Issue 5 Spring 2022

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Vol. 69 NO. 5

OBERLIN’S ALTERNATIVE STUDENT NEWSPAPER

EST. 1999 May 9, 2022

ISSUE FIVE COVER ART Front Cover: Eva Sturm-Gross Back Cover: Dalia Tomilchik

Priya Banerjee and Levi Dayan Co-Editors-in-Chief Izzy Halloran Managing Editor Wyatt Camery Features Editor Liza MacKeen Shapiro Opinions Editor

Saffron Forsberg Arts and Culture Editor

Anna Harberger Layout Editor

Juli Freedman Bad Habits Editor

Eva Sturm-Gross Art Director

Fionna Farrell, Teagan Hughes, Anna Holshouser-Belden, Raghav Raj, Emma Kang Staff Writers

Letter from the Editor Levi Dayan

Editor-in-Chief Hello all, Thank you for reading this issue of The Grape!!!

I just wanted to give a special shoutout to the Spectre for publishing their first post-pandemic issue recently.

It’s a beautiful issue and I love the work they’re doing right now. I’m also super excited to see the work put out by Zami, a magazine compiling multidisciplinary work for and by Queer and Trans students of color.

My single biggest dream is to see as many student publications fulfilling as many different purposes and niches as possible emerge. I want to see an environment where papers like The Grape are just a speck in a greater rhizomatic sphere, where students have infinite spaces and opportunities to try whatever kind of writing they want. With this in mind, seeing these publications emerge has been truly inspiring to me, and I cannot wait to be reading more from them.

These are both publications that were created independently and collectively, without relying on the resources of the college, which I think is important. With every infuriating austerity measure taken month after month by the college, I increasingly see a connection between the college’s union-busting, under-paying of professors, reliance on visiting professors and exploitation of workers, and the kinds of practices prioritized by Silicon Valley types. Everything has to be compartmentalized into the most convenient, most affordable option, and thus everything is reduced to simply acting as a stepping stone to the next destination. What exactly

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anyone is working towards, or the purpose of the work itself, becomes muddied and obscured because no one is even given the freedom to try to inhabit their space.

It’s all a crock of shit, and of course we need to move on from expecting a better system and start demanding one. But considering that ensuring those demands are met is a long, arduous process with no easy answers, in the meantime what needs to happen is that students and Oberlin residents need to work together to create new systems and communities that can function independently from the college.

Something I’ve heard a lot about in my last year here is institutional memory. My year, the last to have ever experienced a full year of college in the Before Times and the first to have experienced a full year of One Oberlin, is on the verge of graduating. The sweeping changes brought forth by both One Oberlin and COVID have put the status of many campus traditions in question. That can be a disheartening thing, especially when it comes to campus institutions such as OSCA that many students rely on for community and security. But I don’t think that the fading of institutional memory, in its most abstract sense, is inherently bad, as long as students know their capability to forge new communities and is far less temporal than institutional memory. I feel like all too often Oberlin students, particularly the more privileged students, recognize that Oberlin’s problems are systemic in nature but then take those challenges as enablement for their own detachment. No one person has the answer to how to make any institution benevolent - it may not even be possible - but if Oberlin is not capable of doing better, its students still are. I’m hoping publications like The Spectre and Zami are the beginning of a new, rhizomatic network of engagement and community.

What’s in my Bag!

probably has lice living in it at this point!

2. CD and DVDs: More along the lines of Amoeba’s What’s in My Bag; I have an Aimee Mann CD of I’m With Stupid Now that I bought for four bucks at home and was listening to on a CD player (recently gifted to me, also in my bag) when my iPhone 7 stopped turning on and I no longer had Spotify (eek sorry) access...but I hope to listen to it more even now that I have a functional phone! I also have 2 DVDs that I should’ve returned to Mudd several weeks ago: one is Moonstruck which I love unabashedly but people keep telling me is a “guilty pleasure”, and a random swedish rom com that I never got around to watching!

3. Decaf Carnival Cookie From Fall Semester 2020: it is green now and up for grabs

The Grape Staff Edition Reggie

One thing in my bag is my lighter, and the less said about that the better. I also got my speaker for playing Future and Megan Thee Stallion’s Greatest Hits. A little bit deeper down I got my antidepressants, and right next to them I have my poetry book. Gotta fight the demons somehow, and the lighter only helps so much.

Priya: There is a very strict system inside of my bag. Loose items are separated into groups and placed in containers based on theme and time of day that I use them. For example, my ‘let’s get down to business’ themed container (discarded pill bottle) holds my delicious gel capsule Vitamin D and Fish Oil supplements alongside three keys that open three doors in the art building. I usually dig into this stuff around lunch time. Another section of my bag is ‘be careful’ themed due to the fragile nature of its contents (digital camera, Nut Punch, wallet, twigs and rocks for sculpture, claw-clip). These are early-morning and late-evening items. The rest of my bag is a secret.

Teagan

In my bag (i.e. my glove compartment) I’ve got three separate Billy Joel greatest hits CDs. I always tell people that Billy Joel was “the first artist I ever loved,” which is probably why I have been gifted three separate Billy Joel greatest hits CDs. Each one has a different track list, so I cycle through them depending on what Billy Joel mood I’m in.

Wyatt

I’ve been listening to this one a lot recently, so—and I hate to post cringe—I checked my Spotify stats (er, I mean Amoeba bag) and confirmed that my top song the past four weeks is John Hartford’s “Let Him Go On, Mama” from Mark Twang. I discovered this tune from a video of Chris Eldridge and Paul Kowert (Punch Brothers) playing it at Norman’s Rare Guitars, which I totally recommend. The song is a wonderfully goofy tribute to an unnamed steamboat captain, backed by Hartford’s phased-out banjo and soft-shoeing.

Foo Fighters’ drummer Taylor Hawkins’ untimely passing inspired a bit of renaissance, or at least a naissance (that’s French, kids), of my consumption of the Dave Grohl-led rock outfit’s music, so I’ll add 1997’s The Colour and the Shape from Foo Fighters to my bag.

Izzy

I’m really excited to get to share what’s in my bag. There are so many things in my bag!! One good thing in my baggu is a Cadbury creme egg from my mom for Eastover (Passover and Easter combined), and my Jurrasic World camouflage snapback hat. The Cadbury creme egg is a little dented, a little banged up, but I have to keep a snack in my bag for when my blood sugar drops. The Jurrasic World camouflage snapback kind of explains itself...it has the power to tie together any outfit.

Art by Priya Banerjee

I have this novella called Fup by Jim Dodge that I’ve had for quite some time—it’s so slim so I can bring it anywhere.

It’s about this old man who makes whiskey that makes you immortal and he gives it to his duck, but it’s also, like really sad. I won’t spoil. Also, the album Entertainment by Gang of Four. I’ve received the album three separate times and haven’t gotten rid of any of them so if you’d like to lighten my bag please reach out.

Emma: My bag usually has whatever I put in it several weeks ago, and I allow its contents to accumulate until I can’t bear it any longer. Right now I have five pink bouncy calls from Ben Franklin’s, a photo biography of Bjork in a plastic cover that I bought for $17 last fall, twelve hot glue sticks, and three different half-full packs of mint gum. I carry the one notebook that I buy at the beginning of the school year that I take all of my notes for all of my classes in. Also one pen that I can never lose. This has all worked for me so far.

Anna H-B

Raghav:

Fionna

1. My Mom’s Ex-Boyfriend’s Brother’s old Harley Davidson Trucker Hat: This is pretty much just what it sounds like... an orange and black Harley hat from the 90s that my mom stole from her ex-boyfriend who stole it from his brother; it’s pretty run-down and has some yellow paint on it because my mom wore it to go running in the rain a lot and also while painting the outside of my aunt’s house. I started “borrowing” it in high school because it looked fresh off the Depop y2k page but then stopped wearing it because I thought it made me look too gay, then started wearing it again for that very reason last summer and stuck it in my suitcase to bring to Oberlin (sorry mom). I wore it today because it rained and I couldn’t find my scarf, I love it very much even though it

I got this black tote bag from Turntable Lab as a Christmas gift, it has a really cute Peanuts cartoon on it about buying records when you’re sad, and I love it so much I pretty much carry it everywhere, it’s so roomy and it fits my laptop and water bottle and portable charger and wallet and lighter (I don’t even smoke, I just like having a lighter on me) and pens and pencils and notepad (for impromptu offline note-taking, I guess?) and a bunch of other stuff, like my sunglasses and glasses cleaning spray and a Germ-X bottle that I filled with 70% isopropyl alcohol because I think it’s less gross and slimy even though everyone I tell this to is like “that’s fucking insane, pure rubbing alcohol is horrible for your skin.” That’s just the essentials, anyway. Usually I’ve got a book in there

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Kurt Russell, O b e r l i n ’ s

2022 National Teacher of the year

L a t e s t

H o m e t o w n

H e r o

Reggie Goudeau Staff Writer

On April 19th, longtime Oberlin Highschool history teacher and basketball coach Kurt Russel was named the 2022 National Teacher of the year by the Council of Chief State School Officers. On Wednesday, April 27th, Russell traveled to Washington D.C. to be honored in a ceremony hosted by President Biden and the First Lady. While I may not have gotten to speak to him personally, I’m still very confident in Kurt Russell’s character and devotion to quality education. Two of my Rhetoric and Composition classes have shown videos of Mr. Russell speaking to media outlets about his methods and goals. In these clips he easily articulated himself, dodged press questions about controversial topics like Critical Race Theory, and generally came across as a good dude. You can see that he is passionate, dedicated to his students before anything else, and committed to giving them an accurate depiction of history. While this sounds like the bare minimum for any teacher, it clearly is a rare quality, as Mr. Russell was honored as the 2022 National Teacher of the Year.

To get further insight into his teaching philosophy, I spoke to one of his former students: my partner Makayla Riggins.

I asked Makayla if Mr. Russell was always respected and loved at Oberlin High School, or if he had to work for the reputation he has garnered these past few months. They said that “from the entire time I was there, and when I knew people from the high school he’s always been like that. I’m not sure when he started at the school, but everyone who talked to me about him said something good. Even the 5th graders. I’m sure he had to work up to it at some point, but he already had it when I was there.” I found this very

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impressive since it even took me a few months of working with my former students at Langston Middle School to reach that level of popularity. He clearly must’ve done something right from the beginning of his time there to accomplish this feat.

