April 1, 2022 by The Oberlin Review

The Oberlin Review April 1, 2022

Established 1874

Volume 151, Number 17

Letter From The

Editors

To Our Readers, Hahahaha, got ya! Did you think this was The Grape? APRIL FOOLS. It’s The Oberlin Review, dumbass! April Fools’ Day only lands on a Review publication day once every seven years, so we thought, we have to celebrate. We were wondering: What would The Grape look like if it was written by narcs, had a nice font, and contained fewer typos? The Grape has been ragging on the Review for years, and we’ve stood idly by, in the name of “professionalism.” So, in commemoration of the holiday, we decided to finally engage in that weird, petty rivalry our campus’ “alternative” paper loves to advertise. The Review has this image of being a stuck up, by the book, normcore kind of newspaper. And you know, there is something about being in a basement until 2 a.m. typing out news articles that makes you a little uptight and a little kooky. However, we’re pushing ourselves this week, proving that we can, in fact, have fun. Many of the articles in this issue contain fallacies and hijinks you would never find in our typical newspaper. And believe it or not, there are at least two ar-

ticles in this issue that aren’t even funny… oops. We just can’t do it like those guys at The Grape. Listen, at the end of the day, we’re both campus publications working hard to create content for this community that we care so much about. And we love The Grape! You guys are funny and relaxed, and you publish things we would never publish in a million years. We love reading articles every few weeks on topics that we covered last month. Maybe this campus is big enough for two newspapers… or one newspaper and one glorified magazine on newsprint. We hope you get a kick out of this. You know what they say, imitation is the highest form of flattery. We tried our very hardest to emulate that newspaper you publish “biweekly.” We know you’ll want to respond — call us weird and unfunny. But before you post that Instagram story, maybe we should just settle this like men. You can meet us in the Burton Hall laundry room for an all-hands arm wrestle to settle this once and for all. In the meantime, we hope both the Grape and campus community can enjoy our little project! Xoxoxo <3

A.C.V. As drawn by Kushagra Kar

Kashugra Karl As drawn by Gigi Ewing

Mommy Editor As drawn by Anisa Curry Vietze

Editors-in-Chief

Managing Editor

Anisa Curry Vietze Kushagra Kar

Gigi Ewing

Conservatory Editor Walter Thomas-Patterson

Arts & Culture Editors

This Week Editor

Kathleen Kelleher Lilyanna D’Amato

Wiley Smith

Cont. News Editor

Opinions Editor

Ada Ates

Production Staff

Lauren Krainess

Emma Benardete

Senior Staff Writers Adrienne Sato Nikki Keating Sierra Colbert

Claire Brinley Sumner Wallace Yuhki Ueda Isaac Imas Lia Fawley Kayla Kim Trevor Smith Ella Bernstein

News Editors Ella Moxley Kush Bulmer

Photo Editors

Web Editor

Khadijah Halliday Abe Frato

Sports Editor

Illustrators

Cont. Sports Editors

Distributors

Clair Wang Holly Yelton

Zoë Martin del Campo John Elrod

Thomas Xu Nondini Nagarwalla

Zoe Kuzbari

Front Cover Art

Back Cover Art

Anisa Curry Vietze

Dina Nouaime

Production Manager

Layout Editors

Katie Kunka

Grace Gao Adrienne Hoover Erin Koo Molly Chapin Light of Our Life Jan Cooper Unpaid Consultant David Hertz

Nothing To Report: Campus Receives No Complaints Elle Giannandrea For the first time in its 148 years of existence, The Oberlin Review is pleased to report that absolutely nothing has gone wrong this week. In an astounding turn of events, no one was made to feel upset, uncomfortable, or out of place in any way, shape, or form. The last time an event of this magnitude took place was in the week of Feb. 30, 1892. The Review headline that week read, “Everyone Pleased.” The piece was followed by four consecutive pieces of blank newsprint and a brief review of a regional production of Lady Windermere’s Fan. This Friday, just under 13 decades later, Oberlin is proud to announce much the same. We reached out to sources all across campus and came up completely dry. “It’s a miracle,” Administrator A said in a statement released on behalf of the College. “And it shows real progress. My only hope is that students will be able to extend this sort of positivity past spring break.” The statement concerning the week following spring break comes in the aftermath of an ObieSafe email announcing that masks will be optional beginning April 21, provided that COVID-19 cases remain low. This has

led many to hope that this record-breaking good week will be further extended by excitement about the change in COVID-19 policy. However, not all are convinced. “No good thing lasts forever,” posited Conservatory eighth-year Eunice Burns. “Of course, I’m as amazed as everyone else at how easygoing the College has been these past couple of days, but I’m just not prepared to imagine that this will last any longer than whenever it is you’re going to publish this.” When we asked Burns to clarify why she doesn’t know when the Review is published, we were stung by her answer. “I don’t know, I guess I just prefer The Grape,” she said. “It’s got drawings.” We do regret to report that one student, who wishes to remain unnamed, says that he had a “rough call” with his mother on Tuesday. When we reached out to the Division of Student Life to comment, we were told via email that calls home “aren’t [their] department.” The general happiness of the College was rudely interrupted by the Gibson’s appeal verdict yesterday. Catch the Review’s actual coverage of the decision on our website.

Insecurity Report Thursday, March 24, 2022

12:35 p.m. A fire drill forced you to evacuate Burton Hall in the middle of a shower. You stood wrapped in a towel with your hair full of shampoo and legs covered in shaving cream for 20 minutes before you were cleared to return to the building.

Friday, March 25, 2022

9:02 a.m. You wake up today and think you have a bald spot. Not that you can see it, but maybe you’re balding at 21. It’s definitely possible that you can’t see it from that angle in the mirror. Maybe everyone else knows except for you. 3:28 p.m. The track team reported witnessing you walking into the weight room at Shanks Health and Wellness Center only to immediately turn around and run faster than anyone on the team after you saw how many athletes were in the room. 10:00 p.m. You arrived at a party at the scheduled time. 11:21 p.m. You were forced to sing “Happy Birthday” at a Conservatory party alongside several voice majors. I mean, what were you supposed to do? It would have been weirder if you stood there silently.

Saturday, March 26, 2022

11:34 a.m. You’re walking home from an, ermmmm, sleepover and run into your Politics 281 professor and his beautiful newborn baby on a stroll. It’s too late to cross the street and pretend you didn’t see him. You hope he doesn’t notice your day-old eyeliner and the mystery stain on your jeans as you awkwardly wave. 2:34 p.m. Campus Safety officers reported that they saw you in your thrifted vintage Carhartt jacket and it was so big on you that it just looked silly. You’re really trying to fit into the Oberlin aesthetic, aren’t you? Really leaning in, huh? Do you really think you’re fooling anyone? In your attempt to copy all the New Yorkers you just look like a caricature. Everyone knows you’re from Minnesota.

