DECEMBER 14 2018

VOL. 19, NO. 6

OBERLIN’S STUDENT CULTURE MAGAZINE

Editors-in-Chief Sophie Jones Ian Feather Treasurer Charlie Rinehart-Jones Content Editors Ruby Anderson PJ McCormick Devin McMahon Cover Art Matt Lavine

Layout Editors Natalie Hawthorne Grace Kirk Leora Swerdlow Nico Vickers

Copy Editors Nell Beck Eleanor Cunningham Olivia Hacker-Keating Indrani Kharbanda

Staff Writers Jason Hewitt Zoe Jasper Sam Schuman

Photo Editor Emery Webster

EST. 1999 December 14, 2018 Contributing Writers Juliet Flam-Ross Juli Freedman Saul Kester Liza Mackeen Madi Mettenburg Anna Polacek Ben Richman Grace Smith Peter Stern

Web Editor Leah Yassky

Back Page Audrey Libatique

THAT’S A WRAP ON FALL SEMESTER! CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF OBERLIN’S STUDENT CULTURE MAGAZINE? THINK WE COULD DO BETTER? WE ARE HIRING! APPLICATIONS ARE OPEN FOR OPINIONS SECTION EDITOR: EMAIL THEGRAPE@ OBERLIN.EDU OR FIND THE APPLICATION ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE

See Ya, Suckers

BY SOPHIE JONES AND IAN FEATHER | CO-EDITORS IN CHIEF Dearest readers, It’s finally here: the final issue of the semester. You’re probably expecting us to share more of our usual masturbatory pontifications, or perhaps some overly sentimental reflection on the trials, tribulations, and torrid gossip we’ve endured so far as co-editors-in-chief. Actually, we can’t do that because we’re tapped out of bullshit. With that said, we want to instead do something useful and give our student readers some advice for finals.

Is it past midnight and you haven’t eaten anything all day?

Get high (if that’s your thing) and go to your co-op-- the one you can hardly show your face in --and make yourself a hearty breakfast-for-dinner feast! Hunch, gollum-style over your frying egg, and when someone walks in and asks what you’re making, or if you’re actually a member of this co-op, turn around and hiss at them, “I’m splitting in!”

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Did you take a little more of that stimulant than you should’ve?

Take a lap around Mudd and mutter aloud to yourself all those thoughts that are racing through your amphetamineaddled brain. Try to identify all of the desert plants growing between the Facilities building and the north-east corner of Mudd. Concoct a grand political theory about why this is the only part of campus that was landscaped like this. Mutter to yourself some more and then get back to work.

Is your family wondering why they haven’t heard from you in several days (or weeks)?

Honestly, you should probably give them a call or something. You’ve already been procrastinating/crying for hours, so what difference are fifteen minutes on the phone really going to make at this point?

Nervous and upset about going home for the holidays?

Call your friends instead and enjoy your final fleeting moments together. Forget the fact that you’re probably sick of each other by now. Go fry an egg together and set some fake goals for next semester!

Good luck and see you in February! <3 Sophie + Ian <3

Q&A With Not-For-Profit Coin Tumbler Creators Anya Spector (‘19) and Ezra Goss (‘19)

BY DEVIN MCMAHON | FEATURES EDITOR

Spector and Goss have big ideas for the future of cryptocurrency. They are creating the first not-for-profit coin tumbler that taxes users, especially drug dealers, and then donates the proceeds to Circle Health Services for their work in opioid harm reduction.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

What is Auspice Mixer, and why did you guys create it?

Anya Spector: The idea for this project came because I was trying to get Narcan provided by the College for students, and the college was kind of pushing back and being slow, so I was thinking, how could we fund this on our own?

And then, in the class, Crypto-cultural Exchange, we talked about cryptocurrencies, and though there are a lot of uses for cryptocurrencies, they are most infamous probably for being used on the dark web for buying drugs. So we were thinking: what if we could implement a tax on drug dealers and have the money go to a good cause? A really good way to do that is with coin tumbler because coin tumblers are basically a product that creates anonymity for people using cryptocurrency because, otherwise, everything is completely public. Coin tumblers are important for everyone who cares about anonymity, but especially drug dealers and so drug dealers have to use this product.

Ezra Goss: Both because police can track it back, but also because hackers could track back transactions. There are a whole host of people who would want to track your transactions through the history of your usage on the chain, so they’re heavily used services which make for really good tax bottlenecks.

Why would people choose the Auspice Mixer, which taxes them, as opposed to other tumblers?

EG: I think there are a lot of factors at play for that. The first worry for anyone using a tumbler is whether it works, and we actually didn’t build our own tumbler. We’re using an API (Application Programming Interface) of a more trusted tumbler service because it’s more cost effective and we don’t have the technical expertise to do that.

AS: Also because we wanted to make sure it was really highly secure, especially if we’re marketing it to drug dealers.

But all tumblers charge a fee, because the transactions have a cost, but most of them are also making a profit, and so we can charge comparable costs, but because we’re not profiting off of it, all of the proceeds are going to a not for profit, Circle

Health Services, for their work in opioid harm reduction. So, you’re paying a similar amount of money, but the money is going somewhere better.

EG: I think the second thing, of the host of things to consider, is what exactly are you putting your money towards?

And what sort of made me want to jump on the project, was this concept of basically saying to drug dealers or people who are bringing drugs from online to offline usage, that if you’re going to do that, contribute a little bit to opioid crisis harm reduction, and I found that to be very compelling, and I think many people who use mixers would probably find that compelling as well.

And how unique is this model -- a nonprofit tumbler?

EG: Incredibly, I’ve never seen one.

AS: We’re the first. We’re really excited about it because not only will it hopefully raise money which is awesome, and people will protect their anonymity which is awesome, but we think that it’s the first system for people to opt into taxes with cryptocurrency.

EG: You have this libertarian idea with cryptocurrency, where finally we’re a stateless system, we don’t need to worry about a mint or about regulation, so I think you have a lot of people really high on the idea that you no longer need to worry about concepts like taxation without representation because there is no taxation, and your agency is completely protected along with your anonymity. But, there’s this nonconversation that does need to happen that’s like if this becomes a currency that we can have real markets for, how do we even think about any concept of public money that we can use for projects? And, so, going back to the concept of taxation with representation, we’re putting forth this idea that, if you can opt- in and consent to a tax plan that’s curated to what you want, would people then like the idea of taxes?

So you’re using another tumbler, and just adding to it?

EG: All we’re doing is setting up a user interface that, when you type something in, it just connects to a message that we’ll send to the computer backend of the mixer online and the mixer online will give us all of the information. So it’s almost like someone’s just on their website, but they’re interacting with their website through an application that we’ve built.

You can think about it as any middleman type of thing. You could book from an airline directly, but you book from a travel agent oftentimes because the travel agent can do it much

more conveniently than you can, but the travel agent will take a little off the top. We’re just being forthcoming about the fact that the little bit we’re taking off the top is actually going towards this cause.

Is it ethical to preserve anonymity for people using the dark web?

AS: I think that everyone has a right to anonymity, even drug dealers, but I do think drug dealers are responsible for their actions, and one way for them to hold themselves responsible is to opt into a tax system like this. That doesn’t justify it if they’re hurting people, but the fact is that people are buying drugs and selling drugs, and they have a right to privacy and a responsibility to help their community.

EZ: I think even if you disagree with the idea of criminals having rights, people are giving value to cryptocurrency, this currency is not going away, and so if that’s something that’s going to continue to propagate and people are going to use it, then you’re going to have markets that are not manageable from a state perspective. So, we have these stateless markets,

December 14th, 2018

WHAT MADE ME WANT TO JUMP ON THE PROJECT WAS THIS CONCEPT OF BASICALLY SAYING TO DRUG DEALERS OR PEOPLE WHO ARE BRINGING DRUGS FROM ONLINE TO OFFLINE USAGE...CONTRIBUTE A LITTE BIT TO OPIOID CRISIS HARM REDUCTION

how can you just accept that and then tap into this other idea of taxation that is also stateless? It can only really be done with consent with the parties that are operating. So it’s also like an experiment. How much are people going to accept this? Are people going to be OK with taxes when they consent to them? Or will people just not use these services because they want to keep the amount of money that they have?

At Oberlin, there are constant conversations about how we can utilize our education for good.

In classes, we have projects were we may design solutions to problems like this, but you guys actually created it. How were you able to find the time, and the momentum, to make it happen?

EG: The actual implementation of the project was not a condition of the assignment for our class, but by virtue of the architecture we’ve described like the APIs, it’s so easy to make.

AS: We also wanted to see if people could opt-in. Once we have this, this is hopefully the first step in a network of tools. So if we can get people to buy into this and use it, then that says a lot; that says that the idea has traction, versus if people don’t want to use this, and they just keep using other

tumblers, then it doesn’t have that traction.

EG: And perhaps it means that the tumbler isn’t the right tool to be trying to tax on top of. This is a first pilot try at what could be a much larger idea.

AS: Well, we want to market in heavily in cryptocommunities, so that’s going to be a lot of Reddit, as well as some online marketplaces, talking to people that sell drugs online and people who buy drugs online.

EG: It would be great to get a wide distribution at Oberlin.

There’s no data on how many people use cryptocurrency, in any context, but I can bet that there have been a lot of people over my four years here that have used cryptocurrency to buy drugs that are brought onto campus -AS: Or just used cryptocurrency at all.

EG: So it would be great to try to get this adopted by more people on campus. But it’s tricky because we have no idea how much this is going to raise, and what the impact of the amount of money we can raise is, and how efficient we’re being with that so, by virtue of the fact that you can’t just get a report on how things convert, this is really just a giant experiment that we need to start on.

