Ask Virginia

Virginia Ironside

rebuffed my tentative approaches and I am hopeful our relationship will develop. My dark secret, however, is that I’ve always been rubbish at intercourse. I was never, ever predatory or dominant and always rated the tender side of relationships, kissing, cuddling and caressing, more highly than anything else. Affectionate by nature, I’m really looking for close, loving intimacy more than sexual athletics. Also, I have to face up to the possibility that at my age I am unlikely to be able to ‘rise to the occasion’ even if I want to. But I fear that, as she’s still relatively young, she probably wants and expects something more physical than I can provide.

My feelings for her have raised my anxiety about all this to an almost intolerable level. I’m so confused, I haven’t got the faintest idea how to handle this without risking major embarrassment and awkwardness. I don’t know what to say to her, or even if I should say anything at all.

The last thing I want to do is offend or disappoint her, or humiliate myself, but if we are incompatible I think it’s best for us both to find out now rather than later.

Name and address supplied

AAll you can do is tell her exactly how you feel. To remain silent would not be a good idea. It may well be that, at her age, post-menopause, she, too, prefers the sensuality and deep affection that come with fondling, kissing and so on. Being frank and telling her the truth is the sign of a very strong character and a brave man. Once you’ve explained your fears, they may disappear.

Surely it’s clear already that she cares for you because you are you – not because you’re some heavy-breathing Lothario who’s always ‘up for it’. However old we are, there always ways of giving each other sexual satisfaction, if either of us wants it, without going the whole hog.

Son in the doghouse

QWhile I went away on holiday for a fortnight, my son and his wife moved into my house to keep an eye on it and look after the dogs. I got back to find they had changed my dogs’ feeding patterns – they said I wasn’t feeding them enough. Even worse, they have – or rather, I suspect, she has – rearranged everything in the kitchen. I can’t find anything! They’ve chucked out anything past its sell-by date and moved everything in the drawers and even shifted the furniture around. I am furious.

Should I write and tell them how I feel? I would never presume to do the same in their house if I were staying there!

Vanessa B, St Albans

ANext time – if there is a next time – make sure that you have a vet’s letter confirming your dogs’ feeding regime before you go away.

As for the rearrangement, try to calm down for a while before you say anything. Why not give their new arrangement a try-out? I’m sure they did everything to make things easier for you – and, who knows, some of their ideas may be inspired! After a month, you can assess the situation, retaining the new bits that you find useful and reverting the other bits back to the old patterns. For heaven’s sake, don’t sound off. I feel certain they did all this with the very best intentions.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.