NOVEMBER 3 2017

EST. 1999

OBERLIN’S STUDENT CULTURE MAGAZINE READ ONLINE AT THEOBERLINGRAPE.COM

Editors-in-Chief

November 3, 2017

Bad Habits Writing Team

Jake Berstein Luke Fortney Content Editors

Production Editors

Dana Brandes-Simon Ian Feather Isabel Klein Casey Redcay

Hannah Berk Ben Guterl Gabe Schneier Leora Swerdlow

Staff Writer Kameron Dunbar Web Editor Ezra Goss

Photo Editor Emma Webster Business Manager Eddy Tumbokon

Julia Halm Zoe Jasper Isabelle Kenet Leon Pescador Copy Editors Juan-Manuel Pinzon Jack Rockwell Molly Bryson Jackson Zinn-Rowthorn Julie Schreiber Liam Russo Olive Sherman Sam Schuman Benjamin Silverman

The Grape Through Time Another Self-Masturbatory Letter from the Editors Last Saturday, the Grape staff spent the rainy afternoon cleaning up our office making room for our new roommates — the Wilder Voice.

Inspired by the Voice’s organized shelves for archives, we decided it was time to deal with the elephant in the room: the hazardous piles (and I mean piles, not stacks) of old, completely unorganized copies of past issues of the Grape filling an entire wall of bookshelves.

We sorted through 18 years of Grape history, recycling all but two copies of each issue flipping through ones that particularly caught our eyes. Let me tell you, we’ve come a long way. An example: on the cover of our very first issue from 1999, which focussed on the issue of affirmative action, is a blatantly

offensive sketch in the center. The artist chose to represent Oberlin’s diversity with a sketch of a face with half typically ‘White’ features and half stereotypically ‘Black’ features.

Obviously a terrible choice. If this wasn’t bad enough, another issue from the 2008 Disorientation week was simply called ‘Let’s Get Retarded.’

But, beyond the outdated and plainly offensive departures is something pretty special — a project that students have been working on for almost 20 years.

These old Grapes are cultural artifacts representing hundreds of experiments for our little newspaper by probably hundreds of students working on this thing.

There were failures, but there

were also successes that got lost in the stacks. Successes that were forgotten and discontinued like the simple reminder to “Please recycle the issues when they’ve been read” (Which we have now added).

All of this rainy rumination in the dusty Grape office got me thinking about the role that history plays in our lives here at Oberlin. If I can make a gross generalization, I feel like historical context is given little to no thought in many of the projects and organizations we pour our time into.

Looking at old issues of the Grape and thinking about the changes I want to see , I realized that people have been at this for a while now. We’re not alone. Students have been experimenting with

the Grape, boycotting Gibson’s, demanding more from disability services, and fighting for a student rep on the board of trustees for decades.

Sometimes I take for granted that everything we have here as students has been fought for by the students before us. As we continue our activism in whatever way that plays out, we should also take a moment to take a look back.

CORRECTIONS FROM OCT. 13, 2017 ISSUE The Grape misattributed the art in Anna Polacek’s Letter of Recommendation column to Anna Polacek. The art was done

by Caroline Spittel.

FRONT COVER BY NATTY BAKER-SALISBURY. BACK COVER BY MENGTIAN BAI. SECTION HEADERS BY JOSH BLANKFIELD.

XO, JAKE

Craft on Draft How student drink orders and tips at the Feve may point to shifts in wealth and privilege at Oberlin College

BY LUKE FORTNEY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF When I entered the Feve and walked upstairs on Tuesday afternoon, the second floor was empty. In lieu of half-finished well drinks and hovering college students, fifty or so food menus sat out to dry on the bar’s countertop. They had just been soaked in disinfectant to be used later that evening. Although there was no one present in the bar, signs of life were abound: boxes of beer with shipping labels yet to be unpacked, condiments stacked neatly on tabletops, and limes set aside to be cut for the rims of glasses.

Such rituals begin at 3:30 p.m. each weekday afternoon when Brad Mitchell and Josh Wilson arrive to work. At present, Brad and Josh are smoking a cigarette on the back stairwell leading up to the Feve’s second floor, one of several smoke breaks that they’ll take between now and 2:00 a.m., when the bar closes.

I had approached Brad the night before, after hearing about renovations made to the Feve in 2012 that expanded it from a dimly lit dive bar to the two-story restaurant Oberlin residents and students know today. However, when I asked Brad if

he would be interested in speaking on the Feve’s development as a bar over the years, his answer surprised me.

“Oberlin College students are getting richer and richer,” he said.

“Students aren’t chugging Black Label [beer] or throwing back shots anymore. They’re coming in for flights and craft beers.”

After Brad told me this, I scheduled an interview for the following day and went home to research the demographics of college students admitted to Oberlin College and its peer institutions. With 70% of our students coming from the top twenty percent income bracket, 37% from the top ten percent, and 9.3% from the top one percent, there are few who will deny the financial privilege of many Oberlin College students. Far less discussed, however, is whether Oberlin College is admitting a higher concentration of wealthy students and whether our wealthiest students are actually becoming wealthier over time.

As it turns out, what Brad noticed in the drink orders of Oberlin College students has statistical backing.

According to a 2016 report issued by The New York Times on economic

diversity and student outcomes, over the past twenty years, Oberlin College’s concentration of students from the top ten percent has increased from 40% to just under 60%. Meanwhile, the percentage of students from the bottom sixty percent has decreased from just over 20% to approximately 15%.

income of incoming freshman outpaced the national income by more than two-to-one.

This suggests that Oberlin College is admitting slightly more wealthy students who are becoming slightly wealthier over time. But is this trend significant enough to account for a dramatic shift in student drink

“STUDENTS AREN’T CHUGGING BLACK LABEL [BEER] OR THROWING BACK SHOTS ANYMORE. THEY’RE COMING IN FOR FLIGHTS AND CRAFT BEERS.” Additionally, in April of 2007 the Higher Education Research Institute released a forty-year analysis of incoming freshman classes, which found that “in the last 35 years, college student parental income rose from $65,700 to $76,400 (inflationadjusted), representing a 16 percent increase, while national income rose from $44,900 to $47,800 (inflationadjusted), representing a 6.5 percent increase.” That is, the parental

orders and behaviors over the past decade at the Feve? As I learned, this shift has less to do with a shift in parental income, and more to do with the Feve’s emergence as a two-story restaurant after a construction project in 2012.

When Brad and Josh enter through the back door of the Feve’s second story, they continue their conversation without seeming to

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

3

PHOTO BY LUKE FORTNEY DRINK SPECIALS AND BEERS ADVERTISED IN CHALK IN THE FEVE.

notice me sitting at the bar with a “Feve Brunch” coffee cup and reporter’s pad in hand. They talk with a familiarity that I would later learn comes from Brad and Josh’s having met when they were 17 and 12-years-old, respectively.

As Brad puts it, he roomed with Josh’s older brother while the two of them attended culinary school. “We were good buddies. I actually bought him his first beer,” he tells me. While Brad went on to manage several restaurants in the greater Cleveland area, including a catering company of his own and Oberlin’s own Agave, Josh’s brother decided to stay local and work in the kitchens of Oberlin’s Black River Cafe and the Feve. Josh began bartending at the Feve with his brother in 2006, and Brad came on board as the Feve’s ‘new guy’ two-anda-half years ago in 2014.

For now, I sip coffee, take notes, and watch as the pair prepares for a Tuesday night happy hour special, the Feve’s “third-busiest evening” of the week. They walk from one corner of the bar to the other, attending to tasks without any identifiable form of delineating responsibility. Eventually, Brad stops at the bar and tells me that I’ll have to interview Josh and him

4

THE GRAPE

while they finish setting up for the opening of the Feve’s upstairs at 5 p.m.

“It’s not a big deal, I can prep this place in my sleep,” Josh says.

“Actually, I’ve got it down so much that sometimes I wake up to nightmares of mixing long islands.”

I start by asking Brad and Josh about their perceptions of the current generation of Oberlin College students, and I’m pleased to learn that the backpack I walked in with doesn’t hold them back.

the way that they behave at the Feve.

“You’ll get people who seem bothered by the fact that we offer table service.

We’re trying to clean the table off, to get things out of your way, and people don’t even want to move a little bit.”

“They’ll stand at the bar trying to get our attention when it’s busy, or tap their credit card on the counter,” Josh adds.

When I ask Brad if he thinks that students’ behavior had more to do with their maturity as teens and

“A LONG ISLAND ICED TEA AT THE FEVE HAS TWO-AND-A-HALF SHOTS, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF.” “You hear all sorts of things back here [behind the bar] and people never think we’re listening,” Brad says.

“Students talk about studying in Paris, they talk about spending a summer in Japan. From my perspective, to be afforded those opportunities is amazing. But for them, it seems so normal. It’s an entitlement thing.”

Brad goes on to tell me that the entitlement he perceives in contemporary Oberlin College students can be observed in

twenty-somethings than with a feeling of financial entitlement specific to Oberlin College students, he tells me about his beginnings in the service industry.

“I got my first job while on vacation in Florida. I went to Florida for a month before my freshman year [in high school]. My cousin worked at a restaurant and he got me a job. I had to falsify the documents because I wasn’t sixteen. I had to work while I was on vacation so that I had money to

spend. I could only afford the plane tickets so if I didn’t work when I was there, I couldn’t do anything.”

For Brad, it’s less about family values that come with financial wealth and more about the fact that, in his mind, most wealthy students have not held a service position.

“I wouldn’t say I learned how to behave at a restaurant because of my upbringing or my family’s wealth.

I figured it out real fast because I actually worked in one,” he says.

Josh cites general lack of awareness on the part of Oberlin College students, which has to do not only with a lack of work experience in the service industry, but also that they have less exposure to bars than their college peers in larger cities.

“Kids don’t really know the effect that they’re having with their behavior. They just haven’t learned how to behave in a bar yet so they’ll think it’s okay to tip a quarter on a well drink,” he says.

Josh’s mentioning of tips inspires Brad to come over to the both of us, so that the pair is leaned over either side of me at the bar counter. “It’s pretty common for someone to get a bill with a drink for $3.64 and they’ll round up to four.”

I ask if the conventional student wisdom of tipping “a dollar a drink” is enough and both Brad and Josh agree that it is, in certain cases.

“We’re obviously better tippers because we know what it’s like to work in a bar, but a dollar tip on a beer is generally all right. For mixed drinks though, I’ll tip a dollar a shot.”

Wednesday evening is one of the Feve’s busiest nights of the week, by nature of a drink special advertising Long Island Iced Teas at four dollars each. Although the contents of the Feve Long Island are standard—vodka, rum, gin, tequila, and Coke—their quantities are less certain. In the year since I’ve been 21, I’ve heard estimates ranging from “there’s no alcohol in this” to “four shots” to “drink two and you’ll blackout.” I indulge myself and ask how much alcohol Josh puts in one of the Feve’s long islands.

“I’d tip two to three dollars,” he says. I’ll leave the math and the mystery to you.

Brad’s frustrations seem to arise from his perception that although

Oberlin College students have more money and are ordering more expensive beverages, they tip the same amount. He criticizes what he perceives as the desire of Oberlin College students to “always seem like they’re helping somebody,” which begs an important question: if Oberlin College students want to help other people, why don’t they use their wealth by tipping better to support servicelevel employees?

If Brad’s discontent is due to the evident disparity between theory and practice, then Josh’s owes much to architectural and conceptual shifts in the Feve that occurred five years ago, reconfiguring the Feve’s former status as a “dive bar” to a “twostory restaurant bar.”

In early 2012, the Feve’s second story consisted of a thirteen-foot bar, seven beers on tap, and a single bartender. “The bar’s countertop followed this line on the floor, all the way to the back,” Josh says. He’s kneeled down, tracing where the bar used to be with on the floor with a finger, and I have to admit, he’s right. The Feve that he’s describing was less than half of the size that it is now and it actually sounds kind of nice. There was no back room, no back stairway, and Josh says that much of the space currently available for dining patrons was only accessible to employees. It all sounded much more… Oberlin.

“It was a dive,” Josh agrees. “I used to come in and work in my underwear.”

Due to the bar’s smaller size, the Feve only hired one bartender per evening. This, Josh tells me, meant two things. First, he didn’t have to split his tips with another employee. Josh reported that before the construction project in 2012, it was not uncommon for a bartender to make the equivalent of a month’s rent in tips during a single four-hour shift. “Monday night was our busiest night of the week. I think we had a dollar-off-drafts happy hour

special. I used to make $400 in tips during the first four hours of my shift, and then the next two hours were just profit.”

After the Feve’s expansion in 2012,

just collecting people’s empty glasses on the countertops! I had a stack this high,” he says, extending his arm as far as he can above his head.

“There were 300 people

management now requires that two bartenders work the upstairs bar’s roughly forty-foot countertop at a time. Even on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday nights, the Feve’s busiest nights of the week, Josh says that he makes “nowhere near” rent anymore.

When asked about a typical Wednesday evening’s pay in tips, Josh says, “I don’t want to answer that, but let’s put it this way: we’re not hiding an exorbitant sum of money from you.”

“The pay is decent, but it’s not

crowded around this bar. I had to grab people by the head and physically move them aside in order to get anywhere,” he says. I’m surprised by the ear-to-ear smile on his face as he describes the moment and by how fondly he speaks of what I imagine to be a night in hell for a bartender.

But Brad agrees: “I wish that we could be commencement-busy, if not every night then at least every weekend,” he says. “If I’m not at work work-

“IN EARLY 2012, THE FEVE’S SECOND STORY

CONSISTED OF A THIRTEEN-FOOT BAR, SEVEN BEERS ON TAP, AND A SINGLE BARTENDER.” what it could be,” Brad says.