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

10:06 a.m. While meeting with a class over Zoom, you thought you had turned your camera off when you went to go to the bathroom. The camera was, in fact, on. 11:58 a.m. Do you smell that? Someone in this room definitely farted. It wasn’t you, but what if everyone thinks it was? What if what if what if what if what if? 1:04 p.m. It’s your first time head cooking in Harkness House and you’re unsure of how many trays of tofu to make for the co-op. After the meal, you received an angry mass email from the co-op. Photo by Ella Moxley, News Editor

The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

OFF THE CUFF

An Interview with The Amorphous, Monolithic Administration

Gigi Ewing Mommy Editor In the past few years, the College has adapted much of its infrastructure and financial structure, initially as part of the One Oberlin plans to ensure the institution’s longterm viability, and then in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of the ensuing decisions, including outsourcing dining to AVI Foodsystems, not meeting faculty requests for fair compensation, and [insert criticism here] have resulted in backlash from the student body. We sat down with a roundtable of College Senior Staff members to gain some insight into the institutional perspective on these issues of debate. Editors’ note: This is not real this is not real this is not real this is not real. How are you addressing the increasing trend of faculty distress regarding the state of their compensation and benefits? For every faculty member who leaves due to insufficient pay, we will symbolically remove one tree from campus. This project will be called the Sustainable Infrastructure Project and will contribute to the long-term sustainability of the College. How is the College addressing the increased toll of the COVID-19 pandemic on students’ mental health? That’s a great question. After partnering with the JED Mental Health Program in TKTK, we’ve concluded that the best way of dealing with mental health issues on campus is by not measuring the demand for mental health assistance on campus. With that goal in mind, we will be laying off all Counseling Center staff starting last week! In what ways will AVI look to expand food options for students in the 2022–23 academic year? In an exciting new change of plans, the College has revoked its

recent contract with OSCA and will be introducing a number of new dining locations in spaces formerly occupied by co-ops! The former Harkness House Dining Hall will now house Luminosity, Tank Hall will house Purity, Keep Cottage will house Objectivity, and Third World Co-op will house Caucasity. Could you address the rumors that — No, we cannot. Can you tell us what’s happening with the Gibson’s appeal? The College and the Board will be *REDACTED* There have been growing concerns the College is going broke. Are you? Well, the College has an over $1-billion endowment, and our admissions numbers have never been better. So, yes, we are going broke. Excellent. So, what do you suggest current students should do in the event that the College does in fact go broke? Go to Kenyon? The B.A.2 variant of Omicron is now ravaging Europe, roughly 3 weeks ahead of the College’s plan to lift the mask mandate. How would the College respond to a mass outbreak of COVID-19 on campus? Boxes will be provided. How is President Ambar’s bodybuilding career going? Great! This is off the record but President Ambar will actually be taking her leave from the College this May to dedicate her time to a less stressful pursuit — Olympic weightlifting. She came to this decision last month, after successfully deadlifting Yeobie. What is your relationship with the editors of The Oberlin Review? They’re our little bitches. <3

An old comic taped to the Review Office wall.

The REAL Story of the Poopy Pipe Leak House Party “I would call it Poopgate — you know, like Watergate — but there’s already that story from Tank where apparently somebody, like, shit in the oven,” Hill said. “So that’s Poopgate I guess.” When Zarzuela, Hill, and Korzh were all first-years, they witnessed a party where, midway through, the wooden floorboards couldn’t take the pressure and collapsed into a cavern, creating an iconic night that is still talked about nearly four years later. “I would love to have played such an instrumental role in the Toilet Leak Party, that’d be awesome,” Zarzuela said. “’Cause I still, to this day, know exactly who made that floor cave in at that party at 123 South Professor Street. And that’s a legacy that’s followed him these last four years.”

Anisa Curry Vietze Editor-in-Chief Editor’s note: All quotes and the events discussed thereof in this article are real. On Saturday, March 19, a group of College fourth-years hosted a house show in their off-campus house on Groveland Street. The party was originally thrown by College fourth-year Jeanne Hill and her housemates, in part so that Hill’s band, Boxed Whine, could perform a house show. “We had four bands and it was going really well,” Hill said. “I was like, you know what? This is not even about Boxed Whine anymore. It’s about just throwing a good old-fashioned house show so that these younger guys know how to do it.” Hill scheduled Boxed Whine to perform last because, of course, it would be “super awkward” to not go last, as the hosts of the party. “We got up on stage and we were ready,” Hill said. “We had this new song that we were gonna play, that was really fun for all of us. I was the perfect amount of drunk. I had my people in the crowd that I wanted to be there, all the seniors had just pushed their way up to the front to see us. And I was like, this is college. This is really college. And then suddenly, 30 seconds in, [College fourth-year] Nathan Silverstein comes up and is like, ‘Stop, stop, stop!’” Meanwhile, upstairs, College fourthyear Sofia Zarzuela was waiting in line for the bathroom. “I was there at the scene of the crime,” Zarzuela said, “We were waiting outside the bathroom and this girl came out and was like, ‘It’s a mess, don’t go in there!’ And then, I dunno why, but we went in anyway.” Upon entering the bathroom, Zarzuela and her friends encountered a toilet that was spilling its contents out onto the floor. Unbeknownst to Zarzuela, one floor below, chaos was breaking out in the basement. “I looked up and I saw there was this leaking, it was like God was angry and crying angry sewage tears out of the ceiling and onto what could have been an amazing set,” Hill said. “I did not know what to do. You know, it’s like every The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

Illustrated by Anisa Curry Vietze

musician’s worst nightmare for shit to hit the fan. And there we were, and not only was shit hitting the metaphorical fan, but it literally got blown around a whole room and out of the ceiling.” Back upstairs, College fourth-year and co-host of the party Natalie Korzh was blissfully unaware of the night’s sudden downturn. “I was on aux in the kitchen and I was sort of patrolling, ’cause we didn’t want people in the living room, so I was sort of, like, guarding that side of the house,” Korzh said. “So I didn’t realize anything was wrong until Sofia and Liza [MackeenShapiro] ran up to me and said, ‘We plunged your toilet for you ’cause we love you so much!’ I was so confused. They ran to tell me that there was a solution to a problem I didn’t know existed.” Below, Hill was watching the consequences of the clogged toilet play out in real time. “Somebody’s partner had come to visit

from New York, and she was the one that was caught in the crossfire. She was drenched,” Hill reported. “And it did not smell like chocolate, I’ll tell you that. It didn’t smell like cookies or cake or even a heavily scented candle. It smelled, um, kinda quite the opposite.” The real culprit of the night, it turns out, was poor planning. “You know, toilet paper’s expensive,” Korzh admitted. “We just put one roll out and thought, like, ‘They’ll ration it, they’ll see there’s only one roll and the people will be smart about this. They’ll use it, you know, wisely.’ So when I heard that people were using paper towels, I realized that the toilet paper must have run out a while ago and they had gone through our closet where they found paper towels. So, in some part, I feel at fault for this because I failed to provide the toilet paper.” While the night did not turn out how anyone planned, Hill does expect that it will be remembered by all who attended.