Makayla’s only class with him was African American history. They maintained that “he seemed really passionate about the topic, especially because no one else was teaching anything like this in the district.” With the recent bills introduced across the country that aim to limit what parts of history are allowed in the curriculum, I’m thankful that teachers like Mr. Russell exist. I then asked Makayla what Mr. Russell’s class was like,

and what made him so engaging as an educator. They claimed, “The information seemed like he did actual research on it because I’ve been in classes where they just Googled something beforehand and called it research. He just made it a fun class to be in.” I didn’t do much work with lesson planning during my time as a tutor, but I agree that my favorite classes are ones with informed and engaged educators. Finally, I asked what Mr. Russell did that other high school teachers or Oberlin professors should model. They said, “He inspired the students to put their own twist on things and think about what they were saying critically. Because in most other history classes they just tell

you what happened and call it a day.”

I may not personally be an educator, but as a tutor who’s worked a lot with fellow college students and even some younger students, I feel that I understand the value of teaching. Almost no other feeling can replace that of getting someone to understand a concept that previously had them unsure. I’m glad that Mr. Russell still seems to recognize the value in that feeling and in teaching with integrity. Bills across the country are being passed attempting to rewrite history to maintain the status quo, and I support and commend Mr. Russell’s pushback against these issues. Children are the future, and they can’t mold that future without an accurate understanding of the past.

What’s in my Bag continued too — currently Lester Bangs’ Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung, this collection of arcane and jargony music reviews I’m slowly working through. Have a DVD player in my dorm so of course there are a lot of movies in the bag, mostly from the library; right now, I’ve got Michael Cimino’s Heaven’s Gate on that Criterion blu-ray, and DVD’s of Fat City (John Huston boxing movie), Point Break (self-explanatory), and maybe Michael Bay’s The Rock, if the asshole who hasn’t returned it to the Oberlin Public Library in two months decides to have a fucking heart. Of course, since it’s a tote made for vinyl, I’ll include my record haul from Hansons’ this past weekend, where I found an $8 copy of Paul Simon’s self-titled debut (“Duncan” is one of the best songs he’s ever written), and a $3 single of Evelyn ‘Champagne’ King’s “Shame,” a truly perfect disco song if there ever was one. Actually, can I toss in my bluray of Whit Stillman’s Last Days of Disco? One of my favorite movies ever, precisely because the movie knows when to can its talky script, shut the fuck up, and dance to “Shame.” Sometimes, I wish I knew how to do the same.

Saffron:

So lately I’ve been lugging around a very classy Thou tote I nabbed when the Baton Rouge metalheads came to the ‘Sco last month.

The band was incredibly kind after their set, telling my sloshed, stoned, and sweaty ass that I could take it for free. Thanks y’all! My treasured tote contains, among other things, a copy of The Spectre’s Spring ‘22 edition, a weed grinder, two very weathered legal pads (the only real way to take notes in class before promptly tearing them to shit in your bag), a flyer for Radical Departures on WOBC -- Mondays at 5 pm -- whose host, Rabble Rouser, I had the pleasure of meeting last week, approximately 18 loose plastic decafe spoons, a teeny tiny paintbrush, and a packet of off-brand Midol. I never go anywhere without this bag and its contents -- an amalgamation of shit -- reflect this well.

Juli

Dinner and a Show with

Big Parade Priya Banerjee Editor-in-Chief

Big Parade is back! It’s been three years since the parade last hit the streets of Oberlin, and it’s been greatly missed and a bit forgotten during its time away. On Saturday, May 14th, the event is finally making its return. You might already know that this year’s theme is Feast. I don’t want to give too much away, but you might get to see a giant rotisserie chicken making its way down College Street. The parade will begin promptly at 11AM, with guest appearances by Kurt Russell (the 2022 National Teacher of the year who hails from our very own Oberlin, Ohio!), OSteel, OCircus, Kendal’s lawn chair brigade (a yearly tradition involving a choreographed dance routine by our beloved senior citizens), WOBC, OC Marching Band, and so many more. Don’t miss the barbeque in Tappan immediately after the parade with classic BBQ foods (with vegetarian options available), an ice-cream truck, carnival treats, games, music, and just plain fun. If you want to participate in the parade, just show up at Eastwood School at 10:30AM the morning of the parade to join the line-up. Email biggest. parade@gmail.com for more info. See you there!

Art by Priya Banerjee

Ever since I had these roomates tell me that I am too fucking disgusting to live with, before even living with me, (just based on my disgusting personality! Slay!) I have been such a scent queen. My secret? Oil Perfumery. They make amazing dupes that last me so long.

Currently I’ve been wearing their Santal 33 dupe (okay unisex gender-nonconforming performance artist comedienne musk) and some of these solid perfumes from Lush I stole from my mom. This is all in hopes that one day no one will ever find me gross, even though I do horrifically vile things like talking and breathing. Hopefully this will reach the incel crowds, but I love listening to comedy albums on long drives. I really like Atsuko Okatsuka’s “But I control me” and Jo Firestone’s “The Hits.” Also want to shout out some other comics I have been into lately and am dying to recommend to everyone: Rachel Pegram, Dylan Adler, Carmen Christopher, Robby Hoffman, and River Ramirez. My favorite Dolly songs at the moment are “Traveling Man” and “Why’d You Come In Here Lookin’ Like That.” And as if I couldn’t be more earnest, I do carry a little orange joke notebook on my person at all times, much like you would a gun! If you loved Patti at Finney, you should totally check out “Disease Sleuth” on Soundcloud and “A Woman’s Smile” wherever you stream podcasts. If you loved Good Talk at The ‘Sco, you should probably seek out a mental health professional or something. Knowing what is in people’s bags makes robbing them way more efficient. Sucks these guys are all fuckin nerds tho.

Oberlin College Improv Returns

With a Bang– Oh, and a Rat Funeral Teagan Hughes Staff Writer

Our conversations in The Cat in the Cream overlapped, melding into a generally anticipatory murmur. Some patrons frantically rearranged chairs, while others packed onto the couches at the back of the room. The string lights on the north wall winked on and off in a variety of patterns, and the wonderful Cat staff sold these really good mule ear cookies (and I said so, to which my friends said: what on earth is a mule ear cookie?). On the stage: four solitary chairs, no mics. It could only mean one thing: the Oberlin College Improv Conference was back.

OCIC returned on April 29th, 2022 from a two-year hiatus. OCIC is an annual event facilitated by Oberlin’s improv troupes, Sunshine Scouts and Kid Business (and, not so long ago, dissolved troupes Primitive Streak and Neurotic Fiction), featuring performances from local, regional, and professional improv troupes. Like pretty much every campus tradition imaginable, OCIC was temporarily lost to the initial COVID-19 quarantine and, later, the challenge of planning events on a “de-densified” campus. Oberlin’s improv troupes revived the Conference this year and, last weekend, presented performanc-

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Oberlin College Improv continued es from a total of six troupes. Accompanying the performances were three open-to-the-public workshops, as well as Shit Pit, Oberlin’s student-run comedy open mic.

The first night of OCIC featured performances from three New York City-based improv troupes at The Cat in the Cream. The first of these troupes was Ladies Who Ranch, a five-person comedy collective from Brooklyn. Members Sophie Zucker and Maya Sharma are themselves Oberlin alumni, having founded Shit Pit in 2015. Ladies Who Ranch took audience suggestions for “a thought you had today,” before improvising a set that traveled from an interrogation room to the grocery store to a sewer exclusively populated by social outcasts—well, and rats.

Next came A Crazy Amazing Friendship, who put on a two-person performance featuring conversations between a tenured (“ten-yeared”) music professor, his star student, his wife, and a rogue hang glider.

Closing out the first night of OCIC was Chicken Big, a three-person improv troupe whose fast-paced set saw appearances from the Pope, the inventor of a new cell phone, and a guy with, like, a really long suitcase.

On Saturday, April 30th, all three NYC-based improv troupes held open workshops. A Crazy Amazing Friendship hosted “Do It 2 ‘Em: Duo Duals,” which focused on improvising two-person scenes—specifically, “world-building, charactermotivated narratives, and reading your partner’s mind.” The concurrent workshop “Take Care of Yourself” was hosted by Ladies Who Ranch, who coached participants in “sticking to your instincts in order to make a more exciting scene.” Lastly, Chicken Big facilitated “The Art of the Deal,” in which participants “initiat[ed] scenes with strong physical and emotional choices.”

The evening of April 30th saw OCIC’s second show, this one featuring a slate of local performers. First up was Oberlin’s own Sunshine Scouts. The Scouts kicked off the show with scenes on marriage (or their own Scenes From a Marriage, if you will), fake therapists, and human declawing.

Following the Sunshine Scouts was Akron-based Point of No Return. Point of No Return improvised a narrative involving a failing marriage, a business in the red, and a sext-bot that earned equal parts laughter and dramatic gasps from the audience.

The concluding set of the second show came from Oberlin’s own Kid Business. Kid Business transported the audience from the Eiffel Tower to the forests of Maine (slogan: “Family, Business, Leisure”), all in a quest for love and revenge.

The last event of OCIC was Shit Pit, Oberlin’s only recurring comedy open mic. Saturday’s Shit Pit spotlighted a mix of current student performers as well as NYC comics from the aforementioned troupes, allowing the audience to hear a variety of comedic styles and voices.

Last weekend’s conference served as yet another emergence of the Oberlin College Comedy Scene (very serious, very stately) from the uncertainty of the initial COVID shutdown.

OCIC, Shit Pit, and other student organizations and traditions represent the provision of resources and a creative outlet to emerging comics, and it’s scary to think that they were in jeopardy for so long. Though not every organization or tradition can return—there are several sketch and improv groups that, unfortunately, seem out for the count—every tradition that gets revived (or created!) provides students the opportunity to cultivate and share their creative voice, and provides the campus community the opportunity to see some really great performances.

Art by Priya Banerjee

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Perspectives on Current and Not-so-current Happenings in Occupied Palestine Zane Badawi Contributor

Recent events have gotten me thinking about my dad’s time in Gaza when I was young. He went as a journalist in 2012 and 2014, tasked with covering the mayhem ensuing in the bite-sized wars that erupt in the Gaza Strip on an all-too-regular basis, but he didn’t enter with a privileged media pass or sit back and observe the situation from afar. Rather, he journeyed to Gaza and hunkered down in the heart of the city as the war raged in real-time. He witnessed death and loss. He saw buildings – apartment complexes, hospitals, schools – turned to rubble indiscriminately. Naturally, I was worried; when I was nine years old, my father was in the midst of a war on the other side of the world, constantly under threat of rocket fire and blazing bullets, covering a war that did not care whose life it claimed. Even at an early age, I knew the dangers Gaza residents faced on a daily basis, let alone during a period of intense conflict. I had heard stories of violence, I had seen pictures of orphaned children and streets in ruin, but for my father to be surrounded by that violence made it all the more tangible to me.