Second, with only one bartender on duty, Josh reports that the bar was busier and more satisfying to work in.

“The bar was smaller and people had less space to spread out,” Josh says. “It used to get rowdy, and I prefer that.

With thirteen feet of bar, I could do everything all at once. I’d run the train on the bar. It was fun.”

Josh tells me about an Oberlin College commencement week a few years back, in which the Feve briefly revived its 2012 level of rowdiness. “It was so busy it took me 30 minutes to get from one end of the bar to the other. I wasn’t even taking orders, I was

ing, I’d rather be at home with my two kids. We don’t get paid to stand here and not pour drinks.”

“I want to have to go and take only two hits of my cigarette on my smoke break because we’re so busy. That’s the goal,” Brad adds. “Personally, I want to have to smoke one cigarette seven times,” Josh says, laughing.

I ask Josh if he’s ever upset that the Feve expanded from a dive bar into the spacious two-story restaurant with table service that exists in 2017. “Absolutely,” he says without pause. “It’s not a bad bar. There’s nothing negative about it, but it’s not

what I signed up for.”

The new upstairs environment actually points to a bigger problem that the Feve management and bartending staff are facing: of how to make the only bar in town a “college bar.”

“People come in, they don’t mingle, they don’t stand, they just come in and sit with their friends,” Brad says.

“It’s no one’s fault.

There’s a lot of room.

There’s table service.

It makes sense that people keep to themselves.”

Josh says that the Feve management and bartending staff has attempted to increase student foot traffic in the bar by experimenting with various evening drink and food specials. This year’s include: $4 Margaritas on Monday, an order of tots and a single well drink for $5 on Thursdays, and what I’ve personally found to be the cheapest 28-oz flight for $9 on Sundays.

With the Feve’s current food and drink specials beaming down on me from the chalkboard above, I can’t help but recall a time earlier this year, in which I told Josh that I was upset the Feve had gotten rid of its old, five-dollar Thursday-night special, affectionately called “Beers and Brats night.” The idea was you get a beer on tap and a brat for $5. I had just turned 21 and everyone was talking about it, which I naïvely assumed was due to it being a roaring success.

He told me that the beer and brat special wasn’t sustainable because the entire upstairs staff was leaving with Ziploc bags of brats each evening: “If three people come in and are into it, that’s great,” he says. “But that’s just three people. It’s not enough to keep a special going.”

Josh says that specials often don’t have their intended effect of drawing more students into the Feve, and I tell him that’s he’s right. After a year of drinking—and sometimes eating— in the Feve, the bar’s more inventive specials are often an afterthought that

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

5

come to mind when I’m already two beers into the night and realize I need to eat something salty if I’m going to make it to my 9:30 a.m. class the next morning.

Given his thin, neatlytrimmed beard, visible tattoos, and clothing style reminiscent of the students I see walking around campus, I had always assumed Josh was in his mid-twenties. So when he I learn he’s 33 and doesn’t “know what twentyyear-old students want,” I’m not able to conceal my surprise. “What?” he asks, noticing a look on my face. “Did you think I was in my late thirties? Oh god.”

Again, I assume this to be a night in hell for bartenders who are liable for underage drinking, for customers who were served too many drinks and go on to drive home, and for a small business financing the loss of property.

For these reasons, I’m not expecting what Brad says next: “It was probably one of my five favorite nights.”

He goes on to add that despite the number of people who turned out for the event, sales and tips were pretty similar to a standard Saturday evening. For those who haven’t yet made it to the upstairs of the Feve on a Saturday night, there are usually a handful of people, most of which are there

“IF STUDENTS WANT TO SEE THE FEVE GROW, ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS PULL UP A STOOL TO THE BAR AND SPEAK UP.”

6

THE GRAPE

to eat dinner. As Josh put it, “Usually we just stand around.” It was unbelievable to think that the bartenders standing before me could have left those two renditions of Saturday night with the same amount of money.

Even so, Brad thinks of the evening as a necessary change of pace for the Feve. “The sales were average, yeah, but it’s something nice to do for the students, to give them that atmosphere,” Brad says. “There’s potential to do more stuff like that in the future if students want it, but we’re going to need to prepare more ahead of time.

There’s talk of wristbands, a five-dollar cover charge for those under 21, and obviously more staff.”

He tells me that he’s meeting with Derek Martin and Quin Butler, the fourth-year students who organized Saturdays at the Feve, later in the evening to plan for future editions of the event. When I interview Derek and Quin the next afternoon, they tell me that Brad was the “ideas guy” behind the event and had been trying to make something it happen for some time.

“On Saturdays, the Feve is empty because of the house party scene. Brad wanted to try and bring that scene to the Feve,” Quin said.

“Last year, parties happened

ing commencement week, that Oberlin College alumni will approach him to apologize for how they behaved when they were students in the bar.

“For a lot of students, this is their first bar. It’s a ‘starter bar.’ It’s where you learn to behave,” Josh says.

“For example, if someone’s being an idiot, I’m going to tell them ‘You’re a fucking idiot. That might sound harsh, but it also might save them from getting thrown out of a bar or beat up at a bar down the road.”

After talking with Brad and Josh for an hour-and-a-half, I left the Feve with this impression: that, at a point, it’s not about the money. It’s not about Oberlin College students getting richer over time, and it may not even be about them getting richer over time and still tipping the same.

It’s about mutual respect. Respect is deeply rooted in money—in the way that Oberlin College students tip and the way that they treat service workers—but it’s also rooted in communication and supporting a local business whose highest priority is to give students what they want.

In other words, if students want to see the Feve grow, all they need to do is pull up a stool to the bar and speak up.

Contact Editor-In-Chief Luke Fortney at lfortney@oberlin.edu.

PHOTO BY NATTY BAKER-SALISUBRY

According to Josh, the entire Feve bartending staff is older than thirty, which makes it hard to know what students want, and even harder to ask. “When I started here, I was 22. I was in better communication with the students because part of my job was to party with them and get to know them,” he says. “But now it’s not about having fun with the people in the bar…

It’s about giving them what they want and making a living.”

More recently, the Feve sponsored a student-led initiative called “Saturdays at the Feve” in which the upstairs dining area was transformed into a club with live music, dancing, and drinks. I wasn’t able to attend the event, but I remember sifting through Instagrams and Snapchat Stories before falling asleep that night and thinking how similar the Feve looked to bars I’ve been to in Los Angeles and New York.

According to Brad, the Feve was packed. In addition to approximately 50 people being kicked out, “there were maybe forty people on the back stairwell, with more on the sidewalk out front,” Brad says. “We needed more staff because people were just walking out with drink cups.”

next door in the apartment above Subway. Why not above the Feve?

It’s good for the students and the bar makes more money.”

Derek tells me that there are five more events lined up between now and the end of February, with the next one scheduled for Saturday, November 18.

Something about Brad’s investment in Saturdays at the Feve interests me; specifically, that despite grievances over parental incomes, poor tips, and a general lack of respect, Brad and Josh are evidently still invested in making sure that Oberlin College student senjoy themselves at the Feve. Somehow, it doesn’t feel as simple as the fact that happy students tip better.

As I collect my things to go, I ask Brad and Josh why they’ve continued to work at the Feve—Brad for two-and-a-half years and Josh for eleven—considering the obvious frustrations of catering to generation after generation of college students. One at a time, they tell me more or less the same thing.

“My favorite thing is when you actually connect with somebody and get to know them. Even when they go away and come back a few years later, you’ll still check in and have a real conversation,” Brad says. Talk of leaving and returning gives me the impression that he’s talking about students, but I can’t be sure. Then he says it: “There are a few students who I talk to. We check in every few years.”

“One of the main draws of working here is that you’re able to shape and influence kids,” Josh says. “It’s being able to tell someone something that they’ll go back and remember. He tells me that it’s pretty standard, on reunion weekends and dur-

The NEXUS Pipeline

Silence From Oberlin College Administration As Construction Set To Begin

BY IAN FEATHER FEATURES EDITOR Despite ongoing legal, legislative, and grassroots opposition, ground may soon be broken on the NEXUS natural gas pipeline, a project first proposed in August of 2014 that will directly impact the Oberlin community. The NEXUS route, as approved

by Federal Regulatory Energy Commission (FERC), runs a few feet north of the backyards of residences in the Reserve Avenue development and poses a blast risk to Splash Zone, the Oberlin Fire Department, and Welcome Home. Nonetheless, activists and local government officials alike refuse to give up their fight, one that may now shift from the courtrooms to the streets.

On October 11th, FERC approved construction plans for the 255-mile NEXUS natural gas pipeline, a $2.1 billion joint-partnership project of Spectra Energy and DTE Energy. Following a more general approval given

by FERC for the project earlier this summer, this was the final regulatory hurdle that Spectra and DTE needed to surpass in order to break ground on the NEXUS pipeline. Intended to transport natural gas extracted from the Marcellus Shale deposits in eastern Ohio to Ontario, Canada, the plan for the NEXUS pipeline is reflective of a national trend of fossil fuel exportation, due to higher prices outside of the US. The fight against the NEXUS pipeline has been long and multifaceted, waged by many different towns and cities of varying sizes and grassroots organizations of different types. Several Ohio towns and cities in the proposed path of the pipeline have attempted to utilize any and all legal and legislative channels at their disposal in an attempt to either reroute the pipeline or prevent its construction entirely. Bowling Green, a city roughly 85 miles west of Oberlin that lies in the route of the NEXUS pipeline, will vote during November 7th elections on an

pay $20,000 to keep the Law Offices of Carolyn Elefant on legal retainer. This September, Elefant filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court on behalf of dozens of Ohio landowners, challenging the constitutionality of the use of eminent domain by two other major FERC-approved pipelines. Eminent domain allows private or public property to be taken, with compensation, from its owner(s) if the property will be used for a purpose that serves the public. In terms of how the NEXUS pipeline may serve a public purpose within the US, City Councilman Bryan Burgess said that it is “hard to see how a OBERLIN STUDENTS, OHIO RESIDENTS PROTEST NEXUS IN NEARBY MEDINA IN DECEMBER, 2016. pipeline to Canada does PHOTO COURTESY OF THE MEDINA GAZETTE. that.” The city first paid Elefant’s office $20,000 amendment of the city’s charter, one (CROO) which prohibits gas and natin 2015 for her services, which at that would prohibit the city’s police ural oil extraction and related activifrom detaining individuals engaged in ties within city limits was passed with the time included the filing of a joint nonviolent civil disobedience against 70.5% support of Oberlin residents. lawsuit with the Coalition to Reroute activities related to fossil fuel extrac- However, in August, 2015 then-City NEXUS (CORN) and the City of Green tion within the city’s limits.

Manager Eric Norenberg inextricably to reroute the pipeline to the south of For the City of Oberlin’s part, there gave NEXUS permission to survey Oberlin and Green.

However, this lawsuit did come has been strong opposition to the con- Oberlin land, a decision that flew in struction of the pipeline ever since the face of the wishes of City Council about without controversy among anti-NEXUS activists. Students for Energy Justice (SEJ), a student organization at Oberlin College, and Communities for Safe and Sustainable Energy (CSSE), an Oberlin community organization, came out in opposition to such efforts, on the grounds that rerouting the pipeline from one community will inevitably cause it to NEXUS first sent a letter in August, and ultimately may have been a fac2015, asking the city for permission to tor in his November 2015 resigna- instead go through another. While the survey parcels of land. In 2013, prior tion. There have not been such mis- City of Oberlin has largely abandoned to when the NEXUS pipeline had even steps since then, and the city refuses its rerouting efforts, CORN remains been proposed, a Community Bill of to give up the fight. On October 16th, steadfast in their own battle.

Rights and Obligations Ordinance the Oberlin City Council voted to

“I DON’T THINK THE PEOPLE OF OBERLIN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE IN FOR. IMAGINE A GREAT CONSTRUCTION PROJECT. MASSIVE INDUSTRIAL-SCALE INFRASTRUCTURE.”

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7.

Despite this disagreement on tactics, the resistance to the NEXUS pipeline has in some ways been a rare opportunity for bipartisan unity: “conservative Republicans care about private property rights. Progressives care about environment effects. This is one issue where both sides fully agree with each other,” stated Burgess. Burgess also emphasized the fact that construction of the NEXUS pipeline in Oberlin would not be a quiet, piecemeal affair akin to the ongoing replacement of smaller pipelines throughout the city: “I don’t think the people of Oberlin know what they’re in for. Imagine a great construction project. Massive industrial-scale infrastructure.”

The battle waged by the city has been strongly supported, and likely partially due to the involvement of the local organization Communities for Safe and Sustainable Energy (CSSE), which was in 2012 following the threat of a fracking well being constructed in another part of the state. In addition to informing and organizing residents within and around Oberlin, CSSE has written multiple letters to FERC in order to challenge the decisions of the regulatory agency as they relate to NEXUS, specifically reiterating how the construction of the pipeline would violate Oberlin’s CBROO. Though to an outside observer, these efforts may seem less impactful than more direct forms of actions, John Elder, Oberlin alum (‘53) and Vice President of CSSE, argued that “It is easier to gain support - and to lessen criticism - when one can demonstrate that all the available legal procedures were followed as far as they could be in the effort to obtain justice; as opposed to rushing into acts of civil disobedience when — theoretically, at least — the existing legal/bureaucratic system could have produced the desired outcome.

