MARCH 8 2019

“The Grape is Oberlin’s sole publication.”

-The Oberlin Review, 2/22/19

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VOL. 19, NO. 8 Editors-in-Chief Sophie Jones Ian Feather Treasurer Charlie Rinehart-Jones Content Editors PJ McCormick Devin McMahon Ben Richman Jane Wickline Cover Art The Oberlin Review

OBERLIN’S STUDENT CULTURE MAGAZINE

Layout Editors Natalie Hawthorne Grace Kirk Leora Swerdlow Nico Vickers

Copy Editors Nell Back Eleanor Cunningham Olivia Hacker-Keating

Staff Writers Jason Hewitt Zoe Jasper Sam Schuman

Photo Editor Emery Webster Web Editor Leah Yassky

EST. 1999 March 8, 2019 Contributing Writers Priya Banerjee Eleanor Cannon Mirian Khanukaev Abby Lee Sophie Macaulay Torin Record-Sand Grace Smith Back Page Hannah Sandoz

WANT TO SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT? COME TO OUR NEXT MEETING! SUNDAY, MARCH 10TH, 4:00 PM IN WILDER 115 OR, IF YOU HAVE AN IDEA, SHOOT US AN EMAIL; THEGRAPE@OBERLIN.EDU

Sabra Hummus Isn’t Even Tasty

BY SOPHIE JONES AND IAN FEATHER | CO-EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Perhaps, like us, you sometimes use social media.

Perhaps, like us, you have noticed a glut of targeted Facebook and Instagram ads touting Sabra Hummus.

Perhaps, like us, you suspected there might be some deeper meaning behind the threatening tagline, “Hands off Our Hummus.” Indeed, Sabra Hummus is associated with the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) and the occupation of Palestine. Please find below our endorsement of a Sabra boycott.

The Grape supports and endorses the boycott of Sabra Hummus by Oberlin Jewish Vocies for Peace and Oberlin Students for a Free Palestine. Sabra’s parent company, Strauss Group, is an authorized supplier of Israel’s Ministry of Defense and the IDF. Strauss Group have publicly supported the Golani Brigade, a combat unit of the IDF known for its violence and violation of human rights. Because Sabra and Strauss Group are complicit in the occupation of Palestine, Oberlin cannot in good conscience sell their products. We stand in solidarity with JVP and SFP in their efforts to build an anti-Sabra coaltion across Oberlin student organizations.

We urge you, our dear readership, to sign the online petitition (bit.ly/osabra) and stop buying Sabra Hummus from DeCafe and everywhere else.

Love,

Ian & Sophie

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Oberlin Students Rally for Green New Deal

BY GRACE SMITH | CONTRIBUTING WRITER On Tuesday, February 26th, 30 college students congregated outside of Senator Sherrod Brown’s (D-OH) office in Cleveland to demand he sponsor the Green New Deal (GND). The majority of these students were from Oberlin College’s chapter of the Sunrise Movement, with a select few from Kenyon.

The Sunrise Movement is a youth-led organization advocating political action on climate change. Currently, Sunrise’s efforts are centered around gaining congressional support for the GND, a resolution put forward by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Sen. Ed Markey in early February 2019.

As of now the resolution has 100 co-sponsors in the House and Senate. There seems to be misinformation circulating within Twitter debates and sensationalized headlines, so what is the Green New Deal after all?

Creation of the resolution was spurred by reports from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), a panel of the United Nations, which concluded that we are closer to the disastrous effects of climate change than previously thought. The IPCC report in October 2018 drew from more than 6,000 scientific publications and 133 authors, while more than 1,000 scientists reviewed the findings. The report confirmed human activity as the dominant cause of climate change and the increase of natural disasters over the last century. Due to global warming’s exponential nature, we are projected to reach 1.5°C as early as 2030 and 2.0°C by 2050.

The report found that global warming of 2°C or greater would cause mass migration and displacement from affected areas, loss of more than 99% of all Earth’s coral reefs, and a risk of damage to $1,000,000,000,000 of public infrastructure and coastal real estate in the United States. By 2050 there will be over 350,000,000 more people exposed globally to deadly heat stress and wildfires that annually burn twice as much forest area in the Western U.S. compared to years preceding 2019. By the year 2100 there will be over $500,000,000,000 lost in annual economic output in the United States.

The IPCC report noted to keep global

warming below 1.5°C, there must be a global reduction of greenhouse gas emissions of around 50% by 2030 and net-zero global emissions by 2050. The GND calls for a ten year economic mobilization to achieve netzero greenhouse gas emissions by shifting to 100% clean, renewable energy. The concept was based around President Roosevelt’s New Deal to generate jobs and stabilize the economy during the Great Depression. The GND aims to create millions of high-wage jobs, invest in infrastructure and industry, ensure clean air/water/healthy food/access to nature, and promote justice for communities historically and currently disadvantaged by climate change. That last point serves to protect indigenous communities and remedy the disparity of environmental impact on minorities and low-income families.

However, while the GND has been criticized as an unrealistic pipe-dream by some, it has been defended as necessary concerning the circumstances by others. It has also been criticized for its non-binding formatting as a resolution and defended as a strategy to bring climate change to the forefront of public attention.

The Sunrise Cleveland protest was certainly designed to draw attention, with each student carrying yellow envelopes emblazoned with either “Dear Sen. Brown” or “Back The Deal.” Each contained a handwritten letter explaining their personal reasons for backing the GND. The students met with John Ryan, Senator Brown’s State Director. Since the conference room was not spacious enough to accommodate all the protesters, the meeting took place in the hallway. Each student introduced themselves and stated why they supported the GND, with reasons such as, “to ensure a livable environment for future generations” and to “prevent our descent into a climate crisis.” A Kenyon student, an Ohio native, expressed her despair at watching the environment around her decay.

Oberlin first year Dan Kennedy presented Ryan with a recent poll conducted by Yale that showed 80% of registered voters

PHOTO BY GRACE SMITH supported a federal jobs guarantee, which is a component of the GND. Another first year, Faith Ward, raised in Florida by an immigrant South African father and Costa Rican mother, expressed “[My family’s] communities are all particularly vulnerable to the climate crisis, so this isn’t a matter of some abstract concept to me. This is a matter of the potential displacement, devastation, and death of the people I love.” These claims were substantiated by scientific evidence that rising sea levels at 2°C would put at least 32 million people at risk. After personal accounts were shared, the floor was opened up for questions.

Ryan acknowledged the Senator’s impressive past record on climate change.

He said Senator Brown had a strong moral compass and was not one to be persuaded by polls or lobbying pressure. He spoke on how the senator supported same-sex marriage even when the polls showed the majority of Ohioans were against it. He noted that working with Brown was “refreshing” since in

his position he has “often needed to convince politicians to do the right thing.” However, he skillfully circumvented questions as to why the senator does not support the GND. There has been some speculation among Oberlin Sunrise members that Senator Brown will not co-sponsor the GND because he wants to run for president on the platform of a moderate democrat.

If you’re interested in helping push for this legislation, the Oberlin chapter of the Sunrise Movement meets every Tuesday at 8pm in Wilder lobby. To learn more, contact sunriseoberlin@gmail.com or check out Sunrise’s accounts on Instagram and Twitter (@OberlinSunrise).

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An Absence of Socialism at Oberlin

BY TORIN RECORD-SAND | CONTRIBUTING WRITER There is currently no openly socialist organization on the Oberlin campus. Despite this, there is considerable student interest in socialist and democratic socialist politics. This last Tuesday, 30 students met with Senator Sherrod Brown’s office to put pressure on him to endorse the Green New Deal, a set of economic and ecological reforms with a broad interest in providing stronger social welfare and forming a more ecologically sustainable economy. While not explicitly anticapitalist, it was proposed by one of the most radically leftist house representatives in present memory – Rep. Alexia Ocasio-Cortez, a self-described democratic socialist. Students’ solidarity with such a cause still reflects Oberlin’s broadly progressive ethos. One hardly has to look no farther than the first page of Google results to see the infamous New Yorker

become aware enough of campus issues that they’re led to organize; potentially creating a deficit in a broader number of activist voices on labor issues, such as socialist organizing for labor.

There’s also the concern of alienating other people from joining in campus organizations by adopting an explicitly socialist label. The SLAC associate noted the organization considered adopting Marxism as an organizational position, but decided it was unnecessary. “We don’t want to alienate anyone on the left. We don’t want to gate-keep. It’s not a good focus of our energy. We’re interested in being open to anyone who’s willing to join and help us in our struggle. If white Marxists need to have a label to come out and organize, then they’re not organizing well.”

“IF THERE IS GOING TO BE A SOCIALIST ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS, IT’LL NEED TO BE GRASSROOTS AND WITH A MORE REVOLUTIONARY INTENT.” article published on Oberlin’s campus activism in 2016. Often Oberlin’s history of activism is even a draw for prospective students. However, I found it curious that despite support for progressive politics, an explicitly socialist voice was missing from the contemporary campus.

In order to figure out why, I reached out to the leaders of several student groups, other students, and a few professors and asked them about why they think that an explicitly socialist voice isn’t currently present. Student leaders cited the fact that a socialist framework wasn’t necessary for their goals, as such a framework is better suited to policy issues on a national political scale rather than the politics of a college campus.

They said that the majority of work to be done on campus, often surrounding labor or issues with the school’s administration, was better done without an ideological framework that might alienate or exclude voices who share similar concerns. Other issues focused on the general feeling of political burnout since 2016, as well as the problem of maintaining a consistent series of goals with the prospect that members and leaders of activist organizations will rotate every year on campus. Professors discussed the problems of understanding the difficult nuances of maintaining political relationships between students and faculty.

I first spoke to an associate from the Student Labor Action Coalition, or SLAC. SLAC focuses on issues regarding both student and non-labor and its relation to the administration.

Their current focus is on protecting jobs, especially in the wake of the school’s recent financial issues, as well as promoting worker self-management and struggling against the school’s outsourcing of dining services management to Bon Appetit. SLAC is also currently organizing around the farreaching effects of the school’s budget cuts, as well as creating work groups for other tasks such as combating racial policing in the Oberlin community.