Court Documents: Gibson’s Demanding $30 Million

BY SAM SCHUMAN | STAFF WRITER Publicly-available court documents filed in August by lawyers representing both Oberlin College and the Gibson family provide new insight into the particulars of the lawsuit, which has been ongoing since last November. Perhaps the most surprising fact revealed by the documents is the size of the settlement the Gibsons are demanding from the college: $30 million. Unless Oberlin is willing to pay this sum, which is roughly fifteen percent of its annual operating budget, it must continue to defend itself in court against the Gibsons’ claims that it has deliberately acted to harm the small business, a move that Gibson’s claims is driven by a desire for property owned by the Gibson Family.

The documents are part of a protective order motion that Oberlin filed in August, asking the court to protect it from being required to spend roughly $60,000 to obtain electronically stored information (ESI) from employees as requested by the Gibsons’ lawyers. In the 132-page document, Oberlin accused Gibson’s of attempting “to hold it [Oberlin] legally responsible for the independent actions and free speech of its students” and of attempting to drive up Oberlin’s legal expenditures in an effort to “prolong and expand” the case by refusing to settle through a mediator.

Gibson’s requested that Oberlin provide ESI, primarily emails from Oberlin’s Gmail system, pertaining to 21 different affiliates of the College, in addition to 15 fifteen individuals whose ESI had been requested previously; this brings the total number of individuals whose ESI has been requested by Gibson’s to date to 36. Oberlin called the request a “fishing expedition” intended solely to force Oberlin to spend upward of $100,000 in total on obtaining the requested documents.

A brief filed by the College in support of

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their motion for protective order outlines the College’s argument: Gibson’s is attempting to hold Oberlin responsible for views expressed by students, “which the law does not allow.”

“Whatever role a college may have previously had to insure the conduct of its students has long since disappeared,” says the brief.

Oberlin also claimed that it should not have to search for additional ESI since the estimated $60,000 is almost equal to the $75,000 that Oberlin claims Gibson’s is requesting in the suit. This figure apparently comes from an email sent in February by Gibson’s lawyers, which indicates that the three plaintiffs, all members of the Gibson family, will each seek “a judgement in the amount of $25,000.” The same email also states “Our request for punitive damages will be in excess of $25,000.”

Lawyers representing Gibson’s called the $75,000 figure “baseless,” insisting that the Gibsons continue to evaluate the full extent of their damages, and that the final figure is likely to exceed $75,000.

Representatives of Oberlin College cited multiple attempts to mediate a settlement with Gibson’s, as well as the delay in Allyn W. Gibson’s deposition, as evidence that Gibson’s is deliberately prolonging the lawsuit. They also stressed that Oberlin had previously offered to reimburse Gibson’s for business lost between November 2016 and December 2017, a period when Oberlin stopped purchasing baked goods from Gibson’s for its campus dining program. Gibson’s refused the offer.

Additionally, the College claimed that many of the emails obtained in the ESI search would be irrelevant. One college employee whose records were searched, Anna Hoffman, had received or sent only eight emails

relevant to the case out of over 51,000 in total. Five of the eight were mass emails sent to all faculty and staff. Scott Callow, Oberlin’s facilities manager, also had his ESI searched.

Sixteen documents, roughly one out of every 3,800, were deemed relevant to the case, including “a discussion of the amount of toilet paper available in a particular facility.”

Oberlin claimed that if Gibson’s wanted to obtain additional ESI, it should bear the cost of doing so. “A $75,000 suit—from which plaintiffs have incomprehensively [sic] extrapolated into a $30 million settlement demand—does not justify imposing a $100,000 financial burden upon the college.”

The Gibsons’ lawyers laid out their case

arrests of three Oberlin students accused of shoplifting at Gibson’s the day after the 2016 presidential election, citing a meeting between Tita Reed, Oberlin’s Special Assistant to the President for Community and Government Relations, and the Oberlin Police Department just before protests began on November 10, 2016.

In response to charges that the altercation between Allyn Gibson and three Oberlin students was motivated by racial bias, Gibson’s cited five video affidavits in which minority members of the Oberlin community who have relationships with the Gibson family stated that they did not believe the bakery was racially biased against certain custom-

GIBSON’S CONTINUES TO ACCUSE OBERLIN OF DIRECTLY PLANNING THE PROTESTS THAT FOLLOWED THE ARRESTS OF THREE OBERLIN STUDENTS ACCUSED OF SHOPLIFTING AT GIBSON’S THE DAY AFTER THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. against the college in a legal response filed two weeks later, acuusing Oberlin of trying to “conceal the tracks of its defamatory conduct in an effort to close the courthouse doors to Gibson’s Bakery’s right to evidence that will illuminate Oberlin College’s reckless and intentional tortious conduct.”

Gibson’s claimed that Oberlin’s defense was an attempt to “hide behind its students.”

Gibson’s continues to accuse Oberlin of directly planning the protests that followed the

ers.

Gibson’s claimed that timeliness was a factor in their request for Oberlin’s ESI because “The college has already shown a proclivity towards destroying ESI.” Finally, Gibson’s stated that if the alternative to Oberlin paying $60,000 to collect the requested ESI was a $30 million settlement, it did not make sense to call the cost an “undue burden” on the College.

New Shake Shop Really a Herbalife Nutrition Club

BY LIZA MACKEEN AND JULI FREEDMAN | CONTRIBUTING WRITERS If you have an Instagram account, chances are you’ve seen a picture of someone you know with a shake from Oberlin Nutrition over the past couple of days. This store, which opened for business on November 27th and is located at 175 South Main Street, specializes in selling purportedly healthy shakes, teas, and coffees. While they do not yet have an official website or Yelp page, their rather active Instagram (@ oberlinnutrition) displays glossy pictures of students drinking beverages such as their Cake Batter shake or Blue Raspberry tea alongside captions boasting of health benefits such as increased energy and boosted metabolism. At first glance, Oberlin Nutrition seems like any other smoothie bar; however, under further scrutiny, Oberlin Nutrition is not a typical juice or smoothie shop. In fact, it’s not a shop at all, but rather a “nutrition club.” Like approximately 5,900 other establishments across the United States, Oberlin Nutrition is an outpost of the controversial multi-level marketing company Herbalife, run by the undeniably charismatic couple Ray and Golden. This is the second establishment they run together (they also own Westpark Nutrition), alongside Hustle & Heart, Sunshine’s Herbalife-affiliated women’s health and motivational group.

Founded in 1980 by the businessman Mark Hughes, Herbalife is one of the world’s most popular multi-level marketing companies, with approximately 3.7 million members in over 90 countries. The company manufactures shakes, teas, snacks, and skincare products, which it then sells to local distributors at a discount. Because Herbalife is a multilevel marketing operation, these representatives theoretically not only profit by selling the products, but also by recruiting new members to become distributors themselves.This is the same business model as Avon, Mary Kay and other brands you may have seen heavily promoted on the Facebook walls of friends and family. However, in order to actually receive additional compensation from the company, distributors must first “qualify to earn,” which entails collecting enough “documented volume” points. Each Herbalife product has a volume point value — thus, distributors must purchase more products from the company in order to receive greater payouts.

However, Herbalife has come under fire for their multi-level marketing approach, with many critics arguing that the company is essentially a pyramid scheme and that it is nearly impossible for distributors to make a profit. As shown in the documentary Betting On Zero, victims claimed to have lost thousands of dollars by buying large quantities of product never to be sold and undocumented distributors being threatened with deportation by those in their upline.

In 2017, the FTC determined that Herbalife is not a pyramid scheme, but did force them to both pay out a $200 million settlement to disgruntled consumers and to restructure their downline business approach. The Chairwoman of the FTC, Edith Ramirez, said “Herbalife is going to have to start operating legitimately” at the press meeting.

In order to reach more customers, many Herbalife distributors open up so-called “nutrition clubs.” While these clubs may seem like regular shops, Herbalife makes very clear in their training materials that they are not retail establishments. As Section 3B of their official nutrition club manual reads, “Nutrition Clubs are social gatherings, bringing people together with a focus on good nutrition. They are not retail stores or outlets, nor are they restaurants or carry-out establishments.” Thus, instead of charging for individual shakes or teas, the operators of these clubs are actually charging a membership fee. Because they are not technically selling their beverages, these nutrition clubs are not allowed to

display prices on their menus, with the manual stating that, “club operators may post a list of available flavors of shakes and teas, as well as any optional ingredients such as protein or fiber, but consistent with the proper operation of a Nutrition Club they may not post, list or charge individual prices for these products or ingredients.”

As one of these nutrition clubs, Oberlin Nutrition operates along the lines dictated by Herbalife — however, the owners make it difficult to distinguish the club experience from a regular store. When we visited the store on Monday, December 3rd, Sunshine presented us with a large menu of their shake and tea varieties and a half-sheet listing the flavor combinations of tea, aloe, and “liftoff flavors,” which included varieties ranging from Original to Peach to Skittles. After we completed the tea portion, we selected our shake flavor from their vast array of options. Although the menu advertised extras such as a collagen boost or a fat-burning “donut shot”, we did not order any of these add-ons. Before you submit your order, you must also include your email, number and “wellness goal”. As the rules of Herbalife dictate, there were no prices on the menu, and we placed our order not knowing how much it would cost. We were only charged for our order after receiving the shake and tea, which cost 11 dollars. Despite the clause in Herbalife’s Nutrition Club Rules stating that “membership fees may not be represented as the price or cost of products offered to members or their guests for consumption,” this charge was not presented to us as a membership fee but rather the price of the tea-shake combo. When we asked the owners about their motives behind not displaying prices, they informed us that the decision is largely an aesthetic choice. Ray elaborated, “People ask if they’re curious, but when people go to a smoothie shop, you just know it’s gonna be around this amount of money. It’s not gonna be like it’s just free. People know it’s gonna cost money, and with a tea and a shake, it’s like a meal. It’s going to be more than a dollar, so that’s why we don’t. And it’s just more attractive.”