A party noticeably absent from Oberlin’s battle against NEXUS is the Oberlin College administration. To some members of SEJ, this inaction by the school is unfortunate yet not surprising, and represents a major blind spot in the school’s overall focus on sustainability. Alex Chuang, a secondyear student active in SEJ, believes the college is “really hypocritical” in terms of its approach to sustainability, focusing on building “really expensive, apparently environmentally-sustainable infrastructure” rather than engaging

Dining Halls and Campus Politics

with more systemic solutions. When asked about what action the school should take specific to the NEXUS pipeline, Chuang said “I think it would be really important for the College to at the very least make a statement [the BY CHARLIE RINEHART-JONES NEXUS pipeline]...if they care about sustainability, they better care about CONTRIBUTING WRITER this pipeline.”

Yet another surprise move by CamHowever, the silence of the Oberlin pus Dining Services and Bon AppeCollege administration is not reflective tit this semester has sent the Oberon the entire Oberlin College commulin College campus into a minor tiff. nity, as SEJ has assumed a very active role in the fight against the NEXUS When students returned from their pipeline ever since the project was first fall breaks, they were surprised to see proposed. Past efforts by SEJ have in- complete reorganizations of their facluded community canvassing to in- vorite places to eat on campus. These form residents of the project and its changes were made to both DeCafé consequences, writing letters to CORN and Dascomb Dining Hall, presumand the Oberlin City Council in opposi- ably so that both spaces would be able tion to past and present rerouting ini- to seat more students. However, such tiatives, and helping residents in other changes were made with minimal Ohio communities fight for ballot ini- consultation with, nor input from, the tiatives similar to Oberlin’s own CROO. Dining Committee, which is supposMost recently, during the 2016-2017 edly meant to play an advising role reacademic year, SEJ helped organize a garding structural changes to diningrally in the nearby town of Medina, one related aspects of the college. Though of the places through which the pipe- not inherently detrimental to the stuline is routed, in addition to leading a dent experience, the reorganization of direct action training within Oberlin DeCafé and Dascomb can be viewed that was made open to any and all Ohio within a pattern of deficient student residents. Now, the focus of the student participation in college decisions that group is both on preparing for potendirectly affect the student experience. tial direct actions in the coming weeks, DeCafé has removed it’s old seatas well as developing local efforts to closely monitor changes in water qual- ing area entirely. The area now holds ity if and when NEXUS were to be suc- racks of food stock, some of which cessfully constructed. According to contain new products. While the Chris Kennedy, third-year student and smoothie and sandwich area remains SEJ member: “I think we have a lot of practically identical, the coffee staexciting ideas about what to do this late tion has moved from the very back in the game….residents and others who of DeCafé to the middle section right were interested in rerouting efforts are next to the office. Milk is now kept recognizing now that some of the only in a small refrigerator next to coffee, remaining options involve direct ac- and most of the cold drinks are now tion.” However, Alex Chuang points to in fridges against the wall, perpenstudents being away from campus for dicular to DeCafé’s east entrance. It’s academic breaks and a lack of insti- honestly just a bigger, better, version tutional memory within SEJ as chal- of the former DeCafé. This increase in lenges to cohesive organizing efforts stock and space will likely quell a lot of by the group. Furthermore, Kennedy the concerns that many students had and Chuang believe that the average when meal swipes were first incorOberlin College student, usually tem- porated into DeCafé at the beginning porary residents, do not have enough of this semester. DeCafé operates in of a personal stake in the fight against largely the same way, but can appear NEXUS to feel an immediate need to very different inside because of the be involved. Still, they agree that any students who feel strongly about the is- long lines of students facing the ‘Sco sue should feel welcome to join SEJ’s — which are due to the new cash register placement next to the west door. anti-NEXUS efforts.

There is generally a lot more space to Contact Features Editor Ian Feather walk around, and it seems that things are a lot less congested. The most at ifeather@oberlin.edu

Who the Hell Moved All the Tables? macro change to DeCafé, however, is the fact that seating has been moved to Rathskeller. There have been a lot of conversations about the future of Rathskeller, and it is now clear that it will likely remain as the seating for DeCafé, as well as the occasional reservable event space.

Dascomb Dining Hall has changed as well. This marks the second big change for Dascomb this semester.

The all-you-can-eat system (the first major change) has very noticeably increased the popularity of the dining hall. At lunch, students are lucky to get food within thirty minutes. Even if they are successful, it’s even less likely that they will be able to get a seat. All of the food has been completely moved around; now the salad bar is where the dessert used to be and the dessert is where the salad bar used to be. The cereal is now also outside the den in Dascomb, where the hot food resides.

The biggest change though, like with DeCafé, is the seating. Instead of being dispersed around Dascomb, all the boothes now reside on the perimeter of the dining hall. Furthermore, tables that used to be rectangles have been divided into squares, a change likely intended to create more seating by using basic geometry.

Let me explain.

Each table used to seat six people: two seats on each side and one on each end. Now, because all of these tables are squares, they seat four a piece, creating a net effect of two seats extra per every former rectangular table. While this does make the seating area a little more crowded because of the extra chairs that are necessary, the extra seating is certainly worth it.

Regarding his feeling on the change, second-year student PJ McCormick says “I love having a place to sit when I go to eat my food.”

While the effects of these changes seem to be positive thus far, the lack of more transparency and communication between the administration

and the Dining Committee could be a serious concern for the student body.

According to Ian Feather, a third-year student who sits on the committee, there was very little prior notice given to the Dining Committee regarding the changes that were made to DeCafé and Dascomb over fall break. Feather was very disappointed with how the process played out, but noted that it’s not the first time that such a lack of communication regarding a major change has occurred: “I think some of us on the committee, both students and adults alike, are beginning to question what our actual purpose on this committee is.”

Regardless of the answer to that question, students may very well be wondering what might happen to their dining halls — or even to other aspects of campus — next.

Deconstructing

Divisions

Yago Colas’s pursuit of a more unified student body

BY TORY EICHLER CONTRIBUTING WRITER Some curious posters have been cropping up around campus over the past few weeks. “Hate Sports?” is the eye-catching and somewhat mysterious tagline that has been piquing the interests of students across campus, inviting those who have felt alienated by athletics to voice their thoughts in a forum setting. While there’s been much confusion and conjecture surrounding the goal of these forums, Professor of English Yago Colas has been utilizing this discussion series in the hopes of both getting to the bottom of stereotypes related to athletic culture, as well as dismantling what many call the “North/South divide” on campus.

Colas is new to Oberlin, joining the English Department faculty this fall after teaching for 25 years at the University of Michigan. In addition to joining the English department, Colas is also

moving to South, they were like ‘Oh, so you’re quitting?’ And while that seems dramatic, they were kind of right. Walking to the pool for a 5am practice from South campus is a completely different story than walking from Noah or Burton.”

What’s particularly ironic about the North/ South divide is that it seems to be in complete violation of much of what this school stands for. Most Oberlin students are hybrids of athletes, artists, intellectuals, journalists, etc. Oberlin has, albeit a bit problematically, historically sought to be inclusive of all kinds of peoples, and organizations like OSCA advocate strongly for accessibility for all.

Yet it’s impossible to be kind and inclusive on a systematic scale if we are unwilling to be kind and unbiased on a personal level. At a place like Oberlin, where identities can be highly performative, it can become all too easy to stick with those who have a similar “aesthetic.” Colas expressed this sentiment, stating that “once you become habituated to thinking in terms of identities, it becomes really easy to generalize about other people based on what you perceive to be their identity. In that process, we forget just how varied and multifaceted each individual human being really is.”

At the next Hate Sports? forum (Nov. 20th, time TBD), Colas hopes to isolate some of the concrete steps that we as a community can take going forward. The issue of sexual misconduct will likely be at the center of the discussion, yet the floor is open for thoughts, opinions, and stories on anything having to do with Oberlin’s social climate, including the North/South divide. All students are encouraged to attend.

ART BY JAKE BERSTEIN

Contact Charlie Rinehart-Jones at crinehar@oberlin.edu

a volunteer assistant coach to the Oberlin Men’s Basketball team and a faculty athletics representative. He organized the Hate Sports? forum as part of a StudiOC course cluster, consisting of three discrete courses focusing on the intersection of sports, culture, and society. In fact, the first forum in the Hate Sports? series was actually called “Athletics 101”, yet Colas stated that “many students perceived it to be a pro-sports event [...] which wasn’t what I was after.” Instead, the Hate Sports? title came about in order to attract more students to the forum who have problems with sports and the Oberlin athletics community.

What became apparent at the last forum was that the issues students are dealing with are not with “sports” themselves, but rather with certain unacceptable behaviors that are stereotypically associated with sports culture, particularly sexual misconduct. While frequent sexual misconduct is a clear problem that exists on this campus, it’s important to note that it’s not limited to just one social group. Colas explains that the stereotype has also become normalized by mainstream culture.

“Because of the very prominent role that sports have in the mediascape in the United States, sexual assault and misconduct by athletes tends to generate headlines,” Colas states. “It becomes something that we’re familiar thinking about — and especially to those who don’t follow sports regularly, those will be the things that stand out to them. This can give a misleading impression that sexual misconduct is more prevalent in athletic culture, rather than it being an issue that is present in all of society.” Colas goes on, “That’s not to say that sports doesn’t play a role [...], but something as vague as ‘sports’ doesn’t really explain misbehavior. It’s about getting down below that initial level so that we can gain an understanding of what really might be going on in some of these programs that might be encouraging or abetting that misbehavior.”

The generalization that all Oberlin athletic teams are complicit in the perpetuation of this misbehavior is likely one of the issues at the root of the so-called “North/South divide” on campus (the divide between athletes and hipsters, essentially). Another issue lies within the human tendency to otherize — why would anyone want to hang out with someone with whom they have absolutely nothing in common? Yet the North/South divide seems to perpetuate a toxic social climate at Oberlin, one that encourages alienation. Liam Russo, a third-year student and former member of the Swim Team, stated “I’ll be walking with some people I still know from the swim team and my [non-swimmer] friends will be like, ‘Who are those people you keep talking to?’ It’s just this unspoken thing that they [swimmer friends and nonswimmer friends] won’t talk to each other.”

Yet another issue is the fact that North and South campus do offer different things. Russo stated “When I told my Swim Team friends I was

Contact contributing writer Tory Eichler at teichler@oberlin.edu.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

9

POLLS OPEN 6:30AM TO 7:30PM

OBERLIN 4

OFFICIAL GENERAL ELECTION BALLOT NOVEMBER 7, 2017, LORAIN COUNTY, OHIO

PAPELETA OFICIAL PARA LA ELECCIÓN GENERAL 7 DE NOVIEMBRE DE 2017, CONDADO DE LORAIN, OHIO

Instructions to Voter In 1979, the United States Supreme Court affirmed my right to register to vote with my college address in Symm v. United States.

On November 7, 2017 I plan to uphold my right to vote. Hereto, I’m publishing a voting guide based on my own research, including local news sources and the League of Women Voters’ bipartisan guide to the upcoming election: www.lwvoberlinarea.org/files/2017_voters_ guide_.pdf. These resources have led me to the conclusions below. I hope this guide can be a jumping off point for you to cast your vote on Tuesday. If you disagree with any of my decisions, please email me at dbrandes@oberlin.edu, preferably before I cast my ballot.

PRELIMINARY INFORMATION: In order to vote in Ohio you need to have registered by October 10, 2017; you can check your registration status and polling location at http://www.loraincountyelections.com/. To vote on election day, Ohio requires identification from voters, including non-photo ID in order to prove residency. If you live on campus bring your utility bill and ID. You can find your utility bill in your OCMR or it can be reprinted at the Oberlin College Office of Government and Community Relations. If you live off campus, you can bring a utility bill, bank statement, or paycheck addressed to your current registered address and an ID. To see the Brennan Center for Justice’s student voting guide, go to www.brennancenter.org/how-vote-2016. Additionally, here is a link to the sample example ballot from the Lorain County Board of Elections so you know what the ballot will look like before stepping into the voting booth: https://www. voterfind.com/lorainoh/data/20171107g/1350%20%201X.pdf?636447938561502491.

OBERLIN 4 ISSUE 1: Right for Crime Victims, Proposed Constitutional Amendment.

To Repeal and replace the existing language in Section 10a of Article I of the Constitution fo the State of Ohio. A Majority yes vote is necessary for the amendment to pass. VOTE YES ISSUE 2: To require state agencies to not pay more for prescription drugs than the federal Department of Veterans Affairs and require state payment of attorney fees and expenses to specific individuals for defense of the law. Similar to California’s Prop 61. A majority yes vote is necessary for the law to pass.

VOTE YES ISSUE 3: A proposed tax levy renewal in order to provide funds for the Lorain County Tuberculosis Clinic. A majority affirmative vote is necessary for passage. VOTE YES ISSUE 4: A proposed tax levy renewal to go towards the operation of a 911 system for the benefit of Lorain County.

A majority affirmative vote is necessary

for passage. VOTE YES

Joint Ambulance District. VOTE YES

ISSUE 5: A proposed tax levy renewal to go towards the Lorain County Sheriff’s Drug Task Force. VOTE NO

ISSUE 40: Proposed School District Income Tax Renewal for the Oberlin City School District. VOTE YES

ISSUE 15: A proposed Municipal Income Tax, Oberlin City. The money would go towards “capital improvements and general operating expenses for the City of Oberlin, and including debt service on obligations issued to finance such activities, for ten years.”

