OBERLIN’S ALTERNATIVE STUDENT NEWS SOURCE READ ONLINE AT THEOBERLINGRAPE.COM
Editors-in-Chief
Content Editors
Copy Editors
Ellie Tremayne Caspian Alavi-Fllint
Hannah Jackel-Dewhurst Andy Goelzer Taylor Slay Isabel Klein
Hannah Tobin-Bloch Luke Fortney Patrick McCabe Cecilia Wallace
Production Editors Jessica Moskowitz Mikaela Fishman Leora Swerdlow Natalie Hawthorne
EST. 1999
November 4th, 2016
Web Editor
Photo Editor
Caro Fernandez
Emma Webster
Staff Writer Kameron Dunbar
AN AVERAGE GUY FROM TEXAS EMAILED THE GRAPE ABOUT COINS The grape’s email inbox is a constant source of originally compelling situations, if you read our second issue, you’ll know what I’m talking about. For this issue, we want to examine a situation that is so absurd, we can’t believe it actually happened. It’s the kind of situation that you only see in TV shows. The plotline goes something along the lines of this: the protagonist receives an email from a stranger and the email is so allusive or emblematic of discovery that it changes the trajectory of the mundane towards some haunting and twisted adventure. Our adventure started on October 11rth with an email from an undisclosed fantasy coin minter from Texas, who we will call Benny for the sake of preserving his anonymity. Benny initially emailed us about ad rates so my correspondence was pretty surface as it begun but very quickly spiraled out of control to the point where I, Caspian, was feeling somewhat emotional about the exchange. I thought I was going crazy, screaming inside, I texted Ellie about my feelings. When I told Benny that we only print ads according to what will benefit the student
body (such as a speaker or a musical event) and it’s usually accompanied with an image or a doodle, I was seriously over formalizing the process of throwing in a flyer on whim, so when Benny said, “What an interesting sounding concept. Could I get a sample issue with an example or two of this type of branding,” I thought what “branding” was he talking about? What “concept”? For some reason I was really angry that he would think we had any serious methodology for advertising. I think Ellie felt the same way, like who is this guy? I told Benny the adverts were only for students and then he said “ My fantasy coins was what I was looking at advertising. Tom Maringer once minted most all of my coins but his Game of Thrones coins and finally getting rights to sell The Hobbit coins, he’s finally so busy he has to have a staff.” Which made me think, here’s a guy who loves coins. While I admired Benny’s tact for pursuing what he wants in life, I still felt frustrated in the way he kept sending email after email about our “curation” and our “tactics” so I responded “I think you may have gotten the wrong impression of the paper. We’re just
BACK COMIC BY SAM MEIER
kids. Sorry about your coins and Tom Maringer. Good Luck” Here’s how Benny responded.
Maringer has this big coin minting company, yeah he has a staff, but Benny is getting stuff done the way he wants to get it done, Benny is
you think is better than you, always someone who you think is more successful, but you are not the same as everyone else. The way your achievement looks is different than the way their achievement looks. The reason Benny is so confident in what he does is not because he’s the “best coin minter” out there, even he knows that, but it’s because Benny “never let [his] mind hold [him] back.” So that’s what we are going to do, at the Grape. We are not going to let our age make us into a joke. paper that doesn’t take ourselves seriously, we’re gonna be as real as possible, reflect our schoolwide voice. We aren’t ‘just kids’ and I’m sorry I ever said that. Benny “didn’t set the world on fire” but he sure made a spark. Thank you Benny.
I never responded, partly because I felt so stupid for being angry at Benny. I kept wanting to be right about everything but Benny reminded me of something I had forgotten in my life. Inexperience or ‘youth’ doesn’t mean you can’t be successful. I mean yeah, sure, Tom
this “average guy” who made something out of nothing. In order to be successful in the way you want, you can’t say “it’s too late for me,” or “I’m not good enough,” you have be like Benny and just start working on shaping your own world. Sure, there will always be someone who
Best, Your Co-Editor and Chiefs, Caspian and Ellie P.s. Here is his website, check it out: http://www.bluewatersmint.com/
A WILDER STUDENT UNION UNIONIZING STUDENTS AND LEVERAGING TUITION
By Jake Berstein Contributor
Administrative decision making at Oberlin is not democratic. As a private institution, it operates as a business with revenue streams, operating budgets, and the fundamental goal of profit. So where do students fit into this equation? How do we make the changes happen that we want to see? Some people look towards our Student Senate as the answer to this question, but a reliance on Student Senate suggests that our school is run more democratically than it really is. That is not to say that student senate is not an incredibly important and valuable arm of student activism, it is simply to say that this is not the end of the story. Third year Matthew Kornberg, a student senator themselves, has envisioned and begun organizing a new way for students to demand changes. Their idea is to organize students into a union in order to leverage our tuition against the administration. This idea may find fertile ground at Oberlin given the school’s financial situation. “Oberlin is exceptionally tuition dependent,” says Kornberg. According to the Finance Budget Overview powerpoint given by Mike
Frandsen, Oberlin’s VP for Finance and Administration, 83% of the school’s revenue comes through student tuition. This means that the school’s operation on a yearly basis is heavily dependent on tuition payment and thus student enrollment. According to Frandsen’s report, since 2011, Oberlin’s enrollment has stayed the same and its revenue has gone up 3.7%, but the school’s expenses are up 3.9%. That means the school is running a budget deficit which is predicted to rise in the coming years. To summarize, Oberlin is incredibly dependent on tuition and fees as a total percent of its revenue, more so than many of our peers according to Frandsen, and is struggling to increase enrollment in the face of rising yearly expenses and an increasing budget. This is the financial context in which Kornberg sees a great opportunity for student unionization. “We currently have a budget deficit of about $1.5 million dollars. By threatening to double or triple that, we could get the administration to agree to certain demands which would be to the benefit of the entire student body.”
