The Printed Blog Chi Loop Vol1-No16

TM

Like the internet, only flammable WEEK OF June 1, 2009 Chicago Loop Edition VOL 1 No 16

Printed with Explicit permission From Each Content Provider

Harry Fellows | tpburl.com/cw3mv4 Chicago

Wringing extra life from a dying cta chicago card/plus

L.a. makes me pine for the cta... how sad is that?

By CTA TAttler | 5/14/09 | CTA Tattler tpburl.com/k6vtcs

My Chicago Card Plus was on death’s door. I could see a hairline crack in it, and it stalled in registering at the reader. But I was going out of town for a few days and knew I wouldn’t be using the card and could have a new sent, so I wanted to wring another day or two of life out of the card.

That’s when I remembered this tip from Windy City Mike via the LiveJournal El Community:

“One of the CTA folks at the Lake station showed me a nice trick last night. You hold the upper righthand corner (if you’re looking at it from the back) up to the very top of the circle (where it lights up). That way you’re putting the transmitter within the card nearly directly adjacent to the receiver within the turnstile.”

And yes, it does work -- for awhile at least. Eventually it will totally give up the ghost. I will say that the card had actually lasted me for more than two years -- the longest ever. So that was a plus.

And the morning I was leaving town I ordered a new Chicago Card Plus at the CTA Web site. They say it will take 5-7 business days to arrive by mail. But mine got to me in four business days, amazingly enough.

One other thing I found on these card -- keep them away from other similar cards, such as an ID to gain you entrance to lock doors at work. I used to keep them together, but my Chicago Card Plus failed very quickly. I’ve kept them separate since and have been happy I did.

Do you folks have any other tips, tricks or quips about the cards? And how about that blast from the past? Thanks to the Tribune for the photo of former CTA President Frank Kruesi at a press conference.

By Tankboy | 5/14/09 | Tankboy tpburl.com/y6sdcz

My last time out here I said I could see why I might consider moving out west at some point. This trip has made me realize that probably wouldn’t happen. L.A. isn’t a city, it’s a bunch of cities stitched together, none of which have decent transportation options outside of owning your own car. Cabs? Overpriced and hard to find. Buses? I saw two the whole time I was here. Shuttles? I took one from the airport and it took me 2.5 hours to get to my hotel ... a co-worker who took a later flight actually checked in before me! Trains? Uh uh. And even when you do have a car, traffic is always a hassle.

I find it slightly terrifying that transportation options are so limited, especially when I do something like walk into a bar to find it packed with people chugging shots and downing beers only to see them stumble out to the valet to collect their cars and weave home. I’m not saying Chicago doesn’t have more than its fair share of drunk drivers, but at least the city gives you an option to get home otherwise after an evening of carousing.

So it’s funny, after all the preconceptions I thought would keep me from likeing L.A. -- the plastic girls, the burnished boys, smog, fakeness, celebrity culture, blah de blah -- the one actual reason that turns me off of the city is its lack of transportation options.

Go figure.

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tech

advertising

one reason why social media fails

By Mark Evans | 5/17/09 | Mark Evans tpburl.com/9gk6fq

Over the past few months, I’ve been working with a growing number of companies looking to do a better job online - be it building a brand, attracting more traffic, generating media coverage, or selling more services/products.

Not surprisingly, many of them are excited about embracing social media given the amount of buzz surrounding tools such as Facebook and Twitter. When I started ME Consulting, I was excited about social media tools as well until I realize that they’re just tools.

By that, I mean that Facebook, Twitter, blogs, et al are weapons you can add to a communications, marketing and sales arsenal as opposed to silver bullets that can solve or fix your business challenges. Admittedly, this is a straightforward assumption but you’d be surprised by how many people still think social media has magical qualities.

What I have come to appreciate is successful corporate social media strategies are built on a solid foundation of knowing three things:

1. Who you are

2. What you do

3. Why it matters

Most companies should have these pillars in place but the reality is effectively communicating these ideas can be challenging. They can be difficult to create and articulate because how a company views what its products/services do and its strategic mission can be different from how consumers see it or even how consumer use a company’s products/services.

Another factor is a company’s strategic focus can change over time, which means that messaging and branding need to change as well.

Assuming a company has a strong grasp on its mission and the benefits offered to consumers, the next challenge is taking the right approach to social media. This means putting together a plan that reflects, highlights and sells your brand and products/services without coming across as overly-promotional or spam-ish. It means using social media to promote your company but also providing value to customers or potential customers.

Twitter, for example, can be a really effective marketing and sales tool if you’re also using it to educate and entertain consumers. You can engage consumers and generate goodwill by offering something rather than just trying to use Twitter as a way to generate traffic and more sales. Sure, traffic and sales are important that it’s not the sole reason to use social media.

To me, companies doing social media well have a strong grasp on who they are, what they do and why it matters. If you haven’t nailed them, your social media prospects can be hampered.

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osmos

By Allen Cook | 5/15/09 | Gamers with Jobs tpburl.com/zbsjqm

Osmos is a simple game, where you control an organism that grows by absorbing smaller organisms. You can move about by expelling material with the mouse button, but each click makes your organism smaller. You dodge and weave about the map trying to make tiny course adjustments yet still absorb other organisms in order to grow. But watch out for larger organisms, touch them and they’ll suck you dry.

It’s a simple game, but it’s appeal lies in the patience and control required to win. You could just hold down the mouse button to move, expelling matter like crazy to reach your target. However you would arrive at your destination so small that instead you would become a tasty snack. The trick lies in using patient, small clicks to slowly propel yourself in the right direction. It’s a challenging and addictive to try and grow your little organism as big as possible.

There are also curveballs thrown at you such as other “intelligent” life forms like the “Scaredy” who avoids you at all costs until it’s big enough to eat you. Several forces are also at play in some of the levels, like the “Repeller” orb which actively repels any organisms. It’s a game about patience, and the graphics complement this with calming, abstract art. Trace music in the background completes the scene.

Why You Should Check This Out: Addicting, simple gameplay with soothing graphics. An exercise in physics, control and patience creates a game that’s challenging but calming. I find myself playing the levels long after I’ve completed my goal.

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Marina Fillpovic Marinshe | tpburl.com/x976wq

the pay-to-play newspaper world unfolds

Alli Whitaker Advertising

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By Mark Evans | 5/18/09 | Mark Evans tpburl.com/31mhz6

There’s been a lot of chatter recently about newspapers charging for online content, led by media doyen Rupert Murdoch who is pushing the idea of micro-payments.

The San Jose Mercury has climbed on the pay-to-play bandwagon by announcing it’s going to start charging for online content - a move Mike Masnick describes as a “move destined to fail dismally (and quickly)” given there aren’t many compelling reasons for people to read the paper online now for free.

While the Mercury’s move may not work, I wonder whether it’s a sign of things to come within the beleaguered newspaper industry. Over the past few years, newspapers have tried a variety of different models to stay financially viable. They’ve charged for all content; given some content away but charged for access to selected content such as columnists; and they’ve tried completely free content supported by advertising.

To date, nothing has worked to fix a business model that’s been broken by the Web. It hasn’t helped that many newspaper organizations have been hampered by huge amounts of debt, which they have to serve while traditional advertising revenue has declined.

If newspapers want to stick around, it’s obviously they have some very difficult decision to make really soon.

Among them is radically changing their operational structures. They will have to become much smaller with fewer reporters. With a few exceptions (e.g. high-profile columnists), reporters will make less money while being asked to do more.

Many newspapers will have to decide how large of a print foothold they can afford. It may not make economic sense to print and distribute newspapers to anyone in the region who wants one. The National Post, for example, has slashed costs in recent years by abandoning delivery in many cities across Canada.

At the same time, newspapers will also have to keep on exploring new technologies. For example, a device such as the Kindle may have potential to become a user-friendly way for people to consume online newspaper content.

I also think electronic paper has huge potential for newspapers to replace the cost of printing and distributing products made out of dead trees. Imagine how the business would change if you could subsidize the cost of giving consumers e-paper that could receive the news online via wireless or wireline connection.

A final point: While newspapers and the newspaper industry under siege, the reality is many people still get most of their online content from newspapers as opposed to bloggers or online media groups (e.g. Politico, TechCrunch). And newspapers are still providing the fodder that drives the blogosphere, and newspapers still play a key role in our economic and democratic process.

If newspapers disappear, what replaces them? Would the demise of newspapers be anything unlike what happened when the automobile replaced the horse and buggy? For some insight on these questions, The Economist has a must-read feature story. As well, the New York Times has a story, “Pay Walls Alone Won’t Save Newspapers”.

The Printed Blog is Printed by John S. Swift Co., Inc. www.johnswiftprint.com (847) 465-3000

economy Movie Review

business and finance

everything i know about surviving the recession i learned watching survivor

By Terry V. Mertens | 5/8/09 | All You Need to Know tpburl.com/y35wjb

Even while there are signs the economy is improving, the job market is anticipated to be among the last to rebound. That means continued job hemorrhaging is likely in the months ahead. As companies of all sizes look for ways to cut costs but cutting people, I look to Survivor (as I so often do) for some tips to avoid the chopping block.

Here are the Top 10 Survivor tips for surviving the recession:

10.) MAKE FRIENDS – Nobody likes the grumpy guy who complains about everything and never goes out drinking with the crew. If you’re bad for morale, you’re an easy cut. Play nice with others and you’ll make it to the final nine.