VOTE YES

ISSUE 41: Proposed Tax Levy Renewal to go towards the Oberlin City School District for “the purpose of providing for education technology.” VOTE YES (Housing, would be 5th term, Business Owner and Employed by Burgess Electric LLC)

ISSUE 16: Proposed Ordinance by petition for the City of Oberlin to establish a Sustainable Reserve Program. VOTE YES ISSUE 17: Referendum on Ordinance No. 17-10 AC CMS by petition to establish “a Community Choice Program and a Community Choice Program Fund.”

VOTE NO ISSUE 37: Proposed tax levy renewal to go towards the Central Lorain County

OBERLIN 4

(Climate Action Plan & Social Justice) (Community Oriented & Public Services) (Council President) (Supports LGBTQ rights & Sancuary Cities)

(Affordable Housing)

Oberlin City School District, For Member of Board of Education (Sustainability & Accessibility) (Vote for no more than 3): Sandra C. Redd, Anne Schaum, Steven E Thomp(Improve Housing & Sustainability) son (no longer running), Jason Williams, Kenneth R. Yancey, Albert Bor(Development & Fiscal Responsibility) roni, Laura L. Jones, Isabella Moreno.

ABSTAIN: I’m abstaining for lack of

BY DANA BRANDES-SIMON involvement and understanding of the OPINIONS EDITOR Oberlin City School District.

All Roads Lead To Oberlin

(if you can afford it)

Socioeconomic Diversity at Oberlin

BY GAYLA WOLCOTT CONTRIBUTING WRITER In January 2017, a study by The New York Times found that elite colleges educate more students from rich families than previously thought. At Oberlin, 70% of students come from families in the top 20% of the income strata, 9.3% come from the top 1%, and the median family income is $178,000.

Decisions about socioeconomic diversity in incoming classes are almost entirely decided by the Admissions office on a daily basis. Jesse Docter, who sat on the general faculty committee for financial aid as a student senator, said that admissions follows two main policies set by the committee: Oberlin is not need-blind but meets 100% of demonstrated financial need. Meaning an applicant’s finances are looked at by admissions officers and can contribute to their decision.

Oberlin’s 2017 Common Data sheet shows that only 1,615 of 2,793 total students apply for financial aid. Of the students who apply for aid, the Oberlin

70% OF FAMILIES

Office of Financial Aid qualifies and grants money to only 1,397. Interestingly, 1,115 students who showed no financial need received non-need-based aid, also known as merit aid. According to Ross Peacock, director of Institutional Research for Oberlin, the college uses merit aid as a way to attract students who would otherwise not be inclined

peaked in 1997, and has been declining ever since.

to be correlated with our lower financial aid packages.

However, the biggest changes in socioeconomic demographics have occurred in the last ten years. Peacock informed me of the 2005 strategic plan set in place by former president Nancy Dye, the effects of which became noticeable

There’s also the fact that Oberlin in particular is an expensive institution to finance: we have a world-renowned conservatory and our art museum is unlike that of many other small liberal arts schools. We have to be creative to be able to finance the things that make Oberlin special. Peacock says that it would be very wise to consider in longrange planning how to create more revenue without putting more pressure on students.

“1,615 OF 2,793 TOTAL STUDENTS APPLY FOR FINANCIAL AID.” to enroll, usually full-pay students.

Other elite schools do not offer merit aid, Oberlin’s offer makes it a stronger competitor. .

Scott Jaschik states in an Inside Higher Ed article that “from its founding in 1833, [Oberlin] had a policy of admitting students regardless of race -- and it took the policy seriously, such that by 1900, one third of black graduates of predominantly white colleges in the United States were Oberlin alumni.”

We’re a college that prides itself on its history of racial and ethnic diversity.

In contrast, Oberlin’s recent history of socioeconomic diversity is no inspirational story. Contrary to popular belief, Oberlin has always had a high number of wealthy students relative to colleges similar to us in other ways. According to Peacock, the number of Pell grant recipient students enrolled at Oberlin

IN THE TOP

20% OF THE INCOME STRATA

Students have already tried to take action to make Oberlin a more financially accessible place and in 2014 students organized protests to make financial policy changes and request a tuition freeze. The resulting decrease in a tuition raise did little to create accessibility. From this student’s point of view, Oberlin has a moral responsibility to improve financial aid and an opportunity to expand diversity in our student body.

a few years into its execution. As I was unable to find the plan publicly available online, I learned about it through the previously mentioned article by Scott Jaschik, which says that the plan was very candid about the “unsustainable financial position” of the time. It proposed that the student body should shrink by 100 students over a period of a few years, but not admit any full-paying students its future classes. In other words, the administration decided to fix the budget crisis by gaining revenue through tuition.

Contact contributing writer Gayla Wolcott @ gwolcott@oberlin.edu.

Oberlin financing capabilities run into the problem that our endowment is much smaller than endowments of other comparable schools. Take for example Amherst College, stereotypically a ‘rich kid school.’ Amherst has such a large endowment that they use it to finance 23% of their student body Pell grant recipients, and their average financial aid package is over $50,000 per year. Some impressive characteristics of their student body show an alignment with the financial aid provided by the institution: 17% of students are first-generation, and 44% are students of color (excluding international students). The situation in the United States is that students of color disproportionately come from low-income strata. The fact that only 27.3% of Oberlin students identify as people of color appears

9.3% COME FROM THE TOP 1%

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

11

From the May 2004 Grape Archives Literally Nothing Has Changed

At the forty-two most selective state universities, 40% of this year’s freshmen come from families making more than $100,000 up from about 32% in 1999, according to the Higher Education Research Institute. Nationwide, fewer than 20% of families make that much money.

In 2000, approximately 55% of freshmen at the nation’s 250 most selective colleges came from households in the top 25% of the income-earning bracket. This is a large increase from the 46% of students who came from the same bracket in 1985. The number from the bottom 25% of the income bracket has fallen during this period, and when combined with the numbers from the middle 50% bracket of income earning the numbers fall dramatically.

Colleges have meanwhile increased tuition rapidly. According to the College Board, a publc-policy research organization focused on education issues, “both public and private four-year college tuitions increase on average more than 115% over inflation” during that 20-year period. According to the United States Department of Education, this has caused the number of students on financial aid to jump to approximately 9.1 million.

While this trend may create the impression that students are coming from a wider economic spectrum than in the past, in reality, due to the increasing wealth of students it is likely that financial aid simply stretches far higher up the income ladder than before.

The across the board increase in tuition appears to have dashed the ambitions of many middle- and low-income families. Understandably, students are unwilling or unable to take on the tens of thousands of dollars of debt that is often necessary to earn a college degree.

According to a recent New York Times article, it is the view of some college officials that the statistics may even understate the levels of wealth ‘from which many students come. When officials at Binghamton Uni-

12

THE GRAPE

versity, part of the State University of New York, matched survey data with financial aid forms, they found that students often listed their parents’ in -come as lower than it really was, said Cheryl Brown, the director of under graduate admissions.

The question remains whether the ongoing economic diversity is sues are due to a specific organizational agenda or whether the problem is simply an issue of shortsighted economic solutions.

As junior Joe Kimmel notes in a recent letter to The Grape, there have been a series of decisions made by. Oberlin’s own administration that may be adding the troubles of less privileged students: “Many [studentsl feel that Oberlin’s accessibility to economically disadvantaged students is threatened by recent College actions, which paint a cumulative picture more alarming when taken as a whole than when viewed one by one.” Included in the list of decisions are the recent decision by CIT to close the 24-hour Biggs computer lab, this semester’s reduced print quota, the disproportionate increase in cost for co-opers, and the expansion of college housing to keep a greater number of students on campus for longer.

The elimination of need-blind admissions is also seen as a critical aspect of the economic diversity issue. First-year Malik Woods says, “in a society that stressed personal wealth over personal ability, it should come as no shock that need blind schools have regained their sight in light of increasingly worsening economic conditions.”

Junior Evan Smith says, “as soon as I think I’m getting beyond simple Marxist analysis, shit like this comes up to remind me, oh yeah, there’s a bunch of rich people that are trying to control the country and get richer.

That’s right, I forgot.”

Kimmel says, “while each of these administrative decisions could eventually tolerable with their own, take together they reveal

that not only is Oberlin not taking steps to address issues of economic diversity, but in fact we are only making it harder for lower income students to become Oberlin College students.”

The discussion regarding need-blind admissions has also recently made its way into the latest survey put out by the Student Senate. On the issue, Senator Benjamin Pred remarked, “now we have ‘need sensitive’ admissions, which pretty much means that a student’s financial background isn’t considered until the end of the process. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want need-blind admissions (I know I do), but as I understand it right now, Oberlin simply doesn’t have the money.”

In a series of speeches this month at the University of Virginia, former Princeton University President William G. Bowen called upon selective colleges to open their doors to more students whose parents are porr or did not attend college by giving them the extra consideration granted to minorities or children of alumni.

Bowen, who has produced two books regarding recent college admission debates, argues that financial aid does not go far enough. In his study of admissions at 19 competitive colleges, he found that students from underprivileged background who are accepted choose to enroll at about the same rates as others, suggesting they are not deterred by costs.

Yet their overall numbers remain tint: a mere 3.1 percent of students in the 1995 entering class at the 19 schools were from lower-income families in which neither parent had attended college. So, Bowen says, colleges should take a more friendly approach to such students’ applications.

Other higher-education researchers have made similar recommendations. Yet Bowen, an economist who three decades ago became Princeton’s second-youngest president and is now president of Andrew W. Mellon

Foundation, is perhaps the most prominent and influential to do so.

Many university officials view the increase in wealth on college campus in terms of a combination of both economic and psychological factors. The idea is that, as the income of college graduates has risen much faster that that of less educated workers, getting into the rightcollege has become an obsession in many upper-income high schools.

Even now, Bowen argues that preferences for poor students should accompany, not replace, preferences for minorities enrolling in elite schools hail from well-off families, he said; if they lost their admissions edge, their numbers would drop sharply.

However, Bowen says, “the odds of getting into this privileged pool in the first place depend enormously on who you are and how you grew up.” Few poor students get on the academic fast track, beginning in an elementary school that would lead them to apply to a top college, he said. Many don’t even take the SAT. Bowen cited a study showing that wealthy students are six times more likely to take the SAT and score as least 1200 than students from poor homes.

By giving an edge in the admissions office to these kinds of applicants, Bowen states, elite universities would increase class diversity and send a strong message to underprivileged students. “It says, in effect, ‘you have done great in the face of many obstacles; now we will give you a well-deserved boost,” he says.

Kam’s Korner

Vice President and Dean of Admissions Manuel Carballo

BY KAMERON DUNBAR STAFF WRITER In this week’s Kam’s Korner, I had a chat with new Vice President and Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Manuel Carballo. Here’s a bit of how the conversation went.

The Oberlin position came up and it seemed like a good fit.

Oberlin. What draws you to a liberal arts education?

K: You have a son named Julian. How’s he liking the transition?

KAM: So you were born in Costa Rica?

Tell me about how you ended up at Oberlin College.

M: I think he's liking it! He’s four years old and has started at OECC. This morning when I dropped him off at school he said “I really like my school better than I like my old one.” Not to say bad things about the old one but because he loved his teachers there, but he said on the first day of school “I'm nervous to go to school.” And today when I was dropping him off he said “I’m not nervous to go to school.”

M: I felt that even when I was at Swarthmore that I did better in my small classes than in my larger classes. It's this idea of really being able to engage and to feel like [you and your professor are partners in this process]. The professor is almost a colleague that you're working [through things with]– they're not the ones imparting knowledge.

Also, the feeling that so much of what you learn in college comes from outside of the classroom. The fact that we are a community and what I like to call an “intentional community.” Pretty much everybody lives on campus; we don't just take our classes and disappear. The social life revolves mostly around the campus and so we're learning from each other, we're learning by being in these clubs and different organizations that we start. So both of those I think are helpful for me, but also then this idea that the learning doesn't have to be linear. You know if you want to go work in banking you don't have to be an economics major--you can be an English major. Or if you want to be a doctor you can be a Classics major. It’s the idea of learning for its own sake because it’s important. So that's what draws me to the liberal arts colleges.

MANUEL: I was born in Costa Rica. My parents are still there. My dad is Costa Rican and my mom is Brazilian; she moved to Costa Rica when she was 15. When I was very young I lived in the Dominican Republic for two years then back to Costa Rica. I spent first grade through sixth grade in Columbia, and then back to Costa Rica where I graduated high school. But because of those moves and because of the different academic calendars I went to some of these international schools.

My high school counselor was a Williams grad and he was a big proponent of liberal arts schools. My older sister is one year older and she was looking at a small liberal arts college and ended up at Swarthmore. I followed and I chose Swarthmore because it had the small liberal arts environment that I was used to and liked. It was at a very small school but had engineering. That's what I originally thought I wanted to do. Turned out that I did not want to do that. I majored in economics but I fell in love with education working for the admissions office. I had never taken any education classes but I stayed and worked at Swarthmore and said “I love this. If I'm going to continue doing this I should probably go back to school.” So I went and got a master's degree in education [from Harvard] and then went right back to Swarthmore to work a little bit. After a stint at a school in Texas that wasn't quite the right fit I ended up at Middlebury for twelve years. I started in admissions doing diversity recruitment. I was a coordinator for Latinx recruitment at Swarthmore, coordinator for multicultural recruitment at Middlebury for six years and then the director for the last six. Eventually I decided it was time for a change. I am very picky, and so it wasn't about getting to the next level and getting to be a Dean somewhere. It was really about where I want to be and making the right choice.

