3 minute read
Dear Student-Athletes Battling Mental Illness,
Open Letter Series
To Whom It Must Concern
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by Connor Donnelly '16
We live in a world that is constantly changing, and the life of a student-athlete is never easy. Talk about that, talk about your feelings, and always remember that no matter what, you matter. We matter. Life is good, and enjoy the moment.
It really is something, one minute you’re a senior in college with the world at your fingertips, looking forward to everything, and the next you’re 24, the world is where you want it, on paper you have everything you want, but your mind tells you there’s something's wrong. You’re not good enough. Something's wrong. You have a disease that no one has found yet and it’s going to take you away from everything you love. Something's wrong. You won’t make it to being a husband, a father, that next job, everything you’ve dreamed about. Something's wrong. You’re in a complete sense of panic around all your friends wondering “am I really here? Is this really me? Who is that, do I really know who they are?” Something's wrong.
Looking back, I’ve always had anxiety. Being a golf student-athlete at SHU, I was never able to let myself out of my own way and play my best golf. I had thoughts over missing a putt, hitting a ball out of bounds, and not qualifying for events. Not surprising to anyone, those thoughts quickly became realities, and my dreams of wanting to play well went by the wayside. However, in college this was the only place that I really experienced anxiety. Off the course life was good, school was fun, and everything I did I was in control of. Golf gave me the chance to work with National SAAC, a group that changed my trajectory in life. SAAC continues to talk about the importance of mental health, and gives student-athletes a platform to change the way it is talked about in college athletics. Take all of this away and life changes a bit.
Being in the real world is a big jump from college, where you could watch Prison Break from 11 AM to 2 PM in your dorm and no one would think otherwise. The real world, you always have to be on, you always have to be moving, and that takes a lot.
In college you dream of the job, the apartment, the girl (Paige I love you and you mean more to me than I could ever express in words), and the life you will have after college. Only problem with that is no one tells you what that constant grind can do to you. Constantly thinking. Constantly worrying. Constantly thinking something's wrong. It takes its toll, and can bring you to a dark place. It did that to me. Key word there is “did” because I got the help I needed, and continue to still today.
In October of 2017, I began to suffer from anxiety. I would constantly think that I would be in a dangerous state, something was wrong and I would be in a complete sense of panic. I struggled with flying, and that seemed to be the crux that started my anxiety, but that was not it. I’m just an anxious person. So, when you’re anxious what do you do? Manage it.
Remember Game 3 in the ALCS in 2017? Yankees against the Astros, Yankees are down 2 games to none and down late in the game, the the series looking to be coming to a point of no return for the Evil Empire. I didn’t watch that game until the top of the 9th, which for anyone who knows me is probably scratching their head a bit because of how big a Yankee fan I am. That night was my first appointment with a clinical psychologist. That’s right, I missed the comeback, because I wanted to start my own comeback as a person. As me, as Connor. There were two comebacks that night, and I have to say I’m a little prouder of the comeback I made from that night on.
Seeing a psychologist was the best decision I have ever made besides asking my girlfriend out. I got my life back, I have gotten my mind into a much better place, and I’m me.This isn’t to say that I’m no longer anxious. I get anxious all the time. Writing this post, I’ve been anxious for the past few days. That’s fine. I’m okay with that. That’s why I decided to write this, to let it out, to share, to not be alone. I know there are others out there like me, and if this post can help one other person feel okay about what they’re going through, I’ve done what I set out for.
I want to leave everyone with a quote that gave me a little “ah-ha” moment.
I’m an anxious person, that’s in me and it’s not going anywhere. But if I choose to let myself “be,” to be mindful, I can see things in a relaxed state, a state that I always strive for.
This whole thing we call life is a journey. Don’t be afraid to share some stories from yours. I’ve been afraid to let people know about it for awhile, but finishing this last sentence, I feel free. It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s even more okay to ask for help.