The total cost for full-tuition students including tuition, room and board, health and activity fees is around $66,000 per semester. If you run the numbers, just twenty full-tuition students wield $1.3 million worth of power. With larger membership, the organization has the capacity to leverage a sizable portion of the school’s revenue. The organization is still in its planning phases and its goals are still being figured out. “I think some tangible and achievable goals would be increasing student representation on the presidential search committee, student representation on hiring committees, student representation on the board of trustees,” says Kornberg. “And in general,” they continue, “student representation I think is something that the we can pretty easily push for as it doesn’t really cost the administration anything.” The organization is focussing on the idea of the credible threat to student transfers. “It starts building up these workshops to make the transfer process much more transparent by showing which programs at other schools might be cheaper or better for certain students,”
explains Kornberg. “And then also,” they continue, “trying to disseminate information to potential future students to potentially warn them against coming here if the administration will not work with us.” If the organizing could have a semi-credible threat of removing millions of dollars worth of tuition through transfers, it would force the administration to either pull more from the endowment or work with them. Financial power is also leveraged by other groups who provide revenue for the school. The alumni continuously use this tactic to achieve goals despite the fact that alumni donations account for less than 5% of Oberlin’s revenue. “I believe that as students we should really try to be leveraging our financial power,” says Kornberg, “which the alumni are pretty good at doing because they tend to be more organized.” Organizing students and forcing the administration to consider their necessity in the yearly operation of the school is one way that students can begin to fix many of the problems that they see with the administration.
SPOOK-VEMBER...? HOW TO KEEP SPOOKY ALL YEAR ROUND By Celina Siegel Contributer
Sad that another Halloween has come and gone? Don’t be! Scary movies never stop being scary, even when they’ve stopped being seasonal. So hit up the CVS clearance section, drape some fake cobwebs around yourself and your loved one, and snuggle up to ten stellar representatives of these horror subgenres. Slasher: Scream (Craven, 1996) Okay so a creepy creepy man with an oddly sexy voice has seen a lot of slasher movies and he does this thing where he calls people up in a spooky way and then murders them. Honestly just watch any trailer that has ever been made about it and it will include the opening scene from the movie and you’ll understand. Zombie: Dawn of the Dead (Romero, 1978) Here are some fun facts: when George Romero first made Night of the Living Dead, it was not a movie about zombies, or political statements. Instead it was just a chill movie about undead cannibals. But then everyone THOUGHT it was a zombie movie with a statement, so he was like “cool it’s a zombie movie with a statement” and then he made Dawn of the Dead, which is DEFINITELY a zombie movie with a statement. About the evils of consumerism! Because it’s set in a shopping mall and zombies literally CONSUME people. Get it?? Giallo: Suspiria (Argento, 1977) If you are big on primary colors, this is the movie for you. There are a LOT of primary colors. Also blood.
Body Horror: Teeth (Lichtenstein, 2007) David Cronenberg may have created a lot of the genre’s staples, but seriously, what’s more body horror than discovering you have teeth in your vagina??
purpose (although its sequel, Evil Dead II, is funny AND on purpose), and also it’ll help you understand what Sam Raimi was doing before he directed ~the best Marvel movie series ever~
Supernatural: The Devil’s Backbone (Del Toro, 2001) Everyone is too busy appreciating Pan’s Labyrinth to remember this one, but it came first and is way cooler than people give it credit for. Yes, Pan has the giant animatronic fawn and the creepy hand-eye person, but Backbone has a spooky-ass ghost boy whose face looks like a porcelain doll that someone dropped the wrong way. Is also a fun history lesson about the Spanish Civil War, sort of.
Don’t-Have-Sex Horror: It Follows (Mitchell, 2014) Okay so this isn’t really a horror subgenre but also definitely describes a lot of movies and also It Follows is pretty important so I kind of made up a subgenre for it. Basically, a girl sleeps with a guy and then the guy is like “surprise you just got an “Demon” that you HAVE to pass on asap or it will find you and kill you.” Not-so-subtle abstinence-only message here? Unclear. But this movie is terrifying. Like, I spent most of it brainstorming ways I could pass on the “Demon” if I ever got it.
Psychological: Stoker (Park, 2013) This movie gets a bad rap because its plot is a little flimsy, but it’s also pretty spooky and SUPER pretty. Imagine if the guy who made Oldboy kind of borrowed a plotline from an Alfred Hitchcock movie but made it sexier. Mumblegore: Creep (Brice, 2014) 80% of the reason I like this genre is because it’s a pun. Basically a found-footage movie about two guys who hang out for a day and one of them is SUPER weird. He is the creep. Demonic Possession: The Evil Dead (Raimi, 1981) The cheesy gross-out claymation effects in this movie may be cheesy, but they still succeeded in making me feel physically ill! This movie is funny but not on
Deconstruction: The Cabin in the Woods (Goddard, 2012) The crown jewel of horror comedy/deconstruction/ parody/don’t-have-sex/slasher/zombie movie!! Seriously, Cabin has it all. The Evil Dead fans will appreciate their favorite movie being deconstructed, the Buffy fans will appreciate Joss Whedon’s authorial hand, the West Wing fans will appreciate Bradley Whitford’s presence (or maybe that’s just me? oh.), the graphic violence fans will appreciate the graphic violence, and the comedy fans will appreciate how funny it is! Someone gets stabbed with a unicorn!! I love this movie.
INTERNET GOVERNMENTS FACEBOOK GROUPS AS A REFLECTION OF POLITICS By Andres Gonzalez Contributer
There are moments in history that are a privilege to witness, when all who watch know that something is irrevocably different. How strange it must seem to watch a revolution from your living room or listen to impeachment proceedings on your way to work. But this is not new, and no more ink should be spilled on media coverage of Vietnam, or what it was like to witness the first moon landing. Instead I want to talk to you about Facebook groups. I want to do this because in the creation, life and end of a certain type of Facebook group, we see many of the same forces, dynamics and figures as on the news and in history. While we might study the protests in Tiananmen Square or the fall of the USSR, we may not always notice how these and other moments in time are reenacted online in the context of these groups. Moreover, at a time when many Americans are becoming aware of just how hard it is to understand the their own political system, Facebook groups can serve as microcosmic, yet powerful examples of how political and social systems form and persevere. The type of Facebook group with which I am primarily concerned has been termed writ large as “Weird Facebook.” That term is stupid and masturbatory though, so I am not going to use it. Instead I am just going to call them Facebook groups, but it bears mentioning that these ideas do not generally hold up for your softball team or local church choir group, though who knows, maybe they do.
