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Vol. 69 NO. 1
OBERLIN’S ALTERNATIVE STUDENT NEWSPAPER
Priya Banerjee and Levi Dayan Co-Editors-in-Chief Izzy Halloran Managing Editor Wyatt Camery Features Editor Liza MacKeen Shapiro Opinions Editor
EST. 1999 June 25, 2021
Saffron Forsberg Arts and Culture Editor
Anna Harberger Layout Editor
Juli Freedman Bad Habits Editor
Eva Sturm-Gross Art Director
Fiona Farrell, Teagan Hughes, Kira Mesch, Anna Scott, Daisy Vollen Staff Writers
Sam Blieden Web and Photo Editor
Letter from the Editors Priya Banerjee and Levi Dayan Co-Editors-in-Chief Hello everyone, it’s me Priya. I am one half of the Grape’s Editor-in-chief (my partner in crime is Levi over there). Well I am here to say that I am just so excited to be doing this here with you guys. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write over here on this page…so I think I might start a column. I think I might let you guys in on the secrets of the inner world of Priya on one day of the week each issue. I am writing this on Tuesday June 22nd, 2021 so I think I will tell you what happened to me and what I happened upon today (so far) Good morning World! Today I woke up at 8:50AM and got dressed for my 9:30 class (Media Archeology). My outfit today was white underwear, white jeans (with blue stitching), white tee, white sweater, white socks, and brown shoes. I took a little pill and ate 3 cookies and off to class I went! In class I realize that the sole of my shoe is coming off. After class ended I went to my studio. I tuned into WOBC and our Layout Editor Anna was on air! I went to Slow Train to meet with some guys (Americano little bit of milk please), and then we all headed off to our art history seminar (Word and Image in Medieval Art). Every class we get a ten minute break, and every time I lay on the grass outside the drawing domes (fully reclined). After class it’s off to the art library for me! In there I finished the crossword you will find at the end of this publication. Go home time…where I run into my awesome housemate Nico who helps me think of some funny things for this newspaper. So that’s where I am now. I predict that the rest of my day will be eating dinner with my dad who is visiting town, going to a layout meeting for this newspaper, and then going bowling with
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my special someone. Hopefully I will hit the hay early tonight…we’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow! XOXO PRIYA B.
Hi everybody! I’m Levi, the other half of the Grape Editor-in-chief. It’s really weird to be writing one of these! I only became involved with the Grape because one day during my first year when I had some downtime I checked my phone and saw there was a meeting and figured I might as well go in and make my pitch. I expected some “the conference has decided” type sitch but they were super encouraging about my writing! And now I’m here! What the fuck! There’s really nothing I’m more excited about than The Grape right now, except for the second season of I Think You Should Leave. Seeing campus life slowly creep back to normal (whatever the fuck that is) and watching everyone get to express themselves is such a beautiful thing, and getting to write about it all in The Grape is like a dream! I don’t know how to process it all! The Grape has given me the kind of community I didn’t realize was here on this campus, and all I can hope for is that we can do the same for all of you! I can’t think of anything funny to put here but I love you all and I’ll be funny at some point in the future! With love, Levi Dayan.
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
Hello Summer, Goodbye Covid Wyatt Camery Features Editor I think that the corniest thing to come out of the pandemic has been the seemingly endless commentary on how strange life is. This has only been exacerbated by the transition to normalcy. I’m thinking of trite musings such as, “Oh, you’re real!” from people you’ve only seen on Zoom in over a year or haven’t even met in the flesh; or there’s, “I can see the bottom of your face… How crazy!” from someone you are hopelessly attracted to; or how about “what even is normal now, right?” or “this is so weird!”? That last one, although pithy, is my favorite because the point of this already too long winded joke is to admit to being one of these people and recognize that “this,” being the return to “normal,” is so weird. Now that I’ve come clean, I must ask, “what even is normal?” To answer this, let’s explore the changes happening on campus this semester, what’s returned, what’s going away, and what I’m looking forward to. Firstly, and most glaringly, there’s the weather. Finally, we can kiss those Oberlin winters that bleed (and bleed) into those Oberlin mini-springs we typically get a mere taste of goodbye. This, along with Oberlin’s changes to COVID-19 policy effective June 2, opens seemingly unheard of opportunities to students and faculty. Everyday can be a study-outside-day, your professor can take class outside, you can rock your most skin-showing outfit, and not worry about your coat at a party. You can even party. Outside. These things aren’t necessarily novel, but they can at least happen more consistently. I’ve heard about visits to Chance Creek and Krieg’s Frozen Custard as some new activities that are helping students cool off in the summer swelter. Unfortunately, the weather, at least for the first few weeks of the semester, hasn’t been totally consistent, it’s been rainy and dare I say chilly on occasion. Typical Oberlin (although I should be grateful, since my AC-less village house gets up to suffocating temperatures).
Wilder Bowl is of course the spot folks flock to when the sun so much as peers out from behind a cloud in the early fall or late spring. Oh, right, Wilder Bowl looks like a WWI reenactment field, so you can keep on walking - oh, just not that way! Yeah, it’s blocked off - and find somewhere else - just not there, that’s where the excavators sleep - to soak up the sun. I’m of course referring to the Sustainable Infrastructure Project, a construction project announced on April 19, 2021 by President Ambar. The project’s integration of geothermal heating systems into the campus infrastructure will work as part of a greater 15-year old Carbon Commitment which Oberlin signed in 2006, “pledging to dramatically reduce harmful emissions by 2025, decades ahead of many other signatories,” the Office of Communications stated in their April announcement. The college actually released a plan for this construction in 2016, which trustees approved last year. While we could’ve seen this coming way back before we were all applied to Oberlin, it makes it no less irritating and inconveniencing. And jarring. It’s certainly upsetting, and seemingly counteractive, to see construction workers chopping down trees which I think are pretty key to our ecosystem, or at least that’s something my ENVS friend said. It’s also pretty infuriating living adjacent to a noisy construction site when you had plans to, you know, sleep in. While these negatives are so glaring, it’s easy to lose sight of the greater purpose of the project. Oberlin has been fairly transparent (that is, if you did any reading beyond emails) about this project that is doing net-good for the environment. It makes sense that they would undertake the project this summer, too. To my knowledge, they did not anticipate that this would coincide with a pandemic that would bring about the first mandatory summer semester. So when you’re already late to class and construction workers are making your path to class twice as long, remember that those points off of your final grade are helping save the planet. Or at least Ohio.
So, how can we both enjoy the summer weather and escape construction-induced headaches? Well, I suggest that you can go inside. No really, it’s actually exciting to be inside again. I honestly didn’t feel like masks were the biggest inconvenience in the world last year. In fact, while I recognize the privilege of being able to go to school during the pandemic, I didn’t feel too imposed on by ObieSafe protocol. Until I was told I didn’t have to follow those guidelines anymore. It was, to quote a modern day prophet, “fuck it, mask off,” for me as soon as they gave us the thumbs up. And they definitely gave us a very quick thumbs up, which was weird, but with Pfizer’s vaccine (yes, that’s a flex) coursing through my veins, I felt invincible. So how am I going to show how invincible I feel? I can go to my classes without a mask, or, ohh yum, I can eat in Stevie again! Yay, everyone, c’mon, let’s go to Stevie! That’s what I missed most over the pandemic! Apologies for the sarcasm, because I am genuinely looking forward to not only eating inside again, but going to the Apollo, the Cat, the ‘Sco, parties, and even Mudd. Sadly, this summer we’ve had to say goodbye to a few things other than COVID and Wilder Bowl (at least temporarily - it’s unclear based on the information on Oberlin’s Carbon Neutral information website, but I’ve heard rumors floating around about Wilder Bowl being finished by midsummer). Lord-Saunders (A-House), Umami, the new fan favorite, and the Rathskeller, the veteran fan favorite, are all closed for the summer. While food from A-House and Umami are still being served at DeCafé, it is definitely disappointing that they had to close due to construction, particularly A-House since it’s a popular spot for in-house dining. Hopefully these will reopen in the Fall, but the precise timeline of SIP isn’t exactly clear. Fortunately, the Summer protocol changes to ObieSafe confirm that “grab-and-go options will be available on a long-term basis,” which I appreciate as it affords more freedom for when and where you want to eat your meals, or at least balances out the freedom while dining options are limited. Alas, we still wait for co-op
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What’s Up With The Gays? Anna Scott Staff Writer As Pride month is in full-swing, it only seems fitting for The Grape to figure out what is going on in Oberlin during this particularly queer month. So, I decided to sit down with Oberlin second-year Beaux Watwood, one of the organizers behind the Oberlin Pride celebration happening on June 26th, 2-5 PM in the science center bowl, in an attempt to understand what’s up with the gays. Beaux (they/them) grew up in New York City and has been going to Pride since they came out when they were 14 years old. They said that they’ve had “medium-quality experiences with New York City Pride.” “It’s really hot and sweaty and there are a lot of cops, Chase Bank is there, and you get Disney stickers.” It’s true, corporations capitalizing off of Pride by bathing everything in a rainbow has become an unfortunate staple of the month. But all in all, Pride celebrations have been about much more than free merch from rainbow-washing companies. “Mostly I like to go because it’s sunny, there’s music, there’s dancing, and everyone gets drunk at about 2PM,” Beaux says. Although the originally planned musical artist Elah Hale won’t be performing after all, this event will still be the “explicitly queer TGIF” that was promised, with music, dancing, and maybe even a guest apperance from OSLAM. Through partnerships with groups such as OAsis, SIC, MRC, Zami, OSlam, and PRSM, Oberlin Pride will center consent and safe sex by giving away free condoms and dental dams, along with resources and infromational cards. Beaux says that they want Oberlin Pride to be more mutual-aid focused. This is reflected by a sex toy raffle with 3 $100 gift cards to 3 Black trans-owned sex toy brands. The money from the raffle go towards For The Gworls, a Black, trans-led mutual aid collective.
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Beaux stated that a positive note from the planning-side of things has been that Oberlin has been really supportive throughout the whole process. It sounds as though the college is excited about students having an interest in putting on events for this summer, and is willing to give the funds and resources that are necessary for students to have a solid pride celebration. To accompany these Oberlin Pride festivities taking place during the day, Pride Prom, organized by Drag Ball and Black Queer Group, will follow in the ‘Sco from 8-11:30 PM. There will be a photo booth, punch, snacks, and dancing. It should be a perfect chance for Obies to relive their high school years, but this time in an incredibly “out” and proud manner, and who could resist getting excited for that? Although the school isn’t taking the lead in organizing all Pride events, the MRC has put together a couple resources for this month. On June 23rd, the MRC is having a “Beyond the Binary” training to “guide participants through personal reflections to unpack their understanding of gender and the larger representations of the gender binary.” On June 29th, the MRC is hosting a session called “What’s In the Plus?” which will prompt attendees to learn about identities in the plus sign of the LGBTQ+ community. “I do think that it is pretty frustrating that we have to be here in June, so that is one of the reasons that I really want to have this,” Beaux stated. Although these Pride Month circumstances, and summer situation in general is not an ideal one for many, Beaux shares that they just “really want there to be some sort of pride, and I think it is also a really cool opportunity for pride to be something more centered around the queer people that it is supposed to be centered around.”
