Ask Virginia Ironside

My ex is freezing me out

QI was married for 30 years and, for all that time, my wife and I spent wonderful holidays together with her family. I got on with all her relations – particularly my brothers and sisters-in-law – and they got on with my family, too. We’d all get together at Christmas. I honestly thought of her nieces and nephews almost as our own children. However, ten years ago we split up – a long story, but my wife was the one who walked out, as it happens. Not long after we divorced, one of her sisters had a 50th-birthday party and asked me – but then wrote, saying she was very sorry but she had to retract the invitation because my ex-wife objected. She said she wouldn’t come if I came. She also said she’d stop our own children from attending. (They’re all adults, by the way.) With every event since, it’s been the same. I’m invited and my wife refuses to come if I’m there. To be honest, I miss my extended family. Though they send photographs, showing them drinking my toast – they often add ‘Wish you’d been here’ or something – I hate to miss these get-togethers. I have no idea what we’ll do when our own children get married. Is there anything I can do now, though?

Name and address supplied

ACould you not organise a meeting with your wife and ask why she’s behaving like this? After all, she left you. If you’d been dreadfully cruel and beaten her up regularly, I could understand it but if it was just your wife tiring of the marriage or falling for someone else, then I can see no reason at all, except to exert power. If she refuses to meet, ask one of the

virginia ironside

amiable ex-brothers- or sisters-in-law to meet instead and see if they can give some explanation. Remember, it must be just as difficult for them to have their lives, in part, ruled by their sister. They must miss you, too – and plenty of ex-husbands and -wives can remain on very friendly terms or, at the very least, attend events together without talking to each other – though that’s a shame. Meeting up would be for the sake of those old relationships and the children, not just you.

Driving was my lifeline

QI’m so depressed because my daughter-in-law has insisted I give up driving. My eyesight’s not as good as it used to be, true, but I drove only short distances and then not very far – and very, very carefully. I’m certain I can’t be any danger to anyone. Driving made such a difference to my life, enabling me to visit friends who didn’t live within walking distance. I’m not very mobile and I live in the country, where there’s very little public transport. I feel a whole chunk of my life – the part that, to be quite honest, made life worth living – has been taken away at a stroke.

Name and address supplied

AWork out exactly how much running a car costs you, petrol and all, and then estimate how much taxi rides a year would cost. I bet it wouldn’t be a huge amount more. And plan to take as much advantage as you can of lifts and offers to collect you. I know – it’s not the same, is it? But I don’t think you’ll find in the end that it’ll be quite as bad as you think it’ll be. And keep reminding yourself of the consequences of having an accident – or, worse, killing someone or leaving a child severely disabled for life – and it then being revealed that your eyes aren’t up to scratch. Even if it wasn’t your fault, you’d never forgive yourself and would be seen as a pariah among your friends.

Don’t ignore prostate signs

QMight I suggest that the lady who wrote about her husband’s ‘erectile dysfunction’, as it’s called, should encourage him to go to the doctor? I was reluctantly pushed there by my wife, because I had a similar problem – and I also had to get up in the night frequently to go to the loo – and it turned out the cause was an enlarged prostate. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and thank goodness, having caught it early, I’m now having radiotherapy. Now the future looks bright.

KB, by email

AThat’s such good news – because the earlier you get a diagnosis, the better are your prospects of getting it cured. So well done you, unlike so many men, for listening to your wife. I wish you the best of luck and fingers crossed!

Kiss lowdown

I enjoyed the joke about kissing! I was under the impression that a kiss was ‘an application at head office for a job at a much lower level’.

Mike Langmead, by email

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.

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