The Paw Print April Fools Satire Edition 2019
The Bachelor Continued
Global Warming The Next Bachelor A 2000s Revival The Forgotten Beatle Awkward Eye Contact Disease
Contents 2 A 2000s Revival
News Editors News Writers
6 RateMyStudents.com 10 Jonathan Welch: The Next Bachelor 14 The Forgotten Beatle 18 West Ranch’s New Marco Polo Team 22 AP Biology is a Pyramid Scheme
Features Editors Features Writers
Editorials Editors Editorials Writers A&E Editors A&E Writers Sports Editors Sports Writers Copy Editor Social Media Editors Web Editor Web Editor-in-Chief Design Editor Design Editor-in-Chief Editors-in-Chief Adviser
26 The Truth About Vaccines
Ryan Factora Zoey Greenwald Jessica Son Shanzay Hassan Seabrijn Hutson Siena Zarrell Hannah Kim Alyssa Truong Brooke Johnston Katie Luo Alexa Empleo Ashley Park Sophia Kriegel Iman Baber Minjoon Kang Quynn Lubs Chika Ma Sydney Young Mary Waugh Emily Chang Erin Eskoff Jasleen Arora Daniel Lee Jay Singh Noah Neri Zachary Singer Harneet Arora Aerin Choi Christine Joo Timothy Kang Jay Park Allison Alben Skijler Hutson Audrey Kim Mina Jang Ms. Grothe
Benefits of Global Warming Story by Quynn Lubs Graphics by Timothy Kang Global warming has been discussed by scientists and the government since 1986, and nothing has been done to prevent our planet from heating up. However, many experts believe that climate change could be beneficial to society. According to climate scientist Jane McGregor, the melting ice caps combined with rising ocean levels could actually create more vacation spots across the planet. In an interview with The Paw Print, McGregor said, “Think about it -- if there is more ocean, doesn’t that mean there are more beaches? Without ice caps in the way, we can manufacture an imitation beach, with tons of sand and palm trees that we can physically put where the ice caps used to be. With more water, we can also create more beaches across America and other countries. This not only benefits the people, making vacations less expensive, but it helps the economy of all countries, especially those that are overlooked when choosing a vacation.” Rather than denying the fact that climate change exists while we make money off of a constant flow of oil into our oceans, it would be favorable to make money off of the increase in beaches. More water in the ocean would also dilute the amount of oil that exists in the water, killing two birds with one stone. More money and a cleaner environment would lead to a happy planet. How can we argue with the facts? Due to climate change, the number of named beaches on the planet could increase by 63 percent (from around 400 to nearly 650). Worldwide beaches would keep everybody happy -- no more driving hours to the nearest coastline, no more flying to Hawaii every summer and leaving the rural states empty, no more spending hundreds of your well-earned paychecks to travel. The beaches will be abundant. The lack of agriculture could also benefit the world’s economy. Over time, droughts and heat waves will make
growing food incredibly difficult. While this seems like a scary, dangerous thing, it will actually benefit the world in the long run. With less of a product available, the prices will go up, therefore making more money for farmers and, in turn, the economy of the entire country. The countries that have always experienced hotter temperatures would be able to easily adapt to the heat that comes with global warming, and they could provide the world with enough food to last until the rest of the planet adapts. These countries would then increase their nationwide net worth, gaining more money than it costs to grow their food. After the rest of the world is able to find specific crops that grow in their new environments, overseas trading will power Earth’s economy. Lastly, the most obvious upside would be the increase in temperature across the globe. Every single part of the world would have the same weather as California -- the place everybody moves to when they want to escape the cold weather of their home. This would keep everybody happy, from New York to the UK, and even California itself. With fewer people moving to the Golden State for the weather, the prices of houses and apartments would heavily decrease. This way, those already residing in California would experience the benefits of inexpensive housing. No more studio apartments in LA that are $2,000 a month -- prices of California homes could decrease by nearly 45 percent. Global warming has been a threat to society for decades. It’s time to get rid of the stigma and begin embracing the world that we have created. Everyone can benefit from climate change, and since we have been keeping this do-nothing attitude for nearly 30 years, it’s time we turn our mistakes into positives. Let us look on the bright side of climate change.
a 2000s a 2000s revival. revival.
JONAS BROTHERS' COMEBACK SPARKS REVIVAL OF OTHER 2000S TRENDS Story by Mary Waugh Graphics by Emily Chang On Feb. 28, fans of all ages were shocked when the Jonas Brothers posted a picture on Instagram hinting at a new song. A few days later, thousands of fans across the world, all in retirement after the band’s six-year-long hiatus, were brought back together with the release of the Jonas Brothers’ brand new hit song “Sucker” on March 1. As soon as the song was released, news outlets and headlines alike flooded with nostalgic news. Feeling inspired by the Jonas Brothers’ epic comeback, even more of our cherished Disney stars have announced their reunion including One Direction (1D), Big Time Rush, Hannah Montana and Aly and AJ, just to name a few. The release of “Sucker” has even pressured the members of 1D into reuniting with the sole purpose of topping the Jonas Brothers as “Billboard Top Comeback of 2019.” In addition, “Jelena” fans have been celebrating ever since Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were reportedly caught kissing -- in spite of Bieber’s marriage to Hailey
Baldwin. Not only has the Jonas Brothers’ comeback encouraged old artists back into the spotlight, but it has also provoked the rebirth of early 2000s trends. Within the past few weeks, old trends have exploded back into the mainstream with students around campus seen strutting in full Juicy Couture Tracksuits. Along with this, an Instagram challenge encouraging “everything bedazzled” has gone viral. (Kids are even bedazzling their Airpod cases.) Another popular comeback is the Justin Bieber hair swoop, with boys of all ages seen sporting this hairstyle. It was even reported that wig sales have boomed in revenue within the past month as those who don’t have long hair haven’t been able to adopt the hairstyle. Looking around campus, one is transported back into the year 2000, and it’s almost as if we had never left the days of fringe on fringe and colored feathers hanging in girls’ hair.
