Ask Virginia

Virginia Ironside

AOur brilliant wine man, Bill Knott, suggests getting hold of a ‘vinegar mother’ – some weird bit of gloop that has a life of its own, apparently, similar to a ‘yoghurt mother’ or a ‘sourdough mother’ (I wonder if they have a union?) – and make vinegar. Bottle it in pretty bottles and give them to unsuspecting friends at Christmas. Or throw it on the compost heap if you have one. Wine can be full of nitrogen which activates good bacteria within the mixture. And don’t blame me if you’re woken in the early hours by your roses belting out Danny Boy

Cure for mourning sickness

QI’m commenting on a letter from someone who says she can’t grieve the death of her father. My father died having suffered from dementia (as, it seems, did hers) and my grieving effectively took place while he was still alive. His actual death was something to be accepted with some gratitude.

A S, Devon

AGrief is the weirdest of things. Yet we’re encouraged to think that it follows strict patterns, usually involving lots of tears. Not so. Fury (sometimes at some blameless family member) is one reaction, as is grieving in advance, like yours. Sometimes it can be put on hold; until her late mother’s dog died, a friend didn’t shed a tear. On the dog’s death, she was overwhelmed and went to pieces. In other instances, it can be expressed physically. It’s very common for close relatives to suffer agony – often imagining they have the same ailment that killed their loved one. And, don’t forget, you might never ‘get over’ a loved one’s death. Anniversary grief is very common write to The Oldie, Tower House, Sovereign Park, Market Harborough LE16 9EF. Print subscription rates for 12 issues: UK £49.50; Europe/Eire £58; USA/Canada £70; rest of world £69.

– feeling unusually wretched every year around the same date as the death.

Reciprocal dinners

QWhen I was a young man, my friends took it in turns to ask one another to dinner. I love entertaining and cooking. Now I’m 75, in good health and sociable. Moreover I love to cook and experiment, and love entertaining friends to dinner. The problem is that my wife and I no longer seem to get asked back very much, although our many friends jump at the chance of a meal here. Why is this? How can I encourage my friends to return my hospitality? It doesn’t have to be cordon bleu. If they just ordered a pizza, that would be fine. I’m getting tired of always being the host.

Name and address supplied

AI suspect that you’re too good a host. Your friends, on being presented with your special truffle soup, followed by wild garlic and marinated acorns from Tuscany, feel a bit daunted. So, next time, why not ask if they’d like a takeaway, a Charlie Bigham or something from Cook? I’ve done this occasionally when feeling knackered and, to be honest, no one seems to notice, despite my declaring that it isn’t homemade. The starter can be gazpacho from a box and the pud could be frozen pancakes from Waitrose or just posh cheese and fruit. Once they know you’re prepared to slum it, they’ll feel more eager to ask you back

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.

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