FEBRUARY 22 2019 by The Oberlin Grape

VOL. 19, NO. 7 Editors-in-Chief Sophie Jones Ian Feather

OBERLIN’S STUDENT CULTURE MAGAZINE

Managing Editor Charlie Rinehart-Jones Content Editors Ruby Anderson PJ McCormick Devin McMahon Molly Bryson Cover Art Lilly Blender

Layout Editors Natalie Hawthorne Grace Kirk Leora Swerdlow Nico Vickers

Copy Editors Nell Back Eleanor Cunningham Olivia Hacker-Keating

Staff Writers Jason Hewitt Zoe Jasper Sam Schuman

Photo Editor Emery Webster Web Editor Leah Yassky

EST. 1999 February 22, 2019 Contributing Writers Molly Gump Emma Kang Juna Keehn Julia McCormick Grace Smith Josh Spielman Julian Worth

Back Page Rachel Weinstein Ruby Anderson Molly Gump

WANT TO SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT? COME TO OUR NEXT MEETING! SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 4:00 PM IN WILDER 115 OR, IF YOU HAVE AN IDEA, SHOOT US AN EMAIL; THEGRAPE@OBERLIN.EDU

The Review said they couldn’t (wouldn’t?) publish this BY SOPHIE JONES, IAN FEATHER, PJ MCCORMICK | CO-EDITORS-IN-CHIEF, ARTS AND CUTURE EDITOR

The Review recently reached out to us for comment on a spread about campus publications. We happily complied with their request for a short, honest blurb about The Grape. With gusto, we coerced our junior staff into helping us bang out a masterful description of our dear publication and its purpose in our community. Perhaps understandably, The Review refused to publish (dare we say, censored?) our good work. Please find our opus in full, bellow. Founded in 1999, The Grape is Oberlin’s sole publication. Dedicated to capturing the intricacies of students’ lives and campus culture through humor, art, and good ‘ol fashioned journalism, The Grape truly is a mouthpiece/occasional echo chamber for all that is relevant (or not) on Oberlin’s campus. With a little something for everyone, The Grape is everything you want in a bi-weekly publication, plus a lot of stuff you don’t. We won’t deny that The Grape has had a historically fraught relationship with The Review, but everything is totally fine now; don’t worry--it’s very chill. Yet rumors continue to circulate that The Grape and The Review are involved in a prolonged feud, a war even. We’re happy to report (get it? journalism?) that that couldn’t be further from the truth! Can a point of tension really be described as a “feud” when one side has unequivocally risen above the other, when triumph is involved? If your ex still responds to all of your Instagram stories that feature your new SO, it doesn’t mean you’re feuding: it’s a sad example of how you’re better off. We try not to relish too much in the unrequited jealousy of our rivals, but it’s difficult when they make it so goddamn

obvious. Interesting to note: each edition of The Grape features a group nude centerfold. The Review doesn’t. Also interesting to note: It’s difficult to find a copy of The Grape a few days after its’ publication (all snatched up!), while The Review piles up on nearly every street corner in Oberlin for weeks after its release -- but hey, at least they’re keeping the local recycling industry in business! We’re not scientists here at The Grape, and would do well not to dabble in concepts above our (low) paygrade, like “correlation” and “causation.” Plus: unlike some of our rival publications, we choose not to openly condescend to our readers. We believe that Oberlin is full of bright, discerning students that can probably do the math on their own ;). Ok, we’ll help you out: it’s boobs. Now read read The Grape babies!! Love, Ian and Sophie

Meet Almost Half of The Grape Staff! Look at us.

EMERY WEBSTER | PHOTO EDITOR

Ian Feather (he/him) Editor-in-Chief

Sophie Jones (they/them) Editor-in-Chief

PJ McCormick (he/him)

Leora Swerdlow (she/her)

Sam Schuman (he/him)

Jason Hewitt (he/him)

Arts & Culture Editor

Staff Writer

Layout Editor - Bad Habits

Staff Writer

Charlie R-J (he/him) Managing Editor

Devin McMahon (she/hers)

Nico Vickers (she/her) Layout Editor - Opinions

Grace Kirk (she/her) Layout Editor- Arts & Culture

Zoe Jasper (she/her) Staff Writer

Features Editor

Nell Beck (she/her) Copy Editor

Not Pictured: Emery Webster (they/them) Photo Editor Natalie Hawthorne (she/her) Layout Editor - Features Ruby Anderson (she/her) Beloved Outgoing Bad Habits Editor Eleanor Cunningham (she/her) Copy Editor Leah Yassky (she/her) Web Editor Molly Bryson (she/her) Beloved Outgoing Opinions Editor Ben Richman (he/him) Incoming Opinions Editor Olivia Hacker-Keating (she/her) Copy Editor

We love you guys !! 3

National Report Names Cleveland Best City for Citizenship Application The Reality Is Not So Simple BY JUNA KEEHN STAFF WRITER

This week, Boundless Immigration, a Seattle-based organization that helps people navigate the naturalization process, released data ranking Cleveland as the best place in the United States to become a citizen. However, for those people who have kept an eye on immigration news in the area, these findings may ring an alarm. Northeast Ohio may be the best place to apply for citizenship in the U.S., but it is also the site of some of the most aggressive I.C.E. raids in the last decade. This June, I.C.E. agents carried out two of the largest raids in recent memory, arresting 114 people in Sandusky and 146 workers at the FreshMark Meat processing plant around Salem. These two conflicting pictures are not directly linked, but help demonstrate that migration is a sprawling, complicated pathway, offering context to what it means for Cleveland to be the “best” place to naturalize. Boundless Immigration’s data revealed that the Cleveland United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) office is the number one location in the country to apply for citizenship based on three factors: a small backlog of applicants, short wait time, and little travel. An applicant in Cleveland waits only four months to get their application processed (short in comparison to cities like St. Paul, Minnesota, with waitlists of up to two years), and can go to an office in their own city. Of course, missing work for check-ins and transportation within a city can add up, but that doesn’t compare to the almost 150 mile trek that people in high traffic places like Santa Barbara, California or Laredo, Texas face to get to their closest USCIS office. In the face of the often daunting American naturalization process, Northeast Ohio is a relatively good place to be -- at least in terms of wait time and location. But these three factors clearly aren’t the only things that affect the ease of applying for citizenship. Support for the test itself, including citizenship and ESL classes, also play an important role. There are a lot of potential challenges, including that the test is in English, requires fees to file, and has 100 possible questions about United States history and government. Several Cleveland area nonprofits, including Asian Services in Action, Inc., have recently received a grant from the USCIS to provide assistance with applying for citizenship and studying for the test, according to Camille Gill, a lawyer at Catholic Charities in Cleveland. There are also Citizenship classes offered in Cleveland at the public library,

CHART BY JUNA KHEEN Catholic Charities, and the Hope Center, to name a few. Closer to home, in the city of Lorain, the El Centro Volunteer Initiative (ECVI) offers some of those crucial resources. ECVI is an Oberlin student organization that provides citizenship as well as English communication classes at El Centro de Servicios Sociales. Jesus Martinez, an organizer with ECVI, reminds us, “There are privileges that come with citizenship and people deserve to have access to education for the test.”

The fact that Cleveland has the best USCIS office in the country is remarkable. But for a test that is in many ways built on exclusion and prohibiting access, community support is an equally important part of naturalization.

