Dangers of a sex-free life

Successful marriages need a physical element, says Charlotte Metcalf

Robbie Williams, 49, the rock god voted the sexiest man in the world by Cosmopolitan in 1999, recently announced he was eschewing marital sex.

Thousands of oldies rolled their eyes at the banality of the news. Tell us something we don’t know.

Thousands of married oldies have not had sex together for well over a year –though they would baulk at admitting they had given it up for good. Robbie insists he adores Ayda, his wife of 13 years, and has no plans to leave her. He is just reverting to the norm of the many oldies who have long since yielded to a sexless but functioning companionship.

Those who have been in a relationship in which the sex fades out – often because of starting a family – know how hard it can be to sustain a marriage without that intimacy. It can smooth over escalating differences of opinion, diverging interests, irritating habits and ferocious rows.

Some 42 per cent of British marriages end in divorce, a figure on the rise. ‘Unreasonable behaviour’ is the numberone cause, with adultery responsible for around 14 per cent of bust-ups. In 2021, the average length of marriage between opposite-sex couples was just eight years.

Looking around at fellow oldies, I see quite a few who have stuck it out until the last of their offspring have left the nest. They worry that their children will suffer permanent emotional trauma if exposed to family breakdown. In fact, sensitive offspring usually predict the looming split, seeing right through attempts to disguise tension for their sakes.

For adultery to stick as a reason for granting divorce, the unfaithful partner must admit to it, which is why ‘unreasonable behaviour’ is the preferable speedy route to legal closure. My hunch, though, is that the vast majority of relationships break down because of sex – or lack of it.

The cliché of a married man succumbing to a younger woman’s sexual charms is all too evident. The cringeworthy recent Netflix series Obsession showed a successful, wealthy surgeon hurtling into a catastrophically destructive affair with his son’s fiancée. The series was inspired by Josephine Hart’s 1991 novel Damage, made into a film starring Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche, with a screenplay by David Hare.

The plot would be risible, were it not based on millions of actual male fantasies – not that all men have the same propulsion to act on them.

Take Piers Paul Read’s 1979 novel, A Married Man, where the protagonist remains married, despite a midlife adultery crisis. I was gripped by the visceral descriptions of the protagonist fantasising about a 17-year-old while his slack-bodied wife snores and farts contentedly in the bed beside him.

I know a serial adulterer who has remained married for over 40 years because he ensures he has sex with his wife once a week. He insists it’s the reason for his marriage’s longevity.

Regular sex makes her feel valued and desired and thus more likely to overlook his peccadillos. It’s this ability to make the spouse feel adored, more than the sexual acrobatics, that can sustain a marriage, but it’s a difficult trick to pull off.

Laying such importance on regular sex is a conundrum for oldies. Most of them would rather read a good book in bed and would happily sink into a lasting, convivial pact that didn’t rely on bedroom antics.

So why don’t more of us feel confident to abandon sex like Robbie Williams? One reason is that most women believe (mainly from bitter experience) that there is inevitably a tempting siren round the next corner. Keeping a man’s eye from roving can be a full-time job, involving anxieties around all sorts of things from sprouting hairs and sagging bellies to harsh lighting and appropriate underwear.

The numerous men who do yield to the younger model often regret it, yearning for the stable – if sexually dull – former family life. The younger model undoubtedly administers a blissfully sharp romantic shock, persuading the man he needn’t contemplate his mortality for a few more years. Yet she is likely to stray if the ageing man becomes tired – not just of delivering in the bedroom, but of feigning interest in her diverging interests and the indecipherable, if not alien, cultural references of her friendship group.

Sexless marriages are more likely to survive in villages, where single women are perceived as predatory and so are put off settling there. Yet, in cities, full of opportunities to socialise, including the office, now that we’re not working from home any more, the prospect of feeling cherished and sexually admired remains irresistibly romantic.

I wonder how long Robbie Williams or his gorgeous wife Ayda can hold out before succumbing to a flatterer. Who can resist a boost to the ailing belief in their own charms, particularly female oldies fed up with feeling so invisible?

Let’s not underestimate the power of sex, as I suspect most of us secretly crave it or lament its passing. If the Williams marriage holds out without it, I’ll be surprised.

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