Ask Virginia Ironside

virginia ironside

I want to be alone

QJust after my wife died, I met a widow in the village I live in and, to start with, we got on very well. Sex was great and we had interests in common. But soon she was spending rather too much time round at my house and now she’s talking about selling her house and moving in properly. Everyone in the village assumes we’re a couple and I’m always invited with her to things that I’d quite like to go to on my own. I don’t think I’ve yet really grieved for my wife – and now I realise this woman is very different indeed and I resent her trying to take my wife’s place. I feel so guilty, though. I’m happy to keep her as a friend, but nothing more.

Frank D, Derbyshire

AThis isn’t entirely your fault, by any means, Frank. After a close partner dies, it’s very common for the survivor to become so ravaged with grief that they can’t cope with it, and immediately try to imprint their partner’s characteristics onto a new person. It can be quite exciting to start with – but only for a while. Reality, as it has in your case, soon strikes. As soon as possible, you have to tell this woman what you’re feeling. Say that it’s too soon after your wife’s death for you to be contemplating anything like another partnership and certainly not cohabitation. Go to a counsellor and blame it all on them if that makes it easier – say you’ve only just realised what a fool you’ve been. Go away for a month or so. Change the locks. Insist on a long time apart before you meet again. It’ll be tricky in a small village, but you’ll work out a way. Whatever you do, don’t let the relationship drift. It would be unfair not only to her but, in the end, to you, as you get more and more eaten up with misery and resentment.

Dreading a family reunion

QFor one reason or another – COVID, being locked up, illness, family dramas – we haven’t met up as an extended family for years now. But, this spring, we’ve planned a big reunion at a hotel in Dorset. Our children have grown from being 10 and 12 to 14 and 16 and are very different people. My wife’s mother has planned to give her granddaughter a signed edition of The Wind in the Willows for her birthday, which I can’t think will go down very well since our daughter barely reads a book these days. And they’re trying to organise a trip to an adventure park nearby, and a ‘treasure walk’ at a local country house, which will engender groans all round, I know. How can we steer them away from this? I know they’re well meant.

James B, by email

AShow your children all the things available to do in Dorset – for adults and kids. Pick some you agree might be fun and recommend them to your family. Why don’t you all swap photographs – ‘In case we don’t recognise each other after all this time’, you can say in a jokey way. Make sure you pick photos of your children looking their most sophisticated, preferably with their noses glued to mobile phones. And remember that most things can be fun, even if you’re laughing at them rather than with them. It just needs a relentlessly cheerful adult to make sure the events go with a swing. Get that jolly laugh out, James, and give it a dusting. You’ll be setting your kids an example.

Should I go under the knife?

I’ve received quite a few letters criticising my answer to Brenda (October issue), who was recommended to have cataract surgery even though there seemed nothing particularly wrong with her sight. Readers complained that they’d had wonderful cataract surgery. They knew people whose lives had been transformed by it. While that is true, there are complications for one in 20 people who have it. I was one of those people, which makes me biased.

Barbara wrote: ‘What a thoughtless piece of advice you gave about cataract surgery. I know several people who have had the operation done successfully. I am 91 and will be pleased to have mine done, so I can see more clearly to finish a cross-stitch picture I am doing. My operation will be done when my optician recommends it and my GP sanctions it.’

But Anni wrote: ‘I thought your reply to Brenda was very sensible, especially in the light of an old friend’s experience. ‘She argued she could see perfectly well, needing reading glasses ONLY – and not strong ones – but underwent the op as advised by her optician, thinking they “knew best”.

Immediately after the op on one eye, she had problems, which continued until she was hospitalised with severe eye pain – and completely lost the sight in this eye. Leave well alone, Brenda, while you can see; don’t risk an op.’

The Oldie has had lots of letters about cataracts and the vast majority are in favour of having the operation done. But it is of course up to the individual.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.

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