“There’s been a general trend of political exhaustion on the left, but especially in Oberlin. While there was a lot of organizing in 2016 with Gibson’s, anti-austerity organizing, and student representatives on the school’s board, there’s been a downward trend due to burnout. Since 2017, it’s been much harder,” a SLAC associate said. Another problem expressed was the problem of the visibility of issues on campus. “A general trend in the administration is to tactically make budget cuts where it’s hard for it to be visible to most students.” The SLAC associate noted that such a lack of visibility with the direct impact of budget cuts makes it harder for students to

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I also spoke to Raphael Dreyfuss, an activist within both the Students for Free Palestine (SFP) and Jewish Voice for Peace (JVP). Both groups are focused on educating and organizing around the Israeli-Palestine issue. SFP focuses more on organizing around Palestine, centering its campus activism on seeking to end Israeli investments within the school’s endowment and associations with Israeli corporations such as their ongoing campaign against Sabra products on campus. SFP is a primarily non-religious group. By contrast, the JVP is based more around enabling religious practice and discussing its relation to political issues. Neither group, however, is explicitly socialist, despite sharing concerns that overlap with socialism, such as a focus on organizing efforts

New School, a college in New York City. The New School’s Communist Student Group had a recent campaign focusing on concerns with budget cuts affecting their dining services, similar to Oberlin’s current concerns with dining services.

Via their organizing, The New School’s Communist Student Group was able to secure dining hall jobs that were otherwise planned to be cut for both students and non-students.

Daniel Kennedy of Sunrise Oberlin also was available for comment. Sunrise Oberlin has a narrower focus than the previous groups, with its main concern being advocacy for the Green New Deal, as well as raising awareness of the Green New Deal among students and encouraging and organizing students to engage in political advocacy for it. Sunrise Oberlin, while allied to Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, is not a democratic socialist organization and also avoids any specific ideological label.

He cited some of the same concerns. “People don’t need labels to motivate them. People are motivated by social change without it having to be explicitly socialist. The Green New Deal addresses many of the same issues as socialists do – the need to imagine a world to survive climate change, and addressing racial injustice and economic inequality. If we’re to fix these issues, coalition with a lot of groups is needed.” He added, “Other student groups who haven’t heard of us should engage if they can. We’re here and my DMs are open.”

Speaking to several professors, a different issue emerges in the relationship between faculty and students in terms of organization. “It’s not entirely clear what the relationship between professors and students are in terms of campus politics. There’s a hesitance in terms of whether or not faculty should be seen in advocating any position,” said Professor Stephen Crowley. Professor Chase Hobbs-Morgan expressed a similar sentiment, saying, “There are questions of whether professors should involve themselves with student politics, and the ethics of those interactions. But those questions

“[STUDENT LEADERS] SAID THAT THE MAJORITY OF WORK TO BE DONE ON CAMPUS ... WAS BETTER DONE WITHOUT AN IDEOLOGICAL FRAMEWORK THAT MIGHT ALIENATE OR EXCLUDE VOICES WHO SHARE SIMILAR CONCERNS.” around anti-imperialism. SFP specifically avoids offering a solution to the Israeli-Palestine issue, with its focus on applying pressure against Israel to allow Palestine a stronger political voice.

Raphael expressed similar concerns about burnout. “With socialist organizations on [any college] campus, there’s a constant struggle against the way in which leadership and membership changes every four years. It means re-educating constantly. It’s hard to have sustained efforts. In most socialist organizations outside campuses, there’s a stronger possibility for intergenerational relations. That’s much harder to achieve on campuses.”

He similarly expressed concerns about leftist sectarianism. “As students who are leftists, we all know we’re on the same team. There’s never going to be a Marxist versus Anarchist conflict here – there’s already so few people to have those battles. It’s going to be hard to construct an ideological front and be politically productive on campus.”

He added, “If there is going to be a socialist organization on campus, it’ll need to be grassroots and with a more revolutionary intent.” He saw hope in recent efforts at the

aren’t even addressed as there’s simply no space for such discussions to take place.”

Despite these concerns, there’s still interest in explicitly socialist student organizing. I wrote to 3rd year Oberlin student Dylan Palmer, currently abroad in Berlin, who is interested in organizing when he returns. He’s similarly interested in coalition with other students. “I aim for [socialist organizing] to be based on a degree of radical left unity, of course dependent on an acceptance of intersectionality, anti-imperialism, and real anti-capitalism.” He cited the importance of socialism as a way of seeing capitalism as an antagonistic force which is responsible in the oppressions students face. “[Without socialist critique we’re] blind to capitalism as a global system and a structure that is entangled with the various identity based issues, like those relating to gender/sexuality, race etc., that Oberlin students are more actively involved in.”

Alternative Careers: Q&A with Alum Allison Moon

BY DEVIN MCMAHON | FEATURES EDITOR This new column spotlights Obies who never pursued a traditional career path; those who will probably never be celebrated by the alumni office, but who are doing exciting and interesting work the Oberlin community should know about. I’ll be talking to political organizers, researchers, educators— people doing the necessary, productive, important work we all hope to do post-grad, and asking them to share with us what they’re up to, how they got there, and how they make it work (financially and otherwise).

For this issue, I chatted with Allison Moon, Oberlin class of ‘03, a sex educator, writer, self-publisher, and creator/ host of the podcast Artgasm. Moon is the author of the sex memoir Bad Dyke, the queer sex-ed comic Girl Sex 101, and the lesbian werewolf novels Lunatic Fringe and Hungry Ghost. She, too, teaches workshops on self-publishing, sexed for adults, and writing.

Devin McMahon: Allison, tell me about your work and how it came about.

Allison Moon: I’ve been a sex educator and writer for 11 years, and full time for the last four years. The book Girl Sex 101 is what allowed me to quit my job and focus on writing full time. Right now I’m working on a sex-ed new book that will release in 2020 and a podcast all about the intersections of art and sexuality called Artgasm. I also do other writing in the form of stage plays, screenplays, and novels.

DM: Why did you choose to write about sex-ed?

AM:I’ve always been interested in sexuality. As a young person I found I had a facility for talking about sexuality that wasn’t shared by many of my peers. This meant I was often the “go-to” for friends with sex questions. That interest and facility stayed with me into adulthood when I realized that even adults need help when it comes to sex information. So I kept answering questions and doing research, until I realized it was turning into a job. Girl Sex 101 the book came out of the workshop I had taught dozens of times. When you teach sex-ed to adults, there are only so many people you can reach, often located in large, liberal cities. I wrote Girl Sex 101 to reach further than I could in person, and to help younger and potentially more isolated folks access affirming, inclusive sexed.

DM: How did your time at Oberlin inform your work?

AM: I was a Biopsychology major, with minors in Theater and Cinema Studies. Biopsychology interested me because I was curious about ecstatic states induced by religion, sexuality, movement, art and psychedelics. I think it’s important to understand the human motivations that underpin our sex drives. Part of this is the drive to reproduce, of course, but there’s also the drive for community, self-esteem, intimacy, and catharsis. Theater helped me develop stage presence which makes me a better educator and lecturer. And cinema studies helped give me the confidence to just go out and make things. Without having the experience of making a documentary in Geoff Pingree’s documentary class, I’m not sure I would have had the confidence to write AND produce Girl Sex 101.

But the truth is, sex-ed as a career didn’t occur to me until years after graduating. I think it’s important to realize that at 19 or 21, there’s only so much one can know about their future and their path. I didn’t realize I didn’t want to do laboratory research until my senior year, when I was mere credits from finishing my Biopsych major. So I finished my major and felt a little lost about my future. It’s okay for things to take a little while to figure out. While I wish I could have taken more creative writing classes or sociology classes at Oberlin, I’m happy

with my choices, because they all led me to where I am now.

On a more specific (and personal) note, the stories I amassed at Oberlin, and the people I got to know, often informs my work directly. In my book Bad Dyke, I share a number of stories of my romps with some great people. And my next book, Getting It: How to Hook Up Without Fucking Up, is thanks in part to the fact that I got to know a lot of people who were great at having casual sex with integrity. It’s hard to overestimate how important it is to have access to a sexpositive and queer-positive campus culture.

DM: How did you transition from just writing to self-publishing too?

AM: I’ve always been a kinesthetic learner: I learn best by doing. So while writing my first book was a huge undertaking, I also wanted to learn the nuts and bolts of publishing. So I taught myself how to typeset, how to hire and work with an editor, how to develop a marketing plan, and all the rest of it.

Once I self-published my first book, it became exponentially easier to continue to self-publish my other work. And of course, the tools to do so became more accessible (such as online distribution companies).

I had to self-publish Girl Sex 101 because it was just too big and too designed for a traditional publisher to make any money. It’s nearly 400 pages and was first published in fullcolor, which meant the margins were razor thin. And because my primary market was queer women, I knew I’d be better off reaching out directly to my readers rather than trying to convince a publisher it was worth the risk.

DM: What was the greatest thing you learned at Oberlin?

AM: Perhaps it’s a cliche, but the most important things I learned at Oberlin happened outside the classroom. It was listening to black women talk about their experiences of racism and sexism. It was listening to trans people discuss their challenges with the medical establishment. It was talking with peers from urban upbringings and contrasting their experiences to my provincial childhood. It was talking to students who did sex work about how their work informed them as human beings. And all the other opportunities to learn about different people from their own points of view.

As for sex specifically, I feel incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to explore sexuality with some really extraordinary people while a student at Oberlin. And through that “first hand” experience, I got to understand the wide variety of how people perceive their own sexuality, what gave them pleasure, what they were afraid of or confused by, and where their own learning edges were. This kind of “extra-curricular” education informs my work every day.

DM: Is there something you wish Oberlin had taught you for the “real world”?

AM: I think higher education is still stuck in an industrialized mentality in that it tries to prepare you for a capital-J “Job.” That’s unfortunately not the path many folks take in our society anymore. I would have loved more opportunities to understand how one “goes it alone.” In theater, I would have loved to learn more about non-profit management and what it takes to run a theater company. In cinema studies, I would have loved to take a class on production that focused on things like financing. One of the beautiful things about Oberlin and other colleges is that they offer access to equipment and wisdom that don’t come free in the rest of the world. It would have been helpful to be educated in what it takes to make your own art and distribute it.