Furthermore, Golden noted that they had posted the prices of both their basic and popular combo (8 and 11 dollars, respectively) on their Instagram account. However, considering that one of the rules of operating a nutrition club prohibits displaying prices, this explanation feels misleading.

One of Herbalife’s, and by extension, Oberlin Nutrition’s, central selling points for their products is their health benefits. As Golden told us, “The shakes are gonna be 24 grams of protein and 21 vitamins. They’re gonna taste like a dessert, and it’s gonna fill you up and give you things we would lack from most of our processed grocery food because of the way that our system is set up. It’s gonna give you energy in return because your body is giving you things that you aren’t used to getting, and it also puts you at your healthiest weight.”

When we asked what exactly makes Herbalife an alternative to “processed” grocery food, considering the base for all their shakes is a powder made up of an extensive list of highly processed ingredients like soy protein isolate and sucralose, she responded, “So when you get food from the grocery store, the label gets to be about 30% true because of the FDA. That’s the regulations — this comes straight from the factory, so everything on the label is gonna be 99.9% true. It’s straight vitamins and all-natural. We have the best doctors in the system.

Actually, Herbalife is the number one nutrition company in the world year after year after year...I’m not a nutritional person and I’m not into the small details. What I am into, though, is how it makes me feel. I’ve been doing this for two years, and I’ve been focusing more on just expressing how I feel and sharing it with other people, and it’s worked really well for me. They have, like, a ton of laboratories — they even

PHOTO BY LIZA MACKEEN have one that is specifically made just to test the products, so they really just put a lot of love and time and intelligence and science into the product.” The claim that Herbalife is the number one nutrition company in the world is slightly vague, and we could not find any information to support that fact in terms of quality of products, profits, or size. While it is one of the world’s largest nutrition companies, and was included on the Forbes’ List of Best Midsize Employers three years in a row starting in 2015 (currently ranked at #462 in the 2018 list), nothing seems to suggest that it is somehow the number one nutrition company in the world in any regard.

Despite the owners’ claims about the vetted quality of their products, the science behind Herbalife’s supposed nutritional benefits is shaky, at best. As the news outlet Vox found, the studies conducted on Herbalife products by the company are extremely flawed and incomprehensive. Out of the four studies the company touts as evidence of their scientific bonafides, two were 12-week trials comparing the effects of two different products (both manufactured by Herbalife), one was a threeweek trial with a sample size of 16 participants, and one was not actually published. Herbalife shakes are low-calorie meal replacements, so while people may lose weight by following the prescribed diet, it is reasonable to assume that this can be attributed to simply ingesting fewer calories than normal.

When we asked the owners which specific aspect of Herbalife’s products causes weight loss, Ray told us, “the vitamins and the nutrients,” and when we asked which particular vitamins and nutrients these were, he simply directed us to look at the list of ingredients on the back of the canisters. We also asked the owners about what makes Herbalife products energizing, with Sunshine telling us that, “It [a shake] has a lot of B12 vitamins so it feeds your brain focus...it gives off the

December 14th, 2018

feeling of energy, because you’re so focused that you can get a lot more done.” The claim that B12 vitamins provide energy is slightly misleading — while they help the body convert glucose into the energy molecules it uses (known as ATP), they do not inherently have any energizing properties. Thus, while the vitamins in Herbalife products may provide the tools for the body to create energy from other food, they are not energizing in and of themselves. However, the Herbalife tea concentrate does contain caffeine, and considering that the teas and shakes are marketed to be sold together, this is likely responsible for any energy-boosting effects.

While it is true that an internal survey conducted by Herbalife itself found that 57% of club owners either did not profit or lost money off their ventures, and that the last disclosed

(reported in 2005) non-supervisor distributor turnover rate was greater than 90%, Golden and Ray are no doubt a success story for the the company. They clearly do not have any malicious intent, and are not out to scam Oberlin students into becoming shills for Herbalife. When we reached out to the owners about our research, they responded: “In response to this article which focuses on negativity, I recommend to focus [sic] on how I know these shakes and tea make people feel and the results they have been able to get. We are not the only success story. We are actually a small percentage because just like anything if you are coachable and work hard you too can be successful. Everyday so many humans eat things like McDonald’s, Chipotle, and grocery store food they have no idea what’s inside of it [sic]. This is the number 1

nutrition company in the world backed by number 1 doctors [sic], & I’d do less time trying to make a good thing bad and focus more on making myself better personally! Focusing on our personal development as humans has worked wonders for us! Show more real life results & less online stats. Thanks for the love! Come see us fam!”

Regardless, this does not change the fact that the health benefits of their products are dubious at best. Therefore, if you’re considering visiting Oberlin Nutrition, don’t go in believing that you’ve found your new miracle diet. Instead, accept that you’re essentially consuming a glorified milkshake, and inadvertently becoming a member of a billion-dollar company with a dark past.

After the Co-op Bookstore:

Looking for alternatives to the College Street Barnes and Noble

BY IAN FEATHER | CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF In our last issue, I wrote a piece entitled “Before Barnes and Noble: The little-known history of the Co-op Bookstore” that covered the largely untold history of Oberlin’s Barnes and Noble bookstore on College Street. Before it was a Barnes and Noble, it was the Co-op Bookstore, which first opened in 1942 and was part of the larger Oberlin Consumers Cooperative (OCC). However, the Co-op Bookstore had to close its doors in 1999, due to financial issues.

Almost twenty years after the Co-op Bookstore closed its doors, could a similar organization reemerge within Oberlin?

Since its closing, certain students and community members alike have, in their own ways, developed what can be considered as alternatives to the Barnes and Noble.

Less than two years after the Co-op Bookstore closed, Krista Long, who was heavily involved in the Oberlin Consumers Co-operative with her father Bill Long, took over Ben Franklin and added MindFair Books. According to their website, MindFair currently operates as “a new and used trade bookstore with special focuses on literature and poetry, the social sciences, and arts and crafts.” For people like Professor Sonia Kruks, interviewed in the first part of this series, MindFair is more likely than Ben Franklin to have the types of books she’s looking for.

NAVARRO CONSIDERS SWAP TO BE A ‘SOLID, FINANCIALLYACCESSIBLE ALTERNATIVE TO OTHER PLACES LIKE BARNES AND NOBLE’ Yet MindFair does not carry textbooks, and thus isn’t a complete alternative to Barnes and Noble. According to Long, the thought of selling textbooks at MindFair, or even turning Ben Franklin as a whole into a cooperative, is always on her mind: “I ask myself this question all the time--could I turn Ben Franklin into a co-op? I haven’t completely rejected the idea.” However, certain factors make her think that such a transition would not be feasible: “the reality is, especially with the way the buying is being done now, students aren’t going to like that model. They want the online books--it’s convenient, [online textbooks have] gotten so much cheaper, and no one wants to carry around a heavy book; everything conspires to make buying and selling textbooks really not very profitable.” Long also pointed out that Ohio law gener-

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ally does not support retail cooperatives; it was for that reason that, on paper, the Oberlin Consumers Co-operative had to operate as a for-profit business.

Indrani Kharbanda, second-year student, Grape copy editor, and independent bookstore employee back at home, echoed Long’s sentiments about internet competition: “For one, people are lazy, so they shop at Amazon. Additionally, Amazon is able to price their books more competitively, and they’re able to stock certain books that independent bookstores aren’t able to as easily. Plus, they’ll ship right to your door.”

But what about a cooperative physically replacing the Barnes and Noble, returning the corner building on 37 West College Street to its former glory? This, too, is unlikely, as the College owns the building and profits from Barnes and Noble’s lease, in addition to using the second story for the Conservatory admissions office. However, some students had such a goal when they founded SWAP: The Oberlin Book Cooperative, in early 2013.

In a May 2013 Oberlin Review interview within an article titled “After 14 Years, Oberlin Gets Another Book Co-op”, founding member Pablo Cerdera stated: “My ultimate goal is to kick out Barnes & Noble and take their space. I want to buy their space and put a new cooperative back in that space, because it’s a co-op space and it should still be one.”

When I talked with fourth-year student Emmanuel Navarro, a member of SWAP’s Management Team who has been involved with SWAP since his first year, it was clear that such an adversarial goal is not the main focus, at least for now.

However, operating out of the basement of Harkness, SWAP offers a lot of things that Barnes and Noble do not.

Navarro considers SWAP to be a “solid, financially-accessible alternative to other places like Barnes and Noble,” as all of the textbooks and books they have in stock are entirely free.

However, while he says the traffic that SWAP has received since his first-year has stayed “pretty consistent”, Navarro lamented “I don’t think a lot of people know about it, at least as much as they should.”

Navarro emphasized that what sets SWAP apart from forprofit businesses like the Barnes and Noble is not only financial accessibility, but also the fact that SWAP is “owned by the people who use it.” As a result, there is “way more transparency” and “decisions are made based on what the members want”; while the four students who currently help manage SWAP are more involved, decisions are made by the membership at weekly meetings, with minutes from these meetings always made publicly available afterward.