Operation
Varsity Blue And Gold
The Scandal That Took West Ranch By Storm Story by: Sophia Kriegal
The Scandal On March 22, 2019, West Ranch High School senior, Jackson Brundage, was arrested for fraud. Brundage is accused of paying the head coach of the Varsity basketball team $50,000 in order to say he was not only a member, but captain of the team, on his college applications. When the news broke, Brundage was said to be relaxing on Coach Mann’s Caribbean yacht as a pre-spring break getaway. He departed the vessel upon notice and was detained later that week. Evidence shows that Brundage hired a professional editor to photoshop him into the team photo, which he attached to his college applications as “proof” of his position. While the editor remains unnamed, we believe he used the popular Instagram influencer app, Facetune, to complete the project. Sources claim that they never saw this coming, as Brundage fit in so well with the rest of the team. Some even believe that this case is simply a tall tale, told to tarnish Brundage’s reputation.
Anonymous sources put in a tip to the school about his crimes when they noticed senior Ethan Holroyd, who stands at 6”5, wearing a jersey with Brundage’s name on it and pretending to be him in college interviews. In addition to this, Brundage posted a series of strange Snapchats of the LA Fit basketball court. Witnesses say they watched Brundage enter the gym, take the photograph, and depart, without actually playing the sport.
The Aftermath Brundage remains in federal penitentiary and is await-
ing trial. In the meantime, the popular television show “One Tree Hill” that Brundage starred in as a child has now blurred out his face in all episodes. Further, his celebrity castmastes have all unfollowed him on instagram and he has been stripped of his Twitter verification. While there has been no final verdict on the case, it is likely that the investigation will lead to the withdrawal of all of Brundage’s college applications.
RateMyStudents.com Story by Chika Ma Graphics by Timothy Kang RateMyTeachers.com is a well-known website for students and teachers that allows students to anonymously rate their teachers out of five stars in helpfulness, easiness, clarity, knowledge and an overall rating. It has been very beneficial to students when it comes to them choosing their classes, so they know what they are getting themselves into when applying for a class. But many students also use it to release their anger or annoyance towards a certain teacher. Recently, however, The Paw Print discovered the truth about RateMyTeachers.com: There is a sister website called RateMyStudents.com run by teachers all across the country. Many teachers at West Ranch had used the website for their students but kept the website hidden until The Paw Print investigated and found out about it. Rate My Students allows teachers to anonymously rate their students out of five stars in behavior, intelligence, academic promise in the future and an overall rating. RateMyStudents.com is not only used for rankings, but it also provides a small profile of the student from hobbies to family life so teachers are able to understand the students better when they enter a classroom. To many teachers, the website is a small “undercover” program for their incoming students. Richard Haring, the ninth grade Biology and Anatomy teacher, is an avid Rate My Students user. The Paw Print was able to get an interview with him to understand more about the website. Haring says, “I really love using RateMyStudents. com. At first, it was to get back at the students that are intolerable during class, but now we [the teachers] use it to really understand a student and communicate within a large group of teachers.” But Haring also shared a big part of RateMyStudents. com: Not only will teachers see your rankings, but
colleges and jobs will, too. “Students have to learn that there are consequences to their actions, and someone is always watching you. Jim Smith, one of my previous students, was ranked two out of five in intelligence, three out of five in the academic promise in the future and three in behavior, and it’s really going to affect him in the future,” Haring told the Paw Print. Ever since this website was leaked, there has been a mixed reaction from many students. “It’s not fair! Some teacher will hate you for no reason and decide to give you a horrible rating. And it’s not fair when colleges look at it and decide I’m not a good person at all by one person’s comment,” Tyler Felipe, a junior at West Ranch, exasperated. Despite the negative feedback, teachers believe that the exposure of RateMyStudents.com will help students work harder in school and be on their best behavior at all times. Their logic: If students have something above their heads that can ultimately affect their grades and their future, they will be motivated to try. Teachers are concerned that during the years of middle school and high school, students fall in a hole of peer pressure, drugs and stereotypes. But with RateMyStudents.com, it will help decrease the negativity and help bring out the best in people. If students are judged on these things that will decide the rest of their life, they have to work hard. While RateMyStudents.com is taking over West Ranch by storm, it has been revealed that more “Rate My” websites will be released like Rate My Relationship, ran by angry couples, and Rate My Sibling, led by children suffering from middle-child syndrome.
"Students have to learn there are consequences to their actions, and someone is always watching you.”
