Tired of serious Oscar criticism? I’m here to fix that. EMMA ERION

For better or worse, Oscar season is officially upon us. This time of year brings out the inner film critic in every person in every corner of the internet. I couldn’t scroll through Twitter on Tuesday without coming across a photo of Paul Mescal (who earned his first Oscar nomination) tweeted from a Phoebe Bridgers stan account. In that same vein, what’s the fun in doing serious critique of this year’s nominees? The internet is already inundated with thousands of critics telling you which movie deserves it the most. I am here to provide an unhinged and unserious commentary on this year’s best picture nominees; take it all with a grain of salt.

1. All Quiet on The Western Front

This movie is definitely what your Dad or Grandpa would choose as the winner because everyone knows that Dads love anything to do with war, cars, guns or heists. I do love a good powerful war movie, but this won’t gain as much traction as Dunkirk, solely because it doesn’t have an appealing male popstar cast in a secondary role.

2. Avatar: The Way of Water No.

3.

The Banshees of Inisherin

I love the Irish. And I love Colin Farrell. When I first heard about this movie, I thought it was some sort of period piece horror film but I was pleasantly surprised when I learned it was about some buddies on a remote island in Ireland. What fun! We should have stacked this cast with more Irish actors. Give me Paul Mescal! Give me Liam Neeson! I also think we need to add a “Best Animal” category to the Oscars based solely on Jenny the Donkey from this film.

4. Elvis

The length of this movie reminded me why we needed to bring back the art of the 90-minute film. Austin Butler is wonderful, though; I get a lot of good laughs out of his seemingly eternal Elvis accent. “Don’t Worry Darling” and this movie were both plagued by the fact that the off-screen drama was more fun and interesting than the actual movie.

5. Everything, Everywhere All at Once Yes.

6. The Fabelmans

I did not see this movie, but Stephen Spielberg’s life story told through a fictionalized family is very heartwarming, on concept alone. I also love Paul Dano and Michelle Williams, so this immediately gets a vote from me. Paul Dano should be in more things.

7. TAR

I thought this movie’s main character was a real person until I finished the movie and Googled her name and realized she was, in fact, not real if that tells you anything. My only serious commentary is that I actually think this film could sneak by and win it all. Cate Blanchett is mother (not in this movie, though) and she could spill hot soup all over my lap and I would say thank you.

8. Top Gun: Maverick

I never saw this. I think that is commentary in and of itself. However, I feel like I saw a half of it based on all of the TikTok edits of that one scene of Miles Teller on the beach.

9. Triangle of Sadness

This is second runner-up for best movie title of the year right behind Sara Gunnarsdóttir’s “My Year of Dicks.” I am all for the whole “rich people are silly and goofy” thing that has been happening in Hollywood recently with shows like “The White Lotus.” I wish this movie also had Jennifer Coolidge in it.

10. Women Talking

This cast is so stacked it almost feels surreal. This is another one where I will make a serious comment. I genuinely hope this wins. Will it? Probably not, because it is the Academy. But a girl can dream!