Upon entering the bathroom, Zarzuela and her friends encountered a toilet that was spilling its contents out onto the floor. Unbeknownst to Zarzuela, one floor below, chaos was breaking out in the basement. Hill agrees, saying that perhaps things must go awry every so often. Otherwise, isn’t every Oberlin party just the same? “If they don’t remember me or my face or my name that’s okay. I can kind of ease into oblivion, but as long as they remember Leaky Pipes Poopy House Show Extraordinaire, I think that’s important,” Hill said. “You need those defining moments of your college experience, when the first-years who were at the party are seniors and they’re on a walk to Mickey Mart to buy some cigarettes, now that they’re of age, they’ll walk past our house and they’ll go, ‘Hey, do you remember that house? When I got a little bit of shit in my eye? Remember that?’”

Professors’ Compensation Demands Ludicrous, Out of Touch Emily Vaughan In the latest in a string of ridiculous happenings on Oberlin’s campus, our faculty are requesting a pay raise. I find this to be absolutely preposterous for a number of reasons. After all, the pursuit of academia is completely separate from modern-day luxuries such as a roof over one’s head or a car that runs on gasoline. Why would we pay professors more when they could, instead, be paid less? I understand that this may be a startling proposal for many, but in reality, this would likely not have too much of an impact on their day-to-day lives. Has Oberlin’s staff considered that perhaps they could benefit financially from doing away with unnecessary expenses such as gasoline? A car is absolutely unnecessary in Oberlin. Oberlin is one of the most notoriously walkable places in the United States: a small town in the Midwest surrounded by farms and a Walmart only a 40-minute walk away! Why would anyone need a car here? And for those who insist that owning a car is necessary, at least consider ditching gas. The idea that cars need fuel to run is simply an incredibly effective marketing campaign put forth by the gas and oil industries. The only reason we rely on these substances is because of their lobbying in government. In reality, it is merely a conspiracy to keep all of us in their clutches, under the false pretense of “needing to run machines that are essential to life.” In the case of a true emergency in which gas is necessary — though I can’t possibly imagine a situation where this would be the case — those in

need of gas could simply siphon gas out of one of the College’s many trucks. Doing away with the use of gasoline would also greatly contribute to Oberlin’s long-term sustainability goals, as it would result in fewer emissions of greenhouse gasses on and around campus. Additionally, what the fossil fuel empire doesn’t want you to know is that any liquid will operate a car in a pinch. It is simply not necessary to fill a car’s tank with gas, especially with prices these days. A car could run on just about any other liquid at a far lower price. For those who claim that cars are a necessity of living in Oberlin, I suggest filling one’s gas tank with milk, then basking in the savings of avoiding gasoline. Another complaint the faculty have put forward is the change to their recent health insurance plans now resulting in higher copays. The idea that complicated health insurance plans with copays and expenses are necessary is just that — an idea, pushed by corporations through highly effective marketing campaigns and political lobbying. These costly and complicated plans are completely unnecessary. Allow me to introduce a health insurance plan as old as time: apples. Available at local grocery stores (when there aren’t supply chain issues) for less than one dollar apiece, they are a simple and affordable replacement for pricey, complicated, and frankly unnecessary health insurance packages. Tried and true, this is not so much a health insurance plan as it is preventative care, but I digress. There is nothing more effective than eating an apple a day to prevent sickness, injury, and medical personnel. These so-called “necessities” are not as important as we may think. Humans have lived without motorized vehicles and whatever the American health care system is for hundreds of years. Academia must return to its roots in simpler times. Would Plato have insisted on compensation that would allow him to partake in such frivolous luxuries? Giorgio Vasari certainly wouldn’t have demanded better pens and paper to record his life just as Leonardo DaVinci did not request better cadavers than the bodies he dug up from local graveyards at night. The pursuit of academia has always been knowledge, not luxuries. It is time that Oberlin faculty open their eyes to this reality and act accordingly: after all, the College’s motto is “Learning and Labor,” so professors should start putting in the labor.

Illustrated by Holly Yelton, Staff Cartoonist

SUBMISSIONS POLICY

Opinions expressed in letters, complaints, NSFW diary entries, unrequited love letters, and blood oaths do not necessarily reflect those of The Oberlin Review staff. Any content published by The Oberlin Review forever becomes the property of The Oberlin Review, its editors and editors emeriti, and our former Opinions editor’s former cat, Baz, who now belongs to the Review’s current Managing Editor and who has some big plans for the content we receive. Content creators may retain a license to their content at a cost of $44 million or six meal swipes per year, but the Review reserves the right to republish or alter any content as well as take it out of context, claim it as our own, turn it into an NFT, or use print sales as a front for money-laundering. The Oberlin Review appreciates and welcomes letters to the editors and op-ed submissions. All submissions must include contact information with full names, any relevant titles, zodiac star sign, GPA, and the name of every crush you’ve had since middle school for all signatories; we do not publish pieces anonymously unless it’s more convenient than the alternative. The Review reserves the right to edit all submissions for clarity, length, grammar, to fundamentally change your argument, or generally make you look worse than you already did by writing whatever unhinged nonsense you decided to submit in the first place.

Dear Obies: Please Stop Stalking Me Frederick Local Squirrel Editor’s note: Unfortunately, due to a lack of squirrel-sized laptops, the white squirrel could not write a piece on their own. Thankfully, our extremely talented and brilliant Opinions editor, Emma Benardete, stepped in to help. My many times great-grandparents first moved to Oberlin in 1970 after their old home, a nice red oak in a human family’s backyard, was demolished so the humans could build a new garage. The premiere real estate agent in Lorain County at the time, a very kind but ancient chipmunk, convinced them that a college campus would be a nice place to live. Students would feed them, the College would be less likely to demolish a tree spontaneously than were other property owners, and college-aged people were less likely to torment them than were small children. There was a tree for sale in the middle of a green expanse called Tappan Square, which was supposedly a mostly secluded place to live, save for the few students doing homework outdoors on particularly nice weekends. They bought the tree, and my family has lived here ever since.