Art by Ella Causer ‘22
Hello Summer continued dining to reopen in the fall... Another major change is the departure of Assistant VP and acting Dean of Students, Adrian Bautista. He will finish his 22-year long career at Oberlin on July 16 and prepare to head to Skidmore College the coming academic year. This news comes on the heels of three others in the administrative office, Meredith Raimondo, Dana Hamdan, and Matthew Hayden, announcing their departure from Oberlin in the past three months. Like other publications on this campus, I could investigate, speculate, and review the reasons behind and the impact of this onset of administrative turnover. Instead, because I’m more curious about the people behind the events, and more importantly, because Bautista has been an important and friendly figure to me since I arrived here in 2018, I asked him a few questions about his, and Oberlin’s, transition. Looking back at the many hats he’s worn at Oberlin, Bautista shared a picture of a figurine featuring the many titles he’s had pasted on it, gifted to him by former Campus Safety Director Marj Burton when he received his Ph.D. in 2013. “I am particularly proud that I’ve been able to serve the institution in a variety of roles across both academic affairs and student life,” he adds, specifically citing “creating and teaching a First Year Seminar, teaching Latinx Oral History and partnering with community organizations as part of the course, and serving as the Mellon Mays Undergraduate Fellowship (MMUF) Coordinator and organizing the first-ever MMUF Midwestern Regional Conference.” Regarding the First Year Seminar Program, Bautista began teaching Erotic City: Prince and a Purple Urban Imaginary in the fall of 2018 when I was lucky enough to land a spot in the course. The class sparked a relationship between me, a deeply anxious first year, and him, not only a person with a senior position and long history at Oberlin, but also someone extremely approachable and eager to chat about anything from campus life to Prince’s coolest guitars. Speaking of Prince, I asked Bautista about the significance of the Purple One, and his
relevance to Oberlin’s curriculum: “Three years after you were in my First Year Seminar on Prince (Erotic City) we have continued to discuss new learning experiences and events around His Royal Badness. That alone has been rewarding for me. For nearly half a century (including since his death in 2016), Prince has been a pillar in the world of music and pop culture. Prince is a lens through which we can examine and rethink all matters, including masculinity, politics, race, gender, spirituality, disease, identity, sexuality, poverty, and more.” Further reflecting on favorite memories at Oberlin, Bautista shared, “It may seem silly, but I’ll actually miss walking my dog Goose around campus at night and enjoying the sounds of instruments, students having fun, or the beauty of Tappan Square under the moonlight. Of course, there would be an occasional moment with Goose behind Kahn of the smell of a certain substance making her sneeze. And I will certainly miss the conversations with colleagues and students.” That certain substance was of course learning and labor. Looking towards the future, Bautista shared what he’s looking forward to in his new position. “I’ve heard there are similarities between Oberlin and Skidmore students, so I am eager to meet Skidmore students and learn more about these as well as the differences,” he says. “I am eager to join a new team and see what we can continue to build. I am excited to be part of Skidmore President Marc C. Conner’s leadership team, particularly given his commitment to diversity and inclusion. And as a midwestern ‘kid,’ I am excited (and a bit scared) to experience a new geographic location. And lastly, during the pandemic, I started a new hobby of birdwatching and photography. My colleague Assistant Dean Thom Julian has already shared an article with me about the fabulous birding in and around Saratoga Springs.” Offering some parting words, Bautista told me what he hopes most for Oberlin in the future as it emerges from the pandemic: “I wish Oberlin nothing but success in navigating this historical mo-
Death to Tradition: Are All Oberlin Traditions Dying? Anna Scott Staff Writer With the pandemic altering the way that students across the country have been able to attend college over the past year and a half, school traditions and the typical notions of student life have been challenged and changed drastically. Covid-19 has had a significant impact not only on the way that students express themselves inside the classroom, but also outside of the academic sphere of campus life. Oberlin’s response to Covid-19 was swift, protective, and cautionary, offering the opportunity for Obies to study in person, a privilege rare to many college students during the 2020-2021 academic year. Although school resumed, with every one of the three semesters bringing slightly more freedom and normalcy, Oberlin tradition is one piece of the pandemic puzzle that has struggled to survive. Fortunately, Oberlin is a special place that offers many opportunities for tradition to be passed down, no matter the state of the world. But, there are some annual events that were not experienced in the past year that may never be picked up on by future generations of Obies. Without a relentless passion for up-and-coming artists at the ‘Sco, mud wrestling in front of co-ops, Drag Ball coordination and fundraising, or running 12 chaotic laps around the second floor of Mudd, the third and fourth years will have failed the first and second years of Fall 2021. As a new recurring column for the Grape, I will be dissecting the many Oberlin traditions that have been altered over the past year due to the Covid-19 pandemic. For the sake of the 2020-2021 first years at Oberlin and the first years to come, I think it is necessary to understand what traditions from years past were missed, and what they might have to look forward to as these traditions are hopefully revitalized. Congruently, although deep traditions may struggle to stay alive, and require special attention to be maintained, the strangeness of this time has also allowed there to be new traditions birthed by the younger generations of Obies. New traditions offer these next generations to make Oberlin their own as they spend their four years here, but it is the deep and historical traditions that connect new and old Obies, and make this place the weird and memorable college experience that it is. To begin this exploration of the past, present, and future of Oberlin, we find ourselves at a not-so-distant annual event of Oberlin Commencement and Graduation. When the grass begins to green and the birds start to make noises in the springtime, just before finals period falls upon Oberlin’s campus, fourth years, fifth years, and all those in between who are preparing for graduation begin to think about celebration. I remember my first Oberlin commencement week during my first year. As classes finally ended, those who wished to live on campus throughout all of the celebrations were chaotically moved into Dascomb and Talcott and assigned random roommates. Another requirement for staying was having a job on campus during the time. It was required for those staying on campus at this time to have a job. Luckily for me, I was able to keep my yearround student job at the AJLC garden. Also luckily for me, weeding is easy even when you are tipsy. For others, special jobs awaited them such as “bouncer,” or someone who was responsible for going to each dorm room and checking that people were moved out from the semester, a “bed-maker” for the dorms that were used for the alumni and parents who were coming into town for graduation, or “mimosa-filler,” who, true to the name, fill mimosas during the annual pre-graduation breakfast. In contrast to this year’s events, commencement is usually a time of chaos and fun, 24/7 drinking, organized events, and parties every night. Events such as Tour De Franzia were peaks of the week: masses of seniors, usually divided into different teams by the houses that people lived in, biking from student house to student house to complete activities such as bike jousting and sack racing whilst consume bags of boxed wine, eventually to finish with a skinnydip in the Oberlin Reservoir. One of my favorite sights during the week was all of the tents and campervans that were set up on the football field in a BYOB (bring your own bed) commencement-style housing situation. Other activities such as the last Long Island Night at the Feve as well as Commencement Splitchers will be hard to forget. I remember waiting in line at the ‘Sco for two and a half hours to get a wristband, with the line wrapping all the way down the halls of Wilder, through the mailroom, and finally snaking in front of Mudd. Splichers is usually high energy, with the anticipation of seeing your crush dancing on the stage under the strobe lights, or the thrill of sneaking in with some Tito’s inside a water bottle, but Commencement Splitchers is a different animal. The last Wednesday night before graduation, everybody on campus gravitates towards Wilder at 8:00 PM sharp to sit on the hard tiled floor for two hours until a wristband is secured. You see, back before the pandemic hit, the ‘Sco wouldn’t open until 10 PM, and Mama Sco, the Queen of the
Dionysus Disco Club, and the decider of your fate for whether you enter or not would take your student ID and give you a wrist band for kiddies (under 21) or adults (over 21). After that, every soul would leave the premise to go pregame back in their homes until about 11 PM at the earliest. The ‘Sco during Splitchers doesn’t typically pop off until later in the night, but during commencement, hoards of parents, former Obies, and first years make a break for the doors of the disco club as soon as possible. Sweat-covered backs and sloshing pitchers of beer mix and mingle as “Gas Pedal” by Sage the Gemini bursts everyone’s right eardrum. Soon-to-be graduates, fresh off of a shotgunned Four Loko, find themselves dance-battling their English professor, a game of intense pool is somehow used as a pick-up line, and the ramp right outside DeCafé encases the largest cloud of cigarette smoke. During my first year at Commencement Splitchers, standing in the long line and anticipating the night ahead of me, I remember meeting an alum who had graduated 30 years prior, but still came back every other year to celebrate. I even met a man named Greggor who had biked across the entire country with his wife in order to make it to their reunion, as they had never owned a car. The commitment to this place, and the memories that formulated for me through these commencement traditions are ones that I will never forget. Although this past year was unique, and commencement festivities could not have been possible in the same ways as before, it is disheartening to know that Oberlin is trying to keep it this way going forward as well. With finals week lasting until June 4th, 2022, and commencement scheduled for June 5th, 2022, Oberlin is making it very clear that the wonderful tradition of commencement week is dead, a time that brings past, present, and future Obies together. I can honestly say that the one week leading up to graduation of 2019 was the most fun I have ever had at Oberlin, and it breaks my heart that so many Oberlin students will never get to experience the amount of joy that is brought during such a time of transition and sadness. I hope that with this archive of memories, current Obies are prompted to dig in their heels and rummage through their brains for the traditions that mean the most to them. And with time and a commitment to sharing a legacy, I hope we can bring back the ones that have meant the most to us. Art by Priya Banerjee ‘22
Hello Summer continued ment in higher education in which we are challenged to rethink the way things work on our campuses. If there is a silver lining to the pandemic, it’s that it forced change. We must continue to think creatively even when not forced to do so. I have no doubt Oberlin will succeed.” I’ve heard a lot of students say they feel like they’re at summer camp. While this summer is an exciting and unknown time to be at Oberlin, it’s full of
opportunity. We are very much in every liberal arts student’s favorite place to be this summer, a liminal space. In this space, those of us on campus particularly hold the power to reflect on what has been working in the past and what can work in this new nearly post-pandemic world, which has some major barriers of course. What do you want to see change? What do you want to see remain the same?