PHOTO BY TALESOFTHEPACK.COM DM: Do you have a piece of advice for Oberlin students who are going to be reading this article?

AM: I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that privilege and luck are both very helpful when it comes to starting your own business. I don’t have kids. I didn’t have massive debt leaving school. I don’t have chronic health issues. Clearly, that’s not the case for everyone, and it would be unethical for me to suggest that everyone just dissociate from the corporate model. So while there may be the temptation to strike out solo right after graduation, it may be more prudent for some folks to get a capital-J Job and work and save and work and save. That’s what I did for six years after graduating. I worked and amassed real world skills (like arts management, media production, and technical writing). When I was ready to start my own thing, I felt confident in both my skills AND my ability to find another job if I needed one.

While it’s trendy right now to be a full-time solopreneur or artist, there’s zero shame in taking a paycheck to cover your ass while you focus on your passion. I wrote Girl Sex 101 in 20-minute chunks on the train to my job every day. It was because of the success of the book that I was able to quit that job. But it was because of the job I was able to get my financial needs met so I wasn’t stressed out about groceries when I should have been writing. Maybe a hybrid lifestyle is best for some folks for a while, so you can get a paycheck, or health insurance, or just peace of mind, so that you have more mental and emotional space to make your best work on the side.

Find Allison at: girlsex101.com / twitter.com/heyalliemoon / instagram.com/allison_moon / artgasmcast.com

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Mudd’s Hidden Bathroom Tribute to Book Thief

BY MIRIAM KHANUKAEV | CONTRIBUTING WRITER Have you ever wondered what lies behind the Mudd Library circulation desk? Perhaps unsurprisingly, hidden behind the walls is a huge, well-lit unit of cubicles and offices. But just to the left of the cubicle rows stands one of the most interesting spots in Oberlin — a bathroom. Only easily accessible to library staffers, its story is largely unknown. So what’s the big deal about this bathroom?

The Shinn Room, as it is known, commemorates the arrest of a rare book thief, James R. Shinn. In 1981, Shinn locked himself in the bathroom and tried to flush away incriminating evidence after stealing $100,000 worth of rare books from college libraries, such as those belonging to University of Illinois at Urbana, Reed College in Oregon, Stanford University, Princeton University and more.

According to Ray English, Head Reference Librarian at the time, a student alerted him and Director of Libraries William “Bill” A. Moffet of suspicious activity by “a tall, somewhat heavyset man who wore suspenders,” who was later confirmed to be James Shinn.

English observed Shinn passing a metal object through books that he opened one by one in order to cut pages and cutting out valuable pages with a razor. He confronted Shinn, who responded with assertions that English was invading his privacy and should leave him alone. He was then met by Moffet, who was guarding the front entrance, and asked to register at the circulation desk. There, he was met by Oberlin Police and College security, who questioned Shinn in the library office.

Now, this moment is when the iconic bathroom enters the scene. Shinn had apparently darted into the bathroom and discharged a metal object, which turned out to be his electronic sensing device. English excitedly describes the event, saying, “At one point I was telling the officer about the metal object and Bill held out his hand and said ‘It wouldn’t

be this, would it?’ I recognized the object and said ‘Yes, that’s it!’” English and Moffet confirmed that the metal detector would be considered a “criminal tool” in the context of a library, since it works to alert the person using it of security strips. The metal detector, along with rare books worth over $30,000 found in his room at the Oberlin Inn, were enough to circulate a warrant for his arrest, and eventually charge him with grand theft.

His Oberlin arrest, however, was not the end of Shinn’s story. According to a New York Times article printed in 1981, following his arrest Shinn skipped bail and disappeared for a couple of months, until he was arrested near Muhlenburg College in Allentown, PA on December 16, 1981. Shinn was eventually sentenced to 20 years in Federal prison.

Shinn’s arrest raised awareness of issues in Library Security. English notes Moffet’s commitment to security after the event, which Moffet believed to be “an issue that the library profession wasn’t paying enough attention to.” After the event, Moffet circulated Shinn’s picture around other libraries, and coordinated an Oberlin conference on book theft. English notes Shinn’s arrest had a momentous impact on library security, as libraries nationwide opened their eyes to security threats. As we know, Moffet further memorialized the event by creating a shrine-like display in the same bathroom where Shinn tried to hide the device. Nowadays, the bathroom, renamed the Shinn room, is full of framed collected clippings on the story. English playfully notes, “It’s reflective of [Moffet’s] sense of humor that he gained permission to name the room the Shinn Room, making it I think the only room on campus that is not named for a prominent donor.”

The Shinn room is easily accessible. Ask Mudd Library staff to check it out.

PHOTOS BY MIRIAM KHANUKAEV

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Oberlin Has a New Food Delivery Service Called ObieEats!

BY JASON HEWITT | STAFF WRITER

Freshman Raul Segredo created a business called “ObieEats” that delivers food from town to your doorstep. No, I’m not bullshitting you. The delivery service runs every day except for Sunday from 6 P.M. to 10 P.M. ObieEats makes deliveries from The Feve, The Oberlin Kitchen, Agave, and Black River Café. I have been waiting for an Oberlin delivery service since I first got here, and I’m a junior, but better late than never, right? I had the chance to sit down with Raul to chat about his reasoning behind creating this business.

“Coming from Miami, I wasn’t used to having to walk through snow and I wished there was a way I could get good and avoid having to go outside.” Damn right, Raul. Walking in this freezing weather to get some food is a less than ideal situation to say the very least. He continued to explain his

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reasoning for creating the business.

“I think it runs in the family. My dad and uncle are both successful entrepreneurs. More importantly, though, starting my own company has been a passion of mine for my entire life. I could name countless little makeshift businesses I’ve made throughout my life (lemonade stands, selling origami, throwing parties in high school). I think I’ve always had a drive to make a service that people want to use.”

So, Raul created ObieEats, just like that. I asked him how he made a solid profit with the deliveries. *Cough* I asked him this because I know y’all want to know about the price *Cough.* “We actually use a cheaper price format than UberEats and PostMates. It’s a 30% maximum delivery fee on the

amount of food you order.” Imagine being hungry on a freezing cold evening. You’re craving Agave for some reason, so you order the nachos through ObieEats. You would be paying $10.08 instead of walking all the way there and paying $7.50.

If it were up to me, paying a little extra > walking. If you want to make an order for ObieEats, you simply go to “obieeats. com” and follow the instructions from there. You can also go to their Instagram page.

Raul started the company through “LaunchU,” a winter term program designed to help young entrepreneurs expand their businesses to new levels. He talked about his experience with LaunchU and how it strengthened ObieEats. “So in

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

A Conversation with Dr. Suzanne Jenkins

BY ABBY LEE | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Suzanne Jenkins is the doctor behind Oberlin’s new gynecological practice, Whole Woman: Holistic Gynecology, located at 23 Eric Nord Way, Suite #1— behind the Slow Train Café. Dr. Jenkins has previously worked as an OB/GYN for the US Navy, at Camp Lejune in North Carolina. I was interested to hear more about Dr. Jenkins’ practice, and to highlight this important new resource for Oberlin students and the greater community. I sat down with her and we chatted about her holistic approach, building her own practice, and sexual education.

The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Abby Lee: Can you talk a little bit about the “Whole Woman” name and ideology, as a holistic women’s health practice, and also kind of as a “brand”?

Dr. Suzanne Jenkins: What I hope to cultivate through my “brand,” whether that’s through my logo, website, office design, or general approach to patient care, is the idea that each person is truly cared for as a whole individual with unique thoughts, feelings, symptoms, and experiences; that we will listen to your story and treat you with respect. The office is small, just me and my assistant Sunshine, so when patients call, you know who you are going to talk to on the phone. With the name, I was looking for something that would hopefully communicate in a succinct way the holistic nature of my approach, that I am looking at the whole person when treating them, but also that I am a gynecologist as opposed to a general practitioner and thus specialize in issues related more specifically to the female reproductive organs and hormones. I am trying to balance both my holistic approach with the fact that I can also provide standard gynecology services, like pap smears, IUDs, and even surgical procedures when needed.

Making sure we are inclusive and respectful towards the significant transgender and non-binary community here is really important too. I have actually strongly considered changing the name to remove the word “woman.” I have already taken some steps along this path, however changing a legal business name is not completely straightforward, and is not something that can be done quickly due to multiple moving parts (multiple contracts with different vendors and insurance companies primarily that would all need to be re-done).

In the meantime, I just want trans and non-binary people to know that they are absolutely welcome here, regardless of whether or not they identify as a woman, and we will apply the same holistic principles of looking at the whole person when treating them.

listic” doesn’t mean “100% natural all the time,” but rather lets me begin with a framework that looks at multiple body systems at once and how they may be interacting with each other, then starting with the most natural treatments (like a good foundation in nutrition, movement, stress management, and sleep), and working my way up as needed or desired by the patient.

AL: In our current political moment, do you find working as an OB/GYN to be any more challenging than it may have been a few years ago?

SJ: Well, I’ve only been practicing OB/GYN for about 8 years now, so unfortunately it feels like women’s reproductive health issues have been under attack for my entire career, though I agree that these last 2 years have been particularly concerning. I do find that more women are requesting long-acting reversible contraception, like IUDs, and just have more anxiety in general about reproductive health. Being an OB/GYN though does give me the confidence to speak from a position of authority on these issues, and hopefully, through respectful dialogue, help people understand the incredibly complex nature of many reproductive issues, rather than just reverting to talking points that everyone has heard a thousand times.

AL: Has there been any questioning from patients around the nature of a holistic approach to gynecology?

SJ: Not too much, actually. I think that most people are coming to me excited about the holistic approach, and that people are naturally apprehensive just go somewhere else. For me, “ho-

AL: Can you talk a bit about the lack of comprehensive/ adequate sexual health and education in primary and secondary schools?