In the time since then, we have found the College’s students to be significantly more irritating than we initially thought. Apparently, white squirrels are quite uncommon, and it wasn’t long before all the Obies started realizing that we were right here in their backyard. They started coming to Tappan in droves specifically to see us, keeping track of how many times each one of them had seen a white squirrel, and taking photos of us at inopportune moments. I won’t give details, but there are some rumors going around of a rather… suggestive photo that was taken exactly 44 days before my dad was born. We did not appreciate the unwanted attention, but we were willing to put up with it until 2011, when things started getting out of hand. The College started making stress toys in our image branded with their logo. Shirts, hats, sweatshirts, and mugs started appearing. A book was published by a former president of the College about a white squirrel who struggles at hide and seek because he is conspicuous, a major insult to my brilliant camouflaging skills. A comic has made its way onto the internet saying Oberlin students can relate to us because of our being “scrawny.” In 2014, the Athletics department de-

Abe Frato, Staff Photographer The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

cided that it was no longer happy with just the Yeomen and decided to add a second mascot of — you guessed it — a white squirrel. In 2019, the students finally voted on a name for this monstrosity of a character. Between options like “Albie,” “Stevie,” and “Macademia” — I am not certain whether that was a typo or a sorry attempt at a portmanteau of “Macadamia” and “Academia” — it was decided the mascot would be named “Yeobie.” Since then, everyone has insisted upon calling me Yeobie. My name is not Yeobie. My name is Frederick. Please stop calling me Yeobie. The final straw came when the College started getting people to dress up as the mascot. According to the College website, Yeobie is 7’10 and weighs 285 pounds. How would you feel if someone over 200 times your size, whom you had never met, was walking around campus dressed as a

creepy version of you? I cannot imagine you would be too pleased. It is important to note that this was all done without my family’s consent. At the very least, I would have expected that we would be asked for permission and paid a reasonable royalty. We bring in thousands of dollars in revenue to the College each year, and it is only fair we be compensated adequately. Gone are the days of accepting the acorns that drop from the trees as our only payment. We want pistachios. As such, I demand that the College halt all production and sale of white squirrel merchandise and lock away the fur suit until we can convene and negotiate a mutually agreeable contract. Stop stalking us, stop photographing us, and stop trespassing in our backyard. Otherwise, you will most certainly be hearing from our lawyers.

Exercise Prescriptions for the Romantically Challenged Bear Crawls

Arman Lustkow Opinions Editor Emeritus Editors’ note: This op-ed mentions abuse and discussions of body image. Before I begin, I want to emphasize that while exercise can be healthy and empowering, working out for other people or because you have bad thoughts about your body is not fun. Similarly, seeing people romantically is not necessary or always good. Love yourself and love your body. Dating at Oberlin is a notoriously tricky enterprise. “Dating” is also hardly the right word for this shitfest of thousands of horny, awkward young adults trying to satisfy romantic and/or lustful urges. For you, maybe this materializes as a secret, simmering crush on the tenor in your a cappella group, or a White Claw-fueled makeout session with your friend’s roommate. Maybe it’s spending a disproportionate amount of your income on Slow Train, making Google Calendar invites for casual sex with your Economics teaching assistant, or sexually-charged eye contact with members of your Dungeons and Dragons campaign. No matter the path you choose, some degree of heartbreak is inevitable. And if I’ve learned anything in my time at Oberlin, it’s that the tried and true way to heal from romantic injury is working out. Rigorous exercise that leaves your muscles

Hip Thrusts

screaming and your lungs heaving is a surefire solution for soothing sexual frustration. Who needs emotional validation when you can wake up early and squeeze in a 5K run before most students have squeezed out their morning wank? To help with your romantic struggles, we at the Review (it’s just me — no one else wants to take responsibility for this) [Editor’s note: Lustkow no longer works for the Review] have taken the initiative to prescribe exercises for those whose desires are unfulfilled elsewhere. Hopefully, these workouts can suppress the gnawing emptiness metastasizing within you. So, your romantic life hasn’t been going great. How did you get here? Maybe you were dating a cute, laid-back Obie man until he admitted that he enjoys hurting you (after some confusion, he clarified that he meant “hurting” in the toxic verbal abuse way, not the kinky, light choke play that you were hoping for). Or maybe you fell in love with your best friend. It happens, especially at Oberlin. Except it turned out that drunkenly shared childhood trauma — and your mutual obsession with Mitski — is not a solid foundation for a relationship, and you found yourselves crying in a hallway in Burton Hall at 3 a.m. while innocent students scurrying by for a late-night piss whispered words of encouragement. For recovery from these extremely generic scenarios, I’d personally recom-

mend bear crawls. You begin bear crawls in a modified plank position, with your knees under your chest but hovering off of the ground, and then walk forward or backward on your hands and feet. Start the bear crawls with enthusiasm and keep moving until you collapse face down in a pool of your own tears, much like you did in your last relationship. Bear crawls are also a great way to build stability — a characteristic notably absent from all of your romantic endeavors. The foundation of any exercise program for the recently single is the hammer curl, a variation of the dumbbell curl that has the dumbbells turned 90 degrees from their traditional starting position. With a focus on straining your forearms, these curls are gonna come in clutch when you’re 17 minutes into a solo session and feel yourself flagging. You should aim for as many reps as possible at a relatively low weight. The objective here is building up endurance so that your strength never gives out before your willpower. You might also practice varying your speed and grip strength. There are a number of other great workouts for heartbreak recovery. My personal favorite is the deadlift, a heavy lift for training your lower body. Although the deadlift is known to cause persistent lower back problems, this actually makes it perfect for anyone who misses having their back blown out. As the weather warms up, you could also go on a run through Oberlin. While running with a friend is a fantastic motivator to keep up the pace, if you’re in dire need of friends, an effective substitute is imagining that

you’re being chased by an apparition of one of your recent exes. If running isn’t your thing, and you’d prefer remembering what it’s like to have something other than your own hand between your thighs, you could hop on a bike. Either way, a little endurance training is a guaranteed method to get your face flushed and your legs shaking again. But let’s not forget the best reason to hit the gym once you’re single: pursuing the aesthetic. Why long for someone to hold you at night when you can gaze longingly at your own body in the mirror? No relationship can be as well-sculpted as a perfect pair of calves; no hump with your partner can satisfy you as reliably as a good pump in the gym. If you’re truly looking to increase the size of your assets, hip thrusts are a must. Done with either a barbell or dumbbell, they are underrated lunar champions for those desiring a fullmoon look rather than a waning gibbous. These exercises do not comprise a comprehensive program, but they can definitely be a start to feeling something — anything — again. I’ll end with two final pieces of advice for the perennially lonely. First, when everyone else has left you, the gym remains. After all, no matter how many times you let the weights down, you can always pick them back up. Second, get a cat. I have a beautiful baby girl named Balthazar, or “Baz,” and her love is independent of how my body looks, how much I lifted in the gym, or how I feel about myself on any given day.