There are a few specific aspects of these groups that I want to touch upon: the roles and perception of administrators, rules, and failed groups. These three aspects are typically the flashpoints of controversy, and consequently where much of the political activity in these groups occurs. Theoretically, the roles of an admin could be fairly simple. They often include the originators, who define the vision and purpose of the group, and are often central (at least initially in its growth. Admins also serve as moderators of discussion and content within a group. Already it should be
like the founding documents of most modern liberal states, from the Tennis Court Oath in France to the American Constitution. What this leads to can be seen in groups and nations alike. A specific social group (for example, rich white landowning men, in the early United States) within the community sets the terms, and therefore benefits the most from the system in place. Often in Facebook groups, this leads to a disconnect between admins and regular members of a community. If a member breaks a rule in the group, they may find themselves banned, which can lead to accusations of authoritarian
fairly evident where both the politics and polemics of Facebook groups can arise in relation to admins. Facebook groups begin with ideas, sometimes within a small group of people but just as often with an individual. As described by Politics major and group admin Matthew Kornberg, “the ability to offer opinions and introduce ideas into the group hivemind I think tends to be relegated to a certain selection of people with social capital within the group. Often this ends up being admin and their friends…” As such, the creation of the group occurs within an enclosed social space, much
tendencies on the part of admins. Admin of the group ~Discourse~ and second year Kai Joy reflected on the difficulty of moderating, especially in a group devoted entirely to discussion of potentially controversial subjects: “Mostly I try to strike a balance between moderating and taking care of oppressive behavior but at the same time trying not to stifle productive discussion.” One of the ways discussion does occur is in the creation of rules once the group is already formed. This process allows members a voice in the overall path and form of the group,
though divisions are sometimes insurmountable. In a group called outfit aesthetics, admins proposed to have designated days of the week for specific marginalized groups (e.g. P.O.C Mondays, Trans/Non-Binary Wednesdays, etc.) on which people not identified with that group could not post. Although a few group members reacted negatively and eventually left, the period of discussion allowed members to suggest changes or additions to the rules, which still stand today. Other groups are not so lucky. To many frequenters of groups, post aesthetics is a cautionary tale. In an attempt to maintain their vision for the group, which included being a “safe space,” bans increased dramatically, eventually including members voicing discontent with the bans themselves. The group disintegrated under the pressure of chaos and dissent, as what had started as a page about memes acted out some of the darkest political narratives of our time.
listen to the radio more
WOBC PLUG: do your thing!
I’VE ALWAYS HAD A HUNCH THAT THERE
are people making art, music, all that stuff, in Oberlin. In my three+ years here I’ve caught passing glimpses, heard siren’s songs drifting from every farflung corner of campus, but never really have figured out what’s happening. What can I say--My curiosity is piqued, and I’d like to know one way or the other what these kids are getting up to. Lucky for me my search is over-- there’s someone to do the legwork for me! That’s right, good ol’ Daniel “Thumb-on-the-Pulse” Cramer knows all about the goings-ons on campus, and he want’s you to know about ‘em too! Every week Cramer interviews an artist, musician, writer, you name it about their work, with the hopes of bolstering the Oberlin arts community, get people talking,
foster collaboration, all that good stuff. Though his guests so far have all been college/community members, he might just get him some hot-shot visiting guests down the road, time slot permitting. So do yourself a favor and get learn about all the creative juicy juice flowing around you, and tune in to DO YOUR THING,
SATURDAY (SUNDAY MORNING) @ MIDNIGHT.
P.S. If you’re in the business of making art, kicking out jams, penning mean journal entries, don’t be a stranger! You can reach Dan Cramer at dcramer@oberlin. edu, who knows? It might be your big break!
RETI O L TT IBUTER A M R BY CONT
AT THE SCO
NO, NOT ATHLETICS, DON’T WORRY—IT’S A BAND!
By Kate K itti n Con tribu ghoff to r
The first time I saw SPORTS, I cried. Standing in the front row of Brooklyn’s Market Hotel, surrounded by strangers, I listened to the band play the opening riff of ‘Saturday’ and felt tears spring to my eyes. I also danced, and sang along to every word, and laughed with people whose names I didn’t know as the band’s traipsing energy carried us through their set. SPORTS is a band that formed at Kenyon, made up of five friends who have all now moved away from Gambier. They released their first EP, Sunchokes, on Bandcamp in 2014, and continued to play shows, go on tour, and sell out their first run of cassettes all before they graduated a year later. Pulling together all of the complicated emotions of being an undergraduate college student in rural Ohio, SPORTS worked with famed DIY producer Kyle Gilbride, who has also taken bands such as Swearin’, Waxahatchee, Girlpool, and Quarterbacks under his wing, to put out their second (and perhaps final) full-length album All of Something last October. After that, they disappeared. There was no press tour for their record, they hardly played any shows, and every article about them bemoaned their micdrop from the DIY music scene, leaving us with something so good the absence
felt all the more acute. SPORTS is a band that epimotizes the ephemerality of college life for me. Every time I see this band, read about them, or listen to their incredibly tight and emotionally raw recordings, I wonder if it will be the last time I do. There have been
THESE SONGS ARE ABOUT A VERY SPECIFIC PLACE IN YOUR LIFE, WHEN EVERYTHING SEEMS BOTH ACHINGLY IMPORTANT AND
HORRIFYINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL rumors of them breaking up for over a year, and gathering all of the members who have been far-flung across the country in their post-grad careers makes shows even more rare and special. Their songs are about those small moments of being a 20-something: making failed connections with friends and lovers that only really epitomize your unhealthy relationship with yourself, having your pile of dirty laundry turn into a symbol of your apathy, or wondering if your neuroses will eventually land you on
reality television in a couple of years. These aren’t songs that everyone will identify with; these songs are about a very specific place in your life, when everything seems both achingly important and horrifyingly inconsequential. But, for me, right now, they validate every emotion I feel about being a college student in rural Ohio, experimenting with self-sufficiency and co-dependence as I try to find my way in the world. I’m really excited to be bringing SPORTS here, to the ‘Sco, on November 14th. The show is free, so everyone can take a couple of hours out of their Monday night to watch this incredible band articulate every fear and joy you have about being here. I’ll be there, in the front row, laughing and crying and appreciating every second as I wonder if this is the last time I’ll be able to see this band again. This show is for everyone who has questioned the significance of college, or frozen in fear at the idea of finding a post-grad job, or felt the terrifying thrill of being independent for the first time. Please try to find the time to make it out to this show, I promise you won’t regret it. Seeing SPORTS will give you a newfound appreciation for the simultaneous horror and excitement of being essentially alone in rural Ohio, and give you a new community of people to share that experience with.