SJ: One thing that often gets overlooked in the discussions about contraception and abortion is the incredible importance of comprehensive sexual health education.

Unfortunately, too often this starts around 4th or 5th grade with basic information regarding “you will bleed every month” and “this is how babies are made,” followed by a simplistic course in high school taught by someone with very limited training in healthcare that focuses on basic safe sex practices and avoiding unintended pregnancy and STDs. So much of what I do now is teach people basic sexual and hormone health: what your hormones do in your body, how they are supposed to function and cycle, what you should do to keep them healthy, and what symptoms may arise when they get out of whack. Most people know “I should eat a healthy diet so I do not have a heart attack when I am older” but don’t realize how a healthy diet impacts hormone health as well… and thus in turn can affect everything from heavy or irregular bleeding, weight gain, migraine headaches, digestive issues, and even depression and anxiety! A comprehensive holistic lifestyle can improve symptoms in almost every single organ system, and should be incorporated into almost every treatment plan prescribed. I love teaching about this stuff, particularly nutrition and hormone health, and could go on about it forever!

AL: Have you had any considerations regarding the gendered aspect of “woman” in the name of the practice?

SJ: That is a good question. The gendered question is a tricky one as a gynecologist, because “gynecology” has an inherent gendered aspect to it. What makes it tricky is that on the one hand, obviously there are people on the gender spectrum who may require gynecologic care, without actually identifying as a woman. On the other hand, there are many women who celebrate their womanhood, and removing a gendered perspective from healthcare may be a disservice since there are significant differences between cis-men and cis-women with regards to health, and in fact having more “woman-centric” care has been a hard-fought victory in healthcare for women.

WHOLE WOMAN LOGO DRAWN BY ABBY LEE

ObieEats continued LaunchU, I was able to meet a lot of people who were able to guide me through the logistics of the company. Huge shoutout to Bara Watts, who was a big motivator and is the director of entrepreneurship here at Oberlin. He was my mentor throughout creating this. My dad and uncle also really helped me out just with different questions throughout the process.

While at LaunchU, the other people attending the course were extremely helpful to me, and I’m excited to see their projects start. Ceiveon Munoz and Ruiqi Liu’s “Drumplings” and Kelvin Baker’s “RIDE” are both very promising companies that Oberlin will be hearing a lot about very soon.”

Let me add some context to Raul’s situation to understand how much he has to deal with on top of his business. He’s a first year who is still adjusting to Oberlin. Not only is he a first year, but he is also a football player, so his schedule is really hectic. I don’t know how he does it, but he finds a way to make

his deliveries. Oh, and he makes the deliveries on his bike, if you weren’t impressed enough. I got curious and asked Raul how some of the restaurants in town responded to his new business.

Some of the restaurants in town have turned Raul away (we can’t say… ask him yourself when you order from ObieEats!), but Raul believes that he can make this a profitable business for all parties involved.

“Technically, the only restaurants who are aware that I’m delivering for them are Black River Café and Oberlin Kitchen.

Legally, I don’t need consent from a restaurant to deliver for them. Right now, I’m trying to prove to them that this is a service that they need.”

This IS Oberlin, and we like to keep it real on The Grape, so I asked Raul how often people were faded for his deliveries. His response? “I’d say around 50% of the time.” Scoot

over, Domino’s!

Oberlin has a new option in ObieEats, and Raul ensures that he is dedicated to serving you. He also wants you all to know that ObieEats isn’t some temporary thing. This is a service that is here to stay as long as business is booming.

“I think what really appeals to me is the grind. I think when you’re starting your own business, your hard work is really transparent in the product you make, and that’s what appeals the most to me. I’ve never cared so much about personal publicity. I just wanted to find a way to positively affect people’s lives and try and make the world a better place.”

APRIL 12, 2018

7

The Masked Singer

The Dystopian Singing Competition with a Heart of Gold

BY OLIVIA HACKER-KEATING | COPY EDITOR

Explaining The Masked Singer— a new singing competition on Fox which just wrapped up its first season— is an almost impossible task, but one which I have attempted breathlessly to almost all my friends since watching the first episode. The premise is deceptively simple: twelve celebrities of comedy, sports, and/or music fame, compete in a singing competition. Each week, one is sent home until the final champion is crowned. The twist? Celebrities’ identities are hidden until they are eliminated.

It seems like pretty standard reality TV fare— so much so that I felt certain that this premise had been used before (it has, in South Korea)— but after a few minutes of watching this show it is clear that it is so much more (both exciting and confusing) than the sum of its parts.

The first indication that The Masked Singer is something more akin to a program that you glimpse on a TV in the background of a Black Mirror episode than your typical singing competition is the costumes.

To ensure the contestants remain anonymous, a lesser show might have had judges facing away from the stage, à la The Voice, or perhaps have the singers perform behind a screen as silhouettes. Instead, participants on The Masked Singer are each given an animal character to embody for the entire season, with full coverage costumes to match, all designed to look like furries going through a steampunk phase.

The panel of judges— singer Robin Thicke, comedian Ken Jeong, former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and anti-vax spokeswoman Jenny McCarthy— prove pretty nonessential to the show. They don’t have any elimination authority and mainly seem to be there to remind audiences that they “have no idea who’s behind the mask!”

(The show does succeed in the difficult task of making professional slimy-guy Robin Thicke seem likable. He takes his guessing the most seriously, and watching him scribble notes on clues he thinks might lead him to uncovering the identity of someone wearing a Unicorn fursuit is endearing.)

The real heart of The Masked Singer, though, comes

from the competitors. A show that forces celebrities of varying levels of success to dress up like mascots and perform could easily fall into the territory of embarrassing and degrading, but the contestants on The Masked Singer all seem genuinely excited to participate in the competition, stating various motivations such as some time out of the spotlight, a period of much needed self reflection, or a chance for redemption after a criticism-filled career.

And some of them are, like, really famous! Of course, the standard celebrity talent show fare is there— the kid of famous parents, the less famous member of a long-defunct boy band— but there are some people with no need for extra recognition who, I can only think, would participate in such a strange activity because it is fulfilling. Without giving anything away— I want to ensure everyone experiences this wild ride to its fullest— the celebrity who ultimately wins is someone who probably played an important role in your adolescence and who no one will see coming (except for me, because I am a genius celebrity detective and guessed it on the first episode).

It’s fun to see celebrities attempt a skill outside of their field, in a format that, due to the partial anonymity, seems less exhibitionist than similar shows such as Dancing with the Stars. When in their exit interviews the booted contestants are asked by host Nick Cannon (of course the host is Nick Cannon) why they chose to be on this show, most of them, who already have Emmys, Grammys or Super Bowl rings to their name, say it’s because they’ve always loved to sing, and, for some reason, I believe it. Despite having a cast who spend ninety-nine percent of their airtime embodying characters such as a friendly monster and a straightjacket wearing rabbit, The Masked Singer feels, as far as reality TV goes, surprisingly real.

“IT’S FUN TO SEE CELEBRITIES ATTEMPT A SKILL OUTSIDE OF THEIR FIELD, IN A FORMAT THAT, DUE TO THE PARTIAL ANONYMITY, SEEMS LESS EXHIBITIONIST THAN SIMILAR SHOWS SUCH AS DANCING WITH THE STARS.”

8

THE GRAPE

Miya Folick Concert Review

BY ELEANOR CANNON | CONTRIBUTING WRITER Last Monday, February 25th, I headed to the Cat at 8pm. Upon arrival, I noticed there were surprisingly few people there, and the Cat is already a pretty small space. I was there to see one of my favorite singers right now, Miya Folick.

The opener was a band called Barrie, a group of five from Brooklyn, NY— the band is named after the lead singer Barrie Lindsay, and also features Dominic Apa, Spurge Carter, Sabine Holler, and Noah Prebish.

Though the title indicates that Lindsay has been the driving creative force behind the project, the band felt almost too egalitarian. When there are more than, like, three people in a band, each additional person must truly play a necessary role to avoid coming across like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros or some other equally cultish group. It was precisely this that I felt Barrie struggled with, having so much going on onstage and yet nothing specific to look at or listen to. And, perhaps the low point: Lindsay said she got into Oberlin, but then went to Wesleyan instead, and I glimpsed many Wesleyan-rejected heads nodding in shame.

Afterward, everyone at the Cat was sitting down and it was a bit awkward. The lights dimmed and intro music for the headliner—Miya Folick— began to play. The intro music went on for far too long, with the lights growing more dim, and this only exacerbated the uncomfortable nature of the situation. Folick and her orange-clad band eventually walked onstage. Hard to miss, Folick is

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE CAT IN THE CREAM

strikingly tall with a neon pink mullet. She wore a coralcolored sports bra, a navy blue baseball cap, and white cropped jeans, both articles of clothing that she looked amazing in but would have made most other people look exceedingly weird.

When Folick started to sing, her voice absolutely shivered through the room, and the awkwardness of being at the Cat on a Monday instead of doing work just disappeared. Folick is a classically trained singer, and her voice ballooned against every corner of the space, expanding in volume without ever breaking. Folick is also an actress, and originally attended NYU for acting before transitioning to music. I did not expect this to be as obvious as it

THERE APPEARED TO BE LIMITED QUANTITIES OF A SPECIFIC TYPE OF CONCERT-GOING MAN THERE, THE KIND THAT STAND IN THE BACK AND MAKE AGGRESSIVE MOVEMENTS WITH THEIR HEAD AND NECK TO INDICATE THAT THEY UNDERSTAND THE MUSIC. was; Folick makes expressive movements with her hands and body that perfectly summarize the mood of the song and patterns of her breathing. It was actually kind of a religious, kinetic experience.

Eventually, I just had to get up out of my seat and dance.

The staff at the Cat were beautifully dancing in their corner, and a good part of the audience that had been seated came to join them. Everybody was dancing and eating warm cookies, and it was really lovely. There appeared to be limited quantities of a specific type of concert-going man there, the kind that stand in the back and make aggressive movements with their head and neck to indicate that they understand the music. Instead, I saw some folks spinning around on chairs and the lovely staff of the Cat absolutely killing it with their moves. Miya made a brief speech about sometimes feeling like a failure, and for one gleaming minute, I felt incredibly powerful.