Fast forward to 2021, and, in the warm spring air of the Mediterranean, bloodshed marked the end of Ramadan for millions of Palestinian Muslims. What is traditionally a time dedicated to congregation, celebration, and charity was overshadowed by an 11-day war that killed at least 256 Palestinians, 13 Israelis, and injured many more. Across the Atlantic, it was met with a week of news coverage and social media frenzy before being pushed to the wayside, as all things are.

As it was happening, though, I remember being surprised at the response I saw on social media; I had become so accustomed to the complete indifference of Americans towards Palestinian plight that I was genuinely caught off guard by the outpouring of support from names I recognized and respected. For some reason, this moment was different. It seemed like, for the first time, a wider group was recognizing and responding to the

injustice occurring in occupied Palestine.

And then, in an instant, it fizzled out. Before a ceasefire had even been reached, most Americans shifted their focus to the newest developments in international news, to the winners of the latest Eurovision, to the new administration in the White House, to how they were going to spend their summer. I don’t mean to say that those who had been vocal about the situation suddenly stopped caring – only that the tide had washed the beach clean and they had other things to occupy their minds.

Now, a year later, conflict arises again. Clashes at Al-Aqsa mosque and threats by far-right Israeli extremist groups have ignited the fear that Israel would attempt to take over Al-Aqsa, the third holiest site in Islam, during Ramadan. Along with this, rockets exchanged between Israel and various Palestinian militant groups indicate the very real possibility of another full-scale war, of which Palestinians are rightly fearful.

In the event of war, Palestinians have no recourse, they have no way out, no international support, no saving grace. In pacifism is more stolen land, more oppressive policies enacted, more families left without homes. In hostility is more condemnation, more stereotyping, less sympathy from those who hold the power to make changes.

For now, those with the power to make changes are in the West – and looking at a map of countries that do and do not recognize Palestine as a legitimate state is almost indistinguishable from looking at a map defining the borders of the Western world. This is a grim reality for Palestinians. We do not have the luxury of Western sympathy, which effectively means we are left to vie for ourselves.

We are not Ukraine. Our suffering is not met with fundraisers or global sanctions imposed on our oppressors. It is not met with months of coverage or statements of support from the global community expressing how brave we are for our resistance. On the contrary, our resistance is seen as a fundamental attack on Western values, as senseless violence and terrorism, as an abhorrent display of antisemitic extremism.

I’m reluctant to make individual claims about

aggression and fault because there is more nuance to the situation than I could ever hope to convey here, but I think it’s plainly visible that Israel is a colonial project.

It is an ethnostate that is forcibly displacing Palestinians, occupying their land, and spitting in their faces, all with the backing of the world’s most powerful nations. Bringing up who is responsible for what violence and which side is to blame for which wars is nothing more than a convenient distraction, which ignores the reality that Israel is actively violating international law, encroaching on Palestinian territory, killing Palestinian people, and denying them basic human rights.

Very few people, especially in the United States, recognize this, however. As tensions rise, it’s called conflict. When conflict erupts, it’s called war. And all the while, lopsided death tolls and mismatched arms races paint a picture of something less like war and more like demolition, where one side is always the worse for wear, where stones are met with lead, and where cold steel collapses generational homes. Words like “conflict” and “war” underscore the idea that this is somehow a fair fight, as if both sides are struggling, when the reality is that it is and always has been expansion against retaliation. Whether it’s threats against and marches on Al-Aqsa, movement of Israel’s capital to Jerusalem, or walled-off settlements in the West Bank that funnel resources away from Palestinian families, the State of Israel is constantly expanding, and Palestinians are left with no military options, little hope for diplomacy, and even less hope for litigation.

If peace is in our future, it seems to be far off.

I think, first and foremost, peace begins with an end to antisemitism and islamophobia, and it certainly hinges on the dismantling of Israel’s expansionist mindset.

But most importantly, peace will not be achieved unless the world learns to view Palestinians as human beings.

No amount of diplomacy can save us from that fact. As long as the West harbors its anti-Arab mindset, as long as baseless claims are good enough to justify full-scale invasions, and as long as prayers are allowed to be interrupted with tear gas and rubber bullets, there will be no peace for the Palestinian people.

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DJ Kopano Talks Musical Curation and Decentering the White Gaze Raghav Raj Staff Writer

If you’ve been to a show or a house party at Oberlin in the past few months, you’ve probably heard of Kopano. The wildly talented multidisciplinary artist and musician is a dualdegree third-year student at Oberlin College and Conservatory, but they’ve also been performing prolifically for several years as part of their thriving hometown DIY scene in the South Side of Chicago, having opened for abolitionist Angela Davis and previously collaborated with the likes of Omar Apollo, Billy Lemos, and Jamila Woods. As of late, they’ve quickly become one of Oberlin’s most in-demand DJs, playing at Solarity this past December and having recently opened shows for the likes of Joyce Wrice and Kassa Overall at the ‘Sco. On May 7, they’re delivering two back-to-back performances: they’ll be DJing for the African Students Association banquet from 4-7 PM at the Root Room in Carnegie (tickets are $8, link can be found @oberlinasa on Instagram), and their junior recital, Rooted in the Stars, will take place at 7:30 PM in the Birenbaum. In between all this, Kopano graciously agreed to sit down with me to discuss becoming a DJ, community in club spaces, and the ways white institutions approach Black music.

The following interview has been edited for clarity and length.

I know this is probably a really entry-level question, but I feel like you’re pretty well established, and I’ve seen you DJing in so many places here at Oberlin. When did you first start DJing?

So I actually started DJing last year.

Wow! Really? No way. *laughs* Yeah, last year! February 2021.

That’s way more recently than I would’ve expected. Is there any reason you decided to pick up DJing when you did?

See, I have a lot of friends who are DJs — my first roommate was a DJ too — and they would do these virtual sets during COVID. Initially, I was just like “DJing isn’t for me, my friends are so good at it,” you know? I’m a musician and I’m gonna focus on what I know. And then one late night, probably 2 or 3AM or some shit, I finally was like “you know what, this sounds fun, and I just want to try it out.”

So, I downloaded the Serato application, and I was up for hours just messing around, like “holy shit, I love this.” And I really just got hooked on it.

As someone who has tried and failed at DJing countless times, I know how hard it is to do all that you’re doing, while also trying to keep the crowds entertained, which is something you seem to do pretty effortlessly. How did you figure that out, and in such little time?

Well, I mean, I’m always making playlists. I’ve always been a curator: I have organized events in Chicago, I’ve done performances, I’ve been singing for a long time. So I have a very deep musical background, which I think transitions really well to DJing. Like, the music just makes sense to me. I can just hear it in my head.

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I don’t know how, but I can just hear it, and I just feel it. You know? *laughs* But also, I’ve learned so much from my friends, my friends have taught me a lot. When I get to DJ with my friends — like my friend DJ Sour, or Joaquim, who’s another DJ who does a lot of performances at Oberlin — Sometimes it’s a weekly thing, sometimes it’s once every two weeks, sometimes we DJ together once a month. Whenever it is, we’ll just spend time, get together, and DJ together for two to three hours and just learn from each other. I love DJing because it’s so similar to making music — you learn by doing, you learn by experiencing, you learn as part of this community you’re DJing for. And, you know, you kinda just read the room.

What is your setup when it comes to DJing? Do you have a pre-made playlist ready, or are you just going on the fly?

Usually, I’m improvising, just going off the fly. I’ve tried making sets beforehand — I would say the Joyce Wrice concert was the most I’ve prepared for a set — but I usually come up with it on the day of the

show. I don’t really have a full process; I think I’m still coming into it because I’ve only been doing this for a year. But something I’ve been thinking about is how, on the day of the show, artists or songs will pop into my head, and I’m like “oh, this would be a great song to play tonight!” So I just open the Notes app, and make a list of whatever pops into my head. Then I get to the gig early, because I like to warm up in the space, and I’ll just DJ and listen to myself for 30 minutes and take that time to experiment, see what I like, see what my soul is feeling in that moment.

Usually that’s what I end up repeating for the night, but if the crowd isn’t rocking with it, I gotta change it up and I can’t just stick to the setlist. That’s why I don’t

try to depend on playlists; I usually try to focus on this type of energy that I’m going for, and if I can lean on that, then I stay on that for the set.

I know you’ve only been doing this for a year, but have you DJed for crowds outside Oberlin?

Not really. Previous to coming back to Oberlin — cause I was here for two years, then I left for two years — I had been asked to DJ some events. I said yes, but one event got canceled, and then another event I was no longer in Chicago for. So the only people I was really DJing for were my friends, and I was very much like “I’m not gonna DJ for audiences, that

DJ Kopano continued sounds stressful, I don’t want to do it.”

My friends, on the other hand, were all like “babes… come on.” *laughs* So yeah, Oberlin is the first place I’ve gotten to DJ for other people, which has been cool and weird, but mostly cool. I’m having a lot of fun!

Okay, honest question: Personally, I feel like it’s hard to ignore that Oberlin, especially as a club space, is really very predominantly white.

It’s something that, as a person of color here, I’ve noticed a lot at this school. When you’re DJing, does that aspect factor into your playing?

I get that. It’s interesting that you brought up Kassa Overall’s show at the ‘Sco, which I saw as this enthusiastic celebration of Black music, because I feel like your DJ sets are also, in many ways, a celebration of Black dance music in all its forms — you had crunk jams, Beyonce’s “Formation,” I heard a Boondocks sample at one point. As a student studying at Oberlin’s conservatory, in general, how do you feel about the way the college approaches Black music, especially in proximity to the sort of space that’s taken by whiteness?

Absolutely. I mean, I’m not like, “oh, let me play these songs because there are white people here.” I don’t center white people in my life, period. Not now, not today, not ever. But it’s one of those things that you’re really able to pick up on quickly. Up until last month, the only place I’d really DJ regularly was at house parties I was doing, either at my crib or my friend’s crib. And those spaces, you know, are invite only — those are my friends, those are the people that rock with me. After the Joyce Wrice show, the people who stayed for my second set after Joyce finished performing, those people had already heard me DJ before, they fuck with me, and those are the people I’m cool with. But during other shows at the ‘Sco, like when Kassa Overall came here, I’ve noticed that my friends were there, but they weren’t dancing the way they usually do, and that’s because of the amount of space that was being taken up by white people. And you know, I will never center white people in my life, but it really does stress me out when my friends aren’t really dancing, because those are the people I’m DJing for.

