OxYou

Editors: Jen Jackson, Susie Barrows, Milo Dennison, Jonah Poulard

How (not) to get

Milo DENNISON hacked

Suddenly a slew of imperative verbs appears across your Facebook – it’s almost seventh week and the Union is back. After that, the name of the game is time wasting. You should be asking them to explain at least four times when you’re meant Fresh from cancelling every third speaker event and a scandal because not everyone at the Union can think of good enough verbs, the Union now wants you to care about it again. For most of you, that means you’re about to discover a whole new group of ‘friends’ that you never knew you had.

Hacking is pervasive at Oxford, and in the next week it’s more likely than not you’ll receive a message subtly or not so subtly begging for your vote. Never fear though, because OxYou is here to make sure you never get hacked again.

When you first receive the message, you’re probably going to be confused for a minute or two. Someone you ran into once in freshers’ week will have sent you a text more gushing than anything your significant other has ever sent you, asking if you want to catch up in the next week. Your immediate reaction is going to be to ignore and block, but I beg you, don’t do it.

You need to get it out of your head that Union members are ordinary people who deserve respect, and instead understand that any and all opportunities to mess around with them should be jumped upon. So, when you first get that message, instead of just leaving it, you need to reply. Not only does it save other poor souls from the same message, but it also gives you the opportunity to watch someone desperately try and pretend that you really truly are besties. to vote (“So either Thursday or Saturday, but not Friday?”), at least seven times where you’re meant to vote (“I can do it in college? That’s perfect”), at least thirteen times how you’re meant to vote (“Do I stick a 3 by the name of the person I most want to win and a 1 by the person who should come last?”) and at least eighteen times who you’re meant to vote for (“I’m meant to vote for people on #DifferentImperativeVerb right?). By the time you’ve done that, they’ll be so invested in your vote that you can basically get anything you want out of them. Want to go to Knoops next week? Fancied a paid-for Spoons trip recently? Trying to tick another college off the formal hall challenge? All of these and far more can be accomplished by simply telling your Union friend that you’re not quite convinced that you should vote for them. This is also where you start to play them off against each other. Has one of them offered to take you to a formal? Because if so and if you play your cards right, you’re most of the way to securing an invitation to the Ivy for dinner. By the time it finally does get around to Friday, they should feel like they’ve been used and abused for everything they’ve got. Now, before I explain how to make sure you never get hacked again, it’s also worth including a side note about what to do if they do something silly. I include this because I once opened my phone to two identical hacking messages from the same person, only adRordon Gamsay BEST OF THE ROAST

RORDON’S ON THE PULL: THE MYSTERIOUS MR P. END Rordon doesn’t usually talk about his love life, but his readers might be interested to know that he spent Hilary entangled in a passionate whirlwind relationship via text with a certain Rachel. Rordon felt himself to be in love, and the feeling seemed to be reciprocated – she had even told him she wanted to see him at a certain Oxford club tonight! – but alas, when the end of term came, she dropped off the face of the earth entirely. After spending the Easter vac sobbing listening to Red (Taylor’s Version) and sending her far too many drunk messages at 2am that sadly (or maybe fortunately) remained unread, Rordon is finally moving on from All Too Well (10 Minute Version) to beginning to relate more to Begin Again. What has caused this drastic change? The arrival of a new person in his DMs – a Mr P. End. Having first received a text at the end of April in which he was tantalisingly wished a ‘great week’, Rordon tried not to get his hopes up too much, for fear of a repeat of the Rachel situation. But to his great surprise, Mr P. End seemingly can’t get enough of our favourite Roast writer, and slid in once more this week to alert him to the fact that club tickets for Week 8 are ‘selling quick!!!’. Rordon isn’t stupid – he knows this is a not-so-subtle hint to go out so that he can accidentally bump into Mr End on the cheese floor and dance the night away to the dulcet tones of ABBA’s Greatest Hits interspersed with ‘Come on, Eileen’ and ‘Sweet Caroline’. It looks like he’ll be having a Hot Girl Trinity after all.