Illustrations by Clair Wang, Staff Cartoonist Deadlifts

Hammer Curls

Talking with the Con Pond Koi about Radical Acceptance Walter Thomas-Patterson Conservatory Editor Could you talk a little bit about your first memories? You know it’s funny, in my spare time, I’ve been reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, and my first weeks on Earth were similar to the experience of human embryos in that book. You know how those embryos went on this conveyor belt to be scientifically engineered to fit in the different castes of society in this thing called the Central Hatchery and Conditionary Center? Yeah, we had a similar experience, except ours was much worse and much more graphic. Just like the babies in that hatchery, we didn’t have names — heck, we didn’t even have numbers — we were just a bunch of eggs clumped together. I couldn’t even see my mother or my father. I had no one to turn to, no one who could contextualize what I was going through. Yet there I was, at the bottom of this huge vat, shoved up against all these other koi. But after I hatched from my egg, that is really where the horror began — it was complete chaos in the tank I was in. Hundreds, if

The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

not thousands of my peers were swimming around me, and with all those fish, there was a lot of feces — the smell was unbearable. Some of my friends also died, and I watched them rot at the bottom of the tank. It was grotesque. Then to my horror, my peers in the tank began to suddenly disappear, especially the ones who didn’t have any distinctive markings. Their wriggling bodies would get plucked out of the tank, and I never saw them again. I was one of the fortunate few who survived — my colorful markings meant I would live out my life in some pond: candy for the eyes of some ignorant passerby. Damn, that must have been traumatic. Was it a bit of a relief to feel that you finally found some safety in this pond? I mean, yes, but also no. I still live with those early memories seared into my psyche, but I don’t think about them often. I have worked to radically accept what it means to be a Koi fish. Radical acceptance? That’s a term I remember learning about not too long ago, but I don’t remember exactly what it means. I feel like it’s one of these ideas that I could explain to you, but it wouldn’t really make sense unless I gave you an example. Imagine that we suddenly switched bodies; I became a

Conservatory Editor Walter Thomas-Patterson’s on-the-ground journalism brought him to the Conservatory courtyard to interview the Koi fish. semi-anxious college student striving to have some kind of “meaningful” and “exciting” life, and you became some nameless Koi fish swimming in an oft-frigid pond all day and night. Your initial reaction would be to fight the feelings of discomfort and inadequacy you felt. You would probably be like, “Fuck, my peers are out there getting degrees, and I’m stuck in a goddamn koi pond.” You would be in denial for a while, hoping that by some miracle, we could swap places again. That denial is crucial because you would be encountering both the daily discomforts of life and the existential feeling of failure because you would remember the other creatures on this planet who live with less pain. But after a while, if you had a chance to listen to some friends you had made, they would tell you that radical acceptance is a way to combat the suffering you feel. You would begin to lean into the discomfort you felt and experience it for what it is, and acknowledge that you will forever remain a Koi. Ok, you’re scaring me a little bit. You don’t actually have the power to turn me into a koi fish. Well actually, you might enjoy being a Koi fish. You get to mate a lot. For us as Koi, mating is really the pinnacle of our existence. It feels super good, and it makes so much more of us. A lot of our babies don’t end up making it, but the ones that do, well, it feels good to know that there will be more of us.

Speaking of mating, have any dating advice? Well, you see how you are talking to me in this pond, with you being on land. Yeah, you outside of the pond and me in the pond. Yeah that’s a good summary for how to go about dating. There isn’t any gray area — you’re either in or you’re out. If you try to live in the gray area then you open yourself up to heartbreak because in relationship with eligible peers, whether it be personal or professional, in the back of your mind you will be thinking, “wait, could this be romantic, does this person like me?” I have found that it is quite exhausting, and it prevents you from experiencing people as full human beings. I would propose that if you did decide to date, you make a concerted effort to create environments where that kind of mingling can occur, once you’ve established that environment, be ready to shoot your shot. And yes, rejection will most likely occur. But the thing is, that’s ok, because you know yourself well enough to know that the rejection is not a statement of value. Any last thoughts? I want to finish with a statement on stereotyping. As Koi fish, we have faced a long history of objectification and fetishization because people view us as simply ornamental decorations. I want you to remember that for any living creature, regardless of its perceived complexity, is more than simply a decoration.

The Oberlin Review Staff wearing The Oberlin Review, posing in the office of The Oberlin Review.

Group of Students in the Rat, Mistaken for Union, Asked to Disband

On Tuesday, students waiting for their sweet potato fries at the Rathskeller were asked to disperse at the order of Campus Safety officers. “We were literally just standing in line,” said College fourth-year Pip Massey. “All of a sudden these officers came in with airhorns waving ‘ONE OBERLIN’ sheets in the air and told us to split up.” The officers mistakenly believed that students were unionizing due to how many of them were wearing Carhartt work pants… [cont.]

Due to Over-Enrollment, ResEd Now Housing Students in Caved-in Floor of Local Village House

After one particularly lit house party, the floor of a local Village House caved in from the sheer weight of everyone dancing on it. “We were really nervous to tell ResEd, we thought they would be pissed,” said one resident of the house. “But they were actually overjoyed and started jumping up and down.” Six students — formerly sleeping inside the dryer machines at Barrows — have been relocated to live in the aforementioned hole. “This is honestly a huge upgrade,” said one… [cont.]

By Wiley Smith, This Week Editor Illustrations by Holly Yelton, Staff Cartoonist Title drawing by Clair Wang, Staff Cartoonist

Group Interview with the Harkness Polycule Yesterday, an interviewer sat down with members of the Harkness Polycule — a romantic network of people in non-monogamous relationships. The interview was intended to take place in Harkness’ basement. Upon finding the space too cramped, the interview moved to the Science Center atrium. The journalist and multiple people walking past the atrium doors spontaneously joined the polycule. At the end, every seat was filled, and people had to sit on each other’s laps. Everyone got a chance to speak, passing around a hand-carved rain stick. The interview took 78 hours. According to one member of the polycule, “What they never tell you about this stuff is the scheduling. We mostly use When2Meet…” [cont.]