#YouWillNeverControlUs Story and Graphic by Iman Baber Now, like most people, I love technology. It can warm up my food, wake me up in the morning and provide me with entertainment. And, like most, I felt completely devastated and betrayed when rumors surfaced recently that tech giants such as Tapple, Moogle and Glamazon were developing what is described as “Matrix-like” technology to control humans. The leak started with Tapple intern, Johnny Smith. “I remember my first day at work,” he says. “I was so excited to finally be in the big leagues, you know?” However, it took a nasty turn from there. “I remember walking into the office of my manager, sort of unannounced,” Smith describes. “When I walked in, there were blueprints on her desk. I caught a glimpse of the design, and it immediately reminded me of the tech from the movie, you know, “The Matrix”? It looked like one of those pods that Neo wakes up in with all those tubes connected to him.” This startled Smith, just as it would devastate anyone else. When inquiring his manager about the blueprints, Smith says she declined to comment. “She just kind of brushed off my questions, and threw the papers into her desk,” Smith says. Completely shocked by what he witnessed, Smith decided to quit right there and then. He then started a movement, dubbed #YouWillNeverControlUs, to fight against the atrocities of the technology giants. “I decided that I had to do something about it, you know?”
Smith asserts. “After what I had been through, I needed to tell people to prevent this from ever happening.” Smith immediately tweeted his entire experience, along with his hashtag #YouWillNeverControlUs. And what started as a single hashtag exploded into the movement it is today. Millions of people across the globe tweeted their support of the ban of technology companies. Even celebrities jumped onboard and showed their support. UTubers such as BeezyBee dedicated livestreams on their channels to their lives without technology. Hundreds of others posted angry rants about the betrayal of the companies they once loved so dearly. One such rant can be seen on the channel of user ANGRYRANDOMdude1005. “I KNEW IT!” he asserts. “I always knew it! They’re trying to control us! For all we know, we could all be inside a fake universe right now! All just lines of code inside one of their sneaky machines! So, now Moogle is telling me I can get one of their self driving cars? No, thank you! There’s nothing wrong with the old-fashioned GPS and your own hands on the wheel!” Moogle, Glamazon and Tapple have declined to comment on the rumors. I myself, have dedicated to the tech-free lifestyle. Well, almost tech-free. I still need to utilize the Moogle machine for my homework. And alarms. And to keep my food from rotting. But otherwise, I consider myself a full-fledged supporter of the #YouWillNeverControlUs movement, and I am excited to see what it can accomplish in the future.
#RESIST
Schools are putting too much emphasis on the Arts Story by Jessica Son
“Only pursue STEM as a hobby!” “You can’t make money with STEM.” “STEM fields are risky.” The science, technology, engineering and mathematics fields, better known as STEM fields, immediately bring up these thoughts. Schools are spending way too much time on the arts, considering technology and science majors to be insignificant. Because the arts are the most common career paths, sciences are not as emphasized. “One thing I don’t really like about schools are how the arts are viewed as the only option for careers,” says West Ranch student Helen Arkansas. “I feel like because they are so mainstream, people are taking art classes just for GPA.” It is a well-known fact that most of the APs and honors classes are clustered within the art fields. Such classes include AP Drawing with a Pencil, AP Drawing with a Pen, and even honors classes such as Honors Acrylic Painting. Only a couple of science classes are offered, and they lower GPA, so it is expected that most people would pursue arts instead. Classes like marine biology and physics are regular classes that leave less space for the AP arts. According to a poll, 88 percent of students were contemplating the arts as a career over sciences, but 65 percent stated that science was their favorite subject. The problem is not lack of enthusiasm about the STEM fields; the problem is lack of opportunities that help students feel comfortable pursuing their passions.
Furthermore, sciences are considered less important or are only offered as club activities, and many of our school’s scientists are feeling considerably left out. The biology club and physics club is the only way for people to get involved in the sciences, and these clubs are extremely underfunded. “There is an Art Olympiad, numerous APs in the art field, and Art as a requirement for graduation,” said Arkansas. “Where do scientists fit into all of this?” Students now have limited career paths and opportunities to expand on their passions. With schools only emphasizing the arts, people who are more science-oriented are put at a significant disadvantage. STEM has been underrepresented for a while now, and the students of West Ranch and of other schools don’t have enough outlets to display their skill set.
“I feel like because [the arts] are so mainstream, people are taking art classes just for GPA.”
We’ve got some exciting news for you, Bachelor Nation. The Paw Print has recently snagged an exclusive interview with the highly-anticipated newcomer set to star on Season 24 of ”The Bachelor.” His name? Mr. Jonathan Welch.
Get ready to meet the man of your dreams, ladies. As an AP Economics teacher and sports fanatic, Welch knows how to have a good time while being financially smart about it. He boasts a natural charm and fantastic sense of humor certain to impress this season’s women who are eager to find love — his secret? “I have a younger sister who has given me lots of tips on how to woo the ladies,” said Jon. Of course, even the most desirable of men experience heartbreak, and Jonathan is no stranger to the ups and downs of dating. “It’s been an absolute train wreck,” said Jon of his previous relationship experience. “I felt like a reality show would be my ticket to finally finding the love of my life.” When asked about what he hopes to find at the end of his journey on the Bachelor, his answer was simple: “Well, it’d be cliché to say my soulmate, so let’s see… someone I can bring home to Mom.” After an exciting season promised to be filled with tears, candle-lit dinners, and a shocking finale, hopefully Jonathan will be able to find just that.