So he's loving it. I was nervous about the transition but he's happy with it--it's been good. He loves elevators. He can tell you what kind of elevator an elevator is, what brand and what type it is based on the button it has. Being on a college campus there are lots of elevators. He's been exploring the elevators. It's a little hard to have an elevator right outside our office in admissions, but he likes it K: You went to Swarthmore, you worked at Middlebury, and now you’re at

K: How would you define your role?

M: My role is to work with a lot of

wonderful folks in Admissions and Financial aid to make sure that we're bringing in a great batch of students to campus every year. It’s facilitating that role with other offices on campus and people who are not here anymore. We're certainly doing our admissions work which is visiting high schools, recruiting students, bringing them to campus, talking to them, reading applications, and admitting them. But it really is telling the Oberlin story and we depend on others to do that as well. Part of my role is to reach out to students who help us as tour guides, interns, students, overnight hosts, etc. It's important for us to learn their stories. It's reaching out to the alumni base who help us interview students all over. And it's just basically connecting everybody. But it's also working with our coaches who help us bring wonderful students. Certainly the folks in the Conservatory who bring really talented students to Oberlin. It’s facilitating all these conversations, thinking about how do we make sure that we can tell that Oberlin story in all its power.

One of the important things that we do in admissions is having to remember that we're not just bringing in students. So the flipside of that is we're not just bringing students for [four] years. We're accepting students who are then going to be alumni and are going to be here with us as part of the Oberlin family for years and years to come. And so helping to shape that longer term history of the college is something that I think is really important.

K: Where do you think your role fits into President Ambar’s administration and goals?

M: I think every time you have new people there are new connections in terms of how you interact, what the goals are, and how do we move forward. Certainly enrollment and retention is one of the goals that she has been talking about. It's been important for us and is very much something that we need to talk about now. But beyond that, like I said you know, admissions tells the story of what this place is all about. And so when President Ambar sets the direction for the college and talks about you know what it is that the institution needs, those are all things that help us.

Contact staff writer Kameron Dunbar at kdunbar@oberlin.edu.

Why Doesn’t Anyone Ever Talk about Liz Phair?

Considering Oberlin’s Forgotten Rockstar

BY MOLLY BRYSON COPY EDITOR Really, why don’t they? If Liz Phair isn’t the epitome of the self-aware, politicallycharged, neurotic artist-type Oberlin graduate, then I don’t know who is. Quite frankly, I’m not sure why we don’t hail Liz Phair as our ultimate hero-feminist, as our champion counter-culturist, as our most prized indie-music celeb. Maybe her latest albums do sound a bit like soundtracks to a garish 2000s chick flick, but her early stuff is raw, unapologetic, alt-rock. If “Why Can’t I?” is the hit song of 13 Going on 30, then “6’1” off Phair’s first album Exile in Guyville should be the theme song to 10 Things I Hate About You (please note the

alternative-rock scene of the early ‘90s.

Exile in Guyville received critical acclaim, making it onto Rolling Stone’s “500 Greatest Albums of All Time” list, ranking number one in the year-end critics poll in the ‘93 issue of Spin, and coming in thirty first in NPR’s “150 Greatest Albums Made

By Women.” The record is lyrically smart and intentionally provocative, all while remaining charmingly dilettantes. In contrast to the contrived sex appeal of her demure indie-rock-boy contemporaries, Phair was assertively and authentically sexy, and so was her music. She was an alternative icon in the age of alternative,

pretty spot-on, even today. “‘Everyone had a band… There was a lot of rock & roll spirit, but it was an intense place. Neurotic overachievers who want to be hip,’” she says in an early interview with Rolling

“PHAIR WAS ASSERTIVELY AND AUTHENTICALLY SEXY, AND SO WAS HER MUSIC. I DON’T THINK IT’S COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE TO ATTRIBUTE AT LEAST SOME OF HER UNIQUE MUSICAL TALENT AND FEMINIST ARTISTRY TO OBERLIN.” difference in feminist tone between these films).

In all honesty, though, Phair was one of a select few female artists to make herself known in the then male-dominated

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and I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to attribute at least some of her unique musical talent and feminist artistry to Oberlin.

Phair’s remembrance of Oberlin is

Stone magazine. Maybe I’m projecting, but I can’t help but find much of Phair’s persona overwhelmingly familiar. She is crudely smart, unapologetically defiant, and totally against-the-times. Her

LIZ PHAIR SITTING ON THE PORCH OF WILDER HALL. PHOTO COURTESY OF SAYLERFAMILY.COM quick wit and apparent intellectualism frequently trip-up and surprise her interviewers, who probably aren’t used to assertive, self-loving women, much less women musicians. When she talks about her music, Phair is overcome with critical self-analysis and cultural examination — “a calculated veneer,” describes Rolling Stone, “...so that at times [her albums] seem more like a college thesis than like music.”

It’s true; Phair’s first album, Exile in Guyville, though at first listen merely a sex-fueled, self-made pop-rock album, is

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 14.

Contact copy editor Molly Bryson at mbryson@oberlin.edu.

Acts of Freedom in North Korea

PHOTO BY JOE SCHERMER

in fact a carefully crafted response to The Rolling Stone’s Exile on Mainstreet; “Guyville,” even, is Liz’s mocking condemnation of the testosterone-dominated Chicago indie music scene, where she was living and working in the early ‘90s. Phair was an Art History major, so it’s no surprise that her music has a conceptual and compositional style akin to a painting. Her lyrics are punchy and provocative, while also being tantalizingly poetic. One of her most controversial hits, “Flower,” boasts such raunchy lyrics as “Every time I see your face/I think of things unpure unchaste/I want to fuck you like a dog/I’ll take you home and make you like it” — an attempt to reclaim an aggressive male sexuality, no doubt.

Phair’s coarseness is endearing, and her erotic phrasing should be considered nothing less than authentic female verbalism. “She rightly maintains that her songs are directly reflective of conversations that most young women are having across this great land right now and that those chats are as frank, casual and often as clinical as those of men,” relates Rolling Stone. If “Flower” feels a bit too obscene for you, maybe you can relate to one of Phair’s countless other hits, such as “Fuck and Run,” in which she criticizes an apathetic hookup culture; “And what ever happened to a boyfriend,” she laments — a sentiment I have heard many of my fellow Obies express.

“I want all that stupid old shit/like letters and sodas.” (I couldn’t agree more, Liz.) And if that doesn’t cut it for you, at least appreciate the lyric in “Cinco de Mayo” that quite literally goes “Burn out, Ohio,” which, may I hypothesize, is probably intended as a back-handed turn-of-expression for Oberlin.

I’ll admit, Liz Phair isn’t necessarily representative of my usual taste in music. She’s a little too pop-y, a little too forward. But there’s something about her that really gets me going. Heck, she’s from Chicago; I’M from Chicago.

She went to Oberlin; I GO to Oberlin. She studied art history; I’M an undeclared Art History major. She’s a musician; I’VE been falling in love with musicians since I was 14. When I read that Phair designed WhipSmart’s cover art to resemble a Russian Constructivist propaganda poster, I couldn’t help but think back to the Constructivism unit in my modern art history class last semester, and imagine Liz sitting right there next to me.

And to top it all off, I’ve come across a few mentions of Liz being a frequent customer at The Bongo Room, which is... wait for it... the very same restaurant where I worked as a minimum-wage hostess this summer! Despite our totally opposite traits of character, I can’t help but feel that Liz and I are somehow very close. Her small-scale stardom has become a sort of consolation for me, and suddenly I feel a lot more like saying “fuck it,” dropping academia to learn guitar, and moving back to Chicago to live life and make smart, angry girl rock in a friend’s basement. And isn’t that the Oberlin dream, after all?

Reviewing Bandi’s The Accusation

BY MARTIN RABOT COLUMNIST The Accusation, published this year by Grove Press, probes into an elusive literary frontier: North Korea. Its very existence is a testament to the power of literature, and more broadly, to storytelling.

Smuggled out of North Korea in between the pages of Kim Il-Sung’s memoirs, The Accusation is the only piece of dissident fiction written by a North Korean (presumably) still in North Korea. I say “presumably” because literature is a state-run enterprise in North Korea, with the only permitted novels being those that extol the virtues of the party’s past and present leadership. The public, and indeed Grove Press Publishing, do not know who Bandi truly is, or if they are still alive. Let this collection ring all the more powerful, then, for the risks taken to deliver it to the world.

Bewildering back story aside, this collection also happens to be expertly crafted and fabulously executed. The characters are so simply and vividly written that even though their entire lives are incredibly foreign to me, I can imagine their struggles clearly. These lives, these routines, are only backdrops to universal human qualms.

Several stories ring Kafka-esque bells, as sympathetic characters confront waves of impenetrable bureaucracy. In City of Specters, a party member — Gyeong Hee, who comes from a good family (Bandi’s emphasis on family history suggests a society of relative predestination)— is chastised, and eventually exiled with her family, because of her toddler’s “unpatriotic behavior.” His behavior? Crying during an outdoor rally and being afraid of the gargantuan portraits of Karl Marx and Mao Zedong that loom right outside their apartment windows. The absurdity of the

situation is not lost on our narrator, who is unusually aware of the charade her society performs — a charade that she herself must participate in as a party member. Though she does not awaken to find her son metamorphosed into an insect, the absurdity of her situation may be even more startling, for a whole society is endorsing it.

My favorite story is the opening one, Record of a Defection. It is an epistolary, layered narrative in which a couple flees to find a new level of freedom. It is not news that many North Koreans attempt to flee the oppressive dictatorship, and it is precisely this sentiment that Bandi captures and uses. The outer layer of the story is a letter explaining to a neighbor why they are fleeing. It is not a family member or a trusted friend who is receiving this letter, but a friendly neighbor. Those who aren’t highup in the party have all thought of escape, perhaps even openly. The letter is so familiar, so endearing, that the promise of a new life can be seen already influencing the husband’s thoughts. In a way, it is not only the hope of this young, fictional couple, but the hope of a nation’s people, and of Bandi as well.

These are not stories of the party leadership in their ivory tower. Bandi presents a reality that contrasts sharply with the statesponsored one. Despite a

presumed unawareness of media representations of North Korea, Bandi depicts exactly what is hidden from foreigners. The Accusation depicts life —everything that is normal and utterly alien at the same time. It is fitting, then, that the unseeable is illuminated

by Bandi, whose pseudonym is a derivative of the Korean word for “firefly.” Although Oberlin students may be worlds away from those described in The Accusation, the collection emphasizes the universal aspects of human life. In these worlds that most of us will never visit, we can see ourselves.

Contact columnist Martin Rabot at mrabot@oberlin.edu.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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Heathers, cont.

Off-Broadway. The issues it presents--teen suicide, murder, sexual assault, homophobia, gun violence, and eating disorders, among others--now hold different cultural meanings given the history that has transpired since ‘89. J.D.’s dream of mass murder, for example, no longer feels so absurd, its viability exponentially larger.

Heathers: The Musical takes some steps in accounting for these shifts. Some vague examples to avoid spoilers: An explanatory backstory is given for one of the movie’s greatest sources of homophobia; the victims of bullying get the chance to share their perspectives so the audience, leaving the audience with more than just the jarring, direct consequences of this bullying; the perpetual bleakness that the film uses to satirize 80s faux-optimism is lightened. While some changes were made from film to stage, problematic aspects of the film still managed to infiltrate the stage production because a largely non-critical audience (a uent white people) allowed for such inclusions to go uninterrogated.

The Oberlin Musical Theater Association’s production of Heathers: The Musical seeks to appropriately interrogate these issues. While necessary to pay homage to the original, the show must remain aware of its cultural context and engage realistically with the political topics at hand. J.D.’s behavior towards Veronica, for example, is abusive and should be treated as such. The stakes for Veronica while she’s cornered in a cemetery by two drunk and aggressive football players should be much higher than they are traditionally portrayed. The Off-Broadway version of the production embraced the humor that can be found in pain, but sometimes in doing so it discounted the gravity of its serious themes.

The biggest leap from the original film to Oberlin’s production, though, is the queering of J.D. and Veronica. There aren’t enough queer people in our media,

and when present they’re rarely complex, often only included as a punchline, and still mostly cis white gay men. Portraying J.D. as a transmasculine person gives not only this much-needed representation, but adds significantly more complexity to a character that is otherwise not much more than a “high school loner” archetype.

A cis male J.D. framing two murdered teen boys as gay to hurt their post-mortem reputations, for example, has substantially different weight than the same action by a queer person. How does J.D.’s queerness alter their relationship with Veronica, their dad, and their peers? How does it alter their relationship with society? How does one’s identity alter perceptions of their abuse? How can reconceptualizing characters be used as a tool to reconstruct normative narratives, and what are the implications of these reconceptualizations? How can we consider our cultural context to add newer, deeper meaning to the stories we produce and reproduce?

These are the sorts of questions tackled by the upcoming production of Heathers: The Musical.

Heathers: The Musical, directed by Ryan Linskey ‘19, produced by the Oberlin Musical Theater Association, and written by Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe, can be seen in Wilder Main Space on Friday, November 17th at 8pm and Saturday, November 18th at 2pm and 8pm. A free open dress rehearsal will be held on Thursday, November 16th, at 8pm. Tickets will be available in advance at Wilder Desk for $3 and can be bought for $5 at the door.

CWs for Heathers: The Musical: Depictions of disordered eating, sexual assault, violence, suicide, murder, abusive romantic and family relationships, as well as homophobia, fatphobia, slurs, guns, alcohol and drugs.