9.) CATCH FISH OR MAKE FIRE – Be valuable. Even the most adored contestants wear their welcomes thin by lazing about. In business as in Survivor, your special skills will get you every bit as far, if not farther, than your personality.

8.) WIN CHALLENGES – If you want layoff immunity, you’re going to have to fight for it and there are plenty of everyday workplace challenges that will give you an opportunity to shine. Be the first one in every morning. Fill up the paper tray. Run that presentation to Kinko’s at the 11th hour. If someone’s going home, it won’t be you.

7.) FLY UNDER THE RADAR – Use discretion. Don’t leave your resume laying on the photocopier. Stop humming obscure showtunes in your cube. Log out of your Facebook account when you break for lunch so people don’t see that you’re “hardly working again – I love my job.” Shower. The obnoxious players who stick out as oddballs or anti-establishment are always among the first to get the boot.

6.) FORM AN ALLIANCE – Stay close to the office untouchables to become untouchable yourself. Buddy up at lunch. Carpool. Walk to the train. Get to know and trust key people and you’ll have extra ears and eyes to alert you when the whispering begins. You’ll also have advocates and allies to defend your reputation at senior leadership’s tribal council.

5.) KNOW THE PLAN – How many times have we seen the Survivor folks smugly strutting about camp just hours before getting the axe? They feel safe and invincible in their naïveté, but the fact is if you don’t know what the plan is, you’re probably not part of it. Get involved, stay active, and don’t take your position for granted.

4.) LEAD AND FOLLOW – Strike a balance between teamwork and leadership. It’s good to follow direction, but order-takers are easily replaced. You need to show initiative, too. Step up your efforts and prove your ideas have merit. Just don’t come on too strong because nobody likes a bossy barker. Congratulations – you just made top 3.

3.) SHARE YOUR REWARDS – Generosity can take you a long way – in Survivor and in life.

You definitely want people saying nice things about you behind your back. When you receive credit or praise for a job well done, make sure to acknowledge the support of your co-workers, and the expert guidance of your superiors.

2.) HUMILITY OVER HUBRIS – If you’re among the fortunate few to make it to the end, there’s one final hurdle to clear: your peers. Remember all those coworkers you lied to, misled, and stabbed in the back to keep your job? Don’t brag about how smart you are for outlasting them all. Acknowledge their misfortune, be sympathetic to their plight, and win them over with your character. You’ll gain votes of confidence from these people for life.

1.) THE GAME EVENTUALLY ENDS – This is important to keep in mind wherever you go and whatever you do. Some people feel like it’s the end of the world when they hear those dreaded words: “Corporate has spoken…it’s time to go home. Grab your stuff.” But NOTHING is permanent in today’s business world. The marketplace is in constant flux, so if you’re not the sole survivor this time, take your experience down the street and apply to be on the Apprentice.

PHOTOS

partnering for strength

By Joshua Howe | 5/18/09 | OPEN Forum by American Express tpburl.com/vkz07c

No man is an island, and neither is your business. Creating strong business partnerships can be a valuable way to share contacts, costs and customers. Partnerships can involve sharing training, locations, contacts, customers, suppliers and reputation. Depending on your business’s needs and what it can offer depends on the type of relationship you build with other small businesses.

Partnership Benefits

Buying Power: Two small businesses have greater buying power than each alone.

Purchasing power can be leveraged to buy equipment, supplies or other consumables for your business. There are also less tangible things that can be shared between you and your partners, such as services like training, cleaning and insurance.

Exposure: Smart partnering can help expose your business to new groups of customers, insulated communities or hard to reach consumers. Perhaps you have a strong regional presence, but have had difficulty making inroads in the northern part of the state. Whether its a mention in your partner’s literature, website or directly promoting your business to their customers, using a partners’ contacts and reputation can be a valuable way to get a foothold with new groups of customers.

Networking: Similar to exposure, networking goes beyond drawing customers to your business. Networking allows you to share business partnerships, suppliers, as well as customers.

These individuals may not be purchasing your product or service, but may be able to tell you who might.

Get work by giving work: Creating a strong network of business partnerships can be a valuable way to provide good customer service. When you can’t meet a customer’s needs. whether that’s a service you don’t provide or don’t serve the area, a reference to a reliable business can be a relationship saver. In turn, both the customer and the other business are happy, and may return the favor.

Who’s your Partner

Reputation: Perhaps the greatest asset of any business you are looking to partner with is their reputation. Are they a well established family business or a struggling company just out of bankruptcy and embezzlement charges. The reputation of the company your partnering with can reflect on your business both for good or ill. Not only can it color customer’s views of your business but it may also tell you alot about how they’ll treat you in the partnership.

Can you partner with your competition? Creating partnerships with businesses which are complementary to your business is probably the easiest of the partnerships because there’s no worry about losing customers to your partner. However, your competition needn’t be out of the question as a partner. Cooperation could earn both of you greater benefits than spending your time counteracting each other.

Needs: The greatest reason to partner with another business or agency, is that somewhere your needs are going to be met. Whether its having the same needs for training or supplies or complementary needs that you can fulfill for each other, knowing what you need from the relationship and being able to meet those needs is key in the partnership.

Evaluate before Committing

Though you know that partnering can be beneficial to your business, before you get in any sort of partnership, you need to evaluate your company’s needs McVeigh and your| tpburl.com/qms5vt ability to commit to a Christopher partnership. Define what you are wanting from the relationship, and what you are able to give in return. Areas to consider include:

Services, Products or Customers: Are your interests in sharing customers or in purchasing?

Clearly define what you are wanting from the relationship, and willing to give.

Time: Is this a short term partnership to develop an event or are you looking to establish a long term relationship

Formal or Informal: As a small business partner you may have many formal and informal relationships with other businesses. It’s important to understand what you want from another business, especially if you’re approaching someone who is not an established contact.

Defining these areas will provide you a set of standards against which to evaluate any potential opportunities.

Partnerships can be excellent ways to build your business and develop networks of complementary and competitive businesses. Whether it’s working together on a project, sharing customers and leads or leveraging buying power, partners are a necessary part of business.

Setting out clear goals about what your business needs are, and what you hope to achieve by developing these relationships will help you evaluate potential partners, leading to happier ventures in the future for those that meet your needs and you theirs. advertising

Bradley Wollman | tpburl.com/xtdhn7 advertising

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Michael Marquand | tpburl.com/jmftz2 Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc.

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it’s your spot in the universe

The Official Guide to Mom PantsYup, they’re back!

PORKCHOP RULES

By: Coffee Slut tpburl.com/8tnpmz

Dplanet:: We've all seen them. Tapered blue jeans hugging our mom's ankles, high waisted, making their bottoms look, FLAT. It might be our own mothers, or mothers we see at the grocery store, or on the street. Now they are dominating our fashion magazines once again.

Regardless, they are out there. If you see one out and about, please stop her to snap a photo or to inform her how FABULOUS she looks! But never tell her she is wearing The Mom Pants, because she will say, "There is nothing wrong with my pants!"

Mom pants are back!

History repeats itself and the mom pants are back. Why? Celebrities have been caught wearing jeans from their mom’s closets, I mean from ugh… top designers bringing back this “vintage” look.

What we can do to end the trend.

travel

how to survive a red-eye flight and still look good

By Anna Yu | 5/13/09 | Stylehive tpburl.com/0krht2

In theory, red-eye flights are great for people who don’t want to waste the daytime traveling. It’s definitely handy for those who want to immediately start their day at their destination instead of landing in the afternoon or evening. The first time I ever had a red-eye flight, I was stuck in the middle seat, couldn’t get any sleep, and arrived at my destination with-- you guessed it, red eyes. Since my disastrous red-eye, I’ve learned ways to survive and even look good when I arrive. Staying hydrated is key, because nothing is worse than dry skin, chapped lips, and red eyes. While you still cannot bring your own water before the security check point, I like to bring an empty water bottle and ask a flight attendant to fill it up when I’m on the plane. While on the plane, either bring your own blanket and pillow or use the airline’s, plop on an eye mask with cooling gel, and you’ll be amazed at how refreshed you’ll look when you arrive. Check out my slideshow for more red-eye flight survival items from mini lint rollers to multi-tasking makeup!

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I think one should wear whatever they desire. However, I don’t know if this is one style we can bring back. It is still rampant throughout the mom community and it is not making a change in style.

Where you can find mom pants.

1. Buy your mom a gift card to the Gap, Ann bradlauster Taylor Loft, or any store you think will dress her appropriately.

H&M 515 Broadway New York, NY 10012

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Brown Elephant Resale Store 3651 N Halsted Street Chicago, IL 60613

Goodwill Industries of Greater NY Inc 103 W 25th St New York, NY 10001

Glamour Schatz

rick

2. Make sure you burn the pants once they have left her body.

3. If you see them in a fashion magazine, its ok to rip the page out and stomp on it.

4. Let’s say you see a tourist on the street sporting the jeans. Calmly walk over to her and say, “Do you mind taking those off.”

5. Don’t be mean. There is no need for negativity. Let’s just rid the world of them.

Read more from this guide and others at guidespot.com fashion

“gossip girl” sytle at target, coming soon!