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ARTISTS SPOTLIGHT Fratus rson Co a C ntributor By
Carson Fratus and Aliya Ultan came together at the beginning of the year and formed a duo, ULTUS. Both are classically trained musicians with a passion for songwriting. ULTUS has an inherent complexity in their through composed style. A simple groove based feel still remains, and there is no question that any crowd can connect. Their set of 10 songs can sound good in both a concert hall and a house party. ULTUS is a multifaceted duo and definitely worth checking out. They plan to release an album in May, 2017 and an EP by the end of this year. To hear ULTUS google their name and you will find some fantastic video recordings.
“Because of our unique instrumentation, we are able to create something completely new, something that is difficult to define.� -Aliya Ultan.
FEATURING THE DUO, ULTUS
AN ODE TO THE SUBURBS
WE AREN’T ~REALLY~ FROM NEW YORK, LA, OR CHICAGO, AND THAT’S OKAY
By Andy Goelzer, Luke Forney, and Isabel Klein Arts & Culture Editor, Copy Editor, & Bad Habits Editor (What a team!!)
It seems like suburban childhoods are often connected to a degree of lameness and an assumption that the residents sold their souls to white picket fences and hour-long commutes. Coming to Oberlin from the suburbs is often a funny thing: as suburban kids, we find ourselves feeling like we always have to make selfdeprecating jokes about our hometowns, roll our eyes along with the city kids when they lament how the boring college house parties are nothing like that bar they always went to downtown, or justify ourselves by talking about how frequently we went into the city. Needless to say, not everyone had the same childhood experience, even if they did grow up only a few miles, or in some cases, blocks apart. When all of the suburban staff members of The Grape started talking about where we grew up, we realized that we all carried a certain degree of nostalgia for the good and the bad of the suburbs. So here they are: some of Oberlin’s lamest suburban kids defending their roots. t t t
CHICAGO
I’m from Oak Park, which is right outside of Chicago. I feel you rolling your eyes, person who lives in Bucktown or Bridgeport. Don’t disregard me yet, I don’t mean Naperville when I say ‘right outside’ Chicago. I mean my house is literally three blocks outside of city limits. I walk into Chicago proper to get to the bus stop. Oak Park has three different El stops! I do not live in isolation! All right, now that we’ve established that you aren’t superior to me (right??), I can admit that even though I’m close to the city, my life was Suburban with a capital S. I lived in River Forest, one town further from the city, until high school. I spent my summers walking to the tennis club pool with my next door neighbor and going to block parties. Freshman year of high school I went to football games on Friday nights and then we walked to Tasty Dog to get milkshakes and maybe made out with someone in the park before walking home. As I got further into high school and I moved closer to the city, we spent most weekends downtown. We bragged about how all our favorite restaurants were in Logan Square and all our clothes were
from vintage stores in Pilsen, and told our parents we were sleeping at a friends house to go to concerts downtown. Although I wish I could go back and make myself a little less pretentious, I had fun in the inbetween of suburbia and city life. I pity people who missed out on piling into their friend’s car at lunch to try and make it to the Portillos on Roosevelt Road and back in time for sixth period. I know city kids think Ohio is practically a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but when I got here I was blown away by just how much there was to do. Multiple parties each day of the weekend?? In high school if someone was having a house party I talked about it for two weeks before and after, but most nights were spent procuring a dub to smoke in someone’s basement/backyard/a school playground. I remember walking down the ramp into the ‘Sco for my first queer beers and encountering ~5 kids from New York standing outside smoking and complaining about how much better the gay clubs at home were. Gay clubs at home?? I’d been out since I was fifteen and had maybe three queer friends in the span of my high school career. When I came out I had straight boys telling me I was
“doing it for attention” for months even though I was in a queer relationship. The closest I’d come to a gay club was being at a party where a bunch of girls went into
“CITY KIDS THINK OHIO IS PRACTICALLY A POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND, BUT WHEN I GOT HERE I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY JUST HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO DO” the bathroom and made out with each other while their boyfriends stood in the room next door. The idea of being in a space intended for queer people made me want to pee my pants in excitement, but I worried if I showed how pumped I was all the city kids would think I was lame.
CLEANING UP TRUMP’S SOCIETAL WRECKAGE THIS REALLY IS MORE THAN POLITICS By Kameron Dunbar Contributor
Donald Trump’s candidacy won’t last forever; hopefully it will suffer an abrupt ending on November 8th. Regardless, it’s clear that his rhetoric surrounding women and sexual assault, and his general lack of respect for those he disagrees with, can have long lasting effects. This sort of disrespect is, in one way, another branch of the “Trumped up trickle down” that Trump has been known to endorse. It started at the top of his campaign and has made way to the mouths and minds of voters. Trump’s dangerous rhetoric has shamelessly entered the American lexicon. I witnessed it first hand. A few weeks ago, I sat in my doctor’s office and had the misfortune of overhearing a sharp conversation between a husband and a wife. The conversation was lewd, consisting of some common critiques of Hillary Clinton being “a liar, crook, etc.” Outside of those, though, a few comments struck me as unique.