ARTICLE SUBMISSION DATE FOR NEXT ISSUE: THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9 EMAIL articles and pitches to section editors FEATURES: Ian Feather, ifeather@oberlin.edu OPINIONS: Dana Brandes-Simon, dbrandes@oberlin.edu ARTS & CULTURE: Casey Redcay, credcay@oberlin.edu BAD HABITS: Isabel Klein, iklein@oberlin.edu QUESTIONS OR CORRECTIONS? EMAIL THEGRAPE@OBERLIN.EDU. 18

THE GRAPE

Drink Drank Drunk The Spiked and Spiced Apple Cider

BY SYD GARVIS COLUMNIST

She paused, and said, “No thank you,” and we promptly left.

She told me later that night, “Turning him down gave me more of a rush than sleeping with him ever could.”

Ingredients 1. 8 oz (a small glass) apple cider or unfiltered apple juice 2. 1 shot spiced rum 3. 1-2 shots of water 4. Sprinkle or stick of cinnamon

Instructions 1. Mix your apple cider, water, and rum in a glass. (The water lightens the drink; apple cider can be dense.) If you want, add a dash of cinnamon, or stir your drink with a cinnamon stick.

ART BY SYD GARVIS

Our sophomore year, my friend and I drank this apple cider at a party thrown by some senior geology majors who lived together.

Most geo majors showed up, and we bonded over the funny things our professors had done on field trips, and what classes were the best and worst. As most people were leaving, my friends and I — who were in the very niche category of being both geology majors and also lacrosse players — headed to an open party hosted at the men’s lacrosse house. The vibe of the night drastically changed, from sitting around being tipsy nerds to dancing in a crowded sauna. It was as sweaty as your typical sports party, but it was actually really fun because the music was pretty good. Of course, S&S showed up, and everyone rushed out of the house as if something bad was actually going to happen now that S&S was there.

Here come the juicy details: there was a senior guy who we had nicknamed “Hot Jesus” who was really attractive, had a jawline that could cut the fiesta cheese at Stevie and perfect curls just like the anglicized image of Jesus. On our way out, Hot Jesus stopped my friend in the kitchen, full of other lacrosse players, and asked “Do you wanna go back to my place?”

2. If you want it hot, heat it up in a saucepan, and serve in a mug.

Another option is to microwave your apple cider and water before adding your rum.

Letter of Recommendation

Dating an Upperclassmen

BY ANNA POLACEK COLUMNIST The dating scene at Oberlin is weird, to say the least.

If you’re a freshman, you probably downloaded Tinder about 2 months ago and swipe left and right each night before you go to bed. If you’re a second year, let’s be real, you probably still do the same.

From what I’ve heard, the Tinder game gets repetitive and straining by the time you’re a third and fourth year. But one thing’s for sure: Tinder is what powers Oberlin’s hookup culture.

But I’m speaking to my fellow underclassmen here, and I’m going to reveal the ultimate plug of Oberlin romance: if you are looking to date someone, get in there with an upperclassmen. One lonely freshman night, I swiped

right on an older lady, and low and behold, nearly one year later, I am DATING said older lady. The perks are endless. Most importantly, there’s the potential to sleep in

Dating an upperclassmen also saves you from the risks of dating someone in your own class. Inter-friend group relationships always end with drama, and the anxiety of running into an old fling in your dorm bathroom is real.

So if you’re an individual seeking love or a cool, fun sexual encounter and are comfortable with the potential age-related power dynamics, swipe, swipe, swipe right on those upperclassmen! Love is out there friends.

“TINDER IS WHAT POWERS OBERLIN’S HOOKUP CULTURE.” a single or a non-twin XL bed (and maybe even a house).

Getting debriefed on interesting upperclassmen gossip is a bonus, and so is gaining insight into Oberlin wisdoms.

Also, it’s hot.

Contact columnist Anna Polacek at apolacek@oberlin.edu.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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Tattoo Artist Feature Emily Harter

BY EMORY MCCOOL CONTRIBUTING WRITER

EH: I do stick and pokes exclusively.

EM: When and how did you start tattooing?

EH: Well I went to art school last year, so that’s just something that a lot of people do at art school. And I don’t know… I was interested in it. I did one on myself and then people got interested, so I started doing them on other people.

EM: So you do stick and pokes — what’s your method?

Any specific things that you try to do?

EH: I try to keep it clean, for sure. Hygiene is very important. I’d feel like a real piece of shit if I, like, gave someone an infection. I use actual tattoo needles, and ink and gloves. Not the sewing needle pencil thing… I would not feel comfortable doing that to another human being.

friends a lot. Here it’s kind of a different story because word kind of gets around. I’ve had people that I don’t really know come to me and be like, “Hey, do you want to do this?” So I’ve said yes to some people already just based on stuff that they want… but moving forward I think it’s going to be a flash-only situation. I don’t like to charge people because it’s just not what that’s about for me. I want it to be a fun art that we’re both having a good time with. I think it comes out better when it’s an image that I’m invested in as well.

EM: What’s the biggest difference in approaching design between tattoos and other mediums you do?

EH: You gotta keep it simple, is the thing. Something that’s like a little line in a drawings is gonna be like half an hour of work in a stick and poke… you gotta recognize your limits.

EM: Have you ever had someone start a tattoo and then have to stop?

EM: What styles/designs do you like doing?

EH: It’s kind of tied into my arts practice, so I like to tattoo the sort of things that I like to draw. It’s very witch or cult-y. The one that I have is a witch with a candle on her head… and I’ve done a few candles. Moving forward I’d like it to be more in keeping with the imagery I like to use, so sort of witchy, halloween-y kinds of things. Plants are fun. I’ve done some plants.

EM: Are there any artists — tattoo artists or otherwise — who you’re inspired by or who you try to emulate?

EH: There are a couple Instagram people who I think are cool. I almost got a tattoo this summer by this person in Brooklyn called Rita Salt (@ritasalt)... I like her work a lot.

Also, there’s this French artist — their name’s Tarmasz.

They do these cool knight ladies. If I was ever in France I’d probably try and hit them up. But in terms of inspiration, I kind of just like to do what I draw. I’m not trying to go pro with it, so it’s more like a fun thing.

EH: No… not yet. But I’ve had some people really have a hard time with it… people are real troopers. I really respect it. I appreciate it.

EM: Do you have any funny or weird tattoo stories? Do you have a go-to story?

EH: I have an ex-girlfriend tattoo… I feel like that’s the story to have, so like not very interesting, but that’s a big one. I did a tattoo for of my best friends at home of his dog that passed away, and he didn’t want to show his mom for a while. But he just showed her and he texted me, “My mom saw it and she was like I’m only glad you have this because Emily did it.” That really warmed my heart.

EM: How is tattoo culture at Oberlin different than other places you’ve experienced it?

EM: Have you ever considered doing non-stick and pokes?

EH: I mean compared to art school, people are a lot more thoughtful about it. At art school people throw caution to the wind with body modification… like a lot of dorm facial piercings. Obviously some of that goes on here too, but overall, better tattoos here.

EH: Nah, that scares me. I don’t know… that would require a lot of investment.

EM: What do you look for when getting or doing a tattoo?

Any tips for people who are considering it?

EM: Do you do tattoos on anyone who comes to you? Or do you tend to stick to just doing them on friends?

EH: Just time… I like to see consistency. I try to just be cautious about it. Usually, I’ll have people wait a couple weeks after someone first approaches me. If someone’s wavering a lot on a design, like “I want this, no, I want this,” then maybe we’ll just take a moment. Maybe come back to me in a little bit.

EH:

20

Over

the

summer

I

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did

them

on

my

PHOTOS BY EMILY HARTER

EM: So, what’s your setup?

Fourche de Chemins A Book Review, of Sorts

BY JACK ROCKWELL

Why Staying at Oberlin Over

CONTRIBUTING WRITER I was trawling the internet the other day when I encountered quite a remarkable text. It was a short story with heavy-handed parabolic undertones about two lovers bickering in a garden. I bookmarked the page and sent the link to my friend Ramzy. I was particularly interested in hearing his opinion on a certain viewpoint espoused, concerning the obligation of one romantic partner to share innumerable petty truths of life with another, and whether or not that obligation can stand while acknowledging philosophies that dispute the existence of truth down to the very nature of reality. It was posed as a question by a young woman to a young man. I went so far as to direct him to the relevant paragraph (it was the eighth).

I was surprised by Ramzy’s response, which I received about twelve hours later. He was confused by my question, and wrote that he saw no trace of the issues that I was referring to. He did, however, mention that in that eighth paragraph he found a line detailing honeysuckles winding about an old oak tree, that he thought was tasteful and nice. I had no recollection of such a line — I smoke a lot of pot, but not that much — so I pulled up the text to investigate.

El crep sculo comenzaba a extender sus ligeras alas de vapor sobre las pintorescas orillas del Segre, d nde se hallaron Emilia y Antonio, con los manos entrelazados.

Only four minutes later, at 4:57:17 PM, the line had morphed: Una oscuridad comenzaba a extender sus ligeras alas de vapor sobre las pintorescas orillas del Segre, d nde se hallaron Emilia y Antonio, con los manos entrelarados.

And by the next morning at 6:03:32 AM, the following text was in the position at which I had found the aforementioned lines: Ascendiendo a la cima de las monta as de granito, se present al este una meseta que parec a engalanada con vides multicoloradas.

We determined that the textual model, vacillating from 2453 words at its largest to 2298 words at its smallest, substitutes, adds and deletes words at an average rate of three per minute. It completes a full rotation once every 24 hours: that is to say, the text observed at any given time appears exactly the same as it will exactly 24 hours from the observation. The distribution of these changes is fairly uniform across the body of the text —

“THE AUTHOR MUST HAVE WRITTEN DOZENS, MAYBE HUNDREDS OF SHORT STORIES, AND FOUND AN INGENIOUS WAY OF LINKING THEM TOGETHER THROUGH THE GRADUAL INTERCHANGE OF A FEW WORDS HERE AND THERE.” What I found blew my mind. The title and formatting of the blog post in front of me was the same as before, but the story I read from it was very different. This one read like a shit translation of Henry David Thoreau, or some other stuffy transcendentalist, rife with flowery descriptions of nature and allusions to goodness. There was still a garden, but no couple, only a man pontificating to no one in particular. I called Ramzy and we arranged to meet up and figure out what was going on.

When we finally sat down about three hours later, we pulled up the text together and found that it had changed yet again. This time, the changes were more subtle; there was still a pontificating man, but his name had changed from Tracy to Scott. We hoped there might be some sort of pattern to the changes, and spent the better part of a few hours devising a methodology by which we might discern it. I’ll spare you the details of our work — they involve a lot of boring stuff, mostly downloading and data processing — and get right to the conclusions we arrived at.

We saw that the text rotates its meaning by the accumulation of very small changes, executed automatically at a rate of a few disparate words per minute. For instance, at 4:53:06 PM EST on Friday, October 17th, the third paragraph began with the following line:

Doing Nothing at College

there are no statistically significant concentrations in one paragraph or another. A total of 45,704 unique words appear throughout all iterations. Less quantifiable is the number of storylines, themes, recognizable symbols, etc. that appear in all the different versions. The only two elements that appear to be universal are the title, Fourche de Chemins, and the setting, a garden.

What’s truly impressive about this textual model is that it retains coherence at every step in the process. Ramzy and I downloaded every possible iteration of the text and randomly selected six versions each to read. While the quality arguably varied, for none of them could we say that the story didn’t make sense, nor were there any issues of grammar, a remarkable feat given the scale of the work.

The author must have written dozens, maybe hundreds of short stories, and found an ingenious way of linking them together through the gradual interchange of a few words here and there.

What remains to be done might be a literary analysis of the various stories presented, and how they relate to one another, and what this means for each of them. This task I offer to you — I can’t make myself read about another fucking garden. But you, with fresh eyes, will probably enjoy it! Check it out here: http://bit.ly/IqT6zt

Break Isn’t as Bad as You’d Think

BY ELIANA CARTER COLUMNIST After an early ending to my fall break adventure, I flew into Cleveland on a clear Thursday morning. I was a little nervous for the four days looming ahead of me in Oberlin. After weeks of doing so many things all the time, the prospect of having nothing to do was anxiety inducing.

Too much time to spend in my head. Too much time to spend not doing things and then regretting it. Too much time to spend doing things and then regretting it. It all just seemed like too much, and I was not looking forward to it.

After unpacking my bags, I sat outside in South Bowl with no plans but to lay in the sun and enjoy the beautiful fall day. I found a peace my college lifestyle rarely affords me and was pleasantly surprised to find comfort in the nothingness. Doing nothing in a place where you’re supposed to be doing everything all the time is liberating.

You get to appreciate Oberlin for the beautiful place it is instead of being distracted by the giant stress machine college sometimes seems to be.

I woke up the next morning and there was this warm calm, and Oberlin was lit up like this great American painting in golden light. I had nothing to do and nothing to feel guilty about not doing. And it’s not as lonely as it sounds. Obies pop up everywhere, as Obies do. We are scattered in the Oberlin Kitchen and The Feve; we’re cooking in our dorm kitchens for once or peeking into co-op fridges. I swear, I met some people I didn’t even know lived on my hall. The gym is empty (if you’re into that kind of thing). Lounge TV’s all for your taking and there are no crowds or long lines or fears of running into someone you don’t really want to see.

Comparing it to the last week before break when everyone was getting no sleep and our days were just caffeine fueled interactions with cranky friends and strangers, every interaction seemed like the nicest midwestern encounter you’ve ever had. Oberlin without the school part just a sweet little midwestern town.

We’re here. We’re relaxed. We’re together. We’re doing nothing and it’s awesome.