World War I and Oberlin Student-soldiers, Victory gardens and Oberlin’s role in the American war effort BY SAM SCHUMAN STAFF WRITER 2019 marks the centennial of the Paris Peace Conference and the Treaty of Versailles that ended World War I, the global conflict that spanned dozens of countries from 1914 to 1918 and left more than 15 million dead. Even though the war was fought an ocean away, Oberlin students and residents played myriad roles in the conflict, donating funds, time, and sometimes even their lives. In July of 1918, Oberlin accepted a Student Army Training Corps (SATC) unit, part of a United States War Department (now Defense Department) initiative whose stated goal was to “utilize the executive and teaching personnel and the physical equipment of the educational institutions to assist in the training of our new armies.” The program was intended in particular to produce officer candidates and technical experts, and was implemented at about 600 colleges nationwide. Roughly 300 Oberlin students volunteered. The Student Army Training Corps converted Wilder Hall, then a men’s dormitory, into a barracks, and during the 1918 fall semester some academic coursework was replaced with physical conditioning and military drills. Some students mocked the group by creating new acronyms including “Sad Tales and Cussings” and “Standing at the Call (of Uncle Sam)”. When the War Department told the College that racially integrated barracks and training were forbidden, students also began irately claiming the acronym stood for “Sad Attempt to Cooperate.” Because an armistice agreement was reached in Europe in November of 1918, no Oberlin SATC members saw combat. For some Obies, the notion of Oberlin training a military unit runs antithetical to the institution’s history. “That was clearly a different time,” said second-year Politics major Carson Dowhan. “It goes against everything Oberlin represents.” For fourth-year Will Jacobsen, “it’s not particularly surprising given Oberlin’s dubious commitment to its progressive ideals and history of imperialism. We still have a monument to Christian missionaries in the middle of Tappan after all. World War 1 was very popular in the US with very few Congress members voting against Wilson’s declaration, so it’s not surprising that Oberlin would volunteer itself for the war effort… what is surprising is the fact that no one on campus talks about its repurposing during the war.” Second-year Olly DeStefano was likewise unsurprised by Oberlin’s role in the war. “I don’t think it goes against Oberlin’s ideology at all. I think it goes against what people would like Oberlin’s ideology to be,” said DeStefano. “I think that it was probably viewed as an element of social service, a liberal idea of duty to country that’s different from our contemporary conception of patriotism...it doesn’t really surprise me or change the way I look at Oberlin.” The war didn’t only affect men’s education. Women also took special courses, learning how to cook using rice flour and other substitutes for rationed home goods. In the Summer of 1918, some women in the graduating class left Oberlin for Vassar College, which had set up a nurses training camp. Others began to take over traditionally male roles as men in the College began to enlist, such as waiting tables and working in factories. In addition to new practical courses, Oberlin College halted all German instruction during the war. Oberlin resident

and student Mildred Haines described this to the Oberlin Oral History Project, “[Oberlin’s] German teacher was Miss Abbott. And then when the World War came along…and German was put out of the college, Miss Abbot taught Italian.” Some Oberlin students who did not want to take up arms directly volunteered for the Ambulance Service Corps; four dozen Oberlin students served in the Oberlin Ambulance Unit during the war. All told, as many as 1,500 at-the-time current and former Oberlin students served in WWI, although it is unclear how many saw combat.

The War in Town One of the first events that galvanized Oberlin students and residents was the German invasion of neutral Belgium in August of 1914. Thousands of civilians were massacred, and over 230,000 books and historical artifacts were destroyed in the city of Louvain. Stories of German atrocities mobilized the Oberlin Red Cross chapter to collect funds and supplies for Belgian refugees. Oberlin volunteers continued to send war relief to civilians and allied soldiers overseas for the duration of the war, which in 1917 resulted in an incredible coincidence: the town received a letter from a French Lutheran pastor named Henri Roser who had received some of Oberlin’s war relief materials. In his letter, Roser claimed to be a fourth-generation descendants of John Frederick Oberlin, after whom Oberlin College is named. In 1915, Jaimes Blaine Miller, Class of 1903, was a passenger on board the Lusitania, a British passenger ship, when it was famously sunk by German U-Boats. Miller was one of more than 100 Americans onboard who died, and the incident is widely considered one of the first steps towards America’s entry into the war. After the US entered the war in 1917, Oberlin residents were encouraged to reduce their food consumption as part of the war effort, and many began to maintain “war gardens” to grow their own food. One war garden, maintained by 94 yearold Oberlin resident Rachel Edwards, was so well-kept that an image of it originally published in the Cleveland Plains Dealer was distributed nationally as part of a book called The War Garden Victorious. Other Oberlinites, of course, served the war effort directly by enlisting in the military. Ultimately, eleven Oberlin residents would die as a result of the war; however, only four were killed in action—the rest died of disease and accidents while abroad.

The King-Crane Commission Oberlin’s role in the First World War didn’t end on Armistice Day. In 1919, Oberlin College president Henry Churchill King was asked by his friend Woodrow Wilson to join the Inter-Allied Commission on Mandates in Turkey, which would soon become known as the King-Crane Commission. King, along with Chicago businessman Charles Crane, spent the summer of 1919 traveling throughout the former Ottoman Empire, including Syria, Palestine, and Iraq. The commission’s goal was to gauge local attitudes towards selfrule and post-war settlement. James Zogby, founder and president of the Arab American Institute, called the Commis-

IMAGE FROM OBERLIN ARCHIVES

The 1920 “Hi-O-Hi” Oberlin yearbook contained a 32-name list of “Oberlin’s Roll of Honored Dead. About 1,500 Oberlin students and graduates served in some capacity in World War I. sion “the first-ever survey of Arab public opinion.” Ultimately, King and Crane recommended that America be given a mandate to occupy the former Ottoman states in order to help them eventually reach self-rule. When the report arrived at the Paris Peace Conference, however, it was brushed off. “They did finish and submit the report, but nobody cared for that report,” said Oberlin Professor Zeinab Abul-Magd, who specializes in Middle Eastern history. Eventually it was ignored, because the British and the French did what they initially wanted to do, which was colonize [and] impose mandate systems over Syria, Palestine and Iraq.” Many of the Commission’s documents, as well as records of King’s correspondence during the time, are held in the Oberlin College Archives, located in the Mary Church Terrell Main Library. “We were there,” said Professor Abul-Magd. “Oberlin was there.”

Bezo’s Balls: Bigger Than We Think? BY SOPHIE JONES | CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

IMAGE COURTESY OF GEEKWIRE

Nowadays, it seems we all hate Amazon. We promise to cancel our accounts once our fourth and fifth student Prime deals (@etools.oberlin.edu? @obieapps.oberlin.edu?) finally expire. Hell, some of us even do it. Those of us who don’t sheepishly rush home from the mailroom with Amazon-branded boxes tucked under coats. Amazon hatred, or at least Amazon-related shame and/or self righteousness, is on the rise, and I couldn’t be happier. You see, I’m from a little town where Amazon animosity has been fomenting for nearly a decade. Ah yes, we Seattleites have been loathing Jeff Bezos—and, because his company owns 19% of all office space in the city, ourselves—since Kindles. We were insufferably complaining about Amazon before it started producing its own TV, before it began to buy up pharmaceutical companies, even before Alexa. Equal parts self-righteous and self hating, Seattleites grumbled as Amazon leveled and rebuilt entire neighborhoods, wooed our mayor and much of our city council, and contributed to a 65% average rent increase in over just five years. Some people were happy because they had real estate investments, owned bougie cafes in the right neighborhoods, or worked for Amazon themselves. Some people mobilized against the corporate behemoth’s influence and against the city’s increasing austerity measures in the face of a homelessness crisis; some people still are. A lot of people simply picked up and moved. I went home for the first time in nearly a year this fall, only to find two four-story glass balls had appeared smack in the middle of downtown. A culmination of Amazon’s $4 billion dollar campus, the “Spheres” are Amazon’s newest innovative workspace and most symbolic intrusion on the Seattle landscape yet. Bezos’ sticky little hands are all over the Emerald City, and now so are his goddamn balls. But before the crown jewels reached completion, Bezos announced he wanted to see other people. In 2017, in a move the Seattle Times called “the end of Amazon’s Monogamy with Seattle,” Bezos announced Amazon’s search for new headquarters. The HQ2 competition was a sickening display of public-private partnership pageantry, wherein cities across the country competed for the corporation’s attention with corny YouTube videos and secret tax incentive packages. The town of Stonecrest, Georgia and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo both offered to change the names of their respective cities to “Amazon” if chosen. That spring, Bezos suddenly got super ripped, which was unsettling and might have been a clue that perhaps the richest man on earth was exploring non-monogamy in other arenas, as well (but more on that later). Meanwhile, the citizens of Seattle watched the spectacle of HQ2 unfold as the Balls bulged into the skyline, clicking their tongues in disapproval while still staying true to the