The rarest thing about Folick is that she regularly addresses songs to female friends. Tracks like “Baby Girl” or “Stop Talking” are all about female friendship— something I did not realize was rare in music until this show.

During this significant realization, I gazed over at my best friend, who was flailing alongside me, and understood that I did not have to make my pubes look a certain way, or even brush my hair, for her to always love and support me. Lyrics like “Lying on the bathroom floor, laughing our heads off / crying in the alleyway / your head in my lap” are exceedingly real depictions of female love that I had never heard rendered in song before.

This show cultivated a powerful bubble around all who entered the Cat that night. I hope to see many more like it before I leave this school. It is unusual that I am not aware of my body, of feeling my lack of grace so substantially that it limits me. Miya Folick reminded me of what I had forgotten was important in life— friendship, dancing until you sweat, and just truly letting your self-consciousness go.

The State of Comedy

Five Obie Comedians Weigh in on Representation in Standup, the Medium’s Political and Artistic Potential, and More

BY SAM SCHUMAN | STAFF WRITER Stand-up comic and writer Jaboukie Young-White, best known for his work on The Daily Show and HBO’s Crashing, performed Saturday, March 2nd at Finney Chapel for a crowd that filled nearly every available seat in the 1,200-capacity venue. Warming up for Jaboukie were five of Oberlin’s very own stand-up comics, all people of color, who performed eight-minute sets to a strong reception from their peers. The Grape caught up with them— Ruby Anderson, Michelle Chu, Gabi Shiner, Brian Smith and Sammie Westelman—to discuss their views on stand-up as a form, a political tool, and more.

The following quotes have been edited for length and clarity.

On stand-up and their personal lives: Brian Smith: “It’s really just getting up on a stage and talking about yourself and your life experiences. And it’s really nerve-wracking because in a sense you have to be interesting enough. Or have experiences that are relatable enough for people to relate to them and find them funny.”

Sammie Westelman: “It feels honest...I like making people laugh.”

Gabi Shiner: “I’ll describe experiences where I couldn’t actually act like myself in response to them—or where I felt embarrassed at the time—and onstage when I recount them, I’ll respond as my unhinged self. In artistic reiterations of events, a way of being empowered is just having fun with it.

Your emotions in storytelling can be anything you want them to be, and they can be complex.”

Michelle Chu: “I really like that it’s sort of conversational, even though there’s no response.”

On the importance of representation in comedy Smith: “It’s interesting to see how it [comedy] has moved away from ‘Oh, I’m going to target a specific group of people, I’m going to target a specific person in the crowd and humiliate that person or those people’ in order to garner laughter. I think comedy can be inclusive, and that’s what we’re seeing now.”

Ruby Anderson [who was responsible for choosing the other four openers]: “I really wanted to prioritize opening up not only the auditions but the actual spots for the openers to people who weren’t white men. Comedy as an art form has its roots in Black and Jewish communities, and I think that inherently it’s an artform that comes out of different marginalized identities, especially Black communities. I think that... people who hold different identities that aren’t white, aren’t cis, aren’t male, have to engage in this daily act of self-regulation and I think it makes us more observant and more aware of the world around us...I think that makes for really good comedy and parody.”

Westelman: “Being Asian is a big part of why Ali Wong is such a big influence of mine. Asian women are expected to behave a certain way, and that way is not necessarily funny.

It’s good to see people like me being funny, and that’s something that we’re allowed to do now. You do have to push the envelope a bit, [but] there are ways to do that without being harmful. Race jokes absolutely are funny, but I want to hear them from someone who’s not white. I want to hear their perspective.”

Chu: “Stand-up is stories from people’s everyday lives and experiences, and that has to deal with your identity, and so you have to talk about your position in the world. If all you hear is the same identity in stand-up, then you have a really narrow view of things.”

Shiner: I think there have been times where cis white dudes have made it really miserable for a lot of people [in the Oberlin comedy community], and I’ve also been lucky to experience amazing non-dudes in the [Oberlin comedy] scene. It is so different from being onstage with men.

The comedy scene is overwhelmingly white and I don’t PHOTO BY SAM SCHUMAN think we work hard enough to expand to people of color on campus. This [performance] feels like a banner event for comedy on campus, so I think it’s really good that…this space is being claimed for non-cis white dudes…especially people of color.”

On complaints that comedy has become too “politically correct” Smith: “I don’t even like the term ‘politically correct’ because it assumes that politics are correct...If you have to tear people down in order to be funny, what does that say about you?”

Shiner: “I honestly think people who can’t get past punching down as a form of making jokes aren’t funny...people who think that comedy is too ‘PC’ are unimaginative and not trying to hard enough to actually make good work.”

Chu: “I would never write anything that would isolate a group of people. It’s never funny to say racist things. It’s also really tired. Not only is it not funny, [but] people have been doing it since the beginning of time, and you need to get creative nowadays…all types of discrimination are super boring.”

On standup as an art form and political tool Smith: “We don’t really hold comedy to the same weight and value as [we do with] more ‘serious’ artistic mediums. I do think it’s connected to this bourgeois culture of what ‘art’ is and art being highbrow and comedy being lowbrow, and if it is highbrow comedy it has to be steeped in intellectualism and have these different connections to classist and elitist cultures. But I do think that as long as it’s created from a person, it’s art. If it’s created from a human, if it’s created from our experiences and how we navigate the world, then it’s art.

We’re creators. That’s what artists do. We create.”

Shiner: “It’s like writing an essay. Your points need to flow in a way that feels resonant to a reader. It’s cool to think of it like that, because it actually feels like you’re working on something and putting it out there and not just judging yourself on whether you sound funny talking in front of a group of people” Chu: “It’s hard to talk to people without people being afraid of saying the wrong thing, and so it’s a good platform for me to be, like, ‘OK, here’s my thoughts about my identity, you have to listen, and it’s OK to laugh if I’m acknowledging certain parts about my life. But it’s tricky.”

9

When I (a Teacher) Kissed (Another) Teacher Oberlin Professors on Love

BY ZOE JASPER | STAFF WRITER

It’s time for another Oberlin faculty couple to let us into their private lives. This issue, I had the pleasure of talking with Holly Handman-Lopez from the dance department and Tom Lopez from the TIMARA department.

So how did you folks meet, and how long have you been together?

Holly HandmanLopez: We met sixteen years ago when the dance department brought me as a guest for three weeks. Some colleagues in the department introduced us my first day on campus, and I thought, “He’s so smart and kind...and not my type.” Ha! I was very taken with him by the time I left three weeks later; we stayed in touch, found a way to work on a project together later that year, and have been together ever since!

Tom Lopez: We met when it was cold and snowy. I threw snowballs at her and we wrestled in snowdrifts. One of our first dates was in the dark because a severe winter storm knocked out the electrical grid; we still celebrate a nuit blanche every year. We also survived a long-distance relationship because I was teaching here in Oberlin while Holly was dancing professionally in NYC. On weekends, she would hop on a bus heading west, I would start driving east, and we would meet at random motels in the middle of Pennsylvania. One of them had a bar with a dance floor and pole (if you find that bar you might see a framed picture of us on the pole).

What is it like working with your partner?

H: The BEST! Originally, he had to help me find my way into his music, as it is more complex than many of the pieces I’d worked with during my years in NYC, but he’s super creative and patient, so we’ve made some cool work together. This past semester we taught a two-course StudiOC cluster, and that was really amazing. I knew he’d be very thorough and prepared, but he was also incredibly sweet with the students in a way I hadn’t anticipated. It was also nice to have the prep and class time together as we can both get so busy that it’s challenging to find enough “us” time.

T: One of our first projects together involved connecting Holly to medical sensors while she danced so I could use the data from her heart rate, breath rate, muscle activity, etc. to control video and audio in real-time. She didn’t know this at the time, but it was actually an elaborate ruse to outfit her with a lie detector test - she performed truthfully! Collaborating on creative projects revealed our deeper selves to each other; after that, raising children together has been easy.

What do you think is the hardest or worst part about the college dating scene?

H: The “fishbowl,” as we used to call it in my day.

Having an audience on every move can be excruciating, especially for a private person.

T: Back in my student days here [the ’80’s], there was a lot of anxiety because HIV/AIDS was beginning to explode. There was very little information and very few medical options back then - it was stressful.

Also, I had a hard time remembering the handker-

chief code, I kept sending mixed signals. I still use them, but nobody seems to get it. I was totally oblivious to another issue that I only recognized in hindsight: my naive experience in high school left me seeking dates with someone who was “smart, funny, and attractive.” Yup. I had no idea that other people in college (just like the real world) had a whole host of other motives for seeking dates; for sex, for love, for status, in search of a life partner, to resolve parent issues, and so on.

Wait, what?

If you could give one piece of relationship advice to Oberlin students, what would it be?

H: Be yourself! You’ll never be comfortable or happy trying to be the person you think someone else wants. And don’t forget to shower.

T: OK, this will be dorky and preachy, but what the hell...

Everyone has lines they will not cross. Know where yours are and honor them. Also, I think everyone has a superpower.

Know the source of your strength; cultivate it, encourage it, share it, and use it to improve the world - doing that will attract awesome partners!

OK, THIS WILL BE DORKY AND PREACHY, BUT WHAT THE HELL...

EVERYONE HAS LINES THEY WILL NOT CROSS. KNOW WHERE YOURS ARE AND HONOR THEM.

12

PHOTO BY HOLLY HANDMAN-LOPEZ

My EXCLUSIVE Interview with Palehound

BY PJ MCCORMICK | ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Last year, as a contributing writer for The Grape, I submitted this article for the Arts + Culture section after Palehound played a show at the ‘Sco. It was rejected! Now, though, I edit this section, and I can print whatever I want.

Take that, Luke and Jake!

Boston indie-rockers Palehound descended upon the Oberlin ‘Sco this week, and totally shredded. The group, fronted by songwriter Ellen Kemper, jammed out hardcore with rockin’ riffs and also included a bass guitar player (for non-music heads, a bass guitar is like a guitar with fewer strings).