At the end of the day, Blackness doesn’t belong in any institution. As long as America is a thing, until we give land back, until we go into indigenization, I don’t think there’s any way that an institution can properly honor and respect Blackness. Either way, this school is way too damn expensive and way too damn white to even attract Black students who have grown up in the culture of Black music to come here. A big challenge for me has been the discomfort I feel — it’s good to be challenged, it’s good to be uncomfortable, but I think I’d refer to this more as discomfort — within a space like the conservatory, because whiteness is so centered in these institutions. These programs are constrained in a way where Black students are sitting here, knowing that this space is not meant for them, to the point where it seems like the only real understanding of Black music is found in the Africana Studies department. There is no popular music that isn’t in some way centered around Blackness, and I don’t understand how you’re going to prepare musical students for the world without teaching them about Black music.

I think that consciousness of exclusion is so prevalent, not just in the Conservatory but throughout Oberlin’s academics and the culture of the school, where people of color — but more specifically and to a more significant extent, Black students — have to negotiate with the fact that they’re in an institution that fundamentally views them in the periphery. How do you think that sort of consciousness extends to a space like, say, the ‘Sco or the Cat in the Cream?

Well, when you look at these venues in Oberlin, usually the students working the hardest in these spaces are students of color, you know, of doing the work to utilize school spaces, to bring the artists here that they want to see, to see themselves in these artists. David brought Joyce Wrice here as part of As I Am, Gabe Morales put together Kassa Overall’s show, and my friend Joaquim booked Kush Jones & DJ Swisha, which is really exciting for me. I see people working hard to really utilize these spaces and make sure that they get what they fucking pay for. And so I really just, you know, give so much respect to people who put together these events.

But especially in these sorts of spaces, at a predominantly white institution, it feels like you’re being looked at because the white gaze is so prevalent. It’s one of those things where, like, I’m dancing, but now everyone’s watching me, and suddenly it begins to feel like minstrelsy, like I’m performing for people when I’m just here to enjoy myself and dance with my friends. It’s this feeling of being surveilled, because we really do live in a surveillance state. People are always watching Black people. People are always policing Black people. And people are always looking

like “what are they doing over there,” or “are they supposed to be doing that,” like mind your damn business!

I think it’s interesting, especially when it comes to expressing passion in these spaces, where white men get away with this ability to express their emotions however that they want to, and people respect them for it, but I’ve faced backlash for defending myself or defending the spaces I’m trying to curate. Cause when it comes to my parties, I’m curating this space, you know? If you’re like, a fetishist or something, you can’t come into the space. And it’s not like I’m gonna say you can’t bring your friend, or something like “oh you can’t come in, you’re not Black, you can’t come in,” like bitch, who the fuck am I? A fucking vampire? Get in the damn house. *laughs* Like that’s not what it is, that’s not what it is for me, and I hate it when people reduce to that.

What it’s about is asking things like “are you respectful of Black people? Do you love Black people?” Love Black people in the true sense, in that when we express our anger, you’re not afraid of us for being upset, you feel me? When I’m curating these spaces that center Blackness, where the predominant people in that space are Black people, if your intention is fetishization or objectification you’re not allowed in my space, because now you’re compromising the safety of the space, and how do I look if I’m curating that space? As long as I have some control over what the space is going to be, I want Black people to have a good time. I’m going to center Blackness first and foremost, because I want to make the space as pleasurable, as joyful, as safe, but as brave as I can possibly make it be.

WOBC vault picks with Levi Dayan, host of Everything is Improvisation Teagan Hughes Staff Writer

The couch on the south wall of the WOBC lobby—the plaid one of indeterminate age—is the perfect surface upon which to display your records of choice. On this particular Tuesday afternoon, the green-and-yellow pattern is obscured by a slew of vinyl records and CDs, many of them housed in sleeves with softening edges and battered spines. These records are the “vault picks” of Levi Dayan, longtime host of WOBC’s Everything is Improvisation.

Everything is Improvisation, which currently runs from 3-4 p.m. on Friday afternoons, “highlight[s] the ways in which improvisation keeps ancient musical traditions

alive.” Dayan’s selections from the WOBC vault span a number of styles and compositional forms, with Dayan characterizing them as free jazz, avant-garde, and contemporary classical, among other descriptors. “Really, a lot of what I’m into now, I actually have only started really getting into during the pandemic,” they say. “It’s not that I was ever against it, it was just that I hadn’t listened to it yet. I had been moving through other stuff…maybe it was the thing of just having so much time on my hands that all I could do was just, like, kinda spend time with this music, and I think being able to spend time with it and just listen to it and sit with it for a bit, it helps.”

Here are excerpts from my interview with Dayan, along with a full list of their WOBC vault picks.

Nefertiti, the Beautiful One Has Come - Live At The Cafe Montmartre by Cecil Taylor (1962) LD: This is a guy named Cecil Taylor, and he’s, like, one of the foundational figures of free jazz. He’s like a pianist, and his style of piano-playing is—he’s been described as kind of a percussionist with the piano; it’s like very loud clunking sounds all over the place…His music was always like—even when I started first getting into free jazz, I think his music was slightly intimidating to me ‘cause it’s, like, it has a reputation for being really out there…there was a certain point when I’d listen to it and I just heard it as like…I think I just was listening and hearing this kind of unbridled creativity in it…There was a point where that clicked, and it

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Cecil Taylor was kind of a thing of realizing, like, you can kinda hear whatever you want in music…I think to some people, the kind of experimental avant garde type stuff, especially in jazz, there are some people who will think of it as being academic or inaccessible, or just really difficult to listen to, and I honestly don’t really think that’s true. I think you can see it that way if you choose to but you can also see it as something…you could listen to it and be like, oh shit, this dude’s just fuckin’, I don’t know, going for it. Yeah, Cecil Taylor’s an extremely fascinating figure, maybe one of my favorite musicians of all time, honestly. This particular album, which is a live album called Nefertiti, the Beautiful One Has Come - Live At The Café Montmartre—or however the fuck that’s pronounced— this one in particular is brilliant…he was one of the first making this kind of [music], and he was making it in the ‘50s, which is insane to me. He passed away only a few years ago; he had an extremely long career. The stuff he was making in the ‘50s, I think still sounds super cuttingedge today.

— For Alto by Anthony Braxton (1971)

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LD: This guy Anthony Braxton…this is probably his most famous album by a longshot. It’s called For Alto, and…I think it’s, like, the first solo saxophone jazz album. So there’s no accompaniment, it’s just him playing saxophone…He was associated with this collective called the AACM, which is the Association for the Advancement of Creative Music. It was this collective based in Chicago, [and it] had offshoots in other parts of the Midwest, like, I think Kansas, I think St. Louis, but it was mostly based in Chicago, and…this music that’s collected there was pushing for this really kind of different outlook on, I guess, composition and it was just taking in all these different influences. There’s an element of kind of avant garde, like, contemporary classical music and stuff to it.

Like, Anthony Braxton is super influenced by that. This album was his, I mentioned, it’s his most well known… he has other albums that are also just solo saxophone stuff. But it’s not really that representative because…he has these compositions where it’s really hard to tell, like, what’s improvised and what’s not…I think it sounds like multiple jazz groups performing at once. And it’s very dense…I find it really exciting and, like, I actually have fun listening to it a lot. But he’s very much influenced

by classical, but there’s also all these other influences, like, he’s talked about being influenced by, like…James Brown, and he’s a huge fan of Frankie Lymon and The Teenagers. And like, what else…Captain Beefheart? Like, just all sorts of stuff. I’ve read a lot of interviews with him—he’s an extremely interesting guy…I think he’s still composing, still making music and stuff. He’s a person who just had this insanely long career…he’s one of those artists where you can’t point to any one period of his career, at least in my view, and be like, ‘that’s like the definitive part.’ Because there’s all these different phases and different sort of lineups he’s worked with.

— A Rainbow in Curved Air by Terry Riley (1969) LD: This is Terry Riley…this is, like, early electronic music. Terry Riley was someone who was part of the very early minimalist school of composers. This is definitely way before Philip Glass and definitely before, like, Steve Reich. But he kind of pioneered using electric—like it says, like this is electric organ…yeah, electric organ and tape loops and stuff. And it’s really interesting because

it’s like—you have this one piece called In C that’s really famous. It’s like…you have this whole ensemble…it’s just very repetitive and it’s all in the key of C, or something like that. But it’s this hugely important piece. And it’s like, you see this very big deal, kind of composure in that scene. But at the same time, like in actuality, he was just a guy who…enjoyed just, like, tripping on acid and making pretty synth music and stuff. But yeah, hugely influential, one of my favorite composers, also seems like he’s still alive today. And he seems like this incredibly pleasant old man. And there’s an influence—I mean, something I’m attracted to is that it’s music that’s very influenced by John Coltrane, and also, like, Indian music and all sorts of stuff. And I’m interested in that kind of repetitive music that works within this sort of set mode or a set constraint, but also just goes as far out with it as it can. And it also has a spiritual element to it.

— Vertigo by The Necks (2015) LD: This is a band called The Necks.

They’re a trio from Australia…they’ve been making music for, I guess, like, 30— more than 30 years now. Their albums are extremely diverse and cover a lot of ground but it’s like, they’re like a trio, the piano, bass, and drums. Their studio albums have a lot of different stuff on it, but their live performances—they’re one of the bands I want to see live the most— their live performances are just piano and bass and drums. And it’s another thing of, like, this music that has like some level of—it’s like they’re working within some level of constraint, because it’s very much kind of within that minimalist tradition. A lot of their albums, like, this one in particular is only one song, it’s 44 minutes, and it’s like, very slow, pretty repetitive, and, like, just slowly changes over the time, but it’s also, like, there’s an element of jazz influence too, because again, it’s a trio of piano, bass and drums…this music that like exists, it’s like very much, like, its own thing. And, like, I like to listen to it when I study. This is actually—this is kind of like, The Necks are just kind of my go to like, ‘I need to just crank something out.’ I listen to it because it’s all—it’s slow and pretty repetitive, but it’s also…propulsive…

TH: And you said, that’s—it’s one song, the whole thing?