city’s endemic passive aggression, unable to muster much more than a quiet “I told you so,” or a “look what happened to us.” The same cannot be said for community leaders from the likely candidate cities; already, New Yorkers, Philadelphians, Houstonians and others were mobilizing against Amazon’s potential arrival. Because of regional activists’ vocal resistance to HQ2, or perhaps because the competition was so garrishly neoliberal, Amazon began to garner more negative press and public sentiment in 2018 than ever before. And not just in Seattle! Bone chilling tales of labor and human rights abuses by Amazon that had been circulating for years suddenly became national news. Amazon Prime accounts were canceled en masse (or at least, more people claimed to have canceled them). Stories broke about the monstrous working conditions in Amazon warehouses, about the exporbanant environmental costs associated with one-day shipping, about Amazon’s $129 million federal tax rebate, about Bezos eating an iguana. Seattleites grinned knowingly at each other; could this be the beginning of the end? Indeed, by the time Amazon finally announced the two “winners” for HQ2— a suburb in Virginia, and Long Island City, New York—in November of last year, it seemed that the company’s well coiffed, underdog-book-seller-turned-righteous-and-humble-overlord reputation might be in jeopardy. People were pissed. Newspapers all over the country wrote about how shitty Seattle is. Ha! We told you so. And then came the “Alive Girl” texts. I remember exactly

where I was, what I was doing when The National Enquirer leaked Bezos and his mistress Lauren Sanchez’s steamy texts. You should, too because the release of Bezos’ sexts would prove to be—and I don’t think it’s too early in the year to make such a pronouncement—the most significant cultural moment of 2019. I first read Bezos’ Alexa-dictated sexts (“I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon”) when I was home for the holidays in Seattle. We, the residents of a city whose municipal government has been sucking Bezos’ dick for the last decade, suddenly got a glimpse of the real thing. And we had the The National Enquirer to thank! The rag that for years, and especially since the 2016 election, has been derided as a laughing stock of “journalism” had delivered what we Seattleites, hunkered down in the perpetual half-twilight of Pacific Northwest January, speculated might be a significant threat to Amazon’s already tenuous claim to moral legitimacy. And lo and behold; Bezos and Amazon were scrutinized and criticized heavily in the weeks after the leak, stories broke about Amazon stealing their drivers’ tips, about the ill health of their warehouse workers. Trudging through Seattle downpour, my fellow citizens and I traded secret smiles while bros with airpods averted their eyes in fear. How long before the behemoth would fall? Ha! We told you so. Then, Bezos spoke up. In a post on Medium on February 7th, Bezos accused David Pecker, Trump ally and CEO of American Media, Inc., the parent company of The National Enquirer, of “extortion and blackmail.”

Bezos’ post includes emails from AMI threatening to publish “below the belt selfies” if Bezos does not cease an investigation into the source of the original sext leak. Bezos speculates he is being targeted because of his ownership of The Washington Post; “it’s unavoidable that certain powerful people who experience Washington Post news coverage will wrongly conclude I am their enemy. President Trump is one of those people.” Bezos security and legal team later suggested that a “government entity” might be behind the leak, strengthening Bezos’ insinuation that The Enquirer was politically motivated. And while the leaks and subsequent threatening emails do constitute extortion (sexstortion?) and, coming from the notorious Enquirer, are likely politically-motivated, it is worth examining how Bezos has positioned himself in this controversy. What does Bezos stand to gain from publishing these emails himself? What might be the benefit of blaming a shadowy government agency for his humiliation, especially considering that most fingers point to Lauren Sanchez’s brother, not the FBI or NSA or Whitehouse, as the originator of the leak? In facing up to his scandal, Bezos does more than regain control of the “Alive Girl” narrative; he also obscures mounting critiques of his massive wealth, of his tax dodging, of his labor practices and disregard for human rights and environmental issues. Indeed, in the week since Bezos’ statement, he’s been hailed as a radical, as a hero of the free press, even as an “unlikely advocate in the fight against revenge porn.” In allying himself so closely with The Washington Post, and thus carefully positioning himself in opposition to fake news, The Enquirer, and Trump himself, Bezos comes out of this scandal as squeaky as his friendlier doppelganger, Mr. Clean. He becomes part of the #resistance. Seattle, a city with no income tax, has a tendency to welcome shitty people into their version of “the left”; in my hometown, even the most “fiscally conservative” family can Fuck Trump simply by posting an “In This House We Believe…” sign. “Alive Girl” is funny, the descriptions of Bezos’ “semi-erect manhood [...] penetrating the zipper [...] of tight black cargo shorts” are also funny, but they matter very little. Less funny but far more important are Bezos’ material impacts on the lives of his more than 500,000 employees worldwide, on the millions who live (or have been displaced from) Seattle and elsewhere. Following a year of unflattering press on these and other failings, Bezos’ statement on The Enquirer leak must be read in context; as a political move to position himself back in our good graces. He wrote that post to escape his reputation as the notorious, drone-loving, Iguana-eating, labor-exploiting, Alive-Girl-texting Jeff Bezos we’ve come to suspect (like Zuckerberg before him) might not be just a benevolent nerd in a soft-wash t-shirt. I believe it is unethical to weaponize sex (or sexts) between consensual adults for political gain. I believe, ultimately, the photos Bezos sent are his, his lover’s, and his (now ex-) wife’s business, and theirs alone. I think to demonize Bezos on the grounds of sex sets a dangerous precedent for the rest of

us. Fixating on the Bezos sexts clouds his immoral and exploitative practices in business and politics. What is disturbing here is not his weirdly buff body or whether or not he was wearing a wedding ring in his nudie mirror pic, but his wealth, his massive political power, his flagrant disregard for labor rights, his ability to get away with it all. I believe Bezos has a right to his privacy, and I believe The Enquirer’s actions were wrong and yes, considering their past willingness to squash stories of Trump’s affairs, probably politically motivated. Yet I struggle to muster a lot of sympathy for the richest human on earth. Not just because he is unspeakably wealthy and also basically evil, but because he and his company have been working for years to strip the rest of us of the same privacy he argues he’s entitled to. It’s deeply ironic that Bezos points to government surveillance as the culprit, given that a large part of his wealth is derived from working with ICE, the Pentagon, and the NSA to develop sophisticated surveillance weapons. In 2014, Amazon won a $600 million deal with the CIA. In 2017, Amazon released its Orwellian crowd face-recognition software “Rekognition” for use by police and governments. Bezos’ other company, Blue Origin, works with the US Air Force to develop spy satellites. While I certainly would not be surprised if the NSA, FBI, or other state intelligence agency were abusing their power (as they routinely do, with the help of Amazon technology) to spy on a citizen (even a very rich one), there is not evidence that this is the case. Bezos’ Medium post appeared just before Amazon killed its New York headquarters plan, a victory owed to strategic, local community organizing that deliberately called attention to Amazon’s impacts beyond Long Island, in other cities, countries, and at the border. But the decision to pull out of New York can perhaps also be understood as yet another PR move for the beleaguered Amazon, hoping to save its image. Bezos is a smart guy. Amazon’s primary building in Seattle is called “Day 1,” named for Bezos’ philosophy that “Day 2 is stasis. Followed by irrelevance. Followed by excruciating, painful decline. Followed by death. And that is why it is always Day 1 at Amazon.” Bezos and his empire are always consciously reinventing, adapting, repositioning. It’s important to keep this in mind as he tries to squirm his way out of critical press coverage, both for his weird sexts and, more significantly, for his deplorable business practices and associations. As this story continues to unfold, we may have the opportunity to see Bezos’ balls—the real ones, I mean. Whether or not we choose to look, it’s more essential that we keep scrutinizing his actions as well as his attempts to rebrand them. I envy New Yorkers’ persistence in refusing to accept Amazon as their new overlords; we should all be so angry, so vigilant. In the meantime, we should probably actually cancel our Prime accoun

“WHAT IS DISTURBING HERE IS NOT [BEZO’S] WEIRDLY

BUFF BODY OR WHETHER

OR NOT HE WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING IN HIS

NUDIE MIRROR PIC, BUT HIS

WEALTH, HIS MASSIVE POLITICAL POWER, HIS FLAGRANT DISREGARD FOR LABOR

RIGHTS, HIS ABILITY TO GET AWAY WITH IT ALL.”