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The Grape in Print: A Love Letter to Physical Media Saffron Forsberg Arts & Culture Editor I’m not sure if you were aware of this, but you can hold The Grape in your hands again. And not only that; you can hold The Grape in your hands before thrusting it on a friend so they can hold it in their hands as they grunt affirmatively in response, promising to continue reading about, say, The Gay Politics of Marg Night or What Your Choice of Wilder Sanctum Says About You, at a later date. Yes, our dear snide—sole—college publication is back in the flesh. And what a joy it is to hold something again that so earnestly speaks to the bounding energy and color of the Oberlin experience; one that at once takes itself entirely too seriously and just wants to print and distribute physical images of your peers’ boobs. Indeed, the floating physical existence of The Grape on Mudd counters, and coffee tables, and dorm room floors has been a real-world marker of an Oberlin spirit that is usually difficult to place or document, one that is sincere and facetious, completely absurd and utterly serious. The newest splashes of whatever has made its way to the front cover peer up at you from a resolute stack in Azzy’s or King, reminding you of where it is you’ve decided to be. Sure, to write for a website is still to write. But to share a link is not to distribute a paper. If you’re a loyal Grape reader, you may be grinding your teeth reading this. Saffron, don’t you know that the Letter from the Editors in The Grape Volume 69 Issue 6 features several paragraphs on how special it is to be back in print after being relegated to the soulless confines of WordPress for over a year? Are you disrespecting the Wickline-Avery administration? Do you even read this publication you so gush over? (Answers: yes; never; and yes, of course…sometimes. Respectively). Hear me out, frothing reader! Of course I realize that The Grape being back in print isn’t the most cutting-edge of observations. But, why are we so eager to be back in print? Why is it so important to hold The Grape to our chests as we distribute its bounty, when a wider audience could probably be reached on a web browser? Isn’t the fate of the newspaper one already receding into the distance? There are many questions to be asked but what I can tell
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you right now is that: The Grape in print is an example of the beautiful, dying thing that is physical, tangible media. It doesn’t take a Record Bro or a Blockbuster Head or a Grape Arts & Culture Editor to speak on the glorious thing that is physical media, but only a person who can hold. I remember holding the first Grape I was published in. I guess it wasn’t so long ago, but I reminisce on it fondly as though it were. The Grape was the first thing I got involved with on campus—the September I was 18, vibrating with anxiety in Burton Basement because, god, everyone here is so cool. The collegiate hum of the special little Grape room with its old copies strewn about enchanted me; it felt so uniquely Oberlin in its goofy zest. And when publication day came and my funny little name was physically printed somewhere and flung around campus, I buzzed with a First-Year overseriousness I recognize now as a relish for being acknowledged through the physical. SAFFRON FORSBERG /CONTRIBUTING WRITER. To be held felt like being heard. Walking around campus and seeing people I didn’t know holding a publication I was in?! That had never happened to me before! My high school had no semblance of a Grape—or even a Review. To be printed in The Grape was to feel, for the first time, like a person who could pitch something, and write something, and have it printed somewhere other people could see it! It instilled in me a new and electric confidence that, though it feels silly to admit now, helped me grow to understand myself my first year at Oberlin. No web browser could give me such a headrush. I’ve been loyal ever since. In conjunction with The Grape, I’ve made many brilliant friends. Copies have been passed from hand to hand to hand. I own stacks of film photographs taken my first year of college—yes, I am one of those people— many with the latest issue of The Grape lounging in the background. They sit in a box along with all the issues they capture. Upon returning to my childhood home in Texas for the first time following my Fall ‘19 semester, I fetched the stack of copies I had packed in my suitcase,
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
The Grape in Print continued and presented them to my bewildered parents, hardly hiding my pride. My father, as though on instinct, immediately flipped to the trusty centerfold. “They let y’all do that over there?” he wheezed, trying not to meet eyes with some 21-year-old ceramicist’s nipples. I guffawed, forgetting this wasn’t normal, as he bemusedly flipped through the rest of the edition. You see, the physicality of The Grape is inherent to its charm. Those who have befriended me, crushed on me, and connected with me have admitted, a rare glint of Obie sincerity in their eyes: I’ve read all your pieces in The Grape. I found them in Stevie. Funnily enough, too, the first person I dated in college found me through The Grape. They swiped a copy from Mudd, read my first Opinions piece on growing up working-class, low-income, and not from a major city, and contacted me. In their eyes, I was a writer. It didn’t matter that The Grape was—is—a small publication belonging to a small college; I was a writer. And what I had written sat somewhere other people could find it, could hold it, and keep it, and find it again. Just when I think I am merely shouting at the sky, I am met with a plaintive “I really liked your last piece in The Grape. I found it in Peters.” No pasting of a hyperlink could bring such color to my cheeks! This being said, I must admit something; I was born and raised to enjoy the specialness of physical media. Having grown up in the used bookstore for which both my parents were employed, the smell of .99 records and disintegrating paperbacks haunts my dreams. I’ve hated Amazon since before it was cool to hate Amazon—Jeff Bezos, to my father, being a name for He Who Kills the Small Bookseller...or maybe just Satan. Thus, my hippie-ish parents despised modern technology when I was growing up. We read the newspaper and wrote in spiral-bound notebooks, flip phones in our pockets, well into the release of the iPhone. We burned CDs and rewound tapes and wrote letters and developed our disposables at Walgreens and adjusted the antennas on our portable radios. I took up painting and never stopped, my hands always busy, always hacking away at something tangible. A new edition of The New Yorker on the kitchen table could fill me with a visceral glee on par with a post-fourth-grade Happy Meal. Indeed, a majority of my birthday and secular, Wicca-adjacent Christmas-Yule gifts have been novels and records and lined diaries with the used bits ripped out, wrapped as though new video games. In my used bookstore household, to hold media was to love it, and to love media was to be alive. And I’d ask for nothing more. In writing for The Grape, I could find myself in the rows and columns I so pored over—well, kind of. In an Oberlin sort of way. And so here you are, reader, holding The Grape once again. I hope this first Summer Edition is just as spirited, silly, snide, and sentimental as all the others. I hope, too, that you notice that great smell of newsprint hanging in the air. Did you notice the satisfying weight of The Grape in your hands? What about the way it spreads on a table, and needs no charge, and never, ever notifies you of a Tinder match? It’s part of the experience.
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
Lorde Returns to Earth, Via the Sunny Route Fiona Farrell Staff Writer
June 11th: after a four-year sojourn into the musical unknown, Lorde has come back to us. We are overwhelmed. By we, I mean everyone - not simply those of us who pledged our souls to the singer in 2012. It seems that her newly-released single, titled “Solar Power,” has indeed caused something of an uproar across the globe (i.e. Twitter). Some are rejoicing over what appears to be Lorde’s sunny and revitalizing rebirth. The entrance of a so-called “happy phase” into the long-familiar room of dreams and darkness. Others are not yet ready to leave this room; others feel that it is no time for vibrancy (will it ever be?). It’s hard to really blame the latter group, which consists of not only die-hard fans but also Lorde neophytes (like myself). Even us non-believers don’t think of early Beach Boy-levity when we think of Lorde. Instead, I recall who my best friend cried along to in the bathroom during eighth grade Spanish class. She would return ten minutes later with an eerie smile and a “Lo siento” spoken like this earthly realm’s great cosmic visitor. This is what some time alone with the sage does. Lorde works in mysterious ways. Or at least, did. But that’s a conclusion I’d rather not jump to prematurely. “Solar Power” opens up with Lorde’s declaration that she “hates the winter.” She is casual and self-assured, as is the simple acoustic melody that softly hums behind her. We are brought into the world of coldness and readilycancelled plans - and then swiftly pulled out of it. In a
charming ascent to the height of summertime reverie is where the song finds its true power. After hearing the extremely quotable “I’m kind of like a prettier Jesus,” we settle into the strident whimsy of “Solar Power”’s chorus. Clairo and Phoebe are busy “ah ah ah ah aaah”ing away. We are implored to forget about the tears that we have cried, to relish a “new state of mind” that can serve as a reset to the gloom of Before. Lorde checks in to see if we’re along for the ride - “Are you coming, my baby?” The song goes on like this for another couple of minutes, rounding itself out with a triumphant ode to the Big Star. The light that not only shines, but shines on us. A positive message, if there ever was one. Lorde’s happiness stems not simply, or not only, from that ethereal beachtime bliss, but also from an apparent sense of selfactualization. One that feels quite potent in those around her, too. What’s the big fuss about, then? Before I talk about the “old” vs. “new” Lorde, there is one other thing that comes to mind. That is, that the song’s novel positivity does aliken itself to something that we’d see on a deodorant commercial. This could be deeply troubling news. There are few things more performative than an ad for Secret. “Solar Power’s” music video doesn’t exactly help matters in this regard. We open on Lorde basking in the sun in a yellow two-piece...outfit (it is certainly not a swimsuit). As the camera pans out, we notice that she is surrounded by other women donning less eye-catching beach attire. As Lorde gets up and begins to graciously prance around, the scene grows larger than expected. There are
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Knock, Knock! Who’s There? Anna Harberger Layout Editor It’s where we sleep, where we eat, where we forget to take our SSRIs before class, where stagnant Nalgenes go to get mildewy...it’s our Oberlin College Dorm Rooms <3 In this recurring column, I will be your fearless (fearful? neutral?) guide into some of the most captivating singles, doubles, and quads on campus to get an exclusive glimpse inside the heads and hearts of fellow Obies and their respective rooms. All are welcome and encouraged to participate in Knock, Knock! Who’s There?.. We love all types of dorm rooms/setups and want to see your natural habitat. Any privacy and other kinds of spatial boundaries will be discussed prior to the interview and respected during our hang :-) We will not write about or see anything you don’t want us to, but do we love weird shit?? Oh yeah we do.If you or a friend have a dorm room you would like to be featured in the upcoming issue of The Grape, send an email to me (aharberg@oberlin.edu) or to The Grape (thegrape@oberlin.edu) and we can make it happen! Now that introductions have been made, I may introduce The Grape’s first featured Obie and his sprawling Kahn double…SOL RINN ‘23! ANNA: Hi Sol, let’s get into it! What’s the oldest thing you have in your room? SOL: Um, let me have a look around. Probably some, like, audio gear. ANNA: What kind of gear? SOL: I have some really old cassette players and stuff. Well probably from the ‘80s, so not that old I guess...I have some really old pictures of my dad. Like an old photo booth thing. ANNA: Oh cool! From a [physical] photo booth? That’s awesome, where’s the picture? I was thinking Sol meant the “Photo Booth” application on Apple computers, so I was definitely in for a surprise when he pulled out a small strip of old school photo booth diptic depicting his dad in a tie-dye t-shirt staring blankly into the camera. Sol’s dad was in his early 20s in the photo and made sure to keep it zany for the second picture where he can be seen with an unlit cigarette in his mouth and dark sunglasses on. ANNA: What’s something you use everyday in your room SOL: My bed and toothbrush. ANNA: I see knitting! Do you knit everyday? SOL: No, not everyday just when i feel like it ANNA: What inspires you to knit? SOL: My mom knits a lot of hats, so… ANNA: Sol loves his mom! SOL: It’s true. Oooo, you got me! [collective laughter] While he may not be knitting everyday, Sol is definitely a yarn pro! He is currently knitting (and almost finished with) his first bigger project which is a lovely straight-knit, black and maroon color block scarf. Be sure to cheer him on towards the finish line when you see him around campus!