Earlier in the night, I got the chance to ask Palehound a few questions about how the sausage is made. The interview has been edited for clarity, and took place over FB messenger. hey palehound! My name’s PJ (he/him) and I’m a writer for Oberlin’s alternative newspaper, The Grape (http://www.theoberlingrape.com/). I was wondering if you’d be around for a short interview before or after your show on Thursday? Really looking forward to it! Thanks, and let me know if you have any questions!

Palehound’s Facebook Account: yup! before would be better Perfect! any idea what time?

PFA: not really? our load in is at 6 and then we will probably have to sound check. can I message you when we get there and have a better idea of things?

Sounds great! lemme know if you’re gonna have time! totally understand if you don’t; but should only take about 5-10 min and will be a little silly! *** Unfortunately, my exclusive interview was cut short there. To supplement it, I provided a comprehensive list of all of the questions I had prepared (were the interview to be longer). I implore you to consider how interesting the answers for these questions could’ve been! In this way, readers can use their imagination, which is probably just as good.

New twist on an old classic: If you were stranded on a desert island, but could be airlifted the releases of one contemporary artist as soon as they came out, who would you choose, and why?

You’re playing a lot of colleges this month! Are there experiences that you get out of playing shows at colleges that you don’t get playing larger venues?

A lot of your most recent album, A Place You’ll Always Go, was inspired by loss. How does your relationship with those songs and themes change with heavy touring?

What did you know about Oberlin before you came here?

What’re your first impressions?

What’s your favorite color?

You went to Sarah Lawrence just a few years ago. How did you find that the liberal arts experience affected your experience as a songwriter?

I am getting a new dog. What should I name it? (Note: this is because the name is Palehound; skip the question if they don’t seem like they’ll get it).

You’re playing with a lot of great artists this tour (Jay Som, Protomartyr, Mistki). Who is your dream tour-partner?

“Creep” came out 25 years ago today! What’s your stance on the classic Radiohead song?

What’s the first song you ever covered as a band?

What’s your pet peeve about being in Palehound? (This is another joke about how they have hound in their name).

What’s the Deal With Queerbaiting?

BY BEN RICHMAN | OPINIONS EDITOR My first experience with queerbaiting was with Finny, the hot stud (as imagined in my head) antagonist of John Knowles’ novel A Separate Peace. Set during World War II at an all boys school, the novel, which I was forced to read in my high school English class, tells the story of two straight boys who become obsessed with each other. As I lay in my bed alone reading about their adventures riding their bikes to the beach where they would sleep together beneath the sunset, I couldn’t help but think these kids are definitely super gay. But no, the homoerotic undertones were never developed, or even discussed in my English class. Knowles himself rejected any queer readings, but that didn’t stop my hopeless romantic highschool brain from placing myself in the novel. I imagined camping out on a secluded beach with a seemingly straight friend. Eventually in my fantasy after tossing and turning next to each other Brokeback Mountain-style, he would admit that he was also secretly gay. Of course, just like the characters in the novel, the seemingly straight characters in my life turned out to actually just be straight.

If you don’t know, queerbaiting describes the practice within popular culture of hinting at a queer relationship between straight characters in order to attract a queer audience without ever delivering on the romance.

This can be seen through homoerotic jokes, flirtation, and seemingly queer relationships between close friends that reveal themselves to have only been figments of the queer viewers’ hopeful imagination. Our popular culture is filled with homoeroticism that is merely for the sake of attention—or worse, for an easy punchline. There are countless comedies that revolve entirely around two straight characters being mistaken as gay.

Almost every sitcom has had this moment and the two characters are always comedically revolted by the confusion. For female characters, this often takes the form of queer relationships that are purely for the male gaze, as seen through Betty and Veronica’s kiss on Riverdale. As queer relationships are belittled and trivialized in mainstream media, so are queer aesthetics used by straight celebrities to help their careers. From Katy Perry to Miley Cyrus, artists often hint at

queerness to show their edginess, despite the fact that once they are in a heterosexual relationship their supposed queer explorations become a distant memory, never spoken of again.

Queerbaiting is not isolated to entertainment. On our own campus many straight people engage in similar behaviors; flirting jokingly, getting intimate with their straight or gay friends and taking on queer aesthetics for the social capital. There is nothing wrong with a joke here or there or an intimate moment with a friend; I would, however, advise straight people to be conscious of how they interact with their queer friends. For someone that has not experienced the isolation and shame that can often come with queer identities, these flirtations and jokes seem harmless yet can come off as mocking, misleading, and simply annoying. Sometimes, without realizing it, straight people’s good intentions can play into larger trends.

Even after I came out, I still found myself encumbered by my malfunctioning gaydar.

I continually confused gaydar for wishful thinking. I would let myself develop crushes on straight boys, pining that maybe they secretly felt the same way. Spoiler: that never ended well. The more I talked to queer friends the more I realized this wasn’t a unique experience. Specifically, in gay male culture, often white, masculine men, are seen as most desirable. On Grindr, this trend shows its ugly face through the many “masc looking for masc” bios, as well as bios which specify “No fats, no fems, no Asians.” There is also the overflow of gay porn, which have the words “straight jock” in the title. This toxic straight white fantasy doesn’t translate well to the real world and isn’t helped by misleading homoerotic intimacy from straight friends. This is complicated even more as people explore their identities and experiment with their sexuality.

On this campus especially, it can be confusing to navigate queerness as we all try to suss out our continually changing sexualities. Oberlin should be a place where people feel comfortable exploring their sexualities and discovering who they are; however, if it’s not for you, then don’t pretend like it is.

Queerbaiting can be more than moments of

intimacy or inappropriate jokes, it can also be moments of exploration without proper communication. I don‘t want to discourage anyone from exploring their sexuality, but it is important to be conscious of how the other person feels about the interaction and to be communicative if it’s not something you want to explore further. No one wants to feel like a special moment for them was just a validation of their partner’s “wokeness” and free spirit, and no one wants to feel that a meaningful relationship they had was just an experimental phase for their partner. On this campus there is a definite social capital attached to queerness and queer aesthetics.

Queerness is validated and supported here in a way that is starkly different from the world outside Oberlin, which allows for free sexual exploration and safety, yet this is diminished when straight and questioning people use queerness to gain social capital. Navigating the hookup scene as a queer person can be frustrating, disappointing, and to be honest kind of dry. Finding someone who is genuinely interested in you and capable of building a relationship can be extremely challenging in a sea of people who present as queer PHOTO COURTESY OF THE CW

but seem to always return to the comfort of their straightness.

Looking back now, I have begun to realize that my straight crushes of the past were more about my own insecurities and fears than about the queerbaiting done by others.

That high school boy who interpreted any prolonged smile or intense eye contact as a sign that an obviously straight guy was secretly gay seems like a distant stranger from who I am today (okay, maybe not so distant, but we’re all works in progress). It’s easy to find safety in unrequited crushes on people who can never like you back. Unrequited crushes are not something unique to gay people, yet I’ve noticed a trend of queer friends falling into this trap with an unsuspecting straight person. It is clear that this trend is not coincidental, yet what do we do about it? To be honest, I’m not sure. Like most issues on campus, this is more complicated than it seems. It’s impossible to always be aware of how your actions affect others yet it is important to be aware that intimacy, jokes, and flirtations, even if they’re coming from a place of genuine experimentation and exploration, can be interpreted differently by people who have different identities from you.

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Why I’m Supporting Bernie Sanders BYLIZA MACKEEN-SHAPIRO | CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Relitigating the 2016 Democratic primary now officially counts as litigating the 2020 one — that’s right, Bernie Sanders is running for President again. While we’ve luckily lost the Hillary Clinton component of the equation (knock on wood), Sanders’ critics are largely singing the same old song as before. These detractors (who, it is easy to forget, are just an extremely vocal minority; as Reuters reported, Sanders is currently the most popular senator in the country and has a fifty-seven percent nationwide favorability rating as of February thirteenth) would have you believe he is a race-blind, class reductionist, chauvinist brocialist in command of a vast army of Bernie Bros ready to harass women and minorities on his behalf. Coming from someone who fell for it in 2016, this line of attack is one hundred percent bad

the right values to back it up!) can result in them introducing legislation designed to bring justice to marginalized communities that might have otherwise never been considered.

However, it remains to be seen who exactly that elusive identitarian unicorn of a candidate is. Sure, there are plenty of women in the race, but none of them even come close to matching Bernie’s progressive track record. There’s Amy Klobuchar, who is not only opposed to the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, and universal college education, but is also a notoriously difficult #girlboss who once threw a binder at one of her staffers. Kamala Harris, a mostly milquetoast liberal who wouldn’t be worth supporting even without her prosecutorial career, managed to bring at least twenty-five San Franciscan

gic move which united left and right alike in opportunities to deride her. I have no doubt that 99.9% percent of so-called Bernie Bros would immediately switch their allegiance to a younger woman of color if she offered a more progressive platform than him (it would be really great to have a candidate who supports BDS and can more forcefully condemn examples of U.S. imperialism like the ongoing situation in Venezuela, for one), but that hypothetical candidate is just that for now — hypothetical.

This leads into one of the most common radlib critiques of Sanders: that he — gasp! — eschews identity politics. After all, he has basically said as much himself, telling supporters at a rally in Boston, “It is not good enough for somebody to say, ‘I’m a woman, vote for me.’ No, that’s not good enough. What we need is a woman who has the guts to stand up to Wall Street, to the insurance companies, to the drug companies, to the fossil fuel industry. In other words, one of the struggles that you’re going to be seeing in the Democratic Party is whether we go beyond identity politics. I think it’s a step forward in America if you have an African-American CEO of some major corporation. But you know what, if that guy is going to be shipping jobs out of this country, and exploiting his workers, it doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot whether he’s black or white or Latino.” This focus on attacking economic inequality has led many to characterize Bernie as a class reductionist, and argue that the Democrats need a candidate who is also dedicated to fighting racism and sexism.

What these critics fail to understand is that tackling these issues goes hand in hand.