LD: Yeah, one 44-minute song…some of their albums will be, like, four relatively long songs. But…a lot of their albums are just one song. And oftentimes, that one song, like, doesn’t really change, or changes very minimally. And this album came out in 2015, and this one in particu-

lar is like one of my favorites…I feel like it’s one of their darker albums. It’s very, like, it has this very menacing kind of drone sound in the background. And then with like this kind of rattling piano and then, at certain points, the drums will just come in. It’ll sound just like creaking. I don’t know, it’s really fucking cool.

TH: How is it—and this might be my own ignorance—how is it a song and also an album at the same time? If there’s only one track on it?

LD: Because that one track is long enough to be an album…it doesn’t really matter, there are some people who will listen to albums all the way through all the time and, like, might not distinguish between certain songs, but their stuff is like, it’s one continuous song. There’s no point where it stops. It’s just like, it starts, it goes on for 44 minutes, and then it’s done. You would think it would require an attention span, but it’s also…it has that propulsive feeling to it. Even some of their really ambient-type stuff is like…it keeps you. I mean, it’s very hypnotic and I’m very much attracted to that kind of music that’s just very either minimal or very just like, anything that can be described as being hypnotic, or…having some sort of trance-inducing quality. I’m always attracted to that.

— La Lontananza Nostalgica Utopica Futura by Luigi Nono (2003) LD: This is contemporary classical music.

It’s this guy, Luigi Nono…I picked it out because I’ve been listening to this kind of contemporary music pretty obsessively the past few weeks or so. So this is, like, what’s been on my mind. I don’t know if I’ve actually listened to this specific recording, but…I have a funny story with this composer, he’s an Italian composer who—again, this kind of music is like a little bit new to me. So it’s like, I can’t fully—I probably can’t adequately describe all the ways that he’s like, important or whatever. But…he was a composer. He was a left-wing, communist-type person.

And his music is very political…My story is that…I listened to some pretty weird shit when I was like, maybe 13 or 14. I was really into the band Can and stuff like that. So I had a pretty out-there taste for someone who was in middle school, or early high, I can’t really say for sure what time, but…I was in LA with my family, and I was at Amoeba [Records]. And my dad’s friend was there and he bought me a vinyl record by Luigi Nono and was like…

‘This is brilliant. You need to listen to this.’ And I never…I was listening to some out-there stuff, but I was—there’s no way I was—I wouldn’t have known what

to do with this, like, Italian avant-garde classical music. And I never listened to it until very, you know—fast forward, years later, I still have that record, but I started actually getting into the music just on my own.

— The Hired Hand (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) by Bruce Langhorne (1971) LD: This album is really fucking cool. And I didn’t realize—I was sort of surprised to find it on CD here because I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen a copy of it out in the open. But this is a soundtrack to a movie that was directed by Peter Fonda.

He’s the guy in, I don’t know, Easy Rider and stuff like that. I think brother of Jane Fonda, or at least in that family…

The movie itself is, like, this really visual, kind of acid Western-type movie that—I watched it a while ago, and I actually really enjoyed it. But this album, it’s only 23 minutes. And it’s by this guy named Bruce Langhorne who was this Black session— folk-y-slash-session-musician who was… very much a part of the Greenwich Village scene. His big claim to fame is that the song ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’ by Bob Dylan is inspired by him, because he apparently had some really big tambourine…It’s one of the most beautiful albums out there.

It’s really meticulously arranged and composed…Again, it’s one of those albums.

It’s just, like, there’s nothing that really sounds like it. It’s just kind of like a world of its own. I don’t know. Yeah, it’s very near and dear to me.

— Full list of records: ● For Alto by Anthony Braxton (1971) ● Catelogue D’Oiseaux by Oliver Messiaen (1959) ● Nefertiti, the Beautiful One Has Come - Live At The Cafe Montmartre by Cecil Taylor (1962) ● The Hired Hand (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) by Bruce Langhorne (1971) ● Naked City by Naked City (1990) ● Vertigo by The Necks (2015) ● Infinito Nero by Salvatore Sciarrino (1999) ● A Rainbow in Curved Air by Terry Riley (1969) ● La Lontananza Nostalgica Utopica Futura by Luigi Nono (2003) Four Full Flutes by Phill Niblock (1990)

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New Covid Cases and The Curious Case of the “Social Event Hosted in a Student Apartment” Fionna Farrell Staff Writer

Prior to Spring break, just over a month ago, Obies were hopeful for some extra breathing room upon their return to campus. ObieSafe had sent out an email in March whose tone was cautious yet optimistic. First, masking was made optional across dining halls. Then, on the 28th of that month, mask requirements were lifted in all athletics and recreational facilities. The school promised to reevaluate the situation by April 21st; by that date, if case numbers continued to remain low, then masks would be fully optional in most campus buildings. Rooms would also be allowed to be used up to 100% capacity— although, for some events, it felt like that had already been the case.

There came the very bright news on 4/20 that masks would be optional in residence halls—only for it to be shattered a day later. On April 21st, ObieSafe reinstituted its former masking policies, following a sudden new spike in cases. Between the 20th and 28th, there have now been 29 positive rapid tests reported, as well as 93 positive self-reported tests across campus. And although we might not be seeing January levels of isolation, the number of quarantined students has once again peaked into the triple digits, reaching its max on April 23rd with 107 students. ObieSafe has narrowed down the sources of this newfound Spring surge to two things: spring break trips combined with “at least one social event hosted in a student apartment on Saturday (the 16th).”

I cannot quite recall my whereabouts the night of the 16th, but they most likely involved watching Gilmore Girls or the X-Files with one, two, or—God forbid—three close friends. I also did not choose to venture anywhere particularly ambitious this spring break. Not because clubbing in Miami doesn’t sound like a dream come true for my introverted self, but because, well, my cousin was visiting my hometown. How could I miss the opportunity to educate her on Marx and the ways of College Life? Already 5’9, she lumbered over me as we discussed the rat race and the Berkeley blood fountain (Berkeley was her

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first choice—at the time).

This was my idea of fun, but I certainly don’t chagrin my more worldly peers for going somewhere cool, with or without their cousins. I have racked up some very exciting stories of Obie global tourism, everywhere from New England to the original England. It seems ridiculous that the college expects us to not spend our parents’ money to go somewhere nice for break, as per true Obie fashion. What were we supposed to do, take a foot safari through Dascomb?

In all seriousness, this new influx of cases is not an unserious matter. Why is it, then, that the language the college now employs seems to veer on the comical?

What used to be essay-long emails, rife with layers of specificity not even my fastidious mother could decode, has turned into terse intro-paragraph vagaries. The idea of permanence has permanently forsaken us; instead of long-term solutions, we now get “We’ll see about it later.”

Of course, this mode of thinking was only inevitable towards the beginning of the pandemic, when we really didn’t know what tomorrow might bring. But after two years of dread and exhaustion, a round of take-backs and pin-the-tail-on-the-Saturday-night-social is not what we need. It feels as though we have entered something resembling a blame game stage: who is responsible for the new spread? Which sports team ending in “osse” ought to be shamed?

This has created something of a noticeable riff across campus. Tired and so desperately wanting this all to be over, it can get more than a little exasperating when that one person in class still has not learned that the mask goes above the nose. Yes, we are all Obies, so we have a tendency to treat each other with the utmost calmness, but things can get trying at times. However, despite some peers’ slow adaptability to or carelessness of the rules, we should still remember that, at the end of the day, it is the school being haphazard with us. Not only have we been expected to wait over a month for a trustworthy update, but we’ve had the rug pulled out from under us in a matter of days. Hours.

This haphazard nature also carries over to how

the college has been treating students in isolation. Many have said that they have only received only 1-2 meals a day and have been forced to rely on their friends for meal swipes. Meanwhile, the number of self-reported tests vastly outnumbers that of those offered by the college because the college simply can’t keep up. While the school is quick to revert back to mask mandates and chastise ambiguous Saturday night get-togethers, they cannot meet the needs of their isolated or symptomatic students. While asymptomatic students exposed to the virus are encouraged to “continue attending class or coming to work.”

Perhaps a reason for all of this madness is that we feel like we’re finally stepping, if with trembling feet, out of the pandemic stage. Granted, this is not up to us.

Fortunately, Dr. Fauci himself, on the 28th, said the nation is “out of the pandemic phase.” But the Washington Post quickly clarified: Dr. Fauci meant that the country is not out of the pandemic, but rather “the full blown explosive pandemic phase.” That still means we have a certain way about us to go. There will probably be several more curious cases of “social events hosted in student apartments” ahead of us. Or two friends who sit too close to one another on a bench in Tappan. Or some sort of spittle incident involving a brass instrument. The list of possibilities goes on ad infinitum. The important thing is that we don’t treat this incoming stage of the pandemic like a circus, as we step out of the more serious outcoming one. We still have to look out for each other, and the college, more acutely, for us—isolation sucks in May as much as it did in December. Perhaps, even more, with the sun out and everyone flocking to Wilder bowl. While we should not stop ourselves from flocking, we should still remember that it’s a relative privilege to do so.

Meanwhile, those stuck in their rooms should not have to both stare at the sun and go hungry.

A Wo r l d W i t h o u t O b e r l i n Kayla Kim

Contributor On April 26, 2022 Harvard released a 134 page report titled “Harvard and the Legacy of Slavery.” The findings revealed that four Harvard presidents owned slaves, 70 enslaved people lived on campus to serve students for over 150 years, and a plethora of professors promoted race science and eugenics in the 19th and 20th century. The next day, on April 27, they announced a 100 million dollar endowment to reassess their legacy.

When I first read this news, I thought of an article written by Caleb Dunson for the Yale Daily News titled “Abolish Yale”. He spoke about an experience attending an extravagant holiday ball hosted by Yale, complete with ice sculptures and a 10 foot loaf of bread.

This all occurred while homeless people froze outside in the cold. Reflecting on his experience, he said “There’s something unsettling about Yale, about the way it operates, about its very existence. And now, having sat with these uncomfortable feelings for a while, I have come to realize that Yale is a problem. To fix it, we must get rid of the University. Completely.” Dunson also talked about Yale’s philosophy that only a fraction of the population are worthy of its education. While the university is fully capable of accepting more students, the acceptance rate continues to plummet in order to preserve its prestige, ranking, and exclusivity.