WOW: RORDON MAKES FRIENDS

Once a term, Rordon suddenly goes through a spurt of popularity. Presumably because enough people have read Rordon’s Roasts by this point in the term, he suddenly finds himself swamped by people desperate to go out for a coffee with dressed to different people – when I opened the actual messages, the one addressed to the wrong person had mysteriously disappeared. If any of your hacking friends are foolish enough to ever do anything like this, every other hack you know should hear about it, along with just about anyone else who will appreciate it. It’s dangerous to let hacks keep any dignity.

So with that, we get on to landing the killer blow. You’ve wasted their time, taken them for everything they’ve got and with a bit of luck utterly embarrassed them, and now it’s Friday. Sometime around midday, you’ll get a message asking if they can walk you over to the Union to vote: it’s at this point you break the news to them that you’ve never been a Union member at all!

THE DEFINITIVE OXFORD CLUBBING QUIZ

Elsie CLARK

Uncertain as to which club night you should be going to this week? If you want the decision made for you, OxYou have devised this handy and 100% accurate quiz. Just tally up how many As, Bs, and Cs you pick and your results will be revealed at the end!

Pick a stranger to get off with:

A) Man from Queen’s in a BoohooMAN hoody dancing awkwardly by the bar

B) Girl who won’t stop asking you if you’re from Surrey too

C) Girl in piercings and fishnets who pays for your Jagerbombs but also looks like she might hate you

him. People he’s never met before but who have 349 mutual friends on Facebook suddenly pop up on messenger with a little message that invariably involves far too many exclamation marks. Rordon’s only wish for this year is that they’ll stay friends past seventh week. The last few times it’s happened Rordon has been left feeling a little miffed; he went for a nice coffee, but then several of his new friends dragged him to a funny old building and made him stand in a queue and tick boxes before hurriedly disappearing. Rordon just can’t seem to hack it.

BREAKING: QUEEN STILL ALIVE AND STILL QUEEN

News has been spreading like wildfire across our university city this weekend that the Queen is, in fact, still alive, and, what’s more, still Queen. Students across Oxford have been left astounded by this discovery, which naturally calls for a four day national holiday and countless celebrations of our glorious monarchy that has never caused a single controversy. Although Oxford students will not be benefiting from this bank holiday,

What item is most likely to be found in your pocket when you go on a night out?

A) 10000 Elf bars

B) My baccie (rah)

C) Poppers

What do you most want to hear on the dancefloor?

A) Come On Eileen

B) Dance remix of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran

C) Doja Cat at 1.5x speed

What are you wearing to the club? (If you’re a man, skip this question as you’re almost definitely wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans.)

A) My biggest, stompiest trainers so I can trip into everyone on the dancefloor, and in the queue

B) Urban Outfitters Josie top, Urban Outfitters cargo trousers (in white or khaki), Urban Outfitters crystal necklace (but I promise I bought it in Bali), Nike Air Forces, curtain bangs

C) Leather, denim, and glitter – in whatever combination feels right

More questions can be found online!

If you got mostly As: go to ATIK/PARK END

Sporting the best and also most embarrassing cheese floor in the OX postcode, Park End on a Wednesday should hit the spot for you. So long as you don’t mind smoking by a rancid set of bins, having access to toilets that flush, or being yelled at by some of the worst bouncers in the country, you’re sure to have a great night. Don’t trip going up the stairs with those VKs…

If you got mostly Bs: go to BRIDGE

You’re probably the kind of person who uses the word ‘vibey’ non-ironically, so head off to Bridge where I hear that adjective has been used to describe the vibrant smoking area. You probably don’t care too much for dancing, because the quality of music and dancefloors at Bridge definitely doesn’t cater to that need. Order a double vodka coke and the music is bound to sound lots better.

If you got mostly Cs: go to PLUSH

You must be an absolute animal to dedicate yourself to a night in Plush. In the smoky depths lies the hallowed cave of Tuesgays, a guaranteed good night if you don’t mind people vaping in your face, poppers, or the staff plying you with Jagerbombs. Prepare to get sweaty – but just don’t touch the walls…

as the university frowns upon taking any sort of a break (even one to celebrate something old and aggressively British), there have been numerous college festivities this week, in which more money is invested into free Union-Jackshaped chocolate than has ever been put towards students’ welfare. Rordon looks forward to the next time the country realises the Queen has been Queen for quite a long time.