TURNER'S TORQUE

It happened to me again last week!

by Damian Turner

There I was, taking photos of the SsangYong Rexton on a green lane when I was approached by someone who proceeded to give me grief for being there. I’ll admit that I was a bit annoyed, and defensive, who wouldn’t be?

“You shouldn’t be here, you lot are making the countryside a mess - you should be banned.” she snarled.

I was in a shiny new Rexton, not a knackered old Discovery with 35” tyres, for goodness sake, but that's not the point.

My retort was simple and to the point. “...and I’m sick of you lot too, you flagrantly toss your rubbish and face masks on the floor without a care for the environment and animals. I have no doubt that you also walk across farmers' fields destroying their crops, too. It’s you who give walkers and those of us who enjoy the countryside a bad name. Oh, and on top of that, you’re walking in the middle of a bloody road!”

Her response was to say how dare I have the audacity to suggest that she has no respect for the countryside, and she continued to shout at me with all the passion you and I have for responsible greenlaning.

There came a point at which I had to stop her as her face was turning red, and I didn’t want to be the one responsible for her having a bloomin’ heart attack!

“Look, you didn’t like it when I was casting wrongful and negative assertions on you, how do you think I felt when you tarred me with a negative brush? There are good and bad people in both our pastimes, please don’t jump to conclusions.”

I was hoping she would calm down so we could have a genuinely decent conversation, instead she told me to f*ck off and stormed off down the road! You can’t win them all.

In other news, Muddy Madam and I would like to introduce you to the newest member of the Muddy household - meet Lilly, The Mud Life Mutt!

You’ll be seeing a lot of Lilly in future issues, as well as on social media, so as a quick introduction, Lilly is a 4 year old Lurcher (a Whippet/Staffy cross), and we’ve adopted her because Lilly’s original mum, who’s looked after her since being a 3 month old pup, recently had a massive change circumstances and could no longer give her the attention she deserves.

Let me tell you she's lucked out with us two, she'll get all the attention she ever wanted and more. You can follow Lilly’s rise to Instagram stardom @lilly_the_whiffy

muddy madam's moment - What a month!

by Karen Lee Turner

This month has been problematic in regards to creating this very magazine. Some problems were created by us, some by a not-so-fun cold and many time management issues have been caused by a furry creature.

First up, it's August and the whole of the British workforce seems to be taking a break, so it seems rude not to have one too. Every year I join tens of thousands of people in over 100 countries who participate in GISH -The Greatest International Scavenger Hunt!

Basically I spend a week doing fun, creative and decidedly odd tasks along with my team from a variety of continents. Luckily this year it started just as the magazine was published, so I got stuck in, and Damian carried on writing.

On the second week it was Damian's turn for a break, and he had lined up a press fleet Ford Nugget camper for us to get away for a few days. There is a longer story to be told later in the year, but it turned out we couldn't actually head out with the Nugget, so we just carried on working, but this is where fate came to play in disrupting our schedule.

We had been seriously considering getting another rescue cat, after the demise of our last one, Tiggs, a couple of years back, but Damian kept throwing out the idea that a dog may be the better option for our expanding waistlines. I've had both cats and dogs, so I wasn't opposed to the idea, but kept thinking a cat is so much easier (not to give you a spoiler, but I'm right about that).

Whilst wandering through Facebook I happened on a post on my sister's page that changed everything.

One recce visit, and a phone call later, Lilly was picked up, and she became part of the Turner family. Now, she is the best dog in the universe (I know, we all think that about our own fur babies, but it's true), but she has a terrible affliction - she is a time vampire who sucks all the working time out of the day. You see she has the most adorable set of puppy eyes, and she knows how to work them. She likes to wander up, bump your wrist so you stop typing, and then proceeds to stare into your soul, demanding attention, and boy does she get it!

Working from home may be great for her, but not so much for us.

Three days after Lilly arrived, so did a stinky cold! We did the tests, and no it wasn't Covid, but that didn't make the sore throats, coughing and oozings any easier to cope with, and what's more Damian had to be Best Man at wedding 5 days later.

If you are reading this on the 1st of September, then our job is done, and we actually delivered the mag despite the aforementioned 'problems', so why am I telling you all this?

Well, for a few reasons, that I would like you all to remember...

» When you have chance to play and have fun, take it.

» Everyone needs a time off, so make sure you don't work yourself into a sick bed. Whether it be a coffee break, Kit Kat break or a full on holiday, have that break, you've earned it.

» Always be on the look out and receptive to the unexpected opportunites that come along in life.

» Silver linings do exist - if we had managed to get out'n'about with the Nugget I'd have never seen the post, and wouldn't have been around to go and get our lovely little girl (A.K.A. Daddy's Little Tart!).

» Even when you think you haven't got the time, you have - this magazine proves it!

So I'll end this Muddy Madam's Moment by sending you a sloppy kiss from the prettiest girl to grace the pages of this mag, Lilly Turner.