With this information in mind, I thought, “What about Oberlin?” Our school is very different from Harvard and Yale. The College prides itself on being the first institution of higher learning in the United States to accept women and Black students. In fact, the College and the town played a substantial role in the abolitionist movement. However, Oberlin was founded by Christian abolitionists who wanted to “train teachers and other Christian leaders for the boundless most desolate fields in the West,” per Oberlin’s website. It’s important to note that the original tribe on Oberlin’s lands, the Erie, are not mentioned. Neither Oberlin’s website or admissions guides mention that Black students were slowly being segregated on campus, as Cally White wrote about in her book, “The Segregation of Black Students at Oberlin College after Reconstruction”, or that Edmonia Lewis was

forced off of campus because of the racism she experienced.

We still see inequity at Oberlin today. While the school did not release a detailed racial makeup of the Class of 2025, only 26 percent of the class were identified as ‘students of color.’ From 2018 to 2020, Black students had one of the lowest retention rates. Oberlin gained national attention in 2013 for having a ‘no trespass list’ for the College and downtown that was composed of low income and Black residents who committed ‘crimes’ like skateboarding on campus. Knowing that the median income for Oberlin families is $178,000, it’s jarring seeing rich students from New York and Los Angeles walk around pretending to be poor while the town of Oberlin’s poverty rate is about 28.1 percent. And like many college towns, it is much higher than the average poverty rate in the U.S. (11.4), mostly due to the fact that Oberlin is one of the largest landowners in the town.

Whether it’s Harvard, Yale, or Oberlin, I don’t think private colleges in the U.S. can be reformed, no matter how many buildings they rename or DEI committees they create. While Harvard is attempting to reform right now, it should be noted that their overall endowment of 53.2 billion could put an immediate end to both homelessness and hunger in this country. And yet, they’re only spending .0018% on their reform fund, an initiative that wouldn’t have ever happened without the labor of Black student activists (who aren’t even acknowledged in the acknowledgements of the report).

Simply put, all colleges harm the residents of the town they are situated in. The institutions are built off of the labor of Black and Indigenous people, and continue to see students as products and investments, not as actual people. So what would the abolition of colleges look like?

I don’t have all the answers, but I think it would be a world where we didn’t rely on acceptance rates for ranks of prestige, and where anyone can come to Oberlin regardless of how much they accomplished. Until that day comes, I think the best solution is to continue organizing and caring for the community, especially through mutual aid.

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Covid-Chella: Toxic Positivity and Trend Commericalism Anna Holshouser-Belden Staff Writer

Taking a casual Friday-afternoon scroll of the odd variety of headlines available on Apple News, I came across an article in the New York Times called “Searching for the ‘Vibe Shift’ at Coachella” by Eve Peyser. The article appeared in the Times’ style section, and reflected on shifting trends at the infamous music festival, which recently returned from its two-year Covid hiatus for two weekends in April. Through brief interviews with a

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few festival-goers, Peyser comes to the conclusion that 2022’s Coachella was home to a mood of “total joy,” with attendees displaying “unchecked optimism, for better or worse.” Though she never gives a specific opinion on the festival, her piece tends to lean towards a similar positive attitude to that of those she interviews, emphasizing a new sense of creative freedom and expressivity along with an overall hopeful attitude for the future postpandemic. Coachella is painted as some sort of mecca for Gen-Z, a “coming out party for 20-somethings,” after being “tragically cooped up during their prime partying years.” Interviewees describe the festival as being a

place to showcase their “full and authentic selves’’ after two years of pandemic introspection, with one college student attributing seeing Harry Styles live to finally being comfortable in his bisexuality and being surrounded by fellow young people to gaining hope that Gen-Z will handle the world’s various crises better than previous generations. After a quick read-through, I found myself feeling pretty confused. From everything else I’ve seen online or heard from peers, Coachella seemed like a playground for rich, white influencers to score new brand deals while dressed like basic sorority girls or wearing culturally appropriated headdresses, not an environment

for “regular” young people to reach new boundaries in terms of personal expression.

Now for a little more information about the festival itself, for those of us who usually attend Coverband Showcase that weekend instead. Coachella was started in 1999 by the entertainment company Goldenvoice, and has been hosted annually ever since, save for the last two years, with concert-goers forced to trade in flower crowns and glo-sticks for masks and hand sanitizer. Its first-ever lineup included a surprising variety of performers given the majority-pop lineups that have graced festival stages during the last seven or so years, including Beck, Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Cibo Matto, Kool Keith, Cornelius, Pavement, and Morissey. The festival ran for just two days rather than its usual six at Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Colorado Desert not far from Los Angeles. The next few years saw the likes of a Jane’s Addiction reunion, Weezer, The Roots, Bjork, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Foo Fighters, The Strokes, Belle and Sebastian, Mos Def, the Beastie Boys, Ladytron, Tegan and Sara, PJ Harvey, Radiohead, M.I.A., Wilco, Depeche Mode, Bauhaus, Daft Punk, and Prince.

This variety definitely wasn’t the Britney and JT I expected. Ticket prices, including parking and complimentary water bottles, ranged from $50-$80 without any extra fees. Historically, according to an article in Insider, Coachella was an affordable festival that offered space for a variety of niche audiences, which people looked to as the birthplace of organically-born trends in fashion and music each year. The Coachella of the early-2000s seemed more in line with the claims Peyser tried to make than this year’s festival, which leaves me wondering: Did Coachella used to be cool? How did it get to be the way it is now?

A little research led me to the discovery of a few key shifts in the make-up of Coachella that have led it to be the way it is today, the first taking place in 2008, when tickets did not sell out for the first time since 2003, causing Goldenvoice to lose profits through a combination of sales and high booking fees. At this point, though they’d already been gradually raising prices, the festival realized that they could begin to charge a lot more; the three years following the 2008 fiasco saw a ticket price increase from $90 to $269, and then from $269 to $349 in the years afterwards. What had once been an at least semi-affordable event was becoming more and more elite, beginning to attract the kind of wealth that it does today. Part of the drastic price increase came with a new policy in 2010 in which single-day tickets ceased to be sold, replaced by threeday passes as the festival expanded from two to three days, allowing a major increase in ticket revenue. The 2012 festival expanded Coachella into the six days it is now, split up into two three-day weekends with identical lineups, doubling what had already been an increase in revenue into a surplus. As prices rose, names became bigger and bigger until only those with vast amounts of listeners could play the festival; usually these were pop musicians. Simultaneously to the price explosion a technological explosion was happening, with the late 2000s and early 2010s seeing the transformation of flip phones into smart phones with cameras and countless available forms of social media.

Being able to post images and videos so quickly completely changed the attendee experience. A photo from 2004 in Insider shows Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips being held by the crowd in a large plastic bubble, a crowd with little to no smart phones visible, drastically different from the vlogging culture present at concerts and festivals today.

Coachella 2022 has split ticket prices into three tiers, with the cheapest being $449 and the most expensive priced at $1119, of course without any extra fees, parking and housing costs, or food prices factored in. This could buy a round trip flight to Europe, the newest iPhone, or a month’s rent, and is instead spent on a festival that is quickly going out of style, a comparison I think illuminates attendees’ priorities. On top of this, the festival holds no mask mandate, no vaccination requirements, and no testing policy during the second surge in Omicron cases that has been taking place in the last couple of weeks. Basically, unless you’re extremely wealthy and can afford to get Covid right now, you can kiss Coachella tickets goodbye.

The performers this year include Harry Styles, Billie Eilish, Swedish House Mafia, the Weeknd, Megan Thee Stallion, Doja Cat, Phoebe Bridgers, 21 Savage, and Flume; reaching a threshold that is pop-ier than ever before. There is nothing that could be argued as being even close to “underground,” no new trends that haven’t already cracked their way through into the mainstream. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong about the “mainstream,” of course, but when searching for an environment that provides young people with a vehicle of self-expression, Coachella would not be where it’s found. In fact, a lot of festival-goers these days travel out to the Colorado desert

presented by

Coachella continued

venue to gain social media clout, or expand that which they already have. The festival is running amok with celebrities, and brands such as Revolve, a high-end women’s clothing brand, hire Instagram gurus to post pictures promoting their wares. A quick search under the hashtag #revolvefestival displays countless identical skinny white women posing in front of the brand’s mini festival-within-a-festival, a desperate stunt at setting trends for those scrolling through their feeds. So unless you’re a social media brand ambassador or a Euphoria star, steer clear of Indio, California this time of year.

To return to Peyser’s article, was this so-called infectious optimism she was seeing at the most recent festival actually what it appeared to be? I don’t think so. Two weekends of self-expression and post-Covid emotional release in the desert sounds nice, but I feel that this is an overly positive and unrealistic view of Coachella. To me, it seems more like the superficiality capital of the world, a genuinely intriguing music festival turned into a vessel for the fashion and music industries to hammer predictable trends into the public eye through two weekends worth of mass social media bombardment. Finally, the people who can afford to spend upwards of $500 on one weekend are not those who are starting genuine cultural trends, and those described by Peyser as “children twirling in the desert” during a global pandemic represent recklessness and fatigue, not positive social change.

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The Kardashians (2022) and Reality TV in the Age of Streaming Fionna Farrell Staff Writer

To use a favorite Obie buzzword (in)correctly, my first memory of Netflix is trapped in the liminal spaces of my brain.

I was thirteen, living in a daze. What could possibly save me from the adolescent pain of unrequited love and factoring trinomials? Obviously, the answer was House of Cards. In 2013, everyone was talking about that show, so I, too, had to join in on the trend—even though I had not quite learned what the duties of the Secretary of State were. Alas, that’s just how it was back then; without 250 original series to choose from across streaming platforms, we were all tethered to the monolith. HOC was not actually Netflix’s first-ever original series—that title goes to Lillyhammer, a since-forgotten Norwegian crime drama—but it was the first one to really get people’s attention. Not bad for their second try. And with its swift introduction of the binge-watching model, the series had everyone raving over Twitter as opposed to the water cooler.

We’ve all known what’s happened since then. In 2022, streaming services now seem to have a vise-like grip over television — not just what’s put out there, but how it’s marketed to, and hence digested by us. Has any genre of TV dared to slither out of this sleeper hold?

Perhaps the Kardashians have, as they do their black latex suits. Of course, “the Kardashians” is not a genre —rather, they are more of a symptom of the post-Real World reality TV that became bitingly popular c. 2007. In its first iteration, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians’’ became the highest-rated series aired on Sunday nights for adults. The series continued for roughly fourteen years, airing its final episode in June of last year. That was after ratings had plummeted, amassing weekly viewers in the ten-thousands compared to their former millions.