How NOT to Deal With the Cold

BY JASON HEWITT | STAFF WRITER

Let me start this off with one of the biggest understatements you will read this year: The Ohio winter is no joke. There’s nothing but freezing air and grey skies to look forward to every single time you walk outside. Along with that, you have the usual snow, sleet, and freezing rain. All of it is trash to deal with, especially when you’re going to class. It is what it is, though. We chose to go to this school, so we have to deal with the disappointing weather that comes with it. I’m not just here to complain about the weather, though. I’m here because some of my fellow Obies have lost their damn minds. Allow me to teach some of you how NOT to deal with the cold. Here’s my first teaching point: If I see you wearing a t-shirt in twenty degree weather, I’m just going to assume that you’re either a masochist or somebody who’s going through some rough shit. There’s no need to prove to anybody that you can “handle” the cold. That’s just asinine. This isn’t California where you can wear a t-shirt and shorts year round. The weather isn’t “testing” your toughness. The second teaching point is that it should be a complete violation of the law to wear shorts in weather that is below the fifty-to-sixty degree range. I just need somebody to ask me why I saw somebody wearing a t-shirt and SHORTS just chilling in Tappan Square. It was literally eighteen degrees outside. Like, why? Why do you have to do this to yourself? If you’re an athlete who’s just walking back from a workout or practice, then I somewhat understand. I’m an athlete myself. I get it. You don’t want to go through the trouble of finding new pants to wear. However, it takes ten seconds at most to throw some sweatpants on. Love yourselves. For the folks who just aren’t used to the cold weather, please do better. Nobody is going to give you shit for wearing too much in the cold. You should be appropriately dressed for practice anyway. (Cough, my football teammates who don’t like wearing long sleeves during our practices, cough.)

“AS FUNNY AS THIS MAY SEEM, IT IS A GENUINE CONCERN OF MINE.” My third teaching point: the bare feet... outside… in PUBLIC. That’s gotta go. We really have people out here looking like Frodo Baggins after making it to Mordor. It’s completely unacceptable and appalling to know that we have students whose feet look as crusty as the ground they are walking on. I don’t know what they are going through, but they have to get it together. Nobody wants to see those frostbitten toes. As funny as this may seem, it is a genuine concern of mine. We have to do a better job of staying warm in the cold. In other words, we have to do a better job of not looking stupid. We haven’t even reached the third week of the semester yet, and I’ve seen more atrocious outfits for the cold than I can count on both hands. And that’s not even to mention all of the Obies who stand outside of parties when it’s less than forty degrees outside, the ones who act like it’s perfectly fine to chill in cold weather for the “aesthetic” of it all. Well, they can enjoy freezing while the rest of us can stay warm. As a whole, we need to do better as Obies. We are better than this. We have to find a way to not look like idiots in the cold. It’s embarrassing.

...And we all stayed the same Part 1: The Oppressed Chad

“...And we all stayed the same” is a new series that uses archived Grape articles from the last twenty years to feature how certain beloved or despised parts of the ‘Oberlin experience’ might not be as new as we think. Is there a facet of your Oberlin experience you think might be timeless? Let me know and I’ll do some research in ye old Burton basement! Just shoot an email to ifeather@oberlin.edu BY IAN FEATHER

CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Surprise surprise, annoying shitheads like the auhor of this 1999 gem are not a new feature on campus. Our dear author didn’t use nowpopular (and highly-effective!) phrases such as “snowflakes” or “white genocide” in his attempt to Own the Libs, but it’s not hard to see the similarities between this editorial masterpiece and what the Oberlin College Republicans and Libertarians probably complain about as they hunt poor people for fun. The real tragedy here is that this piece was ever published, and it’s with a very heavy heart that I must report that the author was listed as being a member of The Grape’s staff at the time.

Look Who’s Talking: Nick Kroll’s Big Mouth

BY EMMA KANG | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

IMAGE COURTESY OF NETFLIX For those of you who don’t know, Big Mouth is an animated Netflix hit that follows the ups and downs of middle schoolers battling their way through puberty. It features a few main characters— Nick, Andrew, Jessi, Jay, and Missy— going about their young budding lives as they are mentored by their Hormone Monsters. The Hormone Monsters are giant fuzzy creatures that guide kids through their big changes. They give good advice, bad advice, make them laugh, and make them cry. The show really stays topical by exploring issues like sexuality, periods, pubes, sexual assault, masturbation, porn, mental health, and, most importantly, young love. A new episode was released early this February that hits the stress and “bullshit love cliché” of Valentine’s Day right on the head by exploring the way these pre-teens handle their hormones and emotions overwhelming their tiny bodies through their relationships and love lives. Big Mouth is known for being super progressive and “woke.” It uses raunchy humor that can be honestly just gross or a little too much, but in a way that makes you think about gender inequality, bodily changes, and toxic masculinity— and all while watching a silly cartoon! “Big Mouth is arguably a filthier show [than South Park], with even cruder jokes and an obsession with sex that’s more relentless,” says Glen Weldon of NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour. Even though Big Mouth is overall a pretty conscientious show, I think there is a pretty blatant issue that no one really seems to care about. White-man Nick Kroll, co-creator and cast

member of Big Mouth, is voicing a lot of characters that he should not be. Starting with Lola. Lola is a supporting yet vital character in the show. She’s a little blonde 12-year-old who desperately wants to be everything associated with being popular: hyper-femme, pretty, well known, and liked by everyone. The gag about her character is that she isn’t the hyper-femme-pretty-girl who she wants to be. One of the ways that she isn’t, is that she’s voiced by Nick Kroll. He gives her a voice that is harsh and loud, which is supposed to make her “unfeminine.” Literally the entire joke is that she wants to be super-girly yet has a deep man’s voice. Are the writers really going to say that having a deep voice makes someone less feminine? Is that actually funny? Could they really not have chosen a better avenue for this? The issue isn’t that a man is voicing her character, it’s that the joke is that a man is voicing her character. They easily could have chosen a different voice actor or actress, or gone with a different direction in exploring this concept. They could have decided to more clearly address the issue of grappling with femininity rather than making a loud joke. It would still be funny. It would better resonate with people who do struggle with femininity and feeling as though they’re failing at it, rather than turning it into mockery. Nick Kroll also voices the ladybug that is seen in several of the episodes to add comedic relief. The ladybug has a pretty blatant “blaccent.” A “blaccent” is defined by Urban

Dictionary as “The act of a person of another race speaking with an accent they believe black people speak with.” Why does the ladybug need a blaccent? Is that actually funny? I think they wanted the ladybug to be “sassy,” and they thought the best way to do that was to give him a blaccent. Nick Kroll (white) should not be voicing a character whose entire bit is having a blaccent. Seems both racist and stupid. Nick Kroll also voices a character named “Abuela” who I do not remember from the show but I saw on IMDB. This also seems wrong. I can only imagine the kind of stereotypes Kroll employs with this one. I think that “Big Mouth” should stop relying on cheap humor and put more effort into making real jokes. Some of their stuff is actually funny and they should keep paying that writer. The producers of this show should take on the responsibility that they have. Nick Kroll should stop voicing characters he has no business voicing, and women and POC should play the parts that are going to him instead. If they’re going to make a point about a character, they should be doing it blatantly rather than making it into a weirdly veiled joke.