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ANNA: This is a cool set of shelves. What do you have here? SOL: Some effects pedals, tape players, pills, [cleaner], and a sketchbook. ANNA: Cool. Tell me about what you decided to put up on your walls… Your favorite? Least fav? Proudest? Most embarrassing? SOL: Some of my favorites are the Lil Ugly Mane flag. ANNA: Oh, you moved it from your window to the wall? SOL: I did. I couldn’t open the window. I liked it [in the window,] but it gets pretty hot in here sometimes and you gotta open the window. And to think there was a time when we could see Sol’s Lil Ugly Mane flag on our way in and out of Go-Yeo...C’est la vie! But really though, I’m thrilled he’s moved it to a more central spot in his room where he may gaze upon it while doing whatever he’s doing. It’s a pretty fun flag. I thought it was Rick and Morty at first because it has all of this lime green on it and stoner fonts, which would’ve been cool too. But no more talk of my journalistic shortcomings, let’s get on with Sol’s Wols. SOL: I really like my John Woo’s The Killer poster. ANNA: Why? SOL: It’s one of my favorite movies. My
sister got it for me for Hanukkah. ANNA: Ah! You’re Jewish, yeah? SOL: Yes [laughter] ANNA: Cool!! Me too! [laughter] SOL: Hell yeah. My most embarrassing is probably this giant Mortiis flag. ANNA: Ahh, yes. Mortiis. SOL: But I also love it. ANNA: Yeah it looks awesome. It has this really great goblin guy. We took a minute here to start a new recording because my phone was acting up, but rest assured the interview did continue. Sol and I came back swinging as we observed his larger poster of Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems. I asked him if he liked the movie and you guessed it, he does! ANNA: Are you into tchotchkes? If so, let’s see ‘em. SOL: I am really into tchotchkes, but I feel like I didn’t bring many of them. ANNA: Ah. Tchotchke-less! SOL: Hopefully, I’ll acquire some more as time goes on. I got some Yugioh cards at the storage lockers. So now I have a
bunch of those lying around, I don’t know what to do with them. ANNA: [sarcastically] Oh cool. I’m sure it was hard to be separated from your Yugioh cards for so long during the Pandemic? I was joking around with Sol here because I knew he got himself all wrapped up in the Great “Post-Pandemic” Storage Locker Heist of 2021 and might’ve found himself some cards that did not originally belong to him. But do not worry, dear reader! Sol clarified that he did, in fact, reach out to the original owner on Facebook who said he could have them, and got custody of his Yugioh deck the legal and proper way. (I cannot say the same for the Soviet Constructivist posters a friend found and gave to me, if those are yours and you want them back, my email is at the top of this article!) ANNA: Would you describe yourself as an organized person? SOL: Yeah, fairly organized. But my stuff tends to get kind of cluttered. ANNA: It feels pretty ‘not cluttered’ in
dent!!! Well, let’s forge on again. Sol and I chatted some more about being one guy living in a room built for two. I was surprised to find out that he’s only had a roommate for one of the four semesters he’s been on campus. His roommate only lived with him for two weeks and then “dipped,” leaving Sol with an open double to himself. Before his Kahn residence, Sol took up shop in Johnson House (known as J-House) on the south side of campus. ANNA: What are the Khan vibes? SOL: Khan is weird and really clinical. I don’t talk to [many] people here, which is kind of good, I like the anonymity of [living here]. ANNA: Yeah, for sure. That can be nice on a small campus like this. In typical Cinema Studies fashion, Sol’s abode is covered in movie posters and prints, mainly of the horror variety. He’s got Suspiria, Hellraiser, and Dawn of the Dead, among others.. They’re awesome. ANNA: So, you’re a big movie guy? SOL: Yeah… ANNA: Favorite genre? SOL: Action movies right now, but previously horror. ANNA: What’s something new you brought this semester? SOL: [gestures towards John Woo poster and Mortiis flag] These are fairly new. Some of the stuff I’ve never hung up before, it was just hidden in my room. ANNA: What’s your go-to dorm snack? SOL: Ritz Crackers, and often with peanut butter. ANNA: Aw yeah!! That’s cool.
here, [right now, though]. It’s really nice... How messy does ‘messy’ get? SOL: Sometimes, there are clothes on the floor and stuff ANNA: You ever trip? SOL: Sometimes at night, yeah.. Coming back from the bathroom or something. ANNA: Do you live close to the bathroom? SOL: It’s like wayyy down the hall. ANNA: Ah that’s a bummer, me too. Well actually, not really. It’s kind of down the hall, and sometimes I gotta hold my pee :( I live close to the bathroom. It’s really not that far. Do not be like me and lie for relatability’s sake. Even by acci-
Photos by Anna Harberger ‘23, Art by Ila Astin ‘22
Ever since this interview, I’ve been looking forward to the allergen friendly equivalent:Ritz x Sunbutter. We continued to take major journalistic strides at Sol’s place… I saw that his clothes were folded, rather than shoved in his drawers; I wasn’t sure if it was weird to ask to take pictures of said drawers. For The Grape’s readership’s sake, I am glad to report it was not. I also spoke with Sol about studying in his dorm room. Sol prefers homework on one of his twin beds over the discomfort of ResEd provided desk chairs. He studies in his room when he isn’t doing homework and/or getting paid for working at the Main Circulation Desk at Mudd Library. ANNA: Mood lighting! Isn’t it great? SOL: Hahahaha *turns on his yellowwhite string lights*
ANNA: Oh wow! You’re like the Martha May Whovier of Oberlin. SOL: (sarcastically) Yep, I know who that is. ANNA: You seen the Grinch? YOU SEEN THE GRINCH? SOL: No… Hahahaha. ANNA: *laughing* You’re kidding! SOL: I’m Jewish, I don’t really know...I haven’t seen it. ANNA: (defensively laughing) It’s not about Christ at all!! You got to watch it, Sol. There’s this lady with honkers and she has this big gun, this big cannon of lights… I continue to demonstrate the part of the movie where Christine Baranski uses her Christmas string light cannon to decorate her house. Sol seemed like he was fairly amused! ANNA: Best memory here? SOL: This [interview] right now. ANNA: What are you looking forward to doing in your dorm space in the future? SOL: I need to practice bass more. I am starting a band with a friend soon. ANNA: You have a music label with Autumn Culp ‘23 called Blank Electronics? SOL: Yeah, we have a noise label. Sol also makes industrial noise music, playing under the name Coronet. He graciously played a bit for us during the interview, even though I carelessly thought all of his distortion pedals, mixers and things were all synths! It was a whole bunch of loud fun. ANNA: Do you ever get into trouble with your neighbors? SOL: I usually just wear headphones ANNA: (laughing) Do you ever get into trouble with your eardrums? SOL: (laughing) Sometimes, yeah. I give myself a headache. ANNA: That was a great interview, Sol, thanks so much! SOL: Bye, thanks for having me at The Grape.
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Happy Birthday Big Parade! We Love You! Priya Banerjee Editor-in-Chief
and hopefully that culture persists so that you’ve got the people and the ideas that are going to realize these visions. The bike co-op was definitely integral to it.
In the last issue of the Grape, I talked to Laura Dahle, the de facto leader and only adult presence of the Oberlin Big Parade. What she told me about the beginnings of The Parade and the Bike Co-op boys who started it way back in 2001 left me wanting to know so much more. Throughout my conversations with those who have been involved in the Parade over the years, all of them have pointed to Zach Moser (OC ‘02) as the driving force behind its creation and longevity. This year is the 20th anniversary of the Parade, and as this year’s Parade Captain in charge of the whole operation, I wanted to reach out to the original founders in preparation. My attempts to get in contact with Zach proved fruitless, but I managed to get a hold of Ben Ezinga, one of the Bike Co-op boys in the inner circle during the Parade’s beginnings. Here is our conversation… CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU REMEMBER ABOUT HOW THIS WHOLE THING STARTED? It was Zach’s idea for his Junior Capstone project. And this would have been in 2001. And you know, at the beginning it was very, without any of the form that exists now, where people understand that there’s gonna be a route, there’s gonna be floats, and these people are gonna show up, and we are gonna start here and end here. When everything was kind of formless at the beginning, the principles were sort of emerging like OK this is radically open. Anyone is welcome to show up anyway that they want to present themselves or their group, through art, through dance or motion or whatever it is. The idea was to make space for that and to make a platform for those people, and just see who shows up. And I think the radical part of it was that there was going to be no organizing structure. Nobody was going to say yes or no. And you know there may have been some rules that have come into being over the years that have modified that a little, but I feel like it’s always kinda stuck to that original vision of you provide this platform and then the creativity of the Oberlin community will manifest. And it will do it in such a cooler way than you could have imagined if you tried to essentially plan it.