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Story by Audrey Kim Photos by Audrey Kim
Q Q & A
Q: What was your hometown like? A: “Lots of country girls, and I’m not just into that—or their animals.” Q: What is one movie everyone should watch? A: “‘Wayne’s World.’ It’s arguably the greatest movie ever made.” Q: What do you do in your free time? A: “Besides long walks on the beach? Knitting and watching reruns of the ‘Golden Girls.’” Q: What is the best gift you’ve ever received? A: The brand new car my parents bought me.
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Q: What do you value most in life? A: “Making sure everyone likes me.”
Q: Go-to pick-up line? A: “It’s a good thing I have my library card, ‘cause I’m checking you out.”
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Q: What is your ideal first date? A: “Show up at her house because she’s going to drive. Go to dinner, which she’s going to pay for. Then grab some dessert, which she’s also going to pay for. Then we’d finish it off at my place so I can kick her out before midnight.” Q: What qualities do you look for in a significant other? A: “She has to be taller than me. Obviously she can’t be better looking than I am. She can’t be funnier than me either.” Q: What’s the greatest advice youve ever been given? A: “I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just going to ask where they’re going and meet up with them later.” Q: Do you have any secret talents? A: “I juggle chainsaws.” Q: If your life had a theme song what would it be? A: “‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina and the Waves.”
STUDENTS
BANNED
FROM CAMPUS
Story and photos by Alexa Empleo
West Ranch Administration announced on April 1 that students will no longer be able to enter campus grounds due to the large increase of litter, spilled drinks and vandalism. The ban was introduced this February when the administration banned students from the core. The problem in the cores and around campus has risen steadily over the past few school years, but it seems this time around, the school board can no longer take it. This banishment of students in the core has decreed that students are unable to utilize the many printers, computers and learning spaces that were built and bought for the purpose of education. The teachers will now have the liberty to take advantage of all those materials, as if they didn’t have their own. With that, the prohibition of students in the campus will be similar, affecting only students and allowing teachers to stay for their benefit. All West Ranch students must still report to front of the gate every weekday for attendance. Each student must line up on a first come first serve basis, and the patrolling staff will do head counts, taking up to an estimated three to four hours. After having their attendance marked, students will proceed to study either in their cars or a space on the streets, and after finding a spot of their own, all lessons and homework will be streamed live by their teacher through YouTube. Students must provide their own Wifi hotspots or data in order to tune in to the live sessions. Failure to do so will result in an immediate F in the class. “It’s a matter of responsibility,” says an anonymous teacher. “Through these measures, our students will be able
to witnessand exercise, first hand, the realistic conditions of the adult world: time consumption and constant spending that will make you cry at the end of the day. It’s great practice!” The downside to this legislation is that the litter, spilled drinks and vandalism can and will still occur, but this time it will be outside of the campus. When asked about this flaw in the system, a campus supervisor responds: “It won’t be a problem as long as the campus is clean. West Ranch High School has a reputation to uphold. We have to do what’s best for our staff and provide discipline.” Ninety-five percent of the student body responded positively to this measure. Freshman Gary Stinson talks about how this change is for the better: “I’m so tired of sitting around in classrooms all day. You sit away from your friends because the teacher said so, and sometimes you miss out on the weather -- like the hail or rain or whatever. I wasn’t able to go out and experience that once in a lifetime opportunity because I was inside the classroom. Now, having no choice but to stay outside, we’ll all finally be able to be with our friends and experience all sorts of extreme weather 24/7. It honestly doesn’t get better than that.” West Ranch will set an example for the other schools in the district, hopefully encouraging them to implement this new prohibition over time. The core banishment, which resulted in staying out in the extreme weather and the inability to utilize the many educational materials the district has provided is only the beginning. The prohibition will be fully enacted in the next 2019-2020 school year.
Mr. Blaugrund Story by Siena Zarrell and Aerin Choi Graphics by Katie Luo and Audrey Kim
Here comes the sun on Mr. Blaugrund’s career —not as a teacher but as the fifth, forgotten member of The Beatles. West Ranch is very proud of the news that its AP English Language and English 10 teacher was buddy-buddies with John, Paul, George and Ringo. In fact, he became the leader of the band when he saved them from garage gigs, children’s birthday parties, and bat mitzvahs with the mere shake of a tambourine. It was fate that brought the band together, or more specifically, Craigslist. Mr. Blaugrund was perusing the web when he discovered their ad. They were The Countepillars before he brought his mad diction skills to the table and dubbed the band as The Beatles. With his melodic jingles, Blaugrund kickstarted the band on their journey to success. But even as they began to land bigger gigs, Blaugrund felt his talent was being stifled by his band mates. After a short but meaningful 23 days, Blaugrund launched his solo career.
This was a hard hit to the band mates as they mourned their loss by composing songs like “Hey Jed,” “All You Need is Jed” and “Let Him Be.” The song titles were changed before they were released to the public, but the underlying meaning remains as a tribute to their missing member. While The Beatles’ career flourished, Blaugrund’s solo endeavors never took off, and he decided to settle down as a family man. In the classroom, he has several posters of the Beatles plastered on his walls as a reminder of what could have been. He also uses the annual showing of the movie “Yellow Submarine” to teach his students to always stay humble. The world may not remember the man who single-handedly shot the Beatles to stardom; however, his legacy at West Ranch lives on. The Beatles are remembered as a group of four, but they will never forget where they began: as John, Paul, George, Ringo and Jed.