“WHITE-MAN NICK KROLL, CO-CREATOR AND CAST MEMBER OF BIG MOUTH, IS VOICING A LOT OF CHARACTERS THAT HE SHOULD NOT BE.” 9

Season 3 of High Maintenance Retains the Show’s Unique Intimacy BY NELL BECK | COPY EDITOR Both literally and figuratively, High Maintenance strips people down. The first episode of the third season, which was released on January 17, opens with a naked old man transporting a pot of boiling water through his dark house. We keep our fingers crossed that he doesn’t spill it all over himself as the walk stretches on, but he makes it to the bathtub. Slowly, he lowers himself into the water, lights a joint, and, in a slow build of white light, dies. We are invited to his wake, where a large group of his misfit friends play bad music together. We watch as one of his closest companions sits, fully clothed, in the tub in which he died. She hallucinates that he is watching her from the doorway. This happens slowly, without explanation or analysis; we are supposed to contemplate her grief rather than understand it. Ultimately, High Maintenance manages to expose people without the judgment that might come with it. First launched as a web series in 2012 and picked up by

HBO in 2016, the series has become a cult-favorite. Each episode tells a new story of someone living in Brooklyn, from nudists to high-strung parents to an agoraphobic. One of my favorite episodes, “Grandpa,” is told from the perspective of a dog. The one thing that connects all of these characters is their shared weed-dealer. (Except the dog, he doesn’t buy drugs.) The character’s shared dealer is known only as The Guy and is played by Ben Sinclair, OC ‘06. The Guy delivers to his clients in their homes; we are pulled into whatever happens after he leaves. High Maintenance was created by Sinclair and Katja Blichfeld, who had previously worked as an Emmy award-winning casting director for 30 Rock. The two were once married, but made the decision to get divorced on election night of 2016. In a 2018 profile by The Cut, Blichfeld discusses the breakup, which was partly prompted by her realization that she wanted to be with women. Blichfeld had dated women before, but she had also been raised as an Evangelical Christian, and struggled with accepting her sexual orientation. The Cut writes, “Sinclair, though upset, was not surprised. (‘I mean, he went to Oberlin,’ [Blichfeld] says.)” Much of the show’s fundamental intimacy is borne from Sinclair and Blichfeld incorporating their personal experience into the series. This is especially evident in season one, which explores a lot of fractured relationships. In “Meth(od),” two best friends, who are also pretty terrible people, come close to losing each other; in “Museebat,” a woman tries to prepare a 50th birthday party for her husband, but they’ve been fighting nonstop. Later in the season, we learn that The Guy lives down the hall from his ex-wife, Julia, who is now dating a woman. After The PHOTO BY NELL BECK Guy gets in a bike accident in sea-

“THEY TRANSLATE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THEIR REAL LIVES INTO THEIR WORK, MAKING IT FEEL PARTICULARLY AUTHENTIC.” son two’s “Scromple,” Julia keeps him company. This type of transparency is part of what makes the show so unique. Sinclair and Blichfeld don’t seem to be holding much back from the audience; they translate what is happening in their real lives into their work, making it feel particularly authentic. Vulnerability is a large part of the show. This comes, of course, from the basic premise: the relationship between a weed dealer and his clients is one based in secrecy and trust. The Guy is a neutral figure, sometimes developing friendships with his clients but mostly participating as a professional, silent presence. His impartiality opens up room for people to feel comfortable telling The Guy whatever is on their mind, often leading to oversharing that The Guy allows but doesn’t reciprocate. From there, the stories are based on a trust between viewer and character; we, as the audience, take on the neutral position of The Guy after he leaves. We watch these people at their most strange and private. As a result, High Maintenance is highly non-judgemental and inclusive, and shows us that people are often much more complicated than they seem. In “Derech,” Anja is an invasive journalist who sneaks her way into a support group for former Orthodox Jews for a Vice story. But rather than this being a story of exploitation, it turns into something else when the plot line gets tangled up in another involving drag queens and a near-death situation. We are reminded that we never know what will happen until it’s actually happening. So far, season three still holds onto many of the things that make it so great. The episodes are insightful, unassuming, tinged with humor and absurdity. Things are a little different, though; The Guy, fresh off of a breakup from the previous season, now drives around in his van rather than on his bike, and takes frequent trips upstate. In the first episode, we see him driving down wooded roads and paddleboarding down a secluded river. He meets a woman and we realize that he is trying to figure his own stuff out. He’s in his thirties now - is he going to deal weed forever? The third season is trying on a different kind of intimacy, then, because we still don’t actually know the main character. Just as he flits between clients, The Guy has also been eluding the audience. Now, though, we are being let in.

Oberlin’s Tiny Ref Desk Concerts Continue in 2019 BYJOSH SPIELMAN | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

At noon on Valentine’s Day, students from Oberlin’s Black Musicians Guild (OCBMG) stood close together behind a desk at the Conservatory library. After librarian Kathy Abromeit welcomed attendees to this year’s “Tiny Ref Desk Concert,” the 8-musician ensemble launched into a set of five AfricanAmerican spirituals performed acapella. This was the second ever Tiny Ref Desk Concert, organized by Kathy Abromeit and inspired by NPR’s popular Tiny Desk Concert series. For those unfamiliar, NPR’s series consists of up-and-coming and popular musicians performing short, intimate sets at a staffer’s cluttered desk during an otherwise normal workday in NPR’s D.C. office. Before she turned the figurative spotlight over to the musicians, Abromeit, beaming, briefly spoke about her enthusiasm for spirituals. It’s easy to see why: the ensemble performed infectiously bubbly, upbeat songs with jazzy harmonies, and slower, richly emotional downtempo interludes. For Seyquan Mack, chairman (and self-proclaimed “head bitch”) of OCBMG and third year double-degree student, these spirituals are more than melodies. Mack, who cut his teeth singing spirituals in high school, told The Grape that he

“[thinks] about the experiences of the people … who came before” when he’s performing these works. The spirituals, which touched on themes of enslavement, struggle, liberation, and Christian faith reflect the importance of these themes in African-American history. Both Mack and DaQuan Williams, a third-year in the Musical Studies program, discussed the importance of constant change and adaptation in spirituals. “A lot of the aesthetic is improvisation and improving on the past,” said Mack. Improvisation is integral to both “folk spirituals,” which, according to Williams, originated with slaves and are transmitted orally, and to “arranged spirituals,” the category of spirituals which OCBMG performed on Thursday, which are inscribed on paper using the Western system of notation. The fusion of a “black aesthetic [with a] Western art form” makes spirituals distinct forms, said Mack. The concert was part of “Liberation is This,” a series of

events celebrating Black History Month at Oberlin this year. Fortunately for those who missed it, it wasn’t the only opportunity to see OCBMG members perform this February. There will also be a performance during the intermission at “Black by Popular Demand: The BHM Fashion Show.” In addition, Abromeit teased three more upcoming Ref Desk concerts, one for each forthcoming month this semester. March will bring a “flamenco fest,” April a “bass bash,” and May will feature a performance capping off the work of the current class on “tonality in early music.” Williams also encourages students to attend the educational lectures during Black History Month, which will shed light on many African-American historical figures, including those in the music and music journalism industries, who are all too frequently unacknowledged.

“...IT WASN’T THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO SEE OCBMG MEMBERS PERFORM THIS FEBRUARY.”

ART BY EMMA KANG

When I (a Teacher) Kissed (Another) Teacher: Oberlin Professors on Love

BY ZOE JASPER | STAFF WRITER

Welcome to this very new and exciting column, where the couples of Oberlin’s faculty share their sage wisdom on love. If you enjoy reading about professors in love as much as I enjoy writing about professors in love, email zjasper@oberlin. edu with who you’d like to see interviewed in the future. To start us off for the semester, I had the pleasure of talking with Charmaine Chua and Chase Hobbs-Morgan from the Politics Department. So how did you folks meet and how long have you been together? Chase Hobbs-Morgan: We met through grad school. Charmaine Chua: We went to orientation and were forced to go to math camp. They taught us how to calculate the statistic probability that we’d be in the same building as Osama Bin Laden. And we looked at each other like, what the fuck. According to Chase’s account, I was wearing Converse One Stars without socks and he was like, “That person seems cool.” We were just really good friends for a long time and had an intellectual connection because we were the only ones in our cohort doing political theory. We stayed friends for four years and both of us went through long term relationships and breakups. Then we hooked up one night and were together from then on. CHM: You can’t make things happen. In my experience never try to force dating. We’ve both been on a lot of awkward OKCupid dates. CC: We actually broke up and got back together. Then Trump got elected and we were out on the streets protesting

a lot. One day, because I was scared about my immigration status, I asked Chase to marry me, and he was like, “Yeah.” So it was in part from the horrors of the administration. It was like our wedding was the one good thing to come out of Trump being elected. What is it like working with your partner? CHM: We were prepared for that because we were already working together as grad students. We actually shared an office. It definitely would have been a stranger transition if not for that. So in short, it’s good! CC: As academics you have this kind of unique companionship in a lot of ways, and you’re in conversation on everything from Star Trek to the mu-