WHY DO YOU THINK THE PARADE WAS INFLUENCED SO MUCH BY BIKE CULTURE? It was all coming out of that same culture of, like, very DIY, a little punk mixed in, a little anarchy mixed in, a little sense of ‘well of course we can do that. Why not? This is a crazy idea, let’s make it happen’. That’s always been the best part of the Oberlin spirit. I think just about everybody who was a bike mechanic at that point ended up putting together a float. A lot of the early floats
were bike-based, and I think that aesthetic has carried through, as well. Bike’s are just the right vehicle: they’re made of metal, you can weld onto them together, they’re sturdy, you can put two of them together and you can carry a lot –you put four of them together and you can make something really big and crazy. They are the right amount of professional and DIY, you can modify them. LAURA HAS TOLD ME THAT YOU LIVED AT MAN FARM, WHICH, UP UNTIL TWO YEARS AGO,WAS STILL RENTED OUT BY STUDENTS AND STILL CALLED MANFARM. CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE HOUSE? I am so glad and a little ashamed that that name persists. That was a house after I graduated.y friend Sam Merritt, who also went to Oberlin, we bought this house at 189 South Professor Street. I think we bought it in 2006. We did not come up with the name Man Farm––that was bestowed upon us. There were five of us postgraduate guys living there. I like to think that we brought a lot of energy to the parade. We built some stuff a couple times now, we know what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. We are always happy to lend a hand on Parade stuff, like, let’s build something structurally sound that’s actually going to make it to the end of the Parade and not fall by the wayside. Man Farm, if you were curious, came from...we found in the basement of 107 East College––it’s a cute little house across from Tank––in the basement someone found iron on shirt patches, and it said ‘Portman Tree Farm’. It was what the Portman Tree Farm had been ironing on to their shirts for their softball team or their workers. There was this cool little logo of these two hands up stretched and then a tree growing out of the middle. And so people started cutting up the Portman Tree Farm words, and rearranging them into various things. And Man Farm, with the symbol of two hands holding a tree became a symbol of the house. YOU HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH THE PARADE SINCE ITS CREATION, HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT EVOLVE OVER THE YEARS? In good ways and in bad ways–or, never in bad ways. But you know, it’s a lot more professional feeling now: more professional, less anarchist. You sort of have the sense that it’s going to start more or less on time, it’s going to go along this route, and it’s going to end more or less at the same time here, and then there’s going to be this festival. I think that in a lot of ways that’s really cool that it’s become an institution in that way, but so much of the original thrill of it was not knowing that it was going to work. Not knowing that and having that always be a risk in the early parades was really a fun and exciting part of it. Everybody who was making their first floats had
I KNOW THAT THE BIKE CO-OP WAS INTEGRAL TO THE CREATION OF THE PARADE. WERE YOU INVOLVED IN THE CO-OP? I was involved in the Bike Co-op since my sophomore year, and that, to me, has always been a great example of community organizing that I wanted to replicate. You have the tools, you have the expertise, and then the culture just kinda passes down that knowledge and makes mechanics out of people who are straggling off the street. And I feel like the parade did that in an analogous way. Like OK Here’s the tools, here’s the float bases, and materials and paints. People come in with their ideas
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By Priya Banerjee ‘22
OSLAM in Person Again Daisy Vollen Staff Writer Like many performance-based groups on campus, Oberlin’s lauded slam poetry team, OSLAM, has been sorely missing opportunities to share their art in person, the way that it is intended to be heard. On Saturday, June 12, ten poets and an enthusiastic audience gathered outside. Poets and those keen to listen basked in the sun, and the OSLAM members’ beautiful words, for the first time since late 2019. The spirit of OSLAM has persisted through all of the challenges that the past year and a half has presented. Indeed, they’ve come out even stronger by evolving into a more supportive community. Imani Badillo, an OSLAM officer, spoke about how the infrastructure of the organization has changed to one that allows for more bonding and community-building among its poets. They explained that before the pandemic OSLAM was more focused on performances, but the past few months have prompted the group to check in more about how to best support one another and ensure everyone feels comfortable and safe. After months of writing sessions and casual get-togethers, being able to perform as a team in front of a physical crowd again felt extra special. The Arboretum served as the perfect stage to debut the new OSLAM. Its openness provided more opportunity for the poets to not just interact with one another, but with the eager audience as well. In the past, OSLAM performances typically took place at the Cat in the Cream Coffeehouse, or at Finney Chapel where the annual Grand Slam is hosted. And while we hope to see the slam team back in these venues soon, the onset of the summer semester and the larger shift towards outdoor events in the wake of Covid-19 have opened a conversation about what OSLAM shows might look like going forward. At slam performances sound is often the only method for interplay between poet and crowd,
making vocal response an essential part of the culture. Unfortunately, these exchanges were less common during events hosted over Zoom, making the physical distance more palpable. Congregating in the same space again was enough to reinstate auditory responses from the crowd, but the Arboretum removed an additional barrier between artist and community. Poets were finally able to see their audience and feel surrounded by their support in a way that a stage and a spotlight often don’t allow. The natural setting also brought both a literal and figurative breath of fresh air to the event. Altogether the environment was extremely conducive to showing gratitude for the poets and their vulnerability, the ability to gather and be present with one another, and for the physical world. The gratitude in the air also matched themes in the poems performed, which were particularly reflective in their nature. This event came at an un-
Photo provided by Daisy Vollen ‘22 usual time regarding the members and future of the group: it was the first show for several poets, and the final performance for others. Three audience members, former OSLAM member Nasirah Fair and officers Amy Sahud and Olivia Huntley, served as reminders that, even after leaving the club or graduating from Oberlin College, the love amongst the community remains. And while it is difficult for the team to say goodbye to its beloved members, Zimmy Chu and Zoë Luh, it is impossible to ignore the excitement in the air and the brightness to come. Thanks to the return of beloved performances and the addition of several talented poets, OSLAM retains its artistic zest. For OSLAM, this summer is going to be all about new beginnings, experimentation, and as Badillo puts it, “enjoying Oberlin in full bloom.” Thank you to Imani Badillo, Reggie Goudeau, and the rest of the OSLAM team!
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Big Parade continued to ask themselves that question too, of ‘Is this gonna work’ and ‘is anybody gonna get what I’m saying’. RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE FIRST EVER PARADE FLOAT WAS AN ELEPHANT…HOW WAS THE ELEPHANT BORN? The physical float that Zach made for the first parade was this double bike elephant. In my mind it was the life-size of a real elephant. It was rigged up so that as you pedaled the pedal on either side, they were hooked up to the legs of the elephant, so it was doing a somewhat realistic lumbering motion at about elephant top speed of 10mph. I remember Zach got it ready a couple before the parade, and it’s inaugural ride around town was at 2am on this misty morning. It’s Saturday night and people are stumbling out of the Feve, and this elephant just…[whooshing noise] right down Main Street. No one had ever seen anything like that before, and it was beautiful. It wound up being parked in Tappan Square afterwards, and it was kind of like the spirit of the Big Parade. __________________ Ben’s insights into the essential anarchist, bikecentric, elephant driven spirit that was integral in early years of the parade made me desperate to bring some of that back. The parade has definitely changed since then, for better and for worse. These days the float route is fairly limited to starting in the Professor Land of the wealthy West side of town and ending on College Street, making the primary participants and audience of the event those associated with the College. In the early days, the floats would travel far and wide to garner a greater audience of community members, as opposed to just college students. The event still acts as a unifying force between town and college, but the unity that was integral at its inception has recently become more of an afterthought. The longevity of this Oberlin tradition can only be explained by the immense involvement, support, and creative energy of the community. This parade cannot happen without this town, and moving forward, we need to remember how we got to where we are now. For the 20th Anniversary of the Big Parade I want to think back to the beginning of it all and bring back as much of that original spirit as we can. This year’s parade is of course going to be Birthday themed, so you should expect to see lots of birthday party paraphernalia marching through the streets. Because the traditional parade day of the first Saturday in May has already passed, our big birthday celebration will be held this Fall. I don’t want to give too much away...but let’s just say it will be a precious memory that you will want to keep forever.
Photos provided via Big Parade’s Facebook page
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Lorde continued other people. There are Blair Witch-like structures. Some greens. Many-a-precipice. This place seems to be the hubbub of stereotypical bohemian activity. All at once, towards the middle of the song, a collective spirit washes over all, compelling them to dance and jive with even more vigor. All under the spirited lead, of course, of their guide in yellow. Meanwhile, Lorde gesticulates on a raft that we assume is not too far off from the shore. She sways and raises her arms before her humble gathering. Eventually, they too make their ways into the ocean and then lift her up on land. We notice that someone has a symbol of the sun on their hand. It definitely is like something out of Midsommar. It definitely is like something out of a deodorant commercial. And there is, without a doubt, something unnervingly empty about that. Something that feels all-too-happy, alltoo-mystical, to ever be attainable. That will never be us dancing on that raft. We could never pull off that yellow outfit. We could, but probably will never, do yoga. This world is a spectacle. Spectacles live to be mocked.
But I think back to my friend. I think back to the Lorde that I called “sage.” Why is it that I am able to recall those memories so easily? Why does the picture remain so clear? There is something equally “spectacular” about those gloomy days. When one wallowed in sumptuous darkness that they thought was only theirs. And didn’t Lorde spur that on, too? Wasn’t she that spitting image of dark other-worldliness? Maybe we are very keen on Lorde’s transgressions, and we just don’t want her to become the next Grimes. That is very noble of us. But I don’t think that’s the entire story. Lorde is aging. We are aging. Perhaps we mourn this loss of Lorde as a tiny loss of ourselves, or a period of our lives. How easily this is translated into Twitter vitriol. Lorde looks happy now. Many of us are unhappy. Who will we share that with? Who will soften our tears, suffer with us through those stormy days? I am not so sure. Again, I am only a Lorde neophyte - I don’t know the answer. But storms always clear. And suns - even Lorde’s - always set.
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Cicadas Aren’t Coming to Oberlin This Summer, and Other Myths About Ohio... Teagan Hughes Staff Writer They came last when I was 14, clawing themselves out of the dirt like demons up from hell — red eyes flashing, paper wings rustling. They covered every square inch of the sidewalk; they claimed every leaf on every tree. They screamed day and night, an unholy chorus no window could ever shut out. If you haven’t figured out what I’m referring to yet, 17-year cicadas last came to Eastern Ohio in the summer of 2016. Broadly speaking, Ohio is dominated by two discrete 17-year cicada broods, each of which occupies a distinct geographical region. Eastern Ohio, from Columbus over to Pennsylvania, is terrorized every 17 years by Brood V, which emerged last in 2016 and will emerge next in 2033. Oberlin is in Brood V territory, as is my hometown of Athens, Ohio. Western Ohio is menaced every 17 years by Brood X, whose last appearance was in 2004. The western region of the state, from Columbus over to Indiana, has already welcomed Brood X for the summer. So no, Oberlin will not face a cicada invasion this summer. I sincerely apologize if this has burst any bubbles; 17-year cicadas are a fascinating ecological case study. Personally, though, I’m just happy there won’t be any thumb-size bugs attempting to nest in my hair on my way to Decafe. However, this doesn’t mean cicadas aren’t coming to other parts of the state — the cicada invasion is alive and well in Cincinnati and its surrounding areas (and to them I extend my deepest sympathies). Just because something is not happening in Oberlin doesn’t mean it’s not happening elsewhere in Ohio, and likewise, just because something is happening in Oberlin doesn’t mean it is happening across the state. Our vantage point from Oberlin is so narrow that we are often at risk of overlooking the nuance of life in Ohio, not only ecologically but also socially, economically, and politically. Much of the discourse about Ohio that takes place at Oberlin, whether it’s political, social, economic, or even ecological, is reductive. Perhaps the most reductive statement commonly made is some sort of complaint
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about Ohio being mostly corn--first of all, there’s lots of Ohio that’s not; second of all, what’s wrong with that? The same logic can be applied to blanket statements about Ohio being mostly flat or mostly rural. Statements like these conflate every region of Ohio with one another while simultaneously undermining and devaluing regions of the state that are agricultural, flat, or rural, among other things. I’m from Southeastern Ohio, former coal country situated in the Appalachian foothills. When I came here, many fellow Oberlin students I met didn’t seem to know such a region existed in Ohio, which is completely fine; I don’t expect anybody to know that off the bat. What does bother me, though, is a continued ignorance of the full scope of life in Ohio (not only in regions apart from Oberlin, but in and around Oberlin as well) that only seems to be amplified rather than rectified as time goes on. When I tell other Oberlin students that I’m from Ohio, the most common response I get is “I’m sorry.” It’s always half-joking, half-genuine--it’s a sarcastic remark laced with real pity. That pity is based on a warped perception of the state, filtered through the kaleidoscope of having-only-seen-Oberlinand-only-for-college-purposes. As a first year, I would often respond with as genuine a laugh as I could muster, feeling slighted for a reason I couldn’t quite name. I realized later that my discomfort came from the reductive and callous nature of such jokes. Let me say this: nobody has to be sorry. This is my home. You can be sorry that I was attacked by cicadas at the tender age of 14 or that my public high school was underfunded, but nobody has to be sorry that
I’m from Ohio in the first place, even as a joke. These jokes are rarely if ever made with malicious intent, and I don’t blame anyone for making them, but I still think it’s worth examining their motivations. Where do these attitudes and misconceptions come from, and how valid is that origin? Are they based on a narrow perspective of our surroundings, or a bigger and more accurate picture? Is it possible that they are rooted in deeper socioeconomic biases that may warrant further examination? Obviously I’m not suggesting that everyone who lives in Ohio only speaks of it with rapturous praise; there are many, many legitimate criticisms of social, economic, and political structures in the state that can and should be made. I only ask that we as a student body no longer base our jokes and offhand comments about life in Ohio on biased and reductive attitudes towards the entire state. Ohio is not a monolith and I encourage everyone to absorb everything we can about its history, landscape, politics, and social conditions, and to keep the nuances in mind in our jokes and our conversations.
