I’m not the only lonely man

Eight million British men feel isolated. John Matthews is one of them

Ilook around and see a lot of middle-aged and older men wandering around, unhappy and alone.

According to the Jo Cox commission on loneliness, eight million men (of all ages) in Britain feel lonely at least once a week, with nearly three million saying it’s a daily occurrence.

Does society create this loneliness? Or do men create it?

When I was 18, my brother Brent died from cancer. He was ten years older than me. The aftermath was a desert of a social life, with all my friends disappearing like rats off a sinking ship.

Almost 30 years later, I became separated from my partner of 29 years. I ended up living on my own for the first time in 30 years. None of my friends helped. I was shocked how history was repeating itself.

Fast forward a year, and my long-term partner, from whom I’d been separated for over a year by now, had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage. My daughter and I rushed to her bedside as she struggled to survive.

One of my male friends asked, ‘Why are you doing that? Why are you helping her? I thought you were separated?’

I replied, ‘This is the mother of my daughter. We’ve known each other 35 years. There is no question about whether I will help!’

Then what happens? Steve, with whom I was cycling two or three times a week, stops answering my messages, and stops cycling with me.

I bump into him in a pub some time later and he does not even say hello to me. He sits there staring at me, with not a word said – one of the strangest experiences I have ever had.

Matt, who disappeared the year before, appears on email. There’s some slight contact but he does not engage in any meaningful dialogue or call.

My long-term friend Geoff effectively disappears. He stops inviting me on his motorbike rides, replying to messages or accepting invitations to come round for a chat. From the day my ex was rushed into the neurological ward in Salford on 28th February, it is almost four months before I go out on a normal night out with Geoff. Four months!

I work at it. No criticism. No blaming. Just encouragement – and eventually things with Geoff become more like the old normal.

During the rehabilitation, my ex suggested my daughter and I take a look at Headway, a charity that helps people suffering from brain injuries, and how their families are affected.

One of Headway’s articles on its website said that because people do not know how to deal with a situation, or they feel the person involved needs space, they pull away. The problem is that, when everyone pulls away, their ‘friend’ ends up isolated – which is what I have experienced.

Not everyone abandons you. My friend Jill did the opposite. Last year, when she saw my supposed best friend disappear when I could have used some support, she stepped in and made a point of keeping in contact on a regular basis.

We still meet up every week, go walking, eat pizzas and have a laugh.

People who abandon their friends don’t realise the person going through a difficult time might just want to chat about other things, have some fun and be distracted. They don’t necessarily need or want to talk about the big thing going on in their lives.

When I see lonely old men wandering around – miserable, on their own – I wonder, have they been through a difficult time? Have their friends dropped them as I’ve been dropped?

All the people who dropped me were men. Jill is – obviously – a woman.

Do men have a serious problem? Are they unable to be there for their friends when they need them? Are men brought up to be utterly useless emotionally in difficult situations? My experience suggests they are.

Abandonment by supposed friends means men are creating lonely men as they go into old age. I am determined that this will not happen to me.