PHOTO BY CHARMAINE CHUA

PHOTO BY EMMA KANG

sic we like to Spinoza. We’ve been lucky to have that kind of companionship. We already knew what each other were like and had a strong friendship, so working together doesn’t feel overbearing. CHM: Also, academic work is quite individual. Even though we’re in the same department, we do our work individually in our offices and teach different classes. What were your worst Valentine’s Days? CHM: Probably just the trepidation of valentines getting passed around in elementary school. In middle school you could pay a dollar to get a carnation or something. It was very nerve-wracking. I didn’t like that. So much playing favorites. Super awkward. CC: I went on one Valentine’s Day date in a super tight leather skirt and it almost ripped in the snow. My date and I got our picture taken by the Twin City newspaper and then he broke up with me a week later. Valentine’s Day is a dumb social construct but we still celebrate it. CMH: Like most dumb social constructs. What do you think is the hardest or worst part about the college dating scene? CHM: I think the worst part is the lack of understanding of basic consent. In terms of personal experience, I didn’t casually date very much. I had longer term things in college. The worst part is that I was boring. CC: Thinking back the worst part is how much your self worth is tied to who you date. And at a small liberal arts school, the toxicity and claustrophobia becomes part of it. I went to Vassar and everyone knew everything about who was dating and breaking up. It wasn’t just the difficulties of that, it was also the way that it’s tied into how you feel about yourself. I got into a pretty serious relationship starting sophomore year and when it ended I wished I’d fucked around more. If you take yourself too seriously you lose the opportunity to experiment with who you love and how you love. And how long or short you love. It’s quite possible to

share intimate moments with someone that can end the next day. I regret not getting drunk and hooking up more. CHM: A bigger way of thinking about the problem of dat ing in college is it seems like self confidence and self worth are poorly distributed. Some people have way too much and some have not nearly enough of it. One person feels tortured because they have feelings for someone and maybe the other feels the exact same way but they would never know. I hadn’t figured out who I was in college. It’s kind of unfortunate that you’re in this situation where dating should theoretically be very fun and liberating. CC: I think this is also unevenly distributed, but some people are afraid to love openly and freely because of fear of rejection. Don’t be too attached and don’t be afraid to love openly. Don’t hold back cause you’re scared. If you could give one piece of relationship advice to Oberlin students, what would it be? CC: I think mine would be that intimacy takes a lot of work. Even if you end up with a partner who you deeply love you’re still going to need fulfilment from other sources. It’s good to remember that how and who you love outside your relationship is just as important. My favorite Valentine’s Day quote is from Gayatri Spivak: “What deserves the name of

love is an effort - over which one has no control yet at which one must not strain… The necessary collective efforts are to change laws, relations of production, systems of education, and health care. But without the mind changing one-on-one responsible contact, nothing will stick.” It’s deeply theoretical, and I love it ‘cause it identifies love as not just a feeling but also as a structure. You have to change the distribution of resources like healthcare and education that make people feel safe. But the base of it is one-on-one mind changing contact and intimacy. CHM: It’s a very particular skill or practice to make choices with somebody. And that’s something to develop. We often think, “How do I make the right choice for my partner given what I know about my partner’s desires?” It’s actually a separate process of making a collective choice. And that can mean between partners or a group or whatever. That’s something I could have thought about more. CC: You always have to make choices as an individual, but also have to find the right balance between your own happiness and what your partner wants. The language used to describe this is often like a cost benefit analysis, but making choices together is much deeper than that. It involves picturing your life together and what sacrifices it requires you to

make. We’re learning life is really long, and if you’re committed to somebody, it’ll constantly require making choices. CHM: I guess that’s not great for college student advice. For when you’re not in that kind of relationship; I wish I’d gotten better at listening to the little voice in my head about different people and relationships. So many times you look back and say, “That wasn’t a good idea and I knew that it wasn’t a good idea all along.” Actually practice listening to that voice in real time and not after the fact. I guess going back to the very beginning, so often it feels hopeless until it isn’t. There are moments where it’s like, I’m never gonna date anybody again. And then it changes. CC: There are a lot of people in the world you can love and it doesn’t feel that way when you’re in something that’s ending. Also, like, fuck Valentine’s Day and what it represents. Beyond regular critiques of capitalist consumption, the idea that to be in love is to have a date who you’re enamored with and want to eat a fancy dinner with. I remember we had a Valentine’s Day dinner and saw someone having a nice meal alone at the bar, and as we were leaving I secretly bought her a drink. Why did I feel like that was the move? Did I pity her? It’s actually fucking fantastic that she was alone on Valentine’s Day. We shouldn’t hang our hat on the desire to find the right partner.

LDR BF @ OB: A First-Year Introduces Sweet Joe to her College Lifestyle BY JULIA MCCORMICK (AND SWEET JOE) | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

ART BY PRIYA BANERJEE “This is where you live?” is what Sweet Joe asked my friend Natasha as we walked into Wilder via the West Lorain entrance. Both Natasha and I laughed a little harder than we should’ve, considering we were laughing at my LDB’s (long-distance boyfriend) expense, when he truly doesn’t know anything about campus. He said a lot of stupid things

this weekend, and I’m here to share them, further at his expense. I will be writing down some activities we did, followed by Joe’s notes on our activities. Sweet Joe is the sweetest boy you will meet, greeting everyone with a nervous smile and a nod. I think this is just great; it’s why I chose him as a boyfriend, after all. As a disclaimer: although I will be making just so much fun of ART BY PRIYA BANERJEE him, to a point where I am unsure whether I’ll ever let him see this, I promise I like him a lot, and I think you would like him too, but not as much as me because that’s not allowed. Friday Stevie Dining — “Chose creamy pesto sauce with bowties, made my tummy feel funny” Mid-day car ride — “Was close up to Peej” Visit to PJ’s apartment — “Dope that PJ lives on his own, has pet” Napped — “Disorienting” Visited Keep — “Peach Schnapps :/” Dorm Party — “Felt nauseous had to take tums” Saturday Stevie Dining — “Mac and cheese had meat chunks” Visited Beads Paradise II — “Mother and daughter owned, they were lovely <3 <3” Waxahatchee Show — “Beautiful Fairchild Chapel, Waxahatchee was funny and sweet” Smoked out of an apple bong — “Was funny, like middle school but now like college” Rewatched “Little Miss Sunshine” — “Not timeless” Sunday It snowed — “<3 snow collected so fast” Oberlin Kitchen — “Home FRIES !! Cute waitress”

ART BY PRIYA BANERJEE Visited Wilder — “Every bathroom is public, for all!” Visited Mudd — “Awesome and colorful, a lot of Oberlin looks like Mad Men” Stevie — “Really sweet and made me smile, ate awesome lasagna that made me feel really good” And thus concludes my weekend with Sweet Joe. As we were both leaving -- me for class and Joe for home -- he said some other funny things regarding his confusion with the Lyft app and the lack of drivers in the area, but I wasn’t listening. It was 9am. Such is the way with my LDB, he says cute and stupid things and then he is gone. Goodbye Joe, your candid and uncomplicated observations on my life here will be greatly missed.