By Dasha Klein ‘22
Israel Does Not Represent Us Levi Dayan Editor-in-Chief The forced evictions and displacement of Palestinian refugees living in Sheikh Jarrah is part of an ongoing settler-colonial effort in the West Bank, particularly East Jerusalem, by the Israeli government. The violence that has flared up over the settlements, as well as the settlements themselves, in many ways reflect the chasm between Palestinian self-determination and the Israeli “right to self defense.” East Jerusalem consists largely of Palestinian refugees who are denied the right to return to their original homes, while Israeli settlers are granted full permission under Israeli law to reclaim land owned prior to 1948. Despite the forced evictions violating international law, Palestinians in East Jerusalem must face an Israeli legal system stacked against them, and in the meantime, settlements are expanding at a dramatic rate. Like nearly all matters of contemporary social justice, social media has played a pivotal role in the present discourse surrounding Palestine. The intensification of the settler-colonial mission in Palestine is real, but it is difficult to look at the present situation - as well as the military assault on Gaza in 2014 - without the lens of social media. Long ignored or essentialized in previous forms of media, Palestinians (as well as allies in the Black Lives Matter movement) have used social media platforms to reach an audience these forms had shielded them from. The outpouring of support for Palestinians has been genuinely inspiring, and the speeches that a handful of congressional members gave repudiating the violence in Sheikh Jarrah and the U.S. role in enabling said violence could represent a turning point. There is certainly no precedent for any member of congress, let alone a Palestinian woman with family in the West Bank, calling out the president of her own party to his face. The social media presence of Palestinian activists, however, has also brought about a stream of bad faith smears against the movement. Referring to social media as an echo chamber, however true it may be, has become an overwrought cliche at this point. But just as social media can create a wall of confirmation bias, it can also fool people into fundamental misconceptions about the nature of this movement. Last month, music journalist Eve Barlow tweeted “did
Photo by Stephen Meliesthian via Flikr it free palestine when you generated more hate towards jews in the space of three days since before the holocaust?,” one of a seemingly infinite number of insane tweets she’s fired off in the past month, seemingly in the midst of a very public meltdown. A month ago, congressman Ritchie Torres (D-NY) wrote an op-ed in the right wing tabloid New York Post titled “Here’s why I’m supporting Israel despite the Twitter mob.” That headline may promise a devastating truth-bomb, but what follows is much of the same dreck regarding Israel’s “inherent right of self-defense,” hollow sentiments about as tired as “thoughts and prayers” and “this is one America.” Torres wrote in his article that
“Israel is under siege not only from relentless rocket fire at the hands of Hamas but also from an endless propaganda war that has taken on a new intensity here in the United States and elsewhere.” That’s a baffling statement on several levels, but the first clue that the “Twitter mob” isn’t exactly on the same level as Hamas is the person who wrote it. Torres, the first Black gay congressman along with fellow New York representative Mondaire Jones, is an ostensibly progressive congressman who served as a delegate to the Bernie Sanders campaign in 2016 and currently holds one of the safest Democratic seats in the country. The fact that he is comfortable using right-wing talking points in a right-wing tabloid speaks to just how
deeply bipartisan the rejection of Palestinian self-determination really is. And this is only a fraction of the daily trauma faced by Palestinians, at home and in exile. Indeed, if you logged into Twitter or scrolled through Instagram stories in the past month, perhaps it makes sense that you would walk away with the impression that the movement to free Palestine is a powerful threat. But as many of the same people who lecture others about the “complexities” of this situation love to proclaim, Twitter is not real life. Mohammed and Muna El-Kurd, who have raised awareness for the evictions in Sheikh Jarrah through their social media accounts, 17 twitter may collectively have 300,000
Israel Does Not Represent Us continued
Photo Muna and Mohammed El-Kurd, Palestinian activists who were detained followers, but as one of the families targeted in recent court rulings, the pogroms that have ravished the communities in Sheikh Jarrah in recent months could force them from their homes with the backing of the Israeli police. The price they have to pay for exercising freedom of speech is not the fate of being cancelled by the Twitter mobs that Barlow and Torres so bravely suffered; it’s being detained by Israeli police for several fucking hours. There is a crusade against free speech relating to Israel, but supporters of Israel — among whom include the current president, the previous president, presidents spanning decades, nearly the entirety of congress and the military, etc. — are not the victims. McCarthyism is yet another term that has been rendered meaningless by decades of overuse, but the ongoing campaign against critics of Zionism has been perhaps one of the most troubling instances of McCarthyism since the end of the cold war. If this seems like an over exaggeration, how else can you describe Canary Mission, a website which compiles the names and personal information of students and professors who dare to criticize Israel? What else would you call a list of personal information with the explicit purpose of preventing future employment? What do you make of a list of mostly Arab Americans, with their names and faces, that is used by the Israeli government
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to prevent these same people from seeing their families? In late May Emily Wilder, a recent Stanford grad and news associate for the Associated Press, was fired for literally nothing more than having opinions in support of Palestine. This was the result of a smear campaign led on by the Stanford College Republicans and cheered on by Sen. Tom Cotton, who has made Facebook posts alleging a Jewish billionaire conspiracy to steal elections in Arkansas. Irony is no stranger to the Stanford College Republicans, who led a similar smear campaign against cartoonist Eli Valley that was supported by former NYT columnist Bari Weiss, a self-fashioned free speech crusader who in reality is just a narcissistic asshole. Wilder held a junior-level position covering her home state of Arizona, and it would be insane to suggest that a Jewish woman supporting Palestine has any bearing on a state 7,000 miles away, especially while Fox News yellow journalists drink wine and go on golfing trips with the elites they defend night after night. Of course, her firing had nothing to do with speaking truth to power; this was just the AP listening to the right-wing mob of white supremacists and, yes, antisemites, declaring a nation-state to be beyond reproach even from the people it claims to represent. It doesn’t matter that both Wilder and Valley are Jewish,
because Israel and its enablers have long had a word they can use to explain criticism from the people they claim to represent: “self-loathing Jew.” This is a term I always associate with Larry David, who, in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, responds to someone labelling him a self-loathing Jew by saying “I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.” In reality, the term is used to invalidate even the most milquetoast criticism of Israel. Any anti-Zionist Jew is certainly familiar with the term, but more than perhaps any figure I can think of, the term is constantly weaponized against Bernie Sanders, the most high-profile Jewish politician in American history. Alan Dershowitz, friend and defense attorney for the late Jeffrey Epstein, called Sanders a self-hating Jew in an unhinged rant on Newsmax TV. It doesn’t matter that Sanders is a Zionist who met his first wife on a kibbutz in Israel; if he takes issue with Israeli government oppressing and killing Palestinians, he’s a self-loathing Jew. However, while the term self-loathing Jew implies a litmus test used by right-wing Jews to marginalize Jews they disagree with, these sentiments may be even more common amongst right-wing gentiles. Recently, a host on Newsmax asked “if you are Jewish and you are a Democrat and you are living in America today, how do you support an administration that turns its back on your home country?” This statement echoes one made by President Trump that Jews voting for Democrats show “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty.” His response to this statement was to quote Wayne Allyn Root, a right wing conspiracy theorist and , who downplayed the antisemitism of this remark by stating that “Trump is the greatest President for Jews and for Israel in the history of the world,” adding that “the Jewish people in Israel love him like he’s the King of Israel. They love him like he is the second coming of God.” According to Trump, Jewish people who vote for the Democratic party (which, despite the increased presence of pro-Palestine members of Congress, is still deeply complicit in Israel’s oppression of Palestinians) are not real Jews, but Root’s Judaism, despite his evangelical beliefs and comparing of Trump to the second coming, is unquestioned. And in order to even begin to understand how that could make any fucking sense, there needs to be a discussion of Christian Zionism. Christian Zionism is essentially the belief that present-day nation-state of Israel fulfills a biblical prophecy, in which the Jews rule the land of Israel until the second coming of Christ and the corresponding rapture, when - and here’s the kicker - the Jews must choose between converting to Christianity or an eternity in hell. This belief is, quite clearly, absolutely batshit insane, but also one held in some form by 80% of evangelical Christians, and the state of Israel is very well aware. As I will elaborate on later, American Jews are very, very much not a monolith, and it is unwise at best and dangerous at worst to ascribe the views of any one group of Jews Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Ashkenazi, Sephardic, Mizrahi, left-wing, right-wing, etc. - to Jewish people as a whole. That being said, while antizionist Jews remain a minority within the greater Jewish population, a significant number of Israel’s critics are Jewish. The state of Israel is well aware of this as well, and the Israeli govern-