The wife argued that “Hillary is a crook and Trump is a rich boy.” This seeming flaw of Trump was quickly remedied by the husband’s response: “Without rich boys we wouldn’t have things like Walmart or Ford.” Ok. “I’d lock her up and throw away the key. Trump should have grabbed her by the pussy, too.” I walked out, and after exiting the facility I saw a bumper sticker that read “TRUMP THAT BITCH.” Not surprised. The comments were unique-uniquely dangerous. Rhetoric that once challenged ideas and political positionality is now pointed at legitimizing acts of assault and, in certain instances, legitimizing rape culture. Trump has acted a catalyst to a much needed conversation in America regarding sexual consent and sexual assault. No, rape culture didn’t start nor will it end with Trump. Society, and men in particular, must repudiate actions that condone and endorse a culture of rape. “Locker room talk” can no longer serve as an excuse to engage in harmful conduct. This is more than politics. Jennifer Sullivan of The Huffington Post put it nicely while writing about unfriending people on Facebook: “To reduce it to a matter of politics is to misunderstand (or show a remarkable amount of apathy toward) the very crux of the issue.”
SHAMELESSLY
Now we have the opportunity to shape our own history, to craft the narrative that later generations will understand, and to show them that we rebuked this type of behavior. We must affirm the value of a woman’s right to consent her own body. We must work together to tackle the complex issues left in the aftermath of Trump. If we don’t, we risk losing the progress of some of the greatest movements known to man, that have bent the arc of humanity towards morality.
AN INSIDE JOB: POOPING
PINCH A LOAF AMONGST LOTS OF FAKE MARBLE... LIKE KRISLOV HIMSELF.
By Henry Weissberg Campus Poo Expert
You floatabout your day, stopping into Mudd for an evening read. The second floor seems nice but you want to chat if a friend is around, so you head to the back tables. Maybe you buy a coffee or tea, and fancy yourself ready for an evening poop. It’s only natural. Stepping out of that first floor bathroom with a satisfied emptiness in your stomach, you are startled to see the Literal Cutest Person Ever from your Dungeons and Dragons Exco in front of the line. They approach the bathroom door as it closes behind you. And you know it: they are about to smell your poopy poop smells. Most Obies like to think they have a special bathroom. Many enjoy the Slow Train bathrooms. I personally adore the Severance single use. But what else is there? How many incredible bathrooms on this campus remain but fleeting glimmers of tranquil poops? I set out to find new and uncharted bathrooms at Oberlin. I quickly realized that the obscurity of bathrooms is relative to any given student’s interests and discipline. Severance is a treat for me because I took Intro to Peace and Conflict Studies my first semester and haven’t taken a class there since. Finney’s bathrooms aren’t so exciting if you go to a performance there every other week. Students who don’t take language classes might
fall in love with the single-use on the third floor of Peters, but French majors might think of it as just the bathroom across from the language lab. Same goes for the Wright building. The list goes on. My options were narrowed and my morale was low. What really made a bathroom special? Suddenly though, it hit me like a chunky one hits a clean toilet bowl. The answer was so clear: I had to infiltrate Cox Administration Building. When class was let out on Tuesday afternoon at 12:15, most made the cross from King to Dascomb for lunch, but my accomplice and I had other plans. We strolled to Cox with our heads down—not saying nothing to nobody—not looking nowhere at nobody. Shocked to find that the back door was left open, we made our way into the central corridor. The ceilings were tall and an open staircase stretched toward higher floors. We quickly realized we were not alone. All around us we heard the sounds of keyboards clicking away They were here. The Cox people were watching. Suddenly, One Of Them passed us and scurried into a dark office room, but not without us catching sight of that unknown figure. Picture this: a button down tucked into grandpa slacks, manilla folders crammed into sweaty white
hands. My accomplice and I stashed into the small, old elevator as the keyboards droned on. On the second floor, where the bathrooms were, we realized that we were surrounded. Dozens of them sat gathered in the central hall, gorging on plastic spreads of cookies, deli meats, cheese cubes, and sipping from coffee machines and listening to one--their leader perhaps--speaking, but I couldn’t make out the words due to the vigor of their chewing. They outnumbered us so greatly that I was fearful enough to consider turning back. Yet, they were so distracted by the fantastic plastic spread in their great hall that they didn’t even notice us making for bathrooms. Who can I thank? Fateful chance was on our side. The first thing I noticed was that, like many non-living buildings on campus, both bathrooms were gendered and there was no gender-neutral nor single-use option. I went into the men’s room as my accomplice went into the women’s room. To my utter shock, one of them, a rather stubby fellow, was in the bathroom adjusting his tie when I entered, but turned past me and left through the door moments after. Oh, but how pristine it was! With (fake) marble stalls and a beautifully lit chandelier, I drifted on in a dream state as I sat perched
“IT HIT ME LIKE A CHUNKY ONE HITS A CLEAN TOILET BOWL. THE ANSWER WAS SO CLEAR: I HAD TO INFILTRATE COX ADMINISTRATION BUILDING.” on that toilet bowl. Scented pine-cones sat in the left hand corner of the master sink and three samples of bar soaps rested on the right. There was a full-sized mirror with genuine oak framing. Who wouldn’t want to eat cheese, meat, and cookie spreads all day, I thought to myself, with such a fine bathroom as this to poop in. As soundlessly as we entered and completed our task, we were out the back door of Cox. We walked in separate directions. Unknown and unseen, we are among you. Why not give a poop adventure a try? Tell us about your special bathroom or your trip to an uncharted bathroom and DM me at poopythewurst on Instagram. NOTE: You should poop in the AJLC if you can.
OUR AESTHETICS: BEFORE & AFTER OBERLIN Let’s be real, for Oberlin students, aesthetics are almost as important as their studies (or maybe even more? Like ask me how many times I’ve been late for class because I’ve been trying on different sock arrangements...) And, for most, their looks change drastically throughout their years here. If for some reason you’re not 100 percent clear about the Oberlin Vibe by now, check out these pictures from before and after these lucky students started working on their Learning and Labor, and finally figure it out for yourself.