Right now, Navarro says that SWAP is in “auto-pilot mode” due to the academic workloads of its members and miscellaneous administrative tasks that must be addressed, meaning that their focus is currently directed toward the

Bill Long in front of the Oberlin Consumers Co-op, 1978 present. However, that doesn’t mean that Navarro and the rest of the SWAP membership don’t have any long-term aspirations; he mentioned discussions around acquiring a bigger space in order to sell used, non-academic books, as well as building stronger connections with other campus cooperatives. Yet the challenge with making any long-term plans as a student cooperative, according to Navarro, is that constant student turnover means that making consistent plans can be difficult, as decisions must align with the desires of the current members. Still, Navarro considers this to be a small price to pay in terms of what SWAP is able to offer to its members as a cooperative, as opposed to a private business like Barnes and Noble.

While it seems pretty clear that many factors mean that the Co-op Bookstore and larger Oberlin Consumers Co-operative will remain relics of this community’s rich history, individuals like Krista Long and Emmanuel Navarro have not been dissuaded in their separate efforts to replicate what once was.

Furthermore, the legacy of the late Bill Long, the individual credited with the past success of the Oberlin Consumers Co-operative, has been carried into the present through the Bill Long Foundation, which was founded when he retired as manager of the Co-op in 1989. The foundation continues to make charitable contributions within the Oberlin community, donating $47,050 to 16 non-profits within Oberlin last year. In a cooperative fashion, the foundation uses the donations that are required to gain membership for these contributions, with a meeting held every April to determine which organizations will receive the money. At the end our interview, Krista Long expressed hope that more students (especially those who thrive on the lively discussions that co-ops are known for) will pay the $5 required to join the foundation and then come to the next annual meeting, which will be held on April 16th, 2019 at Kendal.

Ohio inches closer to passing authoritarian SB 250

BY SAUL KESTER | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

SB 250 IS THE TYPE OF LEGISLATION THAT ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN THE SUPPOSED

DEMOCRACY

THAT IS THE U.S., A LAND SUPPOSEDLY PROTECTED

BY THE CONSTITUTION, THE COURTS, AND THE ACLU. I WISH THAT WERE TRUE, BUT IT ISN’T. OHIO IS NO DEMOCRACY.

On Thursday, December 6th, the Republican-led Ohio State Senate, in a 23-5 vote, passed SB 250, an authoritarian, malicious, and all-around terrifying piece of neo-fascist legislation. SB 250, which will make it way to the Republican-led Ohio House of Representatives in the near future, raises the penalty of specific protest activity from a misdemeanor to a third-degree felony.

Officially titled the ‘Protect Critical Infrastructure Facilities from Mischief” act, SB 250 only thinly veils its anti-democratic intent. The ‘critical infrastructure’ it intends to protect is not critical. SB 250 specifically shields pipelines and ICE facilities from protest. The ‘mischief’ SB 250 seeks to criminalize is the most righteous type of mischief.

Civil disobedience should not be punished with felonies, and efforts to inflict this type of punishment exist only to frighten potential activists. SB 250 aims to scare us off from doing what is right. We, as college students and concerned community members, must not give into these attacks.

A few hours before SB 250 made its first step in becoming Ohio law, Student For Energy Justice (SEJ) held a ‘Community Gathering against SB250’. At one point during the event, a leader of SEJ asked if anybody in the audience had any questions about the bill.

One student asked something that I assume a lot of people may be wondering to themselves right about now: “isn’t protest protected by the First Amendment? Isn’t SB 250 unconstitutional?”

I understand that instinct, the one that assumes that nothing so chillingly anti-democratic can happen here. SB 250 is the type of legislation that isn’t supposed to happen in the supposed democracy that is the U.S., a land supposedly protected by the Constitution, the courts, and the ACLU. I wish that were true, but it isn’t. Ohio is no democracy.

In 2017, Oklahoma passed two anti-protest bills that came to serve as the template for SB 250. Other forms of anti-protest bills have become law in states such as North Dakota, South Dakota, and Tennessee. Efforts to criminalize protest have become common-

place in states with Republican-led legislatures. North Carolina, for instance, has similar legislation currently being considered in their Republican-led state Congress.

SB 250 originated from a group known as ALEC, or the American Legislative Exchange Committee. ALEC is a group that drafts model legislation for Conservative state Congresses to pass. It does so by connecting these Conservative state legislators with capitalists and other corporate leaders. ALEC’s own template ‘Critical Infrastructure Protection Act,’ according to their website, takes direct influence from the 2017 legislation passed in Oklahoma. While SB 250 is significantly more detailed than ALEC’s template bill, SB 250 undeniable originated from ALEC’s corporate connections: SB 250 and ALEC’s model legislation define ‘critical infrastructure’ in the exact same language (although SB 250 expands upon ALEC’s original list of sites). Sen. Frank Hoagland, the chief proponent of SB 250, is a member of ALEC. SB 250 was written by corporations. Make no mistake, this originates from the oil and natural gas industry, who aim to limit freespeech. They want to prevent us from organizing. These corporations want nothing more than to prevent a repeat of the protests that rocked the Dakota Access Pipeline back in 2016. They know how effective these protests can be; they aim to seize the power to prevent them from occurring again.

Soon this bill will make its way to the Ohio Statehouse, where the Republicans currently hold a supermajority. According to Cleveland.com, the Republicans “scored their wins for 63 percent of the seats while collecting just over 50 percent of the total vote,” due to gerrymandering and other forms of voter suppression. When this bill goes to the house - and it inevitably will - it is only natural to expect that the votes will go down as they did in the Ohio Senate: down party lines. 5 out of the 6 Democrats in the Ohio Senate present for the vote opposed the bill, with one Democrat joining the Republican delegation in supporting the bill. That Democrat was Sandra R. Williams, who represents Ohio Senate

district 21.

There are things that we must do to prevent SB 250. There’s so many groups, both in Oberlin College and outside of it, doing what they can to stop this bill. Elaine Tanner, a leader in Friends for Energy Justice (FFEJ), is one example of this. FFEJ is a community group engaged with environmental organizing, and one of the groups represented at SEJ’s ‘Community Gathering.’ Formed in 2002, the organization arose after Elaine noticed how coal pollution was harming the water quality in Ashland county, where Elaine lives. “[The corporations responsible] weren’t telling people what was happening,” Elaine says. Elaine sees a similar phenomenon happening now with SB 250. “We have to let people know what’s going on,” she says.

If you’re as concerned with the bill as I am, there’s a few ways you have to engage with it. Elaine mentions that as constituents of Ohio, we can make ‘public comments’ to the Ohio Congress.

There’s also the tried and true tactic of occupation, of physical protest. Many of us will be gone soon, with the semester nearing an end, but many of us will still be here on campus in the coming months. Winter term in Oberlin is often as isolating experience, one with ample free time and little to do with it. I can’t promise anything will happen, but I can offer myself as a resource. If you’re interesting in going to Columbus to protest SB 250, contact me at skester@oberlin.edu.

I recently saw where the Nexus pipeline was buried for the first time. The pipeline placed in the ground against the wishes of the Oberlin local government, in opposition to the city of Oberlin’s Community Bill of Rights - pumps away day and night, its blastzone encompassing the homes of many local families. The damage is happening right here in our community. SB 250, by limiting our choices of engagement, will only cause Oberlin more harm. We must do what we can to stop it.

December 14th, 2018

I’m pretty sure I was wrong when I said we were on the same page

BY JULIET FLAM-ROSS | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

You know how every time people get stoned they like to talk about how we’re all just coexisting energy doing our own thing and we might think we’re understanding each other but we can actually never really be on the same page? Anyways, I always hear people saying that they’re on the same page. People often tell me that we’re on the same page or they’re “glad to hear we’re on the same page.” But given rampant levels of miscommunication, I am hesitant to ever think that we could possibly be on the same page. In fact, I’m moderately sure I’ve never been on the same page as anyone. I don’t even think we could ever tell how our pages are in relation to someone else’s pages.

If you agree with what I’m saying, you might think…

“So we’re never on the same page. Isn’t this a depressing world we’re living in?” Not necessarily. Usually in miscommunications, people get hurt. But can we avoid a portion of this hurt by acknowledging the fact that we’re never on the same page but we might be close and just being aware of this? I’d rather do this than romance myself into the false idea that I’m on the exact same page as the people around me. I think that these issues of not being on the same page are usually a lot more nuanced than what I’ve described in the graphics; I would go so far as to say that a majority of fallings out happen because we’re on different pages but can’t figure out where we are or even acknowledge this fact. I think it’s worth going further than thinking we’re on the same page. Holding our friends and lovers close and asking them questions to learn more about each other. If being on the page is the most challenging thing we’ve ever done, it’s also the most rewarding.

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Finals SZN

BY JASON HEWITT | STAFF WRITER What’s good, Obies? I’m pretty sure almost everybody is

what is stressing you out, don’t hesitate. Here’s another word

a hot mess right now. It’s alright; I completely understand.

of advice: Eat food that won’t make you feel like shit. We have

It’s finals season! That’s right. It’s the season of stress, stress,

wonderful dining halls that produce quality meals for us ev-

and more stress. You can see the stress on your friends’ faces.

ery single day, especially Stevie.

You may even see it on some of your professors’ faces. It has

Alright, I’m done bullshitting. I know our options aren’t

been a long semester for everybody. Honestly, 2018 has been

the best, but we still need to eat during this stressful time.

a long, stressful, and emotionally exhausting year for a lot of

Hydration is also super important for your mind and body.

people this year. Ending the year with grades that could make

For some people, finals are the least of their problems. Your

or break your GPA comes with an unbelievable amount of

friends could be enduring more than you’d ever know. That’s

pressure, but it’s also a fitting conclusion to this rollercoaster

why it’s so important to check on them, especially your

of a year.

