.