By Lisanna Silverman | 5/12/09 | Stylehive tpburl.com/6hp54f

Talking-Gossip.com has a major Fashion Alert for all you “Gossip Girl” style lovers. Famous fashion designer Anna Sui has teamed up with one of our favorite stores, Target, for their designer collaboration series and her inspiration is coming from none other than the “Gossip” girls! The four main girls (Blair, Serena, Jenny, and Vanessa) will inspire pieces for the collection so you’ll be able to dress like your favorite “Gossip Girl” at a cost that’s perfect for a small budget! Anna has said that the pieces will reflect the individual styles of the characters while also incorporating a sense of New York City. The collection will be available from September 13th to October 17th. Happy shopping!

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Courtney Pate | tpburl.com/fqx7w6 humor

bruises are the new temporary tattoo

Stefanie Keenan | tpburl.com/xjq086

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By Ramona | 5/13/09 | Not So Serious tpburl.com/8gq594

There are things that are obviously bad ass and then there are things that are undercover badass things that when you mention them people go, “oh yeah,” in a reverent tone that is popularly employed to convey the idea that they KNOW what you’re talking about and that they CARE.

Black is openly badass, but green is like the undercover badass because it’s cool and environmentally friendly. Did you know you can actually erase your own carbon footprint by chopping off your feet and wrapping the bloody stumps in those reusable green totebags they give out at Wallgreens? You thought it was the reusable part that was good for the environment, but it’s actually the color green that’s saving the planet.

Being an astronaut is badass but studying quantum mechanics is undercover badass. Did you ever notice how much people like to namedrop What the Bleep Do We Know, and tell you how “science has proven that water has feelings.” Have these people ever heard of science?

And then there’s government health benefits. Government health benefits are widely considered to be undercover badass. Whenever I tell people that my dad’s a teacher. Nine times out of ten their first response is to whisper, “Can you get me on his plan?” while looking warily behind them like Obama is going to jump out and yell ‘universal healthcare!’ I mean who are people? But also who are not people?

Having your own car is badass, but what’s undercover badass is riding public transportation. When people ride public transportation they know they’ve finally become urban, and you can tell that they feel their street cred has shot through the roof, especially if they’re listening to a local MC on their iPod, and tapping their fingers to the beat on their Chrome messenger bag.

Tattoos are badass, but bruises are undercover badass. Bruises are the new temporary tattoo. Bruises say I live my life rough, and I don’t even have to pay someone to draw it on. A bruise is like a tattoo that says “I’m rugged. Let’s party.”

Something else that’s undercover badass are rollbars. I don’t know what the obvious badass counterpoint to rollbars might be, possibly Muhammed Ali. When you talk about rollbars, everyone knows it was, is, or is gonna be a bumpy ride, and everybody holds on tight because taking risks is badass, but safety is undercover badass.

The Printed Blog is Printed by John S. Swift Co., Inc. www.johnswiftprint.com (847) 465-3000

personal

movie review

judy blume: a necessary presence in young women’s lives

By Alison | 5/13/09 | Gender Across Borders tpburl.com/0y6tcf

Yesterday I had the misfortune of reading “Blume 101,” an attack on Judy Blume and Planned Parenthood (PP) from the conservative site National Review Online. As a lifetime fan of Judy Blume and an advocate of PP, I decided it’d be best to cool down before attempting to write about it. But it’s a day later, and I’m still irritated.

Kathryn Jean Lopez, who penned this rant about Judy Blume, the beloved author of Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret, Superfudge, Just as Long as We’re Together, and many more fantastic books, refers to Blume as an “unnecessary presence in children’s lives, as a substitute parent and cheerleader of that sex-ed-crazed culture that she served as a trailblazer of”—and is angry that in honor of Mother’s Day, Blume wrote a fundraising letter for PP. Lopez calls this “insulting.”

Lopez writes: “I’m grateful for the Blume fundraising letter, though, because it highlights something busy parents and teachers all too often don’t realize: That book your child is reading is imparting values, and they might not be your own. ‘I first heard about sex from Judy Blume,’ a fortysomething mother of six told me immediately after I mentioned Blume’s name to her. Today, perhaps, that’s not the situation — Blume’s not the first time — our culture being as oversexualized as it is. But Blume remains an unnecessary presence in children’s lives, as a substitute parent and cheerleader of that sex-ed-crazed culture that she served as a trailblazer of. And a presence trusted adults put in children’s lives, as if issuing an Imprimatur, a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Though frequently thought of as the harmless author of Superfudge, that description fudges the reality of Judy Blume. Her books are hormone cheerleaders — as if adolescents’ bodies needed the help. In Forever, Blume is right where she was in her fundraising letter, praising a progressive grandmother whose only fault seems to be that she is so devoted to Planned Parenthood rallies that she doesn’t have time to help her granddaughter get contraception from that organization. Planned Parenthood does provide young Katherine the Pill, making a graphic first-time scene possible.

Next time you’re just happy your daughter or son is reading, consider that your child may be reading, “Can you spread your legs some more . . . and maybe raise them a little?” That’s in Forever, which is clearly a pre-teen or teen book (if that makes it better — I’m not so sure). Deenie, however, is for children on a fourth-grade reading level. Would you knowingly hand your third or fourth grader a guide to self-arousal? You are when you hand him Deenie.”

First off, I’m so tired of people misconstruing PP’s mission. Yes, it is an abortion provider, but if you think that’s entirely what PP is about, it’s time to educate yourself.

Has Lopez ever been to a PP clinic, I wonder? I highly doubt it. I went to PP for several years, and my wonderful mother, the same one who put fantastic books such as Deenie, Are You There God?, and Just as Long as We’re Together in my hands, was the one who brought me there for my first visit. And thank God she did, because there I was able to ask the questions about my sexual health that I was too embarrassed to discuss with her, learn about proper uses of birth control, and get good, important health care—without any judgment, ever.

PP also cares about women’s emotional health and overall well-being, providing patients with information about abusive relationships and phone numbers for counseling centers and crisis lines if they suspect a patient is having problems. I know this from my personal experiences at PP—something Lopez clearly has no knowledge of, since she reduces the organization to simply an abortion provider. She writes, “But a Mother’s Day fundraiser for the single biggest abortion provider in the United States (subsidized by your tax dollars) is insulting, most especially to the women who are suffering because they rejected motherhood and know they ended a life in the process.”

She really doesn’t get it. PP celebrates motherhood—and a young woman’s ability to have the knowledge needed to plan being a mother, safely, intelligently, and when she is ready.

It’s because of PP and books like Judy Blume’s that countless young women have learned to be comfortable with their bodies, that their feelings are normal, and that they have every right to access health care and education about their sexuality—no matter if they are poor, rich, white, black, 16-years-old or 45-years-old.

To call Blume’s books “hormone cheerleaders” is the insult, not Blume’s support of an important organization such as PP. And how dare you call Deenie merely a “guide to selfarousal,” Ms. Lopez? HAVE YOU EVEN READ IT? Well, I have, multiple times, and what I took from that book had nothing to do with self-arousal. Deenie is the story of a beautiful 13-yearold girl whose mother is pushing her toward a modeling career—until she is diagnosed with scoliosis, and has to wear a back brace for the next four years. Reading Deenie reinforced the values that my parents had already instilled in me—that there was more to a person than his or her outward appearance, and that the right kind of people would like me for my brain and my personality, not for my looks. THAT is what stuck with me from Deenie.

So back off, Lopez. And while you’re at it, why don’t you actually do some research and visit PP’s website? You’ll see that the home page features a link to information about Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month, which includes information about safe sex, birth control, masturbation, and, yes, abstinence. It’s not a giant cheer for abortion. I think you need to read this, since you obviously are as misinformed as the teenagers who have been taught abstinenceonly sexual education and that masturbating is dirty.

Better yet: Go to the library. Check out Judy Blume’s books. Read them.

daily chick flick: twilight

By Jay Ferris | 5/10/09 | Genius Pending tpburl.com/yvrp00

We all knew this day was coming, but personally I didn’t expect it so soon. It had originally been my plan to wait until the very end to watch Twilight, a plan that was summarily overturned by the executive television powers Christie is granted each Mother’s Day. Thankfully I was able to impose an embargo on the extended/deleted scenes, as we own the ultra special deluxe edition, which is as thick as a dictionary and includes two hours of Robert Pattinson talking about himself while he polishes off a pack of Virginia Slims.

Some might have been led to believe that this movie is shielded from the chick flick label because of its sci-fi roots. I encourage those people to click here (SFW) and then come back to finish this post. I can assure you that there has never been a hysterically crying fan at any of the Die Hard movie premieres.

What can I say other than that Twilight didn’t stand a chance with me? I’m simply incapable of enjoying a vampire movie when the vampires are this lame. And in case you were somehow unaware, the vampires of Twilight are super lame. Robert Pattinson plays “Edward,” who lives with a group of vampires that refer to themselves as “vegetarians” because they no longer eat people, only animals. Which is extremely clever if you try not to think about it. They also apparently have no weaknesses, and can only die by being dismembered and their remains immediately burned to a cinder. Sunlight only makes them sparkle like a bedazzled hoody from Hot Topic. Garlic, well-planted wooden stakes, or silver? Nothing.