Israel Does Not Represent Us continued ment has made a conscious effort to side with Christian Zionists, even if it means alienating American Jews, who are predominantly liberal in their politics. Ron Dermer, who served as the Israeli ambassador to the US until January of this year, stated recently “People have to understand that the backbone of Israel’s support in the United States is the evangelical Christians,” mentioning that evangelicals compromise a far greater percentage of the US population than Jews, who are also “disproportionately among [Israel’s] critics.” This sentiment has been echoed by Israel’s recently ousted prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who in a 2017 speech to the conference of the right-wing evangelical group Christians United for Israel stated “America has no better friend than Israel and Israel has no better friend than America, and Israel has no better friend in America than you.” Unsurprisingly, the American religious right has more than returned the favor. In 2018, Trump moved the U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, despite Jerusalem generally not being recognized as the capital internationally. For the opening ceremony of this embassy, in perhaps the most on-the-nose representation of the U.S.-Israel allyship imaginable, Trump tapped pastor Robert Jeffress and televangelist John Hagee (founder of the aforementioned Christians United for Israel group) to lead the opening prayer and the closing benediction respectively. Both men are vicious antisemites: Jeffreess once stated “you can’t be saved being a Jew” and claimed “not only do religions like Mormonism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism - not only do they lead people away from the true God, they lead people to an eternity of separation from God in hell.” For his part, Hagee stated that the Holocaust was all part of God’s plan to segregate the Jews for their inevitable salvation - or damnation - at the hand of Christ. Speaking of the Holocaust, he stated “How did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen.Why did it happen? Because God said my top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel.” While these two antisemites lead prayers for the so-called Jewish state, on the other side of the country IDF soldiers slaughtered more than 50 Palestinians. Three years have passed since then. This ceremony, which should have been an outrageous scandal, was barely a blip in the news cycle. While the outpouring of support for Palestinians on social media could represent a turning point, it in no way represents a reckoning. As of the writing of this article, the media is still focused on yet another bullshit fake-outrage cycle surrounding Ilhan Omar, as if nothing has changed in the past few years. Antisemitism has been on the rise for years, especially in the post-2016 era, and it’s a real, terrifying thing. Members of my family work for my local temple, which has been targeted with threats in the past, and I worry far more often than I would like that what happened to the community in Squirrel Hill nearly three years ago could happen to my community as well. But to act as if Ilhan Omar, Angela Davis, and Linda Sarsour are the faces of American antisemitism and not Marjorie Taylor Greene, Tucker Carlson, and, obviously, Donald Trump, is not just a flagrant denial of reality, but also an act of vile racism that will only get more Jews killed. Critique of the modern Israeli nation-state is not antisemetic. In fact, criticizing Israel does far more to benefit the Jewish people than ignoring its crimes. As easy as it is to equate anti-Zionism with antisemitism, any deeper look into the present-day realities of Israel shows a much less comfortable narrative than the post-Holocaust redemption stories that we as Jews are often given at a young age. When you consider that Israel acknowledges that rightwing rapture-baiting evangelicals are its greatest supporters while their American Jewish critics are self-loathing Jews, claims to be the Jewish homeland while discriminating against Mizrahi and Ethiopian Jews, and frames itself as standing in the way of a new wave of antisemitism while simultaneously supporting antisemitic world leaders like Viktor Orban and Donald Trump, and Israel starts to seem less like the Jewish homeland and more like one giant contradiction. But to call Israel contradictory is misleading. Judaism may be complex, complicated, and above all beautiful, but there is nothing complicated about modern Israel’s true religion: settler-colonialism. Amidst all of the war, the bloodshed, and lives lost, the Jewish diaspora has only become less safe as Israel expands its borders. As someone whose cultural and religious connection to Judaism is as integral to my life, and as someone who has been to Israel, I can say with confidence that I feel as much of a religious and spiritual connection to the modern Israeli nation-state as I do to Delaware. I feel confident saying that not because I am a self-loathing Jew, but the opposite: I am a Jew who looks at our history and our religious tradition and sees solidarity with the oppressed and the destruction of hatred as its all-encompassing purpose. Judaism has taught me that while there is no purpose in suffering or oppression, there is purpose in struggling against both, and just as God helped the Jews overcome the Pharaoh, we as Jews must stand in solidarity with Palestine in their struggle against apartheid. Even as the pandemic finally appears to be waning, it remains to be seen just how deep its lasting impact on society will be. However, a clear pattern around the world has been the explosions of long-simmering conflicts, often bringing a remarkable shift in political discourse alongside them. The most notable contemporary example would be the George Floyd protests, but this dynamic spans from riots in Northern Ireland to the ongoing farmers protests in India. These are old conflicts reignited by new fuel, whether it be continued police brutality in the midst of the pandemic, Brexit protocols, or corporate-friendly farm laws. Indeed, the recent events in Palestine are only the most recent example of this dynamic.
Critique of the modern Israeli nation-state is not antisemetic. In fact, criticizing Israel does far more to benefit the Jewish people than ignoring its crimes. As easy as it is to equate anti-Zionism with antisemitism, any deeper look into the present-day realities of Israel shows a much less comfortable narrative than the post-Holocaust redemption stories that we as Jews are often given at a young age.”
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Five Days in the Wilder Pit Mahoganywood Austin Spencer Blaine, OC ‘23
Reported on by Kira Mesch My name is Mahoganywood Blaine, son of David Blaine. I am a magician, an illusionist, and a performance artist. You may know me from some of my feats around campus, such as Extreme Acapella, in which the Obertones and I were suspended in a glass box from the balcony of Stevenson Dining Hall and performed an 80s hits medley of which I was the soloist. You may know me from the Exco I teach: Illusions for Stupid Fucking Idiots Like You. Perhaps, you know me from my WOBC show: Blaine’s World. I present to you my most grand trick ever: spending five straight days at the bottom of the Wilder Bowl construction pit without food or water. Day One: Hour 0500 My first morning in the pit. I wake to a deep primal urge: I have to use the bathroom. What is an illusionist to do? I am merely human. I drop a dump in the Wilder pit. Hour 1200 I’m getting hungry.
Hour 1800 My bitter rival, Chauncey Augustine Penn-Teller III (Penn and Teller’s adopted son), arrives at the pit to mock me. He asks, “Is it just me, or does it smell like shit down there?” I tell him a man must make do. Day Three: Hour 0400 I sense a growing kinship between the construction workers and I. We’ve started to have conversations. They say such nice things to me, like: “Hey, you’re not supposed to be here,” and “You’re trespassing on a dangerous construction site,” and “What the fuck, is that human shit?” I’m starting to feel like a part of their group. Hour 1500 Dehydration is starting to get to me. I relieved myself into another empty Decafe grape cup, but without water, my pee has turned brown and viscous. Day Four: Hour 1000 Mr. Houdini, the ant, looks so so tasty. He’s a friend but maybe he’s crunchy. Maybe he’s tender. His little legs would be so scrumptious.
Hour 1500 Have not pooped since the first day. Hour 2300 I eat ant. Day Five: Hour 0700 The ant came back in my dream last night. Huge insect. Held one of the black pipes along the pit in his legs and smoked it like a joint. He said to me, “Do you want a hit, bro?” I said sure but instead he dropped the pipe leaned down to me and wrapped his big crunchy legs around my neck. Ant strangle me in dream. Hour 0900 I am so sorry Mr. Houdini. I am so so sorry. Editor’s note: Mahoganywood Austin Spencer Blaine was admitted to Mercy Allen Hospital at 1200 hours at the request of his friend Crisstopher “Topher” Angel Jr. for severe dehydration and hallucinations. When asked for comment, Mr. Blaine says he hopes that his feat will have endeavored to show the real pit: human nature.
Hour 2200 I fall asleep using one of the black tarps in the pit as a blanket. I spoon a blue pipe like a body pillow. I am one with the pit. Day Two: Hour 1100 I am peeing into empty Decafe grape cups in order to preserve urine specimens from this experiment. I am sure that someday, scientists will want to study my brave endeavor. Hour 1300 I have made a friend: an ant I call Mr. Houdini. He’s very friendly and likes to crawl over my legs and arms.
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By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
Dr. Gagatha McCreampie is the world-renowned sexologist, author of Is My Discharge Supposed To Smell Like That and Other Questions, co-host of the podcast “Sometimes I Grow Mold Down There, The Fuzzy Kind” with Dr. HowieMandel O’Blowjob, and mother of four boys that all look the same. This is her first installment of Ask Dr. Gags, and hopefully the first of many! Take it away queen!
Dear Dr. Gags, I (20M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for 2 years now. We have had sex plenty of times, and I know how to do it by now. But lately I’ve been doing all the work in bed and I’m tired and my back hurts a lot. I fear I’m boring her Doc. What should I do? Sincerely, 2 Tired 2 Thrust Dearest 2 Tired 2 Thrust, You did the right thing by writing to Dr. Gags, dear boy. Though I have never found myself in a predicament like yours (people tell me I’m a firecracker in the sack…), I can see how that must be frustrating for you. You might want to purchase my New York Times Bestselling book “Dr. Gagatha McCreampie’s Guide to Love-Making.” The best advice I can give you is to try some roleplaying, make love-making into an adventure, a conquest. She’s the princess locked away in a tower guarded by a fire breathing dragon, and you’re a mere ogre, who just wants people to evacuate his swamp! Let this motivate you on your journey, maybe even bring in a third to play the sidekick (for comic relief). Or perhaps a scenario in which you promised your first born child to a witch because you were stealing food from her magic garden to feed your starving pregnant wife and she threatened your life. And then you, your pregnant wife, and the slutty witch have a threesome. Just realizing these are all threesome related scenarios...I think MY subconscious is trying to tell me something. Well darling, must go do some soul searching. I hope you eventually please your girlfriend.
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
Kisses, Dr. Gags
Ode to the Rat Avi Gurfinkel Contributing Writer You took the tired, poor, huddled masses and gave them stomach pain. When all other options were dark and
dismal, your light illuminated the basement of wilder and the cold empty chasms of our hearts. Your cozy wooden atmosphere transported us from an Ohio liberal arts college to a charming pub in the heart of Dublin. At times I can still hear the hearty laughs of your patrons, resonating, allowing me to slip into a dream-like state in
Dear Dr. Gags, I (19F) am going to have sex with a millenial. I don’t remember the OJ Trials! Are the 90s anything like Stranger Things??? Help! Love, Gen Zussy Dear Gen Zussy, Well first as I tell all my patients when they are vulnerable, march on my little slut soldier! The first time I had sex with a millenial, this was when I was barely legal and still in my fourth year of the sex advice PhD program at Lewis & Clark, it was like sheering a sheep of its wool. Because it was necessary, and it didn’t really hurt that bad for the sheep, which was me, but it was also kind of annoying and also I was naked. Just like a baby sheep, that you are so young and precious. When conversation stalls, you can always bring up the fact you don’t know what a landline is. Or cable. Or The Gulf War. You don’t know Monica Lewinsky as a late night butt of the joke whore bag, your generation praises her as an anti-cyberbullying icon! Embrace it! They will love it! Because they want to sheer you and your tight squishy wet wool. Hope that helps! P.S. The nineties were exactly like Stranger Things but because I too was raised in a lab and studied for my extraterrestrial powers. Dearest Babe, Dr. Gags <3 Want Dr.Gags to answer your juicy questions? Email thegrape@oberlin.edu for a chance to be featured in the next issue!
which chicken sandwiches are plentiful, growing from the trees, lining the landscape like endless crunchy, delicious blades of grass. The off-putting display food would greet us with open arms as we arrived at the counter. Did I ever consider getting a turkey and pomegranate sandwich with arugula on brioche? Absolutely not, but the mere idea of such a concoction was titillating none-
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Carbon Good? Sam Blieden Photo Editor
#CARBONGOOD
There’s all this talk about carbon neutral going on lately with this big “carbon neutral” project aka the project that stops me from sitting on Wilder Bowl with my friends, the place I like to sit so everyone knows that I have friends. But I have to wonder. If good > neutral and neutral < good, why are we pushing this whole carbon neutral ideology when we could have carbon good?