Contact columnist Eliana Carter at ecarter@oberlin.edu.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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President Ambar Unveils New Strategic Planning Priorities: Passing Krislov Instagram Follower Count Is #1

BY THE FOOL BAD HABITS WRITER COX ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - Revealing an extensive list of new strategic planning priorities for the school on Monday, October 30, 2017, Oberlin College President Carmen Twillie Ambar classified besting former president Marvin Krislov’s follower count on Instagram as most important.

The President’s office, eager to address student concerns over issues such as the growing college deficit and hiring of ODS staff, is describing the prioritization of Instagram as “absolutely necessary”.

“Our new president sees a broad field of changes and course corrections for Oberlin as an institution of higher learning,” Interim Vice President of General Counsel & Secretary Donica Varner said. “However, it is also important that President Ambar quickly consolidates power first. Accumulating a sizable follower count is an essential step in that direction.”

Ambar, who does not yet have an Instagram account, faces serious hurdles in her mission to pass 1,242, the number of users following the now-President of Pace University. Although she was warmly received by the student body, it is unknown still if Ambar can exceed the charm of a 57-year-old, bald, Jewish man.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 23.

TRENDING STORIES The Grape Sleeps With Your Ex: A Review President Ambar Preparing Bunker Underneath Tappan Square in Preparation for First Student Protest

“Good Snacks, Tunes, and Convo” You Can Bring to a Ride Home With a Stranger That Will Live Up to the Promise in Your Facebook Post

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THE GRAPE

Breaking Local News:

Official King Of Discourse Crowned

BY ISABELLE KENET BAD HABITS WRITER KING BUILDING—This past Monday, freshman Gregory Gordener was crowned the official “King of Discourse” after asking a professor if “psychical” was indeed a “real word” during a Philosophy of Ethics lecture.

The 50-minute lecture, taught by Professor Eliana Smith (an Oxford graduate and former Chair of the philosophy department at Yale University, as well as the Head of Medical Ethics at the Princeton University Graduate School of Medicine) covered the psychical implications of ontological inquiry in the work of Fredrich Neitzsche.

“Professor Smith introduced the lecture, and Greg’s hand shot up as soon as he heard the p-word,” a source in the class told us. According to this same source, Professor Smith then paused to address Greg’s seemingly urgent comment. “The whole room suddenly had a greater sense of importance, gravitas. I think in that moment we all knew he had cracked the code. The code being the notion that our professors generally have a solid sense of the material they teach.”

“I was flabbergasted, I had had a sense when I met Greg that I was in the presence of discourse royalty, and it turns out that, for once in my life, I was right about something,” Smith said. “I just said, you know what, you got me, Greg. I completely made up that word right out of my stupid idiot brain. And of course confetti exploded from the ceiling.

We were all very, very excited.”

According to Smith, four elves that Oberlin hired in 1893 for this particular moment emerged from beneath the carpet, carrying an enormous copy of Neitzsche’s classic text On The Genealogy of Morality. In accordance with the original choreography the college prescribed when they hired them, the elves lowered it to the floor, allowing Gordener to

CONTINUED ON PAGE 23.

Parents Think You Totally “Rolled” That Stop Sign

Every Day, Student Passes Window to Room Where He Lost His Virginity 2 Years Ago Naturally Gorgeous Girl Has No Shame About Posting Low-Angle Selfie Up Nose, For Sure Tide and Comfort Soft Want Him Put Away! Genius Student Hacks Laundry System By Buying Bulk Underwear at Costco

“We’ll have to wait and see,” Associate Professor of Politics Michael Parkin said. “On one hand, Ambar will pick up many followers out the gate. On the other hand, passing the 1,242 threshold will prove to be real challenge.”

climb aboard its gilded cover and carried him out of the room followed by Smith and all of the other students in the class, who at that point were laughing, shouting and prancing with glee.

While the 15th President’s social media goal retains popular support amongst students and faculty, many are divided on how Ambar should reach the number. “Quality over quantity,” says college junior and Krislov follower Ramsha Babar, “but that man is a machine. His post count is past a thousand, and he never stops.”

“I was teaching in one of the adjacent rooms, and as soon as I heard that confetti pop, I knew someone had finally been crowned the King of Discourse,” said an professor of English who has been at the college for over 25 years. “I couldn’t have been more elated.

We really have a great batch of freshmen this year.”

It is also unknown how Ambar will outmatch Krislov’s awkward old-man charm.

The 14th President was perhaps best known for his oddly angled, goofy smile-selfie combination. Without a strong selfie game, the new President may quickly run out of quality Instagram content, worrying supporters of her new agenda. “Realistically, it’s going to take a while,” senior Galey Caverly said. “Yet with the right combination of student selfies, community pics, and Ambar family photos mixed in, the new President can pull it off.”

Soon the chant “All hail the King of Discourse!” resounded throughout the halls, and everyone on the campus rushed towards Wilder Bowl for the coronation.

Gordener was presented with the original crown of the 17th Earl of Devon, which was flown in as a gift from the British Historical Society. “No really,” a representative of the Society said. “Just fucking keep it.” A custom fox fur robe embroidered with the words “Being and Nothingness” was placed about Gordener’s shoulders by the chair of the Oberlin philosophy department. He was also granted the unique opportunity to take a shit directly into the cupped palm of Kazuo Ishiguro, the 2017 winner of the Nobel Prize in literature. “I kinda always knew this would happen to me,” Gordener said. “The only question was when.”

Life Safety Inspection Secrets: Look Closer At That Golden Ticket, Charlie What They Look For In Room Checks But Will Never Tell You About

BY LIAM RUSSO BAD HABITS WRITER So they finally inspected your room.

You panicked for a few seconds searching for your roommate on the Snapchat map while you were locked out, but eventually you got back in there. The yellow sheet has been strewn elegantly across your faux wood desk. And….you passed!

You can wave that golden ticket in the air with gramps, Charlie, because your gin in the closet is s a f e. But here’s the thing. The room checkers have a separate sheet of their own that they bring around each semester. And let me tell you, there are a lot more restrictions than you might realize. Violations on this list just might be the reason you can’t get off the Tank co-op waitlist or never made it into Indigenous Environmentalism.

American Eagle rewards card holders: you might wanna sit down for this…

Secret Obie Violation Checklist Clothing: -Bean Boots (Tough blow for the New Englanders, but there’s extra storage for these Burton Basement) -Lilly Pulitzer patterns (These are like,

actually harmful to people’s eyes) -Oversized knit beanie -Chubbies (these will be confiscated) -Factory-made Icelandic sweater -LandsEnd quarter zips that you’re still trying to make fit from the 8th grade -“Namastay in bed” T-shirts (These need to namastay in the closet) -Typewriter letter necklace (Letters A-T are unacceptable, but U-Z are fine) -Ravenclaw House trackwear and scarves Cargo pants (I don’t think these are allowed anywhere, honestly. United Airlines is the one exception) -Animal House “College” shirt -Liberty University felt banner -Ambiguous “Varsity” sweatpants with no team label Food -Leftover Fall Break Lasagna -Bruschetta (Unless given out at an event in Peters) -Toasted Coconut and/or Tapioca Starch -Smashmellows from Decafe (This one is pretty self-reflexive. Reevaluate what you really needed these for) -Dunkaroos Value Pack (This one gets

-really strict. Put them in the bottom drawer) -Yoohoo Choc milk (They’re on the fence about these. Ask around) -Sugar in the Raw sugar packets -Beef Jerky -Candy Canes (Before the winter solstice) -Chef Boyardee (Potential fire hazard.

Watch commercial where it rolls off the shelf and into town) Extras - Vera Bradley lunchbox (Cover with a brown bag) - Kelly Clarkson Fathead - UglyDoll - Bed Bath and Beyond poorly recreated Van Gogh Starry Night (The art hoes are already pissed about this tbqh) - Tiny skateboards - PB teen surfer Decals - Pilled Dr. Pepper Kush pillow - Flossers (I know, I know. Brutal.)

- Jukebox iHome - Full vape kit - Hot Chelle Rae poster - Hamilton Vinyl - Some shitty Milk and Honey poem,

either in a notebook or on the wall (Word of advice on this from the author: We begin with honesty, let us end in it too -Rupi Kaur) -Hayao Miyasaki DVD Platinum set or No-Face pez set (They play one of these at the Apollo like every week. You’ll be fine.)

-Southern Living Magazine -Peonies -Polaroids on a cotton string or paper clips (industrial rope is acceptable) -Urban Outfitters bird feet side table (I know this one is niche, but it actually gets a lot of people) -XBox Live headphone set with drool stains -More than 3 Trader Joe’s pumpkin items (unless it’s the Pumpkin Joe Joe’s, those are all set) -Prescribed acne wash instead of fun Neutrogena Grapefruit (this is a harsh one. But yes, they’re even looking at skin care, people) Oberlin offer of admission revoked: ROLLER BACKPACKS

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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New Gap Outlet

to Bridge North and South Campus

BY SAM SCHUMAN BAD HABITS WRITER WILDER BOWL— In a controversial move, President Ambar announced yesterday that she has given permission to The Gap to open a new outlet in Mudd Library. Citing a need to bridge the divide between North and South campus as the main motivation for the agreement, Ambar expressed hope that the presence of a new bougie clothing store in the centermost part of campus would bring students from all over Oberlin closer together.

“I’ve been thinking about ways to create a tighter-knit campus, and it suddenly hit me: The Gap has everything Obies love, from overpriced pre-distressed jeans to really ugly hats,” Ambar said. “If we open a Gap on campus, we might finally be able to bridge the ga— um, divide— between North and South Campus.”

As part of the agreement, The Gap will be required to sell Oberlin-specific items. In addition to the obligatory

COMIC BY TOM MORRISON

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albino squirrel graphic tees, it will also stock “lmao sports” sweaters and “let’s unpack this” socks. The Oberlin Gap outlet will additionally pioneer a new line of overalls aimed at college students.

These experimental garments come in two colors: “Faux-Ironic Depression Denim” and “I’m Gonna Have To Push Back On That Black,” and every pair is guaranteed to smell like weed, right off the hanger.

Initial student reactions to the news seem positive. College sophomore Catherine Joseph expressed excitement, saying “this is pretty convenient for me, since I borrowed my mom’s Gap card to go shopping over break and forgot to give it back.”

Campus organizations are also enthusiastic about the development. The Oberlin Finance and Investment Club expressed an eagerness to host meetings in the comfort of The Gap’s “low budget, J. Crew” aesthetic, while the Oberlin College Republicans and Libertarians organization released a statement calling

the new store a “victory of the free market.”

Some, however, e x p r e s s e d apprehension. “I feel like it’s a bit too on the nose,” said one sophomore conservatory student, adding “Sounds like a shitty Grape headline to me.”

Other students have speculated that the move is just another in a series of attempts the College has made to attract a preppier—and wealthier— student body. Additionally, some student senators expressed displeasure about being left out of the decision making process, saying they would have much rather seen a Banana Republic instead.

Even members of the administration have their doubts about the plan’s effectiveness. “I’d assume that North Campus athletes will continue to wear sweatpants everywhere they go, and South Campus co-op members will stick to their clothing made out of beans,” said a source in the Office of the Dean of Students, who requested to remain anonymous.

Nevertheless, the store is scheduled to open at the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year. Sources from inside the Gap said the store was originally planned to open during the Spring 2018 semester, but was pushed back after the proposed site in Mudd was found to be infested by well-read, but vicious rats. When invited by the College to negotiate on the site, a spokesperson for the rats responded by mailing the administration a chewed up copy of Das Kapital along with instructions on how to make a molotov cocktail. The College has not officially commented on how it exterminated the rats, but eyewitness reports describe seeing President Ambar entering the basement of Mudd outfitted in full riot gear.

The new store has also precipitated a revision to the campus meal plan: citing a “lack of fashion accessibility on campus,” the College also announced that next year’s room and board plans will do away with Obie Dollars and instead include a mandatory $400 in Gap Cash.

Contact Bad Habits writer Sam Schuman at schuman@oberlin.edu.

stuff, and things you’ve been neglecting.

Do that NOW, and the rest of the year should be okay. The 13th will prob be a crappy day, but it’s cool ‘cause the 17th will prob be super fun.

Cancer: Lately, you might a bit more social than usual. And more creative.

With a touch of boldness. Soft, gentle, Cancer-like boldness, that is. Which is why it’s a great time to socialize with social causes in mind. Just look around, you’ll find something to bring your heart to. Ya might just make some new friends, AND lovers.

Leo: Making moves, Leo. Impressive.

The 9th is a powerful day; there will be tension, so don’t screw it up, ‘cause there’s a lot of potential on and around then. Being a good leader requires flexibility and understanding, and you can do this. Think about your own path of learning, and remember that not everyone is where you’re at.

Virgo: You never want to admit your own progress. You’re too humble for that, and in your mind there’s still so far to go. STOP IT, applaud yourself for getting to where you are today. Feel good and go hang with neighbors and take some local trips. Easy stuff that doesn’t cost much, ‘cause honestly, finances are tough right now.

Horoscopes

For the Weeks of Nov. 3-17, 2017

BY LAUREL KIRTZ LOCAL ASTROLOGIST Aries: To get what you want right now, use magical charm, not super powers. Sorry, it might require patience. Try the Love Bomb! Approach all relating challenges with HOPE, supportive confidence, backpatting, and a nice smile. 11th: Think innovativeness. 13th: Maybe stay home and watch the boob-tube.

Taurus: Since the Oct 19th new moon, it’s been harvest time for dollars and appreciation — but it doesn’t come all at once, of course. Harvesting takes time, for it is plentiful. And since things are going well, it’s also time to be generous if you want to keep the abundance flowing. Stay in touch with your soul, that’ll make it easier to be giving.

