WRIGHT ON TRACK

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

EVERYWHERE IS WALKING DISTANCE IF YOU’VE GOT THE TIME.

Right now, I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. What a nice night for an evening. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I’D KILL FOR A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

What’s another word for Thesaurus? When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with an ice cube. I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.’ A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.’

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over, and I’m gonna say, Go ahead, touch it... it feels real.’

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect, so I stopped practicing.

I BOUGHT SOME BATTERIES, BUT THEY WEREN’T INCLUDED.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message, and I’ll call when I’m out.’’

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’

Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…

I went to a fancy French restaurant called Déjà Vu. The headwaiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?’

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while, I’ll be listening to the radio, and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’ Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE HAD A SANDBOX. IT WAS A QUICKSAND BOX. I WAS AN ONLY CHILD... EVENTUALLY. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. –Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it… You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

“I WAS BORN. WHEN I WAS 23, I STARTED TELLING JOKES. THEN I STARTED GOING ON TELEVISION AND DOING FILMS. THAT'S STILL WHAT I AM DOING. THE END.”

One time, a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.’ Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Half the people you know are below average.

Borrow money from pessimiststhey don’t expect it back.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought a dog the other day and I named him ‘Stay’. It's fun to call him... ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

THE GUY WHO LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME HAS A CIRCULAR DRIVEWAY, AND HE CAN'T GET OUT.

Ed. Some of these one-liners have also been attributed to other stand-up comedians, and frankly it’s difficult to be sure who ‘wrote’ the one-liner. But they are funny!

The priest asked, “Is that you, little Joey?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Esposito?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Carla Muller?”

“I'll never tell.”“Was it Julie Garnier?”

“I'm sorry, But I cannot tell you her name.”

“Was it Cathy Puglisi?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Barbara Standish, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighed in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now go and behave yourself.” Joey walked back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispered, “What'd you get?”

“Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”