virginia ironside

My secret lover

QFor the last 25 years, I was having an affair with a married man.

His wife and children didn’t know that he was gay and it all worked perfectly and no one, as far as I know, was hurt.

But now he’s died and I so long to go to his funeral, but of course I can’t just turn up without an excuse. What do you think that I should do?

Gerald (not my real name), address supplied

AIf you’re sure you’re not going to be racked by sobs and drawing attention to yourself, I can’t see why you shouldn’t slip in last and just stand at the back in the shadows – and then make your escape.

Alternatively, ask the vicar or celebrant of the service if he or she has any advice.

If they’re compassionate and trust you not to make a scene, they might point out a very discreet place you might secrete yourself into – or perhaps provide a personal blessing at a later date.

This sad situation arises, by the way, much more often than you might think.

Vicars taking funerals can be quite familiar with the shadowy figure at the back of the church or cremation service who comes and goes without being noticed.

If questioned, you can always mumble about being a work colleague from way back or something.

Do try to be there. It can be a big part of what’s known, rather pompously, as the ‘grieving process’.

My racist wife

QMy wife has always been very outspoken and the older she gets – she’s now 80 – the more strident are her views.

She often talks disparagingly about black people or immigrants and obviously it’s starting to embarrass our social circle. She rang the gas board and asked for someone white to read our meters. Understandably, it resulted in an awful fuss. She absolutely refuses to listen to my begging her to stop and says I’m a slave to political correctness.

A J, Ashford, Kent

AThis kind of intransigent bigotry is often a sign of early Alzheimer’s.

There is very little you can do about it except try to take over the booking of service appointments yourself and get her out of the way when the engineers arrive.

Apologise in advance to your friends and explain your predicament to distance yourself from her views. Don’t argue with her, and refuse to engage if she persists.

Most people of her age will realise what’s going on and either pay no attention or change the subject as soon as possible. And even people of different ethnicities from your own will, if they’re at all understanding, probably have equivalent-aged relatives in their families and won’t take her remarks personally.

However, if things continue to get worse and she starts to insult strangers, it might be worth consulting your doctor to find out whether it might be a sign of anything worse.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.