Awkward Eye Contact Disease: The Epidemic
Story by Katie Luo Graphics by Timothy Kang Each year, trillions are diagnosed with incommodious ocular convergence, commonly referred to as awkward eye contact, or AEC. This relentless disease affects people of any age, any gender and any race; as long as they have at least one eye, they are fair game. Currently, 99 percent of the global population has been affected by AEC. The remaining one percent of the population consists of those isolated individuals who live in the mountains of Siberia or in their parent’s basement, playing video games all day. Symptoms for this fatal illness include permanent brain damage, scarring of the eyes, post traumatic stress disorder, and the most deadly, awkwardness. Although these symptoms are not reversible, AEC can be prevented. One possible solution is the smartphone phenomenon; the rising number of smartphones circulating the population, especially the younger generations, may cause AEC rates to drop in the future. Through smartphones and other devices, people have no reason to look up from their screens or make any form of social interaction at all. These revolutionary devices have essentially stopped the need for human contact and may possibly save the world from this awful plague. Specialists have also developed a simple 23-step treatment to ensure total immunity from AEC. The treatment begins with the cleansing of the eyes and finishes with placing a blindfold over them, forcing the individual to retire their eyes and only rely on their other senses. This cure went on to inspire Netflix’s famous, awardwinning original, “Bird Box.” Sandra Bullock herself had been diagnosed with AEC since she was two years old, and she has suffered at the hands of AEC for almost her entire life. In an interview, Bullock said, “Filming ‘Bird Box’ has definitely been the most surreal moment of my life. It truly does reflect what patients with awkward eye contact have to go through on a daily basis,” she continued, “but the good part is that it does bring a lot of awareness towards the subject which is just great.”
Bullock, among many other celebrities like Shaquille O’Neal, Paris Hilton and Gordon Ramsay, are working together to raise money for AEC mainly through benefit concerts. Former West Ranch student Stevie Wonder, who attended the Ranch in the 80s, shares his story battling with awkward eye contact: “It feels like it was only yesterday when it happened. It was my senior year of high school. I woke up as if it was any other day, but little did I know that that was the day I’d be struck by the disease. I was walking down the halls of West Ranch when all a sudden, an abrupt urge compelled me to look up. My eyes were met by another pair, and at that moment, time stood still. Everything was still. All I could see before me were the almond-shaped eyes of a stranger staring back at me--” In the interview, Wonder was unable to continue after this sentence because the mere thought of the experience was too traumatizing, and he was escorted back to his room in the insane asylum. Shortly after his expisode at West Ranch, Wonder was diagnosed with AEC and fell into a coma. However, there was one minor side effect: Wonder was no longer able to see. Not only did Wonder become fully blind, but he also began showing symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder from the event. After being admitted into the local insane asylum, he went on to produce all his greatest hits. Wonder is quoted: “The asylum is my sanctuary. I feel my creative juices can truly flow here.” AEC has affected the lives of one too many people, and it’s time to fight back. This epidemic will not go out of sight any longer. It is time for change. If we can all stand together as one insightful nation, we can defeat awkward eye contact. We will monopol-eye-ze all smartphones until we have become one ourselves. Eye-deally, we will completely dispense the use of eyes. No longer will our people suffer at the hands of diseasel it make a spectacle of us. As one, we can make this vision a reality. Tell your friends, families, or even your pupils. It is time to open your eyes and see the bigger picture.
“everything was still. All I could see before me were the almondshaped eyes of a stranger staring back at me--”
MARCO POLO
PLANS TO JOIN WEST RANCH’S ATHLETIC PROGRAM Story and Photos by Jay Singh
Have you heard about the new sport joining West Ranch’s long list of athletic programs? A reliable anonymous source in West Ranch’s administration stated their desire to add the classic swimming pool game Marco Polo. While keeping this extremely trustworthy information in mind, let’s take a look at why West Ranch made the correct decision in choosing Marco Polo to be the newest sport in our long list of athletic programs. Marco Polo is one of the most entertaining sports ever created. All good sports need a competitive aspect to be interesting, and Marco Polo has it in spades. The downright vicious competitiveness will be great entertainment for those that choose to watch the sport. The tension and anxiety created while yelling “Marco!” will make watching the sport a unique experience. This experience of watching a Marco Polo match will be equal to, if not even greater than, the rush given during the most popular sports at West Ranch: basketball and football. To prove this, a member of the Paw Print went around campus, West Ranch TV style, asking students and staff if they would attend a Marco Polo match. The answer was a resounding yes; many even began to get a bit teary-eyed at the prospect of hearing the words “Marco” and “Polo” over and over again at the highest stage of high school competition. A senior that preferred to stay anonymous stated that he would rather “watch a Marco Polo match than a football game. Football is just a bunch of dudes throwing their bodies at each other and getting concussions. Marco Polo has nuance and actually requires skill”. Another important reason why administration chose to add a Marco Polo team is that there is already a viable structure for coaching in place. Kearsten Livingstone, the West Ranch Swim and Dive instructor, has agreed to coach a Marco Polo team if one is created. “Marco Polo has always been one of my favorite games to play. I