College Increases Price of PrEP to One Meal Swipe + 1 After a cost-benefit analysis, the College has increased the price of PrEP — the daily pill medication that lowers one’s chances of contracting HIV. “This is so fucked up,” says everyone ever. The medication, which was formerly considered “a side,” is now “one meal swipe plus flex.” However, it is still free if you steal it. DeCafé will restock soon with… [cont.]

College Second-Year Celebrating Ash Wednesday With Kief Because He’s Literally So Cool Earlier in March, everyone with a nun fetish celebrated Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent and marks the day of Christian holy prayer and fasting. Those celebrating can usually be identified by a cross of ashes on their forehead. One College second-year student smoked a bowl and then used the crispy little reefer as ashes. The student says he considers himself to be “a chill guy” and that others have described him as “literally so cool”... [cont.]

When to Say “Slay” and When to Receive Medical Evaluation Listen, I’m queer. Queer in the way I have a mullet and a frail, frail little bird body. I recently looked at my twitter drafts and was alarmed to see an extensive collection of things I actively keep from my doctor. Things like “In My Lightheaded Era” or “Left Mudd Bathrooms, Irritable Bowel Slay.” For too long I was drafting tweets like “I’m So Nauseous Every Morning, Boots Boots Slay” instead of consulting a medical professional… [cunt.]

Lake Erie Shaken by CBD Oil Spill

A shipment of ChilledOut Cannabidiol Oil © en route to Michigan has gone down, like sank, in Lake Erie. The oil spill has shaken the local coastal community. One resident said, whispering in our little ears, “Something’s up with the seagulls, man.” Upon investigation, we found that the seagulls were kind of just sitting around at a jazz party, not really speaking to anyone… [cont.]

Public Apology to the Amish Community I Mistook for a Co-op I would like to publicly apologize to the Amish community on the outskirts of North Fields that I mistook for a co-op. I know you guys won’t see this because of the whole “no outside contact” thing, so it’s really more for me. I just wanted y’all to know how this misunderstanding unfolded: I was walking through a field of wheat trying to find Tank Dining when I stumbled across a log cabin. When I walked in and saw an array of avantgarde curly hairstyles and hand-sewn skirts, I thought, “this must be the place.” I sat next to someone called Ezzy — short for Ezekiel — who kind of just regarded me out of the corner of his eye. They served lunch, which was six garbanzo beans and a thoroughly cooked beet. Children burst into tears, while the adults lamented the “bareness of the harvest.” And still, nothing was cueing me in… [cont.]

Barefoot Dialogue Suffers Hand-FootMouth Disease Outbreak The popular (depending on who you ask) discussion group Barefoot Dialogue has fallen on tough times. After having a spirited discussion about the ethics of anonymity on YikYak, students have fallen sick with hand-foot-and-mouth disease, an irritating yet harmless viral infection. “We will probably not do that thing anymore where we kiss people on the mouth when they make a good point,” said one member… [kant.]

Editor’s note: This section is an April Fools Day tribute to “Bad Habits,” the satire section of The Grape. Bad Habits is timeless and personally one of my favorite things happening with student writing right now. Check it out. ily & hags !!! The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

Multi-Media Artist Spotlights Kath“leen” Kell“eher,” Farts & Cults “Editor”

The Review has decided to feature student artists this month in an effort to highlight the immense talent on campus. Below, find three student artists who have been working hard on honing their craft. College second-year Crapps Goodensmith, better known by his stage name, Flatulence Sentience, is one of Oberlin’s leading noise musicians, performing across house shows on South Professor Street and Elmwood Place. His style blends fart-based avant-garde with other sweet melodic gastric noises. His newest song, “Holeeeehollehole goleleHOLE holehohohohoholllllee ho,” has been transcribed here for readers at home: BFFTTTT FRRPPPP RP RP RP RPPPPPPPP FPBRFTFTTTT FFFTPPPHHHHHHHFFFFFFTTTTT PFFFTTTTT FRRRPPPPP RRP RPPPP PBSTFFFVVTTT

PRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRFPRF BRAPFT BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAFTTTTT PROABBBATFFFTTT FRTTTT PRRR FRRRRFFRFRF Don’t you feel something right now? I definitely feel something right now. The sonic soundscape created by “Holeeeehollehole goleleHOLE holehohohohoholllllee ho” is unbelievable. I mean … wow. I have chills. We caught up with Goodensmith after his performance Saturday at his own house, at which we were the only attendees. While describing his artistic process, he poured red paint all over his body, which he says he does “all the time” and “not just for the interview.” “Usually, I get in the stu’, and I just lay down some really nice, natural farts of my own first, to add a sort of ambiance to the track,” he said. “Obviously, this takes a lot of prep, so a song takes a long time to make — even just step one, building up 30 farts, is a really arduous process. I’ll then create some nice layered work by adding in whoopie cushion sounds and utilizing brass instruments in unusual ways. When I perform live, I replicate those lush layers of farts by having a full band of guys who sit down, one at a time, in chairs equipped with whoopie cushions. So yeah, that’s what you heard when I played ‘Holeeeehollehole goleleHOLE holehohohohoholllllee ho’ just now.” Another student artist, College first-year Worms Hooperbag, is certainly one to watch. Although they just arrived on the scene last semester, their latest work “Imagine if You Were a Crab and I Came Across You on the Shore and You Had Flipped Onto Your Back on Your Shell and Your Little Crab Legs Were Kicking Up in the Air and Stuff ” totally blew us out of the water here at the Review. The project, which was five years in the making, focused on a series of three poems, all in a traditional “Roses are red, / Violets are blue” format. The poems were printed on copy paper in Mudd Center during the artists’ previous performance-art show, which consisted entirely of the artist using a computer to print things out in Mudd. The pieces were hung on a wall behind the artist, who half-spoke, half-sang the poems aloud in a very bad British accent. The event was three hours long. Hooperbag, who is also known for being that one person who always asks to sit with you at Stevie even though you barely know them, said of the piece that it encapsulates the entirety of their first-year experience. “Um, yea basically i just thought it was super swag and lit and like fire emoji yknow,” they wrote in an email to the Review. “like idk it was just like so crazy to be like a frosh and like everyone kind of hates you. And also my mom and I are likeeee fighting a lot lately LOL so yea it’s

like kind of about her a little bit ig.” Another piece we’ve been really fascinated by is, in fact, totally anonymous. The piece (pictured left) appeared in the Allen Memorial Art Museum on Sunday and has yet to be claimed by any artist, though it shows obvious talent and incredible understanding of its medium. The piece itself consists of little more than a small pile of dirt, left on a blank sheet of copy paper, but it shows complete mastery in its use of negative space. The form lends itself to discussions of border conceptions of identity and finding bliss within the self. The simple mound of dirt on the blank sheet of paper signifies the complex relationship we have with the earth. Steeped in 19th-century hegemonic perceptions of femininity, which cast the female body as an extension of the natural world and as the manifestation of truth, purity and beauty, the work holds a singular, sexualized view of women. Ultimately, the dirt promotes a vision of the earth which is predicated upon its submission to the male gaze. She is “Mother Nature,” of course. The pile of dirt did not reply to our request for comment.

