6 minute read
Keep Them Coming
Keep Them Coming
BEYOND ROUTINE
By Kristen Thomas
It’s not uncommon for couples to look at each another one day and realize they are in a bit of a dry spell, sexually speaking . Perhaps they haven’t been touching as much, schedules have been hectic, or a medical issue arose that put a pause on all sorts of sex acts. You both agree that you want more sex, but despite your best efforts, no more sex is being had. What do sexologists recommend for this kind of couple?
One of our top suggestions is almost painfully simple and backed by research while also being of the top sigh-inducing conversations in my office when it’s offered.
Scheduling sex could truly change your sex life. Research suggests that people who have great sex lives prioritize intimacy. What better way to prioritize sexy times than to schedule them?
To be clear, let’s consider “sex” as an umbrella term that many acts fall under. We don’t actually want you to schedule intercourse, but rather, schedule times where you both focus on having physical and emotional closeness and then that makes conditions more conducive to having some kind of sex.
Las Vegas-based Sex Coach JO suggests, “Even though we’re setting aside this time, the way most people think about ‘sex’ being ‘intercourse is the goal,’ it’s really about connection.”
In fact, calling it something other than scheduling sex could help you both feel more at ease.
“Rather than using the phrase ‘scheduling sex,’ I actually use phrases like ‘no-pressure sexy time’ or ‘no-pressure connection time,’” says JO.
The concept of scheduling sex or connection time for couples is often brought up within the context of sexless or sex-lacking partnerships. However, scheduling sexy time isn’t reserved only for couples that aren’t banging. It also isn’t just for the unimaginative or super busy. It can be a gateway to unlocking a whole new level of passion and connection for couples. In fact, just under 50% of all couples schedule sex, so it’s more common than you may think. Why are so many couples turning to setting a sexy date on their calendars?
“Spontaneous sex is difficult. If we rely too heavily on sex that kind of ‘just happens,’ we may never find time, and we may never set the intention to have sex. I like to think about ‘planned spontaneity,’” says JO.
She made a point that if you and your partner take a drive where you have nothing planned and see a park and decide to stop for a picnic—that doesn’t just happen.
“You probably have blankets, a picnic basket, maybe you have some sunscreen already in the car. So the same rules apply,” says JO.
It’s a dose of preparedness balanced with openness to the possibilities. Removing the ties to outcomes, or specific acts, is also helpful.
“I think getting too wrapped up in any one particular activity or any one particular outcome in life, but especially when it comes to sex, can leave us feeling dissatisfied,” says JO.
Your sexy connection date may not be the only time in the week or month you have some form of sexual contact—it should be considered the minimum. It’s a place to start.
Once you are ready to give scheduling no-pressure sexy time a try, you two will need to collaborate on your parameters.
How often will this date be? Will it float or be static on the calendar?
What steps will you take to eliminate distractions and minimize barriers that have gotten in the way before?
How will rain checks work? If one of you doesn’t feel great or plans fall through with a babysitter, what will you do?
Will this be on your shared digital calendar? Will you two make it on the same day and time so it’s easy to remember?
Will it actually work?
It can, but your success will be determined by two main factors: your dedication and your attitude. If you want to resist because “it’s not spontaneous enough,” or you blow off the commitment to the date night every time, or you negatively call it “maintenance sex,” then you’ll likely hate it and fail.
Think of your rainchecks as a “not now” rather than a “no.” Research shows that couples who schedule sex are highly likely to have sex within 24 hours of that time.
Shared anticipation is a common joy couples experience with planning a vacation. Learn to use that same energy for your no-pressure dates. Send an alluring text. Email your partner and let them know how excited you are for later. Take charge and add a little something extra, like a surprise gift or ice cream for your after-sexy-time snack. The minutiae of the day-to-day will absolutely wreck your sex life if gone unchecked. People prioritize plenty of things to improve their lives and strengthen their connections, like taking a morning walk together or kissing goodbye. Your sex life deserves the same level of commitment.
While scheduling sex is often discussed when couples are trying to repair and reconnect, I would suggest giving this strategy a try before they are having less sex than they both want. Couples that maintain sexual frequency at least once a week (as discussed in my March column) have the greatest self-reported levels of relationship happiness. It’s much easier to stay connected than try to fix things later.
Still don’t believe this will work? Think about when you and your partner were first dating. Remember how you would see each other for a date, perhaps only once or twice a week? At a certain point in your relationship, you understood that when you saw one another, something sexual was likely to happen. Remember that anticipation and excitement when you knew you we going to see them?
Baby, you were scheduling sex! In your New Relationship Energy phase, you were inadvertently scheduling when you’d see each other, and therefore, each time you got it on.
Every relationship is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. It’s important to find an approach that suits your unique dynamics and preferences. Open communication, flexibility, and a shared commitment to intimacy are key factors in making scheduling sex a positive and enjoyable experience for both partners.