Many people have argued that Sanders needs to be better at addressing racism and sexism because poverty disproportionately affects women of color. They are right about the last part, and are extremely right to be concerned about it: women of color are most likely to

been hamfisted when speaking on race and gender in the past, but considering that he has a track record of fighting for civil rights dating back to 1962 (it’s worth looking into his college activism protesting against segregation in UChicago dorms and beyond!), it is hard to doubt his commitment to the material rights of marginalized Americans. Besides, I would always prefer a candidate who has a few minor rhetorical slip-ups but actually champions the programs that would attack inequalities affecting marginalized groups to a polished D.C. bureaucrat who hides their utter lack of desire to challenge the status quo behind glossy rhetoric — and considering that Bernie has a fifty-seven percent approval rating among women, eighty percent among black people, and seventy-one percent among Hispanics, it seems that a diverse base of supporters agree.

I don’t think anyone on the Left sincerely thinks that enacting even a pivot to full communism, let alone Bernie’s social democratic reforms, would completely eradicate racism and sexism. Like many of his critics love to emphasize, these two forces are systemic — both are intrinsically built into America’s identity as a nation and both enable the disproportionate success of a privileged few.

However, it seems foolish to dismiss redistributive economic policies just because they can’t accomplish this extremely lofty goal.

No one lobbying this critique at Sanders really seems to be able to offer any alternative suggestions for ending racism or sexism, which is honestly reasonable, because no one should claim to know how to eliminate such a pervasive force. Right now, economic policies (coupled with the forceful condemnations of other forms of oppression that, despite what certain pundits might want you to believe, Bernie has already offered!) that give marginalized Americans access to the same standard of living that the privileged take for granted seem like our best shot for materially

“SO, TO THE PEOPLE WHO SAY “BERNIE’S AN OLD WHITE MAN,” I SAY: WHO GIVES A SHIT?” faith, disingenuous bullshit. To quote the inimitable Amber A’Lee Frost, “It’s Bernie, bitch,” — not only is he the only true progressive in the race, but he is also the only Democratic candidate who stands a chance of beating Donald Trump.

Around the internet, there has been much whining and moaning about how Bernie is just another “old white man” (ironically, most of the people I’ve observed saying this are my fellow upper middle class white women, who have an unparalleled ability to distance ourselves from our whiteness), and that he should make way for someone who is equally progressive, but ticks more of the identity checkboxes. That’s a nice sentiment — a politician’s identity certainly informs their political priorities, which (if they have

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parents to court for their children’s truancy while letting modern day robber baron and Secretary of the Treasury for the Trump administration Steve Mnuchin run free despite his foreclosure violations (purely coincidentally, he donated $2,000 to her Senate campaign!). Even Elizabeth Warren, who is often regarded as Bernie’s main competition from the left, is a self professed “capitalist to [her] bones,” who identified as a Republican until 1995. Don’t worry, though; it was only because she thought the GOP “were the people who best supported markets.” This is, of course, not to even mention the minor DNA test slipup where she accidentally practiced race science in order to justify exploiting her insignificant amount of Native American heritage for professional gain, a brilliant strate-

THE GRAPE

lack healthcare, occupy low wage jobs, and generally live in poverty. However, it is baffling to me how anyone can acknowledge this upsetting truth, yet not recognize how it makes policies that attack economic inequality inherently dedicated to ameliorating racial inequality. Sanders has been one of the most consistent and vocal advocates for Medicare For All (which, importantly, he defines as a single payer plan), a fifteen dollar minimum wage, and other important policies such as free college tuition. These policies are called universal for a reason — they are designed to help every member of the working class, which more than includes the marginalized people most affected by the ills Sanders seeks to cure.

This is not to say that Sanders has never

combating racism and sexism — and Sanders is the only candidate who genuinely wants to make this happen.

So, to the people who say “Bernie’s an old white man,” I say: who gives a shit? You can have your concerns about it — in fact, you don’t even have to like him! — but if you are a genuine progressive, you should be able to recognize. 2016 proved why Democrats can not win elections on a platform of bland centrism supported by identity politics and anti-Trump messaging alone. We cannot afford to cede economic populism to the right, because, as anyone who has ever watched Tucker Carlson can tell you, it is all too easy for conservatives to co-opt this message for their own malicious purposes.

Point-Counterpoint

Should we shy away from “problematic” discourse?

BY SAM SCHUMAN | STAFF WRITER

You eagle-eyed, sharp-minded Grape readers might have noticed an old “Point-Counterpoint” column reprinted in a recent issue. The topic? Affirmative Action. It’s easy to see why the Grape’s editors ran the column. It was a good, funny target—a chance for the “woke” among us to laugh at the state of Oberlin discourse as recently as a few years ago. Opposing Affirmative Action now? Good luck getting anyone to share a cigarette with you outside of Splitchers. Obviously, at a paper with a four-year institutional memory, it’s hard to say exactly why the point-counterpoint column disappeared.

But its absence raises an important question: does a taboo against the “wrong” opinions enhance discourse, or discourage it?

I don’t have to tell you that Oberlin has specific politics.

And they’re not bad politics; we start from a point where all of those fucked up -isms aren’t cool, and neither is defending them and/or their various manifestations. Without having to waste oxygen explaining why certain beliefs are bad—a task which often falls unfairly and uncomfortably on those with marginalized identities—we have more time to focus on our real goals: demolishing all those power structures Foucault

wrote about (or at least loudly paying lip service to it on first floor Mudd).

Of course, there’s more nuance to it than that, because of the simple fact that we’re not all on the same page. It’s easy to write off anyone with “problematic” opinions as a reactionary white boy or big pharma trust fund kid taking issue with attacks on the systems that have given them a leg up. But should we just dismiss—or perhaps cancel—and move on? If we’re really committed to dismantling hierarchies that perpetuate power, privilege, and oppression, it isn’t enough to build an environment where everyone (allegedly) subscribes to the “right” opinions because the alternative is to be ostracized. There’s a very real danger in equating the silence of “fucked up” views with their absence.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some “liberal arts colleges are destroying free speech” tirade. Some views are not only subjectively awful but objectively harmful and fallacious, and not all of them deserve to be amplified. What I’m saying is that there’s a balancing act going on here between the need to create a safe environment for students and the need to confront the views we claim to abhor. Point-counterpoint is

one attempt to balance these needs: a formal and controlled space for open and direct dialogue in which both sides can present their best arguments while acknowledging opposing points. Of course, it’s not as simple as The Grape and The Review showing ~both sides~ of an issue. The for-and-against rhetorical structure is by nature reductive, and many of us already know where we stand. But it’s something, however imperfect. Preemptively silencing students doesn’t make us any more “woke” than it does them.

It’s comforting to be on a campus where we don’t often have to justify or defend our reflexive opposition to views we collectively deem “harmful,” “problematic,” “fucked up,” “antiquated,” etc. And we should insist on a learning and living environment where no student feels unsafe because of their identity. But those views aren’t nonexistent just because we don’t hear them. It’s easy to create a campus culture where certain opinions are taboo. But challenging those opinions?

That takes work. Maybe this is a chance for all of us straight cis white guys to stop the Google Docs, Change.org petition activism and starting acting like the allies so many of us claim to be.

“THERE’S A VERY REAL DANGER IN EQUATING THE SILENCE OF “FUCKED UP” VIEWS WITH THEIR ABSENCE.”

Astrology at Oberlin: Why Do(n’t) We Believe?

BY ZOE JASPER | STAFF WRITER

“Sometimes it’s hard to say or know what we mean. Give yourself time and space to work things out carefully. You’re having trouble expressing yourself right now.” I read this line of my daily Co-Star horoscope and it immediately rings true.

When I attempt to express why I place so much value in my astrological chart, I can’t find an answer that feels right. Astrology is a fun and silly way for me to understand myself and others, but could it also contain hidden depths of spirituality?

According to Time, astrology can be traced back to several ancient civilizations. In ancient China, noblemen looked at eclipses and sunspots to predict the future of their emperor’s daily life. By the middle of the second millennium BCE, the Sumerians and Babylonians kept track of where the gods were in the sky by observing the positions of planets and stars. In Mesoamerica, the Aztec and Maya calendars had different cycles for the sun, moon, Venus, and possibly Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter. However, it was the ancient Greeks who set in stone the twelve star signs en vogue today. Back then, astrology was used to do anything from “working out the most fortunate time to get married, making financial deals, or assisting in the soul’s ascent to the afterlife” (Huffington Post). Today, we use astrology for the equally important task of determining compatibility with our crushes.

In our modern era where hard scientific evidence largely determines how we make sense of the world, what real value does astrology have to offer? “[Astrology] kind of just slid its way into my life,” said second year Olivia Guerriero. “There are so many memes about it. And so many people around me into it. It became a part of my speech patterns, ’cause so many people around me were describing things in terms of the stars, which is kind of an addicting thing.”

For college students at Oberlin, there is no denying that astrology has become imbued in our cultural discourse. Astrology has a dominant presence online, from the highly successful Co-Star app, and the whimsical @astropoets of Twitter, to the endless onslaught of memes based on the signs.

Perhaps it is just a fleeting internet trend, no more significant than Vine or Tik Tok, but it certainly provides us with fodder for conversation and connection.

Second year Grace McAllister emphasizes astrology’s role as a social tool: “I think astrology is so prominent in Oberlin culture because it’s a way for people to connect with each other in a low-stakes way and test the waters of conversation.

I see people connecting over it all the time.”

However, not everyone wants to have their charts read.

A 2017 study by Pew Research Centre found that in the US, twenty percent of adult men believed in astrology, compared to thirty-seven percent of women. Astrology is not based on scientific evidence or rational thinking, but a holistic process of connecting the cosmos with our emotions, personalities, and relationships. Without hard evidence to back it up, astrology is often dismissed and its believers patronized, especially by straight cis men. Underlying their steadfast belief in science is men’s toxic fear of engaging with anything feminine and mystical, let alone taking it seriously.

Second year Francesca Mansky concurs that “There’s nothing worse than a man who shits on astrology. But maybe part of astrology’s prominence in Oberlin is that this place allows things that are shit on by dudes to have a little more space.”

