Frelling Fireworks

by Karen Lee Turner

Since we got Lilly we don't go out on Bonfire night. To be honest we couldn't be bothered before we got her either, but now we make sure we are in with her.

Luckily Lilly is pretty good with fireworks, she probably stresses more in cars than she does with fireworks, but it's the ones that boom so loud that you think Concorde has restarted flying, and has just gone supersonic over your house, that give her a little bit of concern.

After reading books when we got her we learned that we shouldn't make a fuss or even acknowledge there is an issue as you can pass the idea that there is something they should be concerned about on to your pet (it supposedly works on kids too), so when we are with her in the lounge if a particularly loud one goes off she may look up from her slumber, but then sees that we aren't bothered and goes back to sleep.

It's a slightly different matter if we are split up, me downstairs in the kitchen, Damian in the upstairs office. If she's in the lounge and banging starts she heads up the stairs and plonks herself smack bang between us at the top of the stairs. She isn't daft as that is the most sound insulated place in the house, which is directly under a radiator, and approximately half a second either way from her mum and dad. Safe and warm.

This is the bit where I get to rant about fireworks. Well it's not actually fireworks, it is about the utter prats that are allowed to get their hands on them!!

I reckon 98% of people who buy fireworks do it with the best intentions and use them on Bonfire Night. These are the people who wait until night time, and usually set them off around 7pm to 9pm. These are not the 'prats' I am referring to.

The prats are the 2% of utter morons that think fireworks are for causing mayhem, frightening people and animals, and generally being nuisances. By and large, the age range of the cretins doing this around our area are mid to late teens, and they seem to have nothing better to do. This is not me being a grumpy old woman, but at 53 probably I am one of those too, but it is me being a grumpy pet owner.

Don't get me wrong, I actually love fireworks.

I like the big bangs, and revel in the sparkly palm trees and crackling cascades of sparks at organised events. I used to love setting off my own box of Standard fireworks on Bonfire Night, but it frelling annoys me that it is not just a night anymore, it is now 'firework month', and you cannot predict when or where the prats will strike.

Being a sensible dog owner I know that when it's heading towards the big day our walks need to be done earlier, so that we get back in before it goes dark, and so plan accordingly. But what I can't plan for is the prats (oh, and by the way, when I write 'prat' imagine a stronger word, because that is what I'm really thinking).

This year, the amount of times that Damian or I went out with Lilly in bright daylight, only to jump out of our skin as the Blitz began over our heads. Obviously this just made Lilly want to head straight back home.

It isn't just about dogs either. When we've had cats in the past they liked being outside. One year we had made the usual preparations, and let Malcolm out in the morning so that all his wandering would be done before the light went down. Around 3pm he still hadn't made it back so I went out to call him. He quickly appeared and was heading towards me, only to have a close-by neighbour begin to let off huge fireworks. With the first bang Malcolm freaked out and scarpered.

Oh, the air was blue when I marched round the corner to find out what the f**k they were doing setting off fireworks in the middle of the afternoon. They stopped sharply at my urging, and didn't start again until I found Malcolm and we retreated to the safety of the house.

The best bit about fireworks is seeing the amazing colours against the night sky, so, to me, letting them off in daylight is an utter waste of time and money......unless that is, you are a total prat, and all you are trying to do is to scare people, and their pets. This is really what needs addressing.

Some things have changed for the better over the years due to social pressures. Many supermarkets have switched to only selling fireworks a couple of weeks before, instead of months before, which has helped. There are now 'no noise' fireworks that give all the show without the bang, and the really ear-shattering fireworks have become so expensive that it puts the idiots off buying them. These are all steps in the right direction, but I do think more could be done. Some ideas:

- Make it illegal sell fireworks to anyone under 25, which may curtail the bored youth aspect - the current age is 18.

- Ridiculously loud fireworks should only be sold for official organised events with a licence, or an even more extreme solution would be to make the only fireworks that are on sale to the general public the silent ones.

- Currently it is against the law for anyone to set off fireworks between 11pm and 7am (tell that to the people setting of huge booming fireworks at 4.19am this very morning - aargh!). To me this should change to between 11pm and 7pm so that people with pets, horses or anything else that may be affected by noise, have enough time to get in from work, and safely walk their dog, or close up stables, etc..

That said, nowadays this is one of those laws that can't really be policed, especially with regards to the prats, as most of the time they would be gone before anyone ever showed up. Though if it became the widely accepted norm, then prats would be made to feel like pariahs (think smokers trying to light up in a resaurant), and maybe less would do it.

As for Lilly, it is now a couple of days after Bonfire Night, and most of the prats must have run out of fireworks. I know this because we have just had our first afternoon walk in a few weeks without any fireworks being set off. There is only a month and a half to go until the next booming onslaught on New Year's Eve; hopefully the prats will be too busy buying drinks to buy more fireworks.

As this was more a rant than our usual tales of Lilly's life, I thought I would leave you with a relaxed, tongue out, derpy photograph of the lovely Lilly, totally zedding it, just to show just how chilled she can be.

Until next time.

Toodles from Muddy Madam & Lilly