The Renaissance of Michael Cera Jocelyn Blockinger Staff Writer Michael Cera is having a renaissance. While the breakout star of Arrested Development may have made his name as a gawky, loveable teenager, he has finally left his adolescent rom-com cocoon behind and blossomed into a soaring butterfly. While playing the awkward sweetheart has gotten him far — who doesn’t love Evan in Superbad — he hasn’t been very successful at making the leap to more adult, serious roles. Until now. While I’ve often dreamed of him accidentally punching me in the boob, it was always a very casual, fleeting attachment. It wasn’t until his most recent role in Hulu’s Life & Beth that I finally saw the light. Now I know for certain, I have a crush on Michael Cera. If you were there for Molly’s Game and This Is the End, you’ll know that Cera’s star has not always shone in the right

places. He lost his ability to play the boyish sidekick, running the risk of falling in with the likes of Frankie Muniz, Topher Grace, and even Taylor Lautner. My dear Michael nearly fell off the radar as he struggled to find a place in Hollywood that could accept his newfound manhood. However, in Life & Beth, Michael Cera has finally hit his stride. As a mysterious, blunt farmer with a sense of humor to match, Cera has reached his full potential. He has maximized his boyish charm while leaning into his firmly masculine essence, turning a corner that can only guide him to becoming the leading man he was meant to be. His devilish scruff and tousled locks have transformed him from a goofy has-been into, quite literally, the man of my dreams. Michael, I see you, I support you, I … love you?

See Ya, Loserzzzzzz! Review Arts Editors Go to Cancun Kathleen Kelleher Lilyanna D’Amato Farts & Cults Editors Your Farts & Cults Co-editors took spring break early! Here we are on the sunny beaches of Cancun, soaking in some rays in between snorkeling and 5 p.m. Review production on Zoom. If you saw us around campus, no you didn’t! “We just needed a getaway,” D’Amato said. “School is just so blah right now. No one’s being funny. Kathleen and I just really needed a creative escape to crack some jokes, drink some piña coladas, and detox.” Although we may look a little bundled up in this photo, rest assured, it was just a windy day at the beach. Underneath those big ol’ parkas are some tanned, toned, hot Arts and Culture Editors. Some may believe this picture is photoshopped, but that’s only proof that this winter has numbed everyone’s rational thinking skills. “It’s like, I just need to put me first,” Kelleher said. “Obviously, all my professors are super mad, but it’s not like I was gonna pass Russian The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

102 anyway — and now that Lily banned me from Long Island Night, I, like, really needed a getaway to have a drink and relax.” Yes, it’s true. There’s been some trouble in paradise. The Arts and Culture editors are feuding over Lily’s recent hot take about underclassmen at Long Island Night. “Have you guys ever heard of satire? Kathleen, I mean, seriously,” D’Amato said. “We just really needed to get back in the co-editor honeymoon phase, but Long Island Night is still a sore subject. Love you girl!” Despite Lily’s well wishes, Kathleen is still bitter. She threw a Spring Breakers-themed party, and Lily was not in attendance. “What a bitch! It’s like, does she even care about the spirit of spring break? Ugh,” Kelleher said. “I’ve already talked to the Managing Editor about firing her. But I guess we just have to get through this weird vacation together, and then we can never talk again. I just know that bitch Lily is being all, ‘Love you bestie!’ in all these interviews. Also, she keeps asking me if I think it’s ‘too hot for Uggs.’ Like, get a life.” As Lily edits this, she is not pleased.

1-800-REVIEWLOVELINE Kathleen Kelleher Lilyanna D’Amato Farts & Cults Editors

I just found out everyone has been calling this guy I like “teeth guy.” What does that mean? – ToothLvr18

My South Campus boyfriend calls me “basic” whenever I wear leggings. The other day, he wouldn’t get physically near me when I got back from my workout. Is that a red flag? – ILOVEMYLEGGINGS

Oh, I know him! He was my roommate’s friend’s housemate’s sex ex.

Okay, this has totally happened to me before. When my boyfriend said this to me, I immediately took my leggings off and started wearing Dickies work pants with a carabiner. For the love of God, do not do this. Do not make my mistakes. You deserve to feel like a little sausage in that stretchy fabric! You just have to be like, “Hey bitch, I like my leggings! They make me feel cute, and my butt’s nothing to write home about, so my leggings make me feel like I’ve got something going on down there!” And if he tries to give you attitude, tell him that smoking cigarettes is really bad for him, or that his poster of Mao Zedong is kind of weird and fucked up. That’ll put an end to the whole legging debacle. But if he is really pushing the whole anti-legging propaganda, leave him for some stud with a Jeep Wrangler!

I watched three hours of Jersey Shore with a girl I liked once and she didn’t even kiss me. Now I really like Jersey Shore and she has a boyfriend. What did I do wrong? – JerseyUnsure Here at Farts & Culture, our motto is: “The real relationship was the Jersey Shore we watched along the way.” Girls who understand the power of Jersey Shore are obviously unattainable. Give up all hope. You definitely don’t deserve her. My partner has been insisting that gaslighting isn’t real and I’m crazy. What’s wrong with me? – YellowWallpaper Sounds like you have memory problems. You should see a specialist. I blacked out at Long Island Night last week and I’m freaking out. Did I do anything embarrassing? – DrunknAfraid Dude… yes. You were like, all over the place. I mean, what’s the last thing you remember? Because at 9 p.m., you were already standing up on a table and screaming at everyone about how there were too many freshmen there. And they couldn’t kick you out because you were on the table right by the stairs, and you, like, immediately fell. You landed on all fours like a cat and just walked out. Like… what were you on? Aren’t you bruised? Then, half an hour later, you were back again, outside, waving around a glass cup and telling the Feve guy who told you not to do that that you “would never die.” By 10 p.m., you were standing at the line for the bathroom and telling everyone around you that you’re “like, a really good kisser.” Weirdo.