Being this kind of vampire really makes it tough to use as a plot device. Having so little weakness, yet trying to convince us that Edward believes himself to be some kind of monster.

Because his life is soooo shitty and all. Let’s take a quick inventory of the sweet things he is capable of:

Super strength

Super speed

Super healing

Sparkling in the sun

Doesn’t need sleep

Immortality

Irresistible to the opposite sex

Oh yeah, and he can READ FUCKING MINDS

That poor bastard! It must be devastating to be that awesome, especially knowing it comes at the steep cost of:

Drinking animal blood

Avoiding dismemberment- and disintegration-related accidents.

The main conflict in Twilight comes first from the complicated nature of a vampire/human relationship, and later shifts to a rogue vampire that doesn’t abstain from human blood. He gets a whiff of Bella’s scent after interrupting her and the other vampires playing baseball (WTF?), and Edward uses his mind powers to learn that he won’t stop until Bella is dead. Is anyone else bothered by how convenient all of this is? Is it just assumed that we’re so far into the story by this point that we won’t simply turn away? Anyway, the vampires all know that this guy is out to kill Bella, but instead of hunting him down first, they stupidly splittup and run. Even though in the very end they have to hunt him down and kill him.

I found everything about Twilight absolutely boring. Slow, dry, dull, uneventful, unsurprising, poorly-filmed, -written, and -acted. No wonder it was a hit. 4 1/2 pink tacos; might have been 5 had there been more worth making fun of.

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politics

all people know about republicans is that they don’t want to be one

By Tabitha Hale | 5/11/09 | Pink Elephant Pundit tpburl.com/9xj5d3

Clearly I’m just going for longest blog post title ever.

Women have always been a minority in politics, especially on the GOP side of things. We make up better than half of the U.S. population… and less than 10% of GOP House and Senate members. From Politico: Of course, there are fewer Republicans than Democrats of either gender in the two houses. But even on a percentage basis, Republicans suffer a gender gap. Twenty-two percent of House Democrats are women, but only 9.5 percent of House Republicans are. In the Senate, nearly 23 percent of the Democrats are women, but only 10 percent of the Republicans are.

Of course, there are a million reasons for the gender gap. My personal take is that we lose women on the social issues. Olympia Snowe is whining about the excommunication of moderates. While I’m not a fan of moderates, she’s partially right. We can’t excommunicate all the moderates and still win elections. However, there is no room for fiscal moderation at this point. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what Olympia Snowe is, and that’s what she’s speaking about.

Here are my thoughts on this as someone who is socially conservative. The uniting factor among the conservative movement is obviously the fiscal issues, and as Reagan said, someone who agrees with you 80% of the time is not your enemy. We can preach a pro-life message all day long, but that rhetoric is damaging to the overall message, which should be personal responsibility. What conservatives are missing is that a message of personal responsibility covers most social issues, and that this is not a time to be screaming and preaching at each other. We need to focus. Women make up over 50% of the vote, and we’re losing them because they’re scared that a conservative candidate is going to police their womb. Quite the opposite, liberals are the one who want to control health care, not conservatives.

At this point, all people know about Republicans is that they don’t want to be one. No one has any clue what they stand for, because they don’t stand for anything. When everything is negotiable it’s impossible to take a stance people can get on board with. There are things that we cannot afford to be moderate on at this point… spending is one of those things. Social issues can NOT be a make or break deal for conservative candidates right now. We are not going to get Roe v Wade overturned, ESPECIALLY under this administration. So let’s work on making sure we EXIST in four years, restoring SOME level of accountability to the government and it’s people.

I guarantee that increased accountability would lower the abortion rate and the welfare state mentality, among other things. A broad appeal does not have to mean compromising our ideals if it means focusing on the issues that unite us instead of the ones that divide.

This divide is particularly relevant to women. We focus on gay marriage and abortion as social issues, and allow these two issues to define the overall message, which is inaccurate. It’s all a matter of how the issues are framed. If they are framed as “rights” issues, we will lose.

There is nothing concrete, and if women are left to their emotions they will empathize with the women who are “trapped” by their circumstances and the ever murky “equality” argument surrounding gay marriage. If they are framed in the context of personal accountability and economic viability, we win because there are facts associated. We need women to voice the latter. So how do we go about getting more women in office to combat the mushy emotional appeal to the social issues? Well, first we have to get them to run. “[We] as a party are saying we’re not supporting Republican moderates. That’s a terrible message to send,” said Snowe, who with her Maine counterpart Susan Collins represents 50 percent of the Republican women in the Senate. “It tells everyone else in America who might have an interest in running as a Republican moderate, they’re going to have to think twice. The messages coming out of the national party are critical. They’ve got to be embracive and inclusive of political diversity.”

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dowd: accountability? what?

By Tabitha Hale | 5/19/09 | Pink Elephant Pundit tpburl.com/t72nq9

So Maureen Dowd. I was going to ignore this. However, it’s not so much about the plagiarism in my eyes. I’m way more hacked off about the fact that there is no sense of responsibility or accountability anywhere to be found (Linking HuffPo – beware). There’s not so much as an acknowledgment. Her statement: josh is right. I didn’t read his blog last week, and didn’t have any idea he had made that point until you informed me just now. we’re fixing it on the web, to give josh credit, and will include a note, as well as a formal correction tomorrow. i was talking to a friend of mine Friday about what I was writing who suggested I make this point, expressing it in a cogent — and I assumed spontaneous — way and I wanted to weave the idea into my column. but, clearly, my friend must have read josh marshall without mentioning that to me.

Translation: IT WASN’T MY FAULT. Of course not. It never is. This lack of accountability and integrity in journalism is exactly why they’re all in the toilet right now. Apparently even when you’re the one that writes the article, attaches your name to it, and publishes it, you aren’t responsible for the content. Mistakes happen. If, in the off chance that it was an honest mistake, a mildly ethical person would have issued an apology and displayed some sense of embarrassment instead of immediately passing the blame to someone else.

No one takes the Times seriously anyway. How long do we think they’ll pretend to be journalists?

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I hate the connotation that the word diversity has. I kind of cringe every time I hear it, because what it conjures up to me is people receiving jobs and credit they don’t deserve in the interests of giving a group, or political party in this case, a reason to say “See, we’re not racists! We’re not misogynists!”. However, women ARE underrepresented. Does that mean we run around nominating women for the sake of increasing the amount of estrogen on Capitol Hill? Absolutely not! It means that we spend time and resources educating and identifying solid candidates. Having some smart, conservative female faces on the right side would certainly not hurt the GOP image. In appealing to Snowe’s “moderate” candidates, we keep ourselves in RINO territory. I don’t want to appeal to fiscally moderate candidates for the sake of having more female faces, which is what Snowe seems to be suggesting. To do so is to further dilute our message… which we clearly cannot afford.

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Politics

Lifestyle

left disappointed in obama?

make your own baby food

By Justin Gardner | 5/17/09 | Donklephant tpburl.com/sxy1b4

Well, at least the far left.

And hey, fair enough. I don’t agree with many of his recent decisions either, especially the ones regarding the Abu Gharib photos and detainee policies.

But Obama talked at length during the campaign about taking more centrist positions and trying to find common ground and that’s what he’s doing. So while many Dems may hate it, does anybody really think that they’ll stay home come 2012?

From Politico:

By Victoria Vazquez | 5/12/09 | Got2BGreen tpburl.com/0trb29

Babies seem to require a lot of stuff nowadays. And they can produce a lot of waste, and I’m not talking about their dirty diapers. The packaging for their clothes, diapers, car seats, strollers, toys, and other paraphernalia seems to really add up. You may not be able to avoid all this packaging and will just be left with the option of recycling some of it. But there is one type of packaging you can avoid using: baby food containers.

Making your own baby food may seem like a daunting task. But it is one you should consider for the sake of the environment. You may also find it cheaper than pre-packaged meals for your tyke. And by making your own food you can provide more food options than are found on supermarket shelves.

Yes. That’s the answer to the readers wondering if I’ve done this. After buying about a week’s worth of food for my baby, I started making baby food at home and haven’t stopped.

And yes, it takes longer than buying it in the store, so it may not be an option for everyone. But I did do it as a full-time graduate student, so it is possible amidst a hectic life.

The keys to my success were freezer space, a basic food processor or blender, and a reference book. My reference book was Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron, which is essentially vegetarian, but can be used by non-vegetarians as a reference for their babies’ non-meat foods.

The information I used most from this book was about how to choose and prepare different vegetables and when to introduce them. IMPORTANT NOTE: I always referred to my child’s pediatrician first about when to introduce foods, especially the major allergens like dairy, eggs, and nuts and the potential health hazard honey. The pediatrician suggested introducing all of these foods later than did the author. Feel free to comment about other helpful baby food books.

The basic idea of the book is to purée vegetables and grind grains in bulk. Then you can freeze the vegetables and cook and then freeze the grains in ice cube trays. Once the cubes of food are frozen, you pop them out into a freezer-safe container so you can continue to use the ice cube trays. I used plastic zipper bags. When the zipper bag was empty, I’d leave it in the freezer to use again later. Defrost the food cubes however you like. I’ve continued the basic idea with my toddler. Instead of buying the ready-made waffles at the store, I make a big batch of waffles at one time and store the extras in the freezer. I pop them in the toaster oven for a couple of minutes, just like the ready-made ones.