would be happy to supervise and coach a team if one is formed.” With a coach already in place, as well as a pool that is already being rented out by West Ranch, the foundations needed to get a Marco Polo team off the ground swimming, pun intended, are already in place. The last, and possibly most important, reason for West Ranch adding a Marco Polo team is that there is already a long line of students that want to join the team. Despite West Ranch’s numerous athletic programs, many students aren’t able to crack the lineups of the most prestigious sports teams. This has led to these students living a boring, “sportless” life. So with a new team being officially sponsored by West Ranch, many of these students will try out for the team. In addition, the Marco Polo team would be helped by Rob Berry, a junior at West Ranch. He has been playing the sport since he was able to swim, age three to be exact, and he is nationally ranked in the country with the most Marco Polo wins in the entire USA. He has committed to USC, the most prestigious Marco Polo school in the nation and has earned a full-ride scholarship for his athletic efforts. “I’m really excited to play for West Ranch in the sport I love. Marco Polo has really dominated my life throughout the years, I have spent countless hours in a pool conditioning my body to be at peak physical form. I’m ready to compete in Marco Polo, finally exhibiting West Ranch’s blue and gold.” Overall, a Marco Polo team at West Ranch makes perfect sense. There is already a universal excitement to watch the sport, a coaching staff in place, and a long list of students hoping to join the team, including a distinguished star. The only element that could possibly be missing is a pool at West Ranch, which could always be fixed by adding one between the men and women’s locker rooms. West Ranch, get ready for a Marco Polo team; the most exciting sport of the past century is finally ready to join our prestigious athletic program.
Middle School Athletes Signed to Play in High School
Story by Zach Singer and Noah Neri Graphic by Timothy Kang
Falling just short of winning some big titles, West Ranch High School has been searching for ways to ensure their success in future CIF competition. After much deliberation, the Athletic Department has finally reached a conclusion: West Ranch High School will now be actively recruiting middle school athletes to play high school sports. This process would be similar to the college recruiting process with official signed contracts, though, because they are underage, athletes must receive consent from a legal guardian before committing to play. The motive is simple: to win at any and all cost. Here’s how it’s going to work: Students from any middle school in Santa Clarita can submit a training video of themselves to any West Ranch coach showing off some of their best plays and moves. Then, the coaching staff of that selected sport and school will review the videos and, if necessary, choose to scout the athlete. Hopefully, after this long and strenuous process, the athlete will be accepted to play elite athletics at West Ranch High School. The contract will require that athletes play all four years of high school and will commit to being a full-time player both in and out of season. However, the payment from the contracts are relatively unknown at this point. Expect an amount in the hundreds of thousands for the “best” players on their respective teams. As for non-varsity level athletes, a salary somewhere in the 50,000’s sounds about right. The contracts will be awarded based on level of play. This means that the larger impact players have on the games, the more money they receive. Sorry benchwarmers, you’ll still get your money, too. But on
a serious note, this will encourage the students to excel and try to be the best. However, this could remove the players’ amateur status, rendering them ineligible for college play. When informed about this, one West Ranch coach stated incredulously, “That’s a rule? Well, we’ll figure that out when we get there.” Though it is still possible to make the team through the normal process of tryouts, signed athletes will receive a few incentives that make the four year commitment much more appealing. In addition to a major salary, students will receive private coaching, free tutoring services, free lunches and free game day and warm up apparel. A West Ranch spokesperson told The Paw Print: “We want to be head and shoulders above our competition. Although the NCAA still has a ban on contracts and sponsorships, we figured we would get ahead of the curve and implement these changes. Providing these benefits for our athletes will give them just the slightest advantage, and hopefully lead us to playoff success.” This is massive news for the future endeavors of the West Ranch Athletic Departments. College athletes aren’t even getting paid yet, so West Ranch High School is making history worldwide. The “Home of the Wildcats” is the first school to announce these plans. This could eventually lead to a nationwide takeover with more schools and districts hopping aboard the fresh, new wave of high school sports. The Paw Print would like to congratulate West Ranch for taking on this new endeavor. Hopefully this change will work out for the better. The Wildcats have clawed their way to history, and there’s no turning back!
