6 minute read
Keep Them Coming
Keep Them Coming
DON’T “YUCK” SOMEONE ELSE’S “YUM”
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By Kristen Thomas
“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.” —Oscar Wilde
We all exist because of sex, but that does not mean all adults are comfortable discussing, accepting, and embracing their sexual expression, let alone others. It’s easy to be less than sex-positive in a world that often stigmatizes and shames sexuality. We could all live healthier, happier lives if we release the negativity around basic human nature.
To me, when people are sex-negative, it’s an opportunity for an educational conversation. The World Health Organization says, “Sexual health, when viewed affirmatively, requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence.”
Sex positivity encourages open and honest conversations about sexuality, consent, pleasure, and sexual diversity, empowering people to acknowledge and explore their desires safely and respectfully. It begins with embracing the inherent value of consensual sexual experiences. It’s about cultivating a mindset that sees sex as a natural and positive part of our lives, free from judgment.
You can absolutely be vanilla in the bedroom and be sex-positive. You can try everything under the sun and be sex-negative or even sex-averse. This isn’t about how much you do, have done, or will try one day.
Sex aversion refers to an individual’s deep-seated discomfort and/or avoidance of anything related to sexuality, while sex negativity is a broad belief that sex is inherently dirty or morally wrong.
Sex-averse folks often feel immense anxiety or disgust at the thought of having sex on their own or in partnership. They may feel disconnected from their desires or be absolutely grossed out by fantasies. They often avoid dating and relationships. In addition, if someone feels physically ill thinking about sex, they are considered sex-repulsed.
In a sex-negative culture, things like sexual expression and orientation are often shrouded in secrecy and shame. People who have sex-negative views might judge others for their proclivities, viewing certain acts, identities, or orientations as deviant or hell-worthy. Sex-negative people often have hard and narrow limits on their own sexual expression, and they can expect others to hold similar values. This mindset can lead to the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes, discrimination, and violence.
I find that people who are on a path of learning to authentically express themselves sexually have had to release sex negativity. Few of us were raised in environments that were affirming of all bodies, identities, genders, and expressions of pleasure. Moving into adulthood involves re-education on almost all these topics.
De-programming and unlearning limiting beliefs to move from negative to positive takes work. Your brain is not going to make new neuropathways on its own.
How can you learn to be more sex-positive?
Consent and Boundaries: At the core of sex positivity lies enthusiastic consent and respect for personal boundaries. It is about understanding that individuals have the right to make decisions about their own bodies and sexual experiences. Recognizing and respecting the boundaries of ourselves and our partners fosters an environment of trust and open communication in relationships. Safety is rooted in giving consent and maintaining boundaries, both physically and emotionally.
Education and Awareness: Sex positivity encourages lifelong learning and ongoing conversations about sexual health, pleasure, and relationships. It involves seeking accurate science-based information, challenging myths and misconceptions, and staying updated on topics such as STIs, gender identity, or kinks. Education empowers you to make informed choices so you may explore in a healthy way. Sometimes you don’t know you’re into something until you read about it and feel that little tingle in your nether regions. Read a book, listen to erotica, and follow sex educators online to expand your awareness.
Sexuality as a Spectrum: Sex positivity embraces the diversity of human sexuality. It acknowledges that sexual orientation, gender identity, and expressions of pleasure are varied and unique to each person. By recognizing and celebrating this spectrum, we create a more inclusive society that values and uplifts all individuals, regardless of their preferences or identities.
Pleasure and Well-being: Sex positivity encourages the pursuit of sexual pleasure as a legitimate and essential aspect of our overall well-being. It emphasizes the importance of prioritizing pleasure, whether it’s through self-exploration, communication with partners, or the incorporation of new experiences and techniques. By embracing pleasure, we tap into our inherent capacity for joy, connection, and personal fulfillment. Try using a daily mantra to help you embrace more pleasure in your life, such as “Pleasure is my birthright” or “I welcome abundant pleasure”.
Sex positivity never means agreeing to perform an act against your will. It also doesn’t mean you must dress a certain way, tell others what you do at The Black Dog on the weekends, or allow access to your body to someone you don’t grant consent. It also doesn’t mean you want to fuck everyone, but we aren’t going to slut-shame those that do.
Sex positivity is about having a mindset that is liberated from societal judgments, stigma, shame, and limitations surrounding sexuality. It allows you to embrace your desires, explore your boundaries, and foster healthy connections with yourself and others. This gives everyone the space to be themselves.
Remember, the journey toward sex positivity begins with self-acceptance and an open mind. Start by reflecting on your own beliefs, attitudes, and past experiences. Write in a journal, call a trusted friend, or talk to a trained professional who will support you and help you challenge internalized shame or negative narratives. Replace them with compassion, curiosity, and a commitment to growth. You could even consider trying to speak to someone who practices the thing you were super judgy about and asking them if they would talk about the topic with you.
If you struggle to move from negative to positive, consider trying to simply shift to neutral. For instance, if you can’t think of anything nice to say about Furries, can you say something neutral such as, “It’s not for me, but I’m sure someone out there really enjoys that?”
Truly, this is the basis of not “yucking” someone else’s “yum.”
Continue to break down the barriers that hinder your sexual freedom and expression. You are not static, and you can absolutely learn to embrace your desires, celebrate pleasure, and allow sex positivity to thrive in your life. You have the power to define and shape your own sexual narrative while allowing space for the differences in us all.
You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.