With a few basic tools and a bit of motivation, you can save money and reduce waste. Now if you can just get your little one to eat all the food!

He has pushed gun control to the back burner, used the state secrets privilege to try to quash lawsuits over warrantless wiretapping, opposed a “truth commission” to investigate alleged torture and sought to deny some legal protections to detainees in Afghanistan.

And he’s made clear he’s in no rush to do immigration reform or repeal the military’s ban on openly gay servicemembers.

I’ve had debates recently with a number of folks about Obama’s unwillingness to touch the hot button issues and my point back to them is that it’s a lot more likely that Obama can pass healthcare first, bring the economy back around, get reelected and then address these issues.

Because does anybody really think Obama is against gay marriage?

You think he doesn’t want comprehensive immigration reform?

How about gays in the military? Think he doesn’t want to change that system?

After so many years out of power, Dems should be very careful about how quickly they want this President to move on everything. Remember, Obama is looking to be a liberal Reagan, not a liberal Bush. So start practicing some patience Dems, because if you get in a huff about every single thing he doesn’t agree with you about, it’s going to be a long 4 years.

blaming national security conservatives for republican problems

By Alan Stewart Carl | 5/15/09 | Donklephant tpburl.com/mt8j71

Usually, when people debate why the conservative movement has hit hard times, they argue about whether Republicans are fiscally conservative enough or whether they are too focused on social issues. Rarely does the third tent pole of modern conservativism get mentioned: the national security conservatives. But that’s the exact group to blame argues Daniel Larison in The Week:

green living

The faction most responsible for the GOP’s political failure is national security conservatives. Yet within the party, they remain unscathed, their assumptions about the use of American power largely unquestioned, and their gross errors in judgment forgotten or readily forgiven. Among the mainstream right, the foreign policy of the Bush administration is barely a subject of debate. Rather than reorienting Republican foreign policy towards a political center defined by realism, humility and restraint, the GOP’s leadership and activists have redoubled their commitment to Bush and Cheney’s hawkish stances and to a lock-step defense of the Bush administration’s policies.

Larison is a contributing editor at The American Conservative, part of the Pat Buchanan wing of the conservative movement (wing? More like alcove these days) – so you know he comes at this with a certain isolationist bias. But is he right? Are Republicans losing because they can’t divorce themselves from the national security policies of the Bush years?

Seems to me it’s a lot more complicated than that. But it’s worth considering. After all, the Republicans were once known for their realism abroad and that, in turn, made the party look mature and capable. Without that realism on weighty matters, can the party hope to regain the trust of the American people? Does Larison have a point? green living

thom yorke endorses another green movement

By Mark Steffen | 5/18/09 | Heave tpburl.com/zhx1tc

StopGlobalWarming.org is the latest cause that everyone’s favorite profound pundit, Thom Yorke, is shoving in the faces of the collective Radiohead fanbase. It’s an online petition with more than one-million signers voicing their want of the American Government to freeze and reduce carbon dioxide emissions across the board.

Sure, this whole UK Rocker telling America what to do shtick is getting pretty old. But, for my dollar, I’ll get behind a cause that Mr. Yorke and the rest of Radiohead feel the need to rant about on their own blog before another half-assed movement any day. Go sign the petition if you agree or rant below about why online petitions do little or why you’re sick of Thom Yorke championing anything green.

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college students demand higher tuition to pay for green projects

By Stephanie Rogers | 5/13/09 | Earthfirst tpburl.com/sqcby9

When college students rally in support of tuition changes, they’re usually looking for lower fees. But a growing number of college students are actually asking to pay more, as long as that extra money goes toward green projects on campus. Green Inc. reports that ‘green fees’ are on the rise, helping colleges and universities achieve sustainability goals like LEED-certified campus buildings and solar panel arrays.

Among the schools currently charging mandatory student fees for the explicit purchase of green projects are Evergreen State College, the University of Wisconsin at La Crosse, Northland College and Appalachian State University.

From Green Inc., via The Huffington Post: Portland State University is currently voting on whether to establish this kind of fee.

In some states like Florida and Texas, students at public universities have been foiled in their efforts to impose green fees. That is because any fee increase must be approved by the state legislature. The back-and-forth process can easily take four years, according to Trevor Lovell of ReEnergize Texas, a youth coalition pushing for measures to address climate change — by which time the student body will have (hopefully) turned over.

A bill backed by ReEnergize Texas is working its way through the Texas state legislature that would allow university students to impose green fees more easily.

With fees as low as $3 per semester, it’s easy to see why students would support the increases. We’re not talking about hundreds of dollars, here. Sure, college students are poor, but skip a few trips to the residence hall vending machine or one Starbucks mocha and you’ve got the cash to contribute. Even one dollar per student, when multiplied by the number of students enrolled, can be a huge boost to important green projects on campus.

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iCreate Artist Representative t 212.271.9211

iCreate is an emerging artist management agency representing photographers based in New York City and Los Angeles. Our artists offer a fresh and exciting perspective on the world and its subjects for clients within the fashion, portraiture, and life style industries. With offices in New York, Los Angeles and Miami, iCreate along with iModels provide a full array of Pre and Post production services for clients.

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Craig Ward Craig Ward was born in the United Stated in the late ‘70s .After completing his stellar education in photography and working with famous fashion photographers around the world, Craig now resides in NYC where he is preparing to dominate the world by force.

Dove Shore Dove Shore is a photographer of many fields, from fashion to music to celebrity portraits to the streets of urban Los Angeles to the banks of the Ganges in India. His vision is strong and his voice clear.

Shore’s work can be regularly be seen in magazines world wide, including Rolling Stone, Elle, Spin, BPM, Entertainment weekly, C Magazine, among others.

Dove is currently working on a coffee table book called Katrina Music Project (www.katrinamusicproject.com) where he has teamed up with some of the biggest names in music to give back to New Orleans. Shore lives in Los Angeles

Erik Swain Erik Swain grew up on the northern beaches of Sydney, Australia. His passion for photography started at the age of fourteen when came across some black and white photos his dad took when he was young. From that moment on he knew he wanted to be a professional photographer.

In 1998 he moved to New York and soon found himself assisting Bruce Webber, then Steven Klein where he remained for six years. Erik currently lives in Brooklyn with his wife and five month old son where he continues to live his childhood dream.

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personal

the things

By Surviving Myself | 5/18/09 | Surviving Myself tpburl.com/9hkc2b

Today during my lunch hour I’m going to the Apple store in Soho to pick up my repaired Mac. The laptop shorted out when I accidentally dropped some water on it, but of course when the Apple guy asked me if the computer had been exposed to water, I replied that it had not.

Needless to say, I’m excited about getting my laptop back, but I’m really just excited about going to the Apple store. The experience itself is fun enough.

When I set foot inside the store, I’ll feel Totally Cool. I’ll stroll in and give the employee greeting people a healthy/alarming “HI!” as I walk past him.

I’ll probably look around and nod approvingly at all the Hip People Buying Things They Don’t Need. I might even strike up a conversation with someone: “So, Apple. It’s pretty cool that they make cool stuff, huh? I mean, I just feel really, very cool right now. In fact, I might make a movie about how cool I feel on my mac. Because you can do that.”

If the person doesn’t punch me in the face, I might even show off the music on my iPhone and comment on how lame Microsoft is because man - if you’re not paying an obscene amount of money for a laptop, you are just a fool!

When I finally get my mac back in my hands, I’ll wink at the guy who hands it over and tell him “Dude, I’m definitely a mac!” and give him pounds.

These are just some of things that can happen today. It makes me so excited to be a middle class guy who fills the holes in his heart with material goods, I could die.

But I think instead, I’ll just go to J. Crew.

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Harry Fellows Harry Fellows has been working as a professional fashion photographer in NYC for 6 years. His passion for shooting women began when he was a teenager and continues today.

He is currently working on editorials for magazines across the globe and shooting with a wide range of fashion designers, stylists, and make-up and hair artists.

Vicki Thai | tpburl.com/hf6kc0

Michael Scott Slosar Michael Scott Slosar is a New York based photographer who shoots portraits, music, lifestyle and places with a distinct style and taste for character, mood and light. Michael grew up in Dana Point, CA and moved to Arizona to attend NAU. His time there was cut short; for his love for photography brought him to Brooks Institute of Photography. At the age of 23 Michael moved to Brooklyn, NY where he continues to reside and find inspiration for his work.

Reed Young Born in 1982, Reed grew up in Minneapolis, MN. He studied at Brooks Institute of Photography before obtaining a yearlong scholarship at Fabrica, The United Colors of Benetton’s creative research center in Treviso, Italy. After Fabrica he moved to Milan where he now lives and works.

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needless to say, i’m in...

By Spots | 5/14/09 | I’ll Flip You. Flip You For Real. tpburl.com/50j2c4

I’m always looking for blog fodder to keep you people entertained.

“Oh shit, we just a flat tire!” Blog fodder.

“Mel was in a bar fight.” Blog fodder.

“My cousin was murdered.” Blog fodder.

And often, when people don’t want to attend some potentially horrible event or activity alone, they drag me along under the guise that I might get some fodder from the experience.

Like my friend Maria, who sent me this:

“Do not say no without hearing me out. My friend and I are going to try the pole dancing class at the S Factor on Filbert. You are going to come with us. It is supposed to be unbelievably fun. My friend is taller than you and older so no excuses. It will be fabulous fodder for your blog too!”