While we deal with the overwhelming amount of work that we have to do, we also have to understand that mental health is one of the biggest priorities to pinpoint. Address your mental health if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stress that enough. If you need to go to therapy (and can afford it), please go. If you feel the need to talk to your friends about

WHILE WE DEAL WITH THE OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF WORK THAT WE HAVE TO DO, WE ALSO HAVE TO UNDER-

Bad weather also has a history of being linked to depression, so that certainly doesn’t help Obies with the nature of finals season. There’s really not much we can do to combat the weather, so we’re S.O.L. there.

However, we can make sure that we practice proper hy-

STAND THAT MENTAL HEALTH

giene in this weather so that we don’t get each other sick. Be-

IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST

ever. Trust me; I’ve been through it. It’s ass. Don’t be lazy and

PRIORITIES TO PINPOINT.

ing the restroom. Use hand sanitizer frequently. Also, dress

ADDRESS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IF YOU’RE FEELING OVERWHELMED.

ing sick during finals is one of the most garbage experiences disgusting. Practice basic hygiene. Wash your hands after usappropriately for the weather. Don’t be the headass who wears shorts in the snow. Just… use the intelligence and common sense you displayed when you applied to Oberlin. Here’s another note: Please be careful when you walk outside. With all of this snow and ice on the ground, it’s almost inevitable for somebody to bust their ass and hurt themselves. Don’t be that person. Finals season is already stressful; it’s probably even worse with an injury.

Remember, finals season is supposed to be difficult. The

strong-seeming friends. They could be putting on a face for the public to see, but they may be suffering internally.

It’s also December in cold-ass Ohio. Those walks to class are a million times worse when it’s below freezing outside.

difficulty isn’t greater than what you’re made of, though.

You’re more than capable enough to succeed at this school.

You belong here. You owe it to yourself to work as hard as you possibly can. You deserve to showcase your brilliance at the end of this semester. YOU GOT THIS!

WE ARE HIRING FOR THIS SECTION! APPLICATIONS ARE OPEN FOR OPINIONS SECTION EDITOR: EMAIL THEGRAPE@ OBERLIN.EDU OR FIND THE APPLICATION ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE December 14th, 2018

A Conversation With OSLAM Grand Slam Winner

BY BEN RICHMAN | CONTRIBUTING WRITER The OSLAM Grand Slam, held November 30th, was one of OSLAM’S biggest events this semester, bringing 800 attendees, who filled Finney Chapel to hear OSLAM poets perform original work and compete for a spot to perform at the College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational (CUPSI). The event, hosted by Nani Borges, also had a special performance from And What!? and Daniella Hope. The proceeds from ticket sales went to Black Mama’s Bail Out, a campaign organized by the National Bail Out Fund to bail out black moms who would otherwise be separated from their family on Mother’s Day. The amazing OSLAM performers included Alejandro Barbosa, Amy Sahud, Banu Newell, Emmaleth Ryan, Hanne Williams-Baron, Jalen Woods, Kai Joy, Marlee Neugass, Nassirah Fair, Olivia Huntly, Sarah Ridly, and Zoe Luh, all of whom performed powerful, thoughtful and important poems that shed light on topics ranging from police brutality to sexual assault,to family, and food. The Grape talked to Thandiwe Augustin-Glave (first year, She/Her/Hers), one of the winners of the Grand Slam, who will be competing at CUPSI in the spring.

What reflections do you have looking back on the Grand Slam? Are there any highlights that stuck out to you?

I really love being a member of OSLAM. It was just amazing to hear people’s poems evolve. I know my friend Banu’s poem went from him being like ‘I just wrote this poem how does it sound?’ to him performing it, and then adding physical life to it. That was profound on so many levels. To see the process of that evolving overtime was so amazing. It’s so amazing to watch people grow their pieces, and watch their pieces bloom into these amazing performances. Hearing Hanne’s piece and hearing how it changed was also so amazing. I didn’t think it could get better and it just got better every time.

What was it like performing in Finney for such a large crowd?

Finney Chapel is a big deal for OSLAM. We’ve never had a venue that large, and the fact that we were able to get 800 people there out of a 1200 seat house was something we saw as a dream and to see that dream come true was just amazing. To see all the work that Hanne put into it and how much she believed in it really motivated all of us to put our all into it. It’s interesting because when you’re sharing something you create, something that is from you, you just want to invite the audience into the poem and be invited in by them. It’s a very reciprocal experience. And if I can share my poem in front of 5 strangers I could share my poem in front of 500 strangers.

What would you like Oberlin to know about OSLAM? It takes a lot to write something and share it with people. It may look easy but a lot goes into that process and there is a lot of questioning ‘Is this good enough?’ and telling yourself ‘This is good enough!’ I think poetry can help a lot of people work

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through what they’re going through. I see my OSLAM members going on stage and bearing their hearts out and having these deep confessional type pieces where they analyze aspects of their life that they weren’t always able to in the moment that it was happening to them, and that takes a lot. Especially as a black artist on a very white campus it can be difficult. Before you come up to me afterwards, and are like, ‘Oh that was so amazing’ make sure you understand the position you’re com-

IF I CAN SHARE MY POEM IN FRONT OF 5 STRANGERS I COULD SHARE MY POEM IN FRONT OF 500 STRANGERS ing from. Be more conscious and try to be respectful. We’re so glad that it touched you, but understand that we’re people and this is really personal stuff.

What are your thoughts on OSLAM as a community?

We definitely support each other in a lot of ways as artists, and part of that is recognizing that we are more than artists, and before we are artists we are people. Take care of yourself as a person. Don’t sacrifice yourself for your art. Don’t put saying what you think you need to say in front of processing and taking care of yourself and not everything that you write needs to be shared. Sometimes you need to sit on it and reflect, which OSLAM has helped me with a lot.

Is there anything that you want audience members to take away from the performance?

I think that it is always important for people to recognize their privileges, and you never stop growing, and you never stop learning. We have to constantly unlearn what we’ve been conditioned to accept in ourselves.

Also, constantly question the way you are interacting with people in your lives and ask how you can be better. At the same time, I think

it’s important to understand that other people always have room to grow. We shouldn’t be too quick to dismiss people for being imperfect, but still call people out when they are being disrespectful and ignoring people’s whole-ass identities. You have to understand how you are affecting people’s everyday lives and contributing to larger systems. It’s important to bring attention to those things, and that’s part of the power of poetry. I don’t remember who said it but there is a quote that says “The poet’s job is to warn” which is raw as fuck. We place ourselves in a position to educate just by sharing our experiences and that can be reflected in everyone’s’ everyday encounters. You can take what you’ve heard and actually talk about it. Like what am I doing to take away from other people’s humanity? Poetry often comes from a place of pain and if you feel uncomfortable listening to someone talk about their pain because you have been a contributor of that then you should be considering that. Hearing other people’s poems made me think about myself and made me want to change and be better.

Are you excited for CUPSI? Yes! I’m super excited! This is my first time. It’s a bunch of different colleges competing over three or four days. I’m excited to hear poetry from other colleges and perform in front of so many other poets.

Final thoughts?

I really want to thank everyone who came! It was so amazing to see all those faces. It truly was a restorative event. There were so many magical moments in that room.

PHOTO BY SAM BLIEDEN

Cab Beret, An Improvised Pun Play, Fails To Take Oberlin By Storm

BY PETER STERN | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

“It was energetic, it was...dynamic. Spontaneous, might be the best word to describe it,” says faculty member Laura Carlson-Tarantowski, Scenic Designer of Oberlin’s theater department. She was one of the three audience members who attended the November 30th production of “Cab Beret.” Laura, however, prefers the term “witness.”

Last week, “Cab Beret,” not to be confused with the mainstage production of “Cabaret,” inaugurated Oberlin’s

WE WOULD FOREVER HOLD THE GLORY OF PERFORMING FIRST ON THE NEW STAGE new Wurtzel Theater, which opened this month after much anticipation. While “Cabaret” revolves around an American author’s relationship with the singer of a nightclub in 1930s Berlin, “Cab Beret” is simply the tale of two people living in Paris – one drives a cab, while the other wears a beret. These are also the lyrics to “Cab Beret’s” opening (and only) song.

First-year Zoe Miller paid $20 to see the production, which she would like me to mention is only because I handed her the $20 to give back to me. “It was very avantgarde,” says Zoe, “I feel like there was a deeper meaning, but I’m not sure what it was.” Rumor has it that Zoe is also the sole owner of a bootleg recording of the musical.

“It’s like a four-second video that I posted on my Insta story. I will say, though, that it doesn’t do ‘Cab Beret’ justice.”

Some have called “Cab Beret” amateurish, but this isn’t my first rodeo. Note: “rodeo” here refers to writing and starring in fake musicals!

In tenth grade, I concocted “Dance! The Musical” which was listed as one of Lin Manuel Miranda’s writing credits on Wikipedia for a solid two weeks. “Cab Beret,” however, is not fake news. It successfully marked off all the criteria of a standard theatrical production. Performers? Check. Stage? Check. Audience?

Two of them just happened to be in the room, but remarkably stayed throughout “Cab Beret’s” entire three-minute run time.