My Bad Habit? Overcommitment! BY RUBY ANDERSON | FORMER BAD HABITS EDTIOR In high school, I would smoke weed with the desperation and expediency that could only be found in the heart of a 16 year old nationally ranked debate champion and closeted homosexual. I have vivid memories of returning from Avenue Q rehearsal, dressed in my all-black puppeteer’s outfit, and immediately running up the stairs to my room. I’d choreographed my routine and got smoking weed in my parent’s house down to an art: first, I’d burn incense. While the smell of Sour Apple filled the room, I’d roll up a towel and put in under the door, then turn my window fan on ‘suck’. I’d pack a bowl and smoke it as quickly as I could; blowing out the window and choking at every hit. This was one of my first bad habits: you heard it here first, folks. I, Ruby Anderson, used to be a certified stoner. A weed-head, a regular old pot- puffer! Sure, I’d had other Bad Habits before then: I was a scab-eater, a nose-picker, a tattle-tale, and a lying little lightskin nightmare. But it was love of dancing with the devil’s lettuce that truly had me head over heels for the first time in my life. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Adderall, and my impulsive pot-smoking was quickly transformed into

manic, amphetamine induced homeworkdoing. I traded my glass pipe for an impeccably organized Moleskine planner, my grinder for a constant supply of Advil to fend off the meth-headaches that Adderall is so well known for. Suddenly, it seemed as though my productivity knew no bounds. I could do it all! I was like Bradley Cooper’s character in Limitless, only dreamier, and with a better body.

SHE WANTS TO GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, TO GET DRUNK WITH HER FRIENDS AT THE FEVE, TO HAVE TIME TO WRITE A REALLY GOOD THESIS.

Thus began the balancing act of overachievement for which I am now so known. Every semester, it seems, I added on more: 5 more hours of work a week, a thesis, an editorial assistant position, a coop head cook shift, Good Talk, The Grape. The truth is this: mommy’s tired. She needs rest, she needs free time. She wants to get a good night’s sleep, to get drunk with her friends at the Feve, to have time to write a really good thesis. And, when she found herself putting showers into her Google Calendar at the beginning of this semester, it became clear: something had

to go. Some things had to go. I love editing Bad Habits, I really do. It’s not too often you get paid to make memes, or write about hot lesbian admissions officers. Being on The Grape strengthened my friendship with Editor-In-Chief Sophie Jones, and bore new friendships with other members of the Grape staff. And in the end, that’s really what kept me in this job for so long during a time when I had no time to give: the people who work at the Grape are some of the funniest, sharpest, and most passionate people I’ve ever worked with. I will miss them.

But, with my newfound free time, I hope to be more available and present in my social life. I want to be able to go to a yoga class on a whim, or make last minute plans to see the Oscar-nominated shorts at the Apollo. I’m sad to leave The Grape, but I know that it’s an important step in preserving my own sanity, and ensuring my happiness. So, in my final semester at Oberlin College, may I finally bid adieu to my Baddest Habit of all: overcommitment.

Grab-and-Go Sommelier BY BEN RICHMAN | FUTURE OPINIONS EDITOR Peanut Butter Honey and Banana Sandwich, Sunset Blush Franzia Rosé If you’re in a playful mood I suggest pairing the peanut butter honey and banana sandwich with Sunset Blush Franzia Rosé. Put your feet up on the first floor tables of Mudd and chow down on a sandwich reminiscent of something you might have made when you were high in highschool and your parents hadn’t been grocery shopping in a while. This sweet treat goes perfectly with an equally sweet rosé. The fruity finish makes chowing down on that yummy sammy (short for sandwich) even more delightful! The overwhelming sweetness of this combo should serve as a respite from your busy life. You deserve to treat yourself! Kick back and relax with a sandwich and a classy boxed wine.

As we now fully adjust to the changes in CDS (R.I.P. sandwich line), I propose that rather than groveling in what we have lost, we should instead make the best of what we have. So please join me on a culinary journey as I pair the muted flavors and creative combinations that make up our favorite Grab-and-Go classics with some of the world’s finest wines. I hope that these effervescent pairings will bring out the hidden subtleties within Bon Appetit™’s original and titillating creations. Caesar Salad Wrap, Folonari Pinot Grigio Allow me to take you on a journey to the Italian countryside. Ah! There is nothing quite like Tuscany in the summer. The quaint rustic villages, cradled by neverending hills of green, filled with the smell of olive oil and the laughter of local children. It was there that I met my lover Gionni, who made love to me beneath a cypress tree as the blazing Tuscan sun set, washing the sky in glorious shades of pink and red. Think of me and Gionni, bronzed and in love, as you pair the delectable sogginess of the chicken caesar salad wrap with a Folonari Pinot Grigio. This dry white wine brings out the spicy caesar-style mayo which adds notes of green apple, distracting from the sneaking suspicion that this wrap has been sitting in the fridge for weeks. This Italian wine is simple yet delectable, enhancing the refined flavors of the caesar wrap and creating a culinary experience that could overpower Caesar himself. Move out of the way, Brutus, you’ve got some

competition! Maybe if Caesar had suggested pairing his famous signature wrap with this medium-bodied white he might still be alive today! (But I’m not a historian.) Oh! and I forgot to mention the crouton crunch goes down easy with a large swig of white wine. Corned Beef and Cheese, Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon The New York-style corned beef and cheese sandwich’s rich flavor is superb with a bottle of Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon. Reasonably priced at $2,880 per bottle, this Napa Valley red goes best

with meat-heavy dishes, bringing out the pastrami’s tender flavors. The nondescript cheese (maybe muenster, maybe American... we don’t know) adds savory flourishes to the Cabernet’s herbal notes creating a symphony of flavor performing live in your mouth. Move over, New York Philharmonic Symphony. This East meats (hehe) West combination pairs the gritty “you lookin at me?” attitude of the pastrami sammy (short for sandwich) with the laid back attitude of the California red, officially ending the East v. West rivalry that has plagued our nation for generations!

Three Bean Chili, Cupcake Prosecco It’s chili time, baby!!! I know this is the section you have all been waiting for. Everybody’s favorite vegan three bean chili, served with shredded cheese and a little bit of love, pairs beautifully with any dry prosecco. The effervescent bubbles in this sparkling white wine could help to relieve some of the gas produced by this bean heavy dish. If you’re looking to celebrate the finer things, this classy combination is for you. Top off the meal with a fruit cup or some jello to give a cool palette cleanse to your hearty meal. The fruity undertones in many proseccos can serve as a helpful distraction from the bowel movements that are sure to follow!

The Signs as Oberlin Stereotypes BY ZOE JASPER | STAFF WRITER

Leo: faux poor aesthetic Aries: self-righteous protester Sagittarius: shaved head and septum piercing Aquarius: pretentious anarcho-socialist Gemini: majoring in weed, minoring in poppers

Libra: “add me on co-star” Cancer: sensitive snowflake Scorpio: full bush Pisces: goes to class barefoot Capricorn: white feminist Taurus: vegan Virgo: desperate to show you their loaded g-cal 17

Bisexuality is in the Air or Maybe… The water?

Rejected Splitchers Themes

BY GRACE SMITH | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Ever wondered how Splitchers themes get chosen? We here at The Grape certainly have. Through a series of questionable cryptocurrency transactions in the Ukraine, The Grape has obtained from the ’Sco’s sophisticated computer mainframe a list of rejected Splitchers proposals submitted by students who, evidently, do not have their thumb on the barely-there and yet oddly-exclusive pulse of Oberlin’s social scene.