Gemini: Things start getting a little foggy on the 14th, so hone in the details now.

DETAILS. Even like nitty gritty boring

Libra: Read Aries’s horoscope, for it loosely applies. Outside of that, you’re kinda just focusing on the basics of progress. Like work, opportunities, advancement, learning, and such. Around the 17th should be particularly positive.

Overall, not too much fun, but progress is fun in that it creates a foundation for fun.

Scorpio: Ooo la la! Look at you. Maybe you don’t want to feel good about all that’s happening, and maybe you want to obsess over what isn’t, BUT TOUGH. Prepare for success. Which means stop getting weird about things. Take a chance, cause fresh starts abound.

Sagittarius: Keep an open mind, as there’s a lot of dynamic stuff going on.

Nowadays is kinda like when visiting a foreign country. You don’t know much, but staying aware and flexible lets you enjoy it despite being in a realm of mystery, where you can’t quite relax. Try to get any important stuff done before the 14th, cause it’ll only get harder as the year moves on.

Capricorn: The 11th is a special day. The 9th is good, too. Major moves forward get sparked into motion. In the last issue I said that your social connections are picking up, and this is still the case. Your personality is synthesizing. And this empowers you and connects you to others.

So trust it, and make sure not to get carried away with any power or grumpiness.

Aquarius: Similar to Capricorn, a new future awaits you. And it’s gonna be crucial to work on supportive partnerships while things manifest. Supportive is the key word. ‘Cause if that’s lacking, screw em. You don’t need that. You get to focus on your future. And if they miss your awesomeness boat, they’ll feel dumb in the end. On and around the 11th — dynamic times.

Pisces: Your ruler is retrograde ‘til January, and has been since July, and thus, some things have been going slow and it’s kinda two steps forward, one step back. But it’s getting more pleasant lately, so enjoy what you can. And the 16th should be a great day. So no holing up at home around then! Got it?

Astrologer, creative life-coach, and user of popular oracle tools such as tarot cards and the i-ching. You may have seen the Loracle around town dressed as Lucy from Charlie Brown providing advice for a mere 5 cents. She is now at The Grape, translating the whispers of angels into t e co or o r ene t Email questions for which you seek advice to The Grape at thegrape@oberlin.edu with subject line “LORACLE.”

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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Potty Mouths: Off Campus Special

Or, My Favorite Bathrooms to Masturbate In

BY PLUSHTOY666 BAD HABITS WRITER All characters, events and places in this iece are entire ctiona an an perceived resemblances to real individuals or corporations are coincidental.

Last week on Potty Mouths, we went back to the basics, exploring the most venerable and beloved Thrones of Mudd. This week, we’ll take a stroll downtown, and check out some of poop’s most popular off-campus destinations.

truths about the bowels (so to speak) of our collective consciousness. I am merely the translator. But, no one else is translating.

Therefore, as far as Poop is concerned, I am God. Anyway, here are four bathrooms I like to masturbate in.

The Local Being entirely underground provides a certain coziness, reminiscent of a Hobbit-

“THEREFORE AS FAR AS POOP IS CONCERNED, I AM GOD.” Shitting and writing aren’t really as different as you might think. In both cases, signs are inscribed onto a surface.

There was a time when many could read the signs in shit. Trackers of animals and men would discern clues such as the diet, proximity and health of their target from its poop. Today, most of us don’t have time to read much, least of all in the murky depths of toilet bowls. I read the poop of Oberlin so that you don’t have to — or more broadly, I read the cultural practice of pooping — or more specifically, I read its specific manifestation at Oberlin — and I tell you about it here, so that you don’t have to waste your time.

Minor literature is necessarily political, and some would argue it comes to represent a collective experience. Surely there is no literature more minor than literal shit at the bottom of a toilet. We speak with our mouths, but we shit with our assholes. What is it that is coming out the other end that we don’t want to say with words? Perhaps a few excessively verbose shits can perform an enunciation so profound that it becomes read as collective, and we may learn from such a discolored and foul expression dark

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THE GRAPE

hole or perhaps a childhood basement.

The bathrooms, located at the end of the back tunnel and completely windowless, remind me more of a locked cell, or perhaps a dungeon. I sit on the toilet until the lights go out and the fan turns off so that the stench of my shit completely fills the dark room. I imagine the rest—the stale hay under my feet, the moldy breadcrust between my teeth, a soiled loincloth around my ankles while a studded-leatherclad dungeon-master pummels me into submission.

Slow Train If The Local’s bathrooms are of Tolkien, then Slow Train’s are of Lucas, or perhaps Dick. Open ceilings expose mysterious boxes, wires, and various metallic structures, from which I imagine a cyborg Harrison Ford falling, forcing me to take the Turing test at gunpoint.

Sometimes it’s Daisy Ridley, lightsaber in hand, ready to use The Force on me— once I even had Darth Maul. His Zabrak horns quivered while we made love. If you hear a “pew-pew” sound coming from the locked Slow Train bathroom, it’s probably a nine-year-old playing Star Wars, or me, masturbating.

The Feve The upstairs bathrooms at the Feve are charged with sexual memory. For me, those memories are of Bianca and Steve, two dear friends of mine who’ve fucked in there a lot. When I get rejected at Long Island Night and sit down to rub one out, I imagine Bianca and Steve fucking madly next to me while strangers bang on the door. When real strangers start knocking and ask me what’s taking so long, I feel as though I’m right there with them.

Then I bust a nut.

Subway Here is where the really bizarre corners of the collective psyche are let loose. Four bites into my footlong meatball marinara, I step into the bathroom, really just to take a piss, when I’m overcome by the vision of a giant meatball-man before me. He is round, and Irish, and has pepperoni for arms. He cannot touch me but he controls me psychically, threatening to cover my white shirt in red sauce if I don’t start masturbating immediately. I comply, begrudgingly aroused, until the room smells of melted provolone. Needless to say, I now eat at Subway every week.

Plushtoy666 is a blogger, poet, and freelance journalist. They can be contacted at at plushtoy666@gmail.com.

6 High School Fuckboys

I Ran Into In The Waiting Room of the Cosmetic Dentist Over Fall Break

BY SHOWER THOT BAD HABITS WRITER There I was, just a responsible young woman trying to get my chipped tooth e co rtes o a eca e s e t crac er w en it seeme t at e er ins ffera e white boy from high school was doing the same. It was both a walk down memory lane and a reminder of white ma e e ce ence to sa t e east ere are some of the boys I observed: Josh R. Always a sucker for an NJB, I made the mistake of asking “how are you?” and had the two-state solution mansplained to me for twenty minutes straight. I’m sure he’s crushing it at Tulane Hillel.

David His Soundcloud career carried him all the way to NYU, so you know he thinks he’s hot shit. He tried smoking one of his hand-rolled cigarettes in the waiting room and was outraged when “that bitch receptionist” shut him down.

His Instagram is solely washed-out flash photos taken in the city streets at night, and he tries to come off as grimy but pays his $72,000 annual tuition with his parents’ tax deductions from philanthropy.

Davis I expected he’d get over thinking that having a car made him cool, but there is definitely still something narrrsty going on between him and his Jeep Wrangler.

Their relationship is more emotionally intense than anything he’s ever experienced with another human being.

David He was always impeccably polite to my mother, who doesn’t believe that he’s really a slime ball that claims he likes his

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 26. women “au naturale,” with a creepy glint in his eye. He would never talk to me or any of my friends unless he wanted to hook up with one of us.

Matt An acclaimed “Bernie Bro”, Matt always got mad pussy by putting “feminist” in his Tinder bio and talking about how much he loves consensual sex. He was just on his way back from picking up chicks outside of the local Planned Parenthood when he ran into me.

Bridge He has both the body and ego of a Greek god, and he McFreaking knows it. He values his protein intake over everything else and possesses the emotional skills of a toddler, lashing out if he doesn’t get his way. He plays this off as part of his “sensitive lacrosse player” persona, and it works to his advantage EVERY effing time.

Eight Obie-Friendly Porn Videos A list of porn as unique as you

BY ZOE JASPER BAD HABITS WRITER 8. Erotic Art Performance- Xhamster A sensual contemporary dance turned acrobatic handjob. This video will appeal to viewers with artistic sensibilities.

7. Birkenstock Sandals in Foot Fetish Modeling- Pornhub This video is a dream cum true for Obies with a thing for feet! Watch the birk clad women slink across the room for your viewing pleasure. I want to stress that the foot fetish is ESSENTIAL because she nevers actually removes any clothing.

6. Eco Desires- Vimeo In a short 52 seconds, a woman writhes on a tarp while smearing dirt and leaves all over her naked body. Use this video to live out the fantasies of fucking in Tappan that you’re too scared to act on.

5. Giantess the Witch’s Purse- Pornhub Finally, a video that caters to the spooky gay witches we know and love. In this thrilling tale of revenge, a witch finds out her wife is cheating. As punishment, she shrinks both her wife and the other woman and eventually puts them in her vagina. Get ready for unmatched sex, acting, and special effects.

4. Janet reading from “Friendship and Character” by Ralph Waldo Emerson -Hysterical Literature Hysterical Literature features videos of women trying to get through famous books while a vibrator pleasures them from below. Now you can expand your condescending elitism beyond just literature and into the world of porn.

3. 15 Carrots Stuffed in Her Cavernous Cunt- X Videos The title pretty much sums it up. Watch while you prepare a coop meal, and try it yourself!

2. Dick and Morty- Wood Rocket If you watch this you’re the fucking worst. Get your nut on with “Dickle Rick”.

1. Bee Porn- Youtube Just two bees in the wild going at it hard. Save the bees, and support their decision to break into the porn industry. Be sure to watch till the end to witness the male bee’s sad, seizure like orgasm.

O-BOO-ERLIN What’s Haunting Long Island Night?

BY OLIVIA GOFFMAN and GALEY CAVERLY RESIDENT GHOST EXPERTS Last weekend was Halloweekend. The Wednesday before that was Long Island Night at the Feve. We don’t know about YOU guys, but for Ghouley and Boolivia (we’re working on our ghost journalist brand, these are our new ghost names, please use them exclusively) nothing is spookier than Oberlin night-life. As experts on both Long Island Night and ghosts, we assumed there were probably all sorts of spirits lurking at the Feve on Wednesday, so we decided to mix a little work and play.

First, we tried to go our usual route, which, as you all know, means cracking out the good ‘ole Ouija board. Unfortunately, Ghouley’s hands got cold carrying it to the Feve, so she hid it in a bush. Thankfully, paranormal ghosts are far from the most common ghosts at a bar full of drunk Yeomen! Equally sinister spirits were out that night – emotional ghosts! If you’ve ever been on Oberlin’s campus, you’ve probably experienced the phenomenon of emotional ghosts. It could be the guy you hooked up with for a month before he stopped responding to your texts or it could be the freshman year roommate who you sexiled just one too many times.

Whoever your emotional ghosts are, they’re sure to be out in full force on Long Island Night.

We decided to get back to our journalistic roots and conduct some hardhitting interviews on the ground. The data we collected will blow your mind. Now, we’re not gonna tell you how big our

sample size was, but we are gonna tell you that 62.5 percent of the students we interviewed at Long Island Night said they felt they were in the presence of an emotional ghost, and 80 percent of those students felt actively haunted by them in that very moment. These are some wild statistics! Senior Olly Smith (famous for his work at the library), when asked about emotional ghosts that night, said he “would say it’s tied deeply to Long Island Night.” And our data backs this up, as 66.7 percent of people said they thought there were more emotional ghosts at the Long Island Night than at Splitchers.

One interviewee, though, senior Allie Cole (not an athlete despite popular conception), said that she believed there were too many ghosts at both places to even decide! Although the consensus was definitely that Oberlin Nightlife, especially Long Island Night spooky, there were some people who felt more relaxed about their emotional quotes. Senior Jack Reynolds (tall) said he doesn’t think he has any emotional ghosts in general and, in his words, he tries “to bury [his] beef so [he doesn’t] feel weird about it.”

Senior Naomi Langer (medium-sized) was quoted saying, “I salt myself regularly so I don’t have any ghosts.”

In conclusion, Long Island Night is haunted, maybe in more than one way.

Don’t forget that just because you’re being haunted doesn’t mean you’re not a ghost.

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DeCafé Before Makeover

BY JUAN-MANUEL PINZON BAD HABITS WRITER

DeCafé After Makeover

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SEX AND THE OC

BY ISABEL KLEIN and SADIE KELLER BAD HABITS EDITOR and GUEST CONTRIBUTOR A column that dissects questions about hook up culture for each issue.

Email the writer with your questions or stories or what the fuck, dude? moments and we’ll talk about it together, very publicly.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 29.

Isabel Klein is a Carrie/ Miranda fusion with an occasional Charlotte outburst.

She is simply not a Samantha. Email her at iklein@oberlin.edu Sadie Keller got roped into this and likes Slim Jims and needs to work on her bio.

Email her at skeller@oberlin.edu

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4 Times Being In The Cleveland Hopkins International Airport Feels Like Being In “Rock Bottom” When the Cleveland Hopkins International airport wasn’t notified that the gender binary is fake and you have no idea which bathroom will make you feel safe.

When the TSA guy pulls your vibrator out of your carry on bag and tests it for bomb powder.

When the mini Oberlin shuttle comes instead of the big bus and you just have to make do.

When you’re waiting for your flight to board and you see the pilot walk on early carrying a huge soda and a burrito from the newly opened Burrito Without Borders while he gives you a wink and you wonder if he even has a flying license.

NOVEMBER 13, 2017

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