First-year Jemma Johnson-Shoucair comprised onehalf of “Cab Beret’s” two person cast. She received glowing

reviews as a cab driver who drives around a beret-wearing individual, played by yours truly. As scenic assistants in the Paint Shop, we had been painting the “Cabaret” set for almost a month, all the while surrounded by frequent buzz about the anticipated opening of the new theater. We came to a firm agreement that we would not let the very talented and deserving cast of “Cabaret” open the space, but, rather, we would forever hold the glory of performing first on the new stage. After clocking out for the day, we quickly posted an event on the Oberlin 2022 Facebook page, and briskly made our way to the Wurtzel. The event was posted at 3:05 pm, and the performance began at 3:10. “All of Oberlin’s musicals are really good,” says Jemma, “But the fact that we spent a month building a set for a ten second musical says a lot about this production’s significance.”

One might say that “Cab Beret” took the Oberlin community by storm. That sentence has not yet been said, but that doesn’t rule out the possibility that it might be in the future. One student commented on the Facebook event: “Wait is this just at 3:10 today?? I’m confused.” However, unlucky potential patrons of “Cab Beret” will be pleased to know that there has been talk of reviving the production one last time. In fact, negotiations of a whole “Cab Beret” series

PHOTO BY BEN RICHMAN

The Art of Texting

BY BEN RICHMAN | CONTRIBUTING WRITER The art of adding tone to text messages is something that should not go unappreciated. The complexities of human existence -- the pain, the joy and the melancholy -- can not always be articulated through texts. Creating tone is a nuanced and tricky skill that, if done incorrectly, can lead to disaster. We are all aware of the obvious techniques to add an underlying message to seemingly innocuous texts, like the thirsty extra ‘y’ on the end of ‘heyy’ or the abrupt period after one word texts that add a sense of petty annoyance to a word as simple as ‘ok.’ These techniques, however, are not enough to capture emotions and ideas more complex than just being horny or angry. For a deeper dive into how to spice up your hastily-written words, read on.

The nonchalant exclamation: For when the exclamation point needs some space.

Adding a space before the exclamation point gives some breathing room, adding a chill demeanor to the sentence. It shows you’re excited, but in a fun, cool way, because you’re a cool kid, who’s down for whatever.

“Amazing !” is very different from “Amazing!” The extra space between the subject “Amazing,” and the qualifier “!” allows for a reduction of the frantic tone in the original message. The same rule applies to the equally as nonchalant space before the question mark which says: I’m asking this question, I guess.

YOU’RE NOT BEING RUDE, YOU’RE JUST A MIDDLE AGED PARENT UNSURE OF HOW TO RELATE TO THEIR CHILDREN ILLUSTRATION BY GRACE KIRK have been put in place, and theatergoers can look forward to its spin-off performances: “Cab Toupee,” “Cab Hurray,” and “Cab Sashay Away.”

“My experience was phenomenal,” says star Jemma, looking back. “You can do anything you wanna do. If you wanna be a cab driver, you can be one. If you wanna wear a beret– wear it.” But perhaps, “Cab Beret” is best summarized by Ms. Carlson-Tarantowski’s review: “Oh, wait, what I saw was a performance?”

The passive-aggressive ‘lol’: When you both know no one is actually laughing out loud.

This lol is very different from the acronyms’ original purpose. Being straightforward is hard. Adding an lol can take the edge off of an otherwise aggressive text, allowing you to be honest with someone in a more lighthearted way: “Hey can someone please add to the google doc, its currently empty lol” “Heard what you said about me lol” “I think I need some space lol” “I’ve never liked your experimental performance art lol”

December 14th, 2018

This method can also be used for equally risky non aggressive texts like, “We should be more than friends lol” “I’m in love with your brother and want him to participate in the kissing booth at my schools carnival lol” The dramatic ellipsis(...): When you want to say something… But it doesn’t matter... no one cares anyway…

Any great director will tell you that pauses in dialogue can be as important as the dialogue itself. Anger, sadness, and regret can all be articulated in subtle pauses. But in a-tonal text messages, how do you add a prolonged sigh? Or a glance off into the distance? If you want the reader of your message to know you’re typing your text as you wistfully stare out of your window with a glass of brandy in hand... just add a few ellipses in there. Adding a dramatic pause in your text message tells the recipient that you are going through something deep and profound. It can add a sense of intrigue to any text message, showing that you are mysterious and dark.

“I’ll do the dishes later… I just need some time by myself.”

“Can I borrow your car… I just need to drive… to CVS” The ellipsis can also be useful in adding a dramatic moment of suspense before a difficult confession: “Mom… I have to come clean… I was the one who ate all

the cookies from the cookie jar.”

Or: “I used your netflix… to watch The Kissing Booth.”

MAYBE JUST HAVE THE CONVERSATION FACE TO FACE...

The series of short abrupt sentences: When you’re not being rude, you’re just a middle aged parent unsure of how to relate to their children.

Sometimes adding tone is not just about showing your emotions. It can also be about adding a sense of self to the voice of the message, especially if that voice is in their 50’s and is texting you that “Mom cut hair. Call soon. Bye. -Dad.” This use of voice can add a sense of character to your text, revealing more about the speaker. Simple texts like “Found your fake I.D. Not good. Come home.” can show that the speaker just discovered Facebook and is liking all of your friend’s photos, or that they were disappointed with the Big Bang Theory spinoff Young Sheldon. This text style adds

some maturity and wisdom to your texting, because you don’t have time to text in full sentences, you have bills, a mortgage, and a kid who who goes to a $70,000 all-year-round summer camp. This method can also be used to try and show that you are hip to what the kids are into these days.

“Your performance art is very lit. Enjoyed part where you shaved on stage. Cool stuff.”

“I am lol’ing right now. Great meme. Good find.”

I hope that these techniques will serve you well as you try to navigate your personal and professional relationships via text messages, Instagram DM, or even an errant Facebook message that gets lost in their message request inbox because they haven’t accepted your friend request. Emotions are complicated and communication can be hard but if I learned anything from Joey King’s character in Netflix’s The Kissing Booth, maybe the best technique for successful communication is to just be direct and straightforward. Or maybe just have the conversation face to face...

Charmed, I’m Sure: Is the new “Power of Three” Too Free?

BY GRACE KIRK | LAYOUT EDITOR For all my fellow Wiccans out there, growing up in the Charmed life was nothing short of perfection. The series premiered in 1998, starring three sisters in San Francisco who find out they are witches. I can honestly say that Season 2 Prue, the eldest of the original sisters, rocked my bi-curious world, and when she left the fictitious one in season 3, we all mourned. However, the Power of Three carried on with the introduction of their half-sister Paige, allowing the original show to continue until 2006. That is until the show’s title was picked up by the CW and rebooted in 2018.

Born again on the CW, Charmed premiered on Sunday, October 14. With interest in witchcraft and the occult making a revival in the mainstream, one would think the comeback of easily the most iconic female-dominated show of the ’90s would be a welcome kind of nostalgia.

But alas, even the original three sisters -- Shannen Doherty

PHOTO BY GRACE KIRK as Prue, Holly Marie Combs as Piper, and Alyssa Milano as Phoebe -- have spoken out about their issues with the reboot.

Combs pointed out that the original cast was not brought in to consult on the new show. Although it is meant to pay homage to the original not as a remake but simply as a Charmed-inspired show, the reboot is eerily similar to the original, and not in a good way.

Really, the only thing the pilot episode of the reboot got right is the diverse cast. The new sisters -- - Mel, Macy, and Maggie -- - are played by Madeleine Mantock, Melonie Diaz and Sarah Jeffery, respectively. Even though the sisters may now be women of color, the show’s attempt at diversity be-

14

comes an afterthought in an overstuffed first episode. In a mere 40 minutes, the show crams the death of their mother, a period of mourning, the breakup of Mel and her girlfriend, the beginning of Maggie’s first year at the local college, the introduction and eventual acceptance of both a new sister and their white lighter (guardian angels for good witches), and a fight with a baddie.

While the concept of the Power of Three -- the three pow-

THE POWER OF THREE...IS SOMETHING THAT INSPIRED GENERATIONS OF WOMEN. erful sister witches -- is something that inspired generations of women, the introduction of the third sister as a secret halfsister, the repetition of the same first-letter names, and the untimely death of the mother - who, you guessed it, kept the girls’ powers and heritage secret - are just three more parallels between the two shows that are too speedily introduced to the show and end up thinning out the storyline.

The consensus is that the cheap reboot lacks any of the original charm of three women coming into their own power and realizing the importance of their sisterly bond in a patriarchal world.

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, this shabby attempt at creating a feminism-centered show is a backhanded endeavor at best. The sisters’ triumph over the pilot’s villain, a predatory demon/professor at the local college who both killed the girls’ mother and assaulted another character,may be the manifestation of many women’s dreams in the current climate; however, the script turns this momentous dialogue into a tawdry joke, using language that laughs at current feminist movements rather than utilizing them to expand the show’s effectiveness, ultimately negating the whole purpose of pursuing a “woke” plot.

Although lacking diversity, the original Charmed show carried all of the charm the reboot missed. With sassy sisters,

relatable struggles, and an abundance of bewitching love interests, our favorite trio of San Franciscan sisters put a spell on all their viewers. Freshman and fellow Charmed enthusiast Alex Thompson stated, in all its former glory, Charmed, “is all about the sisterhood! The episodes all have their own thing, but you get attached to the characters and that’s why you stay with the show. You want to go through their lives with them; through all of the cute sister moments and all the heartbreak because they become your family.”

On the other hand, the new show is still sassy but lacks any sense of sisterhood apart from DNA. The only thing keeping Mel, Macy, and Maggie together is the lost hope of a dead mother that they might fulfill a destiny they know too little about to make an informed decision to accept it. The reboot ends up too loose and the storyline too free to make any coherent point.

Ultimately, reader, rather than wasting time trying to develop feelings for a crummy new show, reboot your love of Charmed by having a night in with your old favorite 90’s show, available on Netflix.