AP Bio is a Pyramid Scheme
Story by Shanzay Hassan Graphic by Jessica Son
Every other day of a freshman’s life, they are likely to encounter the Randy Smith. With a “you’re such a stud muffin” here and an “are you ready, folks?” there, Mr. Smith teaches one of the most disgusting topics in the history of academics: biological life. And isn’t it ironic that he is the one sucking the very youth out of all of us? The boss of all education, the College Board, has been using new technology to lure perspective AP Bio teachers into believing that they are actually passionate about the study of life and inspiring children. AP Biology teachers are just an army of pawns in a well-orchestrated, systematic attempt at draining students’ childhoods. Teachers collect the youth for the College Board heads’ -- and supposedly teachers’ -- own anti-aging agent. Supposedly, teachers. Supposedly. The officers of College Board would have students spending their free time studying a rigid curriculum learning how to spit out canned answers to arcane questions. They store the wasted youth in jars and drink a sip every minute. They store these jars in their office refrigerators for preservation. The wrinkles jump off of their faces, and they become genuinely happy people. An enzyme called vacuumoftheyouth-inase, that catalyzes a series of reactions, regulates the gene expression in the people who consume it. It slows the transcription rate of mRNA molecules that code for aging hormones or pigments like melanin in the hair and eyes. The business lures innocent human beings in with all the so-called “benefits” of working as an AP Biology teacher by offering them a portion of the youth gained from the course -- a portion of the money. In reality, they are not gaining those things, but instead have the illusion of free will blinding them from reality. Additionally, soon-to-be AP Biology teachers are offered more of these benefits with each student that they enroll. From there, each AP Biology teacher offers students an A in the class in return for their
enrollment of at least five other kids. In the true spirit of a pyramid scheme, the students recruited by the first batch of students then go and recruit more students, and both the recruiters and recruiter of recruiters, including Mr. Smith, get a cut of the dough. This way, the teachers feel as if they are being rewarded more when, in fact, College Board (without actually doing any work) is the ultimate consumer of all the benefits. Youth allows for the freedom of exploration. And no, not exploration within the abyss of papers containing that one worksheet that was due today. Youth allows for freedom to explore interest: the love and longing of creation. It’s understandable that when that is lost, one would like it back. Meanwhile, students are learning about mycorrhizae and each enzyme that catalyses every step of the citric acid cycle. Definitely necessary, and definitely aging. These concepts are supposed to be grasped by older folks. The time-managing skills needed to finish all of this useless work are supposed to be skills in the workplace. When students are given a week to study for a test, they consciously and voluntarily give up everything except food and “bio breaks” (bathroom time) to study photosynthesis. (After all, they do live and breathe through aerobic respiration, and in dire situations, can perform anaerobic respiration, too). Every tear and for those who don’t cry, every bead of sweat, sacrificed to the anxiety of AP Biology yields this “youth” the College Board is consuming. By the end of the winter semester, students have a brief period of time to rejuvenate their youth since they are not in a confined classroom with only the teacher as a supervisor. However, immediately after winter break ends, Mr. Smith immediately gets his students back on the aging train. Summer is the only opportunity for students to truly get their youth back from AP Biology and age at a normal pace thereafter.
VALENCIA, CA — Concepts about cultural appropriation have not been rare in recent weeks. From a newly released and swiftly pulled-from-stock Gucci sweater to a pair of shoes promoted by pop star Katy Perry’s personal fashion brand, both accused of depicting blackface, accusations of cultural appropriation have been rightly applied to many a modern-day fashion statement. This is not the first time Katy Perry has been under fire for such cultural appropriation. In a music video in 2014, she donned cornrows; during the 2013 American Music Awards, she dressed as a geisha. And each time, the media called her out for it. Of course the premiere example of cultural appropriation as fashion in recent memory is the array of appropriative costumes at popular music festival Coachella — count in Native American headdresses and Indian bindis as supplying the white millennial crowd with enough general “hippie” points to stomach camping out in a literal desert and doing slightly harder drugs than usual. But the reign of this overt cultural appropriation — at least on the individual scale — is largely over. Coachella is no longer the hottest ticket in town, and the new generation is more conscious of the harm we do when we take symbols from cultures that are not our own and turn them into frivolous fashion trends.
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LET A WHITE GIRL WEAR A TRADITIONAL CHINESE DRESS TO PROM, AND TWITTER TURNS UNTO HER A FIRESTORM. LET NATIVE AMERICAN HEADDRESSES BE FEATURES IN THE VICOTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW, AND THE BOYCOTT LASTS FOR WEEKS.
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Or are we? Urban Outfitters sells Doc Martens. Let me repeat that: Urban Outfitters. Sells. Doc Martens. Let a white girl wear a traditional Chinese dress to prom, and Twitter turns unto her a firestorm. Let Native American headdresses be featured in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, and the boycott lasts for weeks. But where is the justice for the culture which has, in recent months, been most appropriated? Where is justice for the Punks? YouTube celebrity Emma Chamberlain is not a Punk. Yet our traditional garb can be spotted on her feet, mixed unsettlingly in Instagram mood boards with Photoshopped cups of iced coffee, bright pink scrunchies and cozy, plush pull-over sweaters. (And no, not the vintage sweater aligned with the Sweater-Punk movement). These shoes, native to the Punk scene at its birth in London, have long been a staple in Punk culture. They are worn by almost all Punks in traditional Punk ceremonies (shows — not concerts — shows) as well as in everyday life. Their appropriation by so-called “Locals” is indicative of a larger co-option of Punk culture for fashion by today’s youths. Scholars have noted a distinct worry for the plausible disappearance of Punk culture altogether within the matter of a decade. And because of social media stars’ relative influence, this particularly egregious form of Cultural Appropriation has (unlike the Native American headdresses or Gucci’s blackface sweater) bled down to the general public as a fashion trend. Even here, on the very West Ranch campus that we tread every single day, the trend is rampant. Doc Martens grace the feet of cheerleaders — cheerleaders. Girls with Bible verses in their Instagram bios can be spotted layering grunge band T-shirts over black-andwhite striped long-sleeve shirts. It should simply not be acceptable to don those huge cross earrings or wallet chains — yes, wallet chains — without acknowledging the history of the people who have suffered for decades to preserve the rare, beautiful culture that you are now wearing as a fashion statement. If we, as a society, deem this cultural appropriation to be absolutely unacceptable, then it will stop. We have the power to respect and honor this ancient (does the ‘80s count as ancient?) culture so that it is preserved for generations to come. For any “Locals” reading, I have only one message: Step away from the Doc Martens. The Nikes are right there. Story by Zoey Greenwald Graphic by Timothy Kang