JOSH KOLLER
ISAK SAAF
NICO LARA
MOIRA PETERSON
JUAN MANUEL-PINZON
SARA CALDERON
ELECTION 2016 BREAKING NEWS:
THERE ARE ACTUALLY MORE THAN JUST TWO IDIOTS RUNNING By Sydney Livingston Contributor
While this upcoming presidential election is historic for a plethora of reasons, it also raises significant questions about the effectiveness of our fracturing two-party system. Most major media outlets give ample attention to the Democratic and Republican nominees, while neglecting to even mention third party or independent candidates. In the spirit of fairness, The Grape interviewed a variety of people who claimed to dislike both mainstream nominees. We asked about whom they support instead, and why their candidates might do a better job than either Hillary or Trump. My mom is pretty cool. She’d do a good job running the country. If she can pick me up from soccer practice when I was six, she can run America probably. Plus she’s not in favor of closing up the borders to our country. She’s in favor of closing the Borders bookstore, but that’s because one of the cashiers was super rude to her once. –Nevaeh B. I don’t know, I think America just needs to be single for a while and find itself. Let’s just not elect a president for this term. The whole process is becoming really stressful so maybe we should just take some “me” time to reevaluate our priorities as a country. –Jasmine T. I found this weirdly shaped potato in my kitchen that seems pretty neat. Honestly it could probably do a good job as the head of the executive branch. I’ve always been a staunch Republican but don’t support Trump, so the fact that I found a candidate to support is incredible. As far as I know, this potato isn’t racist, Islamophobic, or sexist… I think. #weirdpotato2016!! –Morgan G. Vermin Supreme will really make America great again. He’s running on a platform of time travel research and zombie apocalypse preparedness, and has promised to personally give every U.S. citizen a pony. He actually came in fourth in the New Hampshire democratic primary. Supreme is running as an independent now and he’s easily the best candidate this election cycle. –L. Xu Honestly there’s no single person who can fix the problems in our country, and I don’t really like either candidate, so I’m voting for Cthulhu. I mean, why vote for a lesser evil? He’s our hope for ending this nightmarish election cycle that we endure every four years. My backup plan is just to move to Australia but watching Cthulhu destroy America from afar would be funny. –Sydney L. I’m voting for Gary Johnson. Sure, he can’t name a single foreign leader and doesn’t seem to understand what Aleppo is, but he’s just focused on what’s happening in America, ya know? Besides, he supports the Citizens United ruling, so that’s good, right? I don’t actually know much about politics so someone please tell me, am I right? –Kevin K.
O-BOO-ERLIN:
GET YOURSELF A GHOST HOOK UP IN 10 SPOOKY STEPS By Olivia Goffman and Galey Caverly Contributors
In our past articles, we’ve been a little bit goofy, but we want our readers to know that if there is one night that we take seriously as ghost-journalists, it is November 4th. Or as those of us in the biz call it: the Friday after Halloween. Ch-ch-ch-check it. Picture this: Friday night. Galey and Olivia. All of the most haunted Oberlin locations. As per your request. That we will demand of you on various Oberlin Facebook groups. In preparation for this, we wanted to extend some of our insider knowledge. Here are our 10 steps of meeting a ghost at a party. 1) Be polite. Being dead is hard. 2) Introduce yourself. 3) Don’t second-guess your outfit. You look hot! 4) After making a little small talk, read the signs. Does the ghost still seem interested in talking to you? 5) If no, leave. 6) If yes, try to find some common interests. Maybe you both like politics or going through walls. 7) Try to subtly figure out if the ghost is single. 8) Think about maybe asking the ghost if it wants to leave the party with you, but then get too nervous and walk away to talk to your friends. 9) Your friends will be like, “why were you just talking to no one for 15 minutes, are you okay?” 10) Know that they’ll never understand. Halloween is scary. So is college. Please send us any haunted places you want to see us investigate. Our emails are gcaverly@ oberlin.edu or ogoffman@oberlin.edu. Our OCMRs are 0813 and 0284. Love you!
SEVEN MINUTES IN STEVIE II: APPLE COBBLER CRUMBLE By Gillian Pasley
FALL IS HERE. LET’S STEAL A HANDFUL OF CDS CINNAMON AND REVEL
Contributor
Round two! Just in time for that fall weather, here’s another recipe composed of (mostly) ingredients stolen from Stevie. It’s an apple cobbler crumble! A perfect dessert for those chilly Ohio nights. Ingredients: To steal from Stevie: t BQQMFT t DVQ PG TVHBS UIJT DBO CF BDDPNQMJTIFE CZ TUFBMJOH TVHBS QBDLFUT UIF pure sugar kind, not Sugar in the Raw) or by going to Sci Cart and filling a cup with sugar from the sugar pourer) t › DVQ CVUUFS GSPN UIF TUBUJPO OFBS UIF CBHFMT VOMFTT ZPV SF CSJOHJOH B measuring cup to Stevie, I would recommend using a to-go coffee cup- if the cup JT PVODFT › B DVQ JT PVODFT TP ZPV E ëMM JU BCPVU IBMGXBZ UPQ JU XJUI B MJE and you’ve got your butter!) t › UFBTQPPO DJOOBNPO GSPN UIF TQJDFT OFBS UIF LFUDIVQ MFHFOE IBT JU UIBU XIFO ZPV EPO U IBWF B NFBTVSJOH TQPPO ZPV DBO VTF ZPVS IBOE › B UFBTQPPO will be a mound about the size of a quarter in your cupped hand, which you can figure out at the table if it’s too weird to do it right there) (I would recommend transporting the cinnamon in a small tupperware or in a thoroughly washed pill jar) t 7BOJMMB TPGU TFSWF * XPVME SFDPNNFOE EFQPTJUJOH UIF JDF DSFBN EJSFDUMZ from the soft serve machine into a tupperware. Freeze ASAP!!) To buy: t 1 cup flour
Instructions: 1. Preheat that janky dorm kitchen oven to 350 degrees. 2. Grease a baking dish -- 9x9 is suggested but anything you can find would probably work. 3. Slice the apples. (“How about dem apples?) 4. Mix: flour, sugar, butter, and cinnamon in a bowl until it gets all crumbly. 5. Put a thin layer of the mixture on the bottom of the baking dish. 6. Top that with a layer of apples. 7. Keep alternating layers like you’re making lasagna. Except the noodles are apples. Isn’t this fun?? 8. Save a good amount of the crumbly mixture to layer on the top. 9. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until the apples are tender and the crumbly mixture is browned. 10. Serve with the soft serve vanilla ice cream from your freezer! 11. Put on 15 sweaters and jump in a leaf pile!! This is a required step. Cost for this meal: t 4UFWJF NFBM TXJQF t GPS ìPVS GSPN (JCTPO T UCI * KVTU GPVOE B CBH PG ìPVS JO NZ EPSN kitchen, so that might be a possibility for you too!) GRAND TOTAL: $5.19 (if you’re not about the sugar packet life, sugar from Gibsons is $2.99 and is probably cheaper elsewhere) Now did you just prank Stevie or did you just prank Stevie? Gimme five! It’s not easy being this sly!!