PHOTO BY GRACE KIRK

Laurel Kirtz: An Oberlin Enigma

BY ANNA POLACEK | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

The following is an excerpt from a long-form piece written by contributing writer Anna Polacek’s for (her/their) literary journalism class, edited down for The Grape.

Soon after I hung up the phone, I got an email from Laurel containing a five-page document titled “Timeline of Laurel Kirtz’s Life.” The document consisted of an extensive bullet point list of all the significant moments that happened throughout each year that Laurel has been alive. I combed through the information, searching for anything that would reveal something exceptional about her. She was born on December 14th, 1974, in Oberlin, Ohio with a Sagittarius Sun & Moon with Virgo rising. In 1984, she had her spiritual awakening: “tarot already underway, bought 1st astro book, read about reincarnation.” In 1989, Laurel moved away to the East coast to attend boarding school. During this time she published a fanzine, “opened the doors of perception,” began attending raves, and lost her virginity. In 1993, she moved to Boston, where she went to Emerson College to study writing and publishing, and also to take classes at Mass Art. She lived with Kathleen, a stripper and art student, and Haas and Benny, her “rave buddies.” She worked as a housecleaner and declutterer, co-founded a nonprofit called What’s-Up Magazine, and had a 2 year long period of celibacy. In 1998-99, she began her career in performance art as a baton twirler and spoken word artist. In 2000, George Bush was elected, and she enacted her survivalist agenda to prep for societies crumbling. She attended Coach University for Life Coaching. 2010 was titled “The Year My Shit Hit the Fan.” She underwent a job-turnover, a breakup, and the beginning of a legal battle with Wells Fargo over her home foreclosure. In 2015, Laurel moved home to Oberlin, Ohio.

My obsession with Laurel began early on in the semester at a dominatrix-themed birthday party for someone I hardly knew. After ascending a narrow staircase to enter the second-floor apartment, we were greeted by a full room of 18-22

MY OBSESSION WITH LAUREL BEGAN EARLY ON IN THE SEMESTER AT A DOMINATRIXTHEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY OF SOMEONE I HARDLY KNEW year-olds wearing risque garb. Provocative art hung from the ceiling, glitter littered the floor, and European house music blasted from the professional sound system.

Sometime around 1 AM the music stopped and a circle formed around seemingly no one. Just when I thought the party was over a new song began, and Laurel, a forty-yearold woman sporting a unitard, dramatic eye makeup, and two batons entered the circle. She was clearly much older than us, yet her face was so young and with her wavy feathered bangs, she may have stopped aging altogether in 1992. She proceeded to do a dance performance so amazing that I have struggled with accurately describing it every time I attempt to. But for the sake of my reader, I will try.

It started out with little body movement, focused solely on the nonstop twirling of the batons in her hands. Gradually, bouncing side-steps and hip movements were incorporated. She threw up the baton, catching it and continuing to

twirl as if she had been holding it the entire time. The crowd cheered, now completely captivated. She effortlessly moved with the music while twirling her batons like nothing I had ever seen before. She was there, performing in front of us.

But it seemed almost as though she wasn’t performing for us.

She truly looked lost in the moment, unconcerned with the number of eyes following her. Her own eyes were wide open, yet she didn’t appear to be looking at anything in particular,

ART BY ZOLA HABER instead focusing solely on her body immersed in the music. A woman 20 years our senior wearing minimal clothing is not something most of us would expect to see at a college party.

But one thing’s for sure: I gladly accepted her invigorating presence. ~~~~ Laurel first appeared in my life with her astrology column for this newspaper. Before she even spoke in that first Grape meeting, I knew there was something more to her than most people possess. She carries herself assuredly. She expresses her thoughts without fear of approval even if the topic she is delivering on is the legitimacy of astrological methodology. She also parties hard. Without appearing botched like many of the young people around her, I’ve periodically seen her woven into the college nightlife scene. Like her dancing, she is graceful, rhythmic and poised, yet still enthusiastic in everything she does.

My idea of Laurel before I began writing this profile was the quirky lady who wrote horoscopes for The Grape. She was wacky and eccentric and whatever she said in those meetings was probably not on par with the superior thinking of us barely post-teenaged college students. She was seen at college parties. She was the perfect zany character to write a

profile on, and it would be comical and witty.

This outlook is widely held among many Oberlin students who discount her livelihood as a frivolous hobby. Deep down, I felt this way when I watched her baton performance, when I introduced myself, and when we set up the interview. I had a superiority complex that functioned as a defense mechanism to how nervous I truly felt. I thought that cool demeanor would alleviate my intimidation about Laurel’s eccentricities. ~~~~~ After scheduling an interview, we met in an enormous room on the second floor of Wilder with a fireplace and a massive wrap around couch. She entered the room with a balled up linen sheet in one hand and two slices of pizza sandwiched together in the other. The sheet is for a dance performance she is helping out with after the interview. The pizza she found somewhere on the first floor.

I had prepared a set of questions leading up to the interview, but things began more casually than I expected. She had a costume idea for a Halloween party we were both attending to tell me about. She would dress up as a professor, and she would butt into conversations at the party and be like “Hey, what are you guys talking about? Oh yeah, well I’ll tell you.” I was going to be Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain. She hadn’t seen Brokeback Mountain.

Eventually I found an opening in the conversation to start asking my questions. We began with the basics. She is an active presence on campus. Her involvements are the reason I know about her in the first place. She helps out with Big Parade, student dance performances, and used to throw a series of parties called Dance Nite. On top of her active involvements with campus publications and organizations, the Dance Nite parties are another reason she has infiltrated the student social scene. When Laurel moved home in 2015, she was disappointed with how little people who live in town interact with students.

Growing up, Laurel had a close relationship with the college. She was comfortable walking around Mudd as a young kid, spinning in the womb chairs. But after she moved to the East Coast in the 9th grade, the town-gown divide only increased. She blames it on the College. “They shunned the townies. They were like ‘we can control our students but we can’t control you and therefore this element of uncertainty we’re going to remove.’ And that’s when they closed the Ratskeller down and made the ‘Sco less accessible to outsiders.”

She told me about how, as a “townie,” it feels weird going into the college’s zones now. The college has become a bubble outsiders feel uncomfortable crossing. But for Laurel, it’s easy to ignore. She’s like, “Whatever dudes. I want to be in your face. Deal with it.” She thinks she stands out more “because there aren’t allowed to be more of me interacting with you guys. I think I bowl right through what it is that’s supposed to be separating us. I love breaking rules that are stupid.”

Laurel effortlessly breaks boundaries that might make you or me slightly uncomfortable. She’s a 40 year old woman who parties with college students, she’s a self-ascribed astrologist, and baton-twirling performer. She doesn’t really care how we feel about it. ~~~~ In her twenties, Laurel got into the club and rave dance music scene of the 90’s. “You could say when I became a club kid and raver, I went out dancing at clubs 1-3 times a week.”

This is where she really learned how to gain confidence. She faked it till she made it. “I would get on the dance floor and pretend I was a badass when really I was scared to death.”

And eventually she became a good dancer. “Ignore your fears,” she told me. “Even when you’re hands are shaking,

December 14th, 2018

and it’s so noticeable that you’re scared, just pretend like your hands aren’t.”

She doesn’t worry about whether or not she’s saying the right thing. She just begins talking, and she talks for a long time. Whether or not it flows together doesn’t really matter because in the end she would complete her thought and it was extremely articulate and poignant.

“I fuck up all the time on stage, man. I have made so many mistakes baton twirling. I have hit people, I have made the baton go behind something so I can’t even get it anymore, I’ve hit myself, I’ve fallen off stage, I’ve had wardrobe malfunctions. I just keep going and people lose their minds.” Everyone hates to see someone who’s not confident, she tells me.

Showing humility, or making mistakes, is better for everyone.

“Because imperfection, and having confidence in imperfection, makes everyone feel better.” ~~~ When Laurel was 30 years old and living in Boston, she bought a Victorian mansion with a loan from the bank. But she couldn’t afford it, she told me. Banks were giving away easy loans and she lost her home to foreclosure like many other when the housing bubble burst. It destroyed her. She was suicidal. “I couldn’t even go into the myriad details that

slowly drove me to bits. I essentially died because everything got washed away. All my hopes, desire, my will to live. I got taken down a notch. I got cut out at the knees.”

ONE THING’S FOR SURE: I GLADLY ACCEPTED HER INVIGORATING PRESENCE “I think what I’m trying to say is after that happened, and the fact that I survived, turned me into a different Laurel.”

Now, she’s a much more grounded Laurel. It’s a good thing, she said, because she was too idealistic. “I had a superhero complex. I thought that I could do anything. Which is not about confidence. It’s about realism.”

Watching Laurel dance at the party above Ottica was so striking because I craved her confidence. Her physical ease was equally mesmerizing and astonishing amidst a crowd of college students who spend the majority of their time con-

cerned with themselves. The social culture at Oberlin has an obsession with image. When I’m feeling more grounded, I might describe it as a soul-crushing hyper-awareness. It consists of a constant consciousness of how you are presenting to the world. Those of us who have fallen into this trap pay such close attention to our own image that the only time we are paying attention to other peoples images is when we are comparing them to our own.

Sitting across from her in an enormous room on that huge wrap-around couch, I realized she may have gotten her confidence from something else. “So you think that full self-assuredness just comes with age?” I asked. “Yeah I guess,” she said. “The longer you live your life, the more life you have to reflect on. So things seem less and less significant over time.