I like how this friend is taller and older than even me, the tallest and oldest person to burden the planet. First of all, if this friend is taller than me, this friend is officially a freak. My brother and I both maintain that one more inch onto our 5’11” and 6’5” frames respectively and we’ve far exceeded the regular people charts and moved into medically unique. Second of all, I’m 31. While not wild about my rapidly advancing age, I can still, you know, tie my shoes and work a portable phone.

As for this pole dancing thing, I’m wisely hesitant. No one wants to see me pole dance, not even a bunch of giggling 30-something’s who high-fived during Sex and the City. Other than my having enough body issues to fill an Oprah audience, I assure you I will awkwardly and begrudgingly stand next to the pole, holding onto it like a microphone so I can make jokes at everyone’s expense, including my own. There will be no dancing, so twirling, no stilettos and certainly no seduction. I don’t drink anymore, Maria. I’m way less fun at this kind of shit. And even if I was drunk, I’d just sprain an ankle...and not necessarily my ankle.

Didn’t they do this on the Real Housewives of Atlanta? And wasn’t it awkward? That being said, if you’ve had experiences with this class or something like it, let us know. Hell, if you know a salty old stripper with some good pole tips, let us know...

Alexandra Miritello | tpburl.com/znr2ys

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d list

By Kimmy | 4/5/09 | Kimmy in the City tpburl.com/bn7y9z

Here are some of the experiences that eventually led me to the conclusion that…………………. ………………I’m D list

1) I was listening to my IPOD on random today when a song from my demo came on. My IPOD said “Unknown Artist”. Even my ipod doesn’t know who I am. D list

2) Homeless man on the corner of 45th and 10th looked up at me with his drunk eyes and quietly said, “Loser.” Then he casually looked away and took another swig of his .40 wrapped delicately in a blood stained T shirt. A homeless crackhead called me a loser. D list.

3) The last time I did match.com, I put both New York and Chicago as my places of residency. I signed on one day to find that my “Match.com Match of the Day” was……..my brother. seriously. D List

4) After weighing my carry-on bag and arguing about whether or not I should be allowed to keep it (since it was juuuuuust a hair over the size quota), the flight attendant made me check my bags. She then charged me 25.00 per bag. And then lost them. I paid 50.00 to never see my bags again. D list

5) Last year around this time I was rollerblading down the path on the hudson river when I came across a baseball field chalk full of extremely attractive men. I decide to show off and do a trick from my ice skating days as I approached the field. I did it……and landed in a large patch of sand. I then face planted into said patch of sand. They all looked. And then they all laughed.

D list

6) I am on a date a few years back. It’s the end of the night and I am with a boy I really like trying my best to be coy and mysterious. We say our goodbye’s. Our hands slide away from each other. I look at him with my best bedroom eyes, do a seductive pivot, and turn to walk into my building. And that’s exactly what I did….walked directly into my building. I walked straight into the just-cleaned-couldn’t-tell-it-was-there plate glass door and smacked my face with gusto.

And then my nose bled. Not so sexy. D list.

7) I walk into the Deli downstairs and the friendly pakistani owner immediately grabs a pint of Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream and 2 chocolate chip cookies and says, “Here. I ring up for you!” The deli owner has memorized the flavors of the feelings that I eat.

8.) I am in 7th grade and totally crushing on Dave Cio. I leave my 4th period sewing class to go to the bathroom. Who do I run into ALONE in the hallway?…none other than Dave Cio in the flesh. Well, I feel particularly hot today since I am wearing the polyester pink and green triangles shirt I sewed last week in class paired brilliantly with my favorite acid wash jeans tight rolled to perfection. AND on top of all that hotness, I achieved quite possibly the PERFECT bang poof that morning. I. Am. Smokin’. So I see Dave. He sees me. He approaches. My heart starts to flutter uncontrollably. We start to flirt and make awkward small talk. Then he says something totally hilarious. I burst out laughing and without warning I let one rip. Loudly. All laughter ceases. Dave stares at me with a “Did that just happen??” look written all over his face.

I immediately turn and run back to sewing class. Dave Cio never dated me. D list.

9) I was in a taxi on my way to the airport when a truck smashed into the side of our taxi.

I slammed into the plastic partition. After the shock and surprise wore off, I collected myself and pried the door open to get out. The driver looks at me and says, “It’s 10.50″. My driver illegally ran a red light and then asked me to pay for being hit by a truck. D list.

10) I decide to treat myself and get pampered a little, so I make an appointment to get my first ever bikini wax. I had the flu for the 2 days leading up to the appointment, but felt totally fine that day and decided to go ahead with it. On the way to the salon I start to have that all-too-familiar warmth in my abdomen and nausea begins to creep up my body. So, I run into a starbucks and get sick for roughly 15 minutes. I seriously debated about whether or not to cancel, but since I felt much better after that last bout, I forged on. I collect myself, swished around some mouthwash from my purse, and went into the salon. After 10 of the most painful minutes of my entire life, the Asian wax Nazi tells me to, “flee ovah” I look at her blankly and say, “Flee ova? What do you mean?” Exasperatedly, she says louder ….”FLEE OVAH” Then she forcefully turns me onto my stomach. Please note that I am completely naked at this point. I am very confused since I had always believed my vagina to be in the front. I turn my head to look at her and say, “Why am I on my back???” She says, “You Choose bazillion wax, no?” Bazillion? Did I accidentally sign up for a bazillion waxes? Wait….is that even an actual number? (light bulb moment) “OH you mean BRAZILIAN wax! Yes….I did sign up for that.

Which brings me back to my question…..why am I on my stomach??” She says, “Bazallion wax is ebedeesing” and motions to my ass. Terror begins violently coursing through my veins as I mentally kick myself for only skimming the Information packet which included an in-depth break down of each procedure. “It’s Ok Kim….you have gotten this far. How much worse could your ass feel than your bageeen, right??” So I resign to it, put my face on the pillow, and brace for the first strip of satin to be ripped from my flesh. 2 minutes later…..nothing. Asian Nazi gets up and leaves the room. Does she not like my butt?? Does she think my thighs are too fat to wax? Do I smell???????? Oh God I must really be grotesque for my waxer to get up and walk out on her…I just figured that since she was paid, she HAD to say. Guess not. Oh! Nazi Waxer walks back into the room holding a white box and singing sweetly to herself. Glad someone is in a chipper mood while I am lying here completely exposed with half my vagina waxed and my ass in the air. So She opens the mysterious box and out comes a smaller package.

I can’t quite read it from here but I could SWEAR it says Baby Wipes. She walks in closer and It becomes clear that she is holding a giant package of Johnson & Johnson baby wipes. She precedes to take a fistful of these and wipe out my ass. like an infant. I, clearly confused, ask her if this is normal procedure for a brazilian wax. She replies, “Nope”. Awesome. I can count on my hand how many times I have actually been at a loss for words. This was one of those times.

Update: Kim immediately aborted procedure and quickly threw on her clothes looking as though she just escaped a deadly pubic brush fire with only minor cuts and burns. She Left the salon. And never returned. D list

So that folks, is what it feels like to live your life on the D list. If you think you may also be suffering from DLISTitis, call your local emergency room immediately. You can never be too prepared though, so I always recommend making a DList emergency kit to store in your home at all times. Here are things you may want to include 1) Vodka

2) kleenex to dry your tears

3) Copious amounts of Chocolate

4) Tequila

5)A funny friend (having a funny midget friend would really be ideal so he/she will fit into the kit.)

6)A picture of Amy Winehouse to remind you that things could always be worse.

7) Cupcakes

8.) Star wars lunch box

9)Mean Girls DVD

10) Rum

11) Coke

12) chia pet

13) Chelsea Handler

14) taco bell bean burrito supreme

15) A plunger

16) a snuggie

17) the slapchop

18) a hooker

Well, I think that just about covers it. Start to gather these materials and put them in a safe, dry place. Godspeed.

Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc.

Reed Young | tpburl.com/hvm5fj

9

playlist

we are hunted

BEST NEW HIP HOP PLAYLIST Enjoy this smattering of new hip hop songs from some of the best hip hop artists, both new and old, and keep up with TPBMusic on Twitter or email Music Editor Amanda Nyren at anyren@theprintedblog.com.

“Lee Majors Come Again” - Beastie Boys

We Are Hunted aggregates social networks, P2P networks, music forums and blogs to compile a chart of the most popular songs in the blogosphere based on sentiment, expression and advocacy rather than a mere download count. It’s a smart and highly addictive way to discover new music. Here, this week’s top nine emerging songs.

(As of May 20, 2009)

Like getting a golden ticket with their Wonka Bars, random purchasers of the new Deluxe Edition of Check Your Head found a 7” with two new, unreleased tracks: “Lee Majors Come Again” and “B Boys in the Cut.” If you weren’t one of the lucky ones, catch the Beastie Boys on tour this summer, when they’re sure to debut more new material. http://www.tpburl.com/8f4302 “Popcorn” - The Cool Kids Chicago natives The Cool Kids have found a cult following among the hipster/hip hopper set. It’s guaranteed you’ll get hooked on Popcorn’s dirrty beat and tight lyrics, so when you find yourself craving more, head to The Cool Kids website and download the entire Gone Fishing mixtape for free. http://www.tpburl.com/4fgsd5 “Casa Bey” - Mos Def Mos Def is expected to release his new album The Ecstatic next month.