When I went home after my freshman year, my ex from high school didn’t even try to bone me. Is Oberlin making me uglier? – FromHot2Not Ah! The plight of the Oberlin femme! I think the question you need to be asking is not, “Did Oberlin make me uglier?” but, “Did NYU make my ex think he’s hotter?” You grew, you changed; you became a bisexual goddess aware of her divine energy. He became a Washington Square Park hypebeast snoozefest! Just try to give yourself the “ick.” Imagine his reaction if you scuffed his Jordans by accident, or imagine him scrolling through Supreme on Grailed… in 2022!? Who cares about this Tisch loser. He sounds awful, girl.

Best OC Game Day Faces Zoe Kuzbari Sports Editor Happy April Fools Day! This week, the Review asked you all to submit some of your funniest game day or action shot photos of yourself or your friends (or enemies). Although there were too many for us to include ALL of your submissions, these are some of our favorites.

Second-year and NCAC honorable mention Abbie Patchen wacks the ball on the field while still looking cute. Courtesy of Zoe Kuzbari

If you’re good enough, you can play field hockey with your eyes closed. Fourth-year captain of the field hockey team Bonnie Wileman jumps in the air for the ball with her eyes closed and mouth guard in. Courtesy of Zoë Martin del Campo Fourth-year women’s volleyball player Natasha Radic (center) apparently always has her mouth open when she’s playing… I guess that means she’s focused? Courtesy of Zoe Kuzbari

Second-year basketball player Maggie Balderstone (center) gives us an enthusiastic thumbs up while courtside during a game. Courtesy of Alyson Jefferson

Shocked, dazed, and confused. Fourth-year women’s basketball captain Sammy Spanier (right) looks stunned while First-year women’s basketball player Kendal McCall (center) smiles off toward the crowd. Courtesy of Alyson Jefferson

The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

Third-year Max Anastasio, or “Stas,” stands tired in the dugout contemplating life during Oberlin baseball’s home opener. Courtesy of Zoe Kuzbari and Zoë Martin del Campo

First-year men’s soccer player Ethan Long looks a little worried with the ball on the field. Courtesy of Ryan Kim

See Game, page 19

Remembering Oberlin’s 1990s Football Dynasty Editors’ note: All quotes are fake and not from real interviews. The game stats, however, are 100 percent true. John Elrod Contributing Sports Editor Last fall, I wrote an article trying to determine whether Oberlin’s sports teams were as bad as everyone believes. After extensive research, I found that these perceptions are only half true — no thanks to the football teams of the 1990s. Still, the gridiron squads of this era are the closest thing to an athletic dynasty this school has ever had, so I took the time to catch up with some of the players and coaches who played a role in a truly historic period of Oberlin football. From 1993 to 2001, Oberlin football

went on one of the most impressive runs in the history of organized sports, losing 40 straight games, beating Thiel College by one point, and promptly losing 44 more. An offensive player from the 2001 team that topped the initial 40-game streak by losing 44 games recounted the team’s historical accomplishment. “We knew that it took tremendous effort from the greats that came before us to lose 40 games,” he said. “To go out there, lose a 41st straight game, and beat that record was going to be tough. As an offensive unit we knew we had to be a bit more careless with the ball and miss a few more blocking assignments to get the job done.” For the first three quarters of the record-breaking game against Pomo-

na-Pitzer College, the Yeomen were caught sleeping. They carried a 14–7 lead entering the final period. “I looked at the scoreboard and felt a pit in my stomach, and I immediately went over to my teammates to motivate them to turn the game around,” a defensive player said. The player’s words made an impact as the Oberlin defense gave up 18 points in the fourth quarter, which proved enough to secure a 25–21 loss, despite a late miscue by Oberlin’s offense resulting in a Yeomen touchdown. While the 2001 team staved off a few close calls early in the season to secure the longest losing streak in Oberlin football history, its streak eventually came to an end. On Oct. 20, 2001, the Yeomen beat Kenyon College, halting the historic run. One of Oberlin’s coaches was disappointed to see the streak end but carries a good attitude about it 20 years later. “We were sad to see [the streak] end, but I’m proud of what we accomplished,” he said. “I also want to give some credit to Kenyon, which has since become one of

the best programs in the nation at piling up losses.” The most recent 20+-game losing streak by an NCAC team came from the Kenyon Lords, who lost 26 in a row from 2016–18. These days, Oberlin football still loses a lot of games, but the team’s longtime tradition of being one of the worst sports teams on the planet may be fading. It went 1–9 last season, with four of its losses being decided by single digits. It is not clear whether the current coaching staff has the skill to come anywhere near the 44-game losing streak set by the Yeomen two decades ago. A current third-year linebacker expressed frustration with the team’s new trend of winning one or two games each year. “Clearly there are guys that should not be playing for a school like Oberlin that has such a rich tradition of losing,” he said. “I miss tackles, forget plays, and do my part, but I definitely have teammates who belong somewhere less serious about losing, like Ohio Wesleyan or Denison.”

Takes One to Know One: Oberlin Athletics in a Nutshell Zoë Martin del Campo Contributing Sports Editor

“I’m different,” says men’s lacrosse player with a mullet

Teamcest: bringing teams closer since 1833

“I could’ve gone DI,” insists athlete who couldn’t have gone DI

Uh oh! Sports Editors have to explain what a sport is to Production again

Athlete wonders why he’s not as popular as he was in high school

Game Day Faces from OC Athletics Continued

Ball’s out… tongues out? Second-year volleyball player Taylor Gwynne looks silly on the court. Courtesy of Zoe Kuzbari

Second-year Anthony Pacewicz (center) sprints down the field against a DePauw Tigers midfielder. He had us all screaming “Run, Anthony, run!” from the sidelines. Courtesy of Ryan Kim

Second-year women’s soccer player Maya Blevins gives off some intense and angry eye contact. You sure don’t want to mess with her. Courtesy of Andrea Nguyen

First-year Adian Olvier dribbles the ball up the court with his tongue out while fourth-year Wolf Moser plays defense with duck lips. Courtesy of Wolf Moser

The Oberlin Review | April 1, 2022

Fourth-year Nicolas Jandeleit looks in pain on the soccer field after getting slide tackled. Courtesy of Maya Blevins

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