Even if they’re sort of exactly the same. Like, you get a job, and you’ll get a job when you’re twenty and you’ll be like, ‘Oh my god!’ and it happens when you’re forty and you’ll be like, ‘Yeah, ok… cool.’ Everything always changes with the context of time.”

Don’t Study for Exams, Eat and Be Merry!!

BY AMBER SCHERER | CONTRIBUTING WRITER Amber Scherer is a member of the Oberlin Conservatory Council of Students, a four-person elected body representing students within the Conservatory.

Do you ever have an itching for heated competition in an indoors table soccer tournament? Please look no further! The Oberlin Conservatory Council of Students presents the first official Oberlin Conservatory Foosball Tournament.

This Saturday, December 15th, from 6 - 8 pm, twelve teams will duke it out for the honor of becoming Oberlin’s first Foosball Doubles Champions. The tournament will then take a break and resume at 9:30 pm, as the few remaining teams vie for gold.

The Conservatory Council of Students (CCS) will provide free Lorenzo’s pizza, chips and dips, and drinks for all! If you would like to join the tournament, please contact Amber Scherer at ascherer@oberlin.edu. If you don’t want to play, but simply spectate, you are also welcome to join the event on the first floor of the Robertson building.

On an equally fun and more holiday-spirited note, CCS is also organizing the Oberlin Children’s Holiday Concert this coming Sunday! Continuing a now two-year tradition, CCS invites all Oberlin students, faculty, staff, and community members to the musical event of the semester.

At 4 pm this Sunday, December 16th, there will be live music (a quartet of four clarinets playing “Santa Baby,” for some reason?), a string quartet you can conduct, and as ever, pizza from our overlords at Lorenzo’s Pizzeria. I can’t forget to mention the one hundred donated goods from Blue Rooster, more baked sweets made by Oberlin students, an instrument petting zoo, and face-painting! All of this commotion will be held in the Warner Concert Hall Lobby (visible through the large glass windows facing the Conservatory koi pond).

The main event is reserved for 5 pm, inside the concert hall.

Dozens of Conservatory and College musicians have volunteered to perform orchestral works, the equally famous “Waltz of the Flowers” from the Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky and “Sleigh Ride!” In all seriousness, these musicians are giving up hours of their reading period to rehearse and perform, for others’ enjoyment. The Children’s Concert is intended to embody the holiday spirit, in that sense, so we can all join in the fellowship of good food and music.

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COMIC BY ANYA SPECTOR

Everyone’s Finals Just Slightly More Demanding than Yours, Study Finds You Should Be Ashamed, Supplemental Survey Reports

BY MADI METTENBURG | CONTRIBUTING WRITER A groundbreaking new study by The Center for Ex-Gifted Children and Their Imposter Syndrome found that while finals are generally stressful, everyone else’s finals are just slightly more demanding than yours. A supplemental study concludes that since the stress you feel is so comparatively underwhelming, you deserve far fewer Instagram breaks than you are currently taking.

Included in this report were statistics illustrating that everyone else, on average, has ten more pages to write than you.

Additionally, everyone else has at least one more exam, which is, on average, 85% more

difficult than any exam you’ll ever take.

However, the report wasn’t just dry statistics without real-world applications; also included were the results of the report’s extensive survey project. Talking with your classmates cemented this study’s findings — that everyone just has way more on their plate than you. A reported 87% of students, when returning a perfunctory “how are you?”, receive assurances that it’s good — glad you’re doing well, but whew, things are pretty hectic over here since I’m getting sick, and we’re really racing to the finish line!

The survey found that the sites of such conversation varied little, happening almost

THE GRAPE

entirely between the tables on first-floor Mudd and the water bottle station in Azariah’s. Mudd’s illicit cigarette ramp was also a culprit, though the conversation reported here skewed much more apathetic and Foucault-centric than the campus average. In such areas, researchers have found a 69% likelihood of students being approached by baseball-hat-guy from their biggest lecture and told, barely prompted, how they just can’t get that paper off their mind. Additionally, 54% of students during such a conversation report learning that the homoerotic undertones in Andy Warhol’s Empire are so beautifully understated,

and are then recommended a plethora of supplemental readings that they are too polite to refuse.

Despite its findings, the study concluded on a note of hope. As everyone diligently studying on upper floors flees the stench of the Naked Run, the study reported a high percentage of empty study carrels available for you to work in — the good ones near outlets. Researches recommend using this two-hour period, however brief and smelly, to catch up.

December 14th, 2018

BY EMMA KANG JAMES I CONTRIBUTOR

BY PRIYA BANERJEE I CONTRIBUTOR

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A Definitive Ranking of the SEXIEST Professors at Oberlin Wherein sexiness is wholly defined by their willingness to not give me a “C” despite numerous absences

BY PJ MCCORMICK | ARTS AND CULTURE EDITOR Everybody has their thing. For some, it’s BDE, for others, it’s assertiveness, or foot porn. But personally, if there’s one thing that really gets me going, it’s professors slapping any grade above a C+ on my report card at the end of the semester, despite my habit of stumbling into their class 40 minutes late, fueled only by hangover fumes, Zoloft, and a coffee from The Local...or refusing to show up entirely.

Composing a list of Oberlin’s sexiest professors based only on this criterion obviously limits the pool significantly, and for good reason. To all of my professors, past and present, who didn’t make the cut, I’m sorry. Both for skipping your photo class on progress report day, and because I cannot, in good faith, label you “sexy” by my standards. It takes a certain type of grip to shift this stick into gear, and it requires not tossing me the grades I undoubtedly deserve this semester. Sorry in advance to my mom and dad. I guess I’ll have to see if the “having trouble adjusting to college” excuse works again in one’s junior year.

With that, let’s get to the professor who’ve made me hot and horny in my time at Oberlin by looking the other way when they’re evaluating my class participation.

Erik Inglis — Art History Department Hubba hubba ouchie ouchie wow wow. Professor Inglis claimed his spot on this list easily. All of my professors for first semester freshman year were more than eligible for this list, but Inglis makes the cut in large part because his class took place in King 106, with 70-some students. Just thinking about it gets me going. While I’ve retained very little from the course save for the phrase “contrapposto” — which, I’m happy to report, has appeared at least three times in my coursework this semester alone — as long as you got the assignments in on time, Inglis was sexy as hell (by my definition). Thanks baby! Hope to see you here next year.

Jennifer Bryan (Potential Pick) — English Department The list’s sole potential entry is Professor Bryan, who currently teaches my Canterbury Tales course. While it remains to be seen whether Professor Bryan is sexy, I am really hoping that I end up thinking so. My English GPA cannot take another hit from an unsexy professor. It probably would’ve been kind of a funny in-joke to write this whole entry in Chaucerian meter, but I guess that’s a testament to the kind of student I am. Here’s hoping!

Chris Howell — Politics Department Back when I thought being a Politics major could be cool, I took Professor Howell’s “Problems in Contemporary Leftist Politics,” and while the subject matter certainly didn’t make me horny, that big ol’ “P” on my transcript sure did. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to think Professor Howell was sexy when sophomores with beards were explaining another reading I didn’t do about a communist cell in 70s Paris, but Howell came through and ended up being totally fucking sexy. Thanks Chris!

Whoever Grades the “Practicum In Journalism” I owe all this to The Grape, which makes this publication very sexy. Then-EICs Luke and Jake claimed that you needed to write an article for every edition of the semester in order to earn a “Pass” in Practicum in Journalism, and against my better judgement, I had convinced myself that they weren’t sexy. Turns out they were totally lying (no duh), and I ended up getting horny for them and whoever ended up passing me. Thanks stranger!

Okay! Writing a “definitive” list is hard and I don’t want to keep doing it.

Thanks to all the sexy professors in my life. Muah!

Finals Week Hallucinations

BY GRACE SMITH | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Finals week is a time where cortisol levels and submissions to the “Oberlin Places I’ve Cried” Facebook p age reach an all time high. A time in which womb chairs and horizontal surfaces become prime napping real estate. Yet we still nod to our fellow students on the sidewalk, unified by our matching eyebags and collective delirium. Enclosed, dear reader, is a log of my finals week hallucinations while on my daily regimen of coffee, Zoloft, and 3.5 hours of sleep.

Day 1: I awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of rummaging. I flicked on the light and was astonished to find Phalangelina Jolie (pictured below) rooting through my desk.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Looking for my ring,” she replied, inspecting a package of fruit snacks.

“Why? You’re not married to Brad anymore…” I protested. She threw me a chilling glare and I recoiled into the corner of my bed.

“Ah, here it is!” she sighed. She placed a reusable metal straw onto one absurdly long finger and skittered off.

Day 2: While perusing the selection of Decafé drinks, I discovered the only La Croix flavor offered was “subtle fruit.” Out of curiosity, I opened a can and turned it upside down. All that came out was a gentle breeze.

Day 3: An Uber driver in a blue Honda Civic followed me around all day. She would honk her horn and yell “UBER FOR GRACE” every time I made a joke that didn’t land. I thought I had escaped her while studying with my friend in the Science Center atrium. At one point, I made a joke about how diva cups are just shot glasses for Bloody Marys. No laughter followed. My friend grimaced without looking up from her work. Five seconds later, Uber lady drove through the adjacent glass wall while shrieking, “YOUR RIDE IS HERE”.

Day 4: The weather app said there was a 2% chance of precipitation today. I gazed out my window at cartons of reduced-fat milk falling from the sky.

Day 5: I walked outside to find a rally of male stand up comedians protesting for more personality traits.

They all held picket signs with the same two phrases: “I want originality” “I want self-awareness” A couple guys left in a huff, having thought the rally was a Comedy Central audition.

December 14th, 2018