MARTENS
CULTURAL APPROPRIATION
RADICAL
CENTRISM Story by Ryan Factora Graphic by Timothy Kang
In a political era marked by constant conflict, tension and debate between Republicans and Democrats, America is in dire need for a new generation of political thinkers. Luckily, in recent years, a young, free, independent thinker has emerged as the forefront of political ideology. “I would definitely identify myself as fiscally conservative, but social liberal,” said Doug Galloway, accredited author and New Age thinker. “I definitely believe that in a pressing social issue, we need to be concerned about the structural inequality that is plaguing the black community, but, there’s no way in hell that the government is going to use my tax dollars to solve that.” Many of us have heard of the horseshoe theory -- the theory of politics that posits that the far left and far right, rather than being diametrically opposed to each other, are really very much the same. However, Galloway, in his book, “Hyper-Horseshoe Theory: Both Sides are the Same”, argues instead, that the political spectrum instead exists as a “hyper-horseshoe.” “So the hyper-horseshoe theory posits that instead of a two-dimensional horseshoe, the political spectrum actually exists in four-dimensions,” explains Galloway. “However, when we look at this four-dimensional horseshoe in two dimensions, we perceive it as a singularity. In other words, not only are the far-left and the far-right the same, but the center-far left, center-far right, center left, center right, left, right, and center -- they’re all the same political ideology.” But in the face of all this monotony, what are citizens supposed to do? Well, Galloway has the answer for that too. “I don’t really vote anymore because I think all of politics are really the same,” said Galloway. “I mean both sides are really the same. Like, on the right there’s literal white supremacists and neo-nazis, but on the left there’s those gosh darn socialists who want free healthcare and education. What am I supposed to do when I’m faced with these choices?” So what then should be the ideal world that all citizens strive for according to Galloway? “So, first of all, I think there should be a socialist uprising in order to achieve an anarcho-capitalist society based on the non-aggression principle,” espoused Galloway. “Children should have access to universal healthcare and free education, but, of course, only if they can pay for it through their own hard work -- they need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” In order to resolve these contrasting ideals, Galloway always emphasizes the idea of compromise between two
competing ideologies. “When both sides are just as wrong as each other, it’s always important to compromise between the two. For example, my great-great grandfather (very brave man by the way), was a radical centrist when he was alive during the Revolutionary War,” Galloway remarked. “And you know what he said that I hold very dearly to me? ‘The Patriots want to free all 13 of the colonies. The Loyalists don’t want to free all 13 of the colonies. I say both sides are just as wrong as each other -- why can’t we all just compromise and free half of the colonies?’”
The Truth About Vaccines
“I have always chosen
not to vaccinate my three children, but I’m scared now that vaxxers are harming my family.” Story by Seabrijn Hutson Graphics by Timothy Kang and Seabrijn Hutson
On Feb. 30, a car crash occurred down the hill from West Ranch. The result was many frustrated people, including parents. After the crash, Jimmy and Bethany Smith remained unsettled, for their car was totalled. The opposing car’s driver, 16-year-old John Brown, and his parents feel that the crash is not John’s fault. Instead, they believe that the cause of the accident was an effect of John’s vaccinations. As an attempt to make their voices heard, the family has decided to file a lawsuit against their son’s pediatrician. Many stories like this have been shared nationally. Studies have shown that 99 percent of crashes are in the fault of people who get vaccinated. This makes suburban moms worried for their families and loved ones. Mothers have continually expressed their feelings on the matter. One mother, Carron, says, “I’m scared that vaccines are becoming a detriment to society. I have always chosen not to vaccinate my three children, but I’m scared now that vaxxers are harming my family.” It is now believed that steroids are injected into vaccines. Over the past few years, studies from mothersknowbest.com have shown that vaccines can cause reactions such as Eczema. However, these new discoveries about vaccines have not been able uncover why car crashes occur constantly.
Additionally, more studies have been conducted, typically using human blood. Through these studies, childrenshouldntgetvaxxed.edu was able to prove vaccines given to youth can cause car crashes. It shows that people who get vaccinated develop an additional neurotransmitter that interferes with their normal brain function. This often results in blurred vision and erratic behavior, both of which are extremely dangerous when it comes to driving. This caused many parents to outrage. Even with these studies and furious parents, mandatory vaccination laws have been put in place in various states. These type of laws mandate that students must be vaccinated in order to enroll in school. Generally, the government is forcing students to get vaccinated in an attempt to shrink the country’s population. Protests have been occurring nationally to try and make a change in favor of getting rid of vaccine laws. Since this new information has been spreading, new stories have been published that prove vaccines have caused people to drown, get run over, and jump off buildings. All of these stories are starting to make citizens concerned that vaccines cause people to live by the motto “yolo,” or “you only live once.” Warning; please stay clear and safe from these signs. Keep your loved ones close, and stop vaccinating. This will make our nation car crash-free once again!
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