BLIND DATE #4: LOVE AT THE LOCAL?
HE DIDN’T SHOW UP WITH A ROSE BETWEEN HIS TEETH...BUT CAN THESE TWO DISPLACED SOUTHWESTERNERS FIND LOVE ANYWAY? By Mikaela Fishman Layout Editor
Every issue this year The Grape is sending a pair of people who have never met before out on a blind date. This issue we sent Nicole Bennett and Mohit Dubey to the Local and then we interviewed them separately about their experience. Read on to find out if they loved each other or hated each other, and if there’s going to be a second date. Interview 1: Nicole Bennett Nicole is a sophomore and a very strong conversationalist who sometimes goes by the nickname “Nicolo”. Grape: Why did you want to go on a blind date? Nicole: As I told Mohit at the beginning of the date, “I’m just here to make friends.” I think that was my main motivation. Or potentially find love, you never know. It would just give me a chance to sit down and have a conversation with someone who I’d seen before and thought was really cool but never had a chance to talk to. G: Did you recognize him at all? N: No, I had never seen him before. G: What did you do? N: I was sitting on these chairs outside of the Local and he just strides up and sits down in the chair next to me. We were sorta like, “Hey, I guess we’re both here for the same reason.” So we just went into the Local, and he was telling me about this grant that he was doing for winter term which actually sounded really cool. I got my bagel, got an iced chai,
then we sat down at a table near the front and chatted for like 40 minutes. We ran into some people that we were both friends with, which was pretty cool. Then we walked out because I think he had to go to lunch, and then we were like, all right, see you around, and walked away. G: Did you exchange any contact information? N: Nope. G: Was it fun? What did you think of him? N: Yeah I would say it was fun. At first I was struggling, like why did The Grape put us together and what do we have in common? But I definitely do think we had stuff in common, like we’re both only children who live in Washington D.C. Well, my family actually moved, and he has a similar story, so we talked about that. I think I liked him, but I maybe didn’t have enough time to figure out if there was chemistry there, but that’s always a tricky thing with me and people, so I don’t know. I’d say I’m pretty happy with how things went over all. I think I wanted to make a new friend and that’s what happened. G: Was it awkward at all? N: No, I didn’t think so, I think the conversation flowed pretty well. I definitely pride myself on being a strong conversationalist but even so he had lots of things to talk about, too. G: Would you go on a blind date again? N: Yeah, absolutely. I’d love to go on blind dates with everyone on campus. That’d be delightful. Interview 2: Mohit Dubey Mohit is a junior who still doesn’t know which one is Slow Train and which one is the Local
NICOLE (RIGHT) ENJOYS A BAGEL WHILE MOHIT (LEFT) SMILES IN ADMIRATION
Grape: Why did you want to go on a blind date? Mohit: I thought it would be an interesting experience, especially at Oberlin. I thought that the chances of me running into someone I knew would be pretty high, and if not, meeting someone new would be fun. G: Wait, so you wanted to run into someone you knew? M: I just thought it would be an interesting experiment. G: Did you know her? M: I did not, but we had many mutual friends. G: Did y’all have any common interests? M: We had many common interests. We were both from
the Southwest, and we both played music, and we both wrote poetry... Mikaela drops her phone, which she’s using to record this M: [Continues speaking] G: Wait wait wait! M: ...and we both liked bagels. G: I like bagels, too! M: She had a delicious bagel. I did not because I was going to get lunch afterwards. G: Bagels are so good. Anyway, what’d you do? M: It was probably the most normal date you can imagine: we went to Slow Train, sat down, and just talked for a while. It was very chill. G: Were there any romantic sparks, any plans for future dates? M: From the get-go she told me that she was just looking for new friends and I said I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, I just thought that the idea of a blind date would be cool. I would say that sparks didn’t fly, but maybe there’s a friendship there that grows and blossoms. Things take time, like you plant a seed. I’m glad to know she’s out there. I don’t know if she’s my one true love and I didn’t do anything crazy like get a rose and bite it and rip it off. G: Was it awkward at all? M: I wouldn’t say it was awkward, but we just kept running into people who we both knew and it was an interesting experience to be like, “Hey we’re on a blind date.” But yeah, there were always things to talk about. G: Wait, Slow Train has bagels? M: Oh no, we were at the Local. G: Would you go again? M: Yes, but probably not at Oberlin. G: Why not? M: I just don’t have time to date anyone at all at Oberlin. But because you had already set it up I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be worth it to meet a new person, and only time will tell. Maybe in four years if we’re married I’ll look back on this article. G: Anything you want to add? M: I think I would recommend that people try it. I think people can be scared of trying it, but just see what happens.