In 1976, Oberlin’s finest pharmaceutical entrepreneurs discovered a compound fabled to increase attraction towards the same sex. This “homochemical,” scientifically named StatisticallyMoreOrgasmic Acid, has since found success as a Pride party drug. In fall of 2018, three students came forward and admitted to dumping “like forty dollars worth” of this drug downstream of the Oberlin Filtration Plant. They confessed, “S&S was on patrol, we just wanted to get rid of the evidence.” Soon after the chemical breach, a group of right-wing Ohioans caught wind of this gayphrodisiac and began working on a counter strike, concocting a “hetero-chemical” known as InvitedToTheFamilyEventanol Oxide. They dispersed this chemical in local waterways, targeting the “liberal cesspool” of Oberlin College. Remarkably, the reaction of these two chemicals in an aqueous environment resulted in Queerisium Sulfate, which supposedly augments attraction towards all genders. The coalition’s efforts only increased sexual fluidity in Oberlin’s hookup culture. To investigate the effects on student life, I interviewed three individuals who had sexuality crises last semester. Elmo Tumbokon (previously indicted for clout fixing, has since changed his name as part of his company’s rebranding efforts) has struggled with his identity as a gay man. He notes, “I started making out with white girls at parties and everything got too real.” Aniella Day, a first year who identified as straight before Oberlin, says, “I don’t think anyone is still straight after disorientation.” Another person who previously identified as a lesbian reported, “when

I got to Oberlin where the mainstream culture valued consent, I felt the majority of guys I was surrounded by wouldn’t take advantage of me.” She notes she was “turned on by the bare minimum.” Researchers have been unable to prove a causal link between rising rates of bisexuality and exposure to competing chemical substances. There are many confounding factors that could have thrown people’s previously assured sexuality into disarray. Such as: women with shaved heads who look like Pete Davidson, E-boys with light eyeshadow and one nail painted black, and nonbinary TAs with round thin-wired glasses. In addition, there seems to be a positive correlation between those who have taken an intro GSFS course and sexuality fluctuations. This appears to originate from the knowledge that both gender and sexuality are spectrums that shouldn’t have inherent expectations. The only outliers in this study were men who cut off women in discussions about the “female experience.” In conclusion, the effects of drinking water on sexuality have not been confirmed. In the meanwhile, stay hydrated!

BY CHRISTOPHER CHESTNUT | STAFF WRITER

Toto’s Africa Splitchers This American Life Splitchers Ween Splitchers

White Boy Sex Playlist Splitchers Free Jazz Splitchers TIMARA Splitchers A Capella Splitchers

Hamilton Splitchers The Wiggles Splitchers

JRR Tolkien Splitchers

Kenny G Splitchers Marley and Me Splitchers (no spoilers) Christian Rock Splitchers

Eurohouse Splitchers Post-Hardcore Splitchers Tom Waits Splitchers Seinfeld Theme Splitchers and Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme Splitchers

(two-week event)

John Cage’s 4’33” Splitchers

Nyan Cat Splitchers Goldsmith Party Playlist Splitchers Sufjan Stevens/Elliott Smith Splitchers (two-in-one) Arts and Sciences Orchestra Presents: A Night at the ’Sco

Michel Foucault on Audiobook Splitchers YouTube Ad Splitchers Super Bowl LIII Halftime Show Splitchers Middle School Folk-Punk Girl Splitchers Super Smash Bros. Melee Splitchers

Harkness Legal Status Changed From “Non-Profit” To “Scary Place” Following Internal Audit BY JULIAN WORTH | CONTRIBUTING WRITER The Oberlin College community is reeling from a statement released by the Oberlin Student Cooperative Association (OSCA) Wednesday, detailing their decision to release the historic Harkness Coop from their corporate assets due to violations of OSCA’s 501(c)3 nonprofit status. The

decision was made after an OSCA-wide internal audit revealed that Harkness’ signature papier-mache shark sculpture is a conscious creature that for years has proclaimed itself Harkness’ “Druid Superior.” The shark promised Harkness members a cataclysmic awakening of the

“Great Old Ones” in return for gifts of human flesh, but according to OSCA offices, this systematic collection of human carrion and spiritual essence violates OSCA’s notfor-profit status. Further complicating the matter is the nature of the violation: because any gain for Harkness is such a substantial loss to humanity, the co-op is also ineligible for “for-profit” status. The coop is awaiting approval for a new official legal designation, “Scary place,” historically only ever awarded to the Atlantic City Hard Rock Café prior to its recent renovation. Only two of the six auditors sent to assess Harkness survived, both of whom refused comment due to an inability to speak in human tongues following the traumatic audits. The only surviving accounts of the audits came from the emails sent to OSCA office by auditor Gilliam McNannigan (third-year). Excerpts from McNannigan’s accounts are printed below: “Our first concern was one purely of accessibility. Upon entering the building, Ronnie (a first-year elected to help with

the audits) was fully consumed by the Shark Beast (sic). We were only able to enter by tossing buckets of chum into the foyer and sprinting through while the Beast was slurping the gore off of a defunct upright piano. Harkness residents assured us in gleeful whispers that this was standard procedure. The shark moaned in a way that made members of our team personally uncomfortable and deafened one. We hope that these are conditions that the co-op will be able to discuss during its next meal.” McNannigan then went on to detail how: “Our auditors asked Harkness DLEC Skylar Ricardo (second-year) to comment on the state of Harkness. She explained in slurred yelps that ‘You Topsiders think we live in some kind of Soviet gulag. Gulags are cold, and my skin feels hot. So hot. Do not speak to me again or I am positive I will burn, and if I burn I will make you burn with me.’” Despite Ricardo’s assertions, our team found that while Harkness does not contain the ground layer of permafrost so characteristic of traditional gulag conditions, the congealed shell of evaporated tofu water, tears, and discarded pubic hair coating the floor gave off a remarkably similar experience.” The Grape staff sincerely hopes that with revisions to the cooperative’s place within the Oberlin community and within the cosmic void, Harkness can appeal and retain its non-profit status. We must not lose the protective shell of an operational Harkness co-op, lest the horrors within escape.

Girl Waiting for Party Found Frozen to Death on Goldsmith BY MOLLY GUMP | CONTRIBUTING WRITER After doing a routine patrol of the campus early Sunday morning, Safety & Security discovered the body of Melanie Dickens OC ‘21, frozen to death on Goldsmith. Dickens was found with nothing but a Canada Goose jacket and a handle of Malibu to keep her warm. Upon interviewing Melanie’s friends, S&S learned that the sophomore had been camping out on Goldsmith that Saturday night, waiting to see if a party would start. Even as no signs of a party became apparent, Melanie refused to give up hope, texting in her group chat with her best friends, “There’s got to be at least one party on this fucking campus.” Melanie’s friends blame the school for her death, arguing that if the houses on Woodland hadn’t been demolished, Melanie would not have had to resort to such desperate measures. “You could always find a party on Woodland,” lamented Stephanie Shatkin, Melanie’s best friend. “Now we have nothing except for a lame lacrosse party at 268B

Goldsmith, if we’re lucky.” Desperate party-seekers are not the only ones upset about the Woodland houses being gone; residents of North Campus are reporting higher levels of stress and anxiety due to the pressure of shouldering the legacy of the fallen street: “We’ve got people huddled on our porch every Saturday night, begging us to throw a party. I tell them that I have baseball practice early Sunday morning but they don’t seem to care,” complained Brian Adams, Oberlin College’s starting pitcher. Melanie’s friends hope that her death will be a wake-up call to both the Oberlin administration and those living on Goldsmith. “We need more parties or people are going to get hurt,” said Stephanie. “Don’t let Melanie die in vain.” Those wishing to pay their respects to the deceased can visit Dickens’ gravesite, located at what was previously 116 Woodland.

Tinder Bingo By Molly Gump and Ruby Anderson Horrifying sophomore couple looking to dip their toes into polyamory via Tinder threesome

Messaged with someone for 3+ days but never actually met up

Had to remake your Tinder because you ran out of people

Accidentally drunk messaged someone in your class

Had a Tinder coffee date at Slow Train or the Local

Hipster named “Sarah,” but stylized “Sare Uh” for some reason

Wealthy junior who somehow, despite living in South, managed to assemble a post-coital charcuterie board

Hooked up with someone in Kahn just for the A/C

Earnest sophomore posed with large sheet pans full of granola

Had sex with someone who played jazz as background music

Your ex’s ex, but also somehow your supervisor at DeCafe

Bio reads, “Just looking for acid or shrooms”

Hooked up with someone who owned 2+ pairs of Dansko clogs

Bloody nose selfie

FREE SPACE

Pic from outings club trip, taken on a disposable camera

Hooked up with someone who immediately un-matched with you after

Accidentally Superliked. Fuck!

Had sex with someone before finding out they were a Republican

Diamond heiress with eyebrow piercing

Only messaged you to invite you to their improv show

Had a Tinder date turn into a relationship

Ordered Domino’s post-hookup

Hooked up with someone who owned a copy of The Communist Manifesto Had to expand your distance to over 10 miles because you ran out of people