Unfortunately, the cultural association of astrology with women and queer people has not been lost on businesses.

The Daily Hunch sells personalized horoscopes for $5 a month, and Bite Beauty has a line of lipsticks to match each

Sephora came under fire for their $42 “Starter Witch Kit” that packaged “objects associated with New Age beliefs, divination, and indigenous practices together in one box” (Vox).

Guerriero enjoys astrology, but acknowledges its ability to snowball into exploitation. “I think it is totally like coopting spiritualism to fit a college aesthetic. It definitely goes hand in hand with having a tapestry on your wall, burning incense, and appropriating other cultures.”

Despite its flaws and critiques, perhaps astrology is more than a superficial trend. According to data from the CIRP Freshman Survey, the number of college students with no religious affiliation has tripled in the last thirty years, from ten percent in 1986 to thirty-one percent in 2016. As much of our generation rejects organized religion, perhaps college students are left searching for meaning and spirituality in other places, but without restrictive structure and expectations.

While the earth is literally burning around us, politics are post-apocalyptic, and capitalism leaves us feeling exhausted and inadequate, astrology can provide a connection to something greater. It allows us to make sense of the overwhelming and chaotic universe without adhering to organized religion.

“Sometimes [my horoscope] is exactly what I need to hear and so validating. It’s a reminder that what’s happening to me is cosmic instead of my own doing,” said second year Talia Putnoi. “Maybe it takes some responsibility off me, which I find lightens the load.”

Whether astrology is merely inspiration for funny memes or a legitimate spiritual practice, I’d like to leave you with the knowledge that the Greek word kosmos is best translated into English as “beautiful order.”

APRIL 12, 2018

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....And we all stayed the same Part 2: A storied tradition “...And we all stayed the same” is a new series that uses archived Grape articles from the last twenty years to feature how certain beloved or despised parts of the ‘Oberlin experience’ might not be as new as we think. For a full copy of the article featured below, email Ian at ifeather@oberlin.edu. Is there a facet of your Oberlin experience you think might be timeless? Let us know and we’ll do some research in ye old Burton basement.

BY IAN FEATHER | CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

You might have noticed a ton of Juul-related content from us last semester. You might have wondered why we had stooped to such lows, considering the prestigious nature of this esteemed publication. Well, as you can see from this 2013 piece below. Sophie and I were simply trying our best to carry forward a long-standing tradition of vape-related content. Obviously, we have never touched, and never will touch, a Juul in our lives--we’re just sticklers for tradition.

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THE GRAPE

A Few Words From Your New Bad Habits Editor

BY JANE WICKLINE | BAD HABITS EDTIOR Hey guys, listen up. Someone took my bike. It’s a green cruiser with a black leather seat and a red sticker on the crossbar. I’m not mad, I would just like it back. It had a lot of sentimental value to me; I really cherished the way it made me go faster than walking.

Was it a great bike? No. Was it locked when it was taken? I don’t remember.

Probably not. Am I even entirely certain that it’s legally my bike anymore? I am not. Am I abusing my new platform in publishing this piece? Big time.

But here’s the thing. I have seen this bike no less than NINE times since its first disappearance. It is AROUND. It’s being used, loved, cared for by one of you fuckers, and I want you to know that I am hot on your trail. You think you can take my unlocked bike and park it outside Mudd? I INVENTED parking that bike outside Mudd. I invented

Mudd. I invented bikes. I invented you. When I find you--and I will fucking find you--I hope you have a good team of lawyers because I am willing to make this into way more of an ordeal than is appropriate for something worth $90.

Attached is a photo—if anybody has any leads please email me at jwicklin@oberlin. edu.

In conclusion, I am very excited to be a part of The Grape family. It is an honor to work for such an incredible publication and I will do my absolute best not to let our wonderful readers down.

Best regards, Jane Wickline

Oberlin Casual Relationship Timeline

BY SOPHIE MACAULAY I CONTRIBUTING WRITER 0-7 days: Nonverbal communication It has only been a week, but already these casual partners are communicating in miraculous ways. Tinder messages have graduated from gifs to a mix of gifs and text. At Splitchers Person A recognizes Person B’s face from across the Sco, and while no attempt at conversation is made, they do generally hover in Person B’s quadrant of the dancefloor for most of the night.

7-21 days: First contact The next two weeks bring about a whirlwind of social and emotional change for this newborn relationship. Meeting up has been vaguely alluded to several times, and after an exhausting few nights of back-and-forth messaging, it happens by chance at a party. Close quarters conversation ensues. Person B say, “Wanna do poppers?” and Person A says, “What?” and then Person B says, “Nothing, never mind.” Later, they make out. In the moment, it is mediocre, but that is not important because neither has a strong opinion about the other; it can retroactively become a

fantastic kiss if things pan out later.

21-28 days: Object permanence begins to develop 3 days of no contact. Hyperawareness of partner’s existence. As Person A scans the first floor of Mudd for signs of Person B every five seconds, they wonder whether it was weird to bring up therapy in the first conversation. Finally, Person B breaks the silence, and....alright, we’re back to gifs.

28-35 days: Mating call One partner devises a thinly-veiled excuse to hook up (“Want to come over and watch the Cohen testimony?”).

This is a critical milestone of any young relationship. Sex things happen, and then, much more notably, Person A spends half an hour sobbing about their parents’ entirely amicable divorce— Person B thinks they’re being melodramatic but does their best to remain supportive.

35-49 days: Subsequent rendezvous Each subsequent encounter is a mixed bag of sincere gestures and weighted statements; Person B has an enormous crate of sparkling water but makes sure to point out that they do not drink sparkling water. Cool.

One time, Person A suggests looking through their own high school yearbook as an activity, and is not nearly selfdeprecating enough about it. They find the page with the photo of their varsity soccer team a little too quickly.

49-56 days: Avoidance and acceptance Radio silence. Who is ghosting who? It is unclear. Both parties bask in the magic of independence. When a week later Person A sees B making out with one of their mutual friends at a Union party, they take a moment to appreciate the relationship’s rapid growth and decline. Both refuse to make eye contact in passing for the rest of all time. It took a lot of hard work to get to such a healthy place!

APRIL 12, 2018

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OSCA And The USSR

BY BY ELEANOR CANNON AND MIRIAM KHANUKAEV I CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Have you ever taken a few too many undercooked potatoes, only to receive death stares from your fellow fashionably-emaciated line-standers? Have you ever vaguely noticed that your crew shift buddy, who was recently complaining about being misjobbed for a second time, has not been seen or heard from in a little while? Have you ever used two knives as chopsticks? Or a pot lid as a cup? Has the government ever tried to seize one or more of your goats? Disclaimer: I am an adoring fan of OSCA, but this comparison begged to be made.

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Stolen Soup: Stevie Edition

BY PRIYA BANERJEE I CONTRIBUTING WRITER Picture this: It’s a blustery Thursday afternoon in February and you want nothing more than to curl your hangnailridden hands around a warm cup of soup in the company of friends.

What would typically be an easilyrealized dream is complicated by the fact that you live in, say, South Hall, where the kitchen smells of the rot produced by month-old Spaghetti-O spillage and memories of ramen noodles past. All you have to work with is the strange menagerie of the post-it note claimed food in the communal fridge you would think would be less gross based on the army of exclamation points after “DO NOT EAT BELONGS TO LAURA M”.

How will you make the soup? Don’t worry. You have 300 meal swipes a semester. You will make the soup.

You’ll need : • 3 tupperware containers that will fit into your filthy canvas tote • 1 friend whose jacket has very large pockets • Pasta pot found in South kitchen • Spoon • 1 plateful garbanzo beans; Zaboo (1994-2014 R.I.P) the lemur from the hit children’s TV show Zoboomafoo (1999-2001) loved them • ½ plateful raw mushrooms

• •

•

• •

•

(Agaricus bisporus) ½ plateful raw broccoli ½ plateful raw onions; we don’t really need onions for the soup but it is our moral obligation to prevent any future salad bar patrons from putting raw onions on their salad when given the opportunity ½ plateful carrots; they will be mushy and taste a bit like crayons and that’s just fine 1 Stevie sized bowl of tomato soup Green beans; you are at the mercy of the CDS employee dishing out your green beans in terms of amount of green beans 5 salt packets from DeCafé (found in bottom of Jacket Friend’s pockets)

Instructions: 1) Enter Stevie with three of your closest friends. Set up camp in an area within close proximity to the salad bar, but far enough that your pilfering will go unnoticed by the ‘line watchers’.

2) Head to the salad bar and begin loading raw veggies and legumes (garbanzos, mushrooms, cauliflower, broccoli, onions, carrots) into two of your tupperwares.

3) Go to real Stevie and ask for a plate of whatever vegetables they have. It’s usually steamed and unseasoned green beans, which are to be avoided at all costs when dining on site, but are perfectly salvageable as soup ingredients.

Transfer your finds into the last tupperware container.

4) Get a bowl of tomato soup from the soup section and put it into your friend’s crusty Nalgene. Don’t use your own crusty Nalgene as it will be stained red and you’ll never be able to completely get rid of the smell.

5) Head Southward, you know, towards South. Make sure to go to the leftmost South kitchen because the other one doesn’t have iron supplements.

6) Take an iron supplement if you want.

7) Put all your ingredients into the pasta pot that is usually there and make soup.

8) Wash your dishes and eat all your warm soup <3

What The Signs Are Doing This Spring Break

BY ZOE JASPER I STAFF WRITER

Aquarius: Starting a cult

Gemini: Made it on to MTV’s Libra: Planning their life Spring Break and marriage with a stranger Pisces: At a meditation they made eye contact with in retreat, accidentally joining Cancer: Staying in Oberlin Trader Joe’s Aquarius’ cult and making their seasonal depression even worse Scorpio: Checking out a Aries: Going to the new sex dungeon Caribbean alone to swim Leo: Climbing a mountain with sharks just to take shirtless pics at the Sagittarius: Bar hopping summit and getting free drinks from Taurus: Eating postmates older men naked in bed every night Virgo: Marie Kondo-ing their possessions, friends, internal Capricorn: Their taxes organs