If single “Casa Bey” is any indication, the album will offer yet another airtight production from the masterful emcee. Look for appearances by Slick Rick, Black Thought and Jay Electronica. http://www.tpburl.com/nk5p73

LISZTOMANIA (YUKSEK REMIX)

TV ON THE RADIO

GOLDEN AGE

TAKE ON ME (THE TWELVES REMIX)

PHOENIX tpburl.com/mrz7yj

tpburl.com/qnwm70

A-HA tpburl.com/0d5sv8

THE REELING (SHUTTLES SUPER...

HEADS WILL ROLL (WEIRD TAPES...

LET’S GO! KARAOKE PARTY!

PASSION PIT tpburl.com/qmbc72

YEAH YEAH YEAHS tpburl.com/k5xs18

PEELANDER-Z tpburl.com/b507px

DOG DAYS (OTIMO REMIX)

BORN ON A DAY THE SUN DIDN’T RISE

BELATED PROMISE RING

FLORENCE & THE MACHINE tpburl.com/jsf4qg

BLACK MOTH SUPER... tpburl.com/h0r9k4

IRON & WINE tpburl.com/r6d80h

“Cooler Than Me” - Mike Posner Duke University junior Mike Posner is getting a lot of buzz in the blogosphere, and for good reason. His debut mixtape with backup band The Brain Trust, entitled A Matter of Time, is a fresh take on a genre gone soft with gimmicky dance moves (I’m looking at you, Soulja’ Boy).

Download it for free on iTunes. http://www.tpburl.com/xmydwr “New Wu” - Raekwon feat Method Man and Ghostface Killah The sequel to Raekwon’s 1995 hip hop classic Only Built 4 Cuban Linx has been fifteen-years in the making. Here’s hoping it actually comes out this summer as promised. Meanwhile, New Wu’s throwback sound and this leaked video will have to suffice. http://www.tpburl.com/9hwcxv “Lark on My Go-Kart” - Asher Roth Asher Roth’s rhymes, best described as covering “middle class minutiae,” may seem a far cry from the reigning gangsta rap aesthetic, but this guy is still talented and worth a listen. If it helps, just ignore the semicorny viral phenomenon “I Love College” and think of Roth as a young Atmosphere. http://www.tpburl.com/nbmswc “Jerk It” - Thunderheist Formed by Nigerian-born, Montreal-raised emcee Isis and Canadian DJ Grahm Zilla, Thunderheist’s brand of raunchy, party rap sounds like Missy Elliot meets M.I.A. Look for the duo to start touring the U.S. midJune and get ready for a sweaty dance fest. http://www.tpburl.com/spt70z

PHOTOS

Chirp Off

For each issue we post a question on our Twitter feed and these are your answers.

Post your opinion to our questions and you might be featured in our next issue at twitter.com/theprintedblog.

@theprintedblog asked: If you were on American Idol, what artist would you sing with & which song would you sing? @ORlvr @stevethedeve

I would sing walking on broken glass with annie lennox!

I’d sing either bohemian rapsody, or somebody to love by Queen. Love them! Lovegun by Kiss would be fun!

@SeenReading Think I’d thump the bassline on “In the Meantime” by Spacehog. Or, something by Texas. @malaray artist would be regina spektor, paul mccartney or ringo star. song would be “blackbird” or “the call.” @cariew Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing At All. Love that song. @Meloshe I’d sing something using auto-tune, they seemed to enjoy it when kanye did it…sigh… @missargument

Patsy Cline, “Walkin’ After Midnight”. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s my karaoke song.

@verybadcat13

i have no business anywhere near Idol, but if forced, I’d love to do Madonna. Fever, Like A Virgin,or Open Your Heart.

David Clancy | tpburl.com/mb89d2

@cjengo36 Damien Rice ~ Cannonball ~ I know I am strange but it’s a great song @ewalker9 Well assuming I could sing, I would sing with Dave Matthews, any song he wants, so I can seduce him. photos

Rob Morse | tpburl.com/1w63v2

10

The Printed Blog is Printed by John S. Swift Co., Inc. www.johnswiftprint.com (847) 465-3000

Jonathan Meter | tpburl.com/84kxwt

sports

Humor

seven questions we’d like to ask roger clemens

the commercial jingle penned by satan himself

By Elliott Smith | 5/14/09 | The Bachelor Guy tpburl.com/1m3nzk

The Roger Clemens “Living in Denial 2009 Tour” had its first stop this week on the Mike & Mike radio show, where the disgraced pitcher stubbornly maintained his stance that he did not use performance-enhancing drugs, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.

Clemens’ next stop? What should be friendlier confines: Houstonist.com, which somehow managed to land the opportunity to have an e-mail chat with the native Texan, who wrote, “I welcome the chance to answer the questions of your readers.”

Surely, Clemens is prepared for the hard-hitting softball questions picked for him by the editors of the site, so I decided to come up with a few of my own...

1 - How does it feel to have your head expand by three sizes? Does it hurt? Did you have to buy all new hats? Cut bigger holes in your shirts to get your noggin through?

2 - What would you like to be most remembered for? Lying or cheating?

3 - Since you threw your wife under the bus, identifying her as a steroid user, would you say the Little Rocket has been grounded in the bedroom?

4 - A 15-year-old Mindy McCready? Really?

5 - Do you think your groundbreaking role as Skidmark in “Kingpin” will help you in prison?

6 - Does Jose Canseco have a better shot into getting into the Hall of Fame than you?

7 - Who’s better at poker? You, Barry Bonds or Alex Rodriguez?

By Bokeen | 5/13/09 | My Blog is Funnier Than Yours tpburl.com/7pr856

I never thought that three simple words could haunt my every waking moment, driving me to murderous rage.

“Five.”

I cringe as I hear the solitary syllable. I chomp on the filter of my cigarette, bracing for the next words.

“Five dollar.”

My heart rate surges and I am overwhelmed with anger.

“Five dollar footlooooong.”

I reach my breaking point, grinding out my cigarette in frustration. I jump off the couch, searching for a knife to jam in my ear, rendering me deaf.

::

Never before in the history of the universe has an advertising jingle been so insipid and so incredibly infectious.

When the “Five Dollar Footlong” campaign debuted last year, I welcomed the change of pace in Subway’s advertising. For eight years, Subway had rammed the inspirational story of Jared Fogle down America’s collective throat. The very sight of the awkward pitchman had begun to infuriate me, and I felt that positioning Subway’s preservative-laden sandwiches as a miracle diet was inherently deceptive.

The first commercial in the campaign was quite kitschy. A weather woman, police officer and Godzilla made the “Five Dollar Footlong” hand gesture as zombie-like, monotone singers performed the new jingle as a backdrop.

Initially, I found the tune to be mildly annoying. I had no idea that Subway would attempt to turn the jingle into a cultural phenomenon.

The commercials recently evolved to show everyday people signing the song. “Five Dollar Footlong” evolved from a mindless jingle into a reverent hymn to a fast food juggernaut. Offkey renditions of the song became commonplace during prime time.

Subway had recently embraced McDonald’s advertising ethos by attempting to show a cultural cross-section of imbeciles belting out the tune.

Asian soul singer? Check.

Young black man? Check.

White guy with an upright bass guitar? Check.

The commercials string together brief clips of each of these individuals singing the song in their own unique, off-key style. The result is a chaotic mashup that defies all logic by making the idiotic jingle even more irritating.

::

A successful commercial jingle is memorable and upbeat, eliciting a positive emotional response from the audience. The “Five Dollar Footlong” jingle succeeds in the former – the song is downright infectious, and I am currently taking a regimen of antibiotics to eliminate the scourge from my immune system. However, the tune is far from upbeat. It evokes the image of a large group of devoted cult members in a trance-like state, slowly marching to the site of their mass suicide ritual while droning an unusual prayer about lunchmeat.

While jingles are meant to be short and easy to remember, the simplicity of “Five Dollar Footlong” is utterly remarkable. Three words – merely five syllables – are the basis from which the three-line jingle is constructed. The lyrics make a nursery rhyme read like a Stephen Hawking book.

I am certain that the ad agency that created the jingle presented several different options to the Subway executives. Were the alternatives equally childish? Did the agency also pitch “Cheap Sandwich Good” and “Meat Lettuce Bread” as options?

I believe the tune has an adverse effect on all of us. “Five Dollar Footlong” does not arouse creativity, nor does it inspire the youth of America to learn how to read, let alone write coherent sentences. The presence of the jingle on television lowers our collective intelligence.

Clearly, Subway is hell-bent on devolving the human race until we all live in the wild like primates, swinging from trees and flinging our feces at one another. I do not know what Subway’s endgame is, but this nefarious plan must be stopped and justice must be served. The author of the song must be tried at The Hague for crimes against humanity.

Or perhaps, we need not act. Perhaps forces outside of our control will bring a halt to Subway’s maniacal campaign. If the economy were to worsen, inflation could cause prices to rise, prompting Subway to end the five-dollar offer.

Let us all pray that the economy gets much worse, bringing a swift end to the cruel “Five Dollar Footlong” campaign.