On April 14th, Hulu aired its first episode of “The Kardashians”---no, not “Keeping Up With,” but rather an entirely new series aimed at freshness and novelty. Indeed, we definitely get that, stylistically, with the first episode—at least, its opening sequence. The show opens with a series of drone shots through the various family members’ houses, which are all homogeneously dazzling (even

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though Khloe’s is being renovated). Then we move to their places of work, including Kylie Cosmetics headquarters, where we fly around pink signs that say “Kylie.” In the series’ title card, the K women pose in an array of off-white outfits. They look purified and professional—-Kylie may be pregnant, but the women appear haunting and reborn.

Kim tells us a bit about her life while she’s been taking a break from filming the past year. In her own words, she has been focusing on studying for the bar exam and being a mom. Her discussion of cleaning her kids’ playroom is harrowingly honest: “That kind of stuff gets me horny, to clean out my kids’ fucking play room.”

In this regard, we do actually get a fair dosage of sweet, sweet reality. Perhaps this has to do, too, with the show’s usage of fourth wall breaks. In this new iteration, the fourth wall breaks make the show, at times, feel like more of a documentary than a reality TV show—like when Kim looks directly into the camera while heating up a plate of chicken nuggets to say “I’m only a vegan sometimes.”

But that’s about the most of it. For the rest of the show, we find ourselves easing back into the swing of things. We get updates on the three major partnerships: Kimye, Kravis, and Toe, with, for some reason, an appearance from Scott Disick.

The drama of the episode comes to a helm when Kim decides to sue Roblox, who posted an ad for her “new sex tape.” This is right before Kim is scheduled to host SNL. In the pilot of KUWTK, Kim was also dealing with a sex tape, and was also set to guest on a very popular show—The Tyra Banks Show.

Things come around full circle.

For Hulu, this is far from a bad thing—for now. On April 20th, Variety reported that The Kardashians has become Hulu’s biggest series premiere in history. Were these all just loyal KUWTK fans performing their duties to their rulers? Or, perhaps, could a new crowd have been pulled into the thrall? In either case, the truly salient question is: when will people stop watching? I know that sometimes I can’t resist the temptation to mindlessly click on whatever the banner presents me with—especially on Sunday nights, when mind-numbing vocal fry is just what I’m in the mood for. But that by no means means that I’ll keep watching. Unless

something particularly historical happens, like when Kim has her first court case (to clarify: as a lawyer, not plaintiff).

I suppose that could happen anytime within the next year or the next decade. In the meantime, I think it’s fair to say that The Kardashians’ initial success as a reality show will also contribute to its downfall. After a period of time yet unknown to us, its audience will simply lose interest, just as they did with KUWTK—-that could be after a few more episodes or a few more seasons alike. The truth of the matter is, despite its superficial novelties, that admittedly do give the show a fresh flair, it really isn’t that different from what it used to be. What if it were bingeable?

Maybe that would be a different story.

Maybe that would make certain temptations for brain cell killers harder to resist.

But for now, we have bingeable series that do just the opposite—high concept, or even just, well, mid-range concept shows that make a fuss about wanting to give us something new. Something not just attentiongrabbing, but really worth our attention.

That’s become an invaluable currency these days.

I’ve heard the new one is Apple TV’s Severance. It’s a shame that I unsubscribed to that platform once I got fed up with Ted Lasso’s optimism. Because here is the description of that show: “Mark leads a team of office workers whose memories have been surgically divided between their work and personal lives; when a mysterious colleague appears outside of work, it begins a journey to discover the truth about their jobs.” It stars Adam McKay. I mean, Adam Scott. Same thing.

Reality TV will never change.

There is a secret formula located within that will stand the test of time. We can make it look different, more hyperfocused and avant garde, but at the end of the day, it is people’s lives on camera. Whether that be in the Real World house or Kim’s home or the Bachelor mansion. There’s a certain sadness I do feel for reality TV in the age of streaming. Yes, Severance looks cool, but I’m not sure if I have the capacity for that right now. At Oberlin, I readily admit that Brian Eno’s ambient music soothes my ears; I won’t keep it a secret that Kim’s ambient voice has the capacity to soothe my soul in these troubled times.

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How to teach your partner empathy when you are also a soul-sucking demon Juli Freedman

Bad Habits Editor So you found your toxic bae for toxic bae spring.

You’re codependent. You guys bicker loudly at important family ordeals. You have run through every food taster in the kingdom because you can’t stop trying to poison each other. You catch bae looking at instagram model and light their car on fire. But wow the sex is really fucking bomb. Oh boy have I been there! One sloppy toppy, extra sloppy please! But now you are entering empathy bae summer— oh no! Empathy bae summer is all about making nice with family, eating uncontaminated food, respecting bae’s phone time, keeping the car intact, and having ‘good enough’ sex. As a soul sucking demon this can be quite a terrifying endeavor. You may be thinking, guess I have to let go of toxic bae, right? WRONG! Here are a few ways you can keep toxic bae, but just change them. Manipulating the other person to be more like yourself is what relationships are all about!

1) Raise a kid together!

We all know the saying, “there’s no wrong way to raise a child! All parents are perfect!” So why not just give it a shot because what’s there to lose?! You can indulge in some of your toxic behaviors, for instance, when friends ask to hang out with you but you would rather only ever hang out with bae ever, just say you are busy with “the kid.” No one can say shit to you AND your codependency gets fed like the worms you will be chewing and spitting into a baby mouth.

2) Positive Reinforcement

Pavlov dog your toxic bae into empathy! Bae makes you no cum? Bae can get a tiny treat. Like a teenyweeny chocolate truffle. Soul-sucking demons go fucking nutzo for some chocolate truffles, just like dogs. Maybe they ask you how your day was or if you have feelings in general (which I know can feel super clingy and annoying) but maybe you reward them with some light lying — because soul sucking demons are too busy sucking souls to have feelings— and a teensy-weensy little baby chocolate truffle.

3) Go with them to therapy without them knowing

They won’t write about it in Psychology Today, but the biggest secret in the biz is that in most therapists’ offices, there is a tiny gloryhole. Most therapists offices are really just converted brothels, if it wasn’t obvious already. And behind that gloryhole, is a room where your parents and best friends sit and listen to you. If bae already knows about this, then tell them you got a special hole-free shrinks, and with the right amount of cash, hole therapists will pretend to be super anti-hole.

4) Just doing what you do best. . .

Suck their fucking soul! Do they have a personality? A group of friends? A level of taste? An ethical code? NOT ANYMORE! The best thing about this is by harboring their evil sadistic soul in your sacred amulet, you can always give it back once toxic bae spring returns. Remember, while they may never appreciate your soul sucking, it really was for the best.

Art by Priya Banerjee

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This is The Oberlin Grape’s recurring installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexolo-

gist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or how to seduce a lover with a little trail of peanut M&Ms (pretty self-explanatory) feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags by emailing thegrape@ oberlin.edu

Dear dr. Gags, I’m a senior and still a virgin! At first it was for religious reasons, but now that I have been excommunicated from the Catholic Church, I’m dying to lose it!”

Pray for me!

-The Immaculate Contraception Dear The Immaculate Contraception, As a God Lover myself, and by God I obviously mean L. Ron Hubbard, I totally know what you mean by having your religion be a pesky little roadblock to being a total fucking skank.

But here’s a little trick I have learned along the way: tell everyone what a sex freak you are, how you have sex everyday seven times a day, and how yoou lost your virginity at the top of a ferris wheel on your sixteenth birthday while you were on your period and the carney was all like was someone murdered here?!?! And you were like “no one was murdered . . .unless you are talking about just my suuuuuper tight pussy and flappy labia.” Everyone you tell this to will laugh so hard they would dare to doubt your popped cherry status. You will have everyone feasting over this sex god, you might just have sex that night in the tornado shelter! Be careful of the rusty nails!

To all the shots we need to get, Gags

Dear Gags, I just started hooking up with this guy who wears earrings and explained each shot of his favorite Bob Dylan documentary to me for three hours. He’s so cute and smart. The one issue is that he can’t cum unless he’s listening to noise music... and I hate noise music.

-Bad Noise Boning Dear Bad Noise Boning, Honey bun, I’m so sorry. You are truly screwed. May I ask, are both ears pierced or just one? Back in my day, having one ear pierced (left one) meant gay…so you should check in on that for sure. Never let a man talk for longer than 3 minutes at a time. I have lived my whole life by that rule, and look at me now!! 5 boy children, a minivan and this fckn column! Also, I do not believe he necessarily “needs” to cum. And what if, instead of that loud music, you scream in his face instead?? I have definitely done that, and it has always worked for me! Why don’t you try the screaming thing and get back to me. If that does not work, I would call it quits <3.

Love love love, Gags

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Makayla’s Bomb-Ass Bakery: Baking for Real Niggas Have you ever wanted to eat a cookie and see the world differently? Thought about dashing to the store for a drink after eating a brownie? Perhaps you’ve craved a pie that would make you breathe fire? Maybe you were just hungry?

like one of those coffee shots from Decafe, except a brownie, decaffeinated, and not +2 Flex Points. I don’t recommend eating multiple of these at once for your health, but it’s way better than tweaking off two or three coffees.

If any of these average scenarios apply to you, then you gotta head on down to Makayla’s Bomb-Ass Bakery!

Their sneaky snickerdoodle cookies give you night vision, so bringing some of these out will be great if you’re up to some late-night debauchery with friends. I recommend using them in tandem with the blitz brownies for some night parkour that the cops can’t stop. After all, how you finna catch up to people running at the speed of a car jumping from building to building? A nigga like me would quit the day I saw that shit.

Here at Makayla’s Bomb-Ass Bakery, every treat has something unique to make your day-to-day life at Oberlin easier. If you’ve ever been studying in Mudd and dreading anyone perceiving you, then an invisibility muffin (cinnamon or vanilla) may be what you need! Wanna have your professor count your presence for attendance and then answer no questions? Eat an invisibility muffin and revamp your classroom experience! They’re also great for hooking up on more wacky locations for the next Oberlin Confessions Page to repost.

Maybe you have a 9:00 am that you just can’t seem to ever get to on time? I know I gotta do better, and one of Makayla’s blitz brownies will do the trick. Eating one will make you twice as fast and alert for 15 minutes. They’re

The heated cherry hand pies make you breathe fire, and they’re one of my personal favorites. I eat em when I feel like being in my dragon era for draggin fuck niggas. You can also eat a small bite and turn yourself into a quick lighter. I’d also like to take this moment to remind everyone Oberlin College is a tobacco-free campus, and the Bomb-Ass Bakery takes no responsibility for what you may do with our products.