COMMITTEE SELECTS GUY WHO’S REALLY GOOD AT THE FUSHIGITM MAGIC GRAVITY BALL TO REPLACE KRISLOV By Isabel Klein Bad Habits Editor
The presidential search committee has been hard at work selecting a proper replacement for President Marvin Krislov after his 10-year term, and is finally pleased with their decision: Kevin Mooch, a 36-year-old who has mastered the art of the FUSHIGITM Magic Gravity ball. The art form became widely popular in 2010, when an infomercial featuring numerous masters sliding or spinning the glass ball inspired kids across the nation to beg their parents for their own anti-gravity spheres. The ball itself is best described in a passage on the back of its packaging. The message uses odd rhythmic, grammatical, and spelling choices, thus reflecting a
unique tradition behind Mooch’s passion (all of these choices have been kept intact): “FUSHIGITM is mesmerizing, it is magical, it is simply amazing and even stress releiving. It goes on: From the minute you pick it up for the first time you will be engaged and determined to unlock the mystery through motion manipulation and truly make FUSHIGITM defy gravity and appear to actually float in mid air.” This promise of boundless opportunity and imagination is the exact spirit that president of the presidential search committee Lynn Wallace was looking to capture in the new leader of the college. “Marvin left some big shoes to fill, but if anyone is up
for a challenge, particularly one that defies gravity, Kevin--err excuse me--Mr. Mooch, is the one,” Wallace explained. “He’s bright, committed, a good listener, and can do a Two Ball Palm Roll in less than five seconds flat,” committee member Anna May Cooke echoed. Jimmy Milton, a member of the custodial staff who often enters the decision room to take out the trash can while the committee is watching videos of Mooch doing tricks, is utterly flabbergasted by Mooch’s skill and determination. “How does he do it? Those little balls look like they’re floating? What would happen if you threw one of those suckers at the wall–do
they break?” Milton asks me now and, he claims, himself every night for hours before he falls asleep. Mooch himself, however, is a humble man who is looking forward to using his FUSHIGITM talent to bring Oberlin what it needs. “Marvin was a great man, but I can bring something to the table that few others can. Think: dexterity, wonder, focus, and pure magic,” Kevin claims as he whips the ball around in a move he calls “The Isolation Levitation.” “This school needs some serious help, and the FUSHIGITM Magic Gravity Ball is the only thing that can save us. And it’s only 3 payments of $19.99!”
COMIC BY MIKAELA FISHMAN
PEN15 CLUB:
MARVY JAPAN LE PEN
JUST SOME QS TO HAUNT YOU ALL DAY >:)
By Juan Manuel-Pinzon Contributor
I’ve had some pen requests recently! It’s very exciting to hear from you and know that I am not simply writing about pens into a disinterested void. So thanks to James and Maya for suggesting and lending me a Le Pen to review. Le Pen was one of the first pens I ever lusted after. Throughout my middle school career, I noticed that all my peers with the best handwriting were using these pens, and thus I had to have one. I scrounged and foraged around the halls, looking under desks and rifling through forgotten pencil cases in hopes that I might find an abandoned Le Pen of my own, but its fine lines eluded me. After days of intense searching, I sat defeated in the 8th grade hallway during lunch, lamenting my inability to find the pen of my dreams. The bell rang and I knew I had to make my sorry way to class. On came the usual rush of middle schoolers scrambling to grab their things from their lockers and rush off to class. Lost in the bustle, I heard a too familiar sound— Nora had dropped all of her things and her pencil case had been dumped across the hallway. It rolled over to my feet, capless. My eyes lit up as I reached down to grab the runaway and house it safely and discretely up my sleeve. This was my chance. If she didn’t notice it was gone, then the pen was mine—at least for the next class period. I couldn’t wait! Note taking was going to be revolutionary. Sadly, I was left wanting. The pen was not all that I had wanted. I had built it up, mistaking its looks and popularity for perfection. I raised it up onto a pedestal, overlaying my own preferences and ideals onto its simplicity. There was no way it could
hold up to that ideal. Of course, I know now that Le Pen is simply not my type. That’s not to say it is a bad pen, by any means. After trying it again recently, I noticed some merits that I didn’t pick up on in my middle school days. Le Pen has a plastic tip, which distributes ink evenly and smoothly— more so than a felt tip pen. It does have very consistent ink flow, as you would expect, but it also comes with some light feathering and bleed-through. I found the body of the pen to be too skinny to work with comfortably for extended periods of time. As you well know, no matter how sleek ultra thin pens may look, a wide barrel is more ergonomic and comfortable for longer periods of writing. Le Pen’s tip is fine point, just about .4, but because of the nature of marker pens, it failed my ‘e’ test: if you want to know if a tip is the right size, then write a lowercase ‘e’ with it a few times…if the little loop at the top (or, as it is formally know in typeface anatomy, the counter) is filled in then the tip is too large. This is not a problem the pen has. We simply do not match up in this regard. With 18 vibrant color options it is great for color coding or making notes on your notes. I would probably hit it up periodically if I wanted to spice up my notes with a bit of flare. Overall it is a good pen with good ink, but it is simply not one I want to use as my principal daily writing pen. PS. If you have a pen, pencil or paper that you LOVE please let me know! I’d love to try it out. HMU at jpinzon@ oberlin.edu
What do u do about an album that u listened to a lot during a very specific time in ur life and u want to keep listening to it bc it’s good but u also don’t want to reassign new memories and lose the old?
Pregnant or just IBS? The swine flu or u sneezed once? Raging lice or just dandruff?
If u dip a chickpea in hummus is it like feeding a hamburger to a cow?
8 THINGS TO DO WITH AN ENGLISH DEGREE By PADDY McCABE Copy Editor
When people hear that I’m majoring in English, they often tell me that I’m dumb. “Why would you do that?” they ask. “Studying English doesn’t prepare you for anything. You’re stupid, and a waste.” They say these things, and I would like to believe that they aren’t true. (No one wants to be a stupid waste, right?) I know other English majors have heard these same things, and they, like me, sometimes feel disheartened by the prospect of their whole life’s trajectory being laughably miscalculated. That would stink. But is an English degree useful for anything? Yes! Indeed, after hours of thinking and research, I have deduced that pursuing an English major sufficiently prepares people for precisely eight things. Hooray! Here they are:
1. Making lists. 2. Thoroughly analyzing things that might seem insignificant. This will come in handy with romantic relationships. 3. Surviving winters by building forts with hardcovers and using paperbacks as kindling. 4. Using words to defuse conflict, if you are a weakling. 5. Serving coffee, so long as you at least minor in something else. 6. Saying things like, “I read that in college.” 7. Correcting people’s spelling. People will appreciate this, especially if they never asked for your help. 8. Being self-deprecating.
COMIC BY CARO FERNANDEZ