PHOTOS

PHOTOS

Erik Swain | tpburl.com/d9z6gw tech

facebook embraces openid; login with gmail

By Adam Ostrow | 5/18/09 | Mashable tpburl.com/kxptfm

Most major Web companies – Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, etc. – have announced support for OpenID, meaning that you can use your credentials from any one of those services to register and login to third-party websites that support OpenID. But Facebook is taking a big leap beyond all of these companies today by enabling you to login to its own site using either Gmail or OpenID.

That means that if you’re not one of the 200 million people on Facebook yet (ok, you probably are, but for everyone else …), you can now signup using the same username and password you use to login to Gmail, or, in a bit more cumbersome fashion using an OpenID URL from another identity provider.

A bit more on how it works, from Facebook: “Existing and new users can now link their Facebook accounts with their Gmail accounts or with accounts from those OpenID providers that support automatic login. Once a user links his or her account with a Gmail address or an OpenID URL, logs in to that account, then goes to Facebook, that user will already be logged in to Facebook.”

The implementation doesn’t seem to be live yet for everyone, but the focus on Gmail is especially interesting, given Google, through Friend Connect, is a bit of a competitor to Facebook, and Facebook, MySpace, and Google are all offering identity platforms of their own that would seemingly compete with OpenID.

But, the integration seems to serve Facebook’s goal of establishing your social graph on the site, by helping you friend your existing Gmail contacts that use the social network. Facebook adds that Gmail users “get up and running after registering even faster than before, find their friends easily, and quickly engage on the site.”

This is big news in the world of OpenID, and it will be interesting to see if it paves the way for other major Web companies that have become identity providers to also do what Facebook is doing – becoming what’s known as a “relying party” and, for example, letting you login to Gmail with your Yahoo credentials.

Yvonne Ng | tpburl.com/shvgjy Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc.

11

sports

it’s your spot in the universe - Chicago

top ten chicago rivalries

By Ricky O’Donnell | 5/18/09 | Top Ten Chicago Sports tpburl.com/fkdp2x

These Western Conference Finals got us thinking: Chicago sports is loaded with fierce rivalries, but which is the most heated? This list caused some disagreement amongst the staff (Ha! Staff.) so feel free to voice your opinion below.

10. Illinois-Northwestern

Chicago sports pretty much revolves around the pro teams, but Illinois-Northwestern is as good as it gets for the colleges. In football, the two teams have played the last 63 years for the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, which was retired this year. From now on, the Land of Lincoln Trophy will be what’s at stake. In basketball, of course, this is usually a mismatch. There have still been some exciting moments though, including Illinois’ improbable road comeback last season that ended any chance the Wildcats had at making the tournament.

9. Bears-Vikings

In recent years, Bears-Vikings has produced perhaps the most competitive games in the NFC North. If Brett Favre winds up in Minnesota next season, this rivalry has the potential to jump a few spots up this list.

8. Illinois-Indiana

Enjoy Indiana while they’re down, Illini fans. It won’t take Tom Crean many more years to turn that program around. As far as the rivalry goes, I’m told Lou Henson and Bobby Knight used to get into it back in the day, but the Eric Gordon saga took it to another level. With solid recruiting classes coming in for both teams in the next few years, expect this rivalry to only get more intense.

7. Bulls-Knicks

In the 90’s, there wasn’t a more perfect foil for MJ and Co. than the Knicks. These teams produced a bunch of great games, but the two moments that stick out in my mind are Hugh Hollins’ phantom foul call on Scottie Pippen in 1994 playoffs, and, of course, the Charles Smith Game.

6. Bulls-Pistons

These teams produced some of the roughest and toughest games around in the late 80’s.

We forget it now, but even MJ had to pay his dues, losing three times to Detroit in the playoffs before finally conquering the Pistons in 1991, en route to his first NBA title.

5. Sox-Twins

This has been a flat out war for the last decade. Only twice in the 00’s has a team other than one of these two taken the AL Central. Tensions may have reached an all-time high last season when the two teams slugged it out in September, culminating with a Sox victory in Game 163.

4. Cubs-Sox

This is where the debate gets interesting. More than one TTCS’er placed Cubs-Sox in the top spot on their ballot. If rivalries are about the fans, it’s tough to top the venom that Cubs-Sox brings out. But I’m putting this at No. 4 because nothing has ever really been on the line. Six games in the middle of the summer just don’t really mean that much. Now if they ever played for a World Series.....

3. Cubs-Cardinals

I recently asked a kid at school what baseball team he roots for and this was his response: “Well I had to choose a team, so I went with the Cubs”.

I explained to him why that was a bad choice, why the Sox are waaaaaaay cooler, and then he looked at me like I had three heads.

“Well, it was Cubs or Cardinals.”

Oh.

We’re so head over heels here for the Cubs and Sox that sometimes we forget just how big Cubs-Cardinals is elsewhere. Of all the rivalries on this list, Cubs-Cards might have the widest national appeal.

2. Blackhawks-Red Wings

Upon declaring I was putting this in the two hole, the most common response was, “where would you have put it this time last year?”. It’s a valid argument, but I honestly still think that ‘Hawks-Wings would have come in second. This rivalry has everything you look for: history (two Original Six teams), passionate fan-bases that don’t like each other (Detroit suuuucks!), and - hey now - two pretty damn talented teams (currently).

1. Bears-Packers

Obvs. You know this thing is real when ‘Beat the Packers’ was the first of Lovie Smith’s three goals after becoming Bears head coach.

Agree? Disagree? Let’s hear it.

Hot To Eat A Burrito Bigger Than Your Arm By: ElGuapo tpburl.com/5bg1m4 Have you ever had an urge to do battle with ginormous burrito? Obviously, you have. Well, stop thinking about it and go do it. Here's how...

Steps 1-5

Steps 6-12

Step 1: 3-6 Mo. of Hard Training You can’t just wake up one day and decide to eat a burrito bigger than your arm. It takes months of hard training to get in shape for said battle with burrito. Getting drunk and eating other large foods is best way to prepare.

Step 2: Pre-Fight Preparation foundphotoslj Hand to hand combat with giant burritos poses serious threat of injury, death or intestinal failure. And no amount of beef punching can fully prepare your mind for the actual fight.

Calm your nerves on night of battle by getting black-out drunk.

Step 3: Select a Burrito Place To find a worthy burrito adversary, you have to know where to look.

All respectable late night burrito places should have the following: (1) Owned by actual Mexican people — Not Taco Bell or Chipotle (2) Some type of crude, culturally insensitive sign. This typically involves a caricature of a Mexican dude with a sombrero and mustache. Often times, he’ll also be wearing a poncho, shooting off a pistol, or riding a donkey.

(3) Authentic decor = gold framed paintings of Virgin Mary on the walls.

(4) One of those things on the counter where you can get mini york peppermint patties if you stick a quarter in a slot to help find a missing child.

(5) Open at 4 AM. Step 4: Trash Talk to the Burrito Step 5: After Purchasing Burrito, Make Sure Burrito is Regulation Size Burrito must extend from your elbow to your wrist. If for some reason you don’t have arms, you can use a dollar bill to approximate regulation burrito size.

Step 6: Roll Up Your Sleeves to Begin Battle Step 7: Begin Attack Mode Give your burrito a villainous name to make battle even more epic. I named my burrito villain, El Feo. Step 8: Pacing The key to eating a burrito bigger than your arm is to pace yourself. Just kidding. Pacing is for wimps. Scarf it as fast as you possibly can.

Step 9: Don't be El Puke-o Step 10: Savor the Last Bite Step 11: Declare Victory!!

Step 12: Do a Victory Dance

Harrigan’s 2816 N Halsted St Chicago, IL 60657 Good drinks. Good crowd. Where El Guapo did his pre-fight preparation on night of the battle.

Angela’s Burrito Style 2556 N Clark St Chicago, IL 60614

Read more from this guide and others at guidespot.com PHOTOS

LOOP Hotel Monaco Categories: Hotels Location: 225 N Wabash Ave, Chicago, IL 60601 tpburl.com/bnzxjq Nicole B. says, “I loved this hotel. Free wine and a hand writing reader in the lobby. Zebra and leopard print robes in the closet. $10 bath balls sitting on the toilet just asking to be used.

The rooms are small but stylish. We had a great view of the river. I spent the majority of my time on the window sill - there was a nice little pad up there. Heck, I even slept there yes I did.

The restaurant attached had a delicious breakfast.”

See all Chicago reviews at www.yelp.com/chicago

CHICAGO EVENTS JUN

Amadou & Mariam Park West tpburl.com/kg7y2h

JUN

JUN

The New Standards/Sarah Siskind Hideout tpburl.com/nkwf2x

JUN

JUN

Jenny Lewis Park West tpburl.com/9xcd7r

JUN

New Mastersounds Double Door tpburl.com/bm0j3x

JUN

2 4 5

JUN

6

6 7 8 8

WordCamp Chicago UBS Tower tpburl.com/mvxhkb

Patty Griffin Ravinia Festival tpburl.com/gyvk94 Crystal Method House of Blues tpburl.com/18sf6h Rock the 4th f/Ringside Rockit Bar and Grill tpburl.com/c4wh1z Ryan Carville | tpburl.com/wnqv1x

See what is happening in Chicago at eventful.com/Chicago

12

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