Finally, Makayla’s cheat cake lets you see the future and comes in chocolate, vanilla, and red velvet. Wanna see the consequences of going to Long Island Night the night before your midterm? Have a slice of cheat cake with your drink of choice. Maybe you haven’t found out why you’re in college? The cheat cake will save you all the trouble of experimenting and having that pesky character development.

I almost forgot, but all of Makayla’s food is gluten and dairy-free, and they can attempt vegan stuff upon request. The powers are lit and everything, but I gotta advertise what really matters.

If you tryna get in on some of the goodies, Makayla’s Twitter handle is @OB_Bakery, and their Instagram is o.b.bakery. Hit them or me up if you wanna try some of their many tasty treats and gain a new superpower.

Disclaimer: Makayla’s actual food won’t give you superpowers, but it’s very delicious, and I recommend it regardless.

Reggie Goudeau Staff Writer

L e v i D a y a n ’ s W i l d T a k e s a nd I n s a n e P r e d i c t i o n s C o m p e nd i u m : W h o w i l l s p e a k at c o m m e n c e m e nt ?

Welcome back to the second installment in this new recurring column focusing on the most fucked up crazy shit that is almost certain to happen in the not-too-distant future. Folks, commencement season is fast approaching, and everyone’s dicks are in a tussle trying to figure out who the administration has tapped to follow in the footsteps of prestigious past commencement speakers such as Adlai Stevenson, Fareed Zakaria, and (no joke) noted white supremacist Woodrow Wilson. Fortunately, your dicks need not be in a tussle any longer, because through my acute ability to make predictions I’ve achieved access to a shortlist of potential speakers.

Howard Dean Though residents of the great state of Vermont only makes up 0.002% of the US population, Vermonters make up a whopping 40% of the Oberlin student body (according to a twitter poll). Considering all of the contributions Vermont has made towards making this campus

its weird, quirky, granola-boofing self, it only makes sense that front-runner for this year’s commencement address is the single most prominent politician / former presidential candidate in Vermont history: Screamin’ Howard Dean. And if my knowledge and foresight of the future hasn’t failed me yet, all sources suggest that the former governor already has a speech prepared, which I’ve sampled below: Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. The knowledge this sacred institution has imbued in your spirit is something that you will carry far beyond the great state of Ohio. You’re gonna carry it with you to New York. And LA. And Chicago! And Philly!! And Brooklyn!!! AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA GO TO WASHINGTON TO WORK ON THE HILL!!!! BYAAAAAH Howard Schultz Of all the potential commencement speakers, no one

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has bigger quirky Oberlin vibes than the original hipster coffee man Howard Schultz. The Starbucks CEO and former presidential campaign-considerer has already won over the board of trustees with his alternative union mitigation ideas, and it’s only a matter of time before he wins the hearts and minds of Obies with his charm, good looks, and indie sensibilities. And once again, barring an unprecedented failure in my prediction abilities that has only a 0.01% chance of happening, my sources indicated that Mr. Schultz also has a speech prepared, which I have once again sampled below: Many years ago, I took a trip to Israel and I met this very wise pious, religious man. He taught me many lessons not about religion but about life, about morality, about honor. I hope it resonates with you. I’m Jewish, but this isn’t about being Jewish, not at all. It’s about humanity. He told me a story of how, when people in Germany and in Poland were sent to the concentration camps, they were thrown into rail cars and sometimes

Summers Hottest Accessory Juli Freedman

Bad Habits Editor We here at Bad Habits Corporation at Oberlin Fashion School for the Wicked are always on the pulse of the hottest trends. Last summer we predicted that the hottest trend would be cheese cubes, and, I mean, fuck aren’t we sick of them now. Can’t stand the sight of them. Diarrhea on command. So for this summer, we knew we had to go straight to the source for an insider peek of what Summer 2022 will be all about.

We surveyed 100 of the hottest girls on campus, and to no one’s surprise the answer was the same: Cigars. There is nothing like a thick hunk of rich, robust tobacco out a chick’s mouth that compliments every outfit. A 7-inch Montecristo White with a dykey (as in aesthetic, not for real! gross!) Carhart! Or perhaps a Churchill with your snakeskin knee-high boot! For the most sweltering heat, consider a Macanudo to pair with your DollsKill mesh onesie! The possibilities are endless! Don’t wanna blow in some tar? Wee ooo wee ooo there goes the fashion police! 100% of the hot girls also clarified that you MUST be smoking it for the full effect. If you aren’t going to light up, why even try waking up in the morning?

From the runways of Milan to Bella Hadid’s sperm bank run in West Hollywood, the ultimate trendsetters agree, cigars are IT. When the paps approached miss Hadid about her Padron, she said “ay you sonova bitch get out me fuckin wey bozo!” and ashed on TMZ correspondent Tadpole Tracy in the ear. Iconic.

With the predicted rise of cigars among teen fashionistas, we must ask, do doctors approve? Hell yeah they do! “Well if it’s for fashion then it’s okay” says unlicensed gynecologist Dr. Kurt Cobain. Dr. Cobain states, “The effects of bullying on the average not hot loser is way more detrimental to the mind and body than the effects of smoking. No it’s not 100% safe, sure, but I will fight [to the death] any teen girl that looks like shit, and that’s 0% safe.” When can I schedule another appointment with this guy, am I right ladies??

So you heard it here first, get lit or have the lit get you fuckers. the journey was 8 hours, 10 hours, 15 hours no light, no water, no food. And one person for every 6 was given a blanket. And the person who got the blanket had to decide what to do with this blanket that I had for myself. And not everyone but most people shared their blanket with 5 other people. And the rabbi says to me take a blanket and go share it with 5 other people. And so much of that story is threaded into what we have tried to do at Starbucks, which is to share our cum rag. That’s what you people do here, right? Also if you join a union after college you will make me fucking cry.

Ron Howard Ron Howard is such an obvious choice for commencement speaker that including him here almost feels unfair. How any student could not have a commencement address from Mr. Howard absolutely make their time at Oberlin is stupefying. If his adorable grin, delightful cameo as a child star on the most heartwarming episode of The Twilight Zone, and role in directing the creepy live action Grinch movie have not already made Oberlin students transcend their earthly forms, a commencement speech surely wouldn’t hurt.

And, as a bonus, his 2020 film adaptation of Hillbilly Elegy was a huge inspiration on noted Oberlin alumnus, and fellow filmmaker named Howard, Howard Bongiovi. Without Ron Howard, Mr. Bongiovi says he “wouldn’t have realized” it was even possible to make a movie about “all the totally weird shit all the poor people are doing in Ohio.” So thanks for that, Ron!

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A list of six gay guys.

Just ten years before today, this wouldn’t have been possible. But today, thanks to the significant progress this country has made in accepting members of the LGBTQ+ community, we can now make lists such as this one. So here, without further ado, are six gay guys, in no particular order.

Kevin Matthews The first of our six gay guys is none other than one Kevin Matthews. Matthews, or “Kev” as friends and some acquaintances are known to call him, is a 34 year old accountant from Springfield, Ohio. His favorite food is ice cream, and he considers himself more of a dog person.

David Parnell Coming in strong as the second gay guy on this list is the one and only David Parnell. The 45-year old Parnell, or “Dave” as friends call him, is the manager of a hardware store in Pueblo, Colorado. Parnell says that he is not qualified to comment on whether or not his store carries the most diverse selection of tool storage units in Colorado, as he has not seen enough of the state. However, he adds that he believes it would be a “reasonable estimate” to claim that his store is somewhere “pretty close” to the top in that respect.

Steve Taylor It’s fair to say that this 56 year old small business owner from Danville, Virginia has certainly earned a spot on this list of six gay guys. You may have mixed up this gay man with Steven Tyler, the lead singer of the band Aerosmith. Taylor, however, has confirmed to us that he “does not mind” being confused with the legendary frontman, as he considers the band to be “pretty rockin’”.

Tim Richardson Four spots into this list is this 49 year old real estate agent from St. Cloud, Minnesota. Richardson’s favorite actor is Tom Hanks, but he says that “if you catch him on the right day,” he might tell you he’s “more of a Clooney guy.”

Toby Meyers Toby Meyers, a 28 year old insurance agent from Albuquerque, New Mexico, may be the most controversial selection for this list. Upon determining Meyers was the right choice for this list, The Grape contacted him to inform him of his selection and was met with the confused voice of Chris Schneider, a 41-year old paralegal who is decidedly not a gay man. This called the very nature of this list into question. However, this confusion was soon cleared up when we were informed that Schneider was the next door neighbor of Meyers. Meyers, whose favorite book is F. Scott Gitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, was happy to be included in this list. Schneider, to his credit, was a good sport about the mix-up, stating he was not offended by the mishap “as long as my wife knows I’m still straight.”

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Todd Smith Last but certainly not least (actually, possibly least, considering this list is in no particular order) is Albany, Georgia’s own Todd Smith. The 37 year old car repairman is fond of the warm weather of his native state, but also said that he wouldn’t mind getting the chance to witness snow at some point in his life.

Flip to check your work

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ACROSS 1. Big, slimy, yellow decomposer named after a fruit 12. A calorie counter’s soda choice 13. Freshwater finless fish 15. American casual dining chain 16. Sick 18. Type of hound 19. Mario and Luigi 20. Lots of the fourth letter of the alphabet, phonetically 21. Do this to your own horn 22. Perfect score 23. Twain who sings 25. Do-si-___ 26. A member of the LDS Church 27. What Beefeaters are doing 24/7 29. Do this to a dull pencil again 32. Resentful or angry DOWN 2. An advisor has these 3. Company who’s rating system measures TV audiences 4. Belonging to American Eagle’s underwear brand 5. A/B/__ test 6. Monkey 7. Salt in France 8. Vinyl 9. Where we live in a larger sense

16. Where the chemical element ‘Fe’ is

23. …as a whip

10. HBO show based on Oberlin

collected

24. French angel

grads

17. Keeps your skin soft

27. Health Insurance company that rebranded as EmblemHealth

11. Baton Rouge Concert Band

19. A lodger

28. Use Acceptance Testing acronym

acronym

21. First Indigenous Olympic athlete to

30. Type of dash whose name comes from the combined length of

14. Say this when you plead self-

win a gold medal for the United States

these two letters

defense

22. To love

31. Chemical symbol for Antimony

27

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