Ask Virginia Ironside

virginia ironside

Rubbish cleaner

QI think my elderly mum is getting ripped off by her cleaner (a very first-world problem, I know, but…). On the few occasions I’ve been present in the house when she’s around, the cleaner regularly tells sob stories about her son/ missing her train home, and she often cuts corners, both time-wise and work-wise. My mum is very sympathetic to her plight and also generally an easy-going person, but she doesn’t seem to be getting her money’s worth, and sometimes complains about the cleaner’s work. How to proceed with this?

R Paterson, Cornwall

ATry to visit more often when the cleaner is there. Always look at the clock when you arrive. Make a note of the time. Say, ‘Lovely to see you! You’re looking well! Now when did you arrive? At X? Well, you’ll be leaving at Y, then, won’t you. And I hear last time you couldn’t stay very long; so perhaps you could make up the time either this time or next time…’ Encourage your mother, too, always to check visibly with her watch or a clock when she arrives and leaves. Just this small act will put the cleaner on her toes. Subtle hints are all that matter at the moment. The cleaner will pick this up. She doesn’t want to lose her job. And you’ll manage to reach an understanding without any ultimatums or conflicts. Everyone – including me, I’m afraid – tends to do what they can get away with. If you let the cleaner know she’s being monitored, it’ll almost certainly get her to change her ways.

My gambling grandson

QOur son-in-law was a feckless character – gambler, addict, drunk – and we thought that once he left our daughter, things would improve. But sadly the eldest grandson, who’s 25, is becoming exactly like him. He lives at home, gambles online and is rude to his mother. When we suggest to our daughter he should get a job and leave home, she gets very upset and won’t hear anything against him. We used to see him quite a lot and have a good time, with wonderful conversations. But now, because of COVID and so on, we haven’t seen him on his own for ages. I think he’s embarrassed. Is there anything we can do?

Name and address supplied

AVery little, I’m afraid. Try to remember this boy is almost certainly frightened and vulnerable. His father has left home and he’s probably copying his ways in order, in a weird way, to feel close to him. He’s completely adrift, knowing he’s behaving badly, but terrified at having to be the adult in the family. He’s confused and grieving. Trying to get him to leave home will just push him even deeper into the hole he’s digging for himself. Get him to come over on his own if you can. Be loving. Tell him you understand and are on his side. Make him aware that when he’s feeling desperate, you are always there for him. Try to continue these visits and remain non-judgemental and calm. Think of him as a plant without water. Try a bit of nurturing, counterintuitive as it sounds. You never know – you might see a green shoot at some point. And then build on it. And never, ever give up. Your support will mean a lot to him, even long after you’re dead.

Too old to escape my wife?

QI’m fit, I’m 71 and I’ve had a good, productive life. My only problem now is my wife. To her friends, she’s confident, outgoing, successful – she still has a senior job. To me, she is critical, contradicting, complaining, fault-finding, cold and undermining. I find her domineering and overbearing. Sex is out of the question. Our marriage has not been happy. I don’t know whether she loves me, but she doesn’t act as if she does. We go through the motions together – we share a bed, and cook and eat and socialise (with a very small circle of friends) together, and we are polite to each other and show an interest in what each other is doing. We are doing up a house and garden we have moved to – to be near to our son and grandson – but she takes all the decisions; so I feel no interest in the project. We sit in the same room reading our respective books, and watch television programmes, usually of her choosing. Is it too late to make a break to find a chance of happiness?

Name and address supplied

AAbsolutely not. But, first of all, do try seeing a marriage counsellor. Just the mention of seeing one will put a little bomb under the relationship. You’ll be able to find out whether she, too, secretly wants to break up – or whether she’d be horrified. Why spend the rest of your life in misery without giving a chance of improvement, even minor, a try? I’m certain that once you’d aired your grievances in front of a third party, you’d find a huge change in the dynamics of this sterile relationship. Be honest: it couldn’t get much worse. So be brave and risk changing it for the better.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.

The Oldie is published by Oldie Publications Ltd, Moray House, 23/31 Great Titchfield Street, London W1W 7PA ISSN 0965-2507. Printed in England by Walstead Group. Distributed by Seymour Distribution Ltd, 2 East Poultry Avenue, London EC1A 9PT; www.seymour.co.uk

To order a print subscription, go to subscribe@theoldie.co.uk or call 0330 333 0195 Print subscription rates for 12 issues:

UK £47.50; Europe/Eire £55; USA/Canada £57; rest of world £65.

To buy a digital subscription for £29.99 or

a single issue for £2.99, go to the App Store on your tablet or mobile and search for ‘The Oldie’.

All rights of reproduction are reserved in respect of all articles, drawings, sketches etc published in The Oldie in all parts of the world. Reproduction or imitation of any of these without the express prior written consent of the publisher is forbidden. The Oldie is available in audio and e-text format for the benefit of blind and partially sighted readers through RNIB Newsagent. Telephone 0303 123 9999 or visit www.rnib. org.uk/newsagent for further details.