A Rebel Without a Risk Assessment

Some time ago ‘EDF’ (my energy provider) contacted me with a request that I allow them to fit ‘Smart-Meters’ for my gas and electricity. Despite my utter contempt for the American bastardisation of our beautiful language substituting the word ‘smart’ for the word ‘intelligent’ (probably too long a word for the average American intellect to negotiate), I agreed to their request.

After confirming that both meters would be accessible for the engineer and verifying the fact that we have solar panels on our roof, they made an appointment for an ‘Electrical Engineer’ to come and fit the new meters.

The day before the appointment I spent an hour clearing as much stuff out of the utility room, where the gas and electric meters are situated, including lugging a tumble-drier out of there, which did no favours for my 60-year-old chronically arthritic spine; to ensure easy access for the ‘engineer’.

The following day a young guy arrived and, after taking a single glance at the small cupboard where the electric meter is situated, he asked me if I had solar panels fitted. I replied, “Yes they are the big shiny black things that are clearly visible on the roof as you approach the house.”

He then asked where the generator for the panels was situated; I told him it was in the loft (for the benefit of southern readers, that’s the same as an attic, only dustier).

“Is your loft fully boarded-out and fitted with a fixed drop-down ladder?” he asked.

“No” I replied, “That’s why I referred to it as ‘the loft’ rather than the ‘dormer bedroom’, because it’s just a loft.” “I do have an aluminium step-ladder that I use to get into the loft though” I said, trying to be helpful.

“I can only go up there if it is boarded out and there is a fixed ladder” he said.

“You’re an electrician aren’t you?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes!” he replied firmly.

“But you cannot climb a 6ft step-ladder?”

“No, I’m not allowed too!” he replied.

Totally nonplussed, I said, “What if I go up my step-ladder, stick my head into the loft and turn-off the isolator switch on the generator, which is within easy reach of the loft hatch? Would that be OK?”

“I suppose so” replied the alleged ‘electrical engineer’ somewhat doubtfully. “I’ll just contact my office again and check a few things”.

After more than 40-minutes standing at the top of our path talking on his telephone, he returned to the house and said, “Sorry mate, I can’t fit the meters because it’s too dangerous!”

“Dangerous how?” I asked as my patience jumped on the first express train heading west “Dangerous due to your proximity to somebody else using a step-ladder perhaps?”

He left and I got on the phone to EDF to ask them why their installation contractors are using hamsters instead of real electricians. EDF raised it as an official complaint, spoke to the contractors, apologised to me profusely and promised to rectify the situation.

The following day I received more apologies about the shithouse hamster (aka electrical engineer) and another appointment was made, with assurances that they would not send the same alleged electrician next time.

Today another engineer arrived. Once again my back was screaming at me for lugging the bastard tumble-drier into the kitchen and, once again, the utility room was nice and clear so he could get on with the job without encumbrance.

“I see you have solar panels. Do you know where the generator for them is?” he asked before even putting his tool bag down. My heart began to sink as I explained it was in the loft.

“Is the loft fully boarded-out and fitted with a fixed ladder?” he asked, as I got a distinct feeling of Deja-vu.

I explained that the loft was not boarded-out but the isolator was in easy reach of the loft hatch and that I had a step-ladder he could use. He explained how he could not use my step-ladder, or even one of his own step-ladders, due to ‘health and safety’ rules.

“But you’re supposed to be an electrician?” I said sceptically. I went on to explain, “I served my apprenticeship as an electrical engineer in the 1970’s and worked as an industrial and commercial approved electrician for a further 20-odd years before becoming disabled. Ladders, stepladders and even walking on 10-inch girders at 230ft were a regular part of my job!” Being in his late 20’s at best, I wondered exactly how much he could have known about those ‘good-old-days’ but I let that pass. He went on to explain that “using a step-ladder was not included in the ‘risk assessment’ for the job”.

Apparently a ‘risk assessment’ is now required before a tradesman can use a fucking step-ladder!

“OK” I said, “I’ll nip upstairs with my step-ladder and knock off the isolator switch, then you can check the feed down here to be sure I have turned it off.” but could not resist adding, “I assess my risk to be, at worst, fucking negligible!”

“Sorry, that’s not allowed either because it is not part of the agreed job procedure document…” he said, as if that should have been obvious to me! With that he said goodbye and left.

As you can imagine, I was straight back on the phone to EDF to explain, politely but firmly, exactly what they can do with their ‘smart meters’. After detailing my complaint they said they would deduct £25.00 from my next bill as compensation and note on my file that my address was not suitable for smart meter installation.

I couldn’t help but wonder if our cotton-woolwrapped, risk-assessment-led, shithousefostering, society is actually a fit place for bikers to live in anymore, or will motorcycling soon be banned when we fail to agree a risk assessment for the putting-on of motorcycle boots…

Happy New Year!