Unlike the late 2000s debate of #teamedward or #teamjacob, there is absolutely no debate when it comes to #teamcarbongood or #teamcarbonneutral. The choice is obviously #teamcarbongood, as good is better than neutral. We want good! #CARBONGOOD
#CARBONGOOD I mean, isn’t neutral a bystander? Weren’t we taught in 10th grade health class not to be a bystander, as bystanders are just as bad as bullying, but to be an upstander? One Person changing the world doesn’t sound so neutral to me, so move over carbon neutral and hello carbon good!
Ode to the Rat continued theless. The choice of having fried or grilled chicken made us feel like we had some autonomy over our lives, like we weren’t just sheep filing through the trough. The lukewarm waffle fries gave us a starchy break from our greasy burgers, only to be washed down by a cool, refreshing iced tea. It’s intoxicating just to think about it.
#CARBONGOOD What even is carbon anyway? I have no idea, and honestly it seems like a bit too much for my itsy bitsy brain that’s already filled with useless knowledge like who cameoed in which Muppet movie and the best places to find stupid hats, to learn about what carbon is anyway. But one thing I do know, is that good is better than neutral and that’s why I’m team #carbonGOOD.
After giving us so much...why, I ask, must you snatch it from our pleading hands? Why must you make us beg for crumbs? Clarity, Heritage, Decafe and Stevie will never have what you had. As we walk to Decafe knowing that the cold sushi awaits us, we glance at your dim, stained glass windows and reminisce of the times when they were brought to life from the light within, colors dazzling. As Joni Mitchell said, “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” In these hot, sticky summer days, we realize how we took you for granted, and we miss you more than ever.
#CARBONGOOD You know, after four years of having Cheeto Man in the White House, I’ve had enough of these bad vibes! We need more GOOD vibes. Peace and Love! Free Hugs! The seller has offered you a 20% discount on the item you’re watching! CARBON GOOD! See, it fits in so well with all the positivity going on these days. Carbon good is what we need, baby!
Good or Bad
Now...a haiku. Crispy chicken time Order 69! Laughter Take me back dear god
By Amelia Connelly ‘22
Juli Freedman Bad Habits Editor Welcome to a segment we like to call (fist pump it with me!) GOOD! OR! BAD! A little game where we tell you if something is a good habit, or quite possibly, a bad habit.
JUDAISM Good: Culture (Joan Rivers) Bad: Services Verdict: Cultural Jew
PORN Good: gets rocks off Bad: not all of it lesbian Verdict: good when lesbian
FARTS Good: When mine Bad: When others Verdict: Hand to butt, fart, then sniff hand
FLUORIDE Good: for teeth Bad: for water? I guess Verdict: Feed me more of that good shit. I want fangs! Mmm yeah refreshing
WEED Good: Cool Bad: Your friends that say it makes them anxious Verdict: Fuck ‘em! Bunch of pussies!
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GIRLS Good: pretty Bad: complicated Verdict: I still see your shadows in my room…. CRIME Good: true crime Bad: false crime Verdict: ambiguous crime FATHERS DAY Good: Call dad! Oh that guy better have some stories! Bad: What the fuck do I get this loser? He likes golf, beer, my mom, books about presidents… Verdict: Swim trunks with a fancy little
hairless cat on them! (Something I will steal later!) BEE Good: Akeelah and the ___ Bad: *Italian Accent* Mama Mia! I ah kill (keel) a whole family of __s!!! Verdict: Save the Bees! And by bees I obviously mean the spelling kind! TV Good: Shorter than movie Bad: Longer than phone Verdict: Phone break during TV BIG PHARMA Good: Mood Stabilizers Bad: Martin Schkreli Verdict: Great!
Exco Fair Juli Freedman Bad Habits Editor As students flock back to campus to take their boring ass non-experiemental classes, the Experimental College (fondly known as Exco) provides a treasure trove of student-led educational experiences for the curious minds of Oberlin. To get familiar with this whole Exco shebang, we highlighted a few of the courses offered this summer. MAN-CALA If you thought Mancala was for the dainty lil damsel in distress, well shit bitch you’d be wrong! In this No Girls Allowed exco, you will learn how to play Mancala in a way that honors your man powers! You will perfect such techniques as the blue balls stone scoop, the goth girl wrestlemania power punch, and the hey I love taking long walks alone at night triple toss. This course will require a $500 fee for lifting equipment, steel helmet, and some state of the art boards and pieces. So the next time someone says “hey isn’t mancala a game for children and little bittches” you can say “It’s Man-Cala now motherfucker!” and sock ‘em in the mables! The Third or Fourth Sex Related One What is sex? Please someone tell me. I am four years old. Party Tricks 101 Were you bullied for most of your childhood for being kind of ugly, and because of that, you felt isolated from kids your age? But now that you got hot you still don’t know how to interact with lifelong hot people at parties? Then we got the exco for you! Learn basic card tricks that will make others think “does he carry that deck of cards all the time just in case?” Or some quarter behind the ear magic that will make strangers scream “ew don’t touch me!” Maybe you will be more into making a box with your arms. You might just find yourself learning the classic Okay Somebody Dare Me To Eat Anything I Will Eat Glass For You Guys To Be My Friends Right Now. Join Today! Red Scare-co blah blah blah [insert slur] blah blah i love being skinnyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Whistle Academy Okay try placing your tongue like this see what I am doing here do exactly what am doing now BLOW IN okay okay keep blowing in well try blowing out maybe hm try kind of making a little circle with your tongue I think you are almost there wait no you lost it how about top teeth over bottom now try the opposite are you sure you are blowing in hard enough I mean blowing out ugh I give up you probably have one of these genetic conditions were you can’t do it and for that i am so sorry. Same syllabus as the following courses: Trumpet for
Beginners, Being The Second Person to Hit a Bong but it is Your First Time Ever So The Person Teaching is Kinda Imcompetant, Suckin’ n’ [Redacted] with Your Partner Is Benedict Cumberbatch hot? According 99% of people who are also preeeetty psycho, the answer is *gag* yes. In this class we will explore how his face and personality actually make him pretty uggo. My qualifications to teach this course are the fact I have never seen a single movie or TV episode that he was in but when he appears in the photo I am just pretty put off. Interested in this course but it doesn’t fit perfectly in your schedule? Try applying to my other courses “So wait, do people actually find Tom Hiddleston attractive?” and “This Chris Evans guy also isn’t really giving me anything” and “Okay do these Marvel dorks just have bad taste (or am I more gay than dork)?” How to Stop Taking Pictures of Your Friend’s Cat Perfect Little Butthole It’s easy! Just stop it! Update: As of 06/19/21, this course has been cancelled due to it being preeeetty impossible.
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22
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Comic Corner
Security Report Thursday, June 3, 2021 8:43 p.m. Officers, Oberlin Fire Department members, and an Oberlin College electrician responded to a fire alarm at a Village Housing Unit on Cedar Street. The cause of the alarm was steam from three people doing some penetrative love-making in the shower. Friday, June 4, 2021 5:27 p.m. Students reported the theft of three pairs of Parade undies from the lacrosse and soccer locker room between May 2 and June 2. The student described the stolen garments as having “battery acid scented” holes in fabric nearest to the nether region. The total value of the stolen undies was estimated at $9 per pair with FREE SHIPPING over $33! Use Discount Code “PILFEREDPANTIES20” for 10% off your first order! Tuesday, June 8, 2021 1:02 a.m. Custodial staff reported a bat flying around on the first floor of Peters Hall. An officer responded and propped open exterior doors. An Oberlin 2021 flip-flop (Congrats Grads!) was thrown at the bat in an attempt to remove the bat from its location. The flip-flop hit the bat in the head resulting in the bat exhibiting behavior officers cited as “really nuts”. The bat flew in circles for a few minutes, then was able to fly out the open doors. 8:40 p.m. A student requested assistance in opening the door to a washing machine in Firelands Apartments so they could get their clothing. An officer and maintenance technician responded. The door was opened. A rare, vintage, archival Hermès by Martin Margiela low-cut, wool, floor-length, sleeveless, nude smock dress from the 1997 A/W RTW collection was damaged from a piece of wire that was near the door.
By Eva Sturm-Gross ‘22 (Top), Henley Childress ‘23 (Bottom)
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from our archives <3 ;)
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ACROSS 1. Being in Oberlin right now makes us feel like one of these 10. What you might find floating in the sewers, also the current state of our favorite dining option in Wilder 11. You should not look at this kind of stuff at the office 12. Rand who is the inspiration behind the in-house clothing line at Brandy Melville 14. Big, juicy, and red 17. Anyone gotta______? 19. What you might call someone from the UK 20. Question you might text your friend when you wanna hang
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21. Japanese artist known for her large wire sculptures 22. Personality type described as reserved, detail oriented, empathetic, likes rules 24. _____thermic reaction 25. Transitional state where your pet might be,” he’s gone __ __ _ better place” 26. A pipe like thing in your heart that the blood goes through or something 28. You will probably get in contact with this Oberlin administrative group if you are about to graduate but just found out you never did that last QFR requirement
29. Jesus sandals….upgraded, often worn by girls with socks 30. Famous Vine star, YouTuber, and leader of the ‘Vlog Squad’ who just got #MeToo’d 32. An abbreviated message you might send someone you really J’ADORE 33. Fan______, supports something 34. Common London living situation 37. He used to date our beloved Lena, but has since been spotted around BK Heights with Lorde (although we hear their relationship is strictly professional)
DOWN 1. Turkish butcher and chef that gained social media fame for his dramatic sprinkling of a certain seasoning on food 2. A doctor needs one of these to be a doctor 3. You might find these around campus standing next to a big hole or a tree stump, Australian rock band that created the song “Who Can It Be Now” 4. Dorm building in the shape of the letter E 5. The answer to this one is “RDFO”....I’m sorry but making crosswords is really hard :( 6. Department at Oberlin that created Lena Dunham 7. This group might help you with a 12-Step Recovery Program 8. What comes before Everest 9. Due on the first 12. To annoy in Portugese 13. When you really have to say “You Have Purple Flowers on Rhode Island” but you only seven letters to abbreviate it (sorry guys) 15. Do you think that the slimy creature we saw on the sidewalk outside was of the species slug __ _____? 16. Alternative Finding Nemo movie sequel where the fish with memory issues enlists in the army and goes AWOL (sorry again guys) 17. City of Angels...and big annoying brats! 18. Fiber is in a banana, but protein is __ _ ______ 23. Crank one out 27. Eliot who wrote The Waste Land 29. A large joint 30. ____Punk, they broke up recently 31. City in Norway that hosts the Nobel Peace Prize award ceremony 33. Oberlin decided to do this to cigarettes in 2016 34. Send this in the groupchat when Kimberly announces some really old news...as if we didn’t hear about that two days ago 35. You probably write this on